A compliment I don’t deserve
My amazingly cute and cuddly girlfriend often tells me that I'm the best hermit ever (not meaning that I'm the best in the world at being a hermit, but rather, as hermits go... not that I think she knows all that many, I am the better human being). She's not terribly fond of the jokes I frequently make at my own expense, and insists that I stop for the sake of my mental well-being and my substandard self-image. She's not the first who has disapproved of my self-deprecating sense of humor, and I think maybe it's time I gave in and tried my best to stop.
In the conversation that went along with the, she paid me one of, if not the greatest compliments I've ever been paid (and I've been told "You restored my faith in men"). She told me that I was the best human being she knew. That I raise the bar, as far as she's concerned, for living by the golden rule. She said she only knows one other person who comes close, and that's because he pulled some people out of a burning car. And that didn't win him the title because she said (and rightly, I would hope) that the only reason I haven't done so as well, is that I've never been around anyone trapped in a burning car.
I've given it some thought, and I realize that I don't deserve the title of 1 adherent to the golden rule. In all honesty, I don't treat people how I want them to treat me. In a few cases, I treat them the way that I feel is right; showing them more compassion and forgiveness than most people believe they deserve (and I know because I've been told so in as many words). In general though, I treat people the way that I want to treat them. If I get knocked down, I don't expect, or look for a hand to be held out to help me up. I may even be surprised to see one, if it's there. But if someone else falls near me, I offer mine, without even thinking about it. If I know something about a person; whether it's a favorite food, book, film, color, animal, or whatever; and it leads me to an idea of something that I could do for them to make them happy, I want to do it. If I see something that I know they'd love, if I could possibly afford it, but then wouldn't be able to feed myself for the rest of the month, I agonize over the decision not to buy it. It almost physically hurts. I have, on more than one occasion, borrowed money to help someone else out, when I hadn't been sure I would make it through the month myself.
I don't do it for karma. I don't do that because I think I'm supposed to. I don't do it because I want people to treat me that way. In fact, I often feel weird or guilty about accepting presents, especially if I know that the giver doesn't have a lot of money to throw around. In general, I treat people the way that I do, because that's how I want to treat them. I don't deserve the compliment of living by a guideline better than anyone else. But I do think that a lot of people don't treat other's the way that they want to treat the others; but rather worse than they would like to treat them, because that's how they think they're supposed to. I think they're are a lot of people out there that want to give money to the homeless guy they see down at the end of the block, but society has ingrained the idea in their brains that if you give them money, you're a sucker because they're just going to use it to buy alcohol or drugs. I've heard a lot of statements disapproving of humanitarian gestures; belittling those who do them in an effort to shame them into stopping. Some people will call you a sap, sucker, bleeding heart, fool, idiot, and who knows what all else, for helping someone else. As if it were some terrible thing that you did, that you should feel bad about.
I don't know where it started, but it's been going on so long, that acts of simple human kindness are often looked down on to the point that people automatically view them with suspicion and assume some sinister hidden motive behind them. Watch TV or movies, and almost any time someone does something nice for another person, they almost automatically ask "What do you want?" and the person behind the kind act reluctantly (or sometimes not so reluctantly) admits that it was only a sort of bribe to garner a favor. Or if someone does something that's just generally good without a specific recipient, people assume they're just showing off, or full of themselves. Ed Begley Jr. was one of the earliest adopters of an electric car in Southern California, and was known to ride a bike or otherwise avoid contributing to the traffic situation where possible. And a lot of people thought of him as a self-important, smug jerk for it. There are people who look down on those who buy hybrid cars or go a little out of their way to recycle, saying they think they're better than everyone else. The South Park episode with the "Smug cloud" is a good example. It's hard to know what point they had in mind when they made that. And of course, some people who do things like that do think they're better than other people because of it. But in general, I think most of the people who do things like recycle, conserve water, by a hybrid car, or try to use public transit when they can don't do it to make them feel better than other people, but do things like that because: they see it as their responsibility; would feel bad/guilty if they didn't; or because it just plain doesn't occur to them not to do it when they know that they should.
There are people who complain that Global Warming is a crock, or that there's nothing we can do about it, or that it was going to happen regardless of whether we pump millions of tons of toxic gas into the air, and look down on anyone who tries to lesson the negative impact they have on the environment in any way. But honestly, even if it were a crock, or if there were nothing we could do to stop it because the damage is already to severe to head off, we still know better. Maybe the Polar Ice Caps aren't going to melt because you drive to the same place as friends who live very close to you, in separate cars, rather than car pooling; but you still know you should do it anyway. Suppose you don't buy the information that recycling your soda cans for a year saves enough energy compared to mining for the material to make new ones from scratch to power 5 cities the size of Los Angeles (or whatever the real numbers are); you know there's really no reason not to do it. You know that it's a good thing, and if you don't have mandatory recycling with your trash pick up, in most parts of the country all you'd have to do is throw your cans and bottles into a separate box as you use them, then set the box on top when you take your trash out and some homeless person will come take them away so they have one less meal that they have to dig out of the trash.
There are a lot of things like that which aren't a big deal, everyone knows they should do, and a lot more people would do if left to their own devices. But think about it; including in-laws, siblings, cousins, and friends' family members, I'll bet just about everyone knows someone who'd look down their nose at them for some kind of humanitarian effort or another. I don't eat meat, and I don't think it makes me any better a person than anyone else. I don't try to for Vegetarianism on anyone, and I don't go around insulting people for eating meat, or yelling "Meat is Murder" outside of Black Angus. But I've known people who look down on me for not eating meat, and act superior because of it. Even people who don't have a huge attitude about make jokes. Most probably wouldn't if I they thought I'd be really offended by it, or if I obviously didn't have a sense of humor about it. But it doesn't occur to me to make jokes about my friends eating meat, although I'm sure I could come up with some that at least a few of my friends would think were funny, that we could laugh about over dinner. ...Like, Mooing every time someone took a bite of their hamburger.
Most people would probably react to my last statement by saying that it's because eating meat is normal, and that's why I don't think to say anything about it, but that what I'm doing is weird, so they make jokes. And that's my point, exactly. Certain people have been so vocally opposed to the idea that anyone would do something the least bit benevolent or kind without there being something in it for them, that anyone who does anything that even faintly hints at altruism is branded as weird, flaky, or in someway misguided. And I don't think that idea is something that most people naturally have on their own. Some people really appreciate kindness. Usually, the ones who are most likely to show it themselves. But there are some people who, for whatever reason, have become so bitter, disillusioned and jaded, that they can't allow someone to show the least bit of unselfishness without dumping on it, and this has programmed most of the world into believing that's the natural order of things. Everyone looks out for number one, and anyone who is the least bit generous, or expresses an interest in the well-being of anything beyond their own property is some sort of kook, or is up to something.
My nephew is wild and energetic to the point that he sometimes hurts people or pets while trying to be nice to them (though not quite in the "I'll pet him, and feed him, and call him George" way). But for all of his rambunctiousness, he's often a very sweet little boy. At his last conference at school, his teacher said that he's always helping someone; and around the house, he's constantly offering to share things with me that people naturally assume children would be selfish about. He offers me turns with some of his toys, he tells me where his candy is and says that I can have some anytime I want. He offers me doughnuts and cake that his mom buys, without clearing it with her first. ;) In that regard, he's a little angel. It's sad to think that by the time he gets into high school a lot of that will have been drummed out of him.
I think I probably retained whatever I have of mine because I've spent so much time alone, growing up. Think about some of the stereo types out there. In general, nerds or geeks are thought of as the sweet guys that pretty girls tell they want someone just like them, but that they don't go for because they aren't attractive enough. With few exceptions, people don't usually think of geeks and nerds as being mean people. And they're usually social outcasts. They haven't spent as much time with the rest of the pack, and so they haven't had it beaten in to them that they're supposed to be selfish. Lesbians get a bad rap in this area, but the stereo type gay man is very happy and friendly. ...There's also a stereo type that they can be bitchy, but usually only to people who deserve it for some reason, right? They're another group that are often ostracized. Or keep to themselves growing up because they learn pretty quickly that they'll likely be mistreated for what they are. As far as the stereo type of a lesbian being angry; boys are "supposed" to be a lot more aggressive about sexual issues, so it would make sense that lesbians are bothered by straight guys trying to get them to go out with them when they just want to be left alone, than gay guys are by straight girls. Most people would get a bit cranky after a few years of that.
But anyway, I think people are being stripped of their natural tendencies to do what's right (however much they may have been born with), and it makes me really sad in some ways when someone tells me that I'm such an outstanding person, when I don't really see myself as anything special in that regard. I consider my friends to be good people, so I'm sure most of the people who ever read this won't have to worry about it very often; but think about it as you go on with your life. If you catch yourself about to belittle someone for doing something slightly unselfish, let it go. Or maybe tell them "good for you." Or if you do something good for someone else, or just in general, and someone puts you down for it, don't let it get to you. And maybe ask them why it bothers them so much that you took two extra steps to put your can in the recycle bin, instead of just the trash can. Maybe if more people think about it a little more often, they'll start treating others they way that they'd like to treat them, too.
In the conversation that went along with the, she paid me one of, if not the greatest compliments I've ever been paid (and I've been told "You restored my faith in men"). She told me that I was the best human being she knew. That I raise the bar, as far as she's concerned, for living by the golden rule. She said she only knows one other person who comes close, and that's because he pulled some people out of a burning car. And that didn't win him the title because she said (and rightly, I would hope) that the only reason I haven't done so as well, is that I've never been around anyone trapped in a burning car.
I've given it some thought, and I realize that I don't deserve the title of 1 adherent to the golden rule. In all honesty, I don't treat people how I want them to treat me. In a few cases, I treat them the way that I feel is right; showing them more compassion and forgiveness than most people believe they deserve (and I know because I've been told so in as many words). In general though, I treat people the way that I want to treat them. If I get knocked down, I don't expect, or look for a hand to be held out to help me up. I may even be surprised to see one, if it's there. But if someone else falls near me, I offer mine, without even thinking about it. If I know something about a person; whether it's a favorite food, book, film, color, animal, or whatever; and it leads me to an idea of something that I could do for them to make them happy, I want to do it. If I see something that I know they'd love, if I could possibly afford it, but then wouldn't be able to feed myself for the rest of the month, I agonize over the decision not to buy it. It almost physically hurts. I have, on more than one occasion, borrowed money to help someone else out, when I hadn't been sure I would make it through the month myself.
I don't do it for karma. I don't do that because I think I'm supposed to. I don't do it because I want people to treat me that way. In fact, I often feel weird or guilty about accepting presents, especially if I know that the giver doesn't have a lot of money to throw around. In general, I treat people the way that I do, because that's how I want to treat them. I don't deserve the compliment of living by a guideline better than anyone else. But I do think that a lot of people don't treat other's the way that they want to treat the others; but rather worse than they would like to treat them, because that's how they think they're supposed to. I think they're are a lot of people out there that want to give money to the homeless guy they see down at the end of the block, but society has ingrained the idea in their brains that if you give them money, you're a sucker because they're just going to use it to buy alcohol or drugs. I've heard a lot of statements disapproving of humanitarian gestures; belittling those who do them in an effort to shame them into stopping. Some people will call you a sap, sucker, bleeding heart, fool, idiot, and who knows what all else, for helping someone else. As if it were some terrible thing that you did, that you should feel bad about.
I don't know where it started, but it's been going on so long, that acts of simple human kindness are often looked down on to the point that people automatically view them with suspicion and assume some sinister hidden motive behind them. Watch TV or movies, and almost any time someone does something nice for another person, they almost automatically ask "What do you want?" and the person behind the kind act reluctantly (or sometimes not so reluctantly) admits that it was only a sort of bribe to garner a favor. Or if someone does something that's just generally good without a specific recipient, people assume they're just showing off, or full of themselves. Ed Begley Jr. was one of the earliest adopters of an electric car in Southern California, and was known to ride a bike or otherwise avoid contributing to the traffic situation where possible. And a lot of people thought of him as a self-important, smug jerk for it. There are people who look down on those who buy hybrid cars or go a little out of their way to recycle, saying they think they're better than everyone else. The South Park episode with the "Smug cloud" is a good example. It's hard to know what point they had in mind when they made that. And of course, some people who do things like that do think they're better than other people because of it. But in general, I think most of the people who do things like recycle, conserve water, by a hybrid car, or try to use public transit when they can don't do it to make them feel better than other people, but do things like that because: they see it as their responsibility; would feel bad/guilty if they didn't; or because it just plain doesn't occur to them not to do it when they know that they should.
There are people who complain that Global Warming is a crock, or that there's nothing we can do about it, or that it was going to happen regardless of whether we pump millions of tons of toxic gas into the air, and look down on anyone who tries to lesson the negative impact they have on the environment in any way. But honestly, even if it were a crock, or if there were nothing we could do to stop it because the damage is already to severe to head off, we still know better. Maybe the Polar Ice Caps aren't going to melt because you drive to the same place as friends who live very close to you, in separate cars, rather than car pooling; but you still know you should do it anyway. Suppose you don't buy the information that recycling your soda cans for a year saves enough energy compared to mining for the material to make new ones from scratch to power 5 cities the size of Los Angeles (or whatever the real numbers are); you know there's really no reason not to do it. You know that it's a good thing, and if you don't have mandatory recycling with your trash pick up, in most parts of the country all you'd have to do is throw your cans and bottles into a separate box as you use them, then set the box on top when you take your trash out and some homeless person will come take them away so they have one less meal that they have to dig out of the trash.
There are a lot of things like that which aren't a big deal, everyone knows they should do, and a lot more people would do if left to their own devices. But think about it; including in-laws, siblings, cousins, and friends' family members, I'll bet just about everyone knows someone who'd look down their nose at them for some kind of humanitarian effort or another. I don't eat meat, and I don't think it makes me any better a person than anyone else. I don't try to for Vegetarianism on anyone, and I don't go around insulting people for eating meat, or yelling "Meat is Murder" outside of Black Angus. But I've known people who look down on me for not eating meat, and act superior because of it. Even people who don't have a huge attitude about make jokes. Most probably wouldn't if I they thought I'd be really offended by it, or if I obviously didn't have a sense of humor about it. But it doesn't occur to me to make jokes about my friends eating meat, although I'm sure I could come up with some that at least a few of my friends would think were funny, that we could laugh about over dinner. ...Like, Mooing every time someone took a bite of their hamburger.
Most people would probably react to my last statement by saying that it's because eating meat is normal, and that's why I don't think to say anything about it, but that what I'm doing is weird, so they make jokes. And that's my point, exactly. Certain people have been so vocally opposed to the idea that anyone would do something the least bit benevolent or kind without there being something in it for them, that anyone who does anything that even faintly hints at altruism is branded as weird, flaky, or in someway misguided. And I don't think that idea is something that most people naturally have on their own. Some people really appreciate kindness. Usually, the ones who are most likely to show it themselves. But there are some people who, for whatever reason, have become so bitter, disillusioned and jaded, that they can't allow someone to show the least bit of unselfishness without dumping on it, and this has programmed most of the world into believing that's the natural order of things. Everyone looks out for number one, and anyone who is the least bit generous, or expresses an interest in the well-being of anything beyond their own property is some sort of kook, or is up to something.
My nephew is wild and energetic to the point that he sometimes hurts people or pets while trying to be nice to them (though not quite in the "I'll pet him, and feed him, and call him George" way). But for all of his rambunctiousness, he's often a very sweet little boy. At his last conference at school, his teacher said that he's always helping someone; and around the house, he's constantly offering to share things with me that people naturally assume children would be selfish about. He offers me turns with some of his toys, he tells me where his candy is and says that I can have some anytime I want. He offers me doughnuts and cake that his mom buys, without clearing it with her first. ;) In that regard, he's a little angel. It's sad to think that by the time he gets into high school a lot of that will have been drummed out of him.
I think I probably retained whatever I have of mine because I've spent so much time alone, growing up. Think about some of the stereo types out there. In general, nerds or geeks are thought of as the sweet guys that pretty girls tell they want someone just like them, but that they don't go for because they aren't attractive enough. With few exceptions, people don't usually think of geeks and nerds as being mean people. And they're usually social outcasts. They haven't spent as much time with the rest of the pack, and so they haven't had it beaten in to them that they're supposed to be selfish. Lesbians get a bad rap in this area, but the stereo type gay man is very happy and friendly. ...There's also a stereo type that they can be bitchy, but usually only to people who deserve it for some reason, right? They're another group that are often ostracized. Or keep to themselves growing up because they learn pretty quickly that they'll likely be mistreated for what they are. As far as the stereo type of a lesbian being angry; boys are "supposed" to be a lot more aggressive about sexual issues, so it would make sense that lesbians are bothered by straight guys trying to get them to go out with them when they just want to be left alone, than gay guys are by straight girls. Most people would get a bit cranky after a few years of that.
But anyway, I think people are being stripped of their natural tendencies to do what's right (however much they may have been born with), and it makes me really sad in some ways when someone tells me that I'm such an outstanding person, when I don't really see myself as anything special in that regard. I consider my friends to be good people, so I'm sure most of the people who ever read this won't have to worry about it very often; but think about it as you go on with your life. If you catch yourself about to belittle someone for doing something slightly unselfish, let it go. Or maybe tell them "good for you." Or if you do something good for someone else, or just in general, and someone puts you down for it, don't let it get to you. And maybe ask them why it bothers them so much that you took two extra steps to put your can in the recycle bin, instead of just the trash can. Maybe if more people think about it a little more often, they'll start treating others they way that they'd like to treat them, too.