living the dream
right now i should be working on my chemistry homework. i only have two more questions left until i'm done--and that will be a memorable feat--but for now, i'm content staring off into space... and updating lj.
it's been awhile.
i can't necessarily say that's a good thing. actually, what it boiled down to was the fact that when i really wanted to post, i kept telling myself that i wouldn't. that i wouldn't post only negative things because my livejournal is a narrative of all bad things in my life and that i don't want it to be that way.
yet, i couldn't resist any longer.
i just got onto seth's facebook page and wanted to post "i miss you" on his wall. why? because i wish i could tell him that. however, if i posted it, it would be perceived as an overly dramatic message actually sent for the benefit of his facebook friends. and i don't want to exploit his memory for any kind of drama.
yet, i can't drink without talking about him. ever. no matter who is around or what the conversation is. he's always on my mind.
a lot of it lately has to do with being so lonely. but it's not always like that.
lately, i've been miserable. life here sucks. well, no, i'll take that back. it doesn't suck. but it certainly pales in comparison to the kind of life that preceded being here. i don't really have friends. if i wanted to have a party, there would only be one person i'd invite. if my friends had parties, i'd be lucky to get the invite. the pope has done the best of everyone of remembering that i exist; yet, i still can't help but despise being here. my life is going on without me elsewhere--nashville, jerusalem, where ever. i don't even have any opportunity to create a life here. i work with about 7 women, most of whom are married with kids. they are certainly not "let's go to a bar" material. i live with my parents. i detest my classmates because we have no common interests, no common background, and no common intellectual plane. in other words, i can't have a conversation with them about anything that matters to me.
in fact, i can't have a conversation with anyone about anything that matters to me. all those people are in nashville... jerusalem... not here. they're living their lives happily with me being absent, barely noticing, if even at all. yet, i'm dragging through a mundane day-to-day existence that utilizes no aspect of my character and personality that make me the person i like to be.
my mom comes home from work and talks for 4-5 hours about her day. she repeats herself she talks so long. i listen attentively, ask follow-up questions, and encourage her to continue. get it out. once she's done, i moan that this sucks. she says, "oh, yeah, i know it does. the same kinds of things that are frustrating you make my job difficult..." and then she tirades on about community college kids some more.
no, mom. these are not the same things.
listen.
but, she doesn't. she never does. so, it really shouldn't surprise me. what i fear about it most, though, is that when i get away from her, i have all these things i want to say, so i do. i burden all my friends and acquaintances with everything on my mind and don't listen to them. i become her. i know why i do it. i understand completely. yet, i can't force myself to stop. i need to listen and i can't either.
i want my friends. i want people to want to be around me. i want people to be around. i want conversation and laughter and nerdy jokes about religion. i want to cry.
and many tears i have.
it's been awhile.
i can't necessarily say that's a good thing. actually, what it boiled down to was the fact that when i really wanted to post, i kept telling myself that i wouldn't. that i wouldn't post only negative things because my livejournal is a narrative of all bad things in my life and that i don't want it to be that way.
yet, i couldn't resist any longer.
i just got onto seth's facebook page and wanted to post "i miss you" on his wall. why? because i wish i could tell him that. however, if i posted it, it would be perceived as an overly dramatic message actually sent for the benefit of his facebook friends. and i don't want to exploit his memory for any kind of drama.
yet, i can't drink without talking about him. ever. no matter who is around or what the conversation is. he's always on my mind.
a lot of it lately has to do with being so lonely. but it's not always like that.
lately, i've been miserable. life here sucks. well, no, i'll take that back. it doesn't suck. but it certainly pales in comparison to the kind of life that preceded being here. i don't really have friends. if i wanted to have a party, there would only be one person i'd invite. if my friends had parties, i'd be lucky to get the invite. the pope has done the best of everyone of remembering that i exist; yet, i still can't help but despise being here. my life is going on without me elsewhere--nashville, jerusalem, where ever. i don't even have any opportunity to create a life here. i work with about 7 women, most of whom are married with kids. they are certainly not "let's go to a bar" material. i live with my parents. i detest my classmates because we have no common interests, no common background, and no common intellectual plane. in other words, i can't have a conversation with them about anything that matters to me.
in fact, i can't have a conversation with anyone about anything that matters to me. all those people are in nashville... jerusalem... not here. they're living their lives happily with me being absent, barely noticing, if even at all. yet, i'm dragging through a mundane day-to-day existence that utilizes no aspect of my character and personality that make me the person i like to be.
my mom comes home from work and talks for 4-5 hours about her day. she repeats herself she talks so long. i listen attentively, ask follow-up questions, and encourage her to continue. get it out. once she's done, i moan that this sucks. she says, "oh, yeah, i know it does. the same kinds of things that are frustrating you make my job difficult..." and then she tirades on about community college kids some more.
no, mom. these are not the same things.
listen.
but, she doesn't. she never does. so, it really shouldn't surprise me. what i fear about it most, though, is that when i get away from her, i have all these things i want to say, so i do. i burden all my friends and acquaintances with everything on my mind and don't listen to them. i become her. i know why i do it. i understand completely. yet, i can't force myself to stop. i need to listen and i can't either.
i want my friends. i want people to want to be around me. i want people to be around. i want conversation and laughter and nerdy jokes about religion. i want to cry.
and many tears i have.