(no subject)
Eh. I have ennui today. Partly of course because B is gone (it felt so natural to have her here), but this always happens when I come home. I handle all kinds of stuff at once without breaking down when I'm at school, and when I'm in a place where I feel safe, all of the emotions I put off feeling crash down on me and I feel sick and cranky. At least I knew it was coming. I'm giving myself time to adjust.
Going from place to place to place like this is hard. I always feel like I've got my feet knocked out from under me. Like coming back from Panama with 65 cents in my pocket, which in Panama would buy me a meal and in American airports would not buy me a pack of gum. At school I feel out of place because I feel less concerned than many people with what scholars say, less thrilled by research, but the fact is, the schoolwork I do earns me more validation than anything else in my life. At school I can write A papers without trying, but for some reason here I can't do anything well without trying.
Coming home is good for my spiritual life, though. It reminds me of how vulnerable I am. I prayed for God to help me with pride this year. Guess I should pray some more.
Going from place to place to place like this is hard. I always feel like I've got my feet knocked out from under me. Like coming back from Panama with 65 cents in my pocket, which in Panama would buy me a meal and in American airports would not buy me a pack of gum. At school I feel out of place because I feel less concerned than many people with what scholars say, less thrilled by research, but the fact is, the schoolwork I do earns me more validation than anything else in my life. At school I can write A papers without trying, but for some reason here I can't do anything well without trying.
Coming home is good for my spiritual life, though. It reminds me of how vulnerable I am. I prayed for God to help me with pride this year. Guess I should pray some more.