L Word - Season 6, episode 6
My reaction to this week’s ep; much like Bette & Tina’s reaction to their contractor; is “I’m just confused”.
I wrote a whole load of notes… I think they’re mostly death threats - I’m getting into the spirit of things.
I cannot apologise enough for the insanity of this week’s episode & the subsequent reviewing of said episode.
We start this episode, in Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory. Everyone’s singing the Oompa Loompa song, in the house of Shenny, which is filled with balloons & giant lolly pops & apparently they’re having a Willy Wonka themed baby shower for Max, ‘cos it was his favourite story. If anyone ever wants to throw me a party, I’m a huge fan of the Chronicles of Narnia. Just saying.
How come nobody threw Tina a baby shower?
I am actually terrified, mostly ‘cos they all are actually singing the Oompa Loompa song.
Oh look, Shane’s wearing a bowler hat! Squeeee! I adore bowler hats. I adore women who wear bowler hats. :D
Jenny - who has a giant lolly pop (why?) - asks Alice - who’s in the process of inflating a balloon - where the Willy Wonka (that’s more times than I ever want to say that name in a review of the L Word) chocolate bars that she promised are… Alice glares and just, lets go of her balloon in frustration. It’s adorable.
Good goodness! What is Bette wearing?! I thought she’d stopped wearing awful tops? That thing is scarier than the entire core cast of the show singing the Oompa Loompa song!
Shane & Alice have an adorable, helium filled conversation about Jenny, it goes like this…
Shane:[inhales helium] What do you want me to do about it?
Alice: know what I want you to do? [takes balloon & inhales helium] I want you to dump her! [walks away]
Shane: [inhales more helium] It’s not that easy Alice.
Jenny’s being a bitch, & wants to know why Jamie is there, ‘cos she doesn’t know Max. Whatever. Stop being a bitch Jenny.
Aww, look who’s here. It’s the new happy couple, Helena & Dylan… who don’t want to be there & are planning their escape before they’re even in the house - very wise.
Jenny greets them, over enthusiastically, Helena goes to get a drink, & then Jenny forgets how to stop talking. She’s babbling on about how Dylan passed last weeks test… & I can’t decide if she’s really that evil, or if she’s just so absolutely clueless. Really, I don’t know any more. It’s like the line between genius & insanity, only, with evil & stupidity.
The best thing about this exchange is everyone’s face as they realise what Jenny’s doing.
Helena returns - apparently, she’s the only person in the house who has no idea what’s just happened - Dylan asks if Nikki was a test, Jenny makes it worse, and Dylan leaves - past Max, who’s stood at the doorway worrying about what he’s about to walk into (poor Max). Helena follows after Dylan, but not before she turns to Shane and informs her ”I’m gonna fucking kill your girlfriend” and she sounds like a cute little kid in the playground… hers is the most adorable threat. Truly.
Everyone wishes Max a “happy baby shower” & then we have the opening titles. No really. Yeah, I know I’ve written a whole page of review already, but I swear, we’re only just at the opening titles. I told you I had a whole heap of notes!
You know, now that they’ve stopped singing, this party looks kinda cool! I think I want this party… except, minus the awkwardness & the psychopath.
Max has been trussed up as Willy Wonka (last time I’ll say it, I promise) and is sat on a makeshift throne, with a golden ticket & a balloon. He is clearly in his own personal Hell, but he’s far too sweet to say anything, so he just goes along with it. Poor Max. Poor, poor Max.
Helena returns, Dylan has gone. Dylan’s gone? As in, end of relationship? As in, all that work & wasted time re-introducing Dylan & assuring that her intentions are genuine for that one awkward (yes, beautiful, but awkward also) sex scene & the tiny 30 seconds of sweetness we saw before Jenny happened? My goodness! That was the worst waste of time EVER! No really, what the Hell was the point? What was the point of the last episode? What was the point of bringing Dylan back at all? Ilene Chaiken, I want all that wasted time back! I demand it back! Go back in time right now & fix that terrible, terrible, pointless storyline you made me sit through! Take all Dylan & Helena scenes away & replace them with lovely, adorable, beautiful TiBette scenes, right now!
Okay, deep breath. Count to twenty. And…. I’m calm again.
Tina, Bette & Alice discuss Jenny’s evilness. Tina is still, for some reason, fighting Jenny’s corner. But, she’s doing it half-heartedly & very quickly decides that Jenny is, in fact, EVIL!
You know what I’m noticing? Of all the people who we’ve seen threaten Jenny, Alice is the only one who continues to hold a grudge. I’m just saying.
Oh, this party is awful. They’re wrapping pieces of ribbon around Max’s stomach to see who correctly guessed how big his baby bump is! Is this what happens at baby showers? ‘Cos if it is, I never want to attend one. Ever! I am so glad that we don’t have them in England.
Now, they’re sniffing a nappy - sorry, diaper - it has a mushed up chocolate bar in it. Tina correctly identifies the chocolate bar… By smell. What. The. Hell? Bette is terribly proud of this insane skill and gloats that ”She always wins this. At every shower.” Really? ‘Cos I’m pretty sure that they know nobody, except themselves, who has children… who’s baby showers have they attended? Do they just, wander around crashing people’s baby showers? Maybe Tina sniffs out chocolate and drags Bette into random people’s houses so that she can identify it?
Hey, I have a question. Where is Angelica? She would love this party. There’s balloons & candy & nursery rhymes…. This is better than her 6 month birthday party.
How is nobody noticing that Max is hating every second of this party? Why does nobody understand that Max doesn’t even want this baby?
Shane & Jamie - oh, Jamie’s allowed to talk to people who are not Alice & Tasha - are sat in the kitchen smoking pot. & flirting. It’s sweet. I think Shane & Jamie should hook up. Jamie’s very happy to be hanging out with Shane, ‘cos Alice really admires & adores her. Aww. Why does this come as such a surprise to Shane? Doesn’t she already know that?
Jenny arrives to break up the pot sharing & Jamie excuses herself…
….And then Hell freezes over.
I will now speak (type) a statement that I never, ever, wanted to speak. That I never, ever thought I would be able to speak.
< tiny voice >This Shenny scene, is quite sweet.< /tiny voice >
No, but it is. Jenny’s turned the crazy down & Shane’s stopped being hen pecked & this is how their relationship could have been. How it should have been, right from the start. Like their friendship, but with the extra goodness of ”squirrel grunts & monkey squeals”. Anyway, Jenny’s bought Shane a present…. More on that later.
Shane presents the cake - which is amazing - and Jenny has a knife! Everybody hide! Oh, so that’s why Angelica’s not there. Smart thinking TiBette!
Then there is gift giving. Kit has bought two ‘onesies’ - we call them vests here, but okay - which are actually adorable. I want some. They have cartoon punk & devil babies on them. Alice comments that the devil one looks like Jenny, which is hilarious!
Bette & Tina are obviously no longer strapped for cash, ‘cos they’ve bought a stroller. No wait, it’s ”more than a stroller”! We then have a bizarre infomercial about said stroller which is just embarrassing. This pram (sorry, I’m British, it’s a pram) has an hour long DVD with it. Huh?
Jenny & Shane, have bough a breast pump, even though Max has no intention of breast feeding. He gets a mini lecture on why he should though.
There’s also a discussion about birth plans & c sections & episiotomies - with useful (& by useful, I mean terrifying) scissor action fingers. It’s torturous.
Max, interestingly, is completely squeamish & freaked out by this. Considering he was transitioning from female to male, you would have though that he’d have given some consideration to having surgery uhm, down there? If the thought of one little snip makes him uncomfortable… I don’t think he ever would have gone through a complete transition.
& still, nobody sees how uncomfortable Max is. I kinda hate everyone for ignoring Max’s glaringly obvious discomfort.
Alice stands, to give a speech. Oh, this is fantastic… I quite literally laughed, right out loud, at this speech. Not the beginning part, that was just awkward. Adorable, but awkward.
She states that it’s great to have two parents like Bette & Tina; ”exhibit A, two adoring parents”. Oh Alice, don’t do that. I guess she has to do that, ‘cos they’re the only people she knows who have a child (who actually still lives with them, & not in Europe with their other mother); but they were separated for most of Angelica’s infancy & they keep abandoning her for weeks on end.
Okay, the rest of the speech, ‘cos it was a direct attack on Jenny, was brilliant! That’s what made me lol. I love Alice’s random, insane rambles. They’re quite adorable.
Max was obviously not as impressed with Alice’s speech as I was, ‘cos he starts having a panic attack. He kneels in front of Bette & Tina and begs them to adopt his baby. Yes! Yes give Bette & Tina your baby! They can abandon it, like they do their own child! :P No, I am actually in full support of Bette & Tina adopting Max’s baby. They don’t agree though & tell him he doesn’t mean it & besides, they’re already adopting a white trash (sorry, half white trash, half African American, but don’t tell Marcie’s parents) baby from Nevada.
I don’t think anyone has realised that Max is actually having a panic attack. They’re all shouting out the names of random drugs - which they all happen to have, just lying around - and someone suggests calling for an ambulance too. I find it all quite scary. If I were having a panic attack, & everyone around me kept shouting out names of drugs, it’d just make me panic more. Thankfully someone’s not trying to peddle (peddle? pedal?) drugs and brings Max a paper bag to hyperventilate into. Jenny shouts out that ”She’s pregnant! You cannot give a pregnant lady drugs”. Which, as I’m sure you’re all aware, is the magical cure for panic attacks…? Or, it is in Max’s case anyway, ‘cos he manages to recover enough to remind Jenny that he is in fact a he, not a she!
Wow! Excruciating baby shower is now over. Max is stood naked (sorry, not naked, he has shorts on) in the bathroom, trying & failing to squash his breasts. And then - miracle of miracles - he shaves that creature off his chin! Yay! No more Grizzly Addams!
My most prevalent thought, throughout this scene, oddly enough, is that Daniela Sea has beautiful eyes. Beautiful eyes & no facial hair…. I think I can go back to finding her attractive again.
I’m at the end of page 3… and we’ve only just left the baby shower from Hell. This is gonna be a loooooong review. Just to warn you. Very long. If you wanna abandon ship now, I won’t hold it against you.
We are now in Joyce’s office, she’s sending a text to her lady love about how she’s being bored to death by Tina & Bette. Wait, Joyce is complaining that Bette & Tina are boring? Has she never spent any time with herself?!
I assume Bette & Tina are there for legal advice about their adoption, but Joyce isn’t paying any attention & is eager to announce that Phyllis accepted her proposal…. Remember her proposal? It was 4 episodes ago, & Bette already knows all this - why are they acting surprised? I hope they’re not paying for this consultation.
Okay, I’m not American so, I’m clueless about these things but, who is Gavin Newsom? Is he the actual mayor of San Francisco? Why do they keep dropping his name like they have political tourettes? Are they trying to push some bizarre political agenda? It’s irritating.
Joyce bugs me. Can someone kill her please?
Oh wait, you see what’s happening now? Joyce is actually doing something lawyer-y. Bette & Tina can’t adopt the white trash baby ‘cos Nevada doesn’t allow gay couples to adopt! Oh no! They have 2 options… 1) adopt the baby as a single parent & then do the 2nd parent adoption back in LA like they did with Angie; 2) have Marcie stay with them & give birth to the baby in LA.
Bette’s not so keen on option 1 - something about not lying about who they are, and so it’s decided that they’ll be having a house guest. Oh yeah, ‘cos Marcie’s parents are gonna love that idea!
”Mom, Bob, I’m gonna go stay with that lesbian couple that you insulted and kicked out of the house so that I can give birth to my half African American baby in LA and give it to them. Oh, & can I leave my kids with you while I’m gone? Thanks.” This spells badness for TiBette. I think they really are gonna end up having to adopt Max’s baby.
Now, we see the happy threesome, they’ve just been working out… something about Tasha’s endurance test for joining the police. Alice looks so cute in this scene. They tease Alice about how unfit she is; they complement Jamie & Tasha ‘cos they’re both really fit; then Jamie decides to go home for a shower. Alice suggests she uses their shower & Tasha offers to lend her clothes - why is Tasha giving her clothes? Jamie’s closer in size to Alice. Whatever.
Jamie undresses in the bathroom (the bathroom which is not her own), with the door open a little bit. That’s odd. Have a modicum of modesty Jamie.
Oh I see, it’s so Tasha can see her boobies when she takes her some clothes. & do you see what the sight of Jamie’s breasts does to Tasha? It makes her really really need to have sex. She climbs on top of Alice - who is practically asleep after her work out - reaches down into her pants and fucks her. Second sex scene of the entire season & they appear to be having, what I believe would be referred to as, ‘jack rabbit sex’. I’m not impressed with this scene, it’s awful. It is awful, isn’t it? It’s like cheap porn. This is how pre-adolescent boys think lesbians have sex. This is how pre-adolescent boys think everyone has sex.
In the bathroom, Jamie hears whispered moans of pleasure and smiles to herself and I briefly worry that she’s gonna go see if she can join in. She doesn’t, but she does get almost close enough to watch… and then she makes her presence known, rather obnoxiously, before Alice even has time to recover. That’s just rude; can’t you at least let them cuddle for a minute?
Tasha runs off to the shower - a cold one, I think - and after an awkward moment, Alice runs off to join her. Now, I know that they just had sex with Jamie in the next room; but they didn’t announce it, & they did try to stay quiet so she didn’t hear. But, running off to shower together, telling Jamie that that’s what you’re doing? That’s just… just… I don’t know what that is, but I don’t think it’s acceptable.
Well, it turns out that Marcie does want to stay in the house of TiBette, well of course she does, she’s seen all the cool pictures of your house, and also, did you see where she lives? Tina’s concerned about who’ll look after Marcie’s kids? Tina, who the frick looks after your kid? Where is Angelica? Is she running around the house while all those builders are there with their saws & hammers & other dangerous tools?
Also, Bette thinks that driving Marcie around will be hard. Why Bette? Where is she likely to need to go anyway? It’s not like they’re gonna be ferrying her around to clubs & parties at all hours of the day & night! Plus, Bette, she’s giving you her child; I think the least you can do is drive her around for a month.
We then get to meet the contractor… who is a scary, irritating woman who makes various obscene comments about men. This woman is called Wheazy? And looks like a stereotype. A very outdated stereotype; but a stereotype none the less.
I’m wondering why they hired this woman… she really is very annoying & her laugh is making me want to stick things in my ears so that I can’t hear it any more.
Wheazy goes to build something and Bette & Tina have a conversation about how very confused they are. Oh TiBette, don’t judge people by appearance. Just ‘cos she looks like a dyke; doesn’t mean that she is a dyke. I don’t know if I find this conversation embarrassing or amusing. I did think that Bette’s imitation of Wheazy’s laugh was cute though.
Anyone wondering what Jenny’s present for Shane was? Anyone remember that that was even mentioned? No? Well, tough, ‘cos that’s what the next scene of the show is.
Jenny has bought Shane her very own photography studio! Wait, Shane took a couple of pictures of Molly, had a 2 minute conversation (with Molly) about wanting to learn photography and hasn’t been near a camera since. Why buy her a photo studio?
Actually, this is like season 1 when Cherie made her husband buy Shane a salon. That didn’t end well. Why do people like buying Shane buildings?
Actually, going to see a building with Shane is always a bad omen. Wanna know why? Okay:
Cherie - showed Shane around the salon; result = Cherie’s daughter fell in love with Shane, Cherie’s husband found out what was going on & threatened to kill Shane… Shane’s heart got broke & dreams of owning her own salon were dashed.
Carmen - went with Shane to look around Wax; result = Shane left her at the altar.
Paige - went to look at a house with Shane; result = she caught Shane naked & sweaty with the realtor & burned down Wax.
Jenny - shows Shane around a photo studio; result = Jenny dies.
I’m confused, ‘cos I can’t read Shane’s facial expressions here. Is she scared? Annoyed? Confused? Or really, genuinely touched?
Back at Bette & Tina’s, Bette checks outside & informs Tina that her car is here. Why does Tina need a car? Is she going somewhere? Where’s she going? Oh, she looks so pretty.
This whole exchange is just sweetness, covered in chocolate & dipped in sugar strands. I like this, I wanna see more of this. Just simple, sweet, everyday stuff. With the sweet kisses & the mutual respect & understanding & balance and aww-ness!
Tina’s going to New York… to get a new movie off the ground. Huh? She’s working? I thought she got fired last week? Did she get a new job already? How? I can’t imagine Aaron & William gave her a glowing reference.
Wheazy is stood on the stairs - it’s odd that Bette & Tina’s house has stairs now - watching the sweet kisses and being generally odd.
Tina leaves and Wheazy scares Bette to death. I think Wheazy’s a serial killer. Maybe she kills Jenny. There is then a very strange conversation… Wheazy thinks that Tina is Bette’s sister. That’s not even the worst part. Wheazy knows that Bette & Tina co-parent Angelica; she knows that they’re ‘partners’; she’s been working in their house for several weeks, so she knows that they only have two bedrooms, and one of them is Angelica’s & the other has a double bed; I can only assume that she’s encountered quite a few kisses between Bette & Tina… And she still thinks that they’re sisters?!? I’m sorry, is she really that much of an idiot? Or does she believe that Bette & Tina are in an incestuous lesbian relationship? Again I have to ask… why did they hire this woman? This Bette, this is the kind of thinking that you should not be exposing Angelica to.
After more comments about Wheazy being on the prowl for a man, the scary woman leaves and Bette once again repeats ”I’m just confused.” You’re confused Bette? How the hell do you think we feel?
Oh, we’re at Hit! We’ve not been there for ages! Helena is getting very drunk. Is this heart-broken Helena? She looks closer to drunk than she does to heart-broken. Kit tries to make her stop drinking, but Helena’s not having any of it & yells at Kit, before storming off & trying to chat up one of her patrons (who happens to have a girlfriend sat on her lap).
Kit goes to bemoan the fact that she never gets any good lines or stories to Sunset Boulevard & finally, we clear up all of that pointless confusion - Kit’s not with Helena & her body ”doesn’t respond to it’s own kind”.
Hang on did Kit just say that Helena messed up? I don’t remember the ‘test’ being Helena’s idea…in fact, I remember Helena being against it. And also, Kit, if you thought it was such a bad idea, why didn’t you say something last week?
I don’t like watching Kit & Sunset together, it’s just embarrassing.
Thankfully, Helena manages to start a fight with that girl she was chatting up and Kit has to go and sort that out.
Poor Helena. Poor Sunset. Poor me.
Ah, Bette’s doing what Bette does best… bossing people around in an art gallery. Except, I don’t think that this is Bette… no really, who is this person? I don’t like Bette when she’s with Kelly.
Kelly’s ex wants to buy a female nude… don’t we all?
Oh thank goodness, the phone. & it’s Tina, which means that Bette starts being Bette again.
I think Tina must still be working for Shaolin, ‘cos she’s amazed that nobody in NY cares about the missing negative of Lez Girls (sorry, The Girls). In fact, people in NY don’t care about gossip, they just want to talk about movies. Tina’s pretty much in heaven, she loves NY & Bette loves NY… are they gonna be moving? I don’t think NY is the best place to be bringing up your kids. Especially if you don’t want to expose them to any kind of thinking that’s not completely gay friendly. Just saying.
Kelly interrupts Bette’s conversation ‘cos she thinks that they won’t have enough oysters. Oysters? Really Kelly? Jealousy, thy name is the annoying one! Thankfully, Bette puts Kelly in her place and ensures that she will never again refer to Tina as a ‘wife’. No, Tina’s not a wife; where have you been for the past 5 seasons Kelly? Season 1 Tina was a ‘wife’, season 6 Tina is a hot mama yamma! (Minus the infested roots). :)
Oh, die Kelly, Die! Why does Bette put up with her?
Oh look, Jamie has an apartment, & a dog. That’s a really nice apartment. How long have the happy threesome been hanging out? How do Alice & Tasha not know that Jamie has a dog? How have they never been to her apartment before?
Wow, Jamie’s really not shy is she, she just completely stripped off & got changed in full view of anyone who might like to see. Oh, Tasha’s getting all moody, I don’t think she likes that Jamie asked Alice to help her with her dress.
It’s the gallery opening - remember Bette’s last gallery opening? ‘cos you’re supposed to. You’re supposed to be thinking, oh, gallery openings make Bette want to be unfaithful, and Tina’s all the way in New York, she’ll never suspect a thing. This is lame. We all know that Bette’s not gonna cheat!
Oh look, artist guy from last week is there.
Kit & Helena look very impressed. Has Helena not been to one of Bette’s openings before? I guess probably not. Wow, it has been a long time since Bette worked in a gallery.
Oh goodness, Kelly’s so annoying. Really, that’s the only thought that I can form whenever she’s on screen.
Those are very nice pictures, I think I want one.
Oh look, Sunset’s there, out of drag. He looks better as a man. He’s just scary when he’s in drag. Does Kit not recognise him? Are we not supposed to recognise him?
Aww/eww, Shenny are sweet again. I don’t like that they made them sweet. Maybe I’m going insane??
Nope, not going insane, Jenny’s irritating me again. Why would she say that Bette & Kelly make a nice couple? They look like a couple ‘cos they’re both tall? Of course. Yes. Jenny logic is scary sometimes.
& now Sheeny are being sweet again! Make it STOP!!!
The happy threesome arrive & are not at all impressed. Is Tasha not an art lover? Why does Bette speak to her? Actually, has Bette ever spoken to Tasha?
Tasha states that she “doesn’t get it” to which Alice responds ”Well, it’s art.” Is Alice being patronizing? I don’t get it, Tasha smiled sweetly at her. You don’t smile sweetly at someone who’s patronizing you.
Nikki Stevens is there and the paparazzi are hounding her. It bugs me that Nikki is so famous. One movie. She has appeared in one movie!
Bette’s so glad that Nikki remembers her. Why would Nikki not remember her? Is Nikki really that dense? They did have rather a lot of encounters last season. Plus, she was acting in a movie about Bette’s life…. Maybe Bette’s that dense? I think being near Kelly is killing Bette’s brain cells.
Oh, Nikki wants Shane to leave with her. Shane agrees! YES!!! *Cheers & claps & happy dances*! :D Yes Shane, leave with Nikki. Go, go, fly, be free….!
Helena’s getting drunk again/still. Poor Helena.
Kit says something true - love sucks. Sunset disagrees, I don’t think Kit knows that he’s Sunset. How does she not realise? She’s been groping his muscles since episode 2. I knew it was him & I don’t pay that much attention.
Oh, he used that line that she told him she wanted someone to use on her. No Kit, you’re not supposed to throw a drink in his face. You’re supposed to say “Hey that’s my line!” like Heather Graham in Gray Maters. If you’ve never seen Gray Matters, you should watch that, instead of watching this episode of the L Word.
Poor Sunset (again).
Oh stop! Now Jamie’s saying that Bette & Kelly are a couple. They are *not* a couple. They don’t even look like a couple. They would never work as a couple. Ever. They’d last an hour, and then Bette would kill Kelly. Or I’d kill Kelly. Or anyone in the general vicinity of Kelly would kill Kelly.
Die Jamie Die!
Also, Die Jenny Die! She’s searching for Shane. I don’t even feel sorry for her, I’m glad that Shane ran off with Nikki.
Hang on, is Tasha being given a back story? She had a horrible childhood apparently. When did this happen? What? Now Jamie gets a back story too? Surprisingly, it’s very similar to Tasha’s back story. They bond over tales of their abusive fathers who ignored them & aww, how sweet! Bleurgh! *Rolls eyes*
Tasha’s never opened up about this stuff to Alice. They’ve been together for uhm, almost 3 whole seasons… if you count this season as one of them… I’m not even gonna attempt to figure out how long that is in real time; why does Alice know nothing about Tasha’s childhood?
Poor Alice, she loves Tasha lots, & now Tasha’s bonding with their *awesome* third wheel crush & it’s all gonna go to hell. I think it’s time to get rid of Jamie now Alice. Although, I have a very bad feeling that if Jamie goes… Tasha will go with her. Poor Alice.
It’s a good thing Jenny bought Shane a photography studio; otherwise she’d have had nowhere to take Nikki! Wait, they’re actually developing photos?!? Why are they not having sex? Who is this woman & what did she do with the real Shane?
Shane’s learned an awful lot about photography from nowhere. Maybe Shane’s a key, like Dawn… perhaps the monks just drop knowledge into her head.
Aww, that’s a really pretty picture of Molly. Why is she only just developing pictures she took of Molly? Oh right, she’s only ever taken pictures of Molly. When did she take that? That’s not one of the ones she took of Molly sleeping.
Nikki wants Shane to shoot her. How about I shoot you Nikki? I’m pretty handy with a bow & arrows.
Shane & Nikki kiss and then…. Shane throws up all over that pretty picture of Molly. Aww! Poor Shane. Nikki is generally useless and decides to leave.
I’m confused about why Shane threw up… was she feeling guilty? Were the oysters bad? Has Jenny put a secret evil spell on her that makes her hurl when she tries to kiss someone else? Did seeing the pretty picture of Molly make her realise what she lost & how badly she screwed up? Don’t worry Shane. Molly loves you, once Jenny’s dead, you can go find her & live happily ever after.
Oh, Angie has a new babysitter. It’s nice to know that someone looks after that child every once in a while. $60 for looking after one kid for a few hours?! I want to be Angelica’s babysitter!
Oh god, why is annoying there? Die Kelly Die Die Die!
Poor Jenny - yikes! Did I really just say that? - she’s being all sweet though. Driving around looking for Shane and then rushing to take care of her while she’s sick. Sorry, but it’s sweet.
Kelly is being very loud & obnoxious & annoying. Shut up Kelly, Angelica’s asleep! Why has Bette not kicked her out yet? Why did Bette let her in in the first place? Arghh…. She’s so irritating!
Aww, Shane looks really pretty, all sick-y. Jenny takes such good care of her.
I know I’ve said it before but Die Kelly! Die! She wants to cash in on that rain check, or something equally annoying. Does she honestly think she has even the slightest of chances with Bette? Seriously? Bette, please, just kick her to the curb and lets have an end to this torture. Oh, or push her into a table, that’ll work too! But, now you broke a glass.
Sick-y Shane looks like an actual girl. Like, more of a girl than when she got all girly-girled up for Carmen’s cousin’s dance-y thing (I don’t remember what it was called, something Spanish). She’s soooo pretty. Aww.
Why is Bette clearing the glass with her hands? Get a dustpan Bette, you’ll cut your fingers.
Okay, let me paint this picture. Kelly is sat on the table, laughing like an annoying, drunk loony. Bette is crouched down next to the table, clearing the broken glass. Only, from Jenny’s vantage point - looking out of her kitchen window - it looks a bit like Bette is crouching down doing something much more incriminating. You know what Jenny does? She takes a picture of this easily misinterpreted scene. Yep, she’s gonna hold that right over Bette’s pretty head.
My reaction to this? - Jennifer Schecter! You evil little witch!
You don’t wanna mess with Bette, she really will kill you!
Next weeks ep is the dance-a-thon, which should be very good (hopefully). I'm ever so sorry about the length of this review.
I wrote a whole load of notes… I think they’re mostly death threats - I’m getting into the spirit of things.
I cannot apologise enough for the insanity of this week’s episode & the subsequent reviewing of said episode.
We start this episode, in Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory. Everyone’s singing the Oompa Loompa song, in the house of Shenny, which is filled with balloons & giant lolly pops & apparently they’re having a Willy Wonka themed baby shower for Max, ‘cos it was his favourite story. If anyone ever wants to throw me a party, I’m a huge fan of the Chronicles of Narnia. Just saying.
How come nobody threw Tina a baby shower?
I am actually terrified, mostly ‘cos they all are actually singing the Oompa Loompa song.
Oh look, Shane’s wearing a bowler hat! Squeeee! I adore bowler hats. I adore women who wear bowler hats. :D
Jenny - who has a giant lolly pop (why?) - asks Alice - who’s in the process of inflating a balloon - where the Willy Wonka (that’s more times than I ever want to say that name in a review of the L Word) chocolate bars that she promised are… Alice glares and just, lets go of her balloon in frustration. It’s adorable.
Good goodness! What is Bette wearing?! I thought she’d stopped wearing awful tops? That thing is scarier than the entire core cast of the show singing the Oompa Loompa song!
Shane & Alice have an adorable, helium filled conversation about Jenny, it goes like this…
Shane:[inhales helium] What do you want me to do about it?
Alice: know what I want you to do? [takes balloon & inhales helium] I want you to dump her! [walks away]
Shane: [inhales more helium] It’s not that easy Alice.
Jenny’s being a bitch, & wants to know why Jamie is there, ‘cos she doesn’t know Max. Whatever. Stop being a bitch Jenny.
Aww, look who’s here. It’s the new happy couple, Helena & Dylan… who don’t want to be there & are planning their escape before they’re even in the house - very wise.
Jenny greets them, over enthusiastically, Helena goes to get a drink, & then Jenny forgets how to stop talking. She’s babbling on about how Dylan passed last weeks test… & I can’t decide if she’s really that evil, or if she’s just so absolutely clueless. Really, I don’t know any more. It’s like the line between genius & insanity, only, with evil & stupidity.
The best thing about this exchange is everyone’s face as they realise what Jenny’s doing.
Helena returns - apparently, she’s the only person in the house who has no idea what’s just happened - Dylan asks if Nikki was a test, Jenny makes it worse, and Dylan leaves - past Max, who’s stood at the doorway worrying about what he’s about to walk into (poor Max). Helena follows after Dylan, but not before she turns to Shane and informs her ”I’m gonna fucking kill your girlfriend” and she sounds like a cute little kid in the playground… hers is the most adorable threat. Truly.
Everyone wishes Max a “happy baby shower” & then we have the opening titles. No really. Yeah, I know I’ve written a whole page of review already, but I swear, we’re only just at the opening titles. I told you I had a whole heap of notes!
You know, now that they’ve stopped singing, this party looks kinda cool! I think I want this party… except, minus the awkwardness & the psychopath.
Max has been trussed up as Willy Wonka (last time I’ll say it, I promise) and is sat on a makeshift throne, with a golden ticket & a balloon. He is clearly in his own personal Hell, but he’s far too sweet to say anything, so he just goes along with it. Poor Max. Poor, poor Max.
Helena returns, Dylan has gone. Dylan’s gone? As in, end of relationship? As in, all that work & wasted time re-introducing Dylan & assuring that her intentions are genuine for that one awkward (yes, beautiful, but awkward also) sex scene & the tiny 30 seconds of sweetness we saw before Jenny happened? My goodness! That was the worst waste of time EVER! No really, what the Hell was the point? What was the point of the last episode? What was the point of bringing Dylan back at all? Ilene Chaiken, I want all that wasted time back! I demand it back! Go back in time right now & fix that terrible, terrible, pointless storyline you made me sit through! Take all Dylan & Helena scenes away & replace them with lovely, adorable, beautiful TiBette scenes, right now!
Okay, deep breath. Count to twenty. And…. I’m calm again.
Tina, Bette & Alice discuss Jenny’s evilness. Tina is still, for some reason, fighting Jenny’s corner. But, she’s doing it half-heartedly & very quickly decides that Jenny is, in fact, EVIL!
You know what I’m noticing? Of all the people who we’ve seen threaten Jenny, Alice is the only one who continues to hold a grudge. I’m just saying.
Oh, this party is awful. They’re wrapping pieces of ribbon around Max’s stomach to see who correctly guessed how big his baby bump is! Is this what happens at baby showers? ‘Cos if it is, I never want to attend one. Ever! I am so glad that we don’t have them in England.
Now, they’re sniffing a nappy - sorry, diaper - it has a mushed up chocolate bar in it. Tina correctly identifies the chocolate bar… By smell. What. The. Hell? Bette is terribly proud of this insane skill and gloats that ”She always wins this. At every shower.” Really? ‘Cos I’m pretty sure that they know nobody, except themselves, who has children… who’s baby showers have they attended? Do they just, wander around crashing people’s baby showers? Maybe Tina sniffs out chocolate and drags Bette into random people’s houses so that she can identify it?
Hey, I have a question. Where is Angelica? She would love this party. There’s balloons & candy & nursery rhymes…. This is better than her 6 month birthday party.
How is nobody noticing that Max is hating every second of this party? Why does nobody understand that Max doesn’t even want this baby?
Shane & Jamie - oh, Jamie’s allowed to talk to people who are not Alice & Tasha - are sat in the kitchen smoking pot. & flirting. It’s sweet. I think Shane & Jamie should hook up. Jamie’s very happy to be hanging out with Shane, ‘cos Alice really admires & adores her. Aww. Why does this come as such a surprise to Shane? Doesn’t she already know that?
Jenny arrives to break up the pot sharing & Jamie excuses herself…
….And then Hell freezes over.
I will now speak (type) a statement that I never, ever, wanted to speak. That I never, ever thought I would be able to speak.
< tiny voice >This Shenny scene, is quite sweet.< /tiny voice >
No, but it is. Jenny’s turned the crazy down & Shane’s stopped being hen pecked & this is how their relationship could have been. How it should have been, right from the start. Like their friendship, but with the extra goodness of ”squirrel grunts & monkey squeals”. Anyway, Jenny’s bought Shane a present…. More on that later.
Shane presents the cake - which is amazing - and Jenny has a knife! Everybody hide! Oh, so that’s why Angelica’s not there. Smart thinking TiBette!
Then there is gift giving. Kit has bought two ‘onesies’ - we call them vests here, but okay - which are actually adorable. I want some. They have cartoon punk & devil babies on them. Alice comments that the devil one looks like Jenny, which is hilarious!
Bette & Tina are obviously no longer strapped for cash, ‘cos they’ve bought a stroller. No wait, it’s ”more than a stroller”! We then have a bizarre infomercial about said stroller which is just embarrassing. This pram (sorry, I’m British, it’s a pram) has an hour long DVD with it. Huh?
Jenny & Shane, have bough a breast pump, even though Max has no intention of breast feeding. He gets a mini lecture on why he should though.
There’s also a discussion about birth plans & c sections & episiotomies - with useful (& by useful, I mean terrifying) scissor action fingers. It’s torturous.
Max, interestingly, is completely squeamish & freaked out by this. Considering he was transitioning from female to male, you would have though that he’d have given some consideration to having surgery uhm, down there? If the thought of one little snip makes him uncomfortable… I don’t think he ever would have gone through a complete transition.
& still, nobody sees how uncomfortable Max is. I kinda hate everyone for ignoring Max’s glaringly obvious discomfort.
Alice stands, to give a speech. Oh, this is fantastic… I quite literally laughed, right out loud, at this speech. Not the beginning part, that was just awkward. Adorable, but awkward.
She states that it’s great to have two parents like Bette & Tina; ”exhibit A, two adoring parents”. Oh Alice, don’t do that. I guess she has to do that, ‘cos they’re the only people she knows who have a child (who actually still lives with them, & not in Europe with their other mother); but they were separated for most of Angelica’s infancy & they keep abandoning her for weeks on end.
Okay, the rest of the speech, ‘cos it was a direct attack on Jenny, was brilliant! That’s what made me lol. I love Alice’s random, insane rambles. They’re quite adorable.
Max was obviously not as impressed with Alice’s speech as I was, ‘cos he starts having a panic attack. He kneels in front of Bette & Tina and begs them to adopt his baby. Yes! Yes give Bette & Tina your baby! They can abandon it, like they do their own child! :P No, I am actually in full support of Bette & Tina adopting Max’s baby. They don’t agree though & tell him he doesn’t mean it & besides, they’re already adopting a white trash (sorry, half white trash, half African American, but don’t tell Marcie’s parents) baby from Nevada.
I don’t think anyone has realised that Max is actually having a panic attack. They’re all shouting out the names of random drugs - which they all happen to have, just lying around - and someone suggests calling for an ambulance too. I find it all quite scary. If I were having a panic attack, & everyone around me kept shouting out names of drugs, it’d just make me panic more. Thankfully someone’s not trying to peddle (peddle? pedal?) drugs and brings Max a paper bag to hyperventilate into. Jenny shouts out that ”She’s pregnant! You cannot give a pregnant lady drugs”. Which, as I’m sure you’re all aware, is the magical cure for panic attacks…? Or, it is in Max’s case anyway, ‘cos he manages to recover enough to remind Jenny that he is in fact a he, not a she!
Wow! Excruciating baby shower is now over. Max is stood naked (sorry, not naked, he has shorts on) in the bathroom, trying & failing to squash his breasts. And then - miracle of miracles - he shaves that creature off his chin! Yay! No more Grizzly Addams!
My most prevalent thought, throughout this scene, oddly enough, is that Daniela Sea has beautiful eyes. Beautiful eyes & no facial hair…. I think I can go back to finding her attractive again.
I’m at the end of page 3… and we’ve only just left the baby shower from Hell. This is gonna be a loooooong review. Just to warn you. Very long. If you wanna abandon ship now, I won’t hold it against you.
We are now in Joyce’s office, she’s sending a text to her lady love about how she’s being bored to death by Tina & Bette. Wait, Joyce is complaining that Bette & Tina are boring? Has she never spent any time with herself?!
I assume Bette & Tina are there for legal advice about their adoption, but Joyce isn’t paying any attention & is eager to announce that Phyllis accepted her proposal…. Remember her proposal? It was 4 episodes ago, & Bette already knows all this - why are they acting surprised? I hope they’re not paying for this consultation.
Okay, I’m not American so, I’m clueless about these things but, who is Gavin Newsom? Is he the actual mayor of San Francisco? Why do they keep dropping his name like they have political tourettes? Are they trying to push some bizarre political agenda? It’s irritating.
Joyce bugs me. Can someone kill her please?
Oh wait, you see what’s happening now? Joyce is actually doing something lawyer-y. Bette & Tina can’t adopt the white trash baby ‘cos Nevada doesn’t allow gay couples to adopt! Oh no! They have 2 options… 1) adopt the baby as a single parent & then do the 2nd parent adoption back in LA like they did with Angie; 2) have Marcie stay with them & give birth to the baby in LA.
Bette’s not so keen on option 1 - something about not lying about who they are, and so it’s decided that they’ll be having a house guest. Oh yeah, ‘cos Marcie’s parents are gonna love that idea!
”Mom, Bob, I’m gonna go stay with that lesbian couple that you insulted and kicked out of the house so that I can give birth to my half African American baby in LA and give it to them. Oh, & can I leave my kids with you while I’m gone? Thanks.” This spells badness for TiBette. I think they really are gonna end up having to adopt Max’s baby.
Now, we see the happy threesome, they’ve just been working out… something about Tasha’s endurance test for joining the police. Alice looks so cute in this scene. They tease Alice about how unfit she is; they complement Jamie & Tasha ‘cos they’re both really fit; then Jamie decides to go home for a shower. Alice suggests she uses their shower & Tasha offers to lend her clothes - why is Tasha giving her clothes? Jamie’s closer in size to Alice. Whatever.
Jamie undresses in the bathroom (the bathroom which is not her own), with the door open a little bit. That’s odd. Have a modicum of modesty Jamie.
Oh I see, it’s so Tasha can see her boobies when she takes her some clothes. & do you see what the sight of Jamie’s breasts does to Tasha? It makes her really really need to have sex. She climbs on top of Alice - who is practically asleep after her work out - reaches down into her pants and fucks her. Second sex scene of the entire season & they appear to be having, what I believe would be referred to as, ‘jack rabbit sex’. I’m not impressed with this scene, it’s awful. It is awful, isn’t it? It’s like cheap porn. This is how pre-adolescent boys think lesbians have sex. This is how pre-adolescent boys think everyone has sex.
In the bathroom, Jamie hears whispered moans of pleasure and smiles to herself and I briefly worry that she’s gonna go see if she can join in. She doesn’t, but she does get almost close enough to watch… and then she makes her presence known, rather obnoxiously, before Alice even has time to recover. That’s just rude; can’t you at least let them cuddle for a minute?
Tasha runs off to the shower - a cold one, I think - and after an awkward moment, Alice runs off to join her. Now, I know that they just had sex with Jamie in the next room; but they didn’t announce it, & they did try to stay quiet so she didn’t hear. But, running off to shower together, telling Jamie that that’s what you’re doing? That’s just… just… I don’t know what that is, but I don’t think it’s acceptable.
Well, it turns out that Marcie does want to stay in the house of TiBette, well of course she does, she’s seen all the cool pictures of your house, and also, did you see where she lives? Tina’s concerned about who’ll look after Marcie’s kids? Tina, who the frick looks after your kid? Where is Angelica? Is she running around the house while all those builders are there with their saws & hammers & other dangerous tools?
Also, Bette thinks that driving Marcie around will be hard. Why Bette? Where is she likely to need to go anyway? It’s not like they’re gonna be ferrying her around to clubs & parties at all hours of the day & night! Plus, Bette, she’s giving you her child; I think the least you can do is drive her around for a month.
We then get to meet the contractor… who is a scary, irritating woman who makes various obscene comments about men. This woman is called Wheazy? And looks like a stereotype. A very outdated stereotype; but a stereotype none the less.
I’m wondering why they hired this woman… she really is very annoying & her laugh is making me want to stick things in my ears so that I can’t hear it any more.
Wheazy goes to build something and Bette & Tina have a conversation about how very confused they are. Oh TiBette, don’t judge people by appearance. Just ‘cos she looks like a dyke; doesn’t mean that she is a dyke. I don’t know if I find this conversation embarrassing or amusing. I did think that Bette’s imitation of Wheazy’s laugh was cute though.
Anyone wondering what Jenny’s present for Shane was? Anyone remember that that was even mentioned? No? Well, tough, ‘cos that’s what the next scene of the show is.
Jenny has bought Shane her very own photography studio! Wait, Shane took a couple of pictures of Molly, had a 2 minute conversation (with Molly) about wanting to learn photography and hasn’t been near a camera since. Why buy her a photo studio?
Actually, this is like season 1 when Cherie made her husband buy Shane a salon. That didn’t end well. Why do people like buying Shane buildings?
Actually, going to see a building with Shane is always a bad omen. Wanna know why? Okay:
Cherie - showed Shane around the salon; result = Cherie’s daughter fell in love with Shane, Cherie’s husband found out what was going on & threatened to kill Shane… Shane’s heart got broke & dreams of owning her own salon were dashed.
Carmen - went with Shane to look around Wax; result = Shane left her at the altar.
Paige - went to look at a house with Shane; result = she caught Shane naked & sweaty with the realtor & burned down Wax.
Jenny - shows Shane around a photo studio; result = Jenny dies.
I’m confused, ‘cos I can’t read Shane’s facial expressions here. Is she scared? Annoyed? Confused? Or really, genuinely touched?
Back at Bette & Tina’s, Bette checks outside & informs Tina that her car is here. Why does Tina need a car? Is she going somewhere? Where’s she going? Oh, she looks so pretty.
This whole exchange is just sweetness, covered in chocolate & dipped in sugar strands. I like this, I wanna see more of this. Just simple, sweet, everyday stuff. With the sweet kisses & the mutual respect & understanding & balance and aww-ness!
Tina’s going to New York… to get a new movie off the ground. Huh? She’s working? I thought she got fired last week? Did she get a new job already? How? I can’t imagine Aaron & William gave her a glowing reference.
Wheazy is stood on the stairs - it’s odd that Bette & Tina’s house has stairs now - watching the sweet kisses and being generally odd.
Tina leaves and Wheazy scares Bette to death. I think Wheazy’s a serial killer. Maybe she kills Jenny. There is then a very strange conversation… Wheazy thinks that Tina is Bette’s sister. That’s not even the worst part. Wheazy knows that Bette & Tina co-parent Angelica; she knows that they’re ‘partners’; she’s been working in their house for several weeks, so she knows that they only have two bedrooms, and one of them is Angelica’s & the other has a double bed; I can only assume that she’s encountered quite a few kisses between Bette & Tina… And she still thinks that they’re sisters?!? I’m sorry, is she really that much of an idiot? Or does she believe that Bette & Tina are in an incestuous lesbian relationship? Again I have to ask… why did they hire this woman? This Bette, this is the kind of thinking that you should not be exposing Angelica to.
After more comments about Wheazy being on the prowl for a man, the scary woman leaves and Bette once again repeats ”I’m just confused.” You’re confused Bette? How the hell do you think we feel?
Oh, we’re at Hit! We’ve not been there for ages! Helena is getting very drunk. Is this heart-broken Helena? She looks closer to drunk than she does to heart-broken. Kit tries to make her stop drinking, but Helena’s not having any of it & yells at Kit, before storming off & trying to chat up one of her patrons (who happens to have a girlfriend sat on her lap).
Kit goes to bemoan the fact that she never gets any good lines or stories to Sunset Boulevard & finally, we clear up all of that pointless confusion - Kit’s not with Helena & her body ”doesn’t respond to it’s own kind”.
Hang on did Kit just say that Helena messed up? I don’t remember the ‘test’ being Helena’s idea…in fact, I remember Helena being against it. And also, Kit, if you thought it was such a bad idea, why didn’t you say something last week?
I don’t like watching Kit & Sunset together, it’s just embarrassing.
Thankfully, Helena manages to start a fight with that girl she was chatting up and Kit has to go and sort that out.
Poor Helena. Poor Sunset. Poor me.
Ah, Bette’s doing what Bette does best… bossing people around in an art gallery. Except, I don’t think that this is Bette… no really, who is this person? I don’t like Bette when she’s with Kelly.
Kelly’s ex wants to buy a female nude… don’t we all?
Oh thank goodness, the phone. & it’s Tina, which means that Bette starts being Bette again.
I think Tina must still be working for Shaolin, ‘cos she’s amazed that nobody in NY cares about the missing negative of Lez Girls (sorry, The Girls). In fact, people in NY don’t care about gossip, they just want to talk about movies. Tina’s pretty much in heaven, she loves NY & Bette loves NY… are they gonna be moving? I don’t think NY is the best place to be bringing up your kids. Especially if you don’t want to expose them to any kind of thinking that’s not completely gay friendly. Just saying.
Kelly interrupts Bette’s conversation ‘cos she thinks that they won’t have enough oysters. Oysters? Really Kelly? Jealousy, thy name is the annoying one! Thankfully, Bette puts Kelly in her place and ensures that she will never again refer to Tina as a ‘wife’. No, Tina’s not a wife; where have you been for the past 5 seasons Kelly? Season 1 Tina was a ‘wife’, season 6 Tina is a hot mama yamma! (Minus the infested roots). :)
Oh, die Kelly, Die! Why does Bette put up with her?
Oh look, Jamie has an apartment, & a dog. That’s a really nice apartment. How long have the happy threesome been hanging out? How do Alice & Tasha not know that Jamie has a dog? How have they never been to her apartment before?
Wow, Jamie’s really not shy is she, she just completely stripped off & got changed in full view of anyone who might like to see. Oh, Tasha’s getting all moody, I don’t think she likes that Jamie asked Alice to help her with her dress.
It’s the gallery opening - remember Bette’s last gallery opening? ‘cos you’re supposed to. You’re supposed to be thinking, oh, gallery openings make Bette want to be unfaithful, and Tina’s all the way in New York, she’ll never suspect a thing. This is lame. We all know that Bette’s not gonna cheat!
Oh look, artist guy from last week is there.
Kit & Helena look very impressed. Has Helena not been to one of Bette’s openings before? I guess probably not. Wow, it has been a long time since Bette worked in a gallery.
Oh goodness, Kelly’s so annoying. Really, that’s the only thought that I can form whenever she’s on screen.
Those are very nice pictures, I think I want one.
Oh look, Sunset’s there, out of drag. He looks better as a man. He’s just scary when he’s in drag. Does Kit not recognise him? Are we not supposed to recognise him?
Aww/eww, Shenny are sweet again. I don’t like that they made them sweet. Maybe I’m going insane??
Nope, not going insane, Jenny’s irritating me again. Why would she say that Bette & Kelly make a nice couple? They look like a couple ‘cos they’re both tall? Of course. Yes. Jenny logic is scary sometimes.
& now Sheeny are being sweet again! Make it STOP!!!
The happy threesome arrive & are not at all impressed. Is Tasha not an art lover? Why does Bette speak to her? Actually, has Bette ever spoken to Tasha?
Tasha states that she “doesn’t get it” to which Alice responds ”Well, it’s art.” Is Alice being patronizing? I don’t get it, Tasha smiled sweetly at her. You don’t smile sweetly at someone who’s patronizing you.
Nikki Stevens is there and the paparazzi are hounding her. It bugs me that Nikki is so famous. One movie. She has appeared in one movie!
Bette’s so glad that Nikki remembers her. Why would Nikki not remember her? Is Nikki really that dense? They did have rather a lot of encounters last season. Plus, she was acting in a movie about Bette’s life…. Maybe Bette’s that dense? I think being near Kelly is killing Bette’s brain cells.
Oh, Nikki wants Shane to leave with her. Shane agrees! YES!!! *Cheers & claps & happy dances*! :D Yes Shane, leave with Nikki. Go, go, fly, be free….!
Helena’s getting drunk again/still. Poor Helena.
Kit says something true - love sucks. Sunset disagrees, I don’t think Kit knows that he’s Sunset. How does she not realise? She’s been groping his muscles since episode 2. I knew it was him & I don’t pay that much attention.
Oh, he used that line that she told him she wanted someone to use on her. No Kit, you’re not supposed to throw a drink in his face. You’re supposed to say “Hey that’s my line!” like Heather Graham in Gray Maters. If you’ve never seen Gray Matters, you should watch that, instead of watching this episode of the L Word.
Poor Sunset (again).
Oh stop! Now Jamie’s saying that Bette & Kelly are a couple. They are *not* a couple. They don’t even look like a couple. They would never work as a couple. Ever. They’d last an hour, and then Bette would kill Kelly. Or I’d kill Kelly. Or anyone in the general vicinity of Kelly would kill Kelly.
Die Jamie Die!
Also, Die Jenny Die! She’s searching for Shane. I don’t even feel sorry for her, I’m glad that Shane ran off with Nikki.
Hang on, is Tasha being given a back story? She had a horrible childhood apparently. When did this happen? What? Now Jamie gets a back story too? Surprisingly, it’s very similar to Tasha’s back story. They bond over tales of their abusive fathers who ignored them & aww, how sweet! Bleurgh! *Rolls eyes*
Tasha’s never opened up about this stuff to Alice. They’ve been together for uhm, almost 3 whole seasons… if you count this season as one of them… I’m not even gonna attempt to figure out how long that is in real time; why does Alice know nothing about Tasha’s childhood?
Poor Alice, she loves Tasha lots, & now Tasha’s bonding with their *awesome* third wheel crush & it’s all gonna go to hell. I think it’s time to get rid of Jamie now Alice. Although, I have a very bad feeling that if Jamie goes… Tasha will go with her. Poor Alice.
It’s a good thing Jenny bought Shane a photography studio; otherwise she’d have had nowhere to take Nikki! Wait, they’re actually developing photos?!? Why are they not having sex? Who is this woman & what did she do with the real Shane?
Shane’s learned an awful lot about photography from nowhere. Maybe Shane’s a key, like Dawn… perhaps the monks just drop knowledge into her head.
Aww, that’s a really pretty picture of Molly. Why is she only just developing pictures she took of Molly? Oh right, she’s only ever taken pictures of Molly. When did she take that? That’s not one of the ones she took of Molly sleeping.
Nikki wants Shane to shoot her. How about I shoot you Nikki? I’m pretty handy with a bow & arrows.
Shane & Nikki kiss and then…. Shane throws up all over that pretty picture of Molly. Aww! Poor Shane. Nikki is generally useless and decides to leave.
I’m confused about why Shane threw up… was she feeling guilty? Were the oysters bad? Has Jenny put a secret evil spell on her that makes her hurl when she tries to kiss someone else? Did seeing the pretty picture of Molly make her realise what she lost & how badly she screwed up? Don’t worry Shane. Molly loves you, once Jenny’s dead, you can go find her & live happily ever after.
Oh, Angie has a new babysitter. It’s nice to know that someone looks after that child every once in a while. $60 for looking after one kid for a few hours?! I want to be Angelica’s babysitter!
Oh god, why is annoying there? Die Kelly Die Die Die!
Poor Jenny - yikes! Did I really just say that? - she’s being all sweet though. Driving around looking for Shane and then rushing to take care of her while she’s sick. Sorry, but it’s sweet.
Kelly is being very loud & obnoxious & annoying. Shut up Kelly, Angelica’s asleep! Why has Bette not kicked her out yet? Why did Bette let her in in the first place? Arghh…. She’s so irritating!
Aww, Shane looks really pretty, all sick-y. Jenny takes such good care of her.
I know I’ve said it before but Die Kelly! Die! She wants to cash in on that rain check, or something equally annoying. Does she honestly think she has even the slightest of chances with Bette? Seriously? Bette, please, just kick her to the curb and lets have an end to this torture. Oh, or push her into a table, that’ll work too! But, now you broke a glass.
Sick-y Shane looks like an actual girl. Like, more of a girl than when she got all girly-girled up for Carmen’s cousin’s dance-y thing (I don’t remember what it was called, something Spanish). She’s soooo pretty. Aww.
Why is Bette clearing the glass with her hands? Get a dustpan Bette, you’ll cut your fingers.
Okay, let me paint this picture. Kelly is sat on the table, laughing like an annoying, drunk loony. Bette is crouched down next to the table, clearing the broken glass. Only, from Jenny’s vantage point - looking out of her kitchen window - it looks a bit like Bette is crouching down doing something much more incriminating. You know what Jenny does? She takes a picture of this easily misinterpreted scene. Yep, she’s gonna hold that right over Bette’s pretty head.
My reaction to this? - Jennifer Schecter! You evil little witch!
You don’t wanna mess with Bette, she really will kill you!
Next weeks ep is the dance-a-thon, which should be very good (hopefully). I'm ever so sorry about the length of this review.