(no subject)
I'm tired today. I had a hard time staying up past nine last night... I don't know if I haven't been sleeping well lately or not... I get plenty of sleep, it seems like sound sleep... but I wake up tired. And it doesn't seem to be getting much better. I can't be getting sick, because I don't really have that option anymore. I simply don't have the time to get sick.
It has occured to me that I keep hoping that my wife just wanted a broken man. I keep hoping that she'll be back, and this time everything will be fine because I'll have no say in the relationship and she'll dictate everything. Which is probably how it will be, because giving up my will is a far better thing than giving up her. I don't think I have much more spirit to break anyway. I think she could honestly come back today and be happy here. She'd get her way about everything, she could be happy.
Not sure if this is appropriate to put here or not... as this might be less of a musing and more of something directed at my wife... but unfortunately I have not been able to email my wife for the last couple of days.
But I miss her, and this has led me to more realizations than I had anticipated. I expected to miss her... that is part of this whole thing. But I didn't expect missing her to be so familiar. I've missed her for the last year. I just hadn't realized it until now. Perhaps it was really me that has changed. I miss things about her that I haven't had for a long time, and I don't know if it was she or I that stopped what I miss so much. I miss holding her, but I haven't held her in a while. I miss playing with her... we used to be very playful.. but not for a while now. As a matter of fact, I think I've turned into the grumpy spouse... when friends are over and playing (throwing a ball around or what not), I find it annoying as hell. I recognize that this is typically because almost all the times they choose to play like that it's almost always at a time in which I can't because I'm cooking food or taking care of the kids or working on a project... and I'm clearly not welcome in the game... I feel like the kid who is not chosen last to play on the little league team.
But why it happened is largely irrelevant to me. It doesn't change the fact that what I miss most about my wife I haven't had in a long time anyway. Is this the reason she left? It could be. In a way me realizing this is a very bad thing. A revelation like this can be intregal to the change required to get a relationship back together... but there seems to be a snag. While her leaving seems to have been the impetus to make me realize what we have become in the last couple of years, I don't think it's a problem we can overcome unless we're together. And she seems to think that her problems must be solved while we're apart. Perhaps the best solution is that we need to spend more time together. But on a scheduled, limited basis, so she can still get her space, and while together we can remake what we have lost along the way.
But at this point I don't think we have grown into two different people... we have grown in a similar fashion... but our relationship, and how we treat each other has grown into a direction that neither of us likes... perhaps I was just too busy with the kids to notice as fast as she did. I don't like the situation we found ourselves in any more than she did... I just didn't realize it until now.
It has occured to me that I keep hoping that my wife just wanted a broken man. I keep hoping that she'll be back, and this time everything will be fine because I'll have no say in the relationship and she'll dictate everything. Which is probably how it will be, because giving up my will is a far better thing than giving up her. I don't think I have much more spirit to break anyway. I think she could honestly come back today and be happy here. She'd get her way about everything, she could be happy.
Not sure if this is appropriate to put here or not... as this might be less of a musing and more of something directed at my wife... but unfortunately I have not been able to email my wife for the last couple of days.
But I miss her, and this has led me to more realizations than I had anticipated. I expected to miss her... that is part of this whole thing. But I didn't expect missing her to be so familiar. I've missed her for the last year. I just hadn't realized it until now. Perhaps it was really me that has changed. I miss things about her that I haven't had for a long time, and I don't know if it was she or I that stopped what I miss so much. I miss holding her, but I haven't held her in a while. I miss playing with her... we used to be very playful.. but not for a while now. As a matter of fact, I think I've turned into the grumpy spouse... when friends are over and playing (throwing a ball around or what not), I find it annoying as hell. I recognize that this is typically because almost all the times they choose to play like that it's almost always at a time in which I can't because I'm cooking food or taking care of the kids or working on a project... and I'm clearly not welcome in the game... I feel like the kid who is not chosen last to play on the little league team.
But why it happened is largely irrelevant to me. It doesn't change the fact that what I miss most about my wife I haven't had in a long time anyway. Is this the reason she left? It could be. In a way me realizing this is a very bad thing. A revelation like this can be intregal to the change required to get a relationship back together... but there seems to be a snag. While her leaving seems to have been the impetus to make me realize what we have become in the last couple of years, I don't think it's a problem we can overcome unless we're together. And she seems to think that her problems must be solved while we're apart. Perhaps the best solution is that we need to spend more time together. But on a scheduled, limited basis, so she can still get her space, and while together we can remake what we have lost along the way.
But at this point I don't think we have grown into two different people... we have grown in a similar fashion... but our relationship, and how we treat each other has grown into a direction that neither of us likes... perhaps I was just too busy with the kids to notice as fast as she did. I don't like the situation we found ourselves in any more than she did... I just didn't realize it until now.