Unexpected
I did not anticipate making any more updates. I really didn't. Not for a while, anyway. I thought I was done with everything. And then, something unexpected happened. I got a call from Maria. She had done something unexpected. She had called up her ex boyfriend and given him a "let's just be friends" speech. He didn't take it of course, but that's not really the point. The thing that surprized me was WHY she did it. This time there could be no doubt.
In times past, she has told me ahead of time when she was going to have these conversations with him. (this was their 6th) Then afterwards I'd get to hear how badly the conversation went. So... it could have been argued that the reason she was trying to dump him in the past was to please me. Or to try to keep me. Or... well, something about me. But this time was different. I hadn't asked her. I didn't know she was doing it. She was, without a doubt, trying to dump him because she simply wanted to. Even without me around, their relationship just was never that great, and that seemed to be her sole motivation. They've tried. It didn't work. Why is she seeing this now? I've no idea. I don't think it has anything to do with me however. Is it because they've been going through a hellish dragged out breakup for longer, at this point, than they were together in their mediocre relationship? Is she just coming to conclusions about what and who she is? Is she learning what she wants, and what she doesn't want, and learning not to let other people sway her so much? I'll probably never know. Neither will she most likely. But this time it had nothing to do with me, and for that I am very happy. This time it had to do with her. Which is what will make her happy in the long run.
She's becoming a bit different. Perhaps it's the solitude that's helping. Maybe it's just her time. She's thinking a bit more clearly. She's being open to new ideas, and taking those ideas in a different direction than they were originally intended. In months past, she hesitated to let people's ideas even influence her own unless she was being manipulated, because her stubborn "I want to do this my way" mentality (we've all got one) kicked in and she became resistant to acting based on an idea she did not think of herself. She is starting to change that. She's hearing ideas, integrating them, personalizing them, theorizing about them and then ... I suppose acting on them is the next step. It's a good direction, it will make her less susceptible to manipulation. Less able to have people walk over her. It strengthens the assertive muscles.
When I spoke to her last night she was ashamed. She did not want to tell me of the conversation initially (she called about something else entirely) because it had not gone as she had hoped it might have gone in an idealized fashion. But I was proud of her. I was proud that she had stepped out and done this, in a way that no one could pretend had anything to do with me. She was making the problem go away simply because she wanted to. She didn't do it for me. Or to keep me. At the time, she thought I was already gone, so keeping me could not have been a motivator.
It may lead to some good ends. It may lead to my arms being around her once again, where they belong. And it may lead to her happiness. She needs to be happy. And not just for normal happiness sake. In her position, she needs to be at her best in order to even survive the training she's undertaking. She needs her mind to be sharp and focused, and keen. She needs to be able to study without the distractions of hunger, sleepiness, sadness, or drama. She needs to be happy simply to be at her best. I hope that I could make her happy. I seem to. Every test we've ever had has been a raging success. I cannot say what the future would hold however. I hope she finds her happiness, and I hope she finds it soon enough.
Zeus - god of a ferret's perspective
In times past, she has told me ahead of time when she was going to have these conversations with him. (this was their 6th) Then afterwards I'd get to hear how badly the conversation went. So... it could have been argued that the reason she was trying to dump him in the past was to please me. Or to try to keep me. Or... well, something about me. But this time was different. I hadn't asked her. I didn't know she was doing it. She was, without a doubt, trying to dump him because she simply wanted to. Even without me around, their relationship just was never that great, and that seemed to be her sole motivation. They've tried. It didn't work. Why is she seeing this now? I've no idea. I don't think it has anything to do with me however. Is it because they've been going through a hellish dragged out breakup for longer, at this point, than they were together in their mediocre relationship? Is she just coming to conclusions about what and who she is? Is she learning what she wants, and what she doesn't want, and learning not to let other people sway her so much? I'll probably never know. Neither will she most likely. But this time it had nothing to do with me, and for that I am very happy. This time it had to do with her. Which is what will make her happy in the long run.
She's becoming a bit different. Perhaps it's the solitude that's helping. Maybe it's just her time. She's thinking a bit more clearly. She's being open to new ideas, and taking those ideas in a different direction than they were originally intended. In months past, she hesitated to let people's ideas even influence her own unless she was being manipulated, because her stubborn "I want to do this my way" mentality (we've all got one) kicked in and she became resistant to acting based on an idea she did not think of herself. She is starting to change that. She's hearing ideas, integrating them, personalizing them, theorizing about them and then ... I suppose acting on them is the next step. It's a good direction, it will make her less susceptible to manipulation. Less able to have people walk over her. It strengthens the assertive muscles.
When I spoke to her last night she was ashamed. She did not want to tell me of the conversation initially (she called about something else entirely) because it had not gone as she had hoped it might have gone in an idealized fashion. But I was proud of her. I was proud that she had stepped out and done this, in a way that no one could pretend had anything to do with me. She was making the problem go away simply because she wanted to. She didn't do it for me. Or to keep me. At the time, she thought I was already gone, so keeping me could not have been a motivator.
It may lead to some good ends. It may lead to my arms being around her once again, where they belong. And it may lead to her happiness. She needs to be happy. And not just for normal happiness sake. In her position, she needs to be at her best in order to even survive the training she's undertaking. She needs her mind to be sharp and focused, and keen. She needs to be able to study without the distractions of hunger, sleepiness, sadness, or drama. She needs to be happy simply to be at her best. I hope that I could make her happy. I seem to. Every test we've ever had has been a raging success. I cannot say what the future would hold however. I hope she finds her happiness, and I hope she finds it soon enough.
Zeus - god of a ferret's perspective