A short treatise on hurtful words
A Treatise, by the way, is an exposition. An essay of sorts. Someone I knew received a letter from me the other day, and apparantly it really bothered him. This is something I've thought a great deal about in the past, and developed a theory several years ago, so it reminded me that perhaps I should put my thoughts to paper. Or... ASCII, in this case.
Words that hurt and Words that do not hurt.
"Stick and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me". We all know that's crap. Words can hurt. But do all words hurt? Clearly not. Is it only about intent, or insults that hurt? I don't think so. If a strange three year old kid walks up to you and calls you a big poo-poo head, does that hurt? No, it's barely even annoying. If it was your own kid it would be worse, but even then, you're pretty sure your head is in fact... not made of poo-poo. Then, you have your wife who calls you a stupid bastard who'll never do anything with your life, and that really eats at you. What is the difference between the two statements? Examining this tells you something about yourself when you examine your own feelings after something hurts your feelings.
Sophistication
The first instinct is to say that the sophistication of the child was just not high enough to matter to you. Poo poo head is just not a very sophisticated jibe. But you should dismiss that as the reason. There are multiple reasons why the insult wasn't that hurtful that are more important to look at. Namely, importance and truth.
Importance
If someone is important to you, and they say something, that statement has more of an impact on you. If the kid is strange, it is less hurtful than your own kid. This is essential to consider because if something someone says is particularly hurtful to you, you need to examine whether or not the person is important to you. Do they have power over you? Why is this person's opinion so important to you?
Truth
You can call your buddy a complete retard. But would you call a retarded kid a complete retard? No... that would be insulting. It's insulting because it's true. If your spouse tells you that you're a worthless human being who will never amount to anything, it hurts mostly because there's a part of you (sometimes a large part depending on who you are) that beleives it. Or wonders. The fact is, you're questioning the truth. True statements are more hurtful.
Result
The reason I write this is because I find it important. If someone says something that I find hurtful, I find myself examining two things. Why is that person important to me, and how truthful is the statement? Sometimes, I can learn a bit about myself that I hadn't really wanted to think about previously.
Words that hurt and Words that do not hurt.
"Stick and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me". We all know that's crap. Words can hurt. But do all words hurt? Clearly not. Is it only about intent, or insults that hurt? I don't think so. If a strange three year old kid walks up to you and calls you a big poo-poo head, does that hurt? No, it's barely even annoying. If it was your own kid it would be worse, but even then, you're pretty sure your head is in fact... not made of poo-poo. Then, you have your wife who calls you a stupid bastard who'll never do anything with your life, and that really eats at you. What is the difference between the two statements? Examining this tells you something about yourself when you examine your own feelings after something hurts your feelings.
Sophistication
The first instinct is to say that the sophistication of the child was just not high enough to matter to you. Poo poo head is just not a very sophisticated jibe. But you should dismiss that as the reason. There are multiple reasons why the insult wasn't that hurtful that are more important to look at. Namely, importance and truth.
Importance
If someone is important to you, and they say something, that statement has more of an impact on you. If the kid is strange, it is less hurtful than your own kid. This is essential to consider because if something someone says is particularly hurtful to you, you need to examine whether or not the person is important to you. Do they have power over you? Why is this person's opinion so important to you?
Truth
You can call your buddy a complete retard. But would you call a retarded kid a complete retard? No... that would be insulting. It's insulting because it's true. If your spouse tells you that you're a worthless human being who will never amount to anything, it hurts mostly because there's a part of you (sometimes a large part depending on who you are) that beleives it. Or wonders. The fact is, you're questioning the truth. True statements are more hurtful.
Result
The reason I write this is because I find it important. If someone says something that I find hurtful, I find myself examining two things. Why is that person important to me, and how truthful is the statement? Sometimes, I can learn a bit about myself that I hadn't really wanted to think about previously.