(no subject)
When I was younger I used to think of suicide as a couple of things. I thought it was a way out. I also thought it was a way to transform mental and emotional pain into physical pain; something I could manage.
Entirely possible either way. But lately, I think it's less of either. I don't think I've ever stared this deeply into the abyss.
And you know what they say. If you stare into the abyss long enough, it gazes back at you. And I wonder if that is possible. Because I really feel that way sometimes. Sure, in the past I've felt hopeless, rejected, depressed, lethargic, apathetic, mad. Hell, I've probably felt every terrible emotion in the book at least once, no sweat. I'm good at bad.
But now...The truth is...
I know enough to see that everything is hopeless. Nothing works out. In the paraphrased words of Fight Club, "on a long enough time line everything turns to shit". And that's just true. Nothing lasts forever, nothing stays perfect. Things decay. Emotions, people, things. Everything decays at a variable rate. And that's not necessarily a good or bad thing, it's just reality.
But, I'm just smart enough to see the world that way. I see all of the terrible shit, and I see the reason. There is no reason. The reason is that there isn't a reason. And that's it.
I don't know if it's because I'm too smart, or not smart enough. But every choice, every thought; every desire. I see its end before its beginning.
For example... I want a job. But why bother? So I can spend the rest of my life pretending that I have a goal to die meaninglessly and with nothing that matters? Nothing matters, so no matter what I have it will amount to nothing in meaning regardless of my success or failure.
Normal people focus on the here and now, and they try to make the best of it. And maybe I'm not normal in a good way, or a bad way. I really can't tell. For the last 10 years, I've thought that I was somehow broken. Like part of me wasn't alive anymore. And that's just my feeling. But...
I feel like I'm a prisoner in my own mind. Like I'm sentenced to hard time for the rest of my life with nothing but my thoughts. And they are a tragic and painful cross to bear. Maybe that's my lot in life. I am reminded lately of a man standing with his arms out as if crucified; with fish hooks ripping into his heart. And attached to these hooks are chains. And at the end of these chains are heavy weights, dragging down his heart.
The concept is obviously metaphorical, such a thing would obviously kill a man. But I'd assume this symbolism is to suggest the weight on such a man's heart, and how it pulls him down, preventing him from rising above his station in life.
And with such thoughts, I just think you know. This is all nothing anyway. Why not fast forward a little bit? Suicide off the table, lately I've really really really wanted to become a fall down drunk. I mean, it would really be so much better to just be drunk 24-7 like half of the people in my life; never dealing with my emotions. Never processing pain.
Just drinking it away until I drop at 45 or so. Doesn't sound so bad. Not sure if it makes me strong or weak that I haven't gone that route yet.
Entirely possible either way. But lately, I think it's less of either. I don't think I've ever stared this deeply into the abyss.
And you know what they say. If you stare into the abyss long enough, it gazes back at you. And I wonder if that is possible. Because I really feel that way sometimes. Sure, in the past I've felt hopeless, rejected, depressed, lethargic, apathetic, mad. Hell, I've probably felt every terrible emotion in the book at least once, no sweat. I'm good at bad.
But now...The truth is...
I know enough to see that everything is hopeless. Nothing works out. In the paraphrased words of Fight Club, "on a long enough time line everything turns to shit". And that's just true. Nothing lasts forever, nothing stays perfect. Things decay. Emotions, people, things. Everything decays at a variable rate. And that's not necessarily a good or bad thing, it's just reality.
But, I'm just smart enough to see the world that way. I see all of the terrible shit, and I see the reason. There is no reason. The reason is that there isn't a reason. And that's it.
I don't know if it's because I'm too smart, or not smart enough. But every choice, every thought; every desire. I see its end before its beginning.
For example... I want a job. But why bother? So I can spend the rest of my life pretending that I have a goal to die meaninglessly and with nothing that matters? Nothing matters, so no matter what I have it will amount to nothing in meaning regardless of my success or failure.
Normal people focus on the here and now, and they try to make the best of it. And maybe I'm not normal in a good way, or a bad way. I really can't tell. For the last 10 years, I've thought that I was somehow broken. Like part of me wasn't alive anymore. And that's just my feeling. But...
I feel like I'm a prisoner in my own mind. Like I'm sentenced to hard time for the rest of my life with nothing but my thoughts. And they are a tragic and painful cross to bear. Maybe that's my lot in life. I am reminded lately of a man standing with his arms out as if crucified; with fish hooks ripping into his heart. And attached to these hooks are chains. And at the end of these chains are heavy weights, dragging down his heart.
The concept is obviously metaphorical, such a thing would obviously kill a man. But I'd assume this symbolism is to suggest the weight on such a man's heart, and how it pulls him down, preventing him from rising above his station in life.
And with such thoughts, I just think you know. This is all nothing anyway. Why not fast forward a little bit? Suicide off the table, lately I've really really really wanted to become a fall down drunk. I mean, it would really be so much better to just be drunk 24-7 like half of the people in my life; never dealing with my emotions. Never processing pain.
Just drinking it away until I drop at 45 or so. Doesn't sound so bad. Not sure if it makes me strong or weak that I haven't gone that route yet.