The real thing's getting away from you again while you're chasing ghosts
You know that saying, with the good comes the bad? Or maybe, just waiting for the other shoe to drop? It has. The bad has reared it's ugly head, and the shoe has dropped now. A few times. It's come crashing down and has decided that my head is it's target. Beating down on my skull so that I can no longer function...so that my mind wanders and a grain of salt can hold my attention for hours while those around me keep asking me questions that I can't answer.
Things were good. I'd had a few good days in a row. Amazing days actually. With the exception of drama within friendships which I have deided to ignore (the drama that is), it was good. I got the Assistant Copy Editor position, a job I had wanted. I found out that I get to go to Greece in January which has been my dream since 5th grade. Things at home were good. Generally happy all around. And then I made one phone call today and everything began going downhill from there. I called my dad, originally intent on asking him to help me pay for Greece seeing as I've been paying his third as well as mine and my mom's of my college tuition. I figured I could ask him for that. But I never got around to it. Instead, I was informed that my Nana...my grandma...the one remaining one that I have that doesn't hate me...has no hope. I knew she had a brain anuryzem or however you spell it. I knew that they were doing surgery to fix it which was fine. She'd be okay then. But they operated today, but couldn't do anything. It's inoperable. They said 3 months. I saw her over Spring Break and I will never see her again. Flashbacks of my other grandparents' deaths have been seeping into my thoughts all night now. The way my grandma looked in the casket. Watching her coffin being lowered into the ground. Holding onto my grandpa's hand before he died, watching them bury his ashes...breaking down in my kitchen when my dad called to tell me that my other grandma was dead. Even though Nana is my step grandma, she's meant a lot to me too. She knows a lot about me and is one of the sweetest people I have ever had the pleasure of meeting and having in my life. And now she's going to die and I won't be able to go down there to see her...ever. She'll be gone and I'm terrified. My cousin can't talk about it. I tried to talk to her but she seems to be in the same state of mind as I am. As much as I want to cry and break down, I can't. I talked to Sam about it earlier and I couldn't stop the tears. Right now, I'm alright. The crying has subsided...now I'm just in a state of disbelief. I find something that catches my eye...stare at it and let my mind shut off for a while.
Tomorrow is a new day. That is in 3 hours when I leave for Kansas City it'll be a new day. I'll be different. I'll have a cheesey plastic smile plastered across my face as I interview and kiss ass throughout my quasi campaign for president/VP/and Secretary of MCMA...yeah, that's going to be amazing. But right now isn't the time. Right now, I have to finish packing, take a shower, and leave. It's what I have to do. I don't have time to cry. Thanks, Joe Nichols. You're right about this one too.
~Amy~