random things:
1. I don't know if it has something to do with my current state of mind, but I've been having crazy dreams that feel so real I wake up thinking that they've happened. This has been every night for the past few weeks. Last night I dreamed I was in a movie with Daniel Day-Lewis. I don't quite remember the plot, but I was an adopted daughter of this crazy-rich-never-married woman who was brutally murdered. I had 4 other sisters. Strangely enough, they were all this woman's birth children, from different fathers. Apparently, Day-Lewis, having been a good friend of hers (or something like that; it seems as though she had done him a big favor, like gotten him out of trouble with some foreign government or gave him like, a bazillion dollars), took it upon himself to watch over us, as I was the oldest of the 5, and I was only 24 myself. There were fears of us being targeted by whoever killed this woman, as well. Not to mention the rest of them were in their teens/early 20's. Anyway, we go about our business and he randomly shows up at all the right times, and he winds up becoming sexually attracted to me. I don't know how or why, but he does. He kinda feels bad about it because there's a part of him, obviously, that watches over me as if I'm his daughter, as he does the rest of the girls, but he and I also seemed to have some kind of better understanding of each other. It was a far more equal relationship, especially in regards to the rest of the girls. Long story short, we have awesome sex, the end.
Totally thought it happened, for realz, for about 3 seconds, upon waking.
2. I am 90 percent sure I am moving to San Francisco in August of this year. It is obvious that I need to get out of Knoxville. I was entertaining the idea of moving back to Brooklyn, but I don't think I can go back there right now. I've been back 2 times in the past year, and though I had fun and loved seeing my old friends, the physical state of just being there made me sick. It's not that I don't love New York City; in fact, I fucking adore the place. But I need to distance myself from so many things, still. Namely, my family. It's obvious that my parents will never grow up, and I have a lot of growing to do, still. We cannot have any kind of healthy relationship, none of us, until someone decides to mature. I've taken it upon myself to do so. I don't expect to find some great, life-changing thing in California. I don't expect that all the things that make me abhor waking up in the morning will dissipate in the California sun, neither. But the more I expose myself to different places, people and things, the more I learn about myself, and the more knowledge I acquire. And the more I do this, the easier it will become to get to know myself. I intend to travel as much as I can until I am centered enough to settle down. I have so many personal demons still that make it hard for me to see things for what they really are. I cannot let those things become further obscured by dysfunctional relationships and what other people (THINK they) want.
2a. The idea of picking up and moving to San Fran scares the shit out of me, because secretly, I want to settle down. I want stability. I want to get a degree and be in a city that makes me happy. But I know that's not possible right now. More than anything, what bothers me most is the prospect of never seeing Joseph again (ex). The thought makes my stomach turn. Of course I don't know that I'd never see him again, but it definitely wouldn't be anytime soon after I move. I will forget about him in due time and enrich myself and be okay... but I don't ever want to forget him. It's sick and it's sad. I want to shrink him down and put him in my pocket and take him with me wherever I go, for reasons I can't even identify.
3. You can't give away the things you find in the dark. They go with you wherever you go. You can't run from them. But you can learn how to not be afraid of them.
4. I am really bad at saving money, so in an effort to do so, I am getting a second job so I can support my lavish spending habits. Sad, innit?
5. O-MOTHAFUCKIN-BAMA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
That is all.
Totally thought it happened, for realz, for about 3 seconds, upon waking.
2. I am 90 percent sure I am moving to San Francisco in August of this year. It is obvious that I need to get out of Knoxville. I was entertaining the idea of moving back to Brooklyn, but I don't think I can go back there right now. I've been back 2 times in the past year, and though I had fun and loved seeing my old friends, the physical state of just being there made me sick. It's not that I don't love New York City; in fact, I fucking adore the place. But I need to distance myself from so many things, still. Namely, my family. It's obvious that my parents will never grow up, and I have a lot of growing to do, still. We cannot have any kind of healthy relationship, none of us, until someone decides to mature. I've taken it upon myself to do so. I don't expect to find some great, life-changing thing in California. I don't expect that all the things that make me abhor waking up in the morning will dissipate in the California sun, neither. But the more I expose myself to different places, people and things, the more I learn about myself, and the more knowledge I acquire. And the more I do this, the easier it will become to get to know myself. I intend to travel as much as I can until I am centered enough to settle down. I have so many personal demons still that make it hard for me to see things for what they really are. I cannot let those things become further obscured by dysfunctional relationships and what other people (THINK they) want.
2a. The idea of picking up and moving to San Fran scares the shit out of me, because secretly, I want to settle down. I want stability. I want to get a degree and be in a city that makes me happy. But I know that's not possible right now. More than anything, what bothers me most is the prospect of never seeing Joseph again (ex). The thought makes my stomach turn. Of course I don't know that I'd never see him again, but it definitely wouldn't be anytime soon after I move. I will forget about him in due time and enrich myself and be okay... but I don't ever want to forget him. It's sick and it's sad. I want to shrink him down and put him in my pocket and take him with me wherever I go, for reasons I can't even identify.
3. You can't give away the things you find in the dark. They go with you wherever you go. You can't run from them. But you can learn how to not be afraid of them.
4. I am really bad at saving money, so in an effort to do so, I am getting a second job so I can support my lavish spending habits. Sad, innit?
5. O-MOTHAFUCKIN-BAMA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
That is all.