i should be asleep...
it's becoming more and more weird to journal anymore. to write out the details of my life in a factual and sometimes very vague way. i have recently become a bit more honest in here, a bit more unguarded.....but i still hesitate at what i write...what i say.
i have always been that way i guess, even when speaking to friends about my life. so much left out, so many details left unsaid for fear of judgement, for fear of coming across like a failure, a fraud, a complete immoral human being. the fear of being REAL. it's really weird to fear that, but i have always liked the facade that I am an uber-strong person, the friend with the very strong shoulder to lean and cry on, the mother that's got "tough love" down to a science, the woman who says she can speak her mind with ease. fact is....i'm a very emotional person. i am extremely sensitive of what others think of me, even though i say i don't care at all. I am the woman who feels righteous and gets lazy and is a terrible mother some days. I am selfish and uncaring in a lot of ways. there are times when i talk behind people's backs and gossip mercilessly. i judge different kinds of people and different ways of life. i get defensive and ugly with anger. i am not patient or kind when i want something and cannot have it. i have been unfaithful in my marriage and have participated in adultery to the finest degree. i now, i am the woman who will be breaking apart her family for the belief in happiness outside of marriage.
i am not a perfect woman. i have many flaws that i face every day when i look into the mirror. some of them, i face silently and shed private tears over, others have been publicly announced and seen and I deal with those as gracefully as i can. people have judged me, i have lost friends because of it....because of the true colors that shone through to the surface.
i want to accept who i am, flaws included and yet still become a happier, healthier, better human being. I feel i deserve that. i feel that the ones i have loved over the years deserve that too.
it's really hard to face who you are, accept it, and learn from that. it's really hard to finally be making decisions you think are the right ones and not feel the pain from making them.
yes, it is very late, i should be asleep, but it is thoughts like these that plague my brain so late at night.
i have always been that way i guess, even when speaking to friends about my life. so much left out, so many details left unsaid for fear of judgement, for fear of coming across like a failure, a fraud, a complete immoral human being. the fear of being REAL. it's really weird to fear that, but i have always liked the facade that I am an uber-strong person, the friend with the very strong shoulder to lean and cry on, the mother that's got "tough love" down to a science, the woman who says she can speak her mind with ease. fact is....i'm a very emotional person. i am extremely sensitive of what others think of me, even though i say i don't care at all. I am the woman who feels righteous and gets lazy and is a terrible mother some days. I am selfish and uncaring in a lot of ways. there are times when i talk behind people's backs and gossip mercilessly. i judge different kinds of people and different ways of life. i get defensive and ugly with anger. i am not patient or kind when i want something and cannot have it. i have been unfaithful in my marriage and have participated in adultery to the finest degree. i now, i am the woman who will be breaking apart her family for the belief in happiness outside of marriage.
i am not a perfect woman. i have many flaws that i face every day when i look into the mirror. some of them, i face silently and shed private tears over, others have been publicly announced and seen and I deal with those as gracefully as i can. people have judged me, i have lost friends because of it....because of the true colors that shone through to the surface.
i want to accept who i am, flaws included and yet still become a happier, healthier, better human being. I feel i deserve that. i feel that the ones i have loved over the years deserve that too.
it's really hard to face who you are, accept it, and learn from that. it's really hard to finally be making decisions you think are the right ones and not feel the pain from making them.
yes, it is very late, i should be asleep, but it is thoughts like these that plague my brain so late at night.