need more time
i feel like i don't have enough time now a days... its hard to find balance. Working 9-5 sucks, especially when it takes just about 2 hrs each way to commute....
monday night - laundry
tues night - MCAT class
wed night - therapy
thurs night - dinner with friend and fiance
friday night - birthday of fiance's ex gf
sat day - meeting w/friend for coffee, fiance goes ring shopping. go to post office and find a notary. clean apartment. buy shelving crap.
sat night - 2 birthdays of friends, conflicting times
sunday - i think i need to lie down.
I'm starting to make time for friends, but this is only because I can't go to the gym (i injured my knee when I went skiing at the end of january... its been getting worse). not moving is really depressing me... I was being so good and healthy... I was running on an elliptical 3x a week for 6-7 miles, and then climbing indoors for another 1-2 hrs afterwards. Usually interspersed with yoga and bouldering. It felt so good to move my body. And now I can barely walk for 20 mins. :( And I have crappy health insurance, so this saturday my fiance, bren, and i are going to find a notary to label us as domestic partners so that i can use his health insurance to go and see a dr. and get my knee looked at.
I still haven't gotten time/space to do art... I just moved again not even 3 wks ago, and i'm moving again in another month or two, so all my stuff is in boxes, and i'm in a studio/1bdrm apartment with 3 cats... so they can get all in my stuff! boooo... not to mention one of them eats EVERYTHING in sight.
But food wise, i think I'm doing OK. I had a diagnosed ED when I was 17, and it took me a while (hospitalization, medication, sedation) to recover... I was really upset with the way they had handled me when I was in the hospital, in that if I didn't eat something, they were going to put me on risperdal (antipsychotic) which didnt make sense to me.. i wasn't psychotic! and so I remember clearly after not eating really anything more than 100 cals a day, i ate 1/4 of a muffin, which was a big deal to me, and they still put me on the high dose of antipsychotics, like it meant nothing to them. I was so pissed off... and of course drowsy and out of it to boot. I think they assumed that since my mom has a psychotic disorder that i probably have one too... dumbasses.
Well, since then, i'd been medicated since (many different meds, many combinations, a lot of 'maxed out' doses) and finally this past July I was able to wean myself off of them and be ok, which made me think that i've finally reached a point in my life that i can handle things and be OK and everything doesn't seem like a huge mess. I think it helps immensely that I moved from CT to CA, on the other side of the country from my family, because no matter how much I love them, they are just all crazy and emotionally fucked up people... and it took me so long to learn that i can't fix people that don't want to be fixed... that their change has to come from within, and sometimes you just have to accept that they wont change.
I've dealt with so many fucked up things, and i'm proud of myself for pulling through them as well as i did. It doesn't mean that i don't still struggle with things from time to time, but i know that's going to happen and i have to learn to deal with things appropriately.
Weight wise, i realize this means that i'd fucked my metabolism seriously, and that i have to be consciously aware not to do that anymore. Not only from the ED, but from using stimulants (tina) as well... and its been a few months shy of 2 yrs since i've touched the suff, and i'm noticing that i think my body is starting to pick back up again.. i had gained about 30lbs. Now, after eating healthfully and exercising regularly, I'd lost 10lbs, and now I cant exercise, so I'm being more strict on my diet but I don't allow myself to go below 1000 cals a day... and i'm still on track to healthfully losing the weight i gained without falling back into the depressive cycle of an ED.
wow, this is a long entry, but i have so much more to write about myself. a little at a time, i guess...
Well, at work now, gotta run and do something productive....