(no subject)
you want someone to fight for you, make a display of choosing you, to "prove" they keep choosing you with demonstrations of loyalty even though you'll never really trust it
i want to be a child again, i want someone caring and loving and giving to recognize i'm a deficient malformed bad person and say "that's okay i'm capable enough for the both of us" and assume me "you don't have to prove yourself to the world i already know you're weak and defective" and "you can take up space and inconvenience me i am so strong and capable you're a lightweight because i dealt with things way less taxing than you"
someone with a pathological need to be useful and caretake in exchange for being wanted
i've gotten really good at not getting things i want so much i don't know how to receive anymore or deal with the inevitable and guaranteed rejection because only feminine pretty clean girls get to be baby and i'm fat square greasy blob with ugly boobs
but i could give you that if i wasn't me and if you weren't you and if you ever even wanted me in the first place which you didn't you were just bored and avoidant
i feel like i'm just delaying the inevitable of when i have to ghost you because you're not letting me slow fade and i can't resist when you ask me to hang out. but eventually you'll finally see the light and marry your gf and get your happily ever after and i'll have to become a ghost like i always do (i keep myself as a peripherical side character in the lives of real people so it'll be really easy when i die or disappear)
i'm not afraid of dying itself i'm afraid of it being drawn out and painful and making a mess and having my organs fail and my breath smell like death like when my dog was dying and struggling to crawl into my room. (nobody is going to scream at someone for not grieving properly when i die)
i'm trying hard not to resent you for not standing in the place of the one who is really meant for me but not being able to be him but still holding on to the position when you're not him. why can't you just step up or step aside. why am i not good enough to step up for just good enough to sort of cling on halfheartedly but not really invest in. plus you agreed that i'm an inconvenience so why don't you just leave instead of waiting for me to get fed up. (so then you can keep the narrative that you're the one that gets abandoned)