i'll get caught up on these
Journal Prompt 1 Write out examples throughout your life where you might have been in limerence. You might recall these as crushes, but might they have been more than that? *What drew you to the person in the context of your family or caregivers?
Johnathan. Steve? Tanith? Joshua? Ed. Ian. But Martin always. Maybe it's more than that with him idk. Half of them said they liked me first so i took it as a sign they could save me. But nobody is. Someone who wanted me and i wanted to belong to because they wanted me so much. The other half were just so different from their surroundings. Like an angel. A savior.
Journal Prompt 2 Walk yourself through the fantasy or limerence preoccupation. If you're currently in something like this, what do you actually want as an experience with the person?
To be recognized as special. Wantable. Treasured. Cherished or no other reason than me existing doing what i already do. Because that would somehow prove i'm objectively wantable/good. Instead of objectively disgusting/bad.
Journal Prompt 3 Going on what came up in Journal Prompt 2, can you define or name pieces that are rooted in healthy attachment for a child? Think infancy, toddlerhood, and grammar school.
Security, being wanted, trusting the "being wanted" is real/won't go away on a whim or if i don't act "right"/perform "correct" actions, having an opinion/being safe enough to express an opinion, trusting good times will be lasting/won't change on a whim/based on their mood swings
Journal Prompt 4 Related to your responses in Journal Prompt 3, write about any of those elements being missing with your parents in childhood. I know this may be hard, as some relationships are so broken or horrific, but every child needs to be attached to someone who matters to them and vice versa. *Write about why they were missing in terms of parental accountability.
With her my "goodness" hinged entirely on her wild mood swings. I could be the most obedient model child, or her best friend, or the literal worst child, or a smelly disgusting trash, all depending on what mood she was in. And it was unpredictable and could change within a second multiple times a day. Even though i did my best to mitigate it by having no personality or opinions or making any waves.
Dialoguing Exercise (see you're reparenting the inner child e-course) Have a long dialogue with your inner child about the issue of limerence if it resonates with the problem. The following questions and ideas can be helpful for your dialogue.
*Ask them if they remember wanting to be rescued by adults as a child.
*Talk to them about how kids find themselves in limerence if they are not cared for fully (educate them on parental accountability and validate)
*To build your relationship with your inner child, what does your inner child need from the adult you (inner adult) in the examples from journal prompt 3?
I wanted more than to be rescued by an adult. I wanted to be whisked away into a different reality entirely. That's why i had such magical thinking about fantasy worlds late into childhood. I really really wanted to be spirited away into anywhere else.
You were looking for some other source of being reliable and predictably and guaranteedly wanted. And you thought those random men could give it to you because they showed signs of wanting at first (without you having to tried to please them first) or because they seemed like savior types. But nobody is saving you. Nobody is going to prove you are objectively wantable/worthy of being consistently wanted in a special way. You just have to live with that ambiguity of not knowing. Realistically anyone's affection may be withdrawn any time for any reason. Reasons that may or may not even have to do with you. You have to live with the uncomfortable fact that you won't get to fulfill that "need" to be reliably and predictably and guaranteedly wanted because that's not a real thing for adults. It SHOULD be a real thing for children because that's what developing brains need, but it's not even real for children. So you (and many others) will have to live half-developed, lacking, with a gaping bleeding ugly wound where your sense of security should be. And that's very unfortunate but it's what is real.
It needs me to acknowledge it's broken and not developed correctly and that many other people are in the same boat. And that it's tragic. It needs me to mourn the normal happy child it could have been. I don't know how that child might have turned out. Maybe happy, self-actualized, with happy relationships that are cutesy and stable. I don't know because that person was never born.
Journal Prompt 1: How did your parents shame you directly? Can you think of three or four instances of being unfairly criticized, teased, put on the spot, made an example of, set up, forgotten about, or let down?
She constantly talked about me negatively as if i wasn't even there. She would openly make comments about how fat or shy or inept i was so she could seem demure and humble. That's how chinese people express how humble they are. She openly lied about me in order to fit whatever story she was telling about how smelly/ugly/stupid i was. Or she would directly scream it at me that i was fat/ugly/smell/stupid. Those were her repeated phrases. "The older you get the more insulant and stupid you become." "You're ugly and smelly and nobody will ever want you." "You're stupid for having that aspiration or choosing that thing." "Who could ever want to marry you when you look like that?" etc.
Journal Prompt 2: Can you rewrite the truth about each instance? Think of this if you were the parent to yourself. For example, “It’s normal for kids to be afraid of the dark, but mom made it personal like we were weak or a baby.”
The truth was i was just an average kid. Not especially worse or better than any other kid. Good grades, kinda fat, not athletic at all. Creative, shy, pretty good at puzzle solving and thinking outside the box. Despite how desperately she wanted me to be special and gifted and better than everyone else to feed her ego of being Best Mom. Or how convenient of a scapegoat object i was to make her be perceived as Most Humble Mom. I was just a kid and should have been allowed to just exist and do kid things, like all kids should.
Journal Prompt 3: What did your parent (s) benefit from shaming you, which is a form of gaslighting. Think in terms of compliance. Abusive parents use shame to get their children to be more compliant so they are not burdened by actual parenting. i.e., Shaming a scared child about the dark isn’t helping them become strong - it’s more about getting the child to keep emotions to themselves so the parent isn’t bothered. Shaming a child about their truth-telling is confronting a toxic parent.
She probably got a sense of power and control out of it. Forming a narrative (lie) that paints her in the best light. She probably felt powerful when she screamed at me. I don't think she ever liked me so she said those things to insult me and feel superior. Because maybe she innately felt inferior and had to constantly prove she wasn't which included putting people in their place (aka lessor than her because she is most definitely NOT inferior!)
Journal Prompt 4: In what ways do you struggle with the effects of direct shame in your present?
● Do you not start things for fear of feedback or failure? - Yes because if it's not going to "be impressive" why bother doing it. I can't just do things for the joy of doing it because i have to be the greatest at doing the thing.
● Does feedback dysregulate you? - Yes because if i was "good" i would already be perfect at everything. Otherwise it means i am "bad."
● Do you spend emotional time and energy ensuring nothing goes wrong, or people can’t point things out to you? - Yes because i don't like surprises. I'm good at ensuring what must be ensured, and leaving room for improvisation and flexible plans. I have a window of tolerance for surprises that is smaller than most people and i've figured out how to work within that in a way where things go smoothly but i am not rigid.
● Do you easily give up on telling your truth to others? - Yes because i don't like to repeat myself. If someone doesn't believe me the first time then i'm not going to do more labor to make sure they understand me. If they were so curious about it/if it was important they would ask. I don't go out of my way to lie though.
Journal Prompt 1: Did your parent(s) not live up to their full potential? Were they: Embarrassing, grandiose, shallow, cold, indifferent, unkempt, too kempt, addicted, awkward, fragile, or duplicitous? Toxic families find ways to be in the world that seems off - even having it together to the utmost degree where things look good on paper applies. Did the family struggle with poverty but couldn’t get out of their way about poverty? (if the opportunity was available)
They were embarrassing in that they didn't conform to culture standards. They acted weirdly with customer service people and made them feel awkward. My mother would put up a fake persona around new people in order to be charming and i thought it was obviously a fake sugary sweet persona so it was anxiety inducing to watch people fall for it. She would walk off jobs and discard friends working herself into a ragefit if she perceived some slight. She was especially weird and sugary sweet around babies/toddlers but i guess that was alright because she's female and it's socially acceptable for them to have baby fever.
Journal Prompt 2: What qualities did you want your parents to exhibit or embrace i.e., kinder, more thoughtful, more aware, and more focused on the right things.
I wanted them to be aware of social conventions and cultural norms. They did get better the longer the lived in the US about cultural norms but she never treated service industry people any better.
Journal Prompt 3: What messages did you receive as a child about the abusive parent being self-consumed, such as with a narcissistic or addicted parent?
She didn't conceptualize all humans as the same level. There were different levels. Some are superior and some are inferior. It's important to "prove" your superiority at other's expense.
Journal Prompt 4: In what ways in your present do you get triggered by indirect shame? i.e., If you had an immature parent, do you get triggered around if you make a mistake or make sure you never seem selfish or entitled.
I have an intense hatred for people who think like that and/or try to hard to "prove" themselves as the superiors. I used to go out of my way to not be like her to a point where i was a complete doormat. I still get triggered when people make hurtful jokes or "funny" declarations about me that might make me "bad" like today when my coworker said i don't do anything.