That's about enough of that

[zenboiuke]

I love people, I do. I especially love my friends and hate to see them unhappy. But if you make choices that keep you mired in problems, when you have opportunities available to fix your life, then I have no sympathy for you. Sorry, there are just too many people out there who really need help and WANT it--people who are stuck in situations that

Comments

[duathir]

Greetings, Kieran - it is long since I have seen a post of yours; I hope you and your Kin are well.

In part I agree with your words here, but not in all. It is reasonable to say that you will not listen to the complaints of those who reject your advice, for that you are under no obligation to pretend sympathy where you feel it is undeserved. However, I think it not reasonable to expect thanks for unrequested advice.

There are those with whom I wish to converse, but when I attempt to do so, the conversation is turned to questions about the state of my being. This topic I am not eager to discuss, yet friendship requires an answer, upon which more questions follow, and subsequently criticism in the form of advice. I do not ask for either criticism or advice, nor volunteer the information that engenders it, and I find it neither helpful nor consoling. Often I am accused of preferring to remain miserable because I do not welcome this unasked personal criticism, which seems to me more an act of aggression than of compassion.

To this there is no courteous response but to withdraw from the conversation, and this I do. However, I do not think I am obliged to offer thanks after such exchanges. Is it incorrect to speak of one's troubles to one's friends when they ask, unless one either has a solution or is willing to accept with gratitude whatever solution they may proffer? If this is so, and if it is also incorrect to decline to answer when asked, then friendship and conversation become mutually exclusive.

I understand that your post was in no way addressed at me, for that we have had no interaction for many months, and I apologize for my remarks here if they are inappropriate. Yet it seems from your words that the person to whom they are addressed has your friendship no longer, but rather your resentment and contempt - is this not so? Therefore, for what reason do you maintain the semblance of friendship? Or is this post intended as a statement that the friendship is over?

Forgive me; surely it is no business of mine, and yet the situation appears similar enough to my own that perhaps your explanations might shed light on a matter that has long troubled me. Thank you; may you be well.

[zenboiuke]

Thank you for your honest words Kir. Of course they're not inappropriate :)

I don't expect people to take my advice and I try not to offer advice when it is not asked for, but I take issue with people who are professional complainers. They are dissatisfied & miserable with so many aspects of their life, but they make little to no effort to take action that would remove them from these unhealthy & unpleasant situations. They self-perpetuate their own misery to a large degree.

When people seek me out and discuss their problems, I listen and then counsel if it feels appropriate to do so. Often the words don't come from me but through me. Whether the person then takes the recommended action is their decision. Sometimes I extend offers of assistance, which they are also under no obligation to accept. The people with whom I am frustrated are the ones who turn to me with their complaints of "I don't know what to do to fix it." and, when suggestions are made, they ignore them and continue to complain as if their concerns were never addressed. It is almost as if by acknowledging the possible solutions, they will be required to accept responsibility for their lives, but they are unwilling to do so. I can understand if they are not ready to act --such changes can be daunting. But, it is simple courtesy to respond with a "No thank you, please don't offer again." especially if that person came to me to discuss their problems. I don't hunt people down & badger them.

I still care for these people, and still consider them friends. I have not turned my back on them in any way. If they need me they can still reach out and I will do what I can, even if all that is is to listen. But I cannot fix their problems. They need to do that themselves. I can support & encourage them, but it is they who must take action, and if the only action they are willing to take is to continue to complain, then I shall politely withdraw from interaction that consists solely of self sabotage on their part.

[zenboiuke]

There is a difference between venting or explaining troubles to someone, and asking for feedback ABOUT those troubles. We might both benefit from doing our best to differentiate in these circumstances. Before providing suggestions I should first confirm if people want help or if they just want to vent. Perhaps when someone asks you for information about yourself/life situation/state of being, etc, you could preface your reply with a clarification that you're providing the information because they asked, and that you are not necessarily seeking advice or validation.

I'm sorry that you've encountered such judgemental people. It seems that many people have difficulty comprehending situations that they themselves have not experienced.

I hope that you are able to illuminate whatever mysteries have troubled you. If there is anything I can do to help, please let me know :)