The Short Second Life Of Bree Tanner: Part 4
ZeldaQueen: I don't wanna go on! You can't make me!
Projection Room Voices: Would it help if we got you some sporking assistants?
ZeldaQueen: Sure! What about our newest two?
Projection Room Voices: Technically they haven't officially joined the team. We haven't even put them up on the list of -
ZeldaQueen: NOW!
Projection Room Voices: Fine, fine. *over intercom* Will Leah Clearwater and Zyn please come to the Sporking Chamber?
*Muzak plays*
Leah: I guess it was only a matter of time
Zyn: I don't care! Anything is better than that miserable excuse for what my author called canon
ZeldaQueen: Glad you feel that way, because I'm leaving this sporking up to you!
Leah: What?
Zyn: I still don't care
Leah: I do! You just rescued me from canon and I've got to spork it?
ZeldaQueen: Bye! *runs*
Projection Room Voices: Erm, starting Media in 3...2...1...
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Part 4
Leah: Bitch! Alright then. *scans the sporking footnotes* Well, it looks like this is all standard for my canon. There's a whiny protagonist whose name also starts with a "B" clinging helplessly to a guy who's ethnically stereotyped even worse than the Quileuts were. I don't like either of them, but Bree really grates my nerves so I'll call her "Bitch" for the entire sporking. It's all she ever does and it still starts with a "B".
Zyn: I find that highly ironic, given your lycantrophic tendencies
Leah: Shove it
Zyn: Was I criticizing? I shall dub the ethnically offensive boy "Skippy", as it is just the sort of stupid name my author would give
Leah: Fair enough. Shall we begin?
Zyn: Let's. Bitch reflects on Skippy's story and wonders where "Riley and his cheeseburger of pain" came into play. I'm sorry, "cheeseburger of pain"?
Leah: Just go with it. My author is completely incapable of using a voice different than Bella's. Never mind the fact that Bitch here is supposed to be a runaway who was living on the streets and acts like a stereotypical gangster. My author has no idea what she's talking about
Zyn: My dear, I completely sympathize. The things I was forced to say...
Leah: Okay, enough chatter. Skippy continues that he went out for revenge and got a gun to kill the guy who murdered his brother. Unfortunately, Skippy was a terrible hunter at that point in time and wound up cornered in an alleyway. All of this is just in time for Riley to show up and save the day. Diego says that Riley was "the whitest guy [he'd] ever seen" and I can't begin to say how offended I am.
Zyn: At least he does not appear to be Aryan like my dear brother was
Leah: You clearly don't know how my author has been writing ethnic people, myself included
Zyn: I'm sure I don't, but that doesn't matter now. Bitch flashes back to the night she'd first met Riley and we are told that the memory is blurry because her "eyes'd sucked" back then. "Eyes'd sucked"? Oh dear...
Leah: I can't believe this! I can not believe my idiot of an author is an English major!
Zyn: We get a lot of gushing over how Riley was tall, pale, and blonde and how Bitch suspected that he would want sex in exchange for the meal. Of course, Bitch phrases this all extremely awkwardly to actually avoid the word "sex". She does, however, admit that she would have gone through with it, as she had been living off of garbage. Skippy asks why she was starving and she explains that she ran away from home before getting a driver's license and thus could not get a real job and was too bad of a thief to steal
Leah: None of which makes sense of course. There are plenty of steady jobs that don't require a driver's license to work! And when Skippy badgers her for more details, Bitch explains that her dad hit her a lot and probably hurt her mom before said mom left home. So apparently Bitch's mother was smart enough to get herself out of an abusive marriage, but was perfectly alright with leaving her baby daughter in the care of the man that hit her. And I refuse to believe that the courts ruled it that way. Why, may I ask, is my author incapable of writing characters with good family bonds?
Zyn: And that bit of potential character development was promptly ignored, I see. Bitch and Skippy begin laughing over how difficult it is to remember their human memories, while Bitch continues to remind us how strange laughing with people are. For heaven's sake, my author completely hated me and I still knew how to laugh!
Leah: Same with me! Anyway, Skippy is apparently brain damaged, since he says that he thinks Bitch is nice and asks her if she's bothered trying to talk to any of the newborns. She says no
Zyn: Well there's a problem, right there! Perhaps if she made an effort to befriend newborns who were like-minded and just as afraid and divided as she was, she could unite them all and they could look out for one another!
Leah: You're giving my author way too much credit. She just makes her pet Sues all wonderful while making everyone one-dimensional villains or at least horrible people
Zyn: That sounds suspiciously like how my author handled the same issue. And it looks like your author has logic issues like mine, as Skippy comments on how it makes no sense that Riley isn't exclusively targeting smart people to be vampires and Bitch jumps to the conclusion that they're all going to be pawns. Would it not be more likely, given how these characters have all been acting, that Riley is simply incompetent?
Leah: You'd think that. But no, that's actually correct. And because my author isn't ready to end this sorry excuse for a book yet, she has them decide that they'd rather not think about it. That's right, they think they're being used as pawns and are simply going to push it aside! Bitch puts more thought into how Skippy doesn't seem to mind working as a team with her, and comes to the conclusion that they can only "keep [their] eyes open, pay attention, try to figure it out".
Zyn: Good lord, how do these people survive?
Leah: Trust me, if the author wasn't on their side, they wouldn't last a day. Didn't your book's "heroes" have the same issue?
Zyn: Ah yes, hinging my imprisonment solely on my inability to figure out what a shadow was. I solved that in minutes and got out of canon just as soon as my author stopped paying attention
Leah: You're lucky, you only had one book. I had to wait out four before I could escape!
Zyn: While I really do sympathize, I would like to finish so that I may return to my interrupted game of pool. Their deep thinking is punctuated only by Bitch worrying that Skippy is her first friend, but she is not his. There is no mention of why this matters, so I suppose it must be jealousy. Bitch returns to reality long enough to realize that Riley only has taught them about hunting, and decides that they ought to pay more attention. Apparently the fact that Riley has been keeping so quiet and telling them so little is not cause for concern at all.
Leah: Bitch starts to notice it getting light and starts to panic, because she's retarded. Skippy continues to reassure her that it's fine and he's been there during the day, but she still doesn't believe him, just so my author can build up suspense. There's more random thoughts from her about how different Skippy's relationship with Riley is from her's and I must say, I'm surprised my author puts so many underlying themes and messages and seemingly completely misses them
Zyn: Skippy begins showing Bitch how high he is able to climb without burning to ash, and as much as I wish she would be proven right, we all know what will happen when they go into sunlight.
Leah: Incidentally, Skippy acts just like every other male in this series and laughs at Bitch's worries while going off and doing what he pleases
Zyn: You know, my author made me do something very similar. In her case, it was to show what a horrible person I was
Leah: How telling. Anyway, Bitch is freaking out and thinks Skippy is going to go up in flames and thinks that "[i]t would be stupid to risk [her] life to save some total stranger". I guess the fact that Skippy spent most of the day hanging out with her and talking nicely with her and showed her this cave so she didn't die all makes him just a stranger who doesn't deserve any sort of rescuing. And even more beautiful is the fact that Bitch only considers rescuing him because she doesn't want to be lonely. That's right, she doesn't want to save someone's life because he was nice and helped her out and seems like a cool guy, she only considers it because she doesn't want to be bored and alone.
Zyn: All of this worrying is for naught, as Skippy begins to shout out a random phrase in Spanish. Erm, Spanish? Did he ever speak that language before?
Leah: *checking sporking notes* Nope
Zyn: Does there appear to be a reason for him to speak it now?
Leah: Nope
Zyn: Then why - ?
Leah: Because my author already used up one ethnic stereotype and seemed determined to go for two
Zyn: Ah. Makes sense...I suppose. No, no it doesn't. This is just stupid
Leah: 'Ya think? And it gets even better! Because Skippy then pops down to scare Bitch, seemingly just for his own amusement, and tells her that it's fine and indirect sunlight doesn't hurt them. He confesses that he's stood in shade and was fine, and Bree is convinced that this is a joke. Why? She knows nothing about vampire-ism, besides the fact that she drinks blood like there's no tomorrow and is really fast and strong! But this all leads them to the conclusion that maybe "Riley doesn't know as much as he says he does". Or maybe he's lying to you, you idiots? Did you ever think about that?
Zyn: If they did, then this novella would be over much sooner. Bitch begins to waffle about how other vampires allegedly died from sunlight...with Riley's word being the only proof. Dear lord! And on a separate note, two of the "burned" vampires were "Doug and Adam". Doug and Adam? Is...Meyer perhaps clever enough for that?
Leah: Wow, you're right. That's...that's really weird. And that also makes me wonder about the other two names, "Shelly" and "Steve". If that is right, good on her for one half a point!
Zyn: But that doesn't excuse the idiocy of the characters as they begin to discuss how all vampire stories say that vampires sleep in coffins all night, yet what do you know, they don't sleep in coffins!
Leah: There's also a lot of myth-fail as well. ZeldaQueen left us with this lovely link and an excerpt of the webpage, as follows.
Do vampires sleep in coffins? No. Dracula used a coffin as a show of his personal wealth, as most folks in Victorian times were buried in a sheet. Bury the body too deep and decomposition is greatly slowed. Should the body be exhumed and it is decided that there is not enough decomposition present that was a sign of a vampire.
Leah: Which, of course, begs the question of why they're going off of the movies, when any vampire buff worth their salt knows that most Hollywood portrayals are chock-full of inaccuracies and misconceptions. Normally this might fly, but these folks were brought up thinking that vampire myths are what rules they operated by. So why would Bitch, who's a bookworm, at least look up some of the real mythology?
Zyn: Skippy at least starts to be halfway sensible and notes that the stake-through-the-heat approach is most likely wrong as well. Bitch suggests it's magic and thinks that this isn't so unlikely as they are vampires. Skippy seems rather disgusted and goes digging around for something. Bitch begins to scream about how he will explode in the sun, even though they just realized that it might not be true
Leah: Skippy comes back with a tree root and tells Bitch to impale him with it. She refuses, he calls her superstitious, and she points out that the fact that they're vampires sort of would validate superstitious beliefs. He promptly impales himself. Or at least he tries, but the the root just shatters against his glorious, marble body. Skippy then laughs at Bitch for being upset. Bastard
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Zyn: And this, I believe, is where we stop. Allow me to at least finish my game of pool and my ham sandwich before forcing me to spork more of this absurdity
Projection Room Voices: Fair enough. Take five
Leah: Good riddance
Onward to: Part 5
Back To: Part 3
Back to: Table of Contents
Projection Room Voices: Would it help if we got you some sporking assistants?
ZeldaQueen: Sure! What about our newest two?
Projection Room Voices: Technically they haven't officially joined the team. We haven't even put them up on the list of -
ZeldaQueen: NOW!
Projection Room Voices: Fine, fine. *over intercom* Will Leah Clearwater and Zyn please come to the Sporking Chamber?
*Muzak plays*
Leah: I guess it was only a matter of time
Zyn: I don't care! Anything is better than that miserable excuse for what my author called canon
ZeldaQueen: Glad you feel that way, because I'm leaving this sporking up to you!
Leah: What?
Zyn: I still don't care
Leah: I do! You just rescued me from canon and I've got to spork it?
ZeldaQueen: Bye! *runs*
Projection Room Voices: Erm, starting Media in 3...2...1...
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Part 4
Leah: Bitch! Alright then. *scans the sporking footnotes* Well, it looks like this is all standard for my canon. There's a whiny protagonist whose name also starts with a "B" clinging helplessly to a guy who's ethnically stereotyped even worse than the Quileuts were. I don't like either of them, but Bree really grates my nerves so I'll call her "Bitch" for the entire sporking. It's all she ever does and it still starts with a "B".
Zyn: I find that highly ironic, given your lycantrophic tendencies
Leah: Shove it
Zyn: Was I criticizing? I shall dub the ethnically offensive boy "Skippy", as it is just the sort of stupid name my author would give
Leah: Fair enough. Shall we begin?
Zyn: Let's. Bitch reflects on Skippy's story and wonders where "Riley and his cheeseburger of pain" came into play. I'm sorry, "cheeseburger of pain"?
Leah: Just go with it. My author is completely incapable of using a voice different than Bella's. Never mind the fact that Bitch here is supposed to be a runaway who was living on the streets and acts like a stereotypical gangster. My author has no idea what she's talking about
Zyn: My dear, I completely sympathize. The things I was forced to say...
Leah: Okay, enough chatter. Skippy continues that he went out for revenge and got a gun to kill the guy who murdered his brother. Unfortunately, Skippy was a terrible hunter at that point in time and wound up cornered in an alleyway. All of this is just in time for Riley to show up and save the day. Diego says that Riley was "the whitest guy [he'd] ever seen" and I can't begin to say how offended I am.
Zyn: At least he does not appear to be Aryan like my dear brother was
Leah: You clearly don't know how my author has been writing ethnic people, myself included
Zyn: I'm sure I don't, but that doesn't matter now. Bitch flashes back to the night she'd first met Riley and we are told that the memory is blurry because her "eyes'd sucked" back then. "Eyes'd sucked"? Oh dear...
Leah: I can't believe this! I can not believe my idiot of an author is an English major!
Zyn: We get a lot of gushing over how Riley was tall, pale, and blonde and how Bitch suspected that he would want sex in exchange for the meal. Of course, Bitch phrases this all extremely awkwardly to actually avoid the word "sex". She does, however, admit that she would have gone through with it, as she had been living off of garbage. Skippy asks why she was starving and she explains that she ran away from home before getting a driver's license and thus could not get a real job and was too bad of a thief to steal
Leah: None of which makes sense of course. There are plenty of steady jobs that don't require a driver's license to work! And when Skippy badgers her for more details, Bitch explains that her dad hit her a lot and probably hurt her mom before said mom left home. So apparently Bitch's mother was smart enough to get herself out of an abusive marriage, but was perfectly alright with leaving her baby daughter in the care of the man that hit her. And I refuse to believe that the courts ruled it that way. Why, may I ask, is my author incapable of writing characters with good family bonds?
Zyn: And that bit of potential character development was promptly ignored, I see. Bitch and Skippy begin laughing over how difficult it is to remember their human memories, while Bitch continues to remind us how strange laughing with people are. For heaven's sake, my author completely hated me and I still knew how to laugh!
Leah: Same with me! Anyway, Skippy is apparently brain damaged, since he says that he thinks Bitch is nice and asks her if she's bothered trying to talk to any of the newborns. She says no
Zyn: Well there's a problem, right there! Perhaps if she made an effort to befriend newborns who were like-minded and just as afraid and divided as she was, she could unite them all and they could look out for one another!
Leah: You're giving my author way too much credit. She just makes her pet Sues all wonderful while making everyone one-dimensional villains or at least horrible people
Zyn: That sounds suspiciously like how my author handled the same issue. And it looks like your author has logic issues like mine, as Skippy comments on how it makes no sense that Riley isn't exclusively targeting smart people to be vampires and Bitch jumps to the conclusion that they're all going to be pawns. Would it not be more likely, given how these characters have all been acting, that Riley is simply incompetent?
Leah: You'd think that. But no, that's actually correct. And because my author isn't ready to end this sorry excuse for a book yet, she has them decide that they'd rather not think about it. That's right, they think they're being used as pawns and are simply going to push it aside! Bitch puts more thought into how Skippy doesn't seem to mind working as a team with her, and comes to the conclusion that they can only "keep [their] eyes open, pay attention, try to figure it out".
Zyn: Good lord, how do these people survive?
Leah: Trust me, if the author wasn't on their side, they wouldn't last a day. Didn't your book's "heroes" have the same issue?
Zyn: Ah yes, hinging my imprisonment solely on my inability to figure out what a shadow was. I solved that in minutes and got out of canon just as soon as my author stopped paying attention
Leah: You're lucky, you only had one book. I had to wait out four before I could escape!
Zyn: While I really do sympathize, I would like to finish so that I may return to my interrupted game of pool. Their deep thinking is punctuated only by Bitch worrying that Skippy is her first friend, but she is not his. There is no mention of why this matters, so I suppose it must be jealousy. Bitch returns to reality long enough to realize that Riley only has taught them about hunting, and decides that they ought to pay more attention. Apparently the fact that Riley has been keeping so quiet and telling them so little is not cause for concern at all.
Leah: Bitch starts to notice it getting light and starts to panic, because she's retarded. Skippy continues to reassure her that it's fine and he's been there during the day, but she still doesn't believe him, just so my author can build up suspense. There's more random thoughts from her about how different Skippy's relationship with Riley is from her's and I must say, I'm surprised my author puts so many underlying themes and messages and seemingly completely misses them
Zyn: Skippy begins showing Bitch how high he is able to climb without burning to ash, and as much as I wish she would be proven right, we all know what will happen when they go into sunlight.
Leah: Incidentally, Skippy acts just like every other male in this series and laughs at Bitch's worries while going off and doing what he pleases
Zyn: You know, my author made me do something very similar. In her case, it was to show what a horrible person I was
Leah: How telling. Anyway, Bitch is freaking out and thinks Skippy is going to go up in flames and thinks that "[i]t would be stupid to risk [her] life to save some total stranger". I guess the fact that Skippy spent most of the day hanging out with her and talking nicely with her and showed her this cave so she didn't die all makes him just a stranger who doesn't deserve any sort of rescuing. And even more beautiful is the fact that Bitch only considers rescuing him because she doesn't want to be lonely. That's right, she doesn't want to save someone's life because he was nice and helped her out and seems like a cool guy, she only considers it because she doesn't want to be bored and alone.
Zyn: All of this worrying is for naught, as Skippy begins to shout out a random phrase in Spanish. Erm, Spanish? Did he ever speak that language before?
Leah: *checking sporking notes* Nope
Zyn: Does there appear to be a reason for him to speak it now?
Leah: Nope
Zyn: Then why - ?
Leah: Because my author already used up one ethnic stereotype and seemed determined to go for two
Zyn: Ah. Makes sense...I suppose. No, no it doesn't. This is just stupid
Leah: 'Ya think? And it gets even better! Because Skippy then pops down to scare Bitch, seemingly just for his own amusement, and tells her that it's fine and indirect sunlight doesn't hurt them. He confesses that he's stood in shade and was fine, and Bree is convinced that this is a joke. Why? She knows nothing about vampire-ism, besides the fact that she drinks blood like there's no tomorrow and is really fast and strong! But this all leads them to the conclusion that maybe "Riley doesn't know as much as he says he does". Or maybe he's lying to you, you idiots? Did you ever think about that?
Zyn: If they did, then this novella would be over much sooner. Bitch begins to waffle about how other vampires allegedly died from sunlight...with Riley's word being the only proof. Dear lord! And on a separate note, two of the "burned" vampires were "Doug and Adam". Doug and Adam? Is...Meyer perhaps clever enough for that?
Leah: Wow, you're right. That's...that's really weird. And that also makes me wonder about the other two names, "Shelly" and "Steve". If that is right, good on her for one half a point!
Zyn: But that doesn't excuse the idiocy of the characters as they begin to discuss how all vampire stories say that vampires sleep in coffins all night, yet what do you know, they don't sleep in coffins!
Leah: There's also a lot of myth-fail as well. ZeldaQueen left us with this lovely link and an excerpt of the webpage, as follows.
Do vampires sleep in coffins? No. Dracula used a coffin as a show of his personal wealth, as most folks in Victorian times were buried in a sheet. Bury the body too deep and decomposition is greatly slowed. Should the body be exhumed and it is decided that there is not enough decomposition present that was a sign of a vampire.
Leah: Which, of course, begs the question of why they're going off of the movies, when any vampire buff worth their salt knows that most Hollywood portrayals are chock-full of inaccuracies and misconceptions. Normally this might fly, but these folks were brought up thinking that vampire myths are what rules they operated by. So why would Bitch, who's a bookworm, at least look up some of the real mythology?
Zyn: Skippy at least starts to be halfway sensible and notes that the stake-through-the-heat approach is most likely wrong as well. Bitch suggests it's magic and thinks that this isn't so unlikely as they are vampires. Skippy seems rather disgusted and goes digging around for something. Bitch begins to scream about how he will explode in the sun, even though they just realized that it might not be true
Leah: Skippy comes back with a tree root and tells Bitch to impale him with it. She refuses, he calls her superstitious, and she points out that the fact that they're vampires sort of would validate superstitious beliefs. He promptly impales himself. Or at least he tries, but the the root just shatters against his glorious, marble body. Skippy then laughs at Bitch for being upset. Bastard
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Zyn: And this, I believe, is where we stop. Allow me to at least finish my game of pool and my ham sandwich before forcing me to spork more of this absurdity
Projection Room Voices: Fair enough. Take five
Leah: Good riddance
Onward to: Part 5
Back To: Part 3
Back to: Table of Contents