The Legend Of Rah And The Muggles: Chapter Fifteen - The Lantern Lights
ZeldaQueen: This is it, dear viewers. This is it. The last chapter of The Legend of Rah and the Muggles. And dear God, did Stouffer ever manage to squeeze some idiocy in there! Well, no time like the present. Let us conclude the actual story, before moving on to the extras.
Projection Room Voices: Starting Media in 3...2...1...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chapter Fifteen: The Lantern Lights
The Muggles sail towards the island of Dezra and we’re told that a “warlike” scene broke out. Specifically, Yur shouts out “Ready! Aim! Fireflies!” and the catapults launch the lanterns of fireflies on the island as the birds drop more lanterns, causing the island to light up. The Nevils and Zyn, who were all asleep on the ground, wake up and see a huge bunch of "Shadow Monsters" coming their way and freak the heck out. The Muggles take advantage of the confusion and rush into the cave to find Rah. Truly, this is right up there with the Normandy Beach Invasion.
Oh, and apparently Seymour scouted enough of the island and had enough time to help Golda prepare a map for the Muggles. And yet he didn't notice what terrible living conditions Zyn and the Nevils were in. Interesting.
They find Rah, still unconscious, and put him on a stretcher. Wait, what? They had time to make a stretcher and carry it along? And the horrible, evil Zyn and his Nevils didn't notice any of this? Didn't make the connection "Oh hey, the Muggles seem weirdly unafraid of the Shadow Monsters, what's up with that?" I just...I give up. This makes no sense! None! And look! They all carry Rah back to the boat! And he's asleep the entire time! The guy who's supposed to be our hero, and what has he done? Nothing! He made no effort to help Zyn, no effort to protect the Muggles, and now he never did a single thing to save himself from them.
I hate this guy. I really do.
Yur gets all sappy and tries not to cry when he sees Rah all unconscious. We get some of him stroking Rah's "frail forehead" and hear Yur say "'You are safe now, son...We'll take care of you, just as we have cared for you always!'"
Okay. He is twenty. He is an adult. He ought to be able to take care of himself!
I know I'm probably preaching to the choir here, but for any of the few readers who go "Well other heroes have had to be rescued? So what?", well here's so what. Yes, it's true that most heroes have had to be rescued at least once. Harry Potter, Lyra, the Pevensie children, Frodo and Bilbo Baggins, they've all found themselves in tight spots and been unable to save themselves and relied on others for help and protection. Let's face it, a hero who never needs help is just boring and invincible and who wants to read about that? So in and of itself, Rah needing to be saved? No biggie.
But here is the issue - all of the heroes that I mentioned before? They all did stuff! They fought bad guys, defended their friends, reached out to people, and were active. While they didn't always succeed, they still tried. But Rah has done nothing. Like I said above, he has done nothing but wangst about Zyn and done nothing else. He didn't chase away the Nevils, he didn't stop Zyn from abusing the Muggles, he didn't try to help his brother, he didn't do anything. And yet no one calls him out on this! Instead, we get them all acting like it's an unspeakable travesty to want to hurt Rah. Well in that case, call me a villain because I want to kick the idiot in the nuts.
Deep breaths girl. You're almost done. Deeeep...
Anyway, I hope you all hadn't set your hopes to high for a brilliant climax, because that was it. That in-and-out rescue mission? That's all we're getting. Just a couple of pages until the end, and that's only because the font's so large. They all set off home and the cool breeze causes Rah to wake up. Even though he technically was suffering a severe allergic reaction, which would probably mean that he'd need immediate medication before he'd recover. However Stouffer apparently doesn't even know how long people can live without food, so I'm sure allergies are well beyond her.
Rah is dizzy and doesn't know what's going on (as per usual) and tries to sit up and the Muggles tell him off for once, informing him that they're on a boat in the middle of the ocean and that if he sits up, he'll tip them over. Stouffer immediately beats us over the head with how Rah "[o]bediently" stops trying to sit up and instead lays still. He's put up to date about Zyn and the Nevil's evil plans. Yur then explains about the lanterns and how the "Shadow Monsters" will keep them confined to the cave forever. But wait...aren't the lanterns being powered by fireflies? Which are, you know, insects? Which eventually die?
...I think this is a new low of idiocy for Stouffer. She apparently has actually forgotten that living organisms die.
Incidentally, all this talk about fireflies just keeps me thinking about the Whedon TV series, which is infinitely more interesting and has far better heroes. If you haven't yet seen it, watch it.
Ahem, sorry about that, I got distracted. Anywho, so everyone is all happy about this plan which hinges on the rather important factor that the fireflies won't die and will remain lit up forever. Oh, and that Zyn and the Nevils don't eventually just get over their fear of the "Shadow Monsters". Seriously, if they're sufficiently determined, what's to stop them from risking the "Monsters" and going outside anyway, only to find out that the "Shadow Monsters" aren't real?
Also, notice how the Muggles did absolutely nothing before, when Zyn and the Nevils were stealing stuff and terrorizing everybody, and being social drains and whatnot, but when they attack Rah, OH THEY'RE JUST GOING TOO DAMN FAR!!!
...Oh sweet mother - that sound you all hear is my brain dying. This next bit...no, just...no.
"Back on Aura, Rah spent many nights wondering if his brother and the Nevils would starve to death confined in their cavernous prison.
With unwavering compassion, Rah requested that Seymour make daily deliveries of food. They were to be dropped on Dezra from the air. Guided by the light of the lanterns, Seymour faithfully carried out this task every night"
"UNWAVERING COMPASSION"???? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? YES, LIKE HIS UNWAVERING COMPASSION THAT LEAD HIM TO ABANDON HIS BROTHER DURING ZYN'S MOST DESPERATE TIME OF NEED! OR HIS UNWAVERING COMPASSION THAT LEAD HIM TO COMPLETELY IGNORE ZYN FOR SEVEN YEARS, DESPITE KNOWING HE WAS STARVING ON A DESERT ISLAND! OR HIS UNWAVERING COMPASSION THAT LEAD HIM TO DO ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO PROTECT THE MUGGLES FROM THE "DELINQUENTS" TERRORIZING THEM! NOPE, JUST BECAUSE HE'S GOING TO BE HAVING A BUNDLE OF FOOD DROPPED TO A GROUP OF PRISONERS EACH DAY - SOMETHING WHICH IS BASIC DECENCY, HE'S JUST THE MOST COMPASSIONATE, WONDERFUL GUY THAT EVER LIVED! TO QUOTE SOUTHERN GAELIC, "HORSE-FECES, SUETHOR! UTTER COCK AND BULL...WHAT PREPOSTEROUS CLAPTRAP X("
And that doesn't even raise the question of how in the seven hells Zyn even gets the food, if it's dropped on the ground and he's too afraid to go out of the cave.
But you know what? It's over. Stouffer wraps it up by yammering about how the "lanterns of peace" continue to glow to this day (whenever that is) and ends with the non sequitor of "So, every time darkness falls upon the daylight, and you look up and see the stars twinkling in the distance, you will know that Rah is asleep, and all around him is at peace!"
You know, it might be my rare nasty side, brought out by this here story, but all I can think of is how emphasis was placed on Rah sleeping forever...being dead. Yes, there is peace all around when he is dead, wah-ha-ha!
Oh and we get a clearly-not-a-sequel hook in the form of "And so, it has been told by The Ancient Book of Tales in - 'The Year of the Starlight'"
Good riddance.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Onward to: Character Glossary/ Author Information
Back to: Chapter Fourteen: A Winged Investigation
Back to: Table of Contents
Projection Room Voices: Starting Media in 3...2...1...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chapter Fifteen: The Lantern Lights
The Muggles sail towards the island of Dezra and we’re told that a “warlike” scene broke out. Specifically, Yur shouts out “Ready! Aim! Fireflies!” and the catapults launch the lanterns of fireflies on the island as the birds drop more lanterns, causing the island to light up. The Nevils and Zyn, who were all asleep on the ground, wake up and see a huge bunch of "Shadow Monsters" coming their way and freak the heck out. The Muggles take advantage of the confusion and rush into the cave to find Rah. Truly, this is right up there with the Normandy Beach Invasion.
Oh, and apparently Seymour scouted enough of the island and had enough time to help Golda prepare a map for the Muggles. And yet he didn't notice what terrible living conditions Zyn and the Nevils were in. Interesting.
They find Rah, still unconscious, and put him on a stretcher. Wait, what? They had time to make a stretcher and carry it along? And the horrible, evil Zyn and his Nevils didn't notice any of this? Didn't make the connection "Oh hey, the Muggles seem weirdly unafraid of the Shadow Monsters, what's up with that?" I just...I give up. This makes no sense! None! And look! They all carry Rah back to the boat! And he's asleep the entire time! The guy who's supposed to be our hero, and what has he done? Nothing! He made no effort to help Zyn, no effort to protect the Muggles, and now he never did a single thing to save himself from them.
I hate this guy. I really do.
Yur gets all sappy and tries not to cry when he sees Rah all unconscious. We get some of him stroking Rah's "frail forehead" and hear Yur say "'You are safe now, son...We'll take care of you, just as we have cared for you always!'"
Okay. He is twenty. He is an adult. He ought to be able to take care of himself!
I know I'm probably preaching to the choir here, but for any of the few readers who go "Well other heroes have had to be rescued? So what?", well here's so what. Yes, it's true that most heroes have had to be rescued at least once. Harry Potter, Lyra, the Pevensie children, Frodo and Bilbo Baggins, they've all found themselves in tight spots and been unable to save themselves and relied on others for help and protection. Let's face it, a hero who never needs help is just boring and invincible and who wants to read about that? So in and of itself, Rah needing to be saved? No biggie.
But here is the issue - all of the heroes that I mentioned before? They all did stuff! They fought bad guys, defended their friends, reached out to people, and were active. While they didn't always succeed, they still tried. But Rah has done nothing. Like I said above, he has done nothing but wangst about Zyn and done nothing else. He didn't chase away the Nevils, he didn't stop Zyn from abusing the Muggles, he didn't try to help his brother, he didn't do anything. And yet no one calls him out on this! Instead, we get them all acting like it's an unspeakable travesty to want to hurt Rah. Well in that case, call me a villain because I want to kick the idiot in the nuts.
Deep breaths girl. You're almost done. Deeeep...
Anyway, I hope you all hadn't set your hopes to high for a brilliant climax, because that was it. That in-and-out rescue mission? That's all we're getting. Just a couple of pages until the end, and that's only because the font's so large. They all set off home and the cool breeze causes Rah to wake up. Even though he technically was suffering a severe allergic reaction, which would probably mean that he'd need immediate medication before he'd recover. However Stouffer apparently doesn't even know how long people can live without food, so I'm sure allergies are well beyond her.
Rah is dizzy and doesn't know what's going on (as per usual) and tries to sit up and the Muggles tell him off for once, informing him that they're on a boat in the middle of the ocean and that if he sits up, he'll tip them over. Stouffer immediately beats us over the head with how Rah "[o]bediently" stops trying to sit up and instead lays still. He's put up to date about Zyn and the Nevil's evil plans. Yur then explains about the lanterns and how the "Shadow Monsters" will keep them confined to the cave forever. But wait...aren't the lanterns being powered by fireflies? Which are, you know, insects? Which eventually die?
...I think this is a new low of idiocy for Stouffer. She apparently has actually forgotten that living organisms die.
Incidentally, all this talk about fireflies just keeps me thinking about the Whedon TV series, which is infinitely more interesting and has far better heroes. If you haven't yet seen it, watch it.
Ahem, sorry about that, I got distracted. Anywho, so everyone is all happy about this plan which hinges on the rather important factor that the fireflies won't die and will remain lit up forever. Oh, and that Zyn and the Nevils don't eventually just get over their fear of the "Shadow Monsters". Seriously, if they're sufficiently determined, what's to stop them from risking the "Monsters" and going outside anyway, only to find out that the "Shadow Monsters" aren't real?
Also, notice how the Muggles did absolutely nothing before, when Zyn and the Nevils were stealing stuff and terrorizing everybody, and being social drains and whatnot, but when they attack Rah, OH THEY'RE JUST GOING TOO DAMN FAR!!!
...Oh sweet mother - that sound you all hear is my brain dying. This next bit...no, just...no.
"Back on Aura, Rah spent many nights wondering if his brother and the Nevils would starve to death confined in their cavernous prison.
With unwavering compassion, Rah requested that Seymour make daily deliveries of food. They were to be dropped on Dezra from the air. Guided by the light of the lanterns, Seymour faithfully carried out this task every night"
"UNWAVERING COMPASSION"???? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? YES, LIKE HIS UNWAVERING COMPASSION THAT LEAD HIM TO ABANDON HIS BROTHER DURING ZYN'S MOST DESPERATE TIME OF NEED! OR HIS UNWAVERING COMPASSION THAT LEAD HIM TO COMPLETELY IGNORE ZYN FOR SEVEN YEARS, DESPITE KNOWING HE WAS STARVING ON A DESERT ISLAND! OR HIS UNWAVERING COMPASSION THAT LEAD HIM TO DO ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO PROTECT THE MUGGLES FROM THE "DELINQUENTS" TERRORIZING THEM! NOPE, JUST BECAUSE HE'S GOING TO BE HAVING A BUNDLE OF FOOD DROPPED TO A GROUP OF PRISONERS EACH DAY - SOMETHING WHICH IS BASIC DECENCY, HE'S JUST THE MOST COMPASSIONATE, WONDERFUL GUY THAT EVER LIVED! TO QUOTE SOUTHERN GAELIC, "HORSE-FECES, SUETHOR! UTTER COCK AND BULL...WHAT PREPOSTEROUS CLAPTRAP X("
And that doesn't even raise the question of how in the seven hells Zyn even gets the food, if it's dropped on the ground and he's too afraid to go out of the cave.
But you know what? It's over. Stouffer wraps it up by yammering about how the "lanterns of peace" continue to glow to this day (whenever that is) and ends with the non sequitor of "So, every time darkness falls upon the daylight, and you look up and see the stars twinkling in the distance, you will know that Rah is asleep, and all around him is at peace!"
You know, it might be my rare nasty side, brought out by this here story, but all I can think of is how emphasis was placed on Rah sleeping forever...being dead. Yes, there is peace all around when he is dead, wah-ha-ha!
Oh and we get a clearly-not-a-sequel hook in the form of "And so, it has been told by The Ancient Book of Tales in - 'The Year of the Starlight'"
Good riddance.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Onward to: Character Glossary/ Author Information
Back to: Chapter Fourteen: A Winged Investigation
Back to: Table of Contents