My Inner Life: Chapter 3 - Honeymoon (Part 1)
ZeldaQueen: Not much to say for this folks, except that we have an entire chapter with an excuse for the Sue to sex Link up. God save us all.
Projection Room Voices: Starting Media in 3...2...1...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chapter 3: Honeymoon (Part 1)
The Honeymoon
ZeldaQueen: Those words are making me break out in a cold sweat…
After a long ride we reached the Great Coast.
ZeldaQueen: Which is where, exactly? Suethor, if you must make up locations (which I wish you wouldn’t), would it kill you to tell us where they are in relationship to the rest of Hyrule?
The Summer Cabin the King had set up for us was along the ocean.
ZeldaQueen: You had the king of Hyrule set up your love shack? Wonderful! And WHAT ocean? There is no ocean in Hyrule! There’s Lake Hylia, but that’s it!
Link pulled back on the reins and Epona came to a full stop.
ZeldaQueen: Next stop - Steel Plaza!
He helped me down, dismounted himself
ZeldaQueen: … I think Link just reached a sexual milestone there
and took Epona to the stable. After he returned he picked me up into his arms and carried me over the threshold and inside.
ZeldaQueen: FOR CHRIST’S SAKE, CAN’T SHE WALK ANYWHERE? HELLO EDWARD, PUT BELLA DOWN!
Once inside my eyes grew as big as saucers.
ZeldaQueen: Which I dropped on the floor and stomped
The entire place was furnished.
ZeldaQueen: Um…duh? Didn’t you say the king of Hyrule was sparing no expense for everything else? Why would he set up a cottage for your honeymoon and not put furniture in it? He made it pretty clear in the last chapter that he expected some hot monkey lovin’. Or did he think you were going to get funky on the floor?
Candles were lit everywhere and a table with a meal already prepared on it was set for two. Two candles were lit in the center.
ZeldaQueen: Which promptly burned the stupid love shack down, killing the Sue in the process. Link was freed from her spell and ran off to Termina in case she returned
And I wondered who could have made the food.
ZeldaQueen: What about the king, you idiot? YOU ALREADY SAID HE PREPARED THIS PLACE FOR YOU! WOULDN’T YOU ASSUME HE WAS RESPONSIBLE FOR EVERYTHING INSIDE?
Then I remembered that one of the Sages left the reception early. The Sage of Water, Ruto.
ZeldaQueen: Hell no. You are not. I refuse to accept this
I looked around and saw a small letter on the table by the door. I opened it and it was from Ruto. The letter said: "Link was supposed to marry me, but I was blind to his happiness. As I watched him with you I saw how happy he had become. Now I realize what I had done was wrong. I could not hold Link to something he would not be happy with. I hope your life together brings you both the happiness and peace you both desire. When you two have your first born please come and see me." Signed -Ruto the Water Sage.
ZeldaQueen: Link’s Queen, if I ever find you, your butt is toast. How dare you do that to Ruto? Ruto is awesome and has ten times the balls that both Jenna and this wimpy Link doppelganger do. She entered a temple filled with monsters to save her people from deep freezing. She waited for seven years to marry Link. She would not give up so easily! She would claw your Sue’s eyes out in a second. Now stop it right now. I mean it. Stop making every other female character in this game a complete weeping violet just to make your own sappy character look better. Meyer may have made her strong characters bitches, but at least she had some
I closed the letter and held it close. A tear trickled down my cheek as I thought of what Ruto had done for us.
ZeldaQueen: AND YET AGAIN, WE GET A WEEPING ACT FROM THE SUE! “OH, I’M JUST SO HUMBLE, I’M MOVED BY THIS TOTALLY OUT OF CHARACTER AND VOLUNTARY SACRIFICE MADE ON MY BEHALF! OF COURSE I WOULDN’T DREAM OF DOING ANYTHING IN RETURN!”
Link came up behind me and threw his arms around me.
ZeldaQueen: - strangling the life out of her
"What is wrong my love? Are you feeling ok?" Link's skin seemed to glow under the candlelight and his eyes filled with love.
ZeldaQueen: Well, selfless sacrifice is promptly forgotten for mooning over Link’s gorgeous eyes. Of course
I wiped my face and put the letter down. "I...I'm fine. I'll be ok." I said as I softly placed my hand against his cheek and looked into his eyes.
ZeldaQueen: Yes, because no one calls you out on how selfish you are and it’s disgusting! Shut up about the eyes!
"I'm glad to be here with you." I said softly.
ZeldaQueen: (Sue) “Your blood is delicious!”
"As am I" Link's smile widened and he took my hand and led me to the table.
ZeldaQueen: They’re going to go down on the table? Dang!
I sat down and Link pushed in my chair before seating himself.
ZeldaQueen: Oh for - can the Sue do nothing for herself???
As we ate we talked about future plans and having a family.
ZeldaQueen: Why should you discuss it? You have him by the balls and always get your way
But I could tell his mind was not on the food.
ZeldaQueen: Read - the Sue got horny and thus her Love Interest got horny too
I took my foot and slowly, brushed it up against his leg.
ZeldaQueen: Jenna took lessons from porno tapes?
As I rubbed his leg with my foot he squirmed in his chair. Finally he got up and came around behind me.
ZeldaQueen: (Link) *snapping the Sue’s neck* “Enough! I’m not your sex toy!”
And I’m sorry folks, but we’re going to yet another bad sex scene and I can’t spork it. But not to worry, we’ve got Guardians_song here to save the day! Hooray! Take it away, Guardian!
---
He lowered his head down by my neck and I could feel his hot breath against my cheek. I felt his lips move to my neck as he started to passionately kiss me there.
Now, I could guess his lips were down by her neck because his head was, but what do I know? Perhaps Link has prehensile lips...
As he nibbled on my neck I let out soft moans. After a few minuets
Link took me by the hand, lifted me out of the chair and led me to a room where a tub was filled with hot water. He pressed his lips on mine and we kissed deeply, as he begun to remove my dress exposing my naked body.
(Mary Sue) He left on my dress exposing my additional set of genitals.
As his hands started to caress my body, caress my breasts, I could feel myself getting hotter.
(Link) So how much more of the Magical Powder do I have to sprinkle on her before she catches on fire?
I wanted him. Wanted to feel him. I wanted to touch him in ways that he had never been touched.
"Surprise!" said the Mary Sue as she boned Link up the ass.
Then I felt his heart beating faster, felt his hands moving up and down my slender body. As he nibbled on my nipples, I little by little slowly started to remove his clothes, exposing his heavenly naked body. I slowly reached up and placed my hands on his bear chest.
Sexy!
As I ran my fingerONEWORDtips down his chest, soft moans passed his lips. His body was so muscular, so firm, his skin silky to the touch. I ran my hands slowly down his body. First to his waist, then to his thighs, around his butt, then to the swollen organ between his legs. His dislocated liver. When I grazed my hand over the head, Link let out small cries of pleasure.
Forgive me if I'm wrong, but I don't think men go around letting out "soft moans" and "small cries of pleasure" when they're felt up.
Link of Hyrule:
Hero of Time, Heroine of Romance Novels
Then I looked in to his eyes.
"Tonight my love, I'm going to show you how much I love you." I went down and slowly took the head of his member into my mouth, teasing it with my tongue. As I teased the head soft moans passed Link's lips.
Er... I don't think men react that demurely to getting blowjobs. Not that I have any experience, but isn't the cliched phrase "low groans"?
Then slowly I moved to his shaft, caressing it with my tongue as I licked up and down it.
Wait, if you were caressing it with your tongue AND licking up and down it SEPARATELY, with WHAT were you licking it?
As I caressed his member with my lips and tongue, Link's soft moans soon turned into cries of pleasure.
And then he gasped, "Take me! Take me now! Make me a real woman!"
I felt his body quivering under my gentle hands,
(Link) *tear-filled eyes* Oh please, please be gentle...
as his cries of ecstasy filled the room.
*yawns* Most boring blowjob scene ever.
Then Link let out a loud animal like cry as I took his member fully into my mouth. "BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Slowly I moved up and down the shaft, dragging my tongue as I went. Little by little I upped the movement, causing Link to cry out in ecstasy as I caused waves of pure pleasure to go surging threw his body.
(Link's body) *collides with wall*
(Waves of pure pleasure) ...Whoops?
Then I found a rhythm and his breathing became faster as I started to take him over the edge.
(Link) *uses Hookshot*
(Mary Sue) *falls over the cliff edge, screaming in ecstasy*
(Link) *looks down* That was a close call...
His heart started racing,
STARTED racing?
(Link) *reading magazine while getting blowjob* I say, old chap, this is rather boring. Oh, Edward Cullen came out of the closet and started dating Aro to spite Carlisle, who was an ex of both vampires? My, my, can't say I'm surprised. ...Good heavens, how much longer will this take?
his cries filled the room. And finally when I took his nut sack
"Nut sack". That diction totally matches up with "member", "soft moans", and "small cries", it does.
and caressed it with my hand, it was his undoing. His balls fell off, and I promptly mounted them on my mantelpiece. Link let out a loud animal like cry - "MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CLUCK CLUCK!" - as he reached his peak, releasing his essence into my mouth.
Good gad, she just gave him the Dementor's Blowjob!
I swallowed, licking up all of the sweet juices off his member.
I hear that semen tastes like salty paste, actually.
As I licked my lips, he brought his face close to mine. Our lips met kissing each other passionately, the taste of him still on my lips.
Eeeeeeeerm. I've never really found that sexy, to be honest. Even in slash.
As he deepened the kiss, I let out soft moans into his mouth. Then we broke off the kiss and I looked into his eyes. "I'm ready for you now my love." I said as I started to kiss his neck.
Slowly I felt the heat between us grow stronger. I felt myself wanting him for 50% off, felt my body calling out to feel him inside me. His eyes shone desire in them, the passion burned in them.
*sniffs* How unfortunate, the eyeballs burned. Oh well. *eats them anyway* Crispy...
He led me by the hand then, pulled me into the tub and held my head underwater as the desire between us raged.
I wanted him even more now; wanted to feel him inside me. He moved closer to me and I felt his throbbing member at my entrance.
Link apparently has no refractory period...
Then I begun to cry out in ecstasy as he slowly penetrated my enchanted body.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, lady, you're supposed to be lusting after HIM, not YOURSELF. This is like Bella Swan talking about her own ivory skin...
Slowly at first, then I cried out in pure bliss as Link upped his movements. As we made hot love
(Link) Honey, when is the hot love going to be ready?
(Mary Sue) In 58 seconds, according to the microwave...
I felt his heart beating in unison with mine, felt the heat of his body against my body.
O_O
Er, sorry. I had a Laurell K. Hamilton flashback, and that woman uses "body" as an euphemism for "penis". Um... yeah.
Link felt soo good inside me.
Because it is sooooo hot to use "soo" in a sex scene. It's, like, sooooo obvious.
So warm. So tender. Then he pushed me up against the side of the tub as he put his hands underneath my body lifting me up, allowing him to penetrate deeper. I wrapped my legs around his waist
*breathes sigh of relief* This is the Zelda fandom. I'm just glad she didn't say "his waste".
and groaned as I grabbed his back and dug my nails in feeling the sweat beginning to form.
Um... you're in a water-filled bathtub. Would you really be able to notice sweat?
As I dragged my hands down his back,
(Link) Woman, you do realize that, since you dug your nails in, you're clawing my back off, right?
I cried in ecstasy as he begun to thrust deeper inside my now hot sweaty form. Our bodies quivered as our movements begun to flow in unison. And I felt his heart beginning to beat faster
Just NOW beating faster?
(Link) Oh, this exertion is nothing. You should have seen when I got my sword and all my equipment eaten by a Like-Like, and I had to fight off an army of Moblins with nothing but my, uh, "sword" until I could chase the creature down.
as I forced my body up against his. Loud animal-like sounds passed his lips
"Cheep cheep! Cheep cheep! CHEEP!"
as his thrusts came in faster beats. He was doing it to the rhythm of the minuets. Then I bucked against Link as I as as I as I as I as I as I as... cried for him to take me.
Just NOW? Wow, you're rather slow on the uptake, aren't you?
"Ungh....Link..Oh...My Goddesses.....LINK!"
Notice.. the creative..... use... of periods..... READERS!
I cried as I ran my hands down his back;
Didn't you just do that?
down over his buttock,
(Link) My other one was shot off by an Octorok.
dragging my nails as they went. I felt him starting to breath faster as he yelped "STOP CLAWING MY SKIN OFF, WOMAN!" started to climax. And as the sheer ecstasy raced through our bodies I didn't want it to end.
I wanted every part of him. Yes, even his appendix! I wanted to drink in his body.
(Mary Sue) *SLURP*
He felt soo good....soOOOOOOOOOOO hot......he was mine, mine forever. I had him......
(Mary Sue) Mine... MINE, my precious, MINE!
had his body........his heavenly body........Mmmm.......
You shouldn't be talking as if you're ogling a poster of him or a sex doll while you're screwing him. A bit out of order...
Sexual thoughts raced through my mind as we both came to a full climax.....
Uh, YOU'RE SCREWING HIM! I would THINK you were having sexual thoughts!
"LINK!" I cried out in pure ecstasy as I gushed down his muscular legs.
SPLOOSH!
To quote Das Mervin, "Oh gross, she's PEEING!"
"JENNA!" Link screamed as he reached his peak and released his very essence inONEWORDside me. I let out a loud moan as I felt the warm liquid slide down inside my beautiful body.
Er, who are you lusting after, again? Him or yourself?
It felt sooo good........I now had a part of him inside me. A part of his very essence.
Worse even than the Dementor's Kiss or the Dementor's Blowjob, the Dementor's Screw.
We both collapsed from exhaustion after Link delivered his second and final release. Breathing heavy, I looked deeply into his sexy blue eyes.....eyes with passion in them.
As opposed to what? Bored eyes?
(Link) By the Triforce, I think I fell asleep several times during that. I'll stick to my left hand from now on.
Then I leaned over and pressed my lips on his tasting the sweetness of them.......so firm, so sweet......
Are you savoring his lips or advertising fruit?
(Legend of Zelda slashers) He is a fruit!
(Legend of Zelda het shippers) He is not!
(Legend of Zelda villains) Oh, definitely not. He's a vegetable.
(Zelda) He is not!
(Villains) He hasn't spoken once in the entire series! Do we have any proof that he's not just some vegetable you're puppeteering across the land?
(Zelda) Uh... um... *hides Nintendo 64 controller* Of... course I do! Yes... Um... absolutely...
(Ganondorf) And you can call me a pig.
(Ganon) *OINK*
(Ganondorf) Never mind.
Feeling a slight longing I moved my lips to his ear and whispered words of passion to him. "Oh... my Goddesses.... Link." "I love...you so ....much." I said in between gasps of breath before I slowly starting to caress his long sexy pointed ear with my lips and tongue. "And....I love....you too....my sweet...love." Link said as he embraced me.
Paragraph breaks between speakers are a foreign concept to this woman.
As I nibbled on the lobe of his ear I could hear his soft moaning..........
AGAIN?
And holy crud, ten periods in a row. That has to be some sort of record.
felt his hands moving down my body......I felt the heat of his body......
Haven't we been through this before?
felt his skin against mine.......so hot.......so heavenly (her favorite adverb, it seems)........his body.......
Oh gad, she makes Ninis look moderate when it comes to use of ellipses. Those of you who have seen sporkings with Ninis will know how serious this is.
finally for once I felt complete.......
(Perfect Sue) I am COMPLETE! Mwahahaha!
(Super Saiyan 2 Gohan) That's about to abruptly change. *takes out spork*
felt like a women......
That does take talent. Multiple personalities (all female) through orgasm?
I felt sexy,
Oh, boy, do we ever know how sexy you feel. You make Bella Swan look modest.
wanted. We laid there still connected and covered in sweat. I laid my head against his chest and listened to the beating of his heart. We were both exhausted and breathing heavILy. Then as my breathing started to slow I felt my eyes beginning to drift.
*watches them drift out the window* ...*snatches them out of the air and gobbles*
And as I felt my last ounce of strength leave my body, I was impaled by one thousand sporks fell asleep.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
ZeldaQueen: Thank you Guardian, I can’t tell you how much I appreciate the help! *sends gift basket with various goodies*
And we seem to be running low on time now, so we'll start up a new tape for Part Two of...The Honeymoon! Dun-dun-duhhhh!!!
Onward to: Chapter 3: The Honeymoon (Part 2)
Back to: Chapter 2: The Wedding
Return to: Table of Contents