Jack Chick - The Nervous Witch
ZeldaQueen: Well no wonder she's nervous, the poor woman's about to get sucked down a giant whirlpool!
Right then, this is Chick's answer to warning the world how "evil" Harry Potter is, and I thought I'd do it first since a lot of my viewers are HP fans and all.
Left Panel: Ohhh, talking on the cellphone while driving! Isn't that something Jesus frowns on? Bad stereotypical sitcom mother! And I love the daughter's logic. "I hate surprises. Well? What are they? Out with it!"
Right Panel: "Shut up mother!" Oh, cranky lady! Of course she is, she hasn't been converted yet.
Hmm, looking on the shelf of the bookcase, I see a stereotypical witch, a unicorn, a frog, and Fang. Fang is a dog who is a bit of a reoccurring character in these tracts. He doesn't do too much though. he's like the UFO, dynamite, and piece of cake that are always in the Bizarro comics. As for the other things, do you think Chick's taking a not-too-subtle swipe at the fantasy genre? And before you ask, yes Chick has written anti-fairy tale tracts. More on that later.
Left Panel: Hi creepy girl who seems to have been hit on the head after hanging up on her mom! Perhaps the news of her uncle's visit made more of an impression that she let on. And apparently this girl just randomly struck up a conversation with her friend. "He makes me nervous because he reminds me of Jesus"? You know, in real life the friend would probably just give her a weird look and be like "What on earth are you blathering about?" And yes, I'd agree that someone who never sins or gets anything wrong is scary, given that to err is human and all. By that logic, then this Uncle Bob fellow is inhuman.
In case you're wondering though, this is another Chick tract trademarks. The instant you convert, you never commit another sin again. Jack, just because someone joins a religion doesn't mean they don't continue to screw up in life. According to you, the Muslims and Jews and Catholics do it all of the time. No wait, according to you those religions don't count because they're "false". Silly me.
Right Panel: Holy cow, that woman is freaky with that facial expression. How old is she supposed to be anyway? The blond girl looks like a teenager, but Holly looks like an adult. How did those two get to be buddy-buddy like that if she is that old? And wouldn't the mother find it a little...strange? I mean don't get me wrong, I have friends who are a lot older than me, but I don't invite them over to the house while my parents are away...
"Don't even try Holly! And you've got a weird goat-thing sneaking up behind you". Yes folks, that's a demon. Subtly, thy name is not Jack Chick.
Ha! A love spell! Of course, that's where women go to hit where it hurts! If Jack didn't operate on a PG level in these things, I wouldn't be surprised if he had Holly try to seduce Uncle Bob ala Jezebel.
Left Panel: Annnnd now Holly looks like a freaky mannish statue. Also I'm not sure, but I think that's some kind of an "occult" symbol on the pendant she's wearing.
Right Panel: Hmm, lemme see those posters - A dragon, Gandolf fighting the Balrog, a caricature of Harry Potter on his broomstick. I dunno, I still think Chick's being too subtle here. Oh wait, we've also got Hedwig, two daggers, and a pentagram. That makes it much more clear.
Oh, so the blond girl's name is Samantha. That's original.
Erm Chick? I don't think that people interested in fantasy/the occult (which you seem to consider one and the same) talk like that.
Left Panel: What do you want to bet Chick copied that image from some evil sorority girls-type movie?
Right Panel: "Oh no! It's the cops, using a flashlight to look in the window behind me!" "@!!!**! Lock the door!"
Left Panel: Honey, I'm hoooome! Wait, wrong movie rip-off.
Right Panel: Wait, how long does it take for them to roll the rug over the damned thing? Did their mom ring the doorbell and teleport inside? I'm pretty sure that I could cover up that pentagram and take off a robe in the time it would take my mother to ring the doorbell and come in the house.
Silly girl, of course you're not stronger than he is! Fundamentalists can do anything, don't you know? They can even cure vampirism! (Yes, really, more on that later)
Oh, and it looks like there are posters of a Grey, a fairy, and a peace symbol on Samantha's wall as well. So aliens, fairies, and hippies are also works of the devil?
Left Panel: Woo-hoo-hoo, look who is being all devious. Actually, the mom looks pretty creepy too. She looks like she's sizing up Uncle Bob for sex. "What's going on?" Well lady, your daughter is possessed by a demon and hanging out with a similarly possessed woman of an indecipherable age. That's why she's acting like a complete tool, that's all. Not like they're just grumpy teenagers or something.
Right Panel: Samantha just seems to be acting like the typical pissy teenager. Does Chick really believe that teens only act like that because they're demonically possessed? "Are you ready for the other surprise? Brace yourself!" Oh god, now my mind is jumping over to that Star Trek fanfiction again. I need to get my brain cleaned...
Left Panel: Hooray! No more sins! So if you never want to sin again, does that mean that you never feel the desire to read fairy tales, play Dungeons & Dragons, wear a cross on a chain (idol worship apparently), or feel basic biological responses to attractive people of the opposite sex (or same sex, if you swing that way)? Well, isn't that convenient! I guess tax evasion isn't a sin, or else Kent Hovind wouldn't be in the slammer.
I love how ridiculously over-the-top the facial expressions of those girls are. And I know that Chick's going for the "demonically possessed people are so evil that they just can't stand to be nearly saved folk" angle, but given how crazy that lady's acting, I wouldn't blame them. And who actually thinks the word "gasp"?
Right Panel: This is the answer to all of her prayers! Apparently Samantha's grandma hasn't got time to pray for starving people in Africa or people dying from war or illness or genocide. Nope, no time for that! She's got to pray for her daughter to get converted!
We get it Jack, evil Harry-Potter-reading people just can't stand to be around good saved people. Stop being so flipping obvious!
Left Panel: I hear 'ya Bob. Unfortunately, you're in a Chick tract. I don't even think God can bail you out of this one. Sorry buddy.
Samantha looks like Uncle Bob just let one rip. That might also explain why Holly hears something inside of her screaming to leave the house.
Jack, Jack, Jack. Methinks you have no idea what a spirit guide. They are not synonymous with demons. Please shut up about that now, thank you very much!
Right Panel: Smart move, Holly. I wouldn't want to hear one of Chick's avatar's tell me anything either. Old Jack's not above flat-out lying or ignoring things.
Left Panel: Right. Now we start to wade through the bull. Hope you all have your boots on.
We can begin with the fact that the quote Chick uses ("Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live") is only in the King James version of the Bible. The translation of this version was, of course, instructed by Mr. King James of England, so which do you think the translators were more concerned with - being accurate or pleasing the king? In the context of the quote, we see that there was a translation screw-up of sorts, specifically that the Hebrew word chasaph was written as "witch" when it ought to have been poisoner. Bit of a difference there.
And can you look any more smug there, Uncle Bob?
Right Panel: Old Saul looks pretty bored there, considering that he's being crowned king and all.
Left Panel: "Mommy, can I have another dried grasshopper treat?" "Only if you're a good girl and remember to blow out the candles before bed". We know those people are witches because they have a statue waving a spoon and Sailor Saturn's scythe, a black cat, and a broomstick. *nods knowingly*
"Closet" witches? Is that like closet - nevermind. Best not to ask these questions of Chick. And no duh the witches were frightened, they were all being persecuted.
Right Panel: Mm, help me out viewers, did "rebellious" mean something different in Biblical times than it does today? Because if not, "for rebellion is as the sin of witchcraft..."? And apparently the rest of that passage says that stubbornness is as bad as idol worship. And according to Chick, witchcraft and idol worship are EVIL!!! But if that's the case and rebellion was so terrible, then didn't America engage in the work of the Devil when it fought for its Independence? And so was Pat Robertson right after all in that the Haati revolt against the French was caused by a pact with Satan?
"What was Saul supposed to do?" How about think out a strategy and fight the frigging army on his own? Seriously, is he so incapable of a ruler that he can't fight an army without someone leading him every step of the way?
(Saul) "Doh! Headache! Where'd I leave the Excedrin? God? God? Answer me, will you?"
ZeldaQueen: Heh, he wants to "inquire of her". That sounds like one of those sexual phrases from the Bible, like "so we may know them".
The art for this is just...weird. The dark is all splotchy and the fires look like some sort of marshmallows. And Saul just looks creepy. Don't want to run into a face like that in a dark alleyway. Meanwhile, the guard on the left looks sort of Asian and the guard on the right has this bored "I don't get paid enough for this" expression.
"Behold there is a woman that hath a familiar spirit at Endor. Actually, she's just outside the door, over there" *points*
Left Panel: Yeah, a bedsheet. That'll certainly fool the world.
Yep, real subtle with that demon clinging to her like a whiny child. "Mommy! I need a glass of water!"
Glossing over a few things there, aren't you Jack? Technically that woman never was referred to as a witch (a m'khashephah) but rather a esheth ba'alath-'ov, a medium or necromancer. She also told Saul (who she didn't recognize) that it was forbidden for her to summon Samuel and asked if he was really sure he wanted her to.
Right Panel: "Bring me up Samuel, on the rocks". Wait, isn't she a necromancer? Shouldn't she see ghosts all of the time? Oh wait, Chick believes that anything conjured by a medium is actually a demon in disguise. *sigh*
Left Panel: Yep, who called it?
Man, those are some weird-looking demons. We've got a Yeti, a lizard-man, and some oni-dinosaur thing.
Samuel looks really annoyed there. "Alright, who saw fit to bring me back to the living? I was perfectly happy in the afterlife, thankyouverymuch!" And do all spirit summonings include stage magician clouds of smoke, or just the legitimate ones?
Right Pane: "Wow, it's Saul! I never would have guessed if that sheet hadn't have fallen off!"
Why did he deceive you? Take a wild guess lady! Witchcraft was only declared illegal by him. That's like a hooker asking a politician why he gave her a fake name when he gets her services.
(Samuel) *tapping foot* "Um guys? I'm waiting!"
Left Panel: (Samuel) "Why did you call me? I was on the toilet!"
(Saul) "God won't return my calls!"
(Samuel) "Oh, his phone's just out. Did you leave a message on his answering machine?"
And seriously, it hasn't occurred to Saul before now that God's not talking to him because Saul lost His favor? Did he honestly think that God went deaf or something and just didn't hear him?
Right Panel: Ha, classic faint-take, complete with the motion lines and the eyes rolling into the head! Why would Saul be with Samuel though? If he lost God's favor and used a witch's services, wouldn't he be going to Hell?
Also, Chick's conveniently skipping the ending of the tale, in which the witch comforts Saul and helps him recover from Samuel's words.
Left Panel: "And everyone died and went to Hell, the end!" What a great story!
Wait, so God isn't love? Isn't Jack always saying in his other tracts about how God loves everyone?
And yes, those girls have hideous faces. Because they're the Bad Guys.
Right Panel: So what if a witch does accept Jesus as their savior? Being a witch isn't a religion, I mean Harry Potter celebrated Christmas and Easter the same as everyone else in the book. You don't suppose Jack's making the mistake of confusing "witchcraft" for "Wiccan", do you? Nah.
"You will end up in a lake of fire and you can count on that!" Seriously, where is their mother? How long does it take for her to make a phone call? And if she can hear this conversation, is she honestly alright with her brother basically saying that her daughter and daughter's friend are demon-infested hellbound witches? My mom would be kicking him out of the door! Who am I kidding? In these tracts, all of the "good" characters always side with the Fundamentalists, even over family and friends. If they don't, they themselves are automatically evil.
My God, can that man look any more smug? And yes Jack, I can see the halo of light behind his head. You can stop whacking me with your Subtle Symbolism now. By the way, Uncle Bob is a mortal man. Isn't it a bit presumptuous to give him a symbol of divinity like that?
Left Panel: Yeah, if I had some strange dude talking so condescendingly to me like that, I'd be pretty annoyed also. Granted I wouldn't be swearing, but I'd be somewhere along the lines of "where do you get off telling me how to run my life? You don't even know me!"
Apparently the glass in the window is very opaque. Or really, really smudged.
"This is your spirit guide talking! Let me out of this freaking tract!"
I don't quite get that quote at the bottom of the panel. It just says you have to "believe" in Jesus to get everlasting life. So what if you believe in him but don't support him? I mean, the Muslims and Jews believe in Jesus also, they just don't follow his teachings.
Right Panel: Why, I do believe that Holly is supposed to be the Evil Person of this tract. It's so subtle though, it's hard to tell. Oop, she's screamed so hard that an explosion went off behind her head!
*Rubs head* Chick? Spirit guides aren't necessarily people or even anything definite. You keep using that word... And please stop pretending that non-Fundamentalists act like this when presented with the Bible. Promise me that and I won't bring up the insane Fundamentalist people who lash out at non-Fundies.
Left Panel: "Never!" she shouts as she gargles. "I'll just storm out here with my horned-ghoul thing!" Man, her eyes...
Right Panel: So wait, if it's that easy for Uncle Bob to exorcise someone, why didn't he just do that to Holly instead of letting her storm out? Didn't he care that she was still possessed and hellbound? I mean, if she's being controlled by a demon then technically her actions aren't her own. Why didn't he ask Samantha if she wanted him to exorcise her or not? Why didn't he exorcise the girls the instant he saw they were possessed? I mean, surely he ought to have known that telling them that story would have just made them angrier. And why does Samantha's demon look like a flaming ogre's head with a rat tail?
And notice how she goes to respectfully calling him "Uncle Bob" when she's exorcised. Yes Chick, teenagers are only rude to adult figures because they're possessed by demons. I guess that excuses the call from my teachers my mom got when I was in Middle School - clearly my actions were all caused by demons who possessed me after I listened to too much Beatles music.
Left Panel: Isn't that the position you're supposed to get in if you have gas? I'm just sayin'...
"I could end up like Holly, who I'm not going to make the least bit of effort to help despite the fact that she's just a victim like me! Amen!"
Right Panel: So Samantha was on the floor in a fetal position for one hour? How long was that prayer exactly? And is her mom still on the phone, or did she wonder why her daughter was just lying there, muttering to herself?
*groan* Yes folks, Harry Potter causes demonic possession. Never mind the fact that the it's made quite clear in the books that magic is inherited and can not be gotten any other way. I mean seriously, who thinks "I want magic powers like Harry Potter! I'll call for 'spirit guides' to give them to me!" I mean, ignoring the fact that spirit guides are protectors and don't give magic powers, how does that give you powers like Harry Potter? It's not like the series tells you to do that to get his powers. If a book had that you needed to sacrifice a goat over a pentagram and pray to Beelzebub then maybe I could swallow it, but to me if a kid wanted to cast magic like Harry does, the worst that would happen would be that they'd make wands out of sticks and run around shouting "Expelliarmus!"
Left Panel: I'm fairly sure Chick never actually read the Harry Potter books. Crystal balls are in there, but it's made pretty clear that it's neigh impossible to use one accurately and they're treated as jokes. There are no tarot cards or ouija boards. And no, I will not see that video, Chick. It's from your publishing company, so forgive me for not believing it to be unbiased.
Wait Uncle Bob just said...does Chick honestly believe... *laughs for a full half hour* Oh Chick, just because you have trouble separating reality from fiction doesn't mean the rest of us do! Seriously, if millions of kids take up witchcraft like that, and witchcraft really and truly works (as you seem to think it does), then why doesn't anyone notice it? I think that if one million kids started working magic, someone would be bound to find out and report it!
Right Panel: Yes, how dare there be religious folks who realize that the series is a work of fiction and enjoys it as such?
Brrr, Samantha seems to have stumbled into the Uncanny Valley there. And what's with her pinching her chin like that? Is that what she does when she's thoughtful? "Hmm, I have a roomful of demonic objects. I guess I'd better destroy them". No, don't do that! I'm sure the local Satan 'R Us will pay you good money for it all.
Left Panel: "I hate my room! My brother's room is so much better!"
Pictures of Gandalf and dragons are offensive to God? *scratches head* God must have some delicate sensibilities if the room of a teenage girl is so offensive but genocide in Africa isn't.
Right Panel: Wait, did they just set all of that stuff on fire? In the house? Isn't that, I don't know, DANGEROUS?!? And where is the mother? Doesn't she notice her brother and daughter setting fire to the room? How long is that telephone call she's making?
So wait, when you've been saved then you're able to see spirits? Well that's handy! If that's the case and you also have the ability to exorcise anyone, then why don't you travel the world and free people from demonic control? Apparently they can't be bothered.
Is it just me, or does "As long as we walk with Jesus" sound like some goofy Christian Rock song?
Left Panel: "The only version Satan hasn't messed with" my foot. And again, Chick is using his own site to back up his claims. No duh they'll support him.
Uncle Bob has a face like a potato and Samantha's head seems to have turned into a talking peanut. Interesting.
Yes, pray for those kids. As opposed to, you know, getting them exorcised! Seriously, it didn't look that hard and Samantha seemed pretty willing to convert after she was freed. What's there to lose?
Right Panel: Well, Acts 16:31 seemed to have been pretty specific to have included "like Samantha did" like that. And no wonder that stick figure dude is so afraid, God has a cartoon shouting bubble behind his head. Or his divinity halo exploded.
On a slightly off-topic note, I've got word that this tract originally also contained warnings against reading the works of C.S. Lewis and Tolkein. Ah yes. That's Lewis, with his thinly-disguised Jesus-lion avatar, and Tolkein. Evidently Chick wised up and realized that no one would be stupid enough to believe that their works which all but had the word "BIBLE" stamped on them were Satanic.
Morals from this tract:
- Children are too stupid to tell real life from fiction.
- Teenagers are only rude because they're possessed by demons.
- All it takes is a few words to exorcise someone.
- Harry Potter will be dragging millions of kids to Hell. No word on how exactly. Perhaps with a grappling hook.
- It's perfectly alright for a Fundamentalist to be condescending and rude to you, because you're wrong and he's right. If you're rude to him, then you're possessed by a demon and irrationally wish for his death.
- If you read Harry Potter and take up witchcraft, you can really work magic. Way to make it unappealing, Jack.
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