Breaking Dawn: Chapter 27 - Travel Plans
Projection Room Voices: Up for another chapter?
ZeldaQueen: It's not going to be really silly and pointless, is it?
Projection Room Voices: Let's see, "chapter twenty-seven, in which the baby is discussed in extensive detail".
ZeldaQueen: God damn it!
Projection Room Voices: Starting Media in 3...2...1...
Chapter 27: Travel Plans
ZeldaQueen: Well wouldn't you know it, we start out with a three-month skip! Apparently the Cullens somehow have remained in Forks for three months and none of Bella's old friends (or the rest of the town for that matter) have made any attempt to see her again. Pretty strange when you consider how the Cullens were oh-so mysterious and Bella was oh-so popular and there was that huge shindig of a wedding and all. Ah well, Bella's done with them so I guess they don't exist anymore.
Bella goes about comparing her life to the threads on the Fates's loom and does some stupid comparison to how her thread was probably beige at first but was then turned crimson or gold. No dearie, it was and always has been purple. She then goes on to compare the colorful threads of the rest of her friends and family and I find it highly ironic that she's doing this with all of these immortals, since the Fates were remembered as the ones who cut the threads and thus decided when people died. They'd probably be annoyed as heck with vampires and werewolves because people not dying tangled up their loom, if I recall.
Through this goofy analogy, we find out that Jacob and Seth are still in Bella's life, as are Quil and Embry who also joined Jake's pack (Bella has the nerve to refer to them as her old friends, God in heaven!)
We also find out that Sue and Leah have become tangled up in this crazy make-believe loom as well. It seems that Sue has been the one to help Charlie adjust to the world of werewolves and vampire that he's found himself thrown into. Bella of course harps on about how Sue is uncomfortable visiting the Cullens although she takes the time to go when Charlie does. Erm Bella? Both of her children basically have been going out onto dangerous missions to kill vampires and were potentially risking life and limb to protect your stupid in-laws. Not everyone drops trepidations like a stack of plates just because the vampires are sparkly. And take a wild guess for what Meyer's setting up with Charlie and Sue. Go on. No prizes given, that would be cheating. Leah is also mentioned and again, Bella goes on about how she is even more uncomfortable hanging around and how she was the exception in that regard. BELLA, JUST BECAUSE YOU ARE TOTALLY ENAMORED OF THE VAMPIRES DOESN'T MEAN THAT EVERYONE ELSE CAN IGNORE THE FACT THAT THEY ARE CREATURES THAT DRINK BLOOD FOR A LIVING! Plus, we've read Midnight Sun, we know how psychotic your husband and his family are. Leah's perfectly sensible to be on edge. Plus, she's the only one who isn't bending over backwards to coo over that demon spawn baby of yours, so good for her! Ah well, we do find out that Jacob decided to make Leah his beta which means that the two are now good friends. *sigh* I know he's a jerk and doesn't deserve to be friends with her, but I'm still glad that at least something is going good for the poor girl.
I might add that Leah and Jacob are referred to as Bella's extended family. On it's own? Not too weird. Considering that Jacob will be wanting to marry Renesmee in the future...
Well all things considered, Bella's pretty happy that she ditched her human life.
"The days were not long enough for me to get my fill of adoring my daughter; the nights did not have enough hours to satisfy my need for Edward".
ZeldaQueen: "Adoring" your daughter? She's not a freaking puppy? Don't you, y'know, have to feed her or bath her or discipline her or do anything that would require actual work and bonding? Yes viewers, I'm being rhetorical there, I know there's a snowball's chance for Meyer to cause her pet Sue the slightest distress that doesn't have payoff. *sigh* Although I guess we can let the endless sex thing slide on the physical aspect since they're vampires and have unlimited stamina. It's still annoying as heck though!
Well, all is not sunshine and roses though, specifically in regards to Renesmee who is still growing like a mutant weed from Captain Underpants. It turns out that Rensmee spoke her first word when she was one week old (Momma) and immediately after moved on to her first sentence (Momma, where is Grandpa?). She also began walking less than three weeks later, after staring at Alice doing her dancey-walk thing across the room and then getting up and copying it perfectly, first time. *headdesk* I call bull here Meyer! Even if you say the kid is fast-growing, kids don't just stand up and start walking perfectly the first time around! They trip and stumble and fall! Oh, but I forgot, you baby came straight out of Heaven on a cloud! *grumbles*
Everyone is understandably freaked out by all of this, since it's looking like Renesmee will be hitting middle age by the time she's six. Edward and Carlisle begin looking into mythology for help, but there's little info to be had. Again, if Renemsee is so unique and all, what exactly are they looking for?
We get even more of a run-down on the infant Sue's growth. Alice and Rosalie play dress-up with her constantly because "trying to create a baby album that appeared to span years rather than weeks" I could actually see this as being a legitimately sad and scary thing, but I bet dollars to doughnuts that Meyer won't stand to let her wish-fulfillment baby die so quickly. There's also the fact that all of this is delivered in a way that just keeps going on and on about how freaking perfect she is! Like her physical description.
"At three months, Renesmee could have been a big one-year-old, or a small two-year-old. She wasn't shaped exactly like a toddler; she was leaner and more graceful, her proportions were more even, like an adult's. Her bronze ringlets hung to her waist; I couldn't bear to cut them, even if Alice would have allowed it. Renesmee could speak with flawless grammar and articulation, but she rarely bothered, preferring to simply show people what she wanted. She could not only walk but run and dance. She could even read".
ZeldaQueen: And if you're expecting her to begin by reading Hop On Pop, well you don't know Meyer, do you? Nope, Renesmee starts by reading Tennyson. Of course. You see, Bella is reading Renesmee some, because "I had to search constantly for new material; Renesmee didn't like repetition in her bedtime stories as other children supposedly did, and she had no patience for picture books". That's very nice, by the way Meyer. Just keep going on about how your avatar's baby is so much better than us mere humans' babies are. Anyway, as Bella is reading, Renesmee sends her an image that she wants the book and then immediately starts reading from it without any stumbling or hesitation. Again Meyer, BULL!!! Kids, even freakish ones with adult minds, stumble and screw up the first time they read!
It turns out that by Carlisle's measurements, the baby is slowing down in growth, but is mentally aging very rapidly. By their estimation, she'll be an old lady mentally by fifteen. *dully* Well, that certainly trumps Bella's concerns over turning eighteen, wouldn't you say? I think Meyer secretly has some issues with growing older.
It seems that the only surefire way to stop Renesmee from getting old is to turn her into a vampire as well. Am I the only one who sees how incredibly shallow and selfish that is? Besides, what good would it do? Her body is starting to age slower and it's her mind that's going so quickly, isn't it? So to preserve her mind, they'd have to bite her as a child which is forbidden. By the way, what do they even mean by her being mentally old? I know that it's more difficult for older people to remember things and the like, but doesn't that have to do with the brain itself getting old? Renesmee's brain is still young and - ah screw it, why am I even bothering? It seems that the only real way to find answers is to go down to Brazil to see if they can find any of them there half-vampire children. I still don't understand how that works, by the way. Plenty of other cultures have legends about half-vampire children. Why is this only apparently happening in Brazil? Oh well, the Cullens ignore this thought if they even have it and decide to figure out when to go.
And then I do believe our plot is shyly peeking around the corner here! We are reminded that the Volturi remember the promise Edward and Bella made and are eager to see her soon to make sure that she was indeed vampirized. Huh, you'd think that with running all of the vampire world they'd have more things to worry about than one chick in Forks. Maybe one of the Volturi specializes in keeping track of humans who know their secret and have to be either killed or transformed.
The Volturi reminder comes in the form of Aro's wedding gift to Bella, which is of course ridiculously expensive and over-the-top.
"The gift was presented in an ornately carved, ancient wooden box inlaid with gold and mother-of-pearl, ornamented with a rainbow of gemstones. Alice said the box itself was a priceless treasure, that it would have outshone just about any piece of jewelry besides the one inside it.
'I always wondered where the crown jewels disappeared to after John of England pawned them in the thirteenth century,' Carlisle said. 'I suppose it doesn't surprise me that the Volturi have their share.'
The necklace was simple-gold woven into a thick rope of a chain, almost scaled, like a smooth snake that would curl close around the throat. One jewel hung suspended from the rope: a white diamond the size of a golf ball."
ZeldaQueen: So apparently Bella is so important to them that they're sending her one of the crown jewels of England as a wedding present. Interesting. Ah well, I guess we could argue that Aro's trying to impress Alice, Carlisle, and Edward who he totally is in love with. And I love how Carlisle is just like "huh, the crown jewels. Interesting". Bella instantly starts freaking out over the fact that the Volturi want to see her and I fail to see why. She's a vampire, isn't she? And not only that, but she's got fantastic self-control which means that they can't even pretend that she's too unstable to let live or anything. Edward of course gets all upset at the thought of Bella going alone to Italy. Dude! I repeat, she's a vampire! She can take care of herself for a change! Plus, she points out, there's no reason for her to be hurt! I guess you could argue that Edward is worried that Aro would see her great self-control and decide that he wants to recruit her, but he hasn't been able to force any of the other Cullens so why would he force her? She ought to be able to show up, go "Yo, I'm a vampire" and go home. Bella also has a good point (I think this is a sign of the apocalypse) that it's definitely not good to let the Volturi come to America. She just doesn't want them to see Renesmee and covet her. I personally think it's bad news to draw the most bloodthirsty and dangerous vampires to Forks, where her father lives!!!
Alice goes searching through her visions of the future for anything useful. Everything is dismissed as useless, including the thought that Irina might be stopping down to pay a visit. Of course, not like that's going to be useful, right? Ha ha!
Oh, and we find out that Bella's still working on roughing up her voice so she can get in contact with Renee. So she's not totally dumping her mom.
Well we've got the low-down on the past three months and caught up to Bella purchasing her ticket to Italy.
We jump to Bella, Renesmee, and Jacob out hunting - my God, stay away you idiot! - where we find out that Jacob wants to go to Brazil with the others. Bella reminds him that he has duties and obligations to his pack and Jake waves it away by saying that he's not their nanny. You're not Renesmee's either! You're not connected to her at all! We know you can't ignore anything remotely related to your infant smoochy-poo, but there are such things as "responsibilities" in this world and everyone in this series seems determined to ignore them! Speaking of which, the reason why Jake has been able to be hanging around here so much? He's taking a "sabbatical" from high school. I'm sorry, on what grounds? I don't think schools would accept "protecting an underage girlfriend from various supernatural potential deaths while carry and feeding and playing peek-a-boo with her" as a good reason.
Jacob and Renesmee go running off to find an elk to munch on and Bella stays behind, reflecting on how she will argue for Jake to be allowed to come, since he "had as big a stake in this as any of us". Um Bella? No he doesn't! He's not the kid's parents, he's not related to her at all, he's certainly not of age to be in a romantic relationship, no court in the world would agree with that. Well, thankfully that train of thought is cut as Bella suddenly notices the pale marble skin and golden eyes of a vampire staring at her through the forest. She correctly guesses that Irina decided to pay that visit after all. Who woulda thunk it? At that very moment they hear Jacob howl and Irina looks pained. Bella decides that it must be because of how she is friendly with Jake - a werewolf - when werewolves were the ones who killed her beloved Laurent. As soon as this is decided, Irine runs off and Bella goes tearing after Jake and Renesmee. She tells us that "vengeance was a common obsession with vampires". Because humans never go off trying to avenge the loss of loved ones. She finds her daughter and...well Jake just in time for us to hear Renesmee saying "“Mine is bigger"...
DO. NOT. WANT!!!!!
Well the pair are actually deciding who made the bigger kill and are curious as to why Bella is being so frantic. She calls Edward and tells him what's going on and Edward and Carlisle go out to find Irina. Of course, they keep going on about how this is all about her sadness over the loss of Laurent (how long did he live with her clan anyway?)
ZeldaQueen: And the chapter ends with Bella taking Renesmee back inside and figuring that since the hunting trip didn't work out, she'll have to cave in and feed her daughter donated human blood. You know Bella, you could just feed the little brat people food. She is able to eat that apparently.
ZeldaQueen: Why, I do believe that some semblance of plot has come a'sniffing around! Stay tuned - or don't - to find out exactly how this will play out!
Onward to: Chapter 28: The Future
Back to: Chapter 26: Shiny
Return to: Table of Contents
ZeldaQueen: It's not going to be really silly and pointless, is it?
Projection Room Voices: Let's see, "chapter twenty-seven, in which the baby is discussed in extensive detail".
ZeldaQueen: God damn it!
Projection Room Voices: Starting Media in 3...2...1...
Chapter 27: Travel Plans
ZeldaQueen: Well wouldn't you know it, we start out with a three-month skip! Apparently the Cullens somehow have remained in Forks for three months and none of Bella's old friends (or the rest of the town for that matter) have made any attempt to see her again. Pretty strange when you consider how the Cullens were oh-so mysterious and Bella was oh-so popular and there was that huge shindig of a wedding and all. Ah well, Bella's done with them so I guess they don't exist anymore.
Bella goes about comparing her life to the threads on the Fates's loom and does some stupid comparison to how her thread was probably beige at first but was then turned crimson or gold. No dearie, it was and always has been purple. She then goes on to compare the colorful threads of the rest of her friends and family and I find it highly ironic that she's doing this with all of these immortals, since the Fates were remembered as the ones who cut the threads and thus decided when people died. They'd probably be annoyed as heck with vampires and werewolves because people not dying tangled up their loom, if I recall.
Through this goofy analogy, we find out that Jacob and Seth are still in Bella's life, as are Quil and Embry who also joined Jake's pack (Bella has the nerve to refer to them as her old friends, God in heaven!)
We also find out that Sue and Leah have become tangled up in this crazy make-believe loom as well. It seems that Sue has been the one to help Charlie adjust to the world of werewolves and vampire that he's found himself thrown into. Bella of course harps on about how Sue is uncomfortable visiting the Cullens although she takes the time to go when Charlie does. Erm Bella? Both of her children basically have been going out onto dangerous missions to kill vampires and were potentially risking life and limb to protect your stupid in-laws. Not everyone drops trepidations like a stack of plates just because the vampires are sparkly. And take a wild guess for what Meyer's setting up with Charlie and Sue. Go on. No prizes given, that would be cheating. Leah is also mentioned and again, Bella goes on about how she is even more uncomfortable hanging around and how she was the exception in that regard. BELLA, JUST BECAUSE YOU ARE TOTALLY ENAMORED OF THE VAMPIRES DOESN'T MEAN THAT EVERYONE ELSE CAN IGNORE THE FACT THAT THEY ARE CREATURES THAT DRINK BLOOD FOR A LIVING! Plus, we've read Midnight Sun, we know how psychotic your husband and his family are. Leah's perfectly sensible to be on edge. Plus, she's the only one who isn't bending over backwards to coo over that demon spawn baby of yours, so good for her! Ah well, we do find out that Jacob decided to make Leah his beta which means that the two are now good friends. *sigh* I know he's a jerk and doesn't deserve to be friends with her, but I'm still glad that at least something is going good for the poor girl.
I might add that Leah and Jacob are referred to as Bella's extended family. On it's own? Not too weird. Considering that Jacob will be wanting to marry Renesmee in the future...
Well all things considered, Bella's pretty happy that she ditched her human life.
"The days were not long enough for me to get my fill of adoring my daughter; the nights did not have enough hours to satisfy my need for Edward".
ZeldaQueen: "Adoring" your daughter? She's not a freaking puppy? Don't you, y'know, have to feed her or bath her or discipline her or do anything that would require actual work and bonding? Yes viewers, I'm being rhetorical there, I know there's a snowball's chance for Meyer to cause her pet Sue the slightest distress that doesn't have payoff. *sigh* Although I guess we can let the endless sex thing slide on the physical aspect since they're vampires and have unlimited stamina. It's still annoying as heck though!
Well, all is not sunshine and roses though, specifically in regards to Renesmee who is still growing like a mutant weed from Captain Underpants. It turns out that Rensmee spoke her first word when she was one week old (Momma) and immediately after moved on to her first sentence (Momma, where is Grandpa?). She also began walking less than three weeks later, after staring at Alice doing her dancey-walk thing across the room and then getting up and copying it perfectly, first time. *headdesk* I call bull here Meyer! Even if you say the kid is fast-growing, kids don't just stand up and start walking perfectly the first time around! They trip and stumble and fall! Oh, but I forgot, you baby came straight out of Heaven on a cloud! *grumbles*
Everyone is understandably freaked out by all of this, since it's looking like Renesmee will be hitting middle age by the time she's six. Edward and Carlisle begin looking into mythology for help, but there's little info to be had. Again, if Renemsee is so unique and all, what exactly are they looking for?
We get even more of a run-down on the infant Sue's growth. Alice and Rosalie play dress-up with her constantly because "trying to create a baby album that appeared to span years rather than weeks" I could actually see this as being a legitimately sad and scary thing, but I bet dollars to doughnuts that Meyer won't stand to let her wish-fulfillment baby die so quickly. There's also the fact that all of this is delivered in a way that just keeps going on and on about how freaking perfect she is! Like her physical description.
"At three months, Renesmee could have been a big one-year-old, or a small two-year-old. She wasn't shaped exactly like a toddler; she was leaner and more graceful, her proportions were more even, like an adult's. Her bronze ringlets hung to her waist; I couldn't bear to cut them, even if Alice would have allowed it. Renesmee could speak with flawless grammar and articulation, but she rarely bothered, preferring to simply show people what she wanted. She could not only walk but run and dance. She could even read".
ZeldaQueen: And if you're expecting her to begin by reading Hop On Pop, well you don't know Meyer, do you? Nope, Renesmee starts by reading Tennyson. Of course. You see, Bella is reading Renesmee some, because "I had to search constantly for new material; Renesmee didn't like repetition in her bedtime stories as other children supposedly did, and she had no patience for picture books". That's very nice, by the way Meyer. Just keep going on about how your avatar's baby is so much better than us mere humans' babies are. Anyway, as Bella is reading, Renesmee sends her an image that she wants the book and then immediately starts reading from it without any stumbling or hesitation. Again Meyer, BULL!!! Kids, even freakish ones with adult minds, stumble and screw up the first time they read!
It turns out that by Carlisle's measurements, the baby is slowing down in growth, but is mentally aging very rapidly. By their estimation, she'll be an old lady mentally by fifteen. *dully* Well, that certainly trumps Bella's concerns over turning eighteen, wouldn't you say? I think Meyer secretly has some issues with growing older.
It seems that the only surefire way to stop Renesmee from getting old is to turn her into a vampire as well. Am I the only one who sees how incredibly shallow and selfish that is? Besides, what good would it do? Her body is starting to age slower and it's her mind that's going so quickly, isn't it? So to preserve her mind, they'd have to bite her as a child which is forbidden. By the way, what do they even mean by her being mentally old? I know that it's more difficult for older people to remember things and the like, but doesn't that have to do with the brain itself getting old? Renesmee's brain is still young and - ah screw it, why am I even bothering? It seems that the only real way to find answers is to go down to Brazil to see if they can find any of them there half-vampire children. I still don't understand how that works, by the way. Plenty of other cultures have legends about half-vampire children. Why is this only apparently happening in Brazil? Oh well, the Cullens ignore this thought if they even have it and decide to figure out when to go.
And then I do believe our plot is shyly peeking around the corner here! We are reminded that the Volturi remember the promise Edward and Bella made and are eager to see her soon to make sure that she was indeed vampirized. Huh, you'd think that with running all of the vampire world they'd have more things to worry about than one chick in Forks. Maybe one of the Volturi specializes in keeping track of humans who know their secret and have to be either killed or transformed.
The Volturi reminder comes in the form of Aro's wedding gift to Bella, which is of course ridiculously expensive and over-the-top.
"The gift was presented in an ornately carved, ancient wooden box inlaid with gold and mother-of-pearl, ornamented with a rainbow of gemstones. Alice said the box itself was a priceless treasure, that it would have outshone just about any piece of jewelry besides the one inside it.
'I always wondered where the crown jewels disappeared to after John of England pawned them in the thirteenth century,' Carlisle said. 'I suppose it doesn't surprise me that the Volturi have their share.'
The necklace was simple-gold woven into a thick rope of a chain, almost scaled, like a smooth snake that would curl close around the throat. One jewel hung suspended from the rope: a white diamond the size of a golf ball."
ZeldaQueen: So apparently Bella is so important to them that they're sending her one of the crown jewels of England as a wedding present. Interesting. Ah well, I guess we could argue that Aro's trying to impress Alice, Carlisle, and Edward who he totally is in love with. And I love how Carlisle is just like "huh, the crown jewels. Interesting". Bella instantly starts freaking out over the fact that the Volturi want to see her and I fail to see why. She's a vampire, isn't she? And not only that, but she's got fantastic self-control which means that they can't even pretend that she's too unstable to let live or anything. Edward of course gets all upset at the thought of Bella going alone to Italy. Dude! I repeat, she's a vampire! She can take care of herself for a change! Plus, she points out, there's no reason for her to be hurt! I guess you could argue that Edward is worried that Aro would see her great self-control and decide that he wants to recruit her, but he hasn't been able to force any of the other Cullens so why would he force her? She ought to be able to show up, go "Yo, I'm a vampire" and go home. Bella also has a good point (I think this is a sign of the apocalypse) that it's definitely not good to let the Volturi come to America. She just doesn't want them to see Renesmee and covet her. I personally think it's bad news to draw the most bloodthirsty and dangerous vampires to Forks, where her father lives!!!
Alice goes searching through her visions of the future for anything useful. Everything is dismissed as useless, including the thought that Irina might be stopping down to pay a visit. Of course, not like that's going to be useful, right? Ha ha!
Oh, and we find out that Bella's still working on roughing up her voice so she can get in contact with Renee. So she's not totally dumping her mom.
Well we've got the low-down on the past three months and caught up to Bella purchasing her ticket to Italy.
We jump to Bella, Renesmee, and Jacob out hunting - my God, stay away you idiot! - where we find out that Jacob wants to go to Brazil with the others. Bella reminds him that he has duties and obligations to his pack and Jake waves it away by saying that he's not their nanny. You're not Renesmee's either! You're not connected to her at all! We know you can't ignore anything remotely related to your infant smoochy-poo, but there are such things as "responsibilities" in this world and everyone in this series seems determined to ignore them! Speaking of which, the reason why Jake has been able to be hanging around here so much? He's taking a "sabbatical" from high school. I'm sorry, on what grounds? I don't think schools would accept "protecting an underage girlfriend from various supernatural potential deaths while carry and feeding and playing peek-a-boo with her" as a good reason.
Jacob and Renesmee go running off to find an elk to munch on and Bella stays behind, reflecting on how she will argue for Jake to be allowed to come, since he "had as big a stake in this as any of us". Um Bella? No he doesn't! He's not the kid's parents, he's not related to her at all, he's certainly not of age to be in a romantic relationship, no court in the world would agree with that. Well, thankfully that train of thought is cut as Bella suddenly notices the pale marble skin and golden eyes of a vampire staring at her through the forest. She correctly guesses that Irina decided to pay that visit after all. Who woulda thunk it? At that very moment they hear Jacob howl and Irina looks pained. Bella decides that it must be because of how she is friendly with Jake - a werewolf - when werewolves were the ones who killed her beloved Laurent. As soon as this is decided, Irine runs off and Bella goes tearing after Jake and Renesmee. She tells us that "vengeance was a common obsession with vampires". Because humans never go off trying to avenge the loss of loved ones. She finds her daughter and...well Jake just in time for us to hear Renesmee saying "“Mine is bigger"...
DO. NOT. WANT!!!!!
Well the pair are actually deciding who made the bigger kill and are curious as to why Bella is being so frantic. She calls Edward and tells him what's going on and Edward and Carlisle go out to find Irina. Of course, they keep going on about how this is all about her sadness over the loss of Laurent (how long did he live with her clan anyway?)
ZeldaQueen: And the chapter ends with Bella taking Renesmee back inside and figuring that since the hunting trip didn't work out, she'll have to cave in and feed her daughter donated human blood. You know Bella, you could just feed the little brat people food. She is able to eat that apparently.
ZeldaQueen: Why, I do believe that some semblance of plot has come a'sniffing around! Stay tuned - or don't - to find out exactly how this will play out!
Onward to: Chapter 28: The Future
Back to: Chapter 26: Shiny
Return to: Table of Contents