Hush, Hush Redux: Chapter 2 - Part 1
ZeldaQueen: When we last left off, Patch was a creepy fucker and Nora was infuriatingly dense about it.
Ket: Doesn’t that sum up the whole book?
ZeldaQueen: More or less.
Projection Room Voices: Starting Media in 3...2...1...
Chapter 2 - Part 1
Now, with the start of this chapter, we’re going to notice an issue Fitzpatrick has with writing. We left off the last chapter with Nora telling us how Coach refused to change her seating. This is the start of the next chapter.
“My mom and I live in a drafty eighteenth-century farmhouse on the outskirts of Coldwater. It's the only house on Hawthorne Lane, and the nearest neighbors are almost a mile away. I sometimes wonder if the original builder realized that out of all the plots of land available, he chose to construct the house in the eye of a mysterious atmospheric inversion that seems to suck all the fog off Maine's coast and transplant it into our yard. The house was at this moment veiled by gloom that resembled escaped and wandering spirits.
I spent the evening planted on a stool in the kitchen in the company of algebra homework and Dorothea, our housekeeper.”
ZeldaQueen: Say, Ket! What sort of natural progression do you see between “I’m stuck sitting next to a creepy asshole at school” and “Let me tell you about the house I live in with my mom”?
Ket: None.
ZeldaQueen: Precisely! This isn’t the worst it gets, but Ms. Fitzpatrick has an irritating tendency to start off new chapters with paragraphs that have zip-all to do with following up on what just happened. At least the first chapter had some closure to justify a drastic topic jump, but we’re going to see chapters that end with Nora running for her life and jump to her complaining about homework and such. It’s more than a little difficult to take the scary situations seriously like that.
Ket: And didn’t we mention in the last chapter that Nora’s family is poor? How can they afford a housekeeper?
ZeldaQueen: That’s a running bit of Informed Flaw that Nora’s family is dirt-poor. We’ll at least see the justification that the housekeeper is inexpensive (however improbable that may be), but they also own two cell phones at least (one for Nora and one as a “spare” of sorts), Nora owns a cello, and she and Vee are able to constantly eat out for lunch.
Now this is most likely the same issue Meyer had, that Fitzpatrick genuinely has no idea how a person on a fixed income has to live. I would like to note something, though. One of the things Fitzpatrick always talks about loving and citing as an early literary inspiration is the Trixie Belden series. According to TV Tropes…
“Trixie lives in a sheltered small town, with an intact, stable family, in nice farmhouse with farm property. Her father is the bank manager, her mother is a homemaker. The family is said to be poor, but they never face any financial difficulties or shortage of food or clothing, and they can afford to give four teenagers five dollars a week each (this was established in 1951. With inflation, that's over forty dollars per teen each week).”
ZeldaQueen: So yeah, I can’t help but wonder if that contribute to Fitzpatrick’s idea of what a “poor” family lives like. Granted she doesn’t have the family living off of steak and potatoes like with Bella, but it still comes and goes as convenient.
Ket: I’ve never read that series, but I call bullshit, as someone who is dirt poor. Even if her mother works three jobs, which some single mothers have to do, there is no way that she could spare the money for a housekeeper. It doesn’t matter how cheap she is.
ZeldaQueen: Well, Nora’s mother definitely doesn’t work three jobs. She has one job “for the Hugo Renaldi Auction Company, coordinating estate and antique auctions all along the East Coast”. Now granted I’m not sure how much that would pay, but I suspect “enough to make ends meet” is not exactly likely. I could understand if there was some mention of insurance money from the father’s death, but there’s nothing on that.
Ket: That’s impossible to say without know what her job title is. She could just be a secretary or work in the mail room.
ZeldaQueen: We don’t really know what she does, just that she has to constantly be out of town for it and that her boss tends to call her in on weekends to do things like run the copying machine.
Ket: It’s hard to find a sales coordinator job specifically for antiques, but I assume that’s what she is. But since she is called in to do ridiculous things like run a copier, I’d lean towards her being her boss’s assistant.
ZeldaQueen: Makes about as much sense as anything.
We’re told that Dorothea, who of course has a slightly Germanic accent and only just stops short on the stereotype stick of reminiscing about the Old Country, is charged with cooking and cleaning for Nora. Nora also suspects that Dorothea is supposed to be keeping an eye on her.
Ket: I’m just glad she’s not Latino, since that’s the stereotype. Interestingly enough, I’ve worked at three different hotels and we’ve had zero Latino housekeepers. Every other ethnicity, but never Latino. People always ask me about whether or not our housekeepers are “American” and it pisses me off. I always reply that they live here, so yes.
ZeldaQueen: I don’t think the Latino population on the East coast is as high as other parts of the United States, really. Of course, I’m not sure why Dorothea has to fall into the foreign housekeeper role at all. There are housekeepers who don’t have accents or use stilted sentences, you know. Hell, I’m sure Nora’s mom could have paid someone in the town of Coldwater to stop in every so often and check on her daughter!
Ket: Or asked a friend or relative to do it. Nora is old enough that she can cook for herself.
ZeldaQueen: I don’t think Nora has any other relatives besides her mom. If she does, they aren’t mentioned. She does mention her mom having friends in a yoga class though, so there’s that. And in the future books, Dorothea does get fired and yeah, Nora is able to fix her own meals and live on her own just fine. It’s like Fitzpatrick wrote the first book thinking that it would be too unbelievably negligent for someone to leave their teenage daughter at home alone, but then realized that having an adult around hampered having people attacking her in her own house.
As Dorothea does the dishes, she asks Nora how school was. We’re also given the pointless detail that her “upper arm jiggled”, which I really don’t care about.
Ket: I can only assume it’s to tell us that she’s flabby, or that she’s old and her skin is loose.
ZeldaQueen: I get the impression that it’s the former. Nora tells Dorothea about the change in seating, because...uh, that’s the most interesting thing that happened, I guess. Dorothea asks what the new partner is like, and we get to see Nora lose the few marbles she started with.
"’He's tall, dark, and annoying.’ And eerily closed off. Patch's eyes were black orbs. Taking in everything and giving away nothing. Not that I wanted to know more about Patch. Since I hadn't liked what I'd seen on the surface, I doubted I'd like what was lurking deep inside.
Only, this wasn't exactly true. I'd liked a lot of what I'd seen. Long, lean muscles down his arms, broad but relaxed shoulders, and a smile that was part playful, part seductive. I was in an uneasy alliance with myself, trying to ignore what had started to feel irresistible.”
ALL WOMEN ARE LUSTFUL: 3
ZeldaQueen: Drink that in, people. Drink it in.
Ket: Uh. I know my memory isn’t the best, but I don’t recall her swooning over his looks at any point in that scene. Or even really mentioning them, except when they scared her.
ZeldaQueen: Nope. Not unless you count that cowboy-walk or whatever the fuck it was. But notice what she’s feeling irresistible - the way he looks. He’s been nothing but a tool to her. He’s scared her. And yet he’s hot and that’s the start of her attraction to him.
I know deeper love can be sparked by physical attraction, folks. But those cases require the love interest to have something to back up the looks to justify a deeper romance developing. Patch doesn’t have that. He’s the equivalent of trying to pet a tiger because isn’t it pretty as it bites your head off?
Ket: *Bitterly* Unless you’re reading “50 Shades”.
ZeldaQueen: *pats* At least that’s nearly over and done with. :(
Ket: Not soon enough!
ZeldaQueen: Aw. D: *hugs*
Ket: *Hugs* thanks
ZeldaQueen: Well, that marks the end of this section. Really, that’s the entire point - to discuss how Nora now thinks that Patch is hawt. We jump to nine o’clock at night, as Dorothea drives off. Nora is fussy and restless because remember how she told Patch she’d never call him about that damned assignment? Guess what? She’s having second thoughts. Who would ever have guessed?
Ket: *Sighs* if she didn’t, we would have no story. Which is fine with me, but come on. We knew better.
ZeldaQueen: What makes me pissed is how insignificant it is. It’s a basic homework assignment. I could have kicked that sort of thing off in homeroom! And we established that she has more than enough information to write “observations” about Patch. Hell, even if she skipped it entirely, I can’t believe her grade would take a bit hit.
But nooooo, she can’t do that because Fitzpatrick set up her class situation in the most contrived way ever. The reason Nora’s so freaked out, you see, is because “Biology was my toughest subject. My grade tottered problematically between A and B. In my mind, that was the difference between a full and half scholarship in my future.”
*steeples fingers* Hey, Ket? Take a guess as to how important her precious scholarship is, after this chapter.
Ket: Not at all, because she throws her entire life away for this prick?
ZeldaQueen: Oh, that decision doesn’t come until the second book. She just completely forgets about the scholarship between now and then.
Like with Meyer, Fitzpatrick doesn’t seem to realize what all goes into getting a scholarship. You don’t just do a great job with schoolwork and get handed one. You need to fulfill specific requirements, depending on what the scholarship is for, and apply for it. Nora hasn’t, nor ever will, tell us what scholarship she is aiming for, what the requirements for it are, or even which school it’s for.
HAND HOLDING: 11
Ket: Aren’t her grades not stellar, anyway?
ZeldaQueen: Not a damned clue. The only classes we actually see her taking are Biology and PE (which she hates for no real reason, but we’re not told what her actual grades are in it). We see her syllabus in a later book, but never actually hear what her grades are like.
The upshot is, this is all the most pointless and stupid way possible to ensure that Nora meets with Patch again. Fitzpatrick might as well have had her go for a nighttime jog to clear her head and almost have Patch run her over with his motorcycle.
Ket: Or have her fall in the doorway of his workplace.
ZeldaQueen: At this point, I think that is the lesser contrived situation. Very difficult to judge, though.
Also, I realize I’m an oddball, but am I the only one wondering why Nora decided to address this issue at nine at night? I was always taught that you shouldn’t really call someone, especially someone you don’t know well, that late unless it’s an emergency.
Ket: I used to do phone surveys, and we could call up until 10 PM. Nearly everyone that answered would bitch me out for calling so late. I don’t call people after eight unless I’ve been given permission to call later.
ZeldaQueen: Yeah, for all she knows, he’s in bed. Of course we’ll find out he isn’t.
Nora decides to take her chances and call, thinking “Secretly I hoped Patch didn't answer my call. If he was unavailable or unco-operative on assignments, it was evidence I could use against him to convince Coach to undo the seating chart”.
WHAT DO YOU CALL THE EVENTS OF ENTIRE CLASS PERIOD, YOU TWIT?
Ket: Nora is far too stupid to call attention to it. So she’s going to do something even stupider.
OUR INTREPID HEROINE: 11
ZeldaQueen: Right. She goes ahead and calls Patch. He picks up naturally, and she tries to sound as businesslike as possible while trying to explain that she wants to get the assignment done. How does he respond?
“‘Nora.’ Patch said my name like it was the punch line to a joke. ‘Thought you weren't going to call. Ever.’”
JERKASS EXTRAORDINAIRE: 16
ZeldaQueen: Why you smug motherfucker!
Ket: Patch, go sit on a pike. Pointy-end up.
ZeldaQueen: Why do people like this guy? This isn’t playful teasing! This is him stacking the deck and mocking her when the predicted results ensue!
Nora is all humilated, which happens a disturbing number of times across the series. She asks Patch if they might meet for the assignment and he says he can’t because he’s playing a game of pool. And Nora notes that “I heard the smile in his voice”. In other words, he distracted her so she couldn’t do the assignment in-class, gave her his number so she’d call, then made sure he was busy so she couldn’t actually do the assignment if she did call. What a class act!
JERKASS EXTRAORDINAIRE: 17
Ket: *Fuming* How can anyone find this attractive?! He’s not a “sexy bad boy”-- he’s just a bastard!
ZeldaQueen: But he’s hawt, remember? Don’t the generic descriptions of his dark eyes and lean physique make your heart go a-quiver? Doesn’t hearing about his muscular body fill you with womanly feelings?
Ket: *Stone-faced* no.
ZeldaQueen: Me neither. Glad to know I’m not the only one.
So Nora asks where he is, and he tells her that he’s at some place called “Bo's Arcade”. He tells her that it’s not a place she’d like to hang out at, and we’re just going to have to take his word about that for now because we’re told jack-shit what Bo’s is like.
Ket: So, as you’re probably able to guess, Nora is about to go alone, at night, to meet a man she barely knows but is actively stalking her, scares her, and comes off as dangerous.
ZeldaQueen: And while it hasn’t been mentioned, she’s meeting him in a bar where people have been stabbed.
Ket: Even better!
ZeldaQueen: In this series, if it’s a pool hall, chances are it’s treated like a 1940s gangster hangout.
In any case, Nora has an actual sensible response - she tells Patch that they can have an interview over the phone. He hangs up on her mid-sentence.
JERKASS EXTRAORDINAIRE: 18
WHY THE FUCK ARE WE SUPPOSED TO LIKE HIM???
Ket: *Wearily* you already said why--he’s “hot”.
ZeldaQueen: I know, I know! *hits head against the wall*
Nora actually does get pissed off at that enough that she does exactly what we’d been telling her to do from the start - she grabs a sheet of paper and begins writing observations on Patch’s unflattering behavior towards her. Unfortunately all she comes up with is “Jerk”.
Ket: I can think of quite a few more: rude, creepy, childish, no sense of personal space, stalker, uncooperative, probably smokes cigars…
ZeldaQueen: Of all the ones you listed, Nora picks up on that last one and writes “ Smokes cigars. Will die of lung cancer. Hopefully soon”. She then follows this up with “Excellent physical shape”. Because that’s all that matters to a woman, amirite?
ALL WOMEN ARE LUSTFUL: 4
I also think that was somehow supposed to be funny, so…
LAUGH, GODDAMMIT: 4
Because it’s funny that she’s so hot and bothered over his hawtness that she forgets that he’s stalking her! Good thing her creepy stalker love interest is hawt, or she might be bothered by the stalking!
Ket: Honestly, the “will die of cancer. Hopefully soon.” bit did amuse me, but it’s sucked away when I have the knowledge that these two are getting together anyway.
ZeldaQueen: Especially since it’ll be drudged up soon for even more komedy.
Nora scribbles over the last comment she writes, which we all know means that she’s just being all tsundere and not that she’s come to her senses. If this were an anime, besides hoping that Nora would eventually turn into a magical girl and vaporize Patch, I’d be expecting to hear her mutter the cliched “It’s not like I like him or anything...Jerk…”
OUR INTREPID HEROINE: 12
Seriously, Nora, grow a backbone!
Ket: *Grimly* if this were an anime, there would be even more sexual assault, and Nora screaming “kyaa! Onegai tasukete!” in a high-pitched voice.
ZeldaQueen: To be fair, it’d depend on which anime it was. If it were, for instance, Sailor Moon, not only would Nora kick Patch’s ass, but Vee would actually be a good, supportive friend and help her. In fact, Sailor Moon’s prequel series, Codename: Sailor V, had the titular Sailor V/Sailor Venus crushing on a handsome upperclassman who seemed to return the affections...until it turned out he was a demon who got girls to fall for him because he fed on their love. Sailor V not only defeated him, but kept a hair ribbon (something he brought up while flirting with her) because screw it, she thought it looked good.
Ket: Yes, but if it were an anime based on this book, I’d fully expect Patch to grope her on the subway.
ZeldaQueen: Ohhhh, yeah, that’s true. He’s pretty much a textbook Bastard Boyfriend.
One pointless mention about the time on the microwave clock later, Nora is weighing her options. The best she figures, her choices are to fake the assignment or go alone to a dangerous bar to talk to a guy who she doesn’t like and who creeped her out while displaying an intimate knowledge of her personal habits. Gee, I wonder which one she’s going to end up doing! Ket? What do you think?
Ket: Well, when I did management training, one of the phrases we were taught was “past behavior predicts future performance”. If that’s indeed true, Nora will do the dumbest thing possible.
ZeldaQueen: Indeed! She decides that as much as she’d love to take Door Number 1 and fake everything, Coach is somehow going to check all of this for authenticity and she “didn't know enough about Patch to bluff my way through a whole interview”.
Ket: Nora, what makes you think that if you go down to meet him, he’s going to talk to you this time?!
OUR INTREPID HEROINE: 13
ZeldaQueen: For that matter, why does she even think this amount of pursuit is necessary?!? She already expressed a desire for Patch to be uncooperative in the assignment as an argument for a seating change! He’s being fucking uncooperative, you twit!!! JUST STAY HOME AND TELL THE TEACHER!!!
OUR INTREPID HEROINE: 14
Ket: Even if what you have is not satisfactory, if you tell Coach, “he refuses to answer my questions and wanted me to meet him alone in a bar, which I’m not comfortable with. This is all I was able to get”. Much as I would like Nora to hold a gun to his head, it wouldn’t help.
OUR INTREPID HEROINE: 15
ZeldaQueen: Uh… that brings up a point that’s been bugging me. She doesn’t seem to think what she had before was satisfactory? Well, what the hell are the requirements for this assignment? Does she have to ask a certain number of questions? Fill out a certain page length? I know how teachers do assignments varies, but I’d imagine most high school teachers would know to set some bar, or else guaranteed, almost every student would turn in a crumpled page with three one-word observations. As it is right now, how do we know that “Jerk, smokes, will get lung cancer, is attractive, speaks English” ISN’T sufficient to pass the assignment?
Ket: I don’t recall him saying anything beyond interviewing your seatmate for...some goddamn reason. Which has nothing to do with reproduction, unless you’re trying to show that if both of you play video games, you’re destined to be.
ZeldaQueen: In that case…
SAY WHAT?: 15
Ket: And even if you DO have a lot of things in common, it doesn’t automatically equal chemistry. The opposite is true as well; I’m a gamer, and my Owner couldn’t care less about them. He likes golf, and it makes me snore.
ZeldaQueen: In other words, it’s a pointless assignment that has no relevance to the subject at hand and it actively encourages someone to be crude and make Nora uncomfortable. Why does she never consider that she has strong grounds to take this to the principal or superintendent? Or threaten to sue Coach?
Ket: Because she’s as sharp as a spoon.
ZeldaQueen: True.
On one final note, Nora is underage and Patch is asking her to meet him in a bar. Wouldn’t that be illegal?
Ket: I can’t find the laws for Maine, but here in Michigan, you can’t be in a bar after 9PM if you’re under 21 (unless the place you’re at gives you a wristband or marks your hand with a red X). Patch shouldn’t be 21 either.
ZeldaQueen: We’ll discuss that issue in a second. For now though, not only is Patch uncooperative, but he’s trying to get her to meet him somewhere which is probably illegal. It’s late at night and she’s not 21. All she has to do is tell Coach “I called him like he asked, he hung up on me, and he was in a bar. I couldn’t legally go there to personally interview him.” But of course, this doesn’t occur to her.
OUR INTREPID HEROINE: 16
Ket: Zelda, we should really stop hoping that she’s going to do anything logical.
ZeldaQueen: *pained* I know, I know! I just hate when characters are so rock-stupid, especially if they’re meant to be clever! Fitzpatrick went on about how inspired she was by Trixie Belden and nancy Drew, and I’m pretty sure she wanted Nora to be a detective like them! Nora never gets any smarter though, and she’s so STUPID! *flails*
Ket: *Pets* there, there. It’s too early in this story to go bananas.
ZeldaQueen: I know. *deep breath* *pulls herself together* Right.
There’s more pointless padding as Nora decides to call her mother. The phone call itself is just her summing up that she’s going to do her homework and go to bed. What comes with it though is a thing of beauty.
“Part of our agreement for her working and traveling so much was that I act responsibly and not be the kind of daughter who required constant supervision. I liked my freedom, and I didn't want to do anything to give my mom a reason to take a pay cut and get a local job to keep an eye on me.”
ZeldaQueen: Oh lordy, where to begin?
Ket: Wasn’t that the point of having a housekeeper?
ILL LOGIC: 23
ZeldaQueen: That’s right. Nora’s mom was spending money - which is supposed to be tight for them - on having a woman stop by every day to cook and clean and keep an eye on Nora!
Of course, the way that’s worded is just weird. If Nora really was the sort of daughter who didn’t need supervision, it wouldn’t be necessary to sit her down and come up with an arrangement like that. If she wasn’t, then she wouldn’t stick to the agreement.
ILL LOGIC: 24
SAY WHAT?: 16
Ket: Also, Gehayi pointed out to me that Nancy Drew ALSO had a German housekeeper.
ZeldaQueen: That’s right, Hannah. I didn’t remember that she was German, though. It actually made sense for the series though, partially because the Drews weren’t supposed to be dirt-poor and partially because Mrs. Drew was dead from unspecified circumstances and Mr. Drew was presumably out a lot for his job as an attorney. Given that Nancy doesn’t remember her birth mother at all and considers Hannah her mother, it’s implied that Hannah basically helped raise her.
Ket: And yes, her mom is out of the house as well and her father is dead, but if they’re supposed to be this poor, they shouldn’t be able to afford her, like I said before. Nora has a car. I assume she can cook for herself. As long as her mom left her a credit card or something for groceries and emergencies, she should be fine.
ZeldaQueen: That’s how it goes in the rest of the books, yeah.
But what I find particularly insane about that quote is that Nora is telling us how she promised her mom she’d be well-behaved… as she is clearly revving up to head off to a bar to meet a guy who should, by all rights, be in jail. What the fuck? It probably goes without saying, but that quote is to this series as Bella’s “I don’t like to lie to my dad” is to Twilight.
Ket: Why call at all, when it’s just to lie to her?
ZeldaQueen: Because then Mom might worry while Nora’s out doing dangerous stuff, and it would be unfeeling to do that to her!
ILL LOGIC: 25
Ket: But how the hell would she know if Nora didn’t tell her?!
ZeldaQueen: Look, Nora’s mom basically has all the presence of a housecat, and Nora’s about as affectionate to her as the plot demands. In other words, damned if I know why they interact the way they do.
Ket: *Groans and rubs face* fuck it. Let’s just keep going.
ZeldaQueen: Right. After all of this, Nora decides the best thing to do is… flip a quarter to decide if she should go to see Patch or not. Because “[b]est to leave complicated decisions to fate”.
LAUGH, GODDAMMIT: 5
Ket: Yes, let’s not involve logic or thought in this!
ZeldaQueen: Good to see the thought process of our consulting detective here.
OUR INTREPID HEROINE: 17
We then get the most baffling description of a coin toss that I’ve ever read.
“’Heads I go,’ I told George Washington's profile, ‘tails I stay.’ I flipped the quarter in the air, flattened it to the back of my palm, and dared a peek. My heart squeezed out an extra beat, and I told myself I wasn't sure what it meant.
‘It's out of my hands now,. I said.”
ZeldaQueen: Erm, the fuck? Was it just me, or did that paragraph not actually say what the result of the coin flip was?
SAY WHAT?: 17
Ket: She said this before, but isn’t the back of the palm just the back of your hand?
ZeldaQueen: You’re right. Describing it that way makes it sound like she somehow stuck the coin inside of her hand!
SAY WHAT?: 18
And given how little we have to go off of there, Nora, we aren’t sure what that extra beat means either. Fitzpatrick no doubt meant for it to indicate that your heart went a-flutter at the thought of seeing Patch again, but I’ve felt my heart have a similar reaction when I’m afraid of going somewhere or seeing somebody.
Ket: She says that she’s telling herself she doesn’t know why, which means that she doesn’t, but refuses to admit it. However, she still doesn’t clarify for us which it is.
ZeldaQueen: Well, whatever the reason, she sets off. She also takes a map with her, which strikes me as a bit… off. I know it’s possible she and her mom can’t afford a GPS (though that kind of goes against them being able to afford a housekeeper), but she does have a computer and the internet. Wouldn’t most teenagers in this day and age use Google Maps or the like and write down the directions, instead of having to use an entire map?
Ket: That’s what I did before I had GPS.
ZeldaQueen: The map or the internet?
Ket: The internet, but to be fair, I’m shit at reading maps.
ZeldaQueen: I can’t remember the last time I used maps in my own town. I used one when I went to South Carolina with my dad, but that was before he got a GPS and needed me to read the street names as he drove. Even if I’m walking anywhere, it’s more convenient for me to use the internet for a direct route. I’m also pretty sure it’d be difficult to drive while trying to use a map.
SAY WHAT?: 19
We then get a pointless description of Nora’s Alleged Car.
“The car had probably been cute in 1979, but I wasn't wild about the chocolate brown paint, the rust spreading unchecked across the back fender, or the cracked white leather seats.”
ZeldaQueen: You know, the fans simply don’t get why people keep insisting this is a Twilight knock-off.
Ket: Nora, shut the fuck up and stop your whining. I didn’t even get to have a car in high school. And one of my first had the ceiling liner falling out, cigarette burns on the upholstery, and one of the doors wouldn’t open.
ZeldaQueen: And again, Nora and her mom are supposed to be poor! They have TWO CARS, one of which is just for Nora when she doesn’t need one! Yes it’s convenient, but that doesn’t mean anything if there isn’t the money for it! I’ve never owned my own car, so guess what? I work around the public transportation schedules and make sure I plan for enough time to walk wherever it is I’m going. Nora could just as easily do that!
Ket: That depends on her city. In the one I grew up in, the public transport sucked and didn’t run past 9PM.
ZeldaQueen: That’s true. Still, we’ll see that Nora really doesn’t go out on her own and usually hitches rides from others when her car isn’t available. In any case, she heads off to Bo’s. She helpfully informs us that “Bo's Arcade turned out to be farther away than I would have liked, nestled close to the coast, a thirty-minute drive”, and this is where I remind you of what I said earlier, about how it’s tough to know just where things in this fictional town are. We at least are given a time for how long it takes her to get there. Since we have no clue where the coast is in relationship to her house, saying it’s “farther away than [she] would have liked” doesn’t really mean much!
Ket: Hell, we don’t even know where her town is in relation to the coast, so it means even less.
ZeldaQueen: Oh, and remember my ranting a bit ago about how bringing a map makes no sense? Apparently she drives with it “flattened to the steering wheel”. Is it me, or does that sound like a really good way to crash into something?
Ket: And considering that it’s night time, she’d either have to drive with her overhead light on, or with a flashlight in her mouth.
ILL LOGIC: 26
She makes it to Bo’s, and we get a description of the place.
“I pulled the Fiat into a parking lot behind a large cinder-block building with an electric sign flashing BO'S ARCADE, MAD BLACK PAINTBALL & OZZ'S POOL HALL. Graffiti splashed the walls, and cigarette butts dotted the foundation. Clearly Bo's would be filled with future Ivy Leaguers and model citizens. I tried to keep my thoughts lofty and nonchalant, but my stomach felt a little uneasy. Double-checking that I'd locked all the doors, I headed inside.”
ZeldaQueen: Ah, so much fail. Where to begin? How about the fact that our only tip-off as to how “dangerous” this place is are the graffiti and cigarette butts?
ILL LOGIC: 27
Ket: Sounds like a normal bar to me, but I like how she’s being such a bitch about its patrons while knowing nothing about it.
ZeldaQueen: Right! I mean, it’s not like decent people like to spend a night out and relax with a drink or playing pool! Nope! Pool halls are the most hardcore and dangerous places you can go to! And that’s so not an exaggeration, given how they’re portrayed throughout this series. Paintball seems to be the same.
ILL LOGIC: 28
Also, how does one keep their thoughts “lofty”? I’ve heard of having a lofty attitude or ambitions, but not lofty thoughts. And while I know thoughts can be nonchalant, that… doesn’t really seem right for what Fitzpatrick’s going for. I get the sense Nora’s supposed to be thinking happy thoughts, but that doesn’t really fit that. Is it just me?
Ket: To me, keeping lofty thoughts makes me think that she’s trying to remember that she’s better than everyone here. That’s probably not what Fitzpatrick meant, but that’s how it came off to me.
ZeldaQueen: Well then...
SAY WHAT?: 21
She heads in and… oh Jesus. Apparently even though this is supposed to be the lowest, scummiest place around, it still has ropes around the entrance and people paying at the door to get in. *holds head* I confess I’ve never really gone to many pool halls/bars, but I’ve always thought that establishments that make one pay at the door like that tend to be a little fancier than the ones where you pay at the actual bar.
Ket: Depends, but I can say that I’ve never been to a dive that’s made me pay admission. And yes, most of them had pool tables. The worst place I can think of that I’ve been is Detroit City Club, where it’s better not to bring your own car, because there’s a good chance it’ll be broken into.
ZeldaQueen: I also don’t get what’s going on at the door. Nora tries to sneak in behind the group ahead of her, and the man there predictably stops her. For some reason, he’s referred to as a “cashier”. I always thought the people at the doors who checked incoming guests were called bouncers.
Ket: Depends on the bar. Some just have a person at the door. But I can’t imagine a place that has ropes and lines doesn’t have a bouncer.
ZeldaQueen: Him being called a “cashier” just strikes me as sounding weird. What, does he have a cash register at the door of this incredibly scuzzy bar and pool hall?
Ket: I’m going to hazard a guess that Fitzpatrick has never been to a dive.
ZeldaQueen: Likewise.
SAY WHAT?: 22
Anywho, the *cough* cashier asks Nora “Think you deserve a free ride?”, and I am reminded of the phrase “taken for a ride” which makes me laugh because I’m picturing this guy - described as a big, scary, tattoo-covered man - talking with a Cockney accent. The cashier informs Nora that she needs to pay fifteen bucks to get in, and she is furious with… uh, the seating chart. Not, you know, Patch, who has been going out of his way to make this whole thing as difficult for her as possible.
Ket: If she had a brain in her skull, she would tell Patch to fuck himself and go home.
ZeldaQueen: She clearly doesn’t, because she seems to think that if she could only get into the bar for two minutes and talk to Patch, he’d surely agree to go outside with her so she could hold the interview there. Because, you know, HE’S BEEN SO DAMNED COOPERATIVE ABOUT THIS ALL!!!
OUR INTREPID HEROINE: 18
God! She saw that he wasted all her time in class, he spends the night in a bar so she can’t meet him in person, and then hangs up on her while she tries to have a phone interview. Does she not get that he’s doing everything in his power to keep her from doing the assignment?!?
Ket: Clearly not. This is beyond the realm of “sexy bad boy”. Patch is just being a prick, and deliberately so.
Now at this point, one would think she’d try calling Patch and saying, “Hey, I’m outside Bo’s, just step outside for a minute so we can do this damned interview.” Or...I don’t know, is it possible to see if someone could bring Patch to the door? Instead, she tells us that she does something “completely out of character”, and since we’ve known her for all of two chapters, we’re just going to have to take her word on that.
HAND HOLDING: 12
Ket: If she was doing something completely out of character, she would have done what you said. Because that’s sensible.
Anywho, she ducks under the rope and runs past the cashier and into the arcade”.
Ket: Which should have gotten her caught and dragged out by her hair.
ZeldaQueen: Incidentally, I’ve never heard “arcade” used as a way to describe a bar or a pool hall. I think most people, especially teenagers, would use “arcade” to describe a place where you can play video games like Pac-Man and Space Invaders.
SAY WHAT?: 23
Ket: Wiki doesn’t even have a definition that implies a bar.
ZeldaQueen: Anyway, even though this is supposed to be a super-bad bar, Nora manages to get past and outrun the cashier.
Ket: And all of the other staff as well, apparently, because no one comes after her or calls the police.
ZeldaQueen: I don’t even get the impression that there are other staff members. Confusing matters, after Nora figures that Patch isn’t on the main floor (presumably the actual bar), she follows signs which point to “Ozz’s Pool Hall”. Which… means that the pool hall is a separate business from the bar? If that’s the case though, why do patrons pay to enter both the bar and the pool hall? What if they only want one or the other? I know some establishments are close together, but I have no idea what is going on here!
Ket: *Shrugs* it could be the same business with the pool hall inside of it...and named for some stupid reason.
ZeldaQueen: I guess so.
And we'll just take a break here, to steel our nerves for when we run into Patch again. Be ready, folks!
DID NOT DO THE RESEARCH - 6
SAY WHAT? - 23
ILL LOGIC - 28
JERKASS EXTRAORDINAIRE - 18
RELIGION FAIL - 3
HAND HOLDING - 12
ALL WOMEN ARE LUSTFUL - 4
LAUGH, GODDAMMIT - 5
FROM ASSHOLE TO NIGHTMARE - 8
OUR INTREPID HEROINE - 18
Onward to: Chapter 2 - Part 2
Back to: Chapter 1 - Part 2
Return to: Table Of Contents
Ket: Doesn’t that sum up the whole book?
ZeldaQueen: More or less.
Projection Room Voices: Starting Media in 3...2...1...
Chapter 2 - Part 1
Now, with the start of this chapter, we’re going to notice an issue Fitzpatrick has with writing. We left off the last chapter with Nora telling us how Coach refused to change her seating. This is the start of the next chapter.
“My mom and I live in a drafty eighteenth-century farmhouse on the outskirts of Coldwater. It's the only house on Hawthorne Lane, and the nearest neighbors are almost a mile away. I sometimes wonder if the original builder realized that out of all the plots of land available, he chose to construct the house in the eye of a mysterious atmospheric inversion that seems to suck all the fog off Maine's coast and transplant it into our yard. The house was at this moment veiled by gloom that resembled escaped and wandering spirits.
I spent the evening planted on a stool in the kitchen in the company of algebra homework and Dorothea, our housekeeper.”
ZeldaQueen: Say, Ket! What sort of natural progression do you see between “I’m stuck sitting next to a creepy asshole at school” and “Let me tell you about the house I live in with my mom”?
Ket: None.
ZeldaQueen: Precisely! This isn’t the worst it gets, but Ms. Fitzpatrick has an irritating tendency to start off new chapters with paragraphs that have zip-all to do with following up on what just happened. At least the first chapter had some closure to justify a drastic topic jump, but we’re going to see chapters that end with Nora running for her life and jump to her complaining about homework and such. It’s more than a little difficult to take the scary situations seriously like that.
Ket: And didn’t we mention in the last chapter that Nora’s family is poor? How can they afford a housekeeper?
ZeldaQueen: That’s a running bit of Informed Flaw that Nora’s family is dirt-poor. We’ll at least see the justification that the housekeeper is inexpensive (however improbable that may be), but they also own two cell phones at least (one for Nora and one as a “spare” of sorts), Nora owns a cello, and she and Vee are able to constantly eat out for lunch.
Now this is most likely the same issue Meyer had, that Fitzpatrick genuinely has no idea how a person on a fixed income has to live. I would like to note something, though. One of the things Fitzpatrick always talks about loving and citing as an early literary inspiration is the Trixie Belden series. According to TV Tropes…
“Trixie lives in a sheltered small town, with an intact, stable family, in nice farmhouse with farm property. Her father is the bank manager, her mother is a homemaker. The family is said to be poor, but they never face any financial difficulties or shortage of food or clothing, and they can afford to give four teenagers five dollars a week each (this was established in 1951. With inflation, that's over forty dollars per teen each week).”
ZeldaQueen: So yeah, I can’t help but wonder if that contribute to Fitzpatrick’s idea of what a “poor” family lives like. Granted she doesn’t have the family living off of steak and potatoes like with Bella, but it still comes and goes as convenient.
Ket: I’ve never read that series, but I call bullshit, as someone who is dirt poor. Even if her mother works three jobs, which some single mothers have to do, there is no way that she could spare the money for a housekeeper. It doesn’t matter how cheap she is.
ZeldaQueen: Well, Nora’s mother definitely doesn’t work three jobs. She has one job “for the Hugo Renaldi Auction Company, coordinating estate and antique auctions all along the East Coast”. Now granted I’m not sure how much that would pay, but I suspect “enough to make ends meet” is not exactly likely. I could understand if there was some mention of insurance money from the father’s death, but there’s nothing on that.
Ket: That’s impossible to say without know what her job title is. She could just be a secretary or work in the mail room.
ZeldaQueen: We don’t really know what she does, just that she has to constantly be out of town for it and that her boss tends to call her in on weekends to do things like run the copying machine.
Ket: It’s hard to find a sales coordinator job specifically for antiques, but I assume that’s what she is. But since she is called in to do ridiculous things like run a copier, I’d lean towards her being her boss’s assistant.
ZeldaQueen: Makes about as much sense as anything.
We’re told that Dorothea, who of course has a slightly Germanic accent and only just stops short on the stereotype stick of reminiscing about the Old Country, is charged with cooking and cleaning for Nora. Nora also suspects that Dorothea is supposed to be keeping an eye on her.
Ket: I’m just glad she’s not Latino, since that’s the stereotype. Interestingly enough, I’ve worked at three different hotels and we’ve had zero Latino housekeepers. Every other ethnicity, but never Latino. People always ask me about whether or not our housekeepers are “American” and it pisses me off. I always reply that they live here, so yes.
ZeldaQueen: I don’t think the Latino population on the East coast is as high as other parts of the United States, really. Of course, I’m not sure why Dorothea has to fall into the foreign housekeeper role at all. There are housekeepers who don’t have accents or use stilted sentences, you know. Hell, I’m sure Nora’s mom could have paid someone in the town of Coldwater to stop in every so often and check on her daughter!
Ket: Or asked a friend or relative to do it. Nora is old enough that she can cook for herself.
ZeldaQueen: I don’t think Nora has any other relatives besides her mom. If she does, they aren’t mentioned. She does mention her mom having friends in a yoga class though, so there’s that. And in the future books, Dorothea does get fired and yeah, Nora is able to fix her own meals and live on her own just fine. It’s like Fitzpatrick wrote the first book thinking that it would be too unbelievably negligent for someone to leave their teenage daughter at home alone, but then realized that having an adult around hampered having people attacking her in her own house.
As Dorothea does the dishes, she asks Nora how school was. We’re also given the pointless detail that her “upper arm jiggled”, which I really don’t care about.
Ket: I can only assume it’s to tell us that she’s flabby, or that she’s old and her skin is loose.
ZeldaQueen: I get the impression that it’s the former. Nora tells Dorothea about the change in seating, because...uh, that’s the most interesting thing that happened, I guess. Dorothea asks what the new partner is like, and we get to see Nora lose the few marbles she started with.
"’He's tall, dark, and annoying.’ And eerily closed off. Patch's eyes were black orbs. Taking in everything and giving away nothing. Not that I wanted to know more about Patch. Since I hadn't liked what I'd seen on the surface, I doubted I'd like what was lurking deep inside.
Only, this wasn't exactly true. I'd liked a lot of what I'd seen. Long, lean muscles down his arms, broad but relaxed shoulders, and a smile that was part playful, part seductive. I was in an uneasy alliance with myself, trying to ignore what had started to feel irresistible.”
ALL WOMEN ARE LUSTFUL: 3
ZeldaQueen: Drink that in, people. Drink it in.
Ket: Uh. I know my memory isn’t the best, but I don’t recall her swooning over his looks at any point in that scene. Or even really mentioning them, except when they scared her.
ZeldaQueen: Nope. Not unless you count that cowboy-walk or whatever the fuck it was. But notice what she’s feeling irresistible - the way he looks. He’s been nothing but a tool to her. He’s scared her. And yet he’s hot and that’s the start of her attraction to him.
I know deeper love can be sparked by physical attraction, folks. But those cases require the love interest to have something to back up the looks to justify a deeper romance developing. Patch doesn’t have that. He’s the equivalent of trying to pet a tiger because isn’t it pretty as it bites your head off?
Ket: *Bitterly* Unless you’re reading “50 Shades”.
ZeldaQueen: *pats* At least that’s nearly over and done with. :(
Ket: Not soon enough!
ZeldaQueen: Aw. D: *hugs*
Ket: *Hugs* thanks
ZeldaQueen: Well, that marks the end of this section. Really, that’s the entire point - to discuss how Nora now thinks that Patch is hawt. We jump to nine o’clock at night, as Dorothea drives off. Nora is fussy and restless because remember how she told Patch she’d never call him about that damned assignment? Guess what? She’s having second thoughts. Who would ever have guessed?
Ket: *Sighs* if she didn’t, we would have no story. Which is fine with me, but come on. We knew better.
ZeldaQueen: What makes me pissed is how insignificant it is. It’s a basic homework assignment. I could have kicked that sort of thing off in homeroom! And we established that she has more than enough information to write “observations” about Patch. Hell, even if she skipped it entirely, I can’t believe her grade would take a bit hit.
But nooooo, she can’t do that because Fitzpatrick set up her class situation in the most contrived way ever. The reason Nora’s so freaked out, you see, is because “Biology was my toughest subject. My grade tottered problematically between A and B. In my mind, that was the difference between a full and half scholarship in my future.”
*steeples fingers* Hey, Ket? Take a guess as to how important her precious scholarship is, after this chapter.
Ket: Not at all, because she throws her entire life away for this prick?
ZeldaQueen: Oh, that decision doesn’t come until the second book. She just completely forgets about the scholarship between now and then.
Like with Meyer, Fitzpatrick doesn’t seem to realize what all goes into getting a scholarship. You don’t just do a great job with schoolwork and get handed one. You need to fulfill specific requirements, depending on what the scholarship is for, and apply for it. Nora hasn’t, nor ever will, tell us what scholarship she is aiming for, what the requirements for it are, or even which school it’s for.
HAND HOLDING: 11
Ket: Aren’t her grades not stellar, anyway?
ZeldaQueen: Not a damned clue. The only classes we actually see her taking are Biology and PE (which she hates for no real reason, but we’re not told what her actual grades are in it). We see her syllabus in a later book, but never actually hear what her grades are like.
The upshot is, this is all the most pointless and stupid way possible to ensure that Nora meets with Patch again. Fitzpatrick might as well have had her go for a nighttime jog to clear her head and almost have Patch run her over with his motorcycle.
Ket: Or have her fall in the doorway of his workplace.
ZeldaQueen: At this point, I think that is the lesser contrived situation. Very difficult to judge, though.
Also, I realize I’m an oddball, but am I the only one wondering why Nora decided to address this issue at nine at night? I was always taught that you shouldn’t really call someone, especially someone you don’t know well, that late unless it’s an emergency.
Ket: I used to do phone surveys, and we could call up until 10 PM. Nearly everyone that answered would bitch me out for calling so late. I don’t call people after eight unless I’ve been given permission to call later.
ZeldaQueen: Yeah, for all she knows, he’s in bed. Of course we’ll find out he isn’t.
Nora decides to take her chances and call, thinking “Secretly I hoped Patch didn't answer my call. If he was unavailable or unco-operative on assignments, it was evidence I could use against him to convince Coach to undo the seating chart”.
WHAT DO YOU CALL THE EVENTS OF ENTIRE CLASS PERIOD, YOU TWIT?
Ket: Nora is far too stupid to call attention to it. So she’s going to do something even stupider.
OUR INTREPID HEROINE: 11
ZeldaQueen: Right. She goes ahead and calls Patch. He picks up naturally, and she tries to sound as businesslike as possible while trying to explain that she wants to get the assignment done. How does he respond?
“‘Nora.’ Patch said my name like it was the punch line to a joke. ‘Thought you weren't going to call. Ever.’”
JERKASS EXTRAORDINAIRE: 16
ZeldaQueen: Why you smug motherfucker!
Ket: Patch, go sit on a pike. Pointy-end up.
ZeldaQueen: Why do people like this guy? This isn’t playful teasing! This is him stacking the deck and mocking her when the predicted results ensue!
Nora is all humilated, which happens a disturbing number of times across the series. She asks Patch if they might meet for the assignment and he says he can’t because he’s playing a game of pool. And Nora notes that “I heard the smile in his voice”. In other words, he distracted her so she couldn’t do the assignment in-class, gave her his number so she’d call, then made sure he was busy so she couldn’t actually do the assignment if she did call. What a class act!
JERKASS EXTRAORDINAIRE: 17
Ket: *Fuming* How can anyone find this attractive?! He’s not a “sexy bad boy”-- he’s just a bastard!
ZeldaQueen: But he’s hawt, remember? Don’t the generic descriptions of his dark eyes and lean physique make your heart go a-quiver? Doesn’t hearing about his muscular body fill you with womanly feelings?
Ket: *Stone-faced* no.
ZeldaQueen: Me neither. Glad to know I’m not the only one.
So Nora asks where he is, and he tells her that he’s at some place called “Bo's Arcade”. He tells her that it’s not a place she’d like to hang out at, and we’re just going to have to take his word about that for now because we’re told jack-shit what Bo’s is like.
Ket: So, as you’re probably able to guess, Nora is about to go alone, at night, to meet a man she barely knows but is actively stalking her, scares her, and comes off as dangerous.
ZeldaQueen: And while it hasn’t been mentioned, she’s meeting him in a bar where people have been stabbed.
Ket: Even better!
ZeldaQueen: In this series, if it’s a pool hall, chances are it’s treated like a 1940s gangster hangout.
In any case, Nora has an actual sensible response - she tells Patch that they can have an interview over the phone. He hangs up on her mid-sentence.
JERKASS EXTRAORDINAIRE: 18
WHY THE FUCK ARE WE SUPPOSED TO LIKE HIM???
Ket: *Wearily* you already said why--he’s “hot”.
ZeldaQueen: I know, I know! *hits head against the wall*
Nora actually does get pissed off at that enough that she does exactly what we’d been telling her to do from the start - she grabs a sheet of paper and begins writing observations on Patch’s unflattering behavior towards her. Unfortunately all she comes up with is “Jerk”.
Ket: I can think of quite a few more: rude, creepy, childish, no sense of personal space, stalker, uncooperative, probably smokes cigars…
ZeldaQueen: Of all the ones you listed, Nora picks up on that last one and writes “ Smokes cigars. Will die of lung cancer. Hopefully soon”. She then follows this up with “Excellent physical shape”. Because that’s all that matters to a woman, amirite?
ALL WOMEN ARE LUSTFUL: 4
I also think that was somehow supposed to be funny, so…
LAUGH, GODDAMMIT: 4
Because it’s funny that she’s so hot and bothered over his hawtness that she forgets that he’s stalking her! Good thing her creepy stalker love interest is hawt, or she might be bothered by the stalking!
Ket: Honestly, the “will die of cancer. Hopefully soon.” bit did amuse me, but it’s sucked away when I have the knowledge that these two are getting together anyway.
ZeldaQueen: Especially since it’ll be drudged up soon for even more komedy.
Nora scribbles over the last comment she writes, which we all know means that she’s just being all tsundere and not that she’s come to her senses. If this were an anime, besides hoping that Nora would eventually turn into a magical girl and vaporize Patch, I’d be expecting to hear her mutter the cliched “It’s not like I like him or anything...Jerk…”
OUR INTREPID HEROINE: 12
Seriously, Nora, grow a backbone!
Ket: *Grimly* if this were an anime, there would be even more sexual assault, and Nora screaming “kyaa! Onegai tasukete!” in a high-pitched voice.
ZeldaQueen: To be fair, it’d depend on which anime it was. If it were, for instance, Sailor Moon, not only would Nora kick Patch’s ass, but Vee would actually be a good, supportive friend and help her. In fact, Sailor Moon’s prequel series, Codename: Sailor V, had the titular Sailor V/Sailor Venus crushing on a handsome upperclassman who seemed to return the affections...until it turned out he was a demon who got girls to fall for him because he fed on their love. Sailor V not only defeated him, but kept a hair ribbon (something he brought up while flirting with her) because screw it, she thought it looked good.
Ket: Yes, but if it were an anime based on this book, I’d fully expect Patch to grope her on the subway.
ZeldaQueen: Ohhhh, yeah, that’s true. He’s pretty much a textbook Bastard Boyfriend.
One pointless mention about the time on the microwave clock later, Nora is weighing her options. The best she figures, her choices are to fake the assignment or go alone to a dangerous bar to talk to a guy who she doesn’t like and who creeped her out while displaying an intimate knowledge of her personal habits. Gee, I wonder which one she’s going to end up doing! Ket? What do you think?
Ket: Well, when I did management training, one of the phrases we were taught was “past behavior predicts future performance”. If that’s indeed true, Nora will do the dumbest thing possible.
ZeldaQueen: Indeed! She decides that as much as she’d love to take Door Number 1 and fake everything, Coach is somehow going to check all of this for authenticity and she “didn't know enough about Patch to bluff my way through a whole interview”.
Ket: Nora, what makes you think that if you go down to meet him, he’s going to talk to you this time?!
OUR INTREPID HEROINE: 13
ZeldaQueen: For that matter, why does she even think this amount of pursuit is necessary?!? She already expressed a desire for Patch to be uncooperative in the assignment as an argument for a seating change! He’s being fucking uncooperative, you twit!!! JUST STAY HOME AND TELL THE TEACHER!!!
OUR INTREPID HEROINE: 14
Ket: Even if what you have is not satisfactory, if you tell Coach, “he refuses to answer my questions and wanted me to meet him alone in a bar, which I’m not comfortable with. This is all I was able to get”. Much as I would like Nora to hold a gun to his head, it wouldn’t help.
OUR INTREPID HEROINE: 15
ZeldaQueen: Uh… that brings up a point that’s been bugging me. She doesn’t seem to think what she had before was satisfactory? Well, what the hell are the requirements for this assignment? Does she have to ask a certain number of questions? Fill out a certain page length? I know how teachers do assignments varies, but I’d imagine most high school teachers would know to set some bar, or else guaranteed, almost every student would turn in a crumpled page with three one-word observations. As it is right now, how do we know that “Jerk, smokes, will get lung cancer, is attractive, speaks English” ISN’T sufficient to pass the assignment?
Ket: I don’t recall him saying anything beyond interviewing your seatmate for...some goddamn reason. Which has nothing to do with reproduction, unless you’re trying to show that if both of you play video games, you’re destined to be.
ZeldaQueen: In that case…
SAY WHAT?: 15
Ket: And even if you DO have a lot of things in common, it doesn’t automatically equal chemistry. The opposite is true as well; I’m a gamer, and my Owner couldn’t care less about them. He likes golf, and it makes me snore.
ZeldaQueen: In other words, it’s a pointless assignment that has no relevance to the subject at hand and it actively encourages someone to be crude and make Nora uncomfortable. Why does she never consider that she has strong grounds to take this to the principal or superintendent? Or threaten to sue Coach?
Ket: Because she’s as sharp as a spoon.
ZeldaQueen: True.
On one final note, Nora is underage and Patch is asking her to meet him in a bar. Wouldn’t that be illegal?
Ket: I can’t find the laws for Maine, but here in Michigan, you can’t be in a bar after 9PM if you’re under 21 (unless the place you’re at gives you a wristband or marks your hand with a red X). Patch shouldn’t be 21 either.
ZeldaQueen: We’ll discuss that issue in a second. For now though, not only is Patch uncooperative, but he’s trying to get her to meet him somewhere which is probably illegal. It’s late at night and she’s not 21. All she has to do is tell Coach “I called him like he asked, he hung up on me, and he was in a bar. I couldn’t legally go there to personally interview him.” But of course, this doesn’t occur to her.
OUR INTREPID HEROINE: 16
Ket: Zelda, we should really stop hoping that she’s going to do anything logical.
ZeldaQueen: *pained* I know, I know! I just hate when characters are so rock-stupid, especially if they’re meant to be clever! Fitzpatrick went on about how inspired she was by Trixie Belden and nancy Drew, and I’m pretty sure she wanted Nora to be a detective like them! Nora never gets any smarter though, and she’s so STUPID! *flails*
Ket: *Pets* there, there. It’s too early in this story to go bananas.
ZeldaQueen: I know. *deep breath* *pulls herself together* Right.
There’s more pointless padding as Nora decides to call her mother. The phone call itself is just her summing up that she’s going to do her homework and go to bed. What comes with it though is a thing of beauty.
“Part of our agreement for her working and traveling so much was that I act responsibly and not be the kind of daughter who required constant supervision. I liked my freedom, and I didn't want to do anything to give my mom a reason to take a pay cut and get a local job to keep an eye on me.”
ZeldaQueen: Oh lordy, where to begin?
Ket: Wasn’t that the point of having a housekeeper?
ILL LOGIC: 23
ZeldaQueen: That’s right. Nora’s mom was spending money - which is supposed to be tight for them - on having a woman stop by every day to cook and clean and keep an eye on Nora!
Of course, the way that’s worded is just weird. If Nora really was the sort of daughter who didn’t need supervision, it wouldn’t be necessary to sit her down and come up with an arrangement like that. If she wasn’t, then she wouldn’t stick to the agreement.
ILL LOGIC: 24
SAY WHAT?: 16
Ket: Also, Gehayi pointed out to me that Nancy Drew ALSO had a German housekeeper.
ZeldaQueen: That’s right, Hannah. I didn’t remember that she was German, though. It actually made sense for the series though, partially because the Drews weren’t supposed to be dirt-poor and partially because Mrs. Drew was dead from unspecified circumstances and Mr. Drew was presumably out a lot for his job as an attorney. Given that Nancy doesn’t remember her birth mother at all and considers Hannah her mother, it’s implied that Hannah basically helped raise her.
Ket: And yes, her mom is out of the house as well and her father is dead, but if they’re supposed to be this poor, they shouldn’t be able to afford her, like I said before. Nora has a car. I assume she can cook for herself. As long as her mom left her a credit card or something for groceries and emergencies, she should be fine.
ZeldaQueen: That’s how it goes in the rest of the books, yeah.
But what I find particularly insane about that quote is that Nora is telling us how she promised her mom she’d be well-behaved… as she is clearly revving up to head off to a bar to meet a guy who should, by all rights, be in jail. What the fuck? It probably goes without saying, but that quote is to this series as Bella’s “I don’t like to lie to my dad” is to Twilight.
Ket: Why call at all, when it’s just to lie to her?
ZeldaQueen: Because then Mom might worry while Nora’s out doing dangerous stuff, and it would be unfeeling to do that to her!
ILL LOGIC: 25
Ket: But how the hell would she know if Nora didn’t tell her?!
ZeldaQueen: Look, Nora’s mom basically has all the presence of a housecat, and Nora’s about as affectionate to her as the plot demands. In other words, damned if I know why they interact the way they do.
Ket: *Groans and rubs face* fuck it. Let’s just keep going.
ZeldaQueen: Right. After all of this, Nora decides the best thing to do is… flip a quarter to decide if she should go to see Patch or not. Because “[b]est to leave complicated decisions to fate”.
LAUGH, GODDAMMIT: 5
Ket: Yes, let’s not involve logic or thought in this!
ZeldaQueen: Good to see the thought process of our consulting detective here.
OUR INTREPID HEROINE: 17
We then get the most baffling description of a coin toss that I’ve ever read.
“’Heads I go,’ I told George Washington's profile, ‘tails I stay.’ I flipped the quarter in the air, flattened it to the back of my palm, and dared a peek. My heart squeezed out an extra beat, and I told myself I wasn't sure what it meant.
‘It's out of my hands now,. I said.”
ZeldaQueen: Erm, the fuck? Was it just me, or did that paragraph not actually say what the result of the coin flip was?
SAY WHAT?: 17
Ket: She said this before, but isn’t the back of the palm just the back of your hand?
ZeldaQueen: You’re right. Describing it that way makes it sound like she somehow stuck the coin inside of her hand!
SAY WHAT?: 18
And given how little we have to go off of there, Nora, we aren’t sure what that extra beat means either. Fitzpatrick no doubt meant for it to indicate that your heart went a-flutter at the thought of seeing Patch again, but I’ve felt my heart have a similar reaction when I’m afraid of going somewhere or seeing somebody.
Ket: She says that she’s telling herself she doesn’t know why, which means that she doesn’t, but refuses to admit it. However, she still doesn’t clarify for us which it is.
ZeldaQueen: Well, whatever the reason, she sets off. She also takes a map with her, which strikes me as a bit… off. I know it’s possible she and her mom can’t afford a GPS (though that kind of goes against them being able to afford a housekeeper), but she does have a computer and the internet. Wouldn’t most teenagers in this day and age use Google Maps or the like and write down the directions, instead of having to use an entire map?
Ket: That’s what I did before I had GPS.
ZeldaQueen: The map or the internet?
Ket: The internet, but to be fair, I’m shit at reading maps.
ZeldaQueen: I can’t remember the last time I used maps in my own town. I used one when I went to South Carolina with my dad, but that was before he got a GPS and needed me to read the street names as he drove. Even if I’m walking anywhere, it’s more convenient for me to use the internet for a direct route. I’m also pretty sure it’d be difficult to drive while trying to use a map.
SAY WHAT?: 19
We then get a pointless description of Nora’s Alleged Car.
“The car had probably been cute in 1979, but I wasn't wild about the chocolate brown paint, the rust spreading unchecked across the back fender, or the cracked white leather seats.”
ZeldaQueen: You know, the fans simply don’t get why people keep insisting this is a Twilight knock-off.
Ket: Nora, shut the fuck up and stop your whining. I didn’t even get to have a car in high school. And one of my first had the ceiling liner falling out, cigarette burns on the upholstery, and one of the doors wouldn’t open.
ZeldaQueen: And again, Nora and her mom are supposed to be poor! They have TWO CARS, one of which is just for Nora when she doesn’t need one! Yes it’s convenient, but that doesn’t mean anything if there isn’t the money for it! I’ve never owned my own car, so guess what? I work around the public transportation schedules and make sure I plan for enough time to walk wherever it is I’m going. Nora could just as easily do that!
Ket: That depends on her city. In the one I grew up in, the public transport sucked and didn’t run past 9PM.
ZeldaQueen: That’s true. Still, we’ll see that Nora really doesn’t go out on her own and usually hitches rides from others when her car isn’t available. In any case, she heads off to Bo’s. She helpfully informs us that “Bo's Arcade turned out to be farther away than I would have liked, nestled close to the coast, a thirty-minute drive”, and this is where I remind you of what I said earlier, about how it’s tough to know just where things in this fictional town are. We at least are given a time for how long it takes her to get there. Since we have no clue where the coast is in relationship to her house, saying it’s “farther away than [she] would have liked” doesn’t really mean much!
Ket: Hell, we don’t even know where her town is in relation to the coast, so it means even less.
ZeldaQueen: Oh, and remember my ranting a bit ago about how bringing a map makes no sense? Apparently she drives with it “flattened to the steering wheel”. Is it me, or does that sound like a really good way to crash into something?
Ket: And considering that it’s night time, she’d either have to drive with her overhead light on, or with a flashlight in her mouth.
ILL LOGIC: 26
She makes it to Bo’s, and we get a description of the place.
“I pulled the Fiat into a parking lot behind a large cinder-block building with an electric sign flashing BO'S ARCADE, MAD BLACK PAINTBALL & OZZ'S POOL HALL. Graffiti splashed the walls, and cigarette butts dotted the foundation. Clearly Bo's would be filled with future Ivy Leaguers and model citizens. I tried to keep my thoughts lofty and nonchalant, but my stomach felt a little uneasy. Double-checking that I'd locked all the doors, I headed inside.”
ZeldaQueen: Ah, so much fail. Where to begin? How about the fact that our only tip-off as to how “dangerous” this place is are the graffiti and cigarette butts?
ILL LOGIC: 27
Ket: Sounds like a normal bar to me, but I like how she’s being such a bitch about its patrons while knowing nothing about it.
ZeldaQueen: Right! I mean, it’s not like decent people like to spend a night out and relax with a drink or playing pool! Nope! Pool halls are the most hardcore and dangerous places you can go to! And that’s so not an exaggeration, given how they’re portrayed throughout this series. Paintball seems to be the same.
ILL LOGIC: 28
Also, how does one keep their thoughts “lofty”? I’ve heard of having a lofty attitude or ambitions, but not lofty thoughts. And while I know thoughts can be nonchalant, that… doesn’t really seem right for what Fitzpatrick’s going for. I get the sense Nora’s supposed to be thinking happy thoughts, but that doesn’t really fit that. Is it just me?
Ket: To me, keeping lofty thoughts makes me think that she’s trying to remember that she’s better than everyone here. That’s probably not what Fitzpatrick meant, but that’s how it came off to me.
ZeldaQueen: Well then...
SAY WHAT?: 21
She heads in and… oh Jesus. Apparently even though this is supposed to be the lowest, scummiest place around, it still has ropes around the entrance and people paying at the door to get in. *holds head* I confess I’ve never really gone to many pool halls/bars, but I’ve always thought that establishments that make one pay at the door like that tend to be a little fancier than the ones where you pay at the actual bar.
Ket: Depends, but I can say that I’ve never been to a dive that’s made me pay admission. And yes, most of them had pool tables. The worst place I can think of that I’ve been is Detroit City Club, where it’s better not to bring your own car, because there’s a good chance it’ll be broken into.
ZeldaQueen: I also don’t get what’s going on at the door. Nora tries to sneak in behind the group ahead of her, and the man there predictably stops her. For some reason, he’s referred to as a “cashier”. I always thought the people at the doors who checked incoming guests were called bouncers.
Ket: Depends on the bar. Some just have a person at the door. But I can’t imagine a place that has ropes and lines doesn’t have a bouncer.
ZeldaQueen: Him being called a “cashier” just strikes me as sounding weird. What, does he have a cash register at the door of this incredibly scuzzy bar and pool hall?
Ket: I’m going to hazard a guess that Fitzpatrick has never been to a dive.
ZeldaQueen: Likewise.
SAY WHAT?: 22
Anywho, the *cough* cashier asks Nora “Think you deserve a free ride?”, and I am reminded of the phrase “taken for a ride” which makes me laugh because I’m picturing this guy - described as a big, scary, tattoo-covered man - talking with a Cockney accent. The cashier informs Nora that she needs to pay fifteen bucks to get in, and she is furious with… uh, the seating chart. Not, you know, Patch, who has been going out of his way to make this whole thing as difficult for her as possible.
Ket: If she had a brain in her skull, she would tell Patch to fuck himself and go home.
ZeldaQueen: She clearly doesn’t, because she seems to think that if she could only get into the bar for two minutes and talk to Patch, he’d surely agree to go outside with her so she could hold the interview there. Because, you know, HE’S BEEN SO DAMNED COOPERATIVE ABOUT THIS ALL!!!
OUR INTREPID HEROINE: 18
God! She saw that he wasted all her time in class, he spends the night in a bar so she can’t meet him in person, and then hangs up on her while she tries to have a phone interview. Does she not get that he’s doing everything in his power to keep her from doing the assignment?!?
Ket: Clearly not. This is beyond the realm of “sexy bad boy”. Patch is just being a prick, and deliberately so.
Now at this point, one would think she’d try calling Patch and saying, “Hey, I’m outside Bo’s, just step outside for a minute so we can do this damned interview.” Or...I don’t know, is it possible to see if someone could bring Patch to the door? Instead, she tells us that she does something “completely out of character”, and since we’ve known her for all of two chapters, we’re just going to have to take her word on that.
HAND HOLDING: 12
Ket: If she was doing something completely out of character, she would have done what you said. Because that’s sensible.
Anywho, she ducks under the rope and runs past the cashier and into the arcade”.
Ket: Which should have gotten her caught and dragged out by her hair.
ZeldaQueen: Incidentally, I’ve never heard “arcade” used as a way to describe a bar or a pool hall. I think most people, especially teenagers, would use “arcade” to describe a place where you can play video games like Pac-Man and Space Invaders.
SAY WHAT?: 23
Ket: Wiki doesn’t even have a definition that implies a bar.
ZeldaQueen: Anyway, even though this is supposed to be a super-bad bar, Nora manages to get past and outrun the cashier.
Ket: And all of the other staff as well, apparently, because no one comes after her or calls the police.
ZeldaQueen: I don’t even get the impression that there are other staff members. Confusing matters, after Nora figures that Patch isn’t on the main floor (presumably the actual bar), she follows signs which point to “Ozz’s Pool Hall”. Which… means that the pool hall is a separate business from the bar? If that’s the case though, why do patrons pay to enter both the bar and the pool hall? What if they only want one or the other? I know some establishments are close together, but I have no idea what is going on here!
Ket: *Shrugs* it could be the same business with the pool hall inside of it...and named for some stupid reason.
ZeldaQueen: I guess so.
And we'll just take a break here, to steel our nerves for when we run into Patch again. Be ready, folks!
DID NOT DO THE RESEARCH - 6
SAY WHAT? - 23
ILL LOGIC - 28
JERKASS EXTRAORDINAIRE - 18
RELIGION FAIL - 3
HAND HOLDING - 12
ALL WOMEN ARE LUSTFUL - 4
LAUGH, GODDAMMIT - 5
FROM ASSHOLE TO NIGHTMARE - 8
OUR INTREPID HEROINE - 18
Onward to: Chapter 2 - Part 2
Back to: Chapter 1 - Part 2
Return to: Table Of Contents