Hush, Hush Redux: Chapter 1 - Part 2
ZeldaQueen: We continue on through Chapter 1, where we see the most bizarre homework assignment ever be used as an excuse to get the leading couple together.
Projection Room Voices: Starting Media in 3...2...1...
Chapter 1 - Part 2
ZeldaQueen: Coach continues to make no sense.
"'Tomorrow, bring a write-up of your discoveries, and believe me, I'm going to check for authenticity. This is biology, not English, so don't even think about fictionalizing your answers. I want to see real interaction and teamwork.' There was an implied 'Or else.'”
ZeldaQueen: Oh lordy.
For starters, this is a rather half-assed assignment. How long does he even want the write-up to be? Guaranteed, half that class will have half a page maximum, because high schoolers can be lazy asses if not told otherwise.
ILL LOGIC: 12
Ket: Also, teenagers can be very secretive and private, especially around people they don’t know. So you’re not going to get a lot of deep material.
ILL LOGIC: 13
ZeldaQueen: Which leads to the next question, how the hell is Coach going to be “checking for authenticity”? Sure, he’ll call bullshit if someone says their partner is secretly a mutant space alien, but how will he know whether or not someone actually swallowed a quarter when they were five
ILL LOGIC: 14
Ket: And again, what’s the bloody point? Zelda, I could interview you and ask about your favorite colors and movies and whateverthefuck, but it won’t tell me anything about reproduction.
ZeldaQueen: Not unless Coach was trying to make some crude sexual compatibility quiz for the internet.
ILL LOGIC: 15
ZeldaQueen: Also, Coach? English class teaches the importance of nonfiction writing as well as fiction. In fact, when I was in high school, I had to write far more papers on events in my life or on research of various topics than fictional topics.
DID NOT DO THE RESEARCH: 3
My, that’s quite a lot of fail for one brief bit of dialogue
Nora turns back to Patch and decides that since she already tried to be friendly she’s just going to make the first move. Enjoy this brief moment of her acting sane towards his jerkass demeanor. After now, she’ll basically keep caving in and insisting on interacting with him when it’s far more sensible to walk the other way.
Ket: Also, who told people that it’s a good idea to have one of your romantic leads be a totally cockwaffle and the other slowly be okay with that? It makes me want to punch writers in the taint when I see it.
ZeldaQueen: This was interestingly touched upon in this post on rape culture which, surprise, surprise, features this book as a prime example of it.
Ket: Please tell me it also includes Twilight and 50 Shades.
ZeldaQueen: It touches on Twilight, mostly pointing out how this book takes many cues from it and manages to be worse since Twilight doesn’t even seem aware that it’s got horrific things in it, but everyone in this book does note the creepy factors and go with them anyway (“hipster sexism” is the term used to describe this). 50 Shades isn’t brought up, but I think that’s because the author hadn’t read it. She mostly focused on YA literature, including Nina Malkins’s Swoon. The author sums it all up nicely by pointing out how this gets applied even to older romances (note that she doesn’t think the romances themselves promote this necessarily, but that what fans get from it does).
“The complication is that so often, in Twilight, Swoon, Hush, Hush, Vampire Academy, and countless romances dating back to Pride & Prejuidice and Pamela, we're asked to accept that the outward facade of ‘I dislike you immensely’ masks a subtle underlying attraction. Certainly Pamela has to go to extreme lengths to get her would-be rapist to accept that she does not want to be raped, no, really, no, please no. Darcy is so led astray by Lizzie's attempts to be polite to him in all of their mutual social interactions that he assumes she's welcoming his attentions, when really she would welcome a chance to serve him a restraining order on behalf of everyone she knows. And of course Pamela was an attempt to show the proper way for a young lady to maintain her respectability and the boundaries of politeness while still struggling to maintain her virtue (whereupon she's rewarded by getting to marry her rapist!); while Pride & Prejudice is the model for 200 years of love-hate relationships, and it's generally argued that Lizzy is attracted to Darcy the entire time.
The cumulative effect of all this is that girls grow up learning all about how to behave politely to unwanted suitors, just as the Fugitivus article points out. At the same time, girls also learn that girls' stories--by which i mean stories who have girls' development and growth as their center and focus-- usually go like this:
If a girl is politely distant to a guy (Lizzie Bennet), it means she wants to sleep with him.
If a girl resists a suitor who's trying to take her down a peg or two (Taming of the Shrew), it means she wants to sleep with him.
If the girl manifests a desire to be single (Emma), it means she wants to sleep with him.
If a girl demonstrates outright hatred of a boy by breaking a chalk slate over his head (oh, Anne <3333), it means she wants to sleep with him.
I would never in a million years want to rob the world of the love that is Anne/Gilbert or Lizzie/Darcy or Emma/Knightley. But my point is that when faced with all of the evidence that supports the idea of girls eventually submitting to guys, when faced with the fact that stories about girls typically end in girls falling in love with guys, then it's really hard not to read Hush, Hush as sitting at the extreme end of an ongoing societal fantasy in which women go through character arcs of various types that inevitably end in heteronormative sexual relationships. The end result? No always means yes. Yes always means yes. No, No, No, always means yes.”
Ket: Very well-said. And it’s especially dangerous in young adult books, because it teaches girls that when a guy is being an asshole, is abusive, is controlling, it just means that he wants what’s best for you. It also shows that being in a relationship is the most important thing ever, instead of building a life and pursuing your dreams.
ZeldaQueen: It also shows that the subtle art of standing your ground is lost in there. For example, so many people think Lizzie should have married Darcy with his first proposal, but she held off on throwing herself into his arms until he explained why he did the insulting actions she was angry with him for and then saved her family from disgrace. Even then, when he proposes the second time, he makes it clear that if she says now, he’ll leave her alone if that’s what she wants. The same with Anne Shirley and Gilbert Blythe - she is angry with him for being rude about her appearance, and is depicted as being excessive because she holds the grudge after he apologizes multiple times and asks to be friends with her, not because she got mad to begin with!
Ket: Which is what drives me fucking bananaballs about 50 Shades. Christian stalks Ana and doesn’t care about her feelings or wants. He never offers to leave her alone--when she tries to get away from him to think, he just follows her! That’s not love or caring--it’s treating her like a possession that he doesn’t want to get too far out of his sight.
ZeldaQueen: And the same with Patchy-boy here. He never is sorry for what he does to Nora. She never points out that he puts her life in danger several times. But that’s for later, and as much as I’d prefer to talk about how Pride & Prejudice and Anne of Green Gables did romances right, we need to spork this book here. *pouts*
Ket: *Sighs* if we must.
ZeldaQueen: Now, where did we leave off at? Ah yes, Nora takes one whiff of Patch and somehow is able to instantly tell that he smells of cigar smoke, even though she’s supposed to be a squeaky-clean good-girl and probably has never smelled a cigar in her life.
Ket: Eh, she could have a relative that smokes them, but I’m lifting an eyebrow because I’d have to imagine at least one teacher would say something about him smelling like cigars.
ILL LOGIC: 16
ZeldaQueen: It seems unlikely, though. The only family Nora appears to have is her mother and, previously, her father, neither who are stated to smoke. In fact, in the sequel, Nora’s mom knows her daughter was in a bar because she smelled smoke on her, and gets pissed.
Ket: Which, by the way, isn’t possible because of Maine’s public smoking laws, but we’ll get to that when it comes up.
ILL LOGIC: 17
ZeldaQueen: Right. So Nora just sort of stares at the clock, waiting for this guy to talk to her, and laments how “[a]t this rate [she] would fail”. Fail what? This is a fucking in-class assignment? How many points can this stupid thing be worth? Five? Ten?
Ket: Even if it’s worth a quarter of her grade, the only thing she would have to do is go to the Coach and say, “my partner is uncooperative and refuses to do the assignment with me”. If the Coach gave her shit, I’d go to the principal next.
ZeldaQueen: *weakly laughs* We’ll see how well that situation works out. Still, this situation is damned stupid.
ILL LOGIC: 18
One point for her thinking this thing is worth so much of her grade and another for somehow thinking she’d be blamed for something her partner was doing. (Yes we know better, but Nora doesn’t.)
So while Nora sits there like a bump on a log, she hears Patch writing something. She’s curious as to what it is, because “Ten minutes of sitting together didn't qualify him to make any assumptions about me”. *stares* Are you high, or just extremely unimaginative? I can look to the right and stare at the water bottle right next to me and ten minutes would be plenty of time to make observations about it!
Ket: Well, he knows enough about you to know that you don’t have the spine to attempt to make him talk!
ZeldaQueen: He can also make assumptions about her based on the quality and style of clothes she wears, the way she wears her hair, her nervous tics, and that’s just to name a few! No wonder we’re going to see Nora sucking as a detective. Her observational skills are clearly shot to shit!
*rubs temples* So yeah, she goes on to ask him what he’s writing. Instead of telling her and actually including her in their team-based work though, he reads out loud his latest point, that she speaks English.
JERKASS EXTRAORDINAIRE: 8
Also, if “she speaks English” is a quality observation, I have to wonder how it’s taking Nora this long to get anything down.
Ket: How about “unfriendly and sarcastic”? There’s two right there.
ZeldaQueen: “Quiet and withdrawn”. There’s two more! “Smokes cigars”, there’s another. Hell, you could turn it around and say “he speaks English” as well! But no, instead of doing that, Nora tries to lean in and see what this guy wrote. He responds by folding the paper over so she can’t read it.
JERKASS EXTRAORDINAIRE: 9
When Nora again asks him what he wrote, he responds by taking her unused sheet of paper, crumpling it into a ball, and throwing it into the trash can.
JERKASS EXTRAORDINAIRE: 10
What a dreamboat.
Ket: I know this is my solution to a lot of problems, but it fits here: punch him.
ZeldaQueen: How I wish we could. Also, is it just me, or was that last dick move just...weird? I mean, I think most asshole high schoolers would make a face or give a smartass retort or even just pointedly move so she couldn’t see the list. Who crumples up a blank sheet of paper and throws it away? Am I wrong in thinking that’s just...I don’t know, off?
SAY WHAT?: 7
Ket: I’ve mentioned that I’m a shy kid, but even I would have said “what the hell was that for?”. It just irritates me that Nora does nothing but think about what an asshole he is.
ZeldaQueen: Yeah, that’s not going to be changing anytime soon. The only times she calls him out on being a dick, it’s either during a hella creepy situation (and she instantly starts snogging him) or she’s so horrible herself that it’s impossible to enjoy it.
Nora is understandably shocked by that random move, but decides to just get out another piece of paper and ask him his name. He gives her another “dark grin”, which “seemed to dare me to pry anything out of him”. Why does this not sound out of place in a teen horror movie? Oh, and when Nora repeats the question, she even hears her voice faltering. So this isn’t just normal assholery, he’s scaring her. And he’s the romantic lead!
Ket: *Rubs eyes* I really want to just Spatula the shit out of him until he stops smiling.
ZeldaQueen: I’d like to introduce him to Cyborg 004.
ZeldaQueen: Not only can he out-snark Patch, but he can shoot him with both the gun built into his hand and the rocket launcher built into his leg. I fail to see how anyone would lose in that situation.
Ket: I’d like to introduce him to an angel blade. In the liver.
ZeldaQueen: Ohhhh, yes!
Next… well, next I propose we spork. Because it’s just line after line after line of Patch being a horrific jerk and quoting will not do it justice. Shall we?
"Call me Patch. I mean it. Call me."
ZeldaQueen: *sings* Call me Efrem Zimbalist, get me Bobby Kennedy…
He winked when he said it, and I was pretty sure he was making fun of me.
Ket: No shit. I gathered that just because he’s a jerk.
JERKASS EXTRAORDINAIRE: 11
ZeldaQueen: Erm, was that supposed to be flirty? Or funny, for that matter? Because I was neither turned on nor amused.
LAUGH, GODDAMMIT: 2
SAY WHAT?: 8
Because I suspect Fitzpatrick was trying to go for some pick-up line, but instead just called to mind the old “Take my wife...please!” joke.
Ket: Well, she did say that she thought he was making fun of her, and I’m guessing it’s supposed to be a pick-up line, yeah, but it totally falls flat.
"What do you do in your leisure time?" I asked.
ZeldaQueen: (Patch) “I wear my mother’s dress and eat livers with fava beans and a nice glass of chianti.”
Ket: He WISHES he had the charm and personality of Hannibal Lectre!
"I don't have free time."
ZeldaQueen: Probably because he’s too busy stalking her. (And Christ Almighty, but I wish I was making that up.)
"I'm assuming this assignment is graded, so do me a favor?"
ZeldaQueen: Uh, Nora, that might not be a lie. There are teenagers who have very busy schedules or who don’t like being idle. Granted I could see it being suspect because I’m sure she wouldn’t have seen Patch around the school much so him being in a lot of clubs or on sports teams is unlikely, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t do things outside of school. For example, we later learn he has a job at a restaurant.
Ket: Spoilers: he does fuckall.
He leaned back in his seat, folding his arms behind his head. "What kind of favor?"
ZeldaQueen: *flatly* Ha ha, it is to laugh.
LAUGH, GODDAMMIT: 3
Ket: Don’t agree, Nora! It will involve your tender buttmeat!
ZeldaQueen: This line, incidentally, becomes a great deal creepier after reading a part in Crescendo, where he says he’s keeping a tab of all the favors she owes him, and intends to collect on them in one go.
I was pretty sure it was an innuendo, and I grappled for a way to change the subject.
ZeldaQueen: “I was pretty sure it was an innuendo”? Noooo, you think? Gee Nora, you’re definitely the top of your class!
Ket: Nora, the only way it could be more obviously innuendo is if he actually SAID “sexual favor”!
ZeldaQueen: On a somewhat more nitpicky note, “an innuendo”? Uh… don’t most people just say “it was innuendo”?
Ket: I guess “an innuendo” is technically correct, but it sounds funny to my ear.
ZeldaQueen: Then let’s count it up.
SAY WHAT?: 9
And for him harassing her like this,
JERKASS EXTRAORDINAIRE: 12
"Free time," he repeated thoughtfully. "I take pictures."
ZeldaQueen: I’d make a joke about them being shot through Nora’s bathroom window, but...uh… just read on.
I printed Photography on my paper.
ZeldaQueen: Somewhat nitpicky note again, but shouldn’t “photography” be in quotes, since it’s what she’s writing down?
Ket: Yes, it should be. And there’s no reason for it to be capitalized, either.
SAY WHAT?: 11
"I wasn't finished," he said.
ZeldaQueen: That means jack shit, Patch. You just said you take pictures. That means that photography is a valid thing she discovered about you. You revealing what a creeper you are about it isn’t changing that fact.
Ket: And he is a creeper.
"I've got quite a collection going of an eZine columnist who believes there's truth in eating organic, who writes poetry in secret, and who shudders at the thought of having to choose between Stanford, Yale, and ... what's that big one with the H?"
Ket: *Brightly* So! It’s time for a new count! Yes, Patch is a jerk, but it was suggested to us that we include a count for when he goes way beyond jerk. There’s a trope called “from nobody to nightmare”, where someone who was of little importance becomes a terror. Since Patch isn’t a nobody, we decided on:
FROM ASSHOLE TO NIGHTMARE: 3
ZeldaQueen: Here it is, folks. Feast your eyes. One point for him all but outright stating that he’s been stalking Nora. One point is for him actually claiming that he has been secreting taking photographs of her. The last point is for something we covered in the prologue, where he mentally tortured Chauncey to get what he wanted.
Now that the counts are out of the way, let us rant. Ket? Do you want to begin, or shall I?
Ket: Ladies first.
ZeldaQueen: Right. Shall we start with the highly disturbing fact that Fitzpatrick appears to be unaware of exactly how horrifying this little exchange is? People, this is slasher movie material. He isn’t teasing her. He isn’t being a jerk. He isn’t wearing black and smelling of cigarettes and pulling her ponytail and engaging in underage drinking. HE IS SITTING THERE, IN THE MIDDLE OF THE CLASSROOM, SMUGLY TELLING HER THAT HE HAS BEEN STALKING HER AND TAKING PICTURES OF HER.
This is supposed to be the start of their “romance”. And no, this isn’t supposed to be like Bella Swan, who fell in love with Edward almost instantly. But what this is meant to be is a slap-slap-kiss romance, which starts out with Nora being weirded out by Patch, only to warm up to him.
I will say this next part in all caps, to make sure it properly is expressed. ALL ASPIRING WRITERS TAKE NOTE. YOU DO NOT BEGIN ROMANCES WITH ONE OF YOUR LEADS ANNOUNCING THAT HE HAS BEEN STALKING THE OTHER AND DESCRIBING THE DIRTY LITTLE DETAILS HE LEARNED IN THE PROCESS.
Not to mention, everything up there is pretty much an informed attribute. We never see her write poetry. We never see her worry about college. In fact, she gives up on the idea of college disturbingly quickly, later on. We also never see her working on columns for the eZine or worrying about eating organic. This is lazy characterization at its finest.
HAND HOLDING: 5
One for every informed quality about Nora.
Ket: Actually, the part that really pissed me off, besides what you already ranted about, of course, comes here:
I stared at him a moment, shaken by how dead on he was. I didn't get the feeling it was a lucky guess. He knew. And I wanted to know how right now.
"But you won't end up going to any of them."
"I won't?" I asked without thinking.
Ket: Right here, because she’s stupid enough to play into his game. He’s already admitted that he’s stalking her, cares nothing about her privacy, and enjoys freaking her out. If Nora had a brain in her skull, she should have gotten up out of her chair, left the room, and reported to the principal that she was feeling stalked and unsafe. If he refused to listen, go to the principal.
We see a minimal, minimal effort on her part to react to this. She thinks he’s a jerk, but that’s about it. This is not how a normal human would react! I am sick to DEATH of this book, Twilight, and 50 Shades making stalking okay and romantic. It’s fucking bullshit. I’ve been stalked, and the only thing I felt was terror. Stalking isn’t an act of love--it’s an act of obsession and of control.
ZeldaQueen: I get the very disturbing feeling that Nora isn’t reacting properly because Fitzpatrick doesn’t get how horrific this is. Like I said, she seems to think this is the start of a weird but sweet romance.
Of course, there’s also the key word in there, “brain”. Nora clearly doesn’t have one, given that she’s acting like it’s incredible deduction to figure out that Patch didn’t magically guess her hobbies from a crystal ball. I mean, “He knew. And I wanted to know how right now”? Honey. Unless you want specifics, you should be able to have a general idea! HE’S BEEN FOLLOWING YOU!!!
SAY WHAT?: 12
For Nora not registering at all that Patch knows this stuff because he was stalking her.
JERKASS EXTRAORDINAIRE: 13
For Patch smugly taunting her with how he’s been spying on her and then telling her how he knows her future actions because he just knows her so well.
HAND HOLDING: 6
Yes, Nora. Thank you for walking us through the fact that Patch didn’t use an ouiji board or some such to figure out your hobbies. We never would have known, otherwise.
And last but not least,
FROM ASSHOLE TO NIGHTMARE: 4
Do you really need an explanation for that one?
He hooked his fingers under the seat of my chair, dragging me closer to him.
ZeldaQueen: HOLY SHIT DO NOT WANT!!!
Ket: Punch him! Punch ‘nads, Nora!
FROM ASSHOLE TO NIGHTMARE: 5
Not sure if I should scoot away and show fear, or do nothing and feign boredom, I chose the latter.
ZeldaQueen: Aaaand here is where Nora’s thought process goes to shit. Or even shittier, as the case may be. Nora. Honey. Baby. Those are not your only options.
Ket: Yes. Like punching him in the dick and running screaming out of the room!
ZeldaQueen: Or getting up and telling the teacher what he’s doing. Or saying “Move back and give me space” just loud enough to let the rest of the room know he’s being a creeper.
This is going to be something of a recurring theme in the book, sad to say. That article I linked to above? It mentions another article which sums Nora’s behavior up nicely:
"Women who are taught not to speak up too loudly or too forcefully or too adamantly or too demandingly are not going to shout “NO” at the top of their goddamn lungs just because some guy is getting uncomfortably close.
Women who are taught not to keep arguing are not going to keep saying “NO.”
Women who are taught that their needs and desires are not to be trusted, are fickle and wrong and are not to be interpreted by the woman herself, are not going to know how to argue with “but you liked kissing, I just thought…”
Women who are taught that physical confrontations make them look crazy will not start hitting, kicking, and screaming until it’s too late, if they do at all.
Women who are taught that a display of their emotional state will have them labeled hysterical and crazy (which is how their perception of events will be discounted) will not be willing to run from a room disheveled and screaming and crying.
Women who are taught that certain established boundaries are frowned upon as too rigid and unnecessary are going to find themselves in situations that move further faster before they realize that their first impression was right, and they are in a dangerous room with a dangerous person.
Women who are taught that refusing to flirt back results in an immediately hostile environment will continue to unwillingly and unhappily flirt with somebody who is invading their space and giving them creep alerts."
Ket: I’m really tired of popular books with limp, spineless heroines. It doesn’t make me relate to the character and root for their romance; it makes me want to punch the smug son-of-a-bitch love interest in the face and drop the heroine into a self-defense class.
ZeldaQueen: Agreed, and in… well, not honor but something, I propose another count - OUR INTREPID HEROINE.
OUR INTREPID HEROINE: 3
So now we can keep track of exactly how much Nora lets people walk over her and/or is so mind-boggingly stupid that people clearly take advantage of her. I'm throwing in two points from earlier, one where she does fuck-all to tell the teacher that her partner isn't cooperating and one where she stupidly plays along with what's obviously a ploy to lead her in the discussion. Isn’t this going to be fun?
Ket: *Bashes face against the wall.*
He said, "Even though you'd thrive at all three schools, you scorn them for being a cliche of achievement. Passing judgment is your third biggest weakness."
Ket: Is that supposed to make her sound...hipster-y? Like big name schools are too cliche for her?
ZeldaQueen: I think it’s supposed to show how much he knows about her. Oh look, he is able to know what her weaknesses are and knows she’d do great at the three biggest name schools around and knows she doesn’t want to take them and why. Doesn’t he have such a deep understanding of her? You know, because he’s been stalking her?
FROM ASSHOLE TO NIGHTMARE: 6
Of course, given how stupid Nora is, I find the claim that she’d “thrive” at all three highly doubtful. Not to mention, Nora’s never going to show “scorn” for “cliches of achievements”, especially since her upcoming romance with Patch is a cliched “sheltered uptown girl meets Bad Boy biker guy” one. Not to mention that while Nora is plenty judgemental, no one really treats this like a flaw.
HAND HOLDING: 8
Ket: What really bothers me about this, besides the obvious, is that I’m baffled that this is supposed to indicate that these two will get together. If I was reading a story where a creepy guy started informing the heroine of their weaknesses, I would assume that I was reading a superhero story and that they’re going to have a battle to the death on top of a building at the climax of the story. Not get together!
ZeldaQueen: I suspect that in Fitzpatrick’s mind, this was supposed to be the “slap slap” part of their budding… uh, relationship. I think the idea is supposed to be that he is rude but in an “Oh, how outrageous yet intriguing!” way. Given that we started a count just for how creepy he is for moments like this, we know who well that worked.
Also, this is the last we ever hear of Nora planning to go to Harvard, Stanford, or Yale. She apparently had vague plans for getting a scholarship, but just about gives up. In the second book, she’ll outright plan to skip college to stay with Patch.
Ket: *Sighs* because we can’t have her have a higher aspiration than finding a boy.
"And my second?" I said with quiet rage. Who was this guy? Was this some kind of disturbing joke?
ZeldaQueen: *facepalm* So close and yet so far. Nora, while “disturbing joke” still doesn’t quite grasp how dangerous he’s behaving, you still have grasped that it indeed is creepy how he’s acting. In that case, WHY IN ALL OF HEAVEN ARE YOU STILL HUMORING HIM??? Jesus Christ, this isn’t Ket’s example, you’re not preparing to face off against your arch-nemesis and need to get information, go to the teacher!!!
Ket: *Sighs again* I want to read the superhero story I was talking about instead of this.
ZeldaQueen: I want to write it, so maybe this can work out someday.
You don't know how to trust. I take that back. You trust-just all the wrong people."
ZeldaQueen: *flatly* Ha ha, irony. She’s going to trust him and he says she trusts the wrong people because like so many Edward Cullen rip-offs, he insists she shouldn’t trust him. And of course she’s right in ignoring him and all common sense, and someone shoot me.
Ket: Oh, I agree. She is definitely going to trust the wrong people.
ZeldaQueen: I’m not sure whether this should get a HAND HOLDING count or not. On one hand, Patch is right. Not only does she trust him (major mistake), but she trusts Vee, her mom, and pretty much every else who goes on to screw her over. On the other hand, this is never treated as a flaw. We’re supposed to see these people as genuinely loving Nora and her trust in them being necessary (sad is that is). Since Patch is just outright telling us it instead of allowing us to see it though, I’ll count it.
HAND HOLDING: 9
"And my first?" I demanded.
ZeldaQueen: Not telling someone when your lab partner is openly talking about stalking you.
Ket: Not opening your mouth to tell an asshole to back the fuck off.
"You keep life on a short leash."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"You're scared of what you can't control."
ZeldaQueen: You manipulative FUCK. Just because she doesn’t put herself in danger by doing the horrible things you’re going to talk her into DOESN’T MEAN SHE HAS A FEAR OF LOSS OF CONTROL!!!
Ket: How the hell do you prove this? Because Nora’s not base jumping or taking hardcore narcotics?
ZeldaQueen: Because she doesn’t want to ride a motorcycle with her stalker and other such things. Don’t you know that fully-adjusted and sane people love to put themselves in danger?
Ket: I’m too short to ride a motorcycle, but that doesn’t mean I keep life on a short leash. I’m a rebel, baby. I rip tags off mattresses and stream movies online!
ZeldaQueen: Given that pool is treated as the height of bad boy-ism here, you may be true criminal material. Also…
HAND HOLDING: 10
Thank you for nicely listing all of our bland lead’s flaws. I so wasn’t looking forward to seeing them demonstrated or anything!
The hair at the nape of my neck stood on end, and the temperature in the room seemed to chill.i
ZeldaQueen: Uh, why is this what freaks her out? If anything, she should have had this reaction when Patch said he was secretly taking pictures of her!
Ket: Well, Nora is a bit slow….
ZeldaQueen: Slow nothing. It’s like this was written out of order!
OUR INTREPID HEROINE: 5
Seriously, Nora, get your head out of your ass and figure this out!
Ordinarily I would have gone straight to Coach's desk and requested a new seating chart. But
ZeldaQueen: - then the book might end too soon.
Ket: *Deadpan* and wouldn’t that be tragic?
I refused to let Patch think he could intimidate or scare me. I felt an irrational need to defend myself and decided right then and there I wouldn't back down until he did.
ZeldaQueen: Except that you aren’t defending yourself, Nora. By just sitting there and letting him scare you, you’re letting him do what he wants. Your silence is effectively letting him beat you. You’re not even countering with some information that rattles him in return!
OUR INTREPID HEROINE: 6
"Do you sleep naked?" he asked.
ZeldaQueen: Oh look, a shocking question! Le gasp and bloody horror! How did we even jump to here? This would have made more sense if there was build-up, like Patch started rapid-firing harmless questions (“Do you have a job? Do you like reality TV? Have you ever been out of the country”) and then threw in something outrageously left-field to shock her. It would still have been random, but at least the pacing would have kept.
Ket: Actually, this would be a good chance for Nora to start firing those kind of questions at Patch to cut off his stream of creepy bullshit.
ZeldaQueen: That would have actually done a far better job building up Nora as his match. He wants to ask her weird stuff? She fires back with stuff equally weird. It’d actually give a believable start for him respecting her and could have actual comedy value as the two turn in assignments made up of the most bizarre facts they could dig up about one another.
My mouth threatened to drop, but I held it in check.
ZeldaQueen: Now I have a hilarious image of Nora physically holding her jaw up.
SAY WHAT?: 13
"You're hardly the person I'd tell."
ZeldaQueen: Heeeeeey, you guys remember how Patch uncannily knows everything about Nora already? And how everything he’s been talking about in relationship to her is stuff he already knows about her?
Fitzpatrick, you just implied that your awesome love interest has been peeping in on her while she’s been sleeping. Actually, given a later revelation, I wouldn’t be surprised if it actually was going to be revealed that Patch was watching her sleep a la Edward Cullen and it was taken out. Fitzpatrick did say that her editor convinced her to make Patch less “rough around the edges”, after all.
Ket: Wow. The implications of that are horrifying. What was cut out that Patch did before? Steal her puppy and shoot her grandma?
ZeldaQueen: One can only imagine.
"Ever been to a shrink?"
"No," I lied. The truth was, I was in counseling with the school psychologist, Dr. Hendrickson. It wasn't by choice, and it wasn't something I liked to talk about.
ZeldaQueen: Then why lie about it? Tell him you don’t want to discuss that sort of thing with him. What, does him asking about you seeing a psychiatrist rattle you more than him asking if you sleep naked?
Ket: Actually, this confuses me. How is it not her choice? Unless you’re court-ordered, you can’t be forced to see a therapist. And why would she see the school one, instead of one outside of school hours? Yes, her parents could have made her go, but again, wouldn’t it make more sense to see one that they were paying for
ZeldaQueen: Uh… I have no clue about much of that. We’re going to find out that her dad was murdered, hence why she’s seeing a psychologist. Unless she’s “not there by choice” in the “my mom ordered me to” sense though, I’m not sure how that works. As for why it’s the school psychologist, I again don’t know. The second book has that the family’s so poor that they need to sell Nora’s car for money, so maybe they don’t have the insurance to cover a therapist? Even in that case though, I’m not sure if a school psychologist would be able to handle trauma from murder.
Ket: When I finally talked about being molested, it was to a school psychologist. I didn’t continue talking to her past that point; once I told my parents (and they moved past the murderous rage towards the man that did it), I went to a private therapist. I can’t imagine being able to skip out of class to see her every week.
ZeldaQueen: That makes Nora’s case sound even more illogical. Her dad died a year ago, we’ll find out. And while we’ll be addressing this in more detail later, Nora doesn’t get psychiatric help for someone trying to kill her, being kidnapped, or losing her memory. So Fitzpatrick’s understanding of therapy is just one big ball of fail, I see.
ILL LOGIC: 21
ETA: There's also been a follow-up from carakasla on how much this all fails. Read the post for all the details, but for now, I'll just be bumping a few points to DID NOT DO THE RESEARCH.
DID NOT DO THE RESEARCH: 6
"Done anything illegal?"
ZeldaQueen: Patch, stop projecting.
Ket: He’s not. I’m sure he doesn’t see anything wrong with anything he does. Including fucking up people’s lives.
"No." Occasionally breaking the speed limit wouldn't count. Not with him.
ZeldaQueen: I don’t think it counts with most people, unless you actually get caught and ticketed. Why’s she so certain he’s a hard-core criminal, anyway? I know he basically admitted to stalking her, but she’s somehow oblivious to that.
Ket: Because the story is beating us over the head with a brick about how much of a “bad boy” Patch is.
"Why don't you ask me something normal? Like ... my favorite kind of music?"
"I'm not going to ask what I can guess."
ZeldaQueen: *swells like a bullfrog* “Guess” my ass, YOU KNOW BECAUSE YOU’VE BEEN SPYING ON HER, FUCKHEAD!
FROM ASSHOLE TO NIGHTMARE: 7
"You do not know the type of music I listen to."
ZeldaQueen: Dear Christ Nora, have you learned nothing?
Ket: He knows you sleep naked. I’m sure he knows what you play in your car.
OUR INTREPID HEROINE: 7
"Baroque. With you, it's all about order, control. I bet you play ... the cello?" He said it like he'd pulled the guess out of thin air.
Ket: Ignoring the cliche of “the heroine is smart and not like other girls so she listens to classical music/reads classic books”, baroque is pretty specific. It’s classical music set in a very specific time period.
ZeldaQueen: I’m just scratching my head and trying to figure out how “she likes baroque and plays the cello” = “she likes order and control”. I’d understand if Patch was listing Nora’s hobbies and said she liked to, I don’t know, keep her pencils always lined up neatly on her desk and have an events organizer always on hand, but what does her music taste have to do with control?
Ket: Or if she liked hobbies that required a lot of precision and control, like model kits or real-time strategy games.
ILL LOGIC: 22
And of course the increasingly-popular count…
FROM ASSHOLE TO NIGHTMARE: 8
Yeah, I’m so sure Patch just happened to pull that guess out of thin air. Really.
"Wrong." Another lie, but this one sent a chill rippling along my skin.
ZeldaQueen: Again, why is this specifically what’s setting off her alarms?
OUR INTREPID HEROINE: 8
Who was he really? If he knew I played the cello, what else did he know?
ZeldaQueen: Oh my - NORA, HAVE YOU NOT BEEN PAYING ATTENTION? LIKE, AT ALL?
Ket: It’s not like he’s implying that he’s spying on her--he outright said it!
OUR INTREPID HEROINE: 9
[SNIP - PATCH ASKS ABOUT A BIRTHMARK ON NORA’S WRIST, WHICH HE INSISTS IS A SCAR. HE MOCKINGLY ASKS IF SHE’S SUICIDAL -
JERKASS EXTRAORDINAIRE: 14
WHICH IS IN INCREDIBLY POOR TASTE CONSIDERING WHAT WE’LL LATER LEARN. HE THEN RANDOMLY ASKS IF HER PARENTS ARE MARRIED OR DIVORCED, REALLY.]
"I live with my mom."
ZeldaQueen: Actually, as with most YA leads following in the same vein as Twilight, she basically lives alone. It’s a lot more convenient for her stalker boyfriend to follow her around against her wishes.
"Where's dad?"
ZeldaQueen: As a personal peeve of mine, "Dad" should be capitalized if it's being used in the place of an actual name.
"My dad passed away last year."
ZeldaQueen: *raises eyebrows* Oh? And where’s your reaction to him asking about that, Nora? You went slack-jawed when he asked you about sleeping naked, you were uncomfortable when he asked you about seeing the therapist, and you were freaked out when he “guessed” all your hobbies, but when he asks you about your dead dad you just spit it out without any reaction at all? Huh?
Ket: Oh, she has a reaction. Look:
"How did he die?"
I flinched. "He was-murdered. This is kind of personal territory, if you don't mind."
Ket: There, see? She flinched. That shows all of her pain!
ZeldaQueen: *rubs temples* I know people mourn in different ways, but Nora’s reactions to her dead dad are just… so muted it’s impossible to care. We’re inside of her head. We can see what she sees. This would have been a great time to, I don’t know, give a bit of a flashback to her getting the news about her dad or something!
Ket: I don’t think we’re supposed to. Dead Parent Syndrome has been around forever in fiction. It’s not a characterization device--it’s a plot point. The parent could have been a sibling or mentor or magical horse, for all it really matters.
ZeldaQueen: What gets me is how unnecessary it is. I haven’t read the original draft of this chapter (which is uploaded to Fitzpatrick’s website) for awhile, but I’m fairly certain that in it, Nora’s dad and mom are just divorced. Granted the later books do make his death a plot point… except that Fitzpatrick hadn’t planned on writing more books when she did this one. So I guess she made Nora’s dad a murder victim to up the emotional tension, and then didn’t put any emotional tension in.
There was a count of silence and the edge in Patch's eyes seemed to soften a touch. "That must be hard." He sounded like he meant it.
Ket: This attempt at an emotional connection falls flatter than a sheet of rice paper on the moon. For all of the dickery he has shown, outright mocking her about being suicidal, I really doubt he is going to give a tin shit about her dad dying.
ZeldaQueen: Not really, though that’s a discussion for the second book. I’d like to point out that this one moment is supposed to be Patch’s pet the dog moment of the chapter. Look at him, so genuinely sorry that Nora’s dad’s dead! It just makes up for him sexually harassing her and making her life difficult and upsetting her and basically making her uncomfortable! It makes us forget how he all but openly admitted to stalking her!
Except it doesn’t. There’s a trope by the name of Unintentionally Unsympathetic, which, among other things, gives the example of “Sometimes one is meant to be more complex or gray-area, but their Freudian Excuse just doesn't cover the acts they go on to commit. Yeah, we're sorry your little sister died in that building the superhero battle knocked over, but that doesn't make you not a sociopath for trying to blow up the hero’s entire planet.” This trope is going to more or less define Patch, but this is a good starting point for him. One instance of pretty much insincere sympathy doesn’t make up for him being a relentless douchebag for the rest of the chapter.
Ket: Even if it was a sincere gesture, it wouldn’t have much mattered at this point. I’m not going to forgive someone that broke into my house and stole all my shit because they watered my plants!
ZeldaQueen: An excellent point. And the book somehow backs both of us up by having Patch’s brief respite from assholery ruined when the bell, having apparently memorized its cue, rings. Patch promptly starts to leave the classroom as Nora shouts after him that she didn’t get any information on him yet.
Ket: *Grimly* all in good time, my dear idiot. All in good time.
ZeldaQueen: I honestly don’t know how she can’t get some stuff from their interview. He’s creepy, he invades her personal space, he spies on her, he knows all of her habits and hobbies and plans, he scares her, and he makes unfounded accusations about her. Those were all things one could deduce by observing him.
Ket: Shit, I’d like to see Patch’s face if she went up in front of the class and announced all of that.
ZeldaQueen: All the chocolate to whoever writes that spite fic.
Anyway, Patch’s reaction to this is to write his phone number on her palm, because I guess that’s sexy? She closes her hand into a fist almost immediately after, so by all rights his number should be an inky smear by the time she inevitably calls him. And yes, she’s pissed and insists she won’t call him, but we know that her mouth is saying “No” but the plot is saying “Yes”. Of course it won’t smear, because then the next chapter can’t happen.
Ket: *Sighs and slumps in her chair* I wish she’d turn that phone number over to the police and file a restraining order on him.
ZeldaQueen: Then the rest of the series wouldn’t happen, which I’d have no problem with at all.
Oh, and because we haven’t had enough jerkassery, Nora tries to counter all of this by insisting that she’s busy tonight and Patch starts grinning and saying that he is too.
JERKASS EXTRAORDINAIRE: 15
Yeah, no doubt busy spying on her.
Ket: Okay, well, fuck you both, then? Why do I care?
ZeldaQueen: Nora cares, since she’s somehow still convinced that she’s going to fail school forever or something if she doesn’t do this assignment.
"I stood nailed to the spot, digesting what had just happened. Did he eat up all the time questioning me on purpose? So I'd fail? Did he think one flashy grin would redeem him? Yes, I thought. Yes, he did."
ZeldaQueen: And the sad thing is, Fitzpatrick and the fangirls seem to agree.
Ket: You know, I’m really getting tired of these paper-thin plots to bring an asshole and a moron together. We’re in class together and then he disappears? Oh, I must be all up in his grill! My room mate is not professional enough to conduct her own interviews? Oh, I have to do it instead? This creepy fuckwaffle is stalking me and trying to get me to fail? Oh, I’d better go after him instead of going the principal!
ZeldaQueen: These are like plots stolen from pornos, only with slightly less focus on sex. And that sounds like the perfect parody of these books, When Asshole Met Moron.
Nora shouts after Patch that she won’t call him “Not-ever!” and yes that’s a hyphen mysteriously in there…
SAY WHAT?: 14
And at this point Vee shows up. Oh, yeah, remember her? Weren’t you just missing her so much?
Ket: It’s hard to miss someone with the characterization of a styrofoam cup.
ZeldaQueen: *snrk* Vee’s plenty pissed about her own new partner, mainly because “[She] got paired with a girl who said she just finished lice treatment this morning” and plans on writing a column in the school paper about bad seating charts. While this is plenty melodramatic, I must note that Vee at least is planning to do something. It’s a better knee-jerk reaction than what Nora has.
Ket: It’s a stupid reaction, anyway. No one is going to care about her whining at changed seating charts.
ZeldaQueen: Though if Nora collaborated with her and gave an interview about how her new seating partner spent the period discussing his stalking habits with her, I’d imagine it’d make a splash.
Ket: I’d imagine it wouldn’t make it in and be cut to ribbons by whatever teacher monitored it, but it might at least bring to someone’s attention what Patch is doing!
ZeldaQueen: I don’t think the school has any teachers besides Coach, but either scenario would work out beautifully.
Nora goes to tell Vee about her own new partner woes, but skips the whole “He somehow knows all of my pastimes and hobbies and made fun of me and made me feel scared” thing. You know, the important stuff. Instead, she simply points to him walking down the hall, where we’re informed “He had an annoyingly confident walk, the kind you find paired with faded T-shirts and a cowboy hat. Patch wore neither. He was a dark Levi's dark- henley-dark-boots kind of guy”. In case it made a difference what the stalker wore to accentuate his hawtness.
Ket: What the hell does that description even mean, anyway? He...walks like a cowboy? He’s from Texas? What?!
ZeldaQueen: Somehow, I now am imagining Patch as played by John Travolta strutting down the hall as “Stayin’ Alive” plays over the loudspeakers. I have no clue why.
Ket: It’s infinitely preferable.
ZeldaQueen: While Vee spends most of the book riding my last nerve, she does have a beautifully casual reaction towards Patch - she notes that he’s the “senior transfer” and basically suggests that he’s had to repeat the year three times. Because he’s a Bad Boy and they don’t graduate, I guess.
Ket: Number a, if he was a transfer, how would she know that? Number 2, this really smacks of Wardo repeating high school together. Because going to college and learning to cure cancer would make him too useful.
ZeldaQueen: Like I said, he can mindrape people into believing what he wants. So I guess he made everyone think he was repeating the grade a few times because… fuck, I don’t know, it amused him. There’s seriously no reason for him to be in high school at all. It’s ostensibly so he can get close to Nora, but out of school activities still exist!
Ket: And he doesn’t even talk to her until this stupid assignment. Wouldn’t it have served him better to actually approach her? Or use his stalking to go where she goes and become closer to her?
ZeldaQueen: *darkly* What he wants her for, we’ll see, doesn’t even require him approaching her. It’s really sick.
So right, Nora finally gets around to telling Vee a little bit about what a creeper Patch is, but doesn’t really do a good job of it. She just tells Vee that Patch “guessed” that she liked baroque music. Vee chalks it up to a lucky guess, which is the start of a depressing trend of people dismissing Nora’s fears in this series.
Ket: Fucking what? Like I said earlier, baroque music is a very specific time period of classical music. That would be like someone guessing I like psychobilly instead of rock.
ZeldaQueen: Well, Nora gets half a point for actually pressing the issue and telling Vee that he knew other stuff about her, and loses fifty more for leaving the issue by giving the example of, “Like how to get under my skin”. Not, you know, her choice of instrument or the colleges she’s going to or her diet or anything like that. No, the fact that he can ANNOY HER is on par with him knowing her specific taste in music!
Ket: Maybe it’s just me, but I would be a little more concerned about the fact that he knows that I sleep naked!
ZeldaQueen: Nonsense, the most valuable thing a guy can know is how to properly bug a girl! How else can he show affection? Besides, you know, actually showing affection? *spits*
Ket: Parents, please stop telling your children that if a boy pulls your hair it means he likes you. Teach them to stand up for themselves, or to not pull hair.
Nora decides to kinda-sorta do what we’ve been yelling at her to all along and goes to talk to Coach… but just to ask about the seating charts being changed. Not to do anything insane like tell how Patch basically said he was stalking her. That would be ridiculous!
And the pay-off for that?
“At the end of the day, I was the one who took a slap in the face. Coach shot down my plea to rethink the seating chart. It appeared I was stuck with Patch.
For now.”
ZeldaQueen: First of all…
OUR INTREPID HEROINE: 10
Because after all the shit that Patch pulled, all she does is ask for a seat change. She doesn't try to do something about him all but telling her outright that he's stalking her and she doesn't try to appeal to any higher authority in the school.
Second of all, could it have been any more obvious Fitzpatrick was wrapping up a one-shot to make way for a multi-chapter fic?
Ket: *Sigh* I guess we’ll have to assume that Patch mindfucked Coach, too.
ZeldaQueen: He did, but that doesn’t really explain Nora’s lack of action elsewhere. Still, that’s for another chapter. For now, I vote we take a break before Chapter 2.
Ket: I heartily agree. I’m getting the fuck out of here. Want to join me in a drink? I’m thinking about writing a plot treatment for that superhero story, too.
ZeldaQueen: Agreed. *pulls out magic hat* Ice cream?
Ket: Ice cream and booze!
ZeldaQueen: Hooray! :D
DID NOT DO THE RESEARCH - 6
SAY WHAT? - 14
ILL LOGIC - 22
JERKASS EXTRAORDINAIRE - 15
RELIGION FAIL - 3
HAND HOLDING - 10
ALL WOMEN ARE LUSTFUL - 2
LAUGH, GODDAMMIT - 3
FROM ASSHOLE TO NIGHTMARE - 8
OUR INTREPID HEROINE - 10
Onward to: Chapter 2 - Part 1
Back to: Chapter 1 - Part 1
Return to: Table Of Contents
Projection Room Voices: Starting Media in 3...2...1...
Chapter 1 - Part 2
ZeldaQueen: Coach continues to make no sense.
"'Tomorrow, bring a write-up of your discoveries, and believe me, I'm going to check for authenticity. This is biology, not English, so don't even think about fictionalizing your answers. I want to see real interaction and teamwork.' There was an implied 'Or else.'”
ZeldaQueen: Oh lordy.
For starters, this is a rather half-assed assignment. How long does he even want the write-up to be? Guaranteed, half that class will have half a page maximum, because high schoolers can be lazy asses if not told otherwise.
ILL LOGIC: 12
Ket: Also, teenagers can be very secretive and private, especially around people they don’t know. So you’re not going to get a lot of deep material.
ILL LOGIC: 13
ZeldaQueen: Which leads to the next question, how the hell is Coach going to be “checking for authenticity”? Sure, he’ll call bullshit if someone says their partner is secretly a mutant space alien, but how will he know whether or not someone actually swallowed a quarter when they were five
ILL LOGIC: 14
Ket: And again, what’s the bloody point? Zelda, I could interview you and ask about your favorite colors and movies and whateverthefuck, but it won’t tell me anything about reproduction.
ZeldaQueen: Not unless Coach was trying to make some crude sexual compatibility quiz for the internet.
ILL LOGIC: 15
ZeldaQueen: Also, Coach? English class teaches the importance of nonfiction writing as well as fiction. In fact, when I was in high school, I had to write far more papers on events in my life or on research of various topics than fictional topics.
DID NOT DO THE RESEARCH: 3
My, that’s quite a lot of fail for one brief bit of dialogue
Nora turns back to Patch and decides that since she already tried to be friendly she’s just going to make the first move. Enjoy this brief moment of her acting sane towards his jerkass demeanor. After now, she’ll basically keep caving in and insisting on interacting with him when it’s far more sensible to walk the other way.
Ket: Also, who told people that it’s a good idea to have one of your romantic leads be a totally cockwaffle and the other slowly be okay with that? It makes me want to punch writers in the taint when I see it.
ZeldaQueen: This was interestingly touched upon in this post on rape culture which, surprise, surprise, features this book as a prime example of it.
Ket: Please tell me it also includes Twilight and 50 Shades.
ZeldaQueen: It touches on Twilight, mostly pointing out how this book takes many cues from it and manages to be worse since Twilight doesn’t even seem aware that it’s got horrific things in it, but everyone in this book does note the creepy factors and go with them anyway (“hipster sexism” is the term used to describe this). 50 Shades isn’t brought up, but I think that’s because the author hadn’t read it. She mostly focused on YA literature, including Nina Malkins’s Swoon. The author sums it all up nicely by pointing out how this gets applied even to older romances (note that she doesn’t think the romances themselves promote this necessarily, but that what fans get from it does).
“The complication is that so often, in Twilight, Swoon, Hush, Hush, Vampire Academy, and countless romances dating back to Pride & Prejuidice and Pamela, we're asked to accept that the outward facade of ‘I dislike you immensely’ masks a subtle underlying attraction. Certainly Pamela has to go to extreme lengths to get her would-be rapist to accept that she does not want to be raped, no, really, no, please no. Darcy is so led astray by Lizzie's attempts to be polite to him in all of their mutual social interactions that he assumes she's welcoming his attentions, when really she would welcome a chance to serve him a restraining order on behalf of everyone she knows. And of course Pamela was an attempt to show the proper way for a young lady to maintain her respectability and the boundaries of politeness while still struggling to maintain her virtue (whereupon she's rewarded by getting to marry her rapist!); while Pride & Prejudice is the model for 200 years of love-hate relationships, and it's generally argued that Lizzy is attracted to Darcy the entire time.
The cumulative effect of all this is that girls grow up learning all about how to behave politely to unwanted suitors, just as the Fugitivus article points out. At the same time, girls also learn that girls' stories--by which i mean stories who have girls' development and growth as their center and focus-- usually go like this:
If a girl is politely distant to a guy (Lizzie Bennet), it means she wants to sleep with him.
If a girl resists a suitor who's trying to take her down a peg or two (Taming of the Shrew), it means she wants to sleep with him.
If the girl manifests a desire to be single (Emma), it means she wants to sleep with him.
If a girl demonstrates outright hatred of a boy by breaking a chalk slate over his head (oh, Anne <3333), it means she wants to sleep with him.
I would never in a million years want to rob the world of the love that is Anne/Gilbert or Lizzie/Darcy or Emma/Knightley. But my point is that when faced with all of the evidence that supports the idea of girls eventually submitting to guys, when faced with the fact that stories about girls typically end in girls falling in love with guys, then it's really hard not to read Hush, Hush as sitting at the extreme end of an ongoing societal fantasy in which women go through character arcs of various types that inevitably end in heteronormative sexual relationships. The end result? No always means yes. Yes always means yes. No, No, No, always means yes.”
Ket: Very well-said. And it’s especially dangerous in young adult books, because it teaches girls that when a guy is being an asshole, is abusive, is controlling, it just means that he wants what’s best for you. It also shows that being in a relationship is the most important thing ever, instead of building a life and pursuing your dreams.
ZeldaQueen: It also shows that the subtle art of standing your ground is lost in there. For example, so many people think Lizzie should have married Darcy with his first proposal, but she held off on throwing herself into his arms until he explained why he did the insulting actions she was angry with him for and then saved her family from disgrace. Even then, when he proposes the second time, he makes it clear that if she says now, he’ll leave her alone if that’s what she wants. The same with Anne Shirley and Gilbert Blythe - she is angry with him for being rude about her appearance, and is depicted as being excessive because she holds the grudge after he apologizes multiple times and asks to be friends with her, not because she got mad to begin with!
Ket: Which is what drives me fucking bananaballs about 50 Shades. Christian stalks Ana and doesn’t care about her feelings or wants. He never offers to leave her alone--when she tries to get away from him to think, he just follows her! That’s not love or caring--it’s treating her like a possession that he doesn’t want to get too far out of his sight.
ZeldaQueen: And the same with Patchy-boy here. He never is sorry for what he does to Nora. She never points out that he puts her life in danger several times. But that’s for later, and as much as I’d prefer to talk about how Pride & Prejudice and Anne of Green Gables did romances right, we need to spork this book here. *pouts*
Ket: *Sighs* if we must.
ZeldaQueen: Now, where did we leave off at? Ah yes, Nora takes one whiff of Patch and somehow is able to instantly tell that he smells of cigar smoke, even though she’s supposed to be a squeaky-clean good-girl and probably has never smelled a cigar in her life.
Ket: Eh, she could have a relative that smokes them, but I’m lifting an eyebrow because I’d have to imagine at least one teacher would say something about him smelling like cigars.
ILL LOGIC: 16
ZeldaQueen: It seems unlikely, though. The only family Nora appears to have is her mother and, previously, her father, neither who are stated to smoke. In fact, in the sequel, Nora’s mom knows her daughter was in a bar because she smelled smoke on her, and gets pissed.
Ket: Which, by the way, isn’t possible because of Maine’s public smoking laws, but we’ll get to that when it comes up.
ILL LOGIC: 17
ZeldaQueen: Right. So Nora just sort of stares at the clock, waiting for this guy to talk to her, and laments how “[a]t this rate [she] would fail”. Fail what? This is a fucking in-class assignment? How many points can this stupid thing be worth? Five? Ten?
Ket: Even if it’s worth a quarter of her grade, the only thing she would have to do is go to the Coach and say, “my partner is uncooperative and refuses to do the assignment with me”. If the Coach gave her shit, I’d go to the principal next.
ZeldaQueen: *weakly laughs* We’ll see how well that situation works out. Still, this situation is damned stupid.
ILL LOGIC: 18
One point for her thinking this thing is worth so much of her grade and another for somehow thinking she’d be blamed for something her partner was doing. (Yes we know better, but Nora doesn’t.)
So while Nora sits there like a bump on a log, she hears Patch writing something. She’s curious as to what it is, because “Ten minutes of sitting together didn't qualify him to make any assumptions about me”. *stares* Are you high, or just extremely unimaginative? I can look to the right and stare at the water bottle right next to me and ten minutes would be plenty of time to make observations about it!
Ket: Well, he knows enough about you to know that you don’t have the spine to attempt to make him talk!
ZeldaQueen: He can also make assumptions about her based on the quality and style of clothes she wears, the way she wears her hair, her nervous tics, and that’s just to name a few! No wonder we’re going to see Nora sucking as a detective. Her observational skills are clearly shot to shit!
*rubs temples* So yeah, she goes on to ask him what he’s writing. Instead of telling her and actually including her in their team-based work though, he reads out loud his latest point, that she speaks English.
JERKASS EXTRAORDINAIRE: 8
Also, if “she speaks English” is a quality observation, I have to wonder how it’s taking Nora this long to get anything down.
Ket: How about “unfriendly and sarcastic”? There’s two right there.
ZeldaQueen: “Quiet and withdrawn”. There’s two more! “Smokes cigars”, there’s another. Hell, you could turn it around and say “he speaks English” as well! But no, instead of doing that, Nora tries to lean in and see what this guy wrote. He responds by folding the paper over so she can’t read it.
JERKASS EXTRAORDINAIRE: 9
When Nora again asks him what he wrote, he responds by taking her unused sheet of paper, crumpling it into a ball, and throwing it into the trash can.
JERKASS EXTRAORDINAIRE: 10
What a dreamboat.
Ket: I know this is my solution to a lot of problems, but it fits here: punch him.
ZeldaQueen: How I wish we could. Also, is it just me, or was that last dick move just...weird? I mean, I think most asshole high schoolers would make a face or give a smartass retort or even just pointedly move so she couldn’t see the list. Who crumples up a blank sheet of paper and throws it away? Am I wrong in thinking that’s just...I don’t know, off?
SAY WHAT?: 7
Ket: I’ve mentioned that I’m a shy kid, but even I would have said “what the hell was that for?”. It just irritates me that Nora does nothing but think about what an asshole he is.
ZeldaQueen: Yeah, that’s not going to be changing anytime soon. The only times she calls him out on being a dick, it’s either during a hella creepy situation (and she instantly starts snogging him) or she’s so horrible herself that it’s impossible to enjoy it.
Nora is understandably shocked by that random move, but decides to just get out another piece of paper and ask him his name. He gives her another “dark grin”, which “seemed to dare me to pry anything out of him”. Why does this not sound out of place in a teen horror movie? Oh, and when Nora repeats the question, she even hears her voice faltering. So this isn’t just normal assholery, he’s scaring her. And he’s the romantic lead!
Ket: *Rubs eyes* I really want to just Spatula the shit out of him until he stops smiling.
ZeldaQueen: I’d like to introduce him to Cyborg 004.
ZeldaQueen: Not only can he out-snark Patch, but he can shoot him with both the gun built into his hand and the rocket launcher built into his leg. I fail to see how anyone would lose in that situation.
Ket: I’d like to introduce him to an angel blade. In the liver.
ZeldaQueen: Ohhhh, yes!
Next… well, next I propose we spork. Because it’s just line after line after line of Patch being a horrific jerk and quoting will not do it justice. Shall we?
"Call me Patch. I mean it. Call me."
ZeldaQueen: *sings* Call me Efrem Zimbalist, get me Bobby Kennedy…
He winked when he said it, and I was pretty sure he was making fun of me.
Ket: No shit. I gathered that just because he’s a jerk.
JERKASS EXTRAORDINAIRE: 11
ZeldaQueen: Erm, was that supposed to be flirty? Or funny, for that matter? Because I was neither turned on nor amused.
LAUGH, GODDAMMIT: 2
SAY WHAT?: 8
Because I suspect Fitzpatrick was trying to go for some pick-up line, but instead just called to mind the old “Take my wife...please!” joke.
Ket: Well, she did say that she thought he was making fun of her, and I’m guessing it’s supposed to be a pick-up line, yeah, but it totally falls flat.
"What do you do in your leisure time?" I asked.
ZeldaQueen: (Patch) “I wear my mother’s dress and eat livers with fava beans and a nice glass of chianti.”
Ket: He WISHES he had the charm and personality of Hannibal Lectre!
"I don't have free time."
ZeldaQueen: Probably because he’s too busy stalking her. (And Christ Almighty, but I wish I was making that up.)
"I'm assuming this assignment is graded, so do me a favor?"
ZeldaQueen: Uh, Nora, that might not be a lie. There are teenagers who have very busy schedules or who don’t like being idle. Granted I could see it being suspect because I’m sure she wouldn’t have seen Patch around the school much so him being in a lot of clubs or on sports teams is unlikely, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t do things outside of school. For example, we later learn he has a job at a restaurant.
Ket: Spoilers: he does fuckall.
He leaned back in his seat, folding his arms behind his head. "What kind of favor?"
ZeldaQueen: *flatly* Ha ha, it is to laugh.
LAUGH, GODDAMMIT: 3
Ket: Don’t agree, Nora! It will involve your tender buttmeat!
ZeldaQueen: This line, incidentally, becomes a great deal creepier after reading a part in Crescendo, where he says he’s keeping a tab of all the favors she owes him, and intends to collect on them in one go.
I was pretty sure it was an innuendo, and I grappled for a way to change the subject.
ZeldaQueen: “I was pretty sure it was an innuendo”? Noooo, you think? Gee Nora, you’re definitely the top of your class!
Ket: Nora, the only way it could be more obviously innuendo is if he actually SAID “sexual favor”!
ZeldaQueen: On a somewhat more nitpicky note, “an innuendo”? Uh… don’t most people just say “it was innuendo”?
Ket: I guess “an innuendo” is technically correct, but it sounds funny to my ear.
ZeldaQueen: Then let’s count it up.
SAY WHAT?: 9
And for him harassing her like this,
JERKASS EXTRAORDINAIRE: 12
"Free time," he repeated thoughtfully. "I take pictures."
ZeldaQueen: I’d make a joke about them being shot through Nora’s bathroom window, but...uh… just read on.
I printed Photography on my paper.
ZeldaQueen: Somewhat nitpicky note again, but shouldn’t “photography” be in quotes, since it’s what she’s writing down?
Ket: Yes, it should be. And there’s no reason for it to be capitalized, either.
SAY WHAT?: 11
"I wasn't finished," he said.
ZeldaQueen: That means jack shit, Patch. You just said you take pictures. That means that photography is a valid thing she discovered about you. You revealing what a creeper you are about it isn’t changing that fact.
Ket: And he is a creeper.
"I've got quite a collection going of an eZine columnist who believes there's truth in eating organic, who writes poetry in secret, and who shudders at the thought of having to choose between Stanford, Yale, and ... what's that big one with the H?"
Ket: *Brightly* So! It’s time for a new count! Yes, Patch is a jerk, but it was suggested to us that we include a count for when he goes way beyond jerk. There’s a trope called “from nobody to nightmare”, where someone who was of little importance becomes a terror. Since Patch isn’t a nobody, we decided on:
FROM ASSHOLE TO NIGHTMARE: 3
ZeldaQueen: Here it is, folks. Feast your eyes. One point for him all but outright stating that he’s been stalking Nora. One point is for him actually claiming that he has been secreting taking photographs of her. The last point is for something we covered in the prologue, where he mentally tortured Chauncey to get what he wanted.
Now that the counts are out of the way, let us rant. Ket? Do you want to begin, or shall I?
Ket: Ladies first.
ZeldaQueen: Right. Shall we start with the highly disturbing fact that Fitzpatrick appears to be unaware of exactly how horrifying this little exchange is? People, this is slasher movie material. He isn’t teasing her. He isn’t being a jerk. He isn’t wearing black and smelling of cigarettes and pulling her ponytail and engaging in underage drinking. HE IS SITTING THERE, IN THE MIDDLE OF THE CLASSROOM, SMUGLY TELLING HER THAT HE HAS BEEN STALKING HER AND TAKING PICTURES OF HER.
This is supposed to be the start of their “romance”. And no, this isn’t supposed to be like Bella Swan, who fell in love with Edward almost instantly. But what this is meant to be is a slap-slap-kiss romance, which starts out with Nora being weirded out by Patch, only to warm up to him.
I will say this next part in all caps, to make sure it properly is expressed. ALL ASPIRING WRITERS TAKE NOTE. YOU DO NOT BEGIN ROMANCES WITH ONE OF YOUR LEADS ANNOUNCING THAT HE HAS BEEN STALKING THE OTHER AND DESCRIBING THE DIRTY LITTLE DETAILS HE LEARNED IN THE PROCESS.
Not to mention, everything up there is pretty much an informed attribute. We never see her write poetry. We never see her worry about college. In fact, she gives up on the idea of college disturbingly quickly, later on. We also never see her working on columns for the eZine or worrying about eating organic. This is lazy characterization at its finest.
HAND HOLDING: 5
One for every informed quality about Nora.
Ket: Actually, the part that really pissed me off, besides what you already ranted about, of course, comes here:
I stared at him a moment, shaken by how dead on he was. I didn't get the feeling it was a lucky guess. He knew. And I wanted to know how right now.
"But you won't end up going to any of them."
"I won't?" I asked without thinking.
Ket: Right here, because she’s stupid enough to play into his game. He’s already admitted that he’s stalking her, cares nothing about her privacy, and enjoys freaking her out. If Nora had a brain in her skull, she should have gotten up out of her chair, left the room, and reported to the principal that she was feeling stalked and unsafe. If he refused to listen, go to the principal.
We see a minimal, minimal effort on her part to react to this. She thinks he’s a jerk, but that’s about it. This is not how a normal human would react! I am sick to DEATH of this book, Twilight, and 50 Shades making stalking okay and romantic. It’s fucking bullshit. I’ve been stalked, and the only thing I felt was terror. Stalking isn’t an act of love--it’s an act of obsession and of control.
ZeldaQueen: I get the very disturbing feeling that Nora isn’t reacting properly because Fitzpatrick doesn’t get how horrific this is. Like I said, she seems to think this is the start of a weird but sweet romance.
Of course, there’s also the key word in there, “brain”. Nora clearly doesn’t have one, given that she’s acting like it’s incredible deduction to figure out that Patch didn’t magically guess her hobbies from a crystal ball. I mean, “He knew. And I wanted to know how right now”? Honey. Unless you want specifics, you should be able to have a general idea! HE’S BEEN FOLLOWING YOU!!!
SAY WHAT?: 12
For Nora not registering at all that Patch knows this stuff because he was stalking her.
JERKASS EXTRAORDINAIRE: 13
For Patch smugly taunting her with how he’s been spying on her and then telling her how he knows her future actions because he just knows her so well.
HAND HOLDING: 6
Yes, Nora. Thank you for walking us through the fact that Patch didn’t use an ouiji board or some such to figure out your hobbies. We never would have known, otherwise.
And last but not least,
FROM ASSHOLE TO NIGHTMARE: 4
Do you really need an explanation for that one?
He hooked his fingers under the seat of my chair, dragging me closer to him.
ZeldaQueen: HOLY SHIT DO NOT WANT!!!
Ket: Punch him! Punch ‘nads, Nora!
FROM ASSHOLE TO NIGHTMARE: 5
Not sure if I should scoot away and show fear, or do nothing and feign boredom, I chose the latter.
ZeldaQueen: Aaaand here is where Nora’s thought process goes to shit. Or even shittier, as the case may be. Nora. Honey. Baby. Those are not your only options.
Ket: Yes. Like punching him in the dick and running screaming out of the room!
ZeldaQueen: Or getting up and telling the teacher what he’s doing. Or saying “Move back and give me space” just loud enough to let the rest of the room know he’s being a creeper.
This is going to be something of a recurring theme in the book, sad to say. That article I linked to above? It mentions another article which sums Nora’s behavior up nicely:
"Women who are taught not to speak up too loudly or too forcefully or too adamantly or too demandingly are not going to shout “NO” at the top of their goddamn lungs just because some guy is getting uncomfortably close.
Women who are taught not to keep arguing are not going to keep saying “NO.”
Women who are taught that their needs and desires are not to be trusted, are fickle and wrong and are not to be interpreted by the woman herself, are not going to know how to argue with “but you liked kissing, I just thought…”
Women who are taught that physical confrontations make them look crazy will not start hitting, kicking, and screaming until it’s too late, if they do at all.
Women who are taught that a display of their emotional state will have them labeled hysterical and crazy (which is how their perception of events will be discounted) will not be willing to run from a room disheveled and screaming and crying.
Women who are taught that certain established boundaries are frowned upon as too rigid and unnecessary are going to find themselves in situations that move further faster before they realize that their first impression was right, and they are in a dangerous room with a dangerous person.
Women who are taught that refusing to flirt back results in an immediately hostile environment will continue to unwillingly and unhappily flirt with somebody who is invading their space and giving them creep alerts."
Ket: I’m really tired of popular books with limp, spineless heroines. It doesn’t make me relate to the character and root for their romance; it makes me want to punch the smug son-of-a-bitch love interest in the face and drop the heroine into a self-defense class.
ZeldaQueen: Agreed, and in… well, not honor but something, I propose another count - OUR INTREPID HEROINE.
OUR INTREPID HEROINE: 3
So now we can keep track of exactly how much Nora lets people walk over her and/or is so mind-boggingly stupid that people clearly take advantage of her. I'm throwing in two points from earlier, one where she does fuck-all to tell the teacher that her partner isn't cooperating and one where she stupidly plays along with what's obviously a ploy to lead her in the discussion. Isn’t this going to be fun?
Ket: *Bashes face against the wall.*
He said, "Even though you'd thrive at all three schools, you scorn them for being a cliche of achievement. Passing judgment is your third biggest weakness."
Ket: Is that supposed to make her sound...hipster-y? Like big name schools are too cliche for her?
ZeldaQueen: I think it’s supposed to show how much he knows about her. Oh look, he is able to know what her weaknesses are and knows she’d do great at the three biggest name schools around and knows she doesn’t want to take them and why. Doesn’t he have such a deep understanding of her? You know, because he’s been stalking her?
FROM ASSHOLE TO NIGHTMARE: 6
Of course, given how stupid Nora is, I find the claim that she’d “thrive” at all three highly doubtful. Not to mention, Nora’s never going to show “scorn” for “cliches of achievements”, especially since her upcoming romance with Patch is a cliched “sheltered uptown girl meets Bad Boy biker guy” one. Not to mention that while Nora is plenty judgemental, no one really treats this like a flaw.
HAND HOLDING: 8
Ket: What really bothers me about this, besides the obvious, is that I’m baffled that this is supposed to indicate that these two will get together. If I was reading a story where a creepy guy started informing the heroine of their weaknesses, I would assume that I was reading a superhero story and that they’re going to have a battle to the death on top of a building at the climax of the story. Not get together!
ZeldaQueen: I suspect that in Fitzpatrick’s mind, this was supposed to be the “slap slap” part of their budding… uh, relationship. I think the idea is supposed to be that he is rude but in an “Oh, how outrageous yet intriguing!” way. Given that we started a count just for how creepy he is for moments like this, we know who well that worked.
Also, this is the last we ever hear of Nora planning to go to Harvard, Stanford, or Yale. She apparently had vague plans for getting a scholarship, but just about gives up. In the second book, she’ll outright plan to skip college to stay with Patch.
Ket: *Sighs* because we can’t have her have a higher aspiration than finding a boy.
"And my second?" I said with quiet rage. Who was this guy? Was this some kind of disturbing joke?
ZeldaQueen: *facepalm* So close and yet so far. Nora, while “disturbing joke” still doesn’t quite grasp how dangerous he’s behaving, you still have grasped that it indeed is creepy how he’s acting. In that case, WHY IN ALL OF HEAVEN ARE YOU STILL HUMORING HIM??? Jesus Christ, this isn’t Ket’s example, you’re not preparing to face off against your arch-nemesis and need to get information, go to the teacher!!!
Ket: *Sighs again* I want to read the superhero story I was talking about instead of this.
ZeldaQueen: I want to write it, so maybe this can work out someday.
You don't know how to trust. I take that back. You trust-just all the wrong people."
ZeldaQueen: *flatly* Ha ha, irony. She’s going to trust him and he says she trusts the wrong people because like so many Edward Cullen rip-offs, he insists she shouldn’t trust him. And of course she’s right in ignoring him and all common sense, and someone shoot me.
Ket: Oh, I agree. She is definitely going to trust the wrong people.
ZeldaQueen: I’m not sure whether this should get a HAND HOLDING count or not. On one hand, Patch is right. Not only does she trust him (major mistake), but she trusts Vee, her mom, and pretty much every else who goes on to screw her over. On the other hand, this is never treated as a flaw. We’re supposed to see these people as genuinely loving Nora and her trust in them being necessary (sad is that is). Since Patch is just outright telling us it instead of allowing us to see it though, I’ll count it.
HAND HOLDING: 9
"And my first?" I demanded.
ZeldaQueen: Not telling someone when your lab partner is openly talking about stalking you.
Ket: Not opening your mouth to tell an asshole to back the fuck off.
"You keep life on a short leash."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"You're scared of what you can't control."
ZeldaQueen: You manipulative FUCK. Just because she doesn’t put herself in danger by doing the horrible things you’re going to talk her into DOESN’T MEAN SHE HAS A FEAR OF LOSS OF CONTROL!!!
Ket: How the hell do you prove this? Because Nora’s not base jumping or taking hardcore narcotics?
ZeldaQueen: Because she doesn’t want to ride a motorcycle with her stalker and other such things. Don’t you know that fully-adjusted and sane people love to put themselves in danger?
Ket: I’m too short to ride a motorcycle, but that doesn’t mean I keep life on a short leash. I’m a rebel, baby. I rip tags off mattresses and stream movies online!
ZeldaQueen: Given that pool is treated as the height of bad boy-ism here, you may be true criminal material. Also…
HAND HOLDING: 10
Thank you for nicely listing all of our bland lead’s flaws. I so wasn’t looking forward to seeing them demonstrated or anything!
The hair at the nape of my neck stood on end, and the temperature in the room seemed to chill.i
ZeldaQueen: Uh, why is this what freaks her out? If anything, she should have had this reaction when Patch said he was secretly taking pictures of her!
Ket: Well, Nora is a bit slow….
ZeldaQueen: Slow nothing. It’s like this was written out of order!
OUR INTREPID HEROINE: 5
Seriously, Nora, get your head out of your ass and figure this out!
Ordinarily I would have gone straight to Coach's desk and requested a new seating chart. But
ZeldaQueen: - then the book might end too soon.
Ket: *Deadpan* and wouldn’t that be tragic?
I refused to let Patch think he could intimidate or scare me. I felt an irrational need to defend myself and decided right then and there I wouldn't back down until he did.
ZeldaQueen: Except that you aren’t defending yourself, Nora. By just sitting there and letting him scare you, you’re letting him do what he wants. Your silence is effectively letting him beat you. You’re not even countering with some information that rattles him in return!
OUR INTREPID HEROINE: 6
"Do you sleep naked?" he asked.
ZeldaQueen: Oh look, a shocking question! Le gasp and bloody horror! How did we even jump to here? This would have made more sense if there was build-up, like Patch started rapid-firing harmless questions (“Do you have a job? Do you like reality TV? Have you ever been out of the country”) and then threw in something outrageously left-field to shock her. It would still have been random, but at least the pacing would have kept.
Ket: Actually, this would be a good chance for Nora to start firing those kind of questions at Patch to cut off his stream of creepy bullshit.
ZeldaQueen: That would have actually done a far better job building up Nora as his match. He wants to ask her weird stuff? She fires back with stuff equally weird. It’d actually give a believable start for him respecting her and could have actual comedy value as the two turn in assignments made up of the most bizarre facts they could dig up about one another.
My mouth threatened to drop, but I held it in check.
ZeldaQueen: Now I have a hilarious image of Nora physically holding her jaw up.
SAY WHAT?: 13
"You're hardly the person I'd tell."
ZeldaQueen: Heeeeeey, you guys remember how Patch uncannily knows everything about Nora already? And how everything he’s been talking about in relationship to her is stuff he already knows about her?
Fitzpatrick, you just implied that your awesome love interest has been peeping in on her while she’s been sleeping. Actually, given a later revelation, I wouldn’t be surprised if it actually was going to be revealed that Patch was watching her sleep a la Edward Cullen and it was taken out. Fitzpatrick did say that her editor convinced her to make Patch less “rough around the edges”, after all.
Ket: Wow. The implications of that are horrifying. What was cut out that Patch did before? Steal her puppy and shoot her grandma?
ZeldaQueen: One can only imagine.
"Ever been to a shrink?"
"No," I lied. The truth was, I was in counseling with the school psychologist, Dr. Hendrickson. It wasn't by choice, and it wasn't something I liked to talk about.
ZeldaQueen: Then why lie about it? Tell him you don’t want to discuss that sort of thing with him. What, does him asking about you seeing a psychiatrist rattle you more than him asking if you sleep naked?
Ket: Actually, this confuses me. How is it not her choice? Unless you’re court-ordered, you can’t be forced to see a therapist. And why would she see the school one, instead of one outside of school hours? Yes, her parents could have made her go, but again, wouldn’t it make more sense to see one that they were paying for
ZeldaQueen: Uh… I have no clue about much of that. We’re going to find out that her dad was murdered, hence why she’s seeing a psychologist. Unless she’s “not there by choice” in the “my mom ordered me to” sense though, I’m not sure how that works. As for why it’s the school psychologist, I again don’t know. The second book has that the family’s so poor that they need to sell Nora’s car for money, so maybe they don’t have the insurance to cover a therapist? Even in that case though, I’m not sure if a school psychologist would be able to handle trauma from murder.
Ket: When I finally talked about being molested, it was to a school psychologist. I didn’t continue talking to her past that point; once I told my parents (and they moved past the murderous rage towards the man that did it), I went to a private therapist. I can’t imagine being able to skip out of class to see her every week.
ZeldaQueen: That makes Nora’s case sound even more illogical. Her dad died a year ago, we’ll find out. And while we’ll be addressing this in more detail later, Nora doesn’t get psychiatric help for someone trying to kill her, being kidnapped, or losing her memory. So Fitzpatrick’s understanding of therapy is just one big ball of fail, I see.
ILL LOGIC: 21
ETA: There's also been a follow-up from carakasla on how much this all fails. Read the post for all the details, but for now, I'll just be bumping a few points to DID NOT DO THE RESEARCH.
DID NOT DO THE RESEARCH: 6
"Done anything illegal?"
ZeldaQueen: Patch, stop projecting.
Ket: He’s not. I’m sure he doesn’t see anything wrong with anything he does. Including fucking up people’s lives.
"No." Occasionally breaking the speed limit wouldn't count. Not with him.
ZeldaQueen: I don’t think it counts with most people, unless you actually get caught and ticketed. Why’s she so certain he’s a hard-core criminal, anyway? I know he basically admitted to stalking her, but she’s somehow oblivious to that.
Ket: Because the story is beating us over the head with a brick about how much of a “bad boy” Patch is.
"Why don't you ask me something normal? Like ... my favorite kind of music?"
"I'm not going to ask what I can guess."
ZeldaQueen: *swells like a bullfrog* “Guess” my ass, YOU KNOW BECAUSE YOU’VE BEEN SPYING ON HER, FUCKHEAD!
FROM ASSHOLE TO NIGHTMARE: 7
"You do not know the type of music I listen to."
ZeldaQueen: Dear Christ Nora, have you learned nothing?
Ket: He knows you sleep naked. I’m sure he knows what you play in your car.
OUR INTREPID HEROINE: 7
"Baroque. With you, it's all about order, control. I bet you play ... the cello?" He said it like he'd pulled the guess out of thin air.
Ket: Ignoring the cliche of “the heroine is smart and not like other girls so she listens to classical music/reads classic books”, baroque is pretty specific. It’s classical music set in a very specific time period.
ZeldaQueen: I’m just scratching my head and trying to figure out how “she likes baroque and plays the cello” = “she likes order and control”. I’d understand if Patch was listing Nora’s hobbies and said she liked to, I don’t know, keep her pencils always lined up neatly on her desk and have an events organizer always on hand, but what does her music taste have to do with control?
Ket: Or if she liked hobbies that required a lot of precision and control, like model kits or real-time strategy games.
ILL LOGIC: 22
And of course the increasingly-popular count…
FROM ASSHOLE TO NIGHTMARE: 8
Yeah, I’m so sure Patch just happened to pull that guess out of thin air. Really.
"Wrong." Another lie, but this one sent a chill rippling along my skin.
ZeldaQueen: Again, why is this specifically what’s setting off her alarms?
OUR INTREPID HEROINE: 8
Who was he really? If he knew I played the cello, what else did he know?
ZeldaQueen: Oh my - NORA, HAVE YOU NOT BEEN PAYING ATTENTION? LIKE, AT ALL?
Ket: It’s not like he’s implying that he’s spying on her--he outright said it!
OUR INTREPID HEROINE: 9
[SNIP - PATCH ASKS ABOUT A BIRTHMARK ON NORA’S WRIST, WHICH HE INSISTS IS A SCAR. HE MOCKINGLY ASKS IF SHE’S SUICIDAL -
JERKASS EXTRAORDINAIRE: 14
WHICH IS IN INCREDIBLY POOR TASTE CONSIDERING WHAT WE’LL LATER LEARN. HE THEN RANDOMLY ASKS IF HER PARENTS ARE MARRIED OR DIVORCED, REALLY.]
"I live with my mom."
ZeldaQueen: Actually, as with most YA leads following in the same vein as Twilight, she basically lives alone. It’s a lot more convenient for her stalker boyfriend to follow her around against her wishes.
"Where's dad?"
ZeldaQueen: As a personal peeve of mine, "Dad" should be capitalized if it's being used in the place of an actual name.
"My dad passed away last year."
ZeldaQueen: *raises eyebrows* Oh? And where’s your reaction to him asking about that, Nora? You went slack-jawed when he asked you about sleeping naked, you were uncomfortable when he asked you about seeing the therapist, and you were freaked out when he “guessed” all your hobbies, but when he asks you about your dead dad you just spit it out without any reaction at all? Huh?
Ket: Oh, she has a reaction. Look:
"How did he die?"
I flinched. "He was-murdered. This is kind of personal territory, if you don't mind."
Ket: There, see? She flinched. That shows all of her pain!
ZeldaQueen: *rubs temples* I know people mourn in different ways, but Nora’s reactions to her dead dad are just… so muted it’s impossible to care. We’re inside of her head. We can see what she sees. This would have been a great time to, I don’t know, give a bit of a flashback to her getting the news about her dad or something!
Ket: I don’t think we’re supposed to. Dead Parent Syndrome has been around forever in fiction. It’s not a characterization device--it’s a plot point. The parent could have been a sibling or mentor or magical horse, for all it really matters.
ZeldaQueen: What gets me is how unnecessary it is. I haven’t read the original draft of this chapter (which is uploaded to Fitzpatrick’s website) for awhile, but I’m fairly certain that in it, Nora’s dad and mom are just divorced. Granted the later books do make his death a plot point… except that Fitzpatrick hadn’t planned on writing more books when she did this one. So I guess she made Nora’s dad a murder victim to up the emotional tension, and then didn’t put any emotional tension in.
There was a count of silence and the edge in Patch's eyes seemed to soften a touch. "That must be hard." He sounded like he meant it.
Ket: This attempt at an emotional connection falls flatter than a sheet of rice paper on the moon. For all of the dickery he has shown, outright mocking her about being suicidal, I really doubt he is going to give a tin shit about her dad dying.
ZeldaQueen: Not really, though that’s a discussion for the second book. I’d like to point out that this one moment is supposed to be Patch’s pet the dog moment of the chapter. Look at him, so genuinely sorry that Nora’s dad’s dead! It just makes up for him sexually harassing her and making her life difficult and upsetting her and basically making her uncomfortable! It makes us forget how he all but openly admitted to stalking her!
Except it doesn’t. There’s a trope by the name of Unintentionally Unsympathetic, which, among other things, gives the example of “Sometimes one is meant to be more complex or gray-area, but their Freudian Excuse just doesn't cover the acts they go on to commit. Yeah, we're sorry your little sister died in that building the superhero battle knocked over, but that doesn't make you not a sociopath for trying to blow up the hero’s entire planet.” This trope is going to more or less define Patch, but this is a good starting point for him. One instance of pretty much insincere sympathy doesn’t make up for him being a relentless douchebag for the rest of the chapter.
Ket: Even if it was a sincere gesture, it wouldn’t have much mattered at this point. I’m not going to forgive someone that broke into my house and stole all my shit because they watered my plants!
ZeldaQueen: An excellent point. And the book somehow backs both of us up by having Patch’s brief respite from assholery ruined when the bell, having apparently memorized its cue, rings. Patch promptly starts to leave the classroom as Nora shouts after him that she didn’t get any information on him yet.
Ket: *Grimly* all in good time, my dear idiot. All in good time.
ZeldaQueen: I honestly don’t know how she can’t get some stuff from their interview. He’s creepy, he invades her personal space, he spies on her, he knows all of her habits and hobbies and plans, he scares her, and he makes unfounded accusations about her. Those were all things one could deduce by observing him.
Ket: Shit, I’d like to see Patch’s face if she went up in front of the class and announced all of that.
ZeldaQueen: All the chocolate to whoever writes that spite fic.
Anyway, Patch’s reaction to this is to write his phone number on her palm, because I guess that’s sexy? She closes her hand into a fist almost immediately after, so by all rights his number should be an inky smear by the time she inevitably calls him. And yes, she’s pissed and insists she won’t call him, but we know that her mouth is saying “No” but the plot is saying “Yes”. Of course it won’t smear, because then the next chapter can’t happen.
Ket: *Sighs and slumps in her chair* I wish she’d turn that phone number over to the police and file a restraining order on him.
ZeldaQueen: Then the rest of the series wouldn’t happen, which I’d have no problem with at all.
Oh, and because we haven’t had enough jerkassery, Nora tries to counter all of this by insisting that she’s busy tonight and Patch starts grinning and saying that he is too.
JERKASS EXTRAORDINAIRE: 15
Yeah, no doubt busy spying on her.
Ket: Okay, well, fuck you both, then? Why do I care?
ZeldaQueen: Nora cares, since she’s somehow still convinced that she’s going to fail school forever or something if she doesn’t do this assignment.
"I stood nailed to the spot, digesting what had just happened. Did he eat up all the time questioning me on purpose? So I'd fail? Did he think one flashy grin would redeem him? Yes, I thought. Yes, he did."
ZeldaQueen: And the sad thing is, Fitzpatrick and the fangirls seem to agree.
Ket: You know, I’m really getting tired of these paper-thin plots to bring an asshole and a moron together. We’re in class together and then he disappears? Oh, I must be all up in his grill! My room mate is not professional enough to conduct her own interviews? Oh, I have to do it instead? This creepy fuckwaffle is stalking me and trying to get me to fail? Oh, I’d better go after him instead of going the principal!
ZeldaQueen: These are like plots stolen from pornos, only with slightly less focus on sex. And that sounds like the perfect parody of these books, When Asshole Met Moron.
Nora shouts after Patch that she won’t call him “Not-ever!” and yes that’s a hyphen mysteriously in there…
SAY WHAT?: 14
And at this point Vee shows up. Oh, yeah, remember her? Weren’t you just missing her so much?
Ket: It’s hard to miss someone with the characterization of a styrofoam cup.
ZeldaQueen: *snrk* Vee’s plenty pissed about her own new partner, mainly because “[She] got paired with a girl who said she just finished lice treatment this morning” and plans on writing a column in the school paper about bad seating charts. While this is plenty melodramatic, I must note that Vee at least is planning to do something. It’s a better knee-jerk reaction than what Nora has.
Ket: It’s a stupid reaction, anyway. No one is going to care about her whining at changed seating charts.
ZeldaQueen: Though if Nora collaborated with her and gave an interview about how her new seating partner spent the period discussing his stalking habits with her, I’d imagine it’d make a splash.
Ket: I’d imagine it wouldn’t make it in and be cut to ribbons by whatever teacher monitored it, but it might at least bring to someone’s attention what Patch is doing!
ZeldaQueen: I don’t think the school has any teachers besides Coach, but either scenario would work out beautifully.
Nora goes to tell Vee about her own new partner woes, but skips the whole “He somehow knows all of my pastimes and hobbies and made fun of me and made me feel scared” thing. You know, the important stuff. Instead, she simply points to him walking down the hall, where we’re informed “He had an annoyingly confident walk, the kind you find paired with faded T-shirts and a cowboy hat. Patch wore neither. He was a dark Levi's dark- henley-dark-boots kind of guy”. In case it made a difference what the stalker wore to accentuate his hawtness.
Ket: What the hell does that description even mean, anyway? He...walks like a cowboy? He’s from Texas? What?!
ZeldaQueen: Somehow, I now am imagining Patch as played by John Travolta strutting down the hall as “Stayin’ Alive” plays over the loudspeakers. I have no clue why.
Ket: It’s infinitely preferable.
ZeldaQueen: While Vee spends most of the book riding my last nerve, she does have a beautifully casual reaction towards Patch - she notes that he’s the “senior transfer” and basically suggests that he’s had to repeat the year three times. Because he’s a Bad Boy and they don’t graduate, I guess.
Ket: Number a, if he was a transfer, how would she know that? Number 2, this really smacks of Wardo repeating high school together. Because going to college and learning to cure cancer would make him too useful.
ZeldaQueen: Like I said, he can mindrape people into believing what he wants. So I guess he made everyone think he was repeating the grade a few times because… fuck, I don’t know, it amused him. There’s seriously no reason for him to be in high school at all. It’s ostensibly so he can get close to Nora, but out of school activities still exist!
Ket: And he doesn’t even talk to her until this stupid assignment. Wouldn’t it have served him better to actually approach her? Or use his stalking to go where she goes and become closer to her?
ZeldaQueen: *darkly* What he wants her for, we’ll see, doesn’t even require him approaching her. It’s really sick.
So right, Nora finally gets around to telling Vee a little bit about what a creeper Patch is, but doesn’t really do a good job of it. She just tells Vee that Patch “guessed” that she liked baroque music. Vee chalks it up to a lucky guess, which is the start of a depressing trend of people dismissing Nora’s fears in this series.
Ket: Fucking what? Like I said earlier, baroque music is a very specific time period of classical music. That would be like someone guessing I like psychobilly instead of rock.
ZeldaQueen: Well, Nora gets half a point for actually pressing the issue and telling Vee that he knew other stuff about her, and loses fifty more for leaving the issue by giving the example of, “Like how to get under my skin”. Not, you know, her choice of instrument or the colleges she’s going to or her diet or anything like that. No, the fact that he can ANNOY HER is on par with him knowing her specific taste in music!
Ket: Maybe it’s just me, but I would be a little more concerned about the fact that he knows that I sleep naked!
ZeldaQueen: Nonsense, the most valuable thing a guy can know is how to properly bug a girl! How else can he show affection? Besides, you know, actually showing affection? *spits*
Ket: Parents, please stop telling your children that if a boy pulls your hair it means he likes you. Teach them to stand up for themselves, or to not pull hair.
Nora decides to kinda-sorta do what we’ve been yelling at her to all along and goes to talk to Coach… but just to ask about the seating charts being changed. Not to do anything insane like tell how Patch basically said he was stalking her. That would be ridiculous!
And the pay-off for that?
“At the end of the day, I was the one who took a slap in the face. Coach shot down my plea to rethink the seating chart. It appeared I was stuck with Patch.
For now.”
ZeldaQueen: First of all…
OUR INTREPID HEROINE: 10
Because after all the shit that Patch pulled, all she does is ask for a seat change. She doesn't try to do something about him all but telling her outright that he's stalking her and she doesn't try to appeal to any higher authority in the school.
Second of all, could it have been any more obvious Fitzpatrick was wrapping up a one-shot to make way for a multi-chapter fic?
Ket: *Sigh* I guess we’ll have to assume that Patch mindfucked Coach, too.
ZeldaQueen: He did, but that doesn’t really explain Nora’s lack of action elsewhere. Still, that’s for another chapter. For now, I vote we take a break before Chapter 2.
Ket: I heartily agree. I’m getting the fuck out of here. Want to join me in a drink? I’m thinking about writing a plot treatment for that superhero story, too.
ZeldaQueen: Agreed. *pulls out magic hat* Ice cream?
Ket: Ice cream and booze!
ZeldaQueen: Hooray! :D
DID NOT DO THE RESEARCH - 6
SAY WHAT? - 14
ILL LOGIC - 22
JERKASS EXTRAORDINAIRE - 15
RELIGION FAIL - 3
HAND HOLDING - 10
ALL WOMEN ARE LUSTFUL - 2
LAUGH, GODDAMMIT - 3
FROM ASSHOLE TO NIGHTMARE - 8
OUR INTREPID HEROINE - 10
Onward to: Chapter 2 - Part 1
Back to: Chapter 1 - Part 1
Return to: Table Of Contents