The Gang: Chapter 2 - The Invitation
ZeldaQueen: In which we get the calm before the storm
Projection Room Voices: Warning, regular M.A.R.Y.S.U.E. sporking protocol overriden! Starting Media in 3...2...1...
Chapter 2 : The Invitation
ZeldaQueen: An invitation to spork this thing a new one? Don't mind if I do!
Raxis: I dunno about that, I feel like screaming "let me outta here!" XD Nah, I'm kidding, I'm back for chapter 2 :)
Benedict sat on the wall, in the warm sunshine outside his house looking sullen.
ZeldaQueen: His house was looking sullen?
Raxis: Or maybe it's the sunshine. This story is so bad it's driving the SUN into bouts of emo-ness!
Three days had passed since he had stumbled across the girl being stripped in the old wooden building and he had fled from the forest, and those three days had been a living torment.
Raxis: He's had to go three whole days without seeing a naked chick. Benedict. Meet Internet. Kindly stop whining.
ZeldaQueen: I could buy a twelve-year-old kid being horny, but I seriously doubt that most guys that age are "tormented" at being deprived of living porn
He could not get that vision out of his mind,
Raxis: They were his friends, he had to help them! (Yoda): "You must not go!"
he could not forget the thrill of it,
ZeldaQueen: Yes, the thrill of watching a girl being tormented as she screamed and begged for mercy. Our hero, dear viewers!
Raxis: Move over, Harry Potter and Samwise Gamgee!
and it haunted him.
ZeldaQueen: I want to get Courtney Crumrin in here. Then we'd get some proper haunting! :D
Raxis: Who?
ZeldaQueen: Young girl from a gothic comic series. Very badass. Knows how to bind "night things" to her will and uses them to get revenge on bullies
At night he lay in bed tossing and turning, trying to get to sleep with little success, and in the mornings when his mother woke him and forced him to get up he was virtually a zombie.
Raxis: He's seriously losing sleep over his sex drive? Dude, just whack off and get it over with.
ZeldaQueen: He already did that, remember?
Raxis: Right, right.
ZeldaQueen: Besides, this is a story by Neil. We know it's porn, he just refuses to admit it. He might as well just say that the water supply in the town is contaminated to make everyone extremely horny, and be done with it
For three days he’d been confined to the house and garden. His mother, when he had returned home that day, had been furious at the state of him.
Raxis: She caught the unmistakeable stink of a Neil-story protagonist and took action immediately to save her son.
ZeldaQueen: You know, this might not bother me so much in any other story. Coming from Neil, one of the most misogynistic asshats I've ever read? It just sounds like he's making the mom out to be a horrible shrew, keeping her son from seeing the boobies he craves
He had been filthy. His polo shirt was torn, and even his jeans showed signs of where the brambles had ripped at him. She had issued dire warnings of what would happen if he should return home in that state again; warnings that involved stripping in the garden, the garden hose; she had never talked to him like that before.
Raxis: What, she'll spray him with the hose?
ZeldaQueen: I...think Neil's implying that she'd beat him with it. Which, if I recall, is some sort of Jack Bauer technique...
Raxis: Ouchies.
All Benedict had wanted to do was to return to the forest,
Raxis: Run into the woods to find the fairy folk! :D
find a better way of spying on the building, and waiting, hoping that he might see another scene like he had before. The possibility of it, the anticipation, tormented him. But he still had another day of confinement. He wasn’t allowed out for another whole day.
Raxis: QED, he's stuck for the day.
ZeldaQueen: Jesus H. Christ kid, GET AN ISSUE OF PLAYBOY!
Workmen traipsed back and forth as he sat on the wall, and one of them paused before him, carrying a cardboard box containing a kitchen cabinet “Cheer up mate, it may never happen” he said with a wink. Benedict looked up at him but didn’t reply, ‘That’s what I’m afraid of’ he thought.
Raxis: Ok, whut was that? What are they implying? What're they even there for? Benedict's house isn't even fully built? Who puts whole cabinets in a cardboard box? I'M SO CONFUZZLED! D:
ZeldaQueen: we're going to find out that the house is being remodelled, after they recently moved in. I personally have no clue what the "It may never happen" line means. Given how Benedict is so sex-obsessed, I can only conclude that his mother is having an affair with the workmen to pay them for their services, which would also explain why that one seems in such a good mood
Raxis: Lovely.
Although the house was relatively modern, having been built in the 70’s, his parents were having the whole thing remodelled. Double glazing was being put in, an extension was to be built on the back, and the kitchen and bathroom were to be replaced.
ZeldaQueen: Raxis, do you suppose this all is important to the story?
Raxis: Shhhh, the longer he dwells on these pointless details the longer it takes to be back to the sex again!
ZeldaQueen: Point. *shushes*
Today, the new kitchen was being fitted.
ZeldaQueen: To be tied?
Raxis: It was being fitted to the sky! :D They have a state-of-the-art AERO KITCHEN.
His dad had said altogether the work would take four or five months to complete, and the whole operation: the noise, the mess, the inconvenience were making his mother stressed;
Raxis: Wow, that's worse than my sentences when I first began my fic...
ZeldaQueen: The dad's mother? Benedict's mother? This is why proper sentence structions are IMPORTANT, Neil!
even though it was she who had wanted the changes. She was snappy, and constantly giving Benedict jobs to do, or complaining at him for something or other.
ZeldaQueen: Normally, I could understand this. My mom's the same way, getting stressed over stuff like this and being grumpy as a result. Like I said though, it really just feels like Neil is trying to paint the mother in the worst light possible
Raxis: Eh, if Women aren't sexy they're worthless in Neil's eyes. They then become evil carpet-munchers and nipple-biters.
ZeldaQueen: Point. Just look at how glorious the "perfect mother" HE!Hermione was, letting those twits of daughters do anything
He just wanted to get out, away, into the forest.
Raxis: The forest of mystery. He just had to figure out how to get to Termina first.
ZeldaQueen: We can only hope he turns into a Stalfos
Raxis: I doubt the Stalfos would want him amongst them.
ZeldaQueen: Yeah, but that would be even better! They wouldn't back him up, and Link would kill him even quicker! :D
Raxis: Yaaaay :'D
Benedict was staring at the ants milling about a crack in the tarmac
ZeldaQueen: Wut?
pavement below his dangling feet,
ZeldaQueen: Either there's a floating sidewalk there, or someone dug one hell of a hole
Raxis: I think it's meant to be implied he's sitting on a wall.
ZeldaQueen: Then say that, dammit!
when he heard the voice.
ZeldaQueen: It was God, who smote Benedict and this fic in His fury
Raxis: Nah, make it The Morrighan instead. Death is the LAST part for Her >D
His whole body went rigid.
Raxis: Bad mental image.
ZeldaQueen: Especially given what's going to be happening in a few chapters...
He knew that voice; it was etched on his brain, it was the voice that had said “Shall we get her knickers off then?”
Raxis: We are as goldfish!
ZeldaQueen: Sorry, all I can think of is the Japanese urban legend about the ghost that haunts certain bathroom stalls and asks "Shall we wear the red vest?" If you say "Yes", it cuts your torso until you're bleeding profusely. Hopefully Benedict will share that fate!
“Hi” is all it had said this time. Benedict looked up slowly. He saw grubby white Nike trainers, khaki chinos, unbulged at the front, and a black van Halen t-shirt.
Raxis: So he's walking around wtih his fly down? Thanks for that.
ZeldaQueen: All the better for Neil to describe his errections. >___<
The muddy brown hair spilled around his shoulders, framing his beautiful face.
Raxis: Woah, didn't need that last part!
ZeldaQueen: Methinks Benedict is a tad confused on his sexuality
“Uh… hi” said Benedict in response.
“You’re new aren’t you?” said the boy.
“Only here” said Benedict.
Raxis: So that particular place is the only place that's new for him? He's been through every other square inch of planet earth? Boy gets around o_e
“I’m Paul” said the boy holding out his hand.
ZeldaQueen: *snarls* Don't you DARE defile the Beatles like that!
Benedict looked at it, afraid of what this simple gesture, this common courtesy, might signify.
Raxis: His body might dissolve on contact.
ZeldaQueen: Paul had an electric buzzer hidden in his hand, whoopee!
He took a deep breath, shook Paul’s hand and said “Ben”. He hated to be called Benedict.
ZeldaQueen: Which is why I shall continue to refer to the little bastard as "Benedict" for the entire rest of this sporking! ^_^
Raxis: And I shall call him Eggs Benedict :)
ZeldaQueen: XD
“What are you up to?” asked Paul.
“Nothing, just hanging out. Gotta help with stuff, with the house.” replied Ben.
ZeldaQueen: (Benedict) "Daydreaming about nekked girls, the usual stuff"
“Oh” said Paul “You like that do you?”
Raxis: This is all so rivetting!
“Nah, it’s crap” replied Ben.
Raxis: These people aren't teenagers, dumbass. I didn't see myself or my peers swearing so casually at that age. We would have said "it's dumb" or "it sucks" more likely.
ZeldaQueen: I just hear this dialogue spoken with Tommy Wisseau's voice. And what sort of teenager figures that another enjoys housework?
At that moment Ben’s mother, Margaret, was stood at the front door, wiping her hands on a tea-towel, looking to see where Ben had got to.
ZeldaQueen: Oh, that's easy! Ben drowned (and there was much rejoicing!)
Raxis: Don't summon Ben D:
ZeldaQueen: Why not? He might smite this fanfiction and Neil in the process! I'd gladly take a haunting and insanity for that one
She saw him sat on the wall,
ZeldaQueen: "Sitting", you illiterate twit!
his back arched away f-you shouldn't have done that-rom her slightly, talking to a boy she didn’t know. She smiled. She was aware that the move had been hard on Benedict and Amy, and although Amy seemed to have already made friends, Benedict, as far as she knew, had not.
Raxis: Oh boy, he's mak-you shouldn't have done that-ing friends, alright.
ZeldaQueen: Oh, and folks? Do keep in mind that line about Amy making friends
Raxis: Yes. Remember it. It'll haunt us.
She walked over.
Raxis: And then she ran!
“Benedict” she said gently. Ben-you shouldn't have done that- froze, already his mother had embarrassed him in front of his new friend by using his full name.
“Listen…” she continued “… it’s not going to be much fun around here today, so why don’t you go off and play.” As she said this she smiled at Paul, who smiled back and offered his hand.
Raxis: You're right hand com-you shouldn't have done that-es off? :O
ZeldaQueen: Maybe he's going to feed it to Audrey II?
“Paul” he said as he shook Margaret’s hand “Margaret” she replied.
Raxis: -and then Strider said"Legolas"and then Legolas said"Strider long time seen"-
Benedict didn’t know what to think.
ZeldaQueen: His brain clearly was only wired to understand sex and abusing women
His mother was giving him a reprieve, letting him off early, it could hardly be for good behaviour.
Raxis: It's not particularly hard to picture moms sending off their kids when they've got friends around.
He was free, to go back to the forest, to spy, to…
ZeldaQueen: OH, FOR FUCK'S SAKE!!!
except that Paul was here, how was he going to ditch Paul?
Raxis: Oh yeah, we've hit a bit of a logical quandry, haven't we? How're you gonna escape from Paul and get to where Paul is going? I don't think you thought your cunning plan all the way through, bucko.
ZeldaQueen: Eh, like it's a serious problem. The tit was all gung-ho to be friends with that bastard, so long as he got to watch girls being forcibly undressed, remember?
“Just don’t get yourself in a state like the other day.” she added.
“What state?” asked Paul.
ZeldaQueen: A state of idiocy
“Covered in dirt and dust from head to toe, and torn to pieces by brambles” responded Margaret, wiping her hands on the tea-towel again.
ZeldaQueen: Because it's soooo unusual for boys to get all dirty
Benedict cringed. Why did she have to tell him that? No, he wouldn’t guess. There was dirt, and there were brambles everywhere. It wouldn’t mean anything.
Raxis: The little fact that he got caught last time anyways doesn't matter to him. The girl who saw him will recognize him on sight.
ZeldaQueen: Stephenie Meyer would be proud of those Dead Herrings
Behind them the sounds of drilling suddenly filled the air, and Margaret turned her head. “I’d better get back inside, keep an eye on things” she said.
ZeldaQueen: Clearly this new house is over an oil well
“Nice to meet you, Paul. Be back for tea Benedict” she said as she withdrew to the house.
Raxis: Who's this Tea Benedict person?
ZeldaQueen: (Neil) "They're British because they have tea, cheerio, pip pip, and such things!"
Raxis: Well, they could be Hobbits! She wants him home for Afternoon Tea, then Dinner, then Supper.
ZeldaQueen: Don't insult the hobbits -_-
Raxis: Sorry >:
“Nice to meet you too, Margaret” replied Paul, and then more quietly to Benedict “Your mum seems really nice”
ZeldaQueen: (Paul) "She's got quite an ass"
“Seems” said Benedict “Just wait ‘til you get to know her.”
“Do you want to come and play?” asked Paul.
ZeldaQueen: Um...are these people five years old?
“Play what?” asked Ben, feeling a thrill of fear and excitement suddenly.
Raxis: (Paul) "Smash Brothers. I call Pikachu."
Raxis: (Benedict) "You bastard! D:"
ZeldaQueen: (Paul) "Grope the Girl, what else?"
“Don’t know” said Paul “What do you fancy?”
ZeldaQueen: Seeing as he's Neil's self-insert, underage girls, naturally
Ben sat there for a moment not knowing what to say. He couldn’t think of any games that didn’t sound childish. What he wanted to play was ‘strip a girl’
Raxis: Hey, you were close, Queeny.
ZeldaQueen: -___- God, but I hate being right all the time
but he couldn’t say that.
ZeldaQueen: Why not? Bright boy here clearly doesn't mind
“Football?” he suggested weakly.-you shouldn't have done that-
“Come on, let’s get out of here” said Paul, turning and walking off. Ben hesitated briefly, then slid of the wall, slaughtering a whole army of ants in the process, and followed him.
Raxis: NO, THE ANTS! T_T
ZeldaQueen: This guy just gets better and better. Way too obsessed with sex, no empathy for a struggling, crying girl, and now he cheerfully kills defenseless insects
Raxis: I'm sorry to say, but screwing with ants can be kinda fun XD mess up their lines and they dissolve into total chaos.
ZeldaQueen: Yeah, but after everything else this little fucker has been doing, and given what he will be doing, it comes across as rather creepy
They walked side by side in sil-you shouldn't have done that-ence for a while, until they turned off the road that led out of the estate, and onto a trail that led into the forest.
ZeldaQueen: By GOD, this is interesting!
“Where are we going?” asked Benedict rather nervously.
“We often play in the forest” said Paul “It’s quieter, -you shouldn't have done that- no adults around”
ZeldaQueen: This sounds like the set-up to a horror movie
Raxis: Neil wrote it, it's automatically horror.
ZeldaQueen: Point
“What… what do you play?” asked Ben tentatively.
Raxis: (Paul) "Tea parties. Don't judge."
ZeldaQueen: (Paul) "Doctor. Bend over, it's time for your prostate exam"
“All sorts. It’s fun.” said Paul.
Benedict walked along-you shouldn't have done that- in silence again. He wanted to ask about the girl, about the stripping. He wanted to ask about the other girls who’d been there helping Paul.
Raxis: Is this twit just plain stupid? He really thinks that's not what's waiting for him?
ZeldaQueen: You have to ask if a character written by Neil is stupid?
Raxis: Right, right. Only Airhead writes them dumber.
ZeldaQueen: And Fitzpatrick
He wanted to know if they were going to do it again, -you shouldn't have done that-if he could join in, if they might do it today.
ZeldaQueen: Seriously, WHEN IS BEN GOING TO COME AND SMITE THIS FUCKER???
Raxis: Stop calling him D:
His mind raced with possibilities but he couldn’t think of a way to broach the subject in an innocent or casual manner.
ZeldaQueen: Yes, it's not that he thinks it's wrong to ask if he can join in molesting unsuspecting girls. It's just that he can't think of a way to do it in a tasteful way x(
“We’ve got a gang” said Paul.
“A gang?” asked Ben, his voice quavering slightly.
Raxis: Yup, they're the worst pre-teen drug trafficers you'll ever see. They call themselves the British Midgets.
“Yeh. There’s a few of us.
ZeldaQueen: And given who's writing this fic, "a few of us" translates to "an entire group of sex-obsessed, creepy children"
We’ve got a great den in the forest. Do you want to see it?”
Raxis: Just mind the bears.
“Uh…” Ben didn’t know what to say. He was keenly aware this might be some sort of trap. Maybe they knew he had been spying, maybe they were going to punish him. Once he was there he’d be helpless with three of them to ambush him.
ZeldaQueen: You know, normally I'd be cheerfully hoping that the asshat would get a little karma headed his way. Unfortunate-you shouldn't have done that-ly, I know to be careful what I wish for, seeing as Neil is setting up for some SERIOUS fetish fuel for himself
Ben stopped.-you shouldn't have done that-
Raxis: Now if only Neil would stop, too.
“I don’t know” he said.
Paul stopped and turned to him “What’s the matter? It’s only a den.”
Ben opened and closed his mouth a few time, nothing came out as his mind wrestled with the uncertainties.
Raxis: But some wasps decided to fly in and move into his brain.
“I….” he managed eventually.
“We can go back if you want” said Paul.
Ben’-you shouldn't have done that-s mind reeled, surely they wouldn’t dare; he’d tell; they’d be in big trouble.
Raxis: This is such a quandry for him.
ZeldaQueen: You know, I'm surprised they haven't gotten into big trouble yet. I know they later handwave it that kids are too humiliated to admit to being assaulted, but Paul talks about it like they get dozens of kids stripped like that, even doing them in pairs at some point. Surely SOMEONE would cotton on!
Raxis: In Neil's sick world, little girls never report this sort of thing.
But they had dared with the girl. But… but she’d done something wrong. He didn’t know what it was, but she was being punished for something.
ZeldaQueen: *head des-you shouldn't have done that-k* YOU ARE THE MOST SELF-CENTERED, IDIOTIC WANKER THAT I'VE EVER HAD THE DISPLEASURE OF READING!
Raxis: I'm really getting sick of this bastard myself...
ZeldaQueen: Dude, I think FRED PHELPS would get sick of him!
He didn’t know what to do. He wanted to go, with every fibre of his being, become a part of this thing, whatever it was, have a chance to see a naked girl, but on the other hand the risks, the danger…
ZeldaQueen: YES, NEIL, WE GET IT! WE GET THAT YOUR LITTLE AVATAR IS EXTREMELY HORNY AND WANTS TO SEE NEKKED GIRLS! WE GET THAT HE'S SCARED OF THE RISKS! KINDLY STOP DRAWING IT OUT!!!
Raxis: GAH, GET ON WITH IT! ><
“I know what you’re worried about” -you shouldn't have done that-said Paul casually.
“What?” said Ben “What do you mean?”
Raxis: Wait, I just realized this, when did Eggs Benedict become just Ben?
ZeldaQueen: When he drowned When he said that he preferred that nickname to "Benedict"
Raxis: No, the narration called him Benedict a few lines up. Wait to be consistant, Neil.
ZeldaQueen: Neil is about as consistent as an infected digestive tract. By the way, is it just me, or is the Song of Healing playing backwards?
Raxis: It sounds nothing like Saria's song >:
ZeldaQueen: Huh, must just be me...
“You know what” said Paul, moving off again towards the forest.
Raxis: (Paul) "This is just ridiculous. I'm getting out of this fic, NOW. *storms out*"
ZeldaQueen: Christ, if only!
“No… I don’t…” replied Ben pathet-you shouldn't have done that-ically, before skipping to catch up.
ZeldaQueen: So not only is Benedict five, but he's also secretly a little girl. Lovely. He really should be scared of going to this clubhouse
Raxis: I was tempted to lol, and then I got to the last part of what you said.
“You saw us the other day didn’t you?” said Paul.
“No… that was someone else, it wasn’t me” stuttered Ben.
ZeldaQueen: (Benedict) "It was the one-armed man!"
Paul stopped again and -you shouldn't have done that- turned to look at Ben. Ben’s face was taught, his eyes bulging slightly,
Raxis: Might wanna get that checked on.
ZeldaQueen: Or not. Then, maybe he'd die! :D
his lips almost quivering. His whole body was tense like a piece of sprung steel.
Raxis: That can't be good for your muscles.
Paul put a friendly hand on Ben’s shoulder.
ZeldaQueen: As opposed to a hostile hand?
Raxis: And he put an angry fist to his crotch :D
“Look, I don’t know how much you saw, but we don’t do that sort of thing to our own. If you join the gang you’ll be one of us.” He said.
Raxis: OH, WONDERFUL, IF YOU JOIN UP, YOU'RE SAFE? THAT'S LOVELY!
ZeldaQueen: This just sounds more and more like something a sex offender would say. "Come on kid, don't you want to be a cool kid? If you join our group, we promise not to molest you!"
“One of… what… well who… I mean why did you…” stammered Ben trapped between denial and confession.
“She was just a tourist. We-you shouldn't have done that- don’t like tourists, they’re a pain in the arse.
Raxis: This is like Rocket Power, only evil and with sex.
ZeldaQueen: This is fucking creepy, that's what it is!
Raxis: Gotta love the casual tourist hatred.
All summer long they’re tramping through our forest. Whole bloody families of them. Sometimes the kids go off on their own,
Raxis: I'm picking up some bizarre seething hatred coming from Paul.
ZeldaQueen: I'm seriously starting to think that there is something in the water supply. Because while I could understand a group of kids getting PO'd that random people stumble into their hideout, I can't think of any who would decide that the proper course of action would be to abduct, strip, and torment them. Seems to me that someone who would jump to that conclusion would be DERANGED. Which would be fine if it was ONE KID, who we could buy as being unbalanced. But there are three kids we're introduced initially to, with another showing up, Benedict vying to join, and according to Paul there's more. How many budding sex offenders does this neighborhood have?
you know, to get away from the a-you shouldn't have done that-nnoying parents. If they bother us, invade our territory, or worse still, muck about in our den, we make them pay” explained Ben.
Raxis: Uhh, so Eggs Benedict's explaining what Paul and co. were doing with that girl? Why did he act like he didn't know, then?
ZeldaQueen: I get the feeling that this is Neil Paul justifying what they're doing >__<
Raxis: The dialogue articles says Eggs Benedicts explained it XD That's what I meant
ZeldaQueen: Well, I'd say that's just Neil being too busy wanking to properly edit his own work
“Are there… many tourists like that? I mean how often…”
“Often enough. It’s fun. Not just girls though, boys too sometimes. Actually, it’s more often boys than girls, but we get plenty of girls. -you shouldn't have done that- During the summer, if we’re playing in the forest, we’ll probably get two or three a week, sometimes more” said Paul.
Raxis: THEY DO THIS THAT OFTEN!? ><
ZeldaQueen: See what I mean, about how they shouldn't be getting away with this so well? I know it happens, but that much, for that long?
“Two or three a week? Bugger! What… do you always… you know…” said Benedict getting excited.
“Strip them?” asked Paul. Ben just nodded, his eyes wide open.
"Always. And more” replied Paul feigning far more casualness than he felt.
Raxis: (Paul) "Sometimes we DRESS THEM TOO! >D"
ZeldaQueen: *feels ill*
“More?” Ben blurted out.
“Yeh, more. You’ll find out.” Paul looked back towards the forest and after a pause added “Of course it’s always a lot more fun if we catch a pair of them: brother and sister, or boyfriend and girlfriend.”
ZeldaQueen: Jesus Fucking Christ on a handcart, is this supposed to be some child version of Eyes Wide Shut?
Ben was stunned. This wa-you shouldn't have done that-s what he had dreamed of. It wasn’t a one off, it wasn’t a fluke, this was a regular occurrence, and he had his chance to join in the fun, to strip a girl, see her naked…
Raxis: What noble goals.
ZeldaQueen: Methinks Benedict is channeling Neil, here
and more, whatever the more was. He flushed red, and felt his penis hardening, and was filled with that aching again. That aching that had never really left him since he’d seen that first naked breast; had realised that those knickers were coming off.
Raxis: Urge to kill.... RISING...
ZeldaQueen: Neil, so help me God, if you don't get your hands out of your pants RIGHT THIS INSTANT, I am going to go to your genitals with a FUCKING WEED WACKER!
Raxis: Do it, give him the Hartigan treatment! >D
ZeldaQueen: As soon as I figure out how to get the thing through a monitor, I will! >(
“Bugger!” he said again.
ZeldaQueen: Oh, you will, asshole. You will!
Raxis: He's British, you know.
Paul laughed. “If you want to join in the fu-you shouldn't have done that-n you’ll have to join the gang.
Raxis: (Paul): "And to join the gang you'll have to join the club, and to join the club you'll have to join the society, and you don't even wanna KNOW how you join the society!"
Which means you’ll have to be initiated, and you’ll have to swear an oath of secrecy. You can’t tell anyone about us, or what we do.”
Raxis: Apparently they've found a way to enforce said oath on their victims, too.
ZeldaQueen:-you shouldn't have done that- Best we learn is that the victims are basically shamed into silence, too embarassed to admit to it. That we're supposed to see the people who did this to them as the protagonists is staggering
“Why don’t they… I mean, what if they tell, don’t they tell? Don’t you get into trouble?” asked Ben.
“Nah. They never tell” replied Paul.
“Why not?” asked Be-you shouldn't have done that-n.
Raxis: Neil won't let it happen.
ZeldaQueen: Because then the underage sex will stop, and Neil won't have anything to wank to
“Most of them are too embarrassed. Would you -you shouldn't have done that- want to run to your mummy and say a gang of kids stripped you and stuff?
ZeldaQueen: OUR HEROES, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! PEOPLE WHO PSYCHOLOGICALLY TORMENT CHILDREN!
Raxis: Will the villains show up soon so I can start rooting for them?
ZeldaQueen: There really aren't any
Raxis: Ah, so plotless sex. Lovely.
ZeldaQueen: Pretty much. The last three or four chapters are devoted to an initiation ceremony that makes college hazing look pleasant
Anyway, we take precauti-you shouldn't have done that-ons, we have our insurance.” said Paul.
Raxis: There's a little-known dark side to Geiko.
ZeldaQueen: Nah, I'm thinking it's ties to the mafia
“Insurance? Like what?” asked Ben.
“Look all this will be revealed, but I’m not telling you all our secrets now.
ZeldaQueen: Probably because Neil hasn't thought of them
If you join you’ll find out, if not, then you won’t.” said Paul turning away from Ben again and slowly making his way back up the
ZeldaQueen: Oregon -
trail.
Raxis: FORD IT! MAYBE THE WAGON WILL TIP OVER!
“Are you coming?”
Raxis: He'll get around to it.
ZeldQueen: No, I think he already has. Multiple times
asked Paul as he headed-you shouldn't have done that- off, and then after a pause “Or do you always stand like that?”
ZeldaQueen: I think Neil can hear us D:
The joke was lost on Ben. After a moment’s frozen pause, Ben dashed to catch up.
“You said initiation, what sort of initi-you shouldn't have done that-ation?” asked Ben.
“You’ll have to wait and see. That’s another gang secret” said Paul.
“But what if I don’t like it? What if…?” began Ben.
Raxis: You're usually not meant to really like hazing rituals...
ZeldaQ-you shouldn't have done that-ueen: Apparently Benedict is too stupid to realize that this bastards aren't going to really give him a choice
“You mean what if you’re a cissy
ZeldaQueen: Either this is another bizarre Britishism, or Neil can't spell worth shit
Raxis: No, it's an Americanism. It's a classic young boy insult.
ZeldaQueen: Yeah, I know that. But isn't it usually spelled "sissy", as in short for "sister"?
Raxis: Oh right. I didn't know about the shortened bit though.
and a cry baby?” asked Paul.
ZeldaQueen: Yes, t-you shouldn't have done that-hat's right. Benedict is going to go through a humiliating procedure because of juvenile insults
“No. I mean, I don’t know what it is so how can I agree” asked Ben.
“You have to make a decision. Do you want to join us or not? It’s as simple as that. The initiation won’t-you shouldn't have done that- last long,
ZeldaQueen: You fucking liar
and then it’ll be over
Raxis: I sure hope so.
ZeldaQueen: Trust me, it's only over because Neil hasn't bothered to update
and you’ll be one of us”
ZeldaQueen: We accept him, one of us! Gooble, gooble, gooble, gooble!
said Paul injecting just enough impatience in his voice to put pressure on Ben.
Raxis: And you'll get to get into the lovely life of stripping little girls. Oh joys.
“But… I won’t have to take m-you shouldn't have done that-y clothes of will I? I won’t have to strip or anything?” he asked, finally finding the courage to voice his greatest fear.
ZeldaQueen: *face palm* Lord, this guy is stupid!
Paul stopped again and turned to Ben, levelling as sincere a gaze upon him as possible.
“Look Ben, I thought you were cool. I didn’t think you were a wuss. Just stop acting like a baby.
ZeldaQueen: Dear God, he really DID play the "Don't you want to be one of the cool kids?" card!
Raxis: Nothing cooler than a stripper ><
Every single member of the gang has been initiated in exactly the same way. Everyone, no exceptions.
ZeldaQueen: So you all are morons and sheep, no exceptions
Raxis: So who initiated the founders- actually, I don't want that answered.
ZeldaQueen: What I am morbidly curious about is what gave them the idea for the initiation
And in future,
Raxis: Paul has big plans for this little sex gang. And Paul channels a miniaturized version of John Galt up ahead, so get ready for a speech.
when other people join the gang,-you shouldn't have done that- they’ll be initiated in exactly the same way too.
ZeldaQueen: I'm sure it gives Benedict great peace of mind to know that other kids will be forced through the same humiliations he's got in store for him. And no, Neil, none of this justifies what's going to happen
When we started the gang last year, we made up the initiation,
ZeldaQueen: WHY? How in the WORLD did you think of that disgusting ritual???
Raxis: Because Neil wrote them, Queeny.
and we took it in turns to do it. We wouldn’t make something up that was so horrible, ‘cos then we wouldn’t have wanted to do it ourselves.
Raxis: OH WELL I'M SO GLAD YOU'RE BEING CONSIDERATE!
ZeldaQueen: This means nothing, ladies and gentlemen, except that a disturbingly large group of children share rather extreme kinks and definitions of "not horrible"
And no, you won’t have to strip.
ZeldaQueen: *tiredly* Keep this in mind, folks
Raxis: Lovely.
And I’m not saying any more. You make your mind up now. Join us or don’t, I couldn’t care less.
Raxis: You're putting in an awful lot of effort for somebody that you don't care about whether or not they join.
But if you don’t… well, just -you shouldn't have done that-don’t come anywhere near our den, in fact you’d better stay clear of the forest altogether, because if we catch you… Well you probably know what’ll happen if we catch you.”
ZeldaQueen: Aren't these people great? Nothing like threats to prove that you'd make a good friend!
Raxis: Considering he could, you know, report them.
Paul turned again and headed back up the trail, more quickly this time.
Ben stood immobile again, his mind a whirl. He didn’t know what to think. What was he letting himself in for? He knew what the benefits were going to be, they were going to be great, no, bloody amazing,
ZeldaQueen: NAKED, UNDERAGED GIRLS! WHAT THE FUCK?
Raxis: Yeah, nothing better than underaged girls. Who cares about boobs?
ZeldaQueen: This is Neil's world, remember? Here, underaged girls have boobs like Pamela Anderson
but the cost. What was the cost? Paul had reassured him, he wouldn’t have to strip, the initiation would be easy, they’d all done it. If he believed him.
ZeldaQueen: Why am I supposed to like this fucker, again? He shows no sympathy for others, he only thinks about the benefits for himself, and he is threatened by people and decides to befriend them, instead of TELLING THE POLICE!
Raxis: Yeah, Neil's doing a horrible job of allowing us to empathize with this little shit.
He chewed his lower lip, adrenalin pumping round his young adolescent body. All the pieces of the jigsaw flew around in his mind, until eventually, they all settled in place.
ZeldaQueen: A place called "idiot"
A calmness descended on Ben. He believed Paul. He believed everything he had said. He believed him for the same reason most people believed things: because he so desperately wanted to.
Raxis: Desperate for naked underaged girls. Don't forget that part.
ZeldaQueen: To quote the song Uninstall, now my heart is empty and numb, save for an unrelenting impulse to destroy all things that I can see
“Hold up!” shouted Ben, racing after Paul, “Okay, I’ll join.”
“Well that’s not entirely up to you.” said Paul.
“What do you mean?” asked Ben.
“It’s up to the gang. We’ll decide if you can join. We don’t let just anyone in.” said Paul.
Raxis: They have to have the required levels of fucked up.
“I thought you said…” said Ben.
“I asked if you wanted to join, I didn’t say you’d be allowed automatically. We’ll have to vote on it.” said Paul.
ZeldaQueen: Get used to this, people. Remember how Neil would used twisted logic to justify how the Sues in Hogwarts Exposed weren't sexually assaulting people and whatnot? These twatwaffles are going to continuously break the spirit of their promises and justify it by claiming they're adhering to the letter, and ignore the distress it causes others
Raxis: It's like a Jedi Truth, only fucked up.
“Who’s in the gang, how many are there?” asked Ben.
“You’ll have to wait and see.” said Paul.
ZeldaQueen: Seeing as this is Neil's world, an unusual number of people. Apparently sex-obsessed creepers all gather in one community here
“But what if they’re not there, how can they vote if they’re not there?” asked Ben nervously.
ZeldaQueen: They don't vote? Hello? How's that your problem?
Raxis: They probably share telepathy.
“Do you always ask this many questions?” countered Paul.
< “um,="" no,="" just…”="" said="" ben.=""
ZeldaQueen: Okay, I will admit that I have no clue where that came from. I thought it was an error from when I copied this chapter earlier, but when I double-checked Neil's Yahoo group, there just wasn't a line at all. Paul went from asking Benedict about asking so many questions to talking about how he's nervous. Fail!
Raxis: Err yeah, what the hell is that? @.@
“You’re nervous. Okay. We don’t need the whole gang to be present, but we do have to be quorate.” said Paul.
Raxis: That sounds vaguely middle eastern.
ZeldaQueen: It actually is a term, I believe. No idea why a teenager would bother using it, unless he were trying to emulate Calvin and Hobbes
Raxis: Maybe they came from Eragon.
“Korat,
ZeldaQueen: Whut?
what’s that?-you shouldn't have done that-” asked Ben.
“There you go again.
ZeldaQueen: Apparently Paul is being played by Ronald Regan
Raxis: Or HK-50.
It means that at least two thirds of the gang must be present for us to vote on anything.” said Paul.
Raxis: So why not just say two thirds? Using the big fancy third for no reason just makes you look stupid.
“So it means two thirds?” asked Ben sceptically.
“No, it means whatever number you decide. Any group, even the government, if they’re going to vote on stuff, have to decide what the minimum number of people should be before the vote can be taken. That number’s called a quorum.
ZeldaQueen: So nice of Neil to take time out of the underage sex to explain this to us
Raxis: It's all so necessary.
For a vote to take place the meeting must be quorate, meaning that at least that many people must be present, otherwise the vote can’t take place. We decided on two thirds, that’s all.”
“Why do you have to have a korat?” asked Ben.
ZeldaQueen: Dear God you're dumb! WHY DO YOU THINK?
Raxis: Because, reasons.
ZeldaQueen: Of course! -_-
“Otherwise it’d be stupid. I mean… I could go to the den on my own, propose a vote that makes me in charge of the gang, then vote on it. If I was on my own I’d vote for me and win.
Raxis: Nah, ya think? That's why we have this tricky Democracy thingy.
ZeldaQueen: As if a group of kids would actually follow that. When I got together with a group of kids once, we tried to create our own economy using Monopoly money to buy food from the snack table of the party our parents were holding. Within minutes, we were beating each other up to steal each other's money, or else ignoring the system and just eating the food
That wouldn’t be fair on the others would it?
ZeldaQueen: Oh what the fuck do you know about fair, you little shitstain? I'd hardly call it fair to abduct an unsuspecting kid and strip her and derive amusement from her suffering!
So you have to have a rule about how many people you need.” said Paul.
“How many might be there now then? Will there be enough? How will they know there’s going to be a vote?” asked Ben.
Raxis: What's with all this waffling? Can't they just have Paul decide to bring it up at the next sexing meeting? This is nothing but pointless details.
ZeldaQueen: Neil seems to think that this sort of thing counts as proper storytelling, like how Meyer thinks that describing Bella heating up lasagna counts as character development
“There’ll be enough” said Paul.
They climbed the ever steepening path through the forest in silence now.
Raxis: Did they talk to each other in silence while they were at it?
Ben’s questions had dried up. He was still nervous, still excited, still afraid, but he had committed himself now, and was trying to be optimistic of the outcome.
Raxis: Yup, thar be GIRLS TO MOLEST, WHAT'S NOT TO BE OPTIMISTIC ABOUT!?
ZeldaQueen: I hate this kid, I truly do
The silence was only interrupted by the chirping of the birds,
ZeldaQueen: And the click of the sniper rifle I was pointing at their heads
and the air was full of the scent of the trees. Suddenly Paul stopped and pointed “Look! A deer.”
Raxis: If only GLaDOS were saying that; she follows that line up with sealing the room you're in and gassing you to death.
By the time Ben had looked over to where Paul had pointed, he saw only a blur, and heard the rustling of a bush.
ZeldaQueen: Sorry, they seem to have stumbled onto a stage for Sonic the Hedgehog
“Did you get deer in the Forest of Dean?” asked Paul.
“Yeh, loads of them” said Ben “and sheep. Loads of sheep.”
Raxis: This is utterly pointless.
ZeldaQueen: I dunno, if this thing had continued, I have the nasty feeling that Neil would have introduced a sheep fetish...
After a few more yards Ben suddenly stopped in his tracks. “How did you know I came from the Forest of Dean?” he asked.
Raxis: The implications being Paul is spying on him?
ZeldaQueen: I guess? Because that's not creepy at all!
“Shhh!” said Paul “We’re nearly there.”
Raxis: Wait, what? That's it? It's over now? :D Yaaaaay!
ZeldaQueen: Not quite. We still have a few more chapters to go
Raxis: I know, I just meant this chapter was over. And what an ending. It's right up there with Legolas by Laura.
ZeldaQueen: Yeah, bland and abrupt. Ah well, time to rest up before our next sporking and - hey, hang on a minute. I think a statue of Link just materialized behind me. How od -
Raxis: I just noticed that too- *lifts into the air and simultaneously catches fire and gets electrocuted* Ouchies D:
ZeldaQueen (?): 'Till next time, folks! And remember, always eat your wheaties and you shouldn't have done that
Raxis: *dazed* what the pretty lady said!
Onward to: Chapter 3 - Second Thoughts
Back to: Chapter 1 - Benedict Davidson
Return to: Table of Contents
Projection Room Voices: Warning, regular M.A.R.Y.S.U.E. sporking protocol overriden! Starting Media in 3...2...1...
Chapter 2 : The Invitation
ZeldaQueen: An invitation to spork this thing a new one? Don't mind if I do!
Raxis: I dunno about that, I feel like screaming "let me outta here!" XD Nah, I'm kidding, I'm back for chapter 2 :)
Benedict sat on the wall, in the warm sunshine outside his house looking sullen.
ZeldaQueen: His house was looking sullen?
Raxis: Or maybe it's the sunshine. This story is so bad it's driving the SUN into bouts of emo-ness!
Three days had passed since he had stumbled across the girl being stripped in the old wooden building and he had fled from the forest, and those three days had been a living torment.
Raxis: He's had to go three whole days without seeing a naked chick. Benedict. Meet Internet. Kindly stop whining.
ZeldaQueen: I could buy a twelve-year-old kid being horny, but I seriously doubt that most guys that age are "tormented" at being deprived of living porn
He could not get that vision out of his mind,
Raxis: They were his friends, he had to help them! (Yoda): "You must not go!"
he could not forget the thrill of it,
ZeldaQueen: Yes, the thrill of watching a girl being tormented as she screamed and begged for mercy. Our hero, dear viewers!
Raxis: Move over, Harry Potter and Samwise Gamgee!
and it haunted him.
ZeldaQueen: I want to get Courtney Crumrin in here. Then we'd get some proper haunting! :D
Raxis: Who?
ZeldaQueen: Young girl from a gothic comic series. Very badass. Knows how to bind "night things" to her will and uses them to get revenge on bullies
At night he lay in bed tossing and turning, trying to get to sleep with little success, and in the mornings when his mother woke him and forced him to get up he was virtually a zombie.
Raxis: He's seriously losing sleep over his sex drive? Dude, just whack off and get it over with.
ZeldaQueen: He already did that, remember?
Raxis: Right, right.
ZeldaQueen: Besides, this is a story by Neil. We know it's porn, he just refuses to admit it. He might as well just say that the water supply in the town is contaminated to make everyone extremely horny, and be done with it
For three days he’d been confined to the house and garden. His mother, when he had returned home that day, had been furious at the state of him.
Raxis: She caught the unmistakeable stink of a Neil-story protagonist and took action immediately to save her son.
ZeldaQueen: You know, this might not bother me so much in any other story. Coming from Neil, one of the most misogynistic asshats I've ever read? It just sounds like he's making the mom out to be a horrible shrew, keeping her son from seeing the boobies he craves
He had been filthy. His polo shirt was torn, and even his jeans showed signs of where the brambles had ripped at him. She had issued dire warnings of what would happen if he should return home in that state again; warnings that involved stripping in the garden, the garden hose; she had never talked to him like that before.
Raxis: What, she'll spray him with the hose?
ZeldaQueen: I...think Neil's implying that she'd beat him with it. Which, if I recall, is some sort of Jack Bauer technique...
Raxis: Ouchies.
All Benedict had wanted to do was to return to the forest,
Raxis: Run into the woods to find the fairy folk! :D
find a better way of spying on the building, and waiting, hoping that he might see another scene like he had before. The possibility of it, the anticipation, tormented him. But he still had another day of confinement. He wasn’t allowed out for another whole day.
Raxis: QED, he's stuck for the day.
ZeldaQueen: Jesus H. Christ kid, GET AN ISSUE OF PLAYBOY!
Workmen traipsed back and forth as he sat on the wall, and one of them paused before him, carrying a cardboard box containing a kitchen cabinet “Cheer up mate, it may never happen” he said with a wink. Benedict looked up at him but didn’t reply, ‘That’s what I’m afraid of’ he thought.
Raxis: Ok, whut was that? What are they implying? What're they even there for? Benedict's house isn't even fully built? Who puts whole cabinets in a cardboard box? I'M SO CONFUZZLED! D:
ZeldaQueen: we're going to find out that the house is being remodelled, after they recently moved in. I personally have no clue what the "It may never happen" line means. Given how Benedict is so sex-obsessed, I can only conclude that his mother is having an affair with the workmen to pay them for their services, which would also explain why that one seems in such a good mood
Raxis: Lovely.
Although the house was relatively modern, having been built in the 70’s, his parents were having the whole thing remodelled. Double glazing was being put in, an extension was to be built on the back, and the kitchen and bathroom were to be replaced.
ZeldaQueen: Raxis, do you suppose this all is important to the story?
Raxis: Shhhh, the longer he dwells on these pointless details the longer it takes to be back to the sex again!
ZeldaQueen: Point. *shushes*
Today, the new kitchen was being fitted.
ZeldaQueen: To be tied?
Raxis: It was being fitted to the sky! :D They have a state-of-the-art AERO KITCHEN.
His dad had said altogether the work would take four or five months to complete, and the whole operation: the noise, the mess, the inconvenience were making his mother stressed;
Raxis: Wow, that's worse than my sentences when I first began my fic...
ZeldaQueen: The dad's mother? Benedict's mother? This is why proper sentence structions are IMPORTANT, Neil!
even though it was she who had wanted the changes. She was snappy, and constantly giving Benedict jobs to do, or complaining at him for something or other.
ZeldaQueen: Normally, I could understand this. My mom's the same way, getting stressed over stuff like this and being grumpy as a result. Like I said though, it really just feels like Neil is trying to paint the mother in the worst light possible
Raxis: Eh, if Women aren't sexy they're worthless in Neil's eyes. They then become evil carpet-munchers and nipple-biters.
ZeldaQueen: Point. Just look at how glorious the "perfect mother" HE!Hermione was, letting those twits of daughters do anything
He just wanted to get out, away, into the forest.
Raxis: The forest of mystery. He just had to figure out how to get to Termina first.
ZeldaQueen: We can only hope he turns into a Stalfos
Raxis: I doubt the Stalfos would want him amongst them.
ZeldaQueen: Yeah, but that would be even better! They wouldn't back him up, and Link would kill him even quicker! :D
Raxis: Yaaaay :'D
Benedict was staring at the ants milling about a crack in the tarmac
ZeldaQueen: Wut?
pavement below his dangling feet,
ZeldaQueen: Either there's a floating sidewalk there, or someone dug one hell of a hole
Raxis: I think it's meant to be implied he's sitting on a wall.
ZeldaQueen: Then say that, dammit!
when he heard the voice.
ZeldaQueen: It was God, who smote Benedict and this fic in His fury
Raxis: Nah, make it The Morrighan instead. Death is the LAST part for Her >D
His whole body went rigid.
Raxis: Bad mental image.
ZeldaQueen: Especially given what's going to be happening in a few chapters...
He knew that voice; it was etched on his brain, it was the voice that had said “Shall we get her knickers off then?”
Raxis: We are as goldfish!
ZeldaQueen: Sorry, all I can think of is the Japanese urban legend about the ghost that haunts certain bathroom stalls and asks "Shall we wear the red vest?" If you say "Yes", it cuts your torso until you're bleeding profusely. Hopefully Benedict will share that fate!
“Hi” is all it had said this time. Benedict looked up slowly. He saw grubby white Nike trainers, khaki chinos, unbulged at the front, and a black van Halen t-shirt.
Raxis: So he's walking around wtih his fly down? Thanks for that.
ZeldaQueen: All the better for Neil to describe his errections. >___<
The muddy brown hair spilled around his shoulders, framing his beautiful face.
Raxis: Woah, didn't need that last part!
ZeldaQueen: Methinks Benedict is a tad confused on his sexuality
“Uh… hi” said Benedict in response.
“You’re new aren’t you?” said the boy.
“Only here” said Benedict.
Raxis: So that particular place is the only place that's new for him? He's been through every other square inch of planet earth? Boy gets around o_e
“I’m Paul” said the boy holding out his hand.
ZeldaQueen: *snarls* Don't you DARE defile the Beatles like that!
Benedict looked at it, afraid of what this simple gesture, this common courtesy, might signify.
Raxis: His body might dissolve on contact.
ZeldaQueen: Paul had an electric buzzer hidden in his hand, whoopee!
He took a deep breath, shook Paul’s hand and said “Ben”. He hated to be called Benedict.
ZeldaQueen: Which is why I shall continue to refer to the little bastard as "Benedict" for the entire rest of this sporking! ^_^
Raxis: And I shall call him Eggs Benedict :)
ZeldaQueen: XD
“What are you up to?” asked Paul.
“Nothing, just hanging out. Gotta help with stuff, with the house.” replied Ben.
ZeldaQueen: (Benedict) "Daydreaming about nekked girls, the usual stuff"
“Oh” said Paul “You like that do you?”
Raxis: This is all so rivetting!
“Nah, it’s crap” replied Ben.
Raxis: These people aren't teenagers, dumbass. I didn't see myself or my peers swearing so casually at that age. We would have said "it's dumb" or "it sucks" more likely.
ZeldaQueen: I just hear this dialogue spoken with Tommy Wisseau's voice. And what sort of teenager figures that another enjoys housework?
At that moment Ben’s mother, Margaret, was stood at the front door, wiping her hands on a tea-towel, looking to see where Ben had got to.
ZeldaQueen: Oh, that's easy! Ben drowned (and there was much rejoicing!)
Raxis: Don't summon Ben D:
ZeldaQueen: Why not? He might smite this fanfiction and Neil in the process! I'd gladly take a haunting and insanity for that one
She saw him sat on the wall,
ZeldaQueen: "Sitting", you illiterate twit!
his back arched away f-you shouldn't have done that-rom her slightly, talking to a boy she didn’t know. She smiled. She was aware that the move had been hard on Benedict and Amy, and although Amy seemed to have already made friends, Benedict, as far as she knew, had not.
Raxis: Oh boy, he's mak-you shouldn't have done that-ing friends, alright.
ZeldaQueen: Oh, and folks? Do keep in mind that line about Amy making friends
Raxis: Yes. Remember it. It'll haunt us.
She walked over.
Raxis: And then she ran!
“Benedict” she said gently. Ben-you shouldn't have done that- froze, already his mother had embarrassed him in front of his new friend by using his full name.
“Listen…” she continued “… it’s not going to be much fun around here today, so why don’t you go off and play.” As she said this she smiled at Paul, who smiled back and offered his hand.
Raxis: You're right hand com-you shouldn't have done that-es off? :O
ZeldaQueen: Maybe he's going to feed it to Audrey II?
“Paul” he said as he shook Margaret’s hand “Margaret” she replied.
Raxis: -and then Strider said"Legolas"and then Legolas said"Strider long time seen"-
Benedict didn’t know what to think.
ZeldaQueen: His brain clearly was only wired to understand sex and abusing women
His mother was giving him a reprieve, letting him off early, it could hardly be for good behaviour.
Raxis: It's not particularly hard to picture moms sending off their kids when they've got friends around.
He was free, to go back to the forest, to spy, to…
ZeldaQueen: OH, FOR FUCK'S SAKE!!!
except that Paul was here, how was he going to ditch Paul?
Raxis: Oh yeah, we've hit a bit of a logical quandry, haven't we? How're you gonna escape from Paul and get to where Paul is going? I don't think you thought your cunning plan all the way through, bucko.
ZeldaQueen: Eh, like it's a serious problem. The tit was all gung-ho to be friends with that bastard, so long as he got to watch girls being forcibly undressed, remember?
“Just don’t get yourself in a state like the other day.” she added.
“What state?” asked Paul.
ZeldaQueen: A state of idiocy
“Covered in dirt and dust from head to toe, and torn to pieces by brambles” responded Margaret, wiping her hands on the tea-towel again.
ZeldaQueen: Because it's soooo unusual for boys to get all dirty
Benedict cringed. Why did she have to tell him that? No, he wouldn’t guess. There was dirt, and there were brambles everywhere. It wouldn’t mean anything.
Raxis: The little fact that he got caught last time anyways doesn't matter to him. The girl who saw him will recognize him on sight.
ZeldaQueen: Stephenie Meyer would be proud of those Dead Herrings
Behind them the sounds of drilling suddenly filled the air, and Margaret turned her head. “I’d better get back inside, keep an eye on things” she said.
ZeldaQueen: Clearly this new house is over an oil well
“Nice to meet you, Paul. Be back for tea Benedict” she said as she withdrew to the house.
Raxis: Who's this Tea Benedict person?
ZeldaQueen: (Neil) "They're British because they have tea, cheerio, pip pip, and such things!"
Raxis: Well, they could be Hobbits! She wants him home for Afternoon Tea, then Dinner, then Supper.
ZeldaQueen: Don't insult the hobbits -_-
Raxis: Sorry >:
“Nice to meet you too, Margaret” replied Paul, and then more quietly to Benedict “Your mum seems really nice”
ZeldaQueen: (Paul) "She's got quite an ass"
“Seems” said Benedict “Just wait ‘til you get to know her.”
“Do you want to come and play?” asked Paul.
ZeldaQueen: Um...are these people five years old?
“Play what?” asked Ben, feeling a thrill of fear and excitement suddenly.
Raxis: (Paul) "Smash Brothers. I call Pikachu."
Raxis: (Benedict) "You bastard! D:"
ZeldaQueen: (Paul) "Grope the Girl, what else?"
“Don’t know” said Paul “What do you fancy?”
ZeldaQueen: Seeing as he's Neil's self-insert, underage girls, naturally
Ben sat there for a moment not knowing what to say. He couldn’t think of any games that didn’t sound childish. What he wanted to play was ‘strip a girl’
Raxis: Hey, you were close, Queeny.
ZeldaQueen: -___- God, but I hate being right all the time
but he couldn’t say that.
ZeldaQueen: Why not? Bright boy here clearly doesn't mind
“Football?” he suggested weakly.-you shouldn't have done that-
“Come on, let’s get out of here” said Paul, turning and walking off. Ben hesitated briefly, then slid of the wall, slaughtering a whole army of ants in the process, and followed him.
Raxis: NO, THE ANTS! T_T
ZeldaQueen: This guy just gets better and better. Way too obsessed with sex, no empathy for a struggling, crying girl, and now he cheerfully kills defenseless insects
Raxis: I'm sorry to say, but screwing with ants can be kinda fun XD mess up their lines and they dissolve into total chaos.
ZeldaQueen: Yeah, but after everything else this little fucker has been doing, and given what he will be doing, it comes across as rather creepy
They walked side by side in sil-you shouldn't have done that-ence for a while, until they turned off the road that led out of the estate, and onto a trail that led into the forest.
ZeldaQueen: By GOD, this is interesting!
“Where are we going?” asked Benedict rather nervously.
“We often play in the forest” said Paul “It’s quieter, -you shouldn't have done that- no adults around”
ZeldaQueen: This sounds like the set-up to a horror movie
Raxis: Neil wrote it, it's automatically horror.
ZeldaQueen: Point
“What… what do you play?” asked Ben tentatively.
Raxis: (Paul) "Tea parties. Don't judge."
ZeldaQueen: (Paul) "Doctor. Bend over, it's time for your prostate exam"
“All sorts. It’s fun.” said Paul.
Benedict walked along-you shouldn't have done that- in silence again. He wanted to ask about the girl, about the stripping. He wanted to ask about the other girls who’d been there helping Paul.
Raxis: Is this twit just plain stupid? He really thinks that's not what's waiting for him?
ZeldaQueen: You have to ask if a character written by Neil is stupid?
Raxis: Right, right. Only Airhead writes them dumber.
ZeldaQueen: And Fitzpatrick
He wanted to know if they were going to do it again, -you shouldn't have done that-if he could join in, if they might do it today.
ZeldaQueen: Seriously, WHEN IS BEN GOING TO COME AND SMITE THIS FUCKER???
Raxis: Stop calling him D:
His mind raced with possibilities but he couldn’t think of a way to broach the subject in an innocent or casual manner.
ZeldaQueen: Yes, it's not that he thinks it's wrong to ask if he can join in molesting unsuspecting girls. It's just that he can't think of a way to do it in a tasteful way x(
“We’ve got a gang” said Paul.
“A gang?” asked Ben, his voice quavering slightly.
Raxis: Yup, they're the worst pre-teen drug trafficers you'll ever see. They call themselves the British Midgets.
“Yeh. There’s a few of us.
ZeldaQueen: And given who's writing this fic, "a few of us" translates to "an entire group of sex-obsessed, creepy children"
We’ve got a great den in the forest. Do you want to see it?”
Raxis: Just mind the bears.
“Uh…” Ben didn’t know what to say. He was keenly aware this might be some sort of trap. Maybe they knew he had been spying, maybe they were going to punish him. Once he was there he’d be helpless with three of them to ambush him.
ZeldaQueen: You know, normally I'd be cheerfully hoping that the asshat would get a little karma headed his way. Unfortunate-you shouldn't have done that-ly, I know to be careful what I wish for, seeing as Neil is setting up for some SERIOUS fetish fuel for himself
Ben stopped.-you shouldn't have done that-
Raxis: Now if only Neil would stop, too.
“I don’t know” he said.
Paul stopped and turned to him “What’s the matter? It’s only a den.”
Ben opened and closed his mouth a few time, nothing came out as his mind wrestled with the uncertainties.
Raxis: But some wasps decided to fly in and move into his brain.
“I….” he managed eventually.
“We can go back if you want” said Paul.
Ben’-you shouldn't have done that-s mind reeled, surely they wouldn’t dare; he’d tell; they’d be in big trouble.
Raxis: This is such a quandry for him.
ZeldaQueen: You know, I'm surprised they haven't gotten into big trouble yet. I know they later handwave it that kids are too humiliated to admit to being assaulted, but Paul talks about it like they get dozens of kids stripped like that, even doing them in pairs at some point. Surely SOMEONE would cotton on!
Raxis: In Neil's sick world, little girls never report this sort of thing.
But they had dared with the girl. But… but she’d done something wrong. He didn’t know what it was, but she was being punished for something.
ZeldaQueen: *head des-you shouldn't have done that-k* YOU ARE THE MOST SELF-CENTERED, IDIOTIC WANKER THAT I'VE EVER HAD THE DISPLEASURE OF READING!
Raxis: I'm really getting sick of this bastard myself...
ZeldaQueen: Dude, I think FRED PHELPS would get sick of him!
He didn’t know what to do. He wanted to go, with every fibre of his being, become a part of this thing, whatever it was, have a chance to see a naked girl, but on the other hand the risks, the danger…
ZeldaQueen: YES, NEIL, WE GET IT! WE GET THAT YOUR LITTLE AVATAR IS EXTREMELY HORNY AND WANTS TO SEE NEKKED GIRLS! WE GET THAT HE'S SCARED OF THE RISKS! KINDLY STOP DRAWING IT OUT!!!
Raxis: GAH, GET ON WITH IT! ><
“I know what you’re worried about” -you shouldn't have done that-said Paul casually.
“What?” said Ben “What do you mean?”
Raxis: Wait, I just realized this, when did Eggs Benedict become just Ben?
ZeldaQueen: When he drowned When he said that he preferred that nickname to "Benedict"
Raxis: No, the narration called him Benedict a few lines up. Wait to be consistant, Neil.
ZeldaQueen: Neil is about as consistent as an infected digestive tract. By the way, is it just me, or is the Song of Healing playing backwards?
Raxis: It sounds nothing like Saria's song >:
ZeldaQueen: Huh, must just be me...
“You know what” said Paul, moving off again towards the forest.
Raxis: (Paul) "This is just ridiculous. I'm getting out of this fic, NOW. *storms out*"
ZeldaQueen: Christ, if only!
“No… I don’t…” replied Ben pathet-you shouldn't have done that-ically, before skipping to catch up.
ZeldaQueen: So not only is Benedict five, but he's also secretly a little girl. Lovely. He really should be scared of going to this clubhouse
Raxis: I was tempted to lol, and then I got to the last part of what you said.
“You saw us the other day didn’t you?” said Paul.
“No… that was someone else, it wasn’t me” stuttered Ben.
ZeldaQueen: (Benedict) "It was the one-armed man!"
Paul stopped again and -you shouldn't have done that- turned to look at Ben. Ben’s face was taught, his eyes bulging slightly,
Raxis: Might wanna get that checked on.
ZeldaQueen: Or not. Then, maybe he'd die! :D
his lips almost quivering. His whole body was tense like a piece of sprung steel.
Raxis: That can't be good for your muscles.
Paul put a friendly hand on Ben’s shoulder.
ZeldaQueen: As opposed to a hostile hand?
Raxis: And he put an angry fist to his crotch :D
“Look, I don’t know how much you saw, but we don’t do that sort of thing to our own. If you join the gang you’ll be one of us.” He said.
Raxis: OH, WONDERFUL, IF YOU JOIN UP, YOU'RE SAFE? THAT'S LOVELY!
ZeldaQueen: This just sounds more and more like something a sex offender would say. "Come on kid, don't you want to be a cool kid? If you join our group, we promise not to molest you!"
“One of… what… well who… I mean why did you…” stammered Ben trapped between denial and confession.
“She was just a tourist. We-you shouldn't have done that- don’t like tourists, they’re a pain in the arse.
Raxis: This is like Rocket Power, only evil and with sex.
ZeldaQueen: This is fucking creepy, that's what it is!
Raxis: Gotta love the casual tourist hatred.
All summer long they’re tramping through our forest. Whole bloody families of them. Sometimes the kids go off on their own,
Raxis: I'm picking up some bizarre seething hatred coming from Paul.
ZeldaQueen: I'm seriously starting to think that there is something in the water supply. Because while I could understand a group of kids getting PO'd that random people stumble into their hideout, I can't think of any who would decide that the proper course of action would be to abduct, strip, and torment them. Seems to me that someone who would jump to that conclusion would be DERANGED. Which would be fine if it was ONE KID, who we could buy as being unbalanced. But there are three kids we're introduced initially to, with another showing up, Benedict vying to join, and according to Paul there's more. How many budding sex offenders does this neighborhood have?
you know, to get away from the a-you shouldn't have done that-nnoying parents. If they bother us, invade our territory, or worse still, muck about in our den, we make them pay” explained Ben.
Raxis: Uhh, so Eggs Benedict's explaining what Paul and co. were doing with that girl? Why did he act like he didn't know, then?
ZeldaQueen: I get the feeling that this is Neil Paul justifying what they're doing >__<
Raxis: The dialogue articles says Eggs Benedicts explained it XD That's what I meant
ZeldaQueen: Well, I'd say that's just Neil being too busy wanking to properly edit his own work
“Are there… many tourists like that? I mean how often…”
“Often enough. It’s fun. Not just girls though, boys too sometimes. Actually, it’s more often boys than girls, but we get plenty of girls. -you shouldn't have done that- During the summer, if we’re playing in the forest, we’ll probably get two or three a week, sometimes more” said Paul.
Raxis: THEY DO THIS THAT OFTEN!? ><
ZeldaQueen: See what I mean, about how they shouldn't be getting away with this so well? I know it happens, but that much, for that long?
“Two or three a week? Bugger! What… do you always… you know…” said Benedict getting excited.
“Strip them?” asked Paul. Ben just nodded, his eyes wide open.
"Always. And more” replied Paul feigning far more casualness than he felt.
Raxis: (Paul) "Sometimes we DRESS THEM TOO! >D"
ZeldaQueen: *feels ill*
“More?” Ben blurted out.
“Yeh, more. You’ll find out.” Paul looked back towards the forest and after a pause added “Of course it’s always a lot more fun if we catch a pair of them: brother and sister, or boyfriend and girlfriend.”
ZeldaQueen: Jesus Fucking Christ on a handcart, is this supposed to be some child version of Eyes Wide Shut?
Ben was stunned. This wa-you shouldn't have done that-s what he had dreamed of. It wasn’t a one off, it wasn’t a fluke, this was a regular occurrence, and he had his chance to join in the fun, to strip a girl, see her naked…
Raxis: What noble goals.
ZeldaQueen: Methinks Benedict is channeling Neil, here
and more, whatever the more was. He flushed red, and felt his penis hardening, and was filled with that aching again. That aching that had never really left him since he’d seen that first naked breast; had realised that those knickers were coming off.
Raxis: Urge to kill.... RISING...
ZeldaQueen: Neil, so help me God, if you don't get your hands out of your pants RIGHT THIS INSTANT, I am going to go to your genitals with a FUCKING WEED WACKER!
Raxis: Do it, give him the Hartigan treatment! >D
ZeldaQueen: As soon as I figure out how to get the thing through a monitor, I will! >(
“Bugger!” he said again.
ZeldaQueen: Oh, you will, asshole. You will!
Raxis: He's British, you know.
Paul laughed. “If you want to join in the fu-you shouldn't have done that-n you’ll have to join the gang.
Raxis: (Paul): "And to join the gang you'll have to join the club, and to join the club you'll have to join the society, and you don't even wanna KNOW how you join the society!"
Which means you’ll have to be initiated, and you’ll have to swear an oath of secrecy. You can’t tell anyone about us, or what we do.”
Raxis: Apparently they've found a way to enforce said oath on their victims, too.
ZeldaQueen:-you shouldn't have done that- Best we learn is that the victims are basically shamed into silence, too embarassed to admit to it. That we're supposed to see the people who did this to them as the protagonists is staggering
“Why don’t they… I mean, what if they tell, don’t they tell? Don’t you get into trouble?” asked Ben.
“Nah. They never tell” replied Paul.
“Why not?” asked Be-you shouldn't have done that-n.
Raxis: Neil won't let it happen.
ZeldaQueen: Because then the underage sex will stop, and Neil won't have anything to wank to
“Most of them are too embarrassed. Would you -you shouldn't have done that- want to run to your mummy and say a gang of kids stripped you and stuff?
ZeldaQueen: OUR HEROES, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! PEOPLE WHO PSYCHOLOGICALLY TORMENT CHILDREN!
Raxis: Will the villains show up soon so I can start rooting for them?
ZeldaQueen: There really aren't any
Raxis: Ah, so plotless sex. Lovely.
ZeldaQueen: Pretty much. The last three or four chapters are devoted to an initiation ceremony that makes college hazing look pleasant
Anyway, we take precauti-you shouldn't have done that-ons, we have our insurance.” said Paul.
Raxis: There's a little-known dark side to Geiko.
ZeldaQueen: Nah, I'm thinking it's ties to the mafia
“Insurance? Like what?” asked Ben.
“Look all this will be revealed, but I’m not telling you all our secrets now.
ZeldaQueen: Probably because Neil hasn't thought of them
If you join you’ll find out, if not, then you won’t.” said Paul turning away from Ben again and slowly making his way back up the
ZeldaQueen: Oregon -
trail.
Raxis: FORD IT! MAYBE THE WAGON WILL TIP OVER!
“Are you coming?”
Raxis: He'll get around to it.
ZeldQueen: No, I think he already has. Multiple times
asked Paul as he headed-you shouldn't have done that- off, and then after a pause “Or do you always stand like that?”
ZeldaQueen: I think Neil can hear us D:
The joke was lost on Ben. After a moment’s frozen pause, Ben dashed to catch up.
“You said initiation, what sort of initi-you shouldn't have done that-ation?” asked Ben.
“You’ll have to wait and see. That’s another gang secret” said Paul.
“But what if I don’t like it? What if…?” began Ben.
Raxis: You're usually not meant to really like hazing rituals...
ZeldaQ-you shouldn't have done that-ueen: Apparently Benedict is too stupid to realize that this bastards aren't going to really give him a choice
“You mean what if you’re a cissy
ZeldaQueen: Either this is another bizarre Britishism, or Neil can't spell worth shit
Raxis: No, it's an Americanism. It's a classic young boy insult.
ZeldaQueen: Yeah, I know that. But isn't it usually spelled "sissy", as in short for "sister"?
Raxis: Oh right. I didn't know about the shortened bit though.
and a cry baby?” asked Paul.
ZeldaQueen: Yes, t-you shouldn't have done that-hat's right. Benedict is going to go through a humiliating procedure because of juvenile insults
“No. I mean, I don’t know what it is so how can I agree” asked Ben.
“You have to make a decision. Do you want to join us or not? It’s as simple as that. The initiation won’t-you shouldn't have done that- last long,
ZeldaQueen: You fucking liar
and then it’ll be over
Raxis: I sure hope so.
ZeldaQueen: Trust me, it's only over because Neil hasn't bothered to update
and you’ll be one of us”
ZeldaQueen: We accept him, one of us! Gooble, gooble, gooble, gooble!
said Paul injecting just enough impatience in his voice to put pressure on Ben.
Raxis: And you'll get to get into the lovely life of stripping little girls. Oh joys.
“But… I won’t have to take m-you shouldn't have done that-y clothes of will I? I won’t have to strip or anything?” he asked, finally finding the courage to voice his greatest fear.
ZeldaQueen: *face palm* Lord, this guy is stupid!
Paul stopped again and turned to Ben, levelling as sincere a gaze upon him as possible.
“Look Ben, I thought you were cool. I didn’t think you were a wuss. Just stop acting like a baby.
ZeldaQueen: Dear God, he really DID play the "Don't you want to be one of the cool kids?" card!
Raxis: Nothing cooler than a stripper ><
Every single member of the gang has been initiated in exactly the same way. Everyone, no exceptions.
ZeldaQueen: So you all are morons and sheep, no exceptions
Raxis: So who initiated the founders- actually, I don't want that answered.
ZeldaQueen: What I am morbidly curious about is what gave them the idea for the initiation
And in future,
Raxis: Paul has big plans for this little sex gang. And Paul channels a miniaturized version of John Galt up ahead, so get ready for a speech.
when other people join the gang,-you shouldn't have done that- they’ll be initiated in exactly the same way too.
ZeldaQueen: I'm sure it gives Benedict great peace of mind to know that other kids will be forced through the same humiliations he's got in store for him. And no, Neil, none of this justifies what's going to happen
When we started the gang last year, we made up the initiation,
ZeldaQueen: WHY? How in the WORLD did you think of that disgusting ritual???
Raxis: Because Neil wrote them, Queeny.
and we took it in turns to do it. We wouldn’t make something up that was so horrible, ‘cos then we wouldn’t have wanted to do it ourselves.
Raxis: OH WELL I'M SO GLAD YOU'RE BEING CONSIDERATE!
ZeldaQueen: This means nothing, ladies and gentlemen, except that a disturbingly large group of children share rather extreme kinks and definitions of "not horrible"
And no, you won’t have to strip.
ZeldaQueen: *tiredly* Keep this in mind, folks
Raxis: Lovely.
And I’m not saying any more. You make your mind up now. Join us or don’t, I couldn’t care less.
Raxis: You're putting in an awful lot of effort for somebody that you don't care about whether or not they join.
But if you don’t… well, just -you shouldn't have done that-don’t come anywhere near our den, in fact you’d better stay clear of the forest altogether, because if we catch you… Well you probably know what’ll happen if we catch you.”
ZeldaQueen: Aren't these people great? Nothing like threats to prove that you'd make a good friend!
Raxis: Considering he could, you know, report them.
Paul turned again and headed back up the trail, more quickly this time.
Ben stood immobile again, his mind a whirl. He didn’t know what to think. What was he letting himself in for? He knew what the benefits were going to be, they were going to be great, no, bloody amazing,
ZeldaQueen: NAKED, UNDERAGED GIRLS! WHAT THE FUCK?
Raxis: Yeah, nothing better than underaged girls. Who cares about boobs?
ZeldaQueen: This is Neil's world, remember? Here, underaged girls have boobs like Pamela Anderson
but the cost. What was the cost? Paul had reassured him, he wouldn’t have to strip, the initiation would be easy, they’d all done it. If he believed him.
ZeldaQueen: Why am I supposed to like this fucker, again? He shows no sympathy for others, he only thinks about the benefits for himself, and he is threatened by people and decides to befriend them, instead of TELLING THE POLICE!
Raxis: Yeah, Neil's doing a horrible job of allowing us to empathize with this little shit.
He chewed his lower lip, adrenalin pumping round his young adolescent body. All the pieces of the jigsaw flew around in his mind, until eventually, they all settled in place.
ZeldaQueen: A place called "idiot"
A calmness descended on Ben. He believed Paul. He believed everything he had said. He believed him for the same reason most people believed things: because he so desperately wanted to.
Raxis: Desperate for naked underaged girls. Don't forget that part.
ZeldaQueen: To quote the song Uninstall, now my heart is empty and numb, save for an unrelenting impulse to destroy all things that I can see
“Hold up!” shouted Ben, racing after Paul, “Okay, I’ll join.”
“Well that’s not entirely up to you.” said Paul.
“What do you mean?” asked Ben.
“It’s up to the gang. We’ll decide if you can join. We don’t let just anyone in.” said Paul.
Raxis: They have to have the required levels of fucked up.
“I thought you said…” said Ben.
“I asked if you wanted to join, I didn’t say you’d be allowed automatically. We’ll have to vote on it.” said Paul.
ZeldaQueen: Get used to this, people. Remember how Neil would used twisted logic to justify how the Sues in Hogwarts Exposed weren't sexually assaulting people and whatnot? These twatwaffles are going to continuously break the spirit of their promises and justify it by claiming they're adhering to the letter, and ignore the distress it causes others
Raxis: It's like a Jedi Truth, only fucked up.
“Who’s in the gang, how many are there?” asked Ben.
“You’ll have to wait and see.” said Paul.
ZeldaQueen: Seeing as this is Neil's world, an unusual number of people. Apparently sex-obsessed creepers all gather in one community here
“But what if they’re not there, how can they vote if they’re not there?” asked Ben nervously.
ZeldaQueen: They don't vote? Hello? How's that your problem?
Raxis: They probably share telepathy.
“Do you always ask this many questions?” countered Paul.
< “um,="" no,="" just…”="" said="" ben.=""
ZeldaQueen: Okay, I will admit that I have no clue where that came from. I thought it was an error from when I copied this chapter earlier, but when I double-checked Neil's Yahoo group, there just wasn't a line at all. Paul went from asking Benedict about asking so many questions to talking about how he's nervous. Fail!
Raxis: Err yeah, what the hell is that? @.@
“You’re nervous. Okay. We don’t need the whole gang to be present, but we do have to be quorate.” said Paul.
Raxis: That sounds vaguely middle eastern.
ZeldaQueen: It actually is a term, I believe. No idea why a teenager would bother using it, unless he were trying to emulate Calvin and Hobbes
Raxis: Maybe they came from Eragon.
“Korat,
ZeldaQueen: Whut?
what’s that?-you shouldn't have done that-” asked Ben.
“There you go again.
ZeldaQueen: Apparently Paul is being played by Ronald Regan
Raxis: Or HK-50.
It means that at least two thirds of the gang must be present for us to vote on anything.” said Paul.
Raxis: So why not just say two thirds? Using the big fancy third for no reason just makes you look stupid.
“So it means two thirds?” asked Ben sceptically.
“No, it means whatever number you decide. Any group, even the government, if they’re going to vote on stuff, have to decide what the minimum number of people should be before the vote can be taken. That number’s called a quorum.
ZeldaQueen: So nice of Neil to take time out of the underage sex to explain this to us
Raxis: It's all so necessary.
For a vote to take place the meeting must be quorate, meaning that at least that many people must be present, otherwise the vote can’t take place. We decided on two thirds, that’s all.”
“Why do you have to have a korat?” asked Ben.
ZeldaQueen: Dear God you're dumb! WHY DO YOU THINK?
Raxis: Because, reasons.
ZeldaQueen: Of course! -_-
“Otherwise it’d be stupid. I mean… I could go to the den on my own, propose a vote that makes me in charge of the gang, then vote on it. If I was on my own I’d vote for me and win.
Raxis: Nah, ya think? That's why we have this tricky Democracy thingy.
ZeldaQueen: As if a group of kids would actually follow that. When I got together with a group of kids once, we tried to create our own economy using Monopoly money to buy food from the snack table of the party our parents were holding. Within minutes, we were beating each other up to steal each other's money, or else ignoring the system and just eating the food
That wouldn’t be fair on the others would it?
ZeldaQueen: Oh what the fuck do you know about fair, you little shitstain? I'd hardly call it fair to abduct an unsuspecting kid and strip her and derive amusement from her suffering!
So you have to have a rule about how many people you need.” said Paul.
“How many might be there now then? Will there be enough? How will they know there’s going to be a vote?” asked Ben.
Raxis: What's with all this waffling? Can't they just have Paul decide to bring it up at the next sexing meeting? This is nothing but pointless details.
ZeldaQueen: Neil seems to think that this sort of thing counts as proper storytelling, like how Meyer thinks that describing Bella heating up lasagna counts as character development
“There’ll be enough” said Paul.
They climbed the ever steepening path through the forest in silence now.
Raxis: Did they talk to each other in silence while they were at it?
Ben’s questions had dried up. He was still nervous, still excited, still afraid, but he had committed himself now, and was trying to be optimistic of the outcome.
Raxis: Yup, thar be GIRLS TO MOLEST, WHAT'S NOT TO BE OPTIMISTIC ABOUT!?
ZeldaQueen: I hate this kid, I truly do
The silence was only interrupted by the chirping of the birds,
ZeldaQueen: And the click of the sniper rifle I was pointing at their heads
and the air was full of the scent of the trees. Suddenly Paul stopped and pointed “Look! A deer.”
Raxis: If only GLaDOS were saying that; she follows that line up with sealing the room you're in and gassing you to death.
By the time Ben had looked over to where Paul had pointed, he saw only a blur, and heard the rustling of a bush.
ZeldaQueen: Sorry, they seem to have stumbled onto a stage for Sonic the Hedgehog
“Did you get deer in the Forest of Dean?” asked Paul.
“Yeh, loads of them” said Ben “and sheep. Loads of sheep.”
Raxis: This is utterly pointless.
ZeldaQueen: I dunno, if this thing had continued, I have the nasty feeling that Neil would have introduced a sheep fetish...
After a few more yards Ben suddenly stopped in his tracks. “How did you know I came from the Forest of Dean?” he asked.
Raxis: The implications being Paul is spying on him?
ZeldaQueen: I guess? Because that's not creepy at all!
“Shhh!” said Paul “We’re nearly there.”
Raxis: Wait, what? That's it? It's over now? :D Yaaaaay!
ZeldaQueen: Not quite. We still have a few more chapters to go
Raxis: I know, I just meant this chapter was over. And what an ending. It's right up there with Legolas by Laura.
ZeldaQueen: Yeah, bland and abrupt. Ah well, time to rest up before our next sporking and - hey, hang on a minute. I think a statue of Link just materialized behind me. How od -
Raxis: I just noticed that too- *lifts into the air and simultaneously catches fire and gets electrocuted* Ouchies D:
ZeldaQueen (?): 'Till next time, folks! And remember, always eat your wheaties and you shouldn't have done that
Raxis: *dazed* what the pretty lady said!
Onward to: Chapter 3 - Second Thoughts
Back to: Chapter 1 - Benedict Davidson
Return to: Table of Contents