In Which I Contemplate The Nature of My Existence
So, weekend. Went home to my family -- my mom leaves for Colombia on...thursday morning. I wont be home to see her, so this was it. My mom is very much likeable, even if she is sumb like rocks. So I am going to miss her. Especially since my dad is always mad at her, and that makes me look that much better >.> I suppose thats how I operate. I see what pisses people (or me) off, and then I dont do that >.< Or at least, I try not to. Unless its somethign I feel is intrinsic to my being. And, there really arent many things like that, so i like to think I'm pretty flexible ^^ But yeah, spent saturday playing KH2. zommgg~~ I got way further than I was. Mwehehe. Of course, I also spent half the time like, on the verge of tears o_O Um, I guess I havent cried enough recently? I didnt cry much in the last years of high school, probably because I had other more pressing issues than my unstable emotions. Besides, I spent 7th and 8th grade crying perpetually, so I figured that filled my high school quota of sobbage? Grr. We shall see.
Oh and I decided Mickey Mouse owns. I knew this before, but now I have reasons *why*. Because, Mickey is the quintessential good anglosaxon king. I spent a semester learning about what makes a good king (AngloSax Lit <3's their kings), and Mickey *is* a perfect king. He is kind, he loves his subjects, he's benevolent, he's straightforward and moral. What's more, he fits earlier AngloSax kings, because he fights. I mean, lots of characters, lots of heroes especially, have these qualities...but for some reason I noticed them more with Mickey because he is an actual King. And I really get the sense that he cares for his kingdom, and does it out of love for his subjects, not to chase glory, liek so many other heroes -.- Soo....yarr. I <3 Mickey. Because someone who loves their subjects and kingdom that much is the hotness. Probably why I also liked Mufasa so much xD Though, I dont remember how good of a king Hamlet's father was, but oh well xD Better than Claudius, whaaat.
Gave my dad his father's day presents. Rewatched some Lewis Black routines. "Christmas is awesome...Hanukah SUCKS". AHahah~ his "The End" routine was my favorite. He's one of those people that improve with age ^^; Spent a few hours talking to my mom. My neighborhood is so scary T_T My brother's best friend is a fucking psycho. My mom saw him slowly crush a bird that was dying on the ground with his foot T_T this kid is like..7 or 8. Thats old enough to know that inflicting pain is bad T_T And my neighbor found a poatato in her exhaust pipe. And my other neighbor had her tires slashed >.> We think its this guy, because hes reallyl scary, and both of those happened when they parked in his spot
Sunday -- more KH2, eating dinner etc. The ride home. Whoa boy. yay 3 hours of therapy for my dad. He was talking about the rage that has ruled his life. My father has animal rage. He has a very short fuse and is completely irrational when angry. Of course, it is this rage which carried him through college and law school while working and taking care of my mother and I. I dont really have rage. I have reason, I suppose. Like my uncle. Because my dad didnt raise me ^^;; His ideal of what he *should* be (...my uncle >.>) raised me. hence why i see my brother as so radically different. My father is different. Gah.
Also got a little angry because he was fawning all over his secretary, because she's exactly like his first wife, only Guyanese. So I was jealous, because, as we've seen, I am uber possessive of my father. I suppose its because i feel Ive worked so hard to make him love and put up with so much shit from him, that no one else can have him -.- That was one of the major reasosn I didnt want a sibling. In any case, she's not as smart as me, but Im continually seeing how little that means to anyone outside of academia. Which is why I wont leave -.-
And she's *prettier* than me >.< And she likes working for my dad. I dont like being his subordinate. Not at the office, fucker. My father and I talk about the Oedipal need for boys to topple their fathers, how they must seize power. And while I'm a girl, I dont *really* feel a need to topple my father. I'd rather not topple anyone, to be honest. But, professionally, *no*. I wont topple you, but I wont FAWN over you either -.- I mean, I have no problem with fawning over people, but not when its required. -.- Of course, I'm mean, its not fair either, because i know it hurts my father that i *wont* work for him. And that upsets him too in a "WHY DONT YOU LOVE ME?" way, which, is something everyone in my family flips out. Because we need validation from others xD Like heroine, what.
Well, looking at this is terms of reverse oedipal skills in terms of daughters. The Secretary is like his surrogate daughter, and is like his first wife. I am his actual daughter, and I'm like his mother. Okay, this makes sense. My dad was very much "WHY DONT YOU LOVE ME?" at my gramma, and told me, that when he was 56 he finally realized that my gramma didnt love him ^^v And gave up the struggle. Which..well, I mean, my gramma didnt want kids and thought my grandpa was useless and hated his offspring and worked two jobs whiel i dont think my gradpa had one >.> So i can understand why, but it's sad. I wonder if this early denial of motherly love and his feelings of inadequacy toward females is what makes him fail with teh womenz. Well, he doesnt, because he was a player, but im talking about substantial relationships. With real woman who arent my mother. Hmm. Maybe this is why I aggravate his insecurities. Because Im not only more successful than him at an early age, but he's also given me the identity of my grandmother, partially. Hmm. He's always endlessly irritated by the fact I love her so much. Probably because she doesnt love him. Which, she does, i suppose, but in that fucked up eastern european way. And well, he's got the same platonic thing going with his secretary that he had with his first wife.,..who was also a version of ym grandmother. (of course, this is infinitely funny, because my mom is actusally my grandpa IN DISGUISE XD). Hmm, I dunno, but either way, I better *WIN*. GRR.
EDIT: HAPPY GRADUATION~~~ ~tackleglomps seniors~
Oh and I decided Mickey Mouse owns. I knew this before, but now I have reasons *why*. Because, Mickey is the quintessential good anglosaxon king. I spent a semester learning about what makes a good king (AngloSax Lit <3's their kings), and Mickey *is* a perfect king. He is kind, he loves his subjects, he's benevolent, he's straightforward and moral. What's more, he fits earlier AngloSax kings, because he fights. I mean, lots of characters, lots of heroes especially, have these qualities...but for some reason I noticed them more with Mickey because he is an actual King. And I really get the sense that he cares for his kingdom, and does it out of love for his subjects, not to chase glory, liek so many other heroes -.- Soo....yarr. I <3 Mickey. Because someone who loves their subjects and kingdom that much is the hotness. Probably why I also liked Mufasa so much xD Though, I dont remember how good of a king Hamlet's father was, but oh well xD Better than Claudius, whaaat.
Gave my dad his father's day presents. Rewatched some Lewis Black routines. "Christmas is awesome...Hanukah SUCKS". AHahah~ his "The End" routine was my favorite. He's one of those people that improve with age ^^; Spent a few hours talking to my mom. My neighborhood is so scary T_T My brother's best friend is a fucking psycho. My mom saw him slowly crush a bird that was dying on the ground with his foot T_T this kid is like..7 or 8. Thats old enough to know that inflicting pain is bad T_T And my neighbor found a poatato in her exhaust pipe. And my other neighbor had her tires slashed >.> We think its this guy, because hes reallyl scary, and both of those happened when they parked in his spot
Sunday -- more KH2, eating dinner etc. The ride home. Whoa boy. yay 3 hours of therapy for my dad. He was talking about the rage that has ruled his life. My father has animal rage. He has a very short fuse and is completely irrational when angry. Of course, it is this rage which carried him through college and law school while working and taking care of my mother and I. I dont really have rage. I have reason, I suppose. Like my uncle. Because my dad didnt raise me ^^;; His ideal of what he *should* be (...my uncle >.>) raised me. hence why i see my brother as so radically different. My father is different. Gah.
Also got a little angry because he was fawning all over his secretary, because she's exactly like his first wife, only Guyanese. So I was jealous, because, as we've seen, I am uber possessive of my father. I suppose its because i feel Ive worked so hard to make him love and put up with so much shit from him, that no one else can have him -.- That was one of the major reasosn I didnt want a sibling. In any case, she's not as smart as me, but Im continually seeing how little that means to anyone outside of academia. Which is why I wont leave -.-
And she's *prettier* than me >.< And she likes working for my dad. I dont like being his subordinate. Not at the office, fucker. My father and I talk about the Oedipal need for boys to topple their fathers, how they must seize power. And while I'm a girl, I dont *really* feel a need to topple my father. I'd rather not topple anyone, to be honest. But, professionally, *no*. I wont topple you, but I wont FAWN over you either -.- I mean, I have no problem with fawning over people, but not when its required. -.- Of course, I'm mean, its not fair either, because i know it hurts my father that i *wont* work for him. And that upsets him too in a "WHY DONT YOU LOVE ME?" way, which, is something everyone in my family flips out. Because we need validation from others xD Like heroine, what.
Well, looking at this is terms of reverse oedipal skills in terms of daughters. The Secretary is like his surrogate daughter, and is like his first wife. I am his actual daughter, and I'm like his mother. Okay, this makes sense. My dad was very much "WHY DONT YOU LOVE ME?" at my gramma, and told me, that when he was 56 he finally realized that my gramma didnt love him ^^v And gave up the struggle. Which..well, I mean, my gramma didnt want kids and thought my grandpa was useless and hated his offspring and worked two jobs whiel i dont think my gradpa had one >.> So i can understand why, but it's sad. I wonder if this early denial of motherly love and his feelings of inadequacy toward females is what makes him fail with teh womenz. Well, he doesnt, because he was a player, but im talking about substantial relationships. With real woman who arent my mother. Hmm. Maybe this is why I aggravate his insecurities. Because Im not only more successful than him at an early age, but he's also given me the identity of my grandmother, partially. Hmm. He's always endlessly irritated by the fact I love her so much. Probably because she doesnt love him. Which, she does, i suppose, but in that fucked up eastern european way. And well, he's got the same platonic thing going with his secretary that he had with his first wife.,..who was also a version of ym grandmother. (of course, this is infinitely funny, because my mom is actusally my grandpa IN DISGUISE XD). Hmm, I dunno, but either way, I better *WIN*. GRR.
EDIT: HAPPY GRADUATION~~~ ~tackleglomps seniors~