I Hate Me Remix
So I haven't real;ly felt like blogging the last couple of dayss. I've been busy doing coool things but still thinkiingn irritatingly patheitc thoughts which scare our good Polish friend. And I'm al; *NYAAR*. Yes. but more on that later. So Friday I saw Pirates of Penzance. Which was very cool ^_^ ..BUT CLAUDINE WASN'T THERE >.< Me and Sam were left vulnerable to the mansluttish ways of Zach with no Windy to protect us! ~shikushiku~ It was cool though. Ha! I totally didin't go after him >.< I *win*. So we hung out at Barnes and Nobles most of the afternoon, which was fun, because of being smart, which I don't do usually. It was like.. "yay MENSA and lateral thinking puzzles XD" I felt like I was ten agin XD And I decided that I love Eliza because she is *me* when I was younger only with 2 times the sadism and lackign a Jew Fro(TM). She made me a bracelet out of a fork! ~squeal~......wow I'm such a pathetic sad little girl-.- EEGh. I hate how I get so happy over such trivialities. Yes...Zach was rather PMS-y for a lot of the night >.>...what a *surprise* >.< And then when we got to the theater we met up with Helen ^_^ wai!. I think I some how offended her because I freaked out later when she wanted to change seats >.> 2 thoughts on that: Yay! val grew a sense of right and wrong. ~patpat~ and claudien said we had no morals! pwaa~; 2: OMG >.< I've turned inot such a *pansy*. I used to *shoplift* and run around be rebellious and now I won't even change seats in a theater >.<;; But yeah, then she was over it and there was soem hanging out after the show ^_^ bwhheeee~ Yeah, the show itslef was cool, but this performance of it was a little garbled. ~shrug~ 'Twas good. and amusing..oh! there was one number where they pulled out sparkely hats for *no* reasona ndit was soo amusing ^_^ oh! and thge Pirate King was teh HAWT >.< The *hair*..and the snazzzy outfit! ~droool~ And the fatc that I could hear what he was saying ! so yeah, good times all about ^_^ Lately I've been in teh midst of another .< And a picture called "Sakura I" which is sam and claudien as subaru and seishiro under sakura. IUt's called I, because I'm doing two more in the same settign. One of joe and Helen, and one of me...and tree-san >.< Thewse are supposed to be peopel's brithday gifts ...which is pretty good for me, because they're like on ly a month late ^_^ ehjehehe >.> I'm workign on the helenjoe one now...it's deciding to be a difficult little bugger >.< *aagh* Oh, and After I finish this set, I'm going to finish my rl camp doujin..wow..that *really* got put on hold. And then the random gumi christmas set. Yeah..that'kll keep me busy for a while. Fu~ Oh,a eeverythign's up on my deviant art account: http://zeitgeisha.devinatart.com And then yesterday, I spent time with my good Polish friend. we basically just hung out at my dorm (because that's free ^_^). He brought me polsiuh foodstuffs ^_^ and Ibeat him with AMV's ^_^ OMG...can you believe he used to watch Gundam Wing? And he actaully *saw* the yaoi* >.< Polish saw the yaoi >.< It boggles the mind! So I feed him music and pics from the hall's recent hijinks. And then we played chess for several hours in which I won the last two games for a very specific set of reasons: I was more awake than Fodor. Fodor was trying to help me oout since I have no stategery past the middle of the game >.< Yes..maybe one day I'll be good at chess >.< Sooo pathetic me am. So yeah, and noww I'm back to hating myself. Which really sucks. I actually feel kind of uncomfortable postign this on lj without having first have hashed this out in my diary, but as of yet, I have not started a new diary, even though my blank book is staring at me quite forlorn and empty. So, Oh well, relaize that this is kind of thought processy..so if it sounds mean..well too bad >.< I think mean. in any case, I hate myself for going after Zach >.< Yes, we all saw this coming, even me, but oh well. But why do I go after him. Because I'm desperate. Why am I desperate? Because I want to catch a male. But why? See, now here's where I start sucking. I don't really do this for whatever wonderful experience said male could be. I don't expect a wonderful experience. I just don't. I'm primarily doing it because its expected. And I live in the box. And I want to stay in the box (after all, I just wallpapered it! ^_^). To stay in the box, I have to fulfil all that's expected of me by the staus quo, and by the status quo, I don' mean *the* status quo, i mena whatever status quo I feel like being a part of, whatever is expected of a person of a single type of identity, for example, the status quo of a teenage girl thing. in any case, yeah. I mean, I'm not saying this is anything new, lots of people seek out members of the opposite sex seek out partners for that reason. ~shrug~ But still.
My problem lies in that I was expecting to have a somewhat "normal"-ish relationship with the opposite sex...and it's not happeneing. I like starting things early. And getting experience. I don't like being at a disadvantage. Which is why I'm in a rush..sort of. Because I don't want to be at a disadvantage in relationships, which goes back to my inherent fear of ending up doormat-ed and used like my mother >.< But yeah, i assume that eventually I'm going to have to interact with the opposite sex. So then I thought, why don't we pretend that we're just never goign to get a man and be independent. We won't be desperate, at least. And then we thought "yeah that works".
But herein lies the problem. On the spectrum of people, I'd say I'm about in the middle (well, not really, but visualizign me in the middle is easier and makes more of a point), between being completely anticsocial and being supeerduper in the group of people livign in the world. And I've been watchign my actions. And i've definaitely tried to move closer and closer to the world of the livign breathign interactign things. But the world of men...not having one would be a move in the opposite direction - to anti-social. because, rright now, the majority of my friends are paired...the vast majority. You know how married people usually only hang out with other married people, and then the single people tend to stay more together. Or they'll have that one crazy single friend that shows up for comic relief and lacks any importance at all? yeah, thats going to be me before long -.- in any case, the reson I'm so keen on a man is because everyone else is doing it.
So, back to the whole pretending I'm not going to get a guy ever so I should just stop thinking about it. I'm very very good at lying to myself and rationalizing myseklf into thinking the way that would be what I want. So, on this train of thought, I began the slow rationalization process that would get me where I wanted to be. But when you isolate yourself from one thing, you isolate yourself from more. So then my brain took a wrong turn on the interstate and I ended up beign all "friends, why do you need those?" which happens quite a lot. So then I slipped back into "artist" mode which is basically "Ah, I was meant to represent life, to capture the essences and place them on paper and memory! Livign is not for me~angstymcangst~" The problem wihtn that is you have to live to represent, but my brain claims I've lived enough.
That was another really irritating thing...my brain was all "die bitch die" and then it was like, "no, you have to do some sort of ultimate masterpiece first" So then my brain was all "prepare to die and get busy thinking about the epic graphic novel depicting your epic emotional struggle with mediocrity and isolation" so I was all.."yeah, I shouldn't be spending so much time with *people*" adn thats when Val-chan kicked in and was all "nyooo~ >.<" so my brain is just arguing with itself and the only thing they can all agree on is that I suck. If this doesn't stop soon I'm going to go martial on my head and issue gag orders on the lot of them until I can restructure my mind.
Yeah. I'm just feeliign superfluous, which as I stated in my last actual post, is pretty much entirely my fault. I don't know, I just expect to lose at life. I can't see myself winnign at life. Like how I can't see myself winning at chess. I don't know where to go after the first few moves. I lack the moral righteousness and strong beliefs that carry other people and give their life purpose >.< I think thats why i usually associate wiht the villians of stories and anime...because i know I'm goign to lose too, because I lack the fortitude of people believing in ideals. Hn. I wonder if this why religion was created >.< omg I can *feel* the religions of the world sending out their missionaries to my door, so they can fix me and get me to believe in *their* higher power (btw, I *do* believe in God). Maybe thats why I kind of cling to judaism >.> Because they're required to try to dissuade you from converting. aagh. But for the most part I live for people. Which would be good if I could fixate on one person..wait no it wouldn't (~couchevancough~)..lets rephrase; fixate on one person who didn't completely loathe my existence >.> But yeah, as I have spread out, i can't do much in a lot of directions. ~sigh~ I like to draw, and I like to watch other people being happy, the problem is, I don't want them to see me watching them be happy. omg I'm such a voyeur >.< I mean, thats why people-watching held so much appeal. but aagh. Real people get weirded out when you draw fanart of them, usually, and there's a really thin line that can't be crossed of "your place" for the people that don't. It's like I want to crawl into a hole and re-analyze this stretch of life I've been livign and do somethign with it; use these ideas I have in a sentence. I'm just going to keep drawing and hating myself. And i'm *not* goign to crawl into a hole and disappear and die. At least not til next semester, when I can ignore all my problems wiht work! Hooyah! ^__^ So yay for not solving anyhtign ^_^
~sigh~ when I get all sucky like this, it makes me unable to use my whitman quoting skillz >.<
Darkness is my spiral mind
My problem lies in that I was expecting to have a somewhat "normal"-ish relationship with the opposite sex...and it's not happeneing. I like starting things early. And getting experience. I don't like being at a disadvantage. Which is why I'm in a rush..sort of. Because I don't want to be at a disadvantage in relationships, which goes back to my inherent fear of ending up doormat-ed and used like my mother >.< But yeah, i assume that eventually I'm going to have to interact with the opposite sex. So then I thought, why don't we pretend that we're just never goign to get a man and be independent. We won't be desperate, at least. And then we thought "yeah that works".
But herein lies the problem. On the spectrum of people, I'd say I'm about in the middle (well, not really, but visualizign me in the middle is easier and makes more of a point), between being completely anticsocial and being supeerduper in the group of people livign in the world. And I've been watchign my actions. And i've definaitely tried to move closer and closer to the world of the livign breathign interactign things. But the world of men...not having one would be a move in the opposite direction - to anti-social. because, rright now, the majority of my friends are paired...the vast majority. You know how married people usually only hang out with other married people, and then the single people tend to stay more together. Or they'll have that one crazy single friend that shows up for comic relief and lacks any importance at all? yeah, thats going to be me before long -.- in any case, the reson I'm so keen on a man is because everyone else is doing it.
So, back to the whole pretending I'm not going to get a guy ever so I should just stop thinking about it. I'm very very good at lying to myself and rationalizing myseklf into thinking the way that would be what I want. So, on this train of thought, I began the slow rationalization process that would get me where I wanted to be. But when you isolate yourself from one thing, you isolate yourself from more. So then my brain took a wrong turn on the interstate and I ended up beign all "friends, why do you need those?" which happens quite a lot. So then I slipped back into "artist" mode which is basically "Ah, I was meant to represent life, to capture the essences and place them on paper and memory! Livign is not for me~angstymcangst~" The problem wihtn that is you have to live to represent, but my brain claims I've lived enough.
That was another really irritating thing...my brain was all "die bitch die" and then it was like, "no, you have to do some sort of ultimate masterpiece first" So then my brain was all "prepare to die and get busy thinking about the epic graphic novel depicting your epic emotional struggle with mediocrity and isolation" so I was all.."yeah, I shouldn't be spending so much time with *people*" adn thats when Val-chan kicked in and was all "nyooo~ >.<" so my brain is just arguing with itself and the only thing they can all agree on is that I suck. If this doesn't stop soon I'm going to go martial on my head and issue gag orders on the lot of them until I can restructure my mind.
Yeah. I'm just feeliign superfluous, which as I stated in my last actual post, is pretty much entirely my fault. I don't know, I just expect to lose at life. I can't see myself winnign at life. Like how I can't see myself winning at chess. I don't know where to go after the first few moves. I lack the moral righteousness and strong beliefs that carry other people and give their life purpose >.< I think thats why i usually associate wiht the villians of stories and anime...because i know I'm goign to lose too, because I lack the fortitude of people believing in ideals. Hn. I wonder if this why religion was created >.< omg I can *feel* the religions of the world sending out their missionaries to my door, so they can fix me and get me to believe in *their* higher power (btw, I *do* believe in God). Maybe thats why I kind of cling to judaism >.> Because they're required to try to dissuade you from converting. aagh. But for the most part I live for people. Which would be good if I could fixate on one person..wait no it wouldn't (~couchevancough~)..lets rephrase; fixate on one person who didn't completely loathe my existence >.> But yeah, as I have spread out, i can't do much in a lot of directions. ~sigh~ I like to draw, and I like to watch other people being happy, the problem is, I don't want them to see me watching them be happy. omg I'm such a voyeur >.< I mean, thats why people-watching held so much appeal. but aagh. Real people get weirded out when you draw fanart of them, usually, and there's a really thin line that can't be crossed of "your place" for the people that don't. It's like I want to crawl into a hole and re-analyze this stretch of life I've been livign and do somethign with it; use these ideas I have in a sentence. I'm just going to keep drawing and hating myself. And i'm *not* goign to crawl into a hole and disappear and die. At least not til next semester, when I can ignore all my problems wiht work! Hooyah! ^__^ So yay for not solving anyhtign ^_^
~sigh~ when I get all sucky like this, it makes me unable to use my whitman quoting skillz >.<
Darkness is my spiral mind