Vampires Don't Sparkle - Part 2
Picking her way through the wreckage of bodies she accidentally kicked something across the room. As it rolled it made a clear pathway through the blood and she watched as the blood slowly crept back together behind it. It came to rest against a table leg where she picked it up. It was a bulb of garlic. She broke off a glove and put it in her mouth
( Read more... )
Some simple grammar mistakes and other things that caught my eye:
Picking her way through the wreckage of bodies, she accidentally kicked something across the room.
There should be a comma after bodies, and the sentence sounds a little awkward to start off a chapter with. Maybe make it 'While picking her way through the wreckage of bodies'?
She broke off a glove and put it in her mouth, savouring the odd combination of the taste of the garlic and the metallic tang of blood.
I think you meant 'clove' instead of 'glove'. xD In my opinion I think 'the taste of the' is unnecessary in this sentence. It would sound smoother without, and the reader still gets the point that she's describing the taste thanks to the word 'savouring'.
Rummaging through the pockets of what remained of clothing Amber found fourteen more bulbs of garlic, five stakes - one with a severed hand still clinging to it - and two small vials.
The beginning of this sentence sounds awkward too. You could just say something like, 'Rummaging through tattered pockets, Amber...' Or even better, mention/describe something about the dead bodies beforehand, and then change this sentence to something like, 'Rummaging through their tattered pockets, Amber...' If that makes any sense. Also, I added another dash in the appropriate place above.
As she walked, she passed the fireplace and the mirror above it. Suddenly she jumped backwards. She could see her reflection.
That's how I think this sentence should be edited for greater effect, but feel free to do what you like with it. The grammar was off though.
She looked just the same as she always had, with her slightly imperfect nose, green eyes and red hair.
She needed a shower and some clean clothes but more importantly; she needed to hide the bodies.
I think the semicolon is misplaced here. It should just be a comma. But correct me if I'm wrong. xD
Also, the entire fourth paragraph uses a whole lot of 'she's, so maybe you could work on editing that?
Amber took off her blood soaked clothes and stepped into the shower.
You missed one f. xD
Only a day ago what she wore had been important to her, now it seemed so trivial.
Sounds awkward to me. Try moving the 'so' between 'been' and 'important' instead, and adding a 'but' before 'now'. This sentence could be worked on further though.
She’s killed people. She wasn’t proud of it, but it didn’t seem to bother her either. That was what worried her.
Be careful about verb tense. Always decide what tense you're going to be using at the beginning of a story, and keep it consistent or else the writing will end up sounding sloppy and confusing.
She knew she should feel bad but she felt nothing of the sort.
She thought of the people’s families and friends, of all the people they had left behind; yet somehow she felt nothing.
Having managed to shove the ‘parcel’ in the boot of her car she was in the process of locking the boot again when she heard someone speak
“What have you got there?” she turned at the sound of the voice and saw a little boy of about 5 staring at her from the pavement
Missed periods completely on these two sentences.
“I’m just taking some stuff to my friend’s farm,” she said with a smile. He smiled back and scampered off down the road to catch up with his mother.
A friend of hers had left her to look after his farm whilst he was away in Germany, this was where she was going.
This sentence is confusing. Try something more like, 'Her friend Simon had trusted her to look after his farm while he was away in Germany, and this was where she was going.'
Reply
Leave a comment