Comments | zeevee3: Vampires Don't Sparkle

zeevee3

Vampires Don't Sparkle - Part 2

Jul 29, 2012 15:14

Picking her way through the wreckage of bodies she accidentally kicked something across the room. As it rolled it made a clear pathway through the blood and she watched as the blood slowly crept back together behind it. It came to rest against a table leg where she picked it up. It was a bulb of garlic. She broke off a glove and put it in her mouth ( Read more... )

Comments 3

pimprevster July 31 2012, 06:19:53 UTC

WHY THE HELL WON'T IT LET ME COMMENT

pimprevster July 31 2012, 06:21:20 UTC

Oh, possibly because my comment is too long... here, I'll split it up.

Some simple grammar mistakes and other things that caught my eye:

Picking her way through the wreckage of bodies, she accidentally kicked something across the room.
There should be a comma after bodies, and the sentence sounds a little awkward to start off a chapter with. Maybe make it 'While picking her way through the wreckage of bodies'?

She broke off a glove and put it in her mouth, savouring the odd combination of the taste of the garlic and the metallic tang of blood.
I think you meant 'clove' instead of 'glove'. xD In my opinion I think 'the taste of the' is unnecessary in this sentence. It would sound smoother without, and the reader still gets the point that she's describing the taste thanks to the word 'savouring'.

Rummaging through the pockets of what remained of clothing Amber found fourteen more bulbs of garlic, five stakes - one with a severed hand still clinging to it - and two small vials.The beginning of this sentence sounds awkward too. You ( ... )

pimprevster July 31 2012, 06:22:19 UTC

There were a few other places where I felt like a comma was needed, but I won't point out every single one. All I can say is proofread before posting; it will do a lot of good. xD ( ... )