The Real Terrorists
Welcome to an CNN special presentation of President Trump’s surprise address to the nation. And now we go directly to the Oval Office where we have been told that the President is ready to speak.
“My American subjects, I have called on you today because of shocking news that I have just learned from our allies in Australia. Prime Minister Scomo called me today and has stoked my bigly fears about Iranian terrorists and has also validated my decision to take out General Soleimani last week.”
“I learned today that the Iranians, since they are no match for us in military terms, have instead taken the cowards way of using underhanded methods to strike at the wonderful United States mainland. They have enlisted the use of undercover secret agents who have been trained and are now hiding in sleeper cells in almost every city in this country.”
“As we are watching their country very closely, the Iranians have apparently been training their dirty rotten spies in secret in Australia, as Scomo told me. Since the terrorists are apparently gray, like my pals at Mar a Lago, and not brown, like my workers at Mar a Lago, they completely slipped into the country under the noses of our wonderful agents in the Border Patrol. Most of the spies, of course, came here under my predecessor’s wicked administration, but we will fix their mistake.”
“I speak, my Americans, of the very bigly threat of drop bears. These little terrors may look like harmless koalas, but I assure you, they are vicious killers, and they are now in almost every zoo in this country, ready to be sprung into action by their Iranian masters. And when they do, they are merciless, as I am told a Scottish reporter found out this week in her undercover expose of their homes.”
“But I don’t want you to panic. I have directed the FBI and Homeland Security to infiltrate every zoo in the country which is housing koalas and to have them all interned until we determine which ones are harmless and which ones are killer drop bears. Since we are short of space and money because of the construction of the Trump Wall, we will keep the drop bears with the refugees from Central America. I am told the children there would like some furry companions, so this kills two birds with one stoning.”
“Of course, this calls for immediate action on our part against Iran, so I am directing the military to immediately round up all the coyotes in our great cities, except of course of the shitholes of Baltimore and Chicago, and send them off to Iran. American coyotes will kick the ass of any weak foreign animals they encounter over there. If you see armed military troops in your city, don’t worry. They’re just rounding up coyotes.”
“I am also told that there are drop bears featured in the San Francisco Zoo, which is in Speaker Pelosi’s district. Now I am not saying that Nancy is supporting terrorism. I am leaving that to my followers.”
“Prime Minister Scomo even told me that he thinks the Australian fires were set by the Iranians in order to cover their secret training bases amongst drop bear country. That makes much more sense than the stupid climate change theory that the liberals keep bringing up. I mean, what makes more sense, that the climate is warming due to manmade action which is causing wildfires to be more catastrophic, or that Iranian’s set the fires deliberately to cover up their training of drop bears to invade our great country? Think about that, liberals!”
“In conclusion, avoid drop bears and don’t worry about the troops invading your cities. God bless real Americans and God bless our reelection campaign.”