House Season 7
The "House/Cuddy season" is also a great Wilson season. The finale leaves a bad taste and I'd almost recommend skipping it, but overall the House/Cuddy arc and its aftermath are well worth watching, even for House/Wilson fans. Having House be in a serious relationship and then go through a break-up gives Wilson a chance to demonstrate his friendship even more than he had before.
Mostly dialogue from the episodes and a few screencaps, for my future episode-finding reference. Transcript extracts courtesy of clinic_duty.
Now What?
Wilson gets stuck in House's kitchen window while trying to break in to check on him. Cuddy hides in House's closet.
Wilson: You do seem okay. You want me to stick around? I could do my usual thing of pretending I like watching monster truck rallies, if that would make you feel better.
House: No. You go.
Wilson: House... you could have died. You had a patient who did die in your arms. You shouldn't be alone.
Cuddy: I told you I loved you. You didn't tell me you loved me back. You don't think that should give me cause for concern?
House: No, 'cause words don't matter. Actions matter.
House: This isn't gonna work.
Cuddy: That's it? You can't just... say that and shut up.
House: It's just a statement of fact. It's not a debatable proposition.
Cuddy: Right. Because you can see the future.
House: No. But I can see the past. And you're gonna remember all the horrible things I've done, and you're gonna try to convince yourself that I've changed. And I'm gonna start doing those horrible things again, because I haven't changed. Then you'll realize that... I'm an insane choice for someone who has a kid. And from there, it's a short step to the inevitable conclusion that all of this... was a mistake. Tell me any of that isn't true.
Cuddy: I don't want you to change. I know you're screwed up. I know you are always going to be screwed up. But you're the most incredible man I've ever known. You are always going to be... the most incredible man I have ever known.
House [sincerely]: I love you.
Selfish
Wilson stands in the clinic doorway looking at House with a smile:
House: Yeah, I had that same facial expression for the first 48 hours. Had another one too, but only for 15 seconds at a time.
Wilson: I'm happy for you. You're happy for you. This is huge. So who's going to supervise you?
House: Cuddy.
Wilson: Well, I guess maybe that can work.
House: Maybe? Nothing's changed.
Wilson: You showed up for clinic hours. Voluntarily.
House: Fine. A little bit has changed.
Wilson: House, everything's changed. You're sleeping together. You want something from her besides a sign-off on scaring your patient to death.
House: You talked to Taub.
Wilson: He's worried about you.
House: He's a jerk.
Wilson: I'm worried too.
House: Do I need to say it?
Wilson: I want this to work.
House: I'm not doing anything differently. She changed my mind about one diagnostic test. And she was right. Even though it's your emotional default, stop worrying. I can handle it.
House: I can't handle it.
Wilson: What happened?
Unwritten
Long House-Wilson conversation in which House worries about the fact that he and Cuddy have nothing in common.
House: No. I know pain. You think you can handle it, and one day you can't. When that happens, you either find reasons to go on, or you don't.
Patient: I'm... I'm all out of reasons.
House: Now. When you're pain free, you're going to want to live and start writing again.
House enlists Sam's help in reading a novel from typewriter ribbons using the MRI.
House and Cuddy go go-karting with Wilson and Sam. Sam has fun, Cuddy doesn't.
House: Wilson told you.
Cuddy: Yeah.
House: He's such a gossip.
Cuddy: I'm not gonna dump you because we like different food or books or music. On the other hand, I might dump you if you don't talk to me when you have a problem with our relationship.
House: I know you believe that now... But the fact is-
Cuddy: Who cares about common? Common is boring. It's... common! I like being with you. You make me better. Hopefully, I make you better. What we have is... uncommon. And I've never been happier.
Massage Therapy
House takes Wilson motorcycle shopping.
Wilson: Are you sleeping over there yet?
House: Nope. She comes over, we hook up, she leaves.
Wilson: You really like these, or are you just avoiding a touchy conversation?
House: Nah. This one's too metrosexual. This one's too heterosexual.
Wilson: They're identical! Do you even want my input?
House: No.
Wilson: Then why did you invite me?
House: Who'd drive my car home if I buy a bike?
Cuddy: So you really think that I would be okay with you getting a massage from a hooker you used to have sex with?
House: You don't mind the massage part, you mind the sex part, which doesn't exist anymore.
Cuddy: I know a great physical therapist. I will give you her number.
House: Why would I give up one who definitely works for one who might work?
Cuddy: Because I asked you to.
House talks about this to Wilson at Wilson's loft:
Wilson: Ah, yes, the age-old hooker massage conundrum. Cuddy might have mentioned something about it. Let's say you're right. Completely right about everything. Give in anyway. ... Putting up with irrationality is the foundation for every relationship. I agree with Sam when she's calling her father a monster. I agree with her when she's calling him a saint. And in exchange, I get to have sex with her. And I'm sure she has similar tradeoffs with me. Relationships are hard. You have to make sacrifices. So sacrifice being crazy. Go get her a gift and apologize.
Cuddy: I have been completely open with you.
House: You won't let me sleep over. You basically haven't introduced me to your daughter.
Cuddy: But do you want to spend time with her?
House: Honestly… before this, I'd have said no. But… yeah. How are we ever going to be a couple if you keep hiding her from me?
Cuddy: House… I need to protect her. I let you into her life, and you go away…
House: Call it what it is. I'm not the only one who's holding back.
Unplanned Parenthood
House invites Wilson to Cuddy's and then tries to leave Wilson with babysitting Rachel.
Wilson climbs out of Rachel's window to avoid Cuddy, but his car was parked right outside the house and she could hardly have missed it.
We get to see Wilson's bedside manner with children when he does an ultrasound on Rachel.
Office Politics
Cuddy hires Masters, who is only a third-year med student.
House: If lying to a patient saved their life, would you do it?
Masters: No.
House: That's a lie. If your grandma gave you a really crappy tea cozy for Christmas, would you tell her you liked it?
Masters: Yes, but that's different.
House: So, you lie when it doesn't matter but you won't when it does. How'd you get so screwed up?
The only House-Wilson interaction is House asking Wilson about lying to Cuddy to get her to authorise the treatment plan he wants for his patient.
A Pox on Our House
The one with the very moving slave ship beginning (and the very moving ending when the modern-day father dies). One of the more interesting cases they ever had.
Father, just before he is taken away to be thrown overboard: Naola is now your father. [Naola nods.]
Son: Daddy, no! I want to be with you!
Father: He is me.
We see Wilson and Sam with a child chemotherapy patient, and Wilson suggests that Sam might want to get pregnant.
Small Sacrifices
House: Causal determinism. We are hardwired to need answers. The cave man who heard a rustle in the bushes checked out to see what it was lived longer than the guy who assumed it was just a breeze. The problem is, when we don't find a logical answer, we settle for a stupid one. Ritual is what happens when we run out of rational.
House [sitting at Wilson's desk]: Why are you late? Your next dental appointment isn't till January, and you just saw your GP eight days ago. You think stage IV glioblastoma in an eight-year-old could disappear in three weeks?
Wilson: I had a flat tire. Your patient has cancer?
House: Your tires got less than 5,000 miles on them. No, and neither does my patient's daughter.
Wilson: I hit a piece of rebar near a construction site. In three weeks? It's highly unlikely.
House: There's no construction site between here and your home. I agree. I think it was a misdiagnosed cyst.
Wilson: But there is one between here and my dry cleaner. It could be a misdiagnosis, or it could be spontaneous remission. But… why would I lie about this?
House: I don't know yet. But you would have dropped off your tie. It's got a mustard stain.
Wilson: I was buying an engagement ring. I'm going to propose to Sam at the wedding.
House: That is the second stupidest thing I've heard today. And I'm surprised how close you came. You don't need to buy her a new ring. Isn't the first one good for all you can marry?
Wilson: I assume you haven't apologized to Cuddy yet. Your stupidity demands equal time.
House: Nothing to apologize for.
Wilson: Pretend to apologize.
House: You want me to lie?
Wilson: There's a lovely symmetry to it. The lie got you into it. A lie gets you out of it.
Wilson: Sometimes there is no explanation. And I'm just fine with that.
House: Which annoys me to no end.
House: Your woman is fudging the facts. Five of those cases, the stated doses don't explain the radiation damage.
Wilson: Sensitivities vary.
House: Not that much.
Wilson: Yeah. That's what I thought. I asked her point blank about this. She said the dosages were accurate and that she had done nothing wrong.
House: 'Cause morally she didn't. All five patients were terminal. She exceeded the dosing protocols to try to save their life. You would have done the same. She's a sap, and she's perfect for you.
Wilson proposes to Sam at the hospital chairman's wedding, and she later leaves him for not believing that she didn't falsify the files.
Wilson goes to House's place to tell him:
Wilson: Sam left me.
House: What a moron.
Wilson: [sits down on the couch] Too soon. I'm still in love with her.
House: I meant you.
Wilson: Do you have a drink? Or drinks?
House: Cuddy's coming over.
Wilson: Does she know you're here?
House: I apologized to her.
Wilson: Good for you. [heads for the door]
House: Not really. I lied. I just took your advice. Too bad you didn't.
Wilson [sincerely]: Good for you.
Larger Than Life
House lies to both Cuddy and Wilson to get an evening to himself, and they quickly find out.
House: I forgot. You guys talk. Look, no offense to either of you, but [to Cuddy] dinner with your mom? Come on, I-I'd have to act like a decent human being, and you know what a strain that puts on me. And you, [to Wilson] ever since you broke up with Sam, you've done nothing but mope and whine. It's an unbelievable bummer.
Wilson: And just what is so exciting you have to blow off both of us to do it?
House: I just want to sit on my couch in my underwear, drink scotch, and watch The Real Housewives of New Jersey… by myself. I just want one night off. Is that so much to ask?
Cuddy and Wilson: Yes.
Cuddy: You have to choose one of us.
House: I choose Wilson.
Cuddy: Good… because he's coming to my birthday dinner.
Wilson: I do not whine.
Cuddy's mother: So say you two got married, would you convert to Judaism?
Cuddy: We haven't gotten that far, Mom.
Wilson: That's actually a really interesting question.
House: I'm an atheist.
Cuddy's mother: Honey, half the Jews I know are atheists. It's about community.
Cuddy: House isn't that big on community.
Cuddy's mother: And why do you call him "House"? The man's name is Greg. It makes it seem like you're not serious. I'm just trying to help you think about the future. You're - you're a certain age now. The parade of boyfriends can't be as amusing as it was. You need to settle down, like your sister.
Wilson: Settling down isn't all it's cracked up to be. Next week is Sam's birthday. I was gonna take her to the Poconos and-
Cuddy's mother: That's very sad. Perhaps not the best choice of topic for a festive occasion.
House drugs both Cuddy's mother and Wilson, and lets Wilson's head fall onto the table instead of catching it like he did in 6x7 Known Unknowns.
At the end House lies to both Cuddy and Wilson again to get that evening to himself.
Carrot or Stick
House tries to train Cuddy's daughter and Chase tries to find the woman who posted a small-penis picture of him online.
Family Practice
Nice House-Foreman argument about the treatment of Cuddy's mother.
Cuddy's mother tells Cuddy that she likes her other daughter better.
You Must Remember This
House is actually a pretty good friend in this episode, by his standards!
House to Wilson: I need your medical opinion on what bar we're gonna hit for happy hour tonight to kick off the official end to your three-month pity party over Sam.
Wilson says no and doesn't tell House he now has a cat. House searches Wilson's car and "breaks into" Wilson's place (he no longer has a key?).
Wilson: Okay, fine. I got a cat. Release the Kraken.
House: I don't think you appreciate the severity of your situation. You are rapidly approaching an end-stage male spinsterism. That cat, that diabetic cat that you're shooting up with insulin and buying dime bags of catnip for, that means you've given up on ever finding anyone.
Wilson: Don't you think you're completely overreacting?
House: If I'm completely overreacting, why'd you lie to me?
Wilson: Um, because I knew you would completely overreact.
House to Cuddy: After divorce number two, he fell into a committed relationship with a three-legged Siamese. He stopped answering his phone, redecorated his place like Grey Gardens. He wasn't able to come back to humanity until a window was left suspiciously and heroically open. How that cat opened the window, I will never know.
House: Maybe your subconscious is afraid that you're gonna die alone. And it just comes out as gibberish and sneezing. Prove that I'm overreacting. Boys' night out. Good Time Charlie's. They just changed their slogan to, "where the trashiest ladies get trashed."
Wilson: You do see the hypocrisy in all this, don't you? Until recently, your lifestyle of choice was self-exile.
House: But I never had a cat.
House and Wilson go to the bar and House imagines what Wilson is saying to a woman he's trying to pick up:
House: Hi, there. Wilson, James Wilson. I'm a doctor. I'm hoping that's enough to close, because I'm also a social moron. And I have a cat.
House: Do you know if that OR nurse that Wilson liked ever broke up with her boyfriend?
Cuddy: I thought your Wilson fetish was over.
House: I'm putting together a second string in case things don't go well with the well-breasted barista.
Cuddy: You've got to let that guy alone.
House: He's not supposed to be alone.
Cuddy: Is that what this is about? You feel guilty because Wilson's the one that's alone and not you? You still don't think you deserve this.
House: Have you met me?
Cuddy: Your happiness doesn't take his away. It's okay to enjoy it.
House to patient: If it's any solace, everybody dies alone.
House: So… I wanna hear all the dirty, dairy-specific details of your night with java the slut.
Wilson: All right. First of all, all real. Second… a true connoisseur of the dark arts of… I flaked. I walked her to her car and said good night. I will get back into it, I - you just need to give me a little more time.
House: I'll give you ten days.
Wilson: [thinks about it] Fine.
I like to think House is lying awake in bed with Cuddy thinking of Wilson, who's lying awake with his cat.
Two Stories
House talks to a school class and two students who are waiting to see the principal. I like most of these kids - they must be at about the age I start finding children moderately interesting.
Cuddy is angry at House for using her toothbrush and not taking out the garbage.
Cuddy: I want you to care about more than just what you want, what you think. You need me, House. And you may even love me. But you don't care about me. And I deserve someone who does.
House's driver's license shows his birthday as 15 May 1959.
House to the principal: I need her in my life. You know what it's like to actually need someone?
Recession Proof
Wilson: You're really going to the charity gala? ... A hundred says you don't show up.
House: You're giving me an incentive to actually show up? A personal, selfish incentive?
Wilson: I'm just making easy money. 200.
House: How high did Cuddy authorize you to go?
Wilson: She… she didn't… 300. She really wants you there.
House: Why do people believe I'm incapable of doing anything nice?
Wilson: Experience. [House walks away smiling.]
Wilson, stopping by House's office on his way home: You okay?
House: Why wouldn't I be? Solved my case.
Wilson: But your patient died.
House: I didn't say in time. It happens. I can't save everyone.
Wilson: I just came to apologize. You're right. I am turning bitter and cynical inside.
House doesn't show up to the charity event he was supposed to go to with Cuddy. Wilson finds him at a bar and silently takes a seat next to him.
House: All of them are gone, Wilson. They're all dead because I am screwed up.
Wilson: You lost one patient. And it wasn't your fault.
House: What about that mom who gave her baby cancer? If I'd figured that one out quicker, she'd still be a mom, alive.
Wilson: She refused treatment when it was offered. How is that your fault?
House: And there was that guy I spent a day trapped in isolation with. He was five feet away the whole time. Just watched him die like an idiot.
Wilson: Yeah. You've lost patients before, and you'll lose patients again. Why…
House: Exactly! Why? Because love and happiness are… nothing but distractions. The only thing my relationship with Cuddy has done for me is make me a worse doctor.
Wilson: Right. The great Dr. House doesn't deserve to be happy. You know it's not true.
House: My happiness is being paid for by other people's lives. How is she?
Wilson: She's worried. She's upset that you didn't show up tonight.
House: I gotta tell her the truth, Wilson.
Wilson: First… first, you're not driving anywhere. And second, you are definitely not talking to Cuddy like this.
House: Okay. I'm gonna walk.
House: I've made a decision. Being happy and being in love with you… makes me a crappy doctor.
Cuddy: Shut up. You're too drunk to end this relationship.
House: I am drunk. And I'm also right. You have made me a worse doctor. And people are gonna die because of that. And… you… are totally worth it. If I had to choose between saving everyone and loving you and being happy… I choose you. I choose being happy with you. I will always choose you.
Bombshells
There is such a contrast between how House reacts to Cuddy being unwell here and Wilson's cancer in the final S8 arc. I wonder whether House learned from this experience and knew he had to do better when it was Wilson's turn, or whether he would have been there for Wilson in mid-S7 just as he was at the end of S8.
Wilson performs Cuddy's ultrasound after she discovers blood in her urine.
Cuddy has a sitcom-style dream about House and Wilson raising Rachel.
House, entering Wilson's office: What are you doing here?
Wilson: Pie-eating contest.
House: Cuddy's biopsy is in an hour. You should be keeping her company.
Wilson: Okay. You've been worried that your relationship is getting in the way of your diagnoses, you're protecting your patient. Either that or… you're an ass.
House: Three - I hate the smell of death.
Wilson: The chances of Cuddy having renal cell carcinoma-
House: I'm talking about our relationship. She needs support and comfort, both things that I famously suck at. This will inevitably lead to-
Wilson: You know what's good for that? Practice. Doing it - I don't know - once?
House dreams about fighting zombies, in scenes more gory than most episodes of Supernatural. I'm really glad he didn't dream about a zombie Wilson.
Wilson, trying to talk House into supporting Cuddy: House… I'm not going to tell you a third time. Do not screw this up. Because I really don't want to clean up the mess.
Foreman: Have you seen House?
Wilson: No.
Foreman: He left my place last night after you called. No one's seen him today. Any idea where he'd be?
Wilson: No.
Foreman: And you're not… worried about that? He's not good with bad news.
Wilson: Yes. I'm worried. But this isn't about House. It's about Cuddy. She's the one who could be dying, and he's trying to make this about himself. I'm not playing.
Foreman: Okay…
Wilson: She still believes he'll show up. He'll either get over himself and be who she needs him to be or he won't.
Cuddy: You took Vicodin. When you came to my hospital room that night, you were stoned.
House: How did you know?
Cuddy: How did I not know? How did I make myself forget for months that you're an addict? My subconscious was trying to tell me you could never get through this without drugs.
House: It was a one-time thing.
Cuddy: It's not about the pills, House. It's about what they mean.
House: I was scared because I thought my girlfriend might die.
Cuddy: No. You don't take Vicodin because you're scared. You take it so you won't feel pain. Everything you've ever done is to avoid pain - drugs, sarcasm, keeping everybody at arm's length so no one can hurt you.
House: As opposed to everyone else in the world who goes looking for pain like it's buried treasure?
Cuddy: Pain happens when you care. Y-you can't love someone without making yourself open to their problems, their fears. And you're not willing to do that.
House: I ca- I came to be with you.
Cuddy: But you weren't with me, not really.
House: I wanted to be.
Cuddy: That's not enough.
House: I can do better.
Cuddy: I don't think you can. You'll choose yourself over everybody else over and over again, because that's just who you are. I'm sorry.
House: No. No, no, no. Don't. Don't.
Cuddy: I thought I could do this.
House: Don't. Please don't.
Cuddy: Goodbye, House.
Out of the Chute
Wilson does his very best to be a supportive friend in this episode.
House [opening the door of his hotel room]: I'm fine.
Wilson: Okay.
House: I assume Cuddy told you that she dumped me.
Wilson: She did.
House: And that I'm back on Vicodin.
Wilson: She told me you had taken a Vicodin.
House: And then I took a lot more. And so on.
Wilson: But you're fine?
House: Well, I'm not fine as in "fine", but I'm fine as in "you don't have to worry about me."
Wilson: Because you cleared out your bank account, checked into a hotel, and started back on Vicodin?
House: Because I'm going to be fine as in "fine" very soon.
Wilson: Until that happens, are you sure Vicodin is the…
House: My leg hurts.
Wilson: You've been able to handle the pain.
House: It's gotten worse.
Wilson: Not physically worse.
House: Worse is worse. Pain doesn't discriminate. Neither do the pills. The Vicodin and the five-star pampering that I'm gonna get over the next few days should be enough to get me through it.
Wilson: So you don't want to just avoid the issue. You want to avoid avoiding the issue. Sorry.
House: Nothing is either as bad or as good as we think it is at the time. That's why T.O. mocks his opponents immediately after scoring. He doesn't wait till his friend shows up the next day to tell him to deal with it. Two weeks from now, maybe a little more, maybe a little less, my life will be back to its usual level of crappiness. Till then, the only real issue is how much I'm gonna spend on hotel charges.
House, pointing to Wilson: After he and I have sex, I'm gonna slit his throat and then disembowel him in the bathtub.
Hotel employee: Oh, no problem. I'll cancel the morning maid service. Would you like me to have them clean up later when they come to turn down your bed?
On massage tables in the hotel room:
Wilson: Maybe talk to someone?
House: Already scheduled.
Wilson: Really?
House: I'm not an idiot. I know I need help.
Wilson: Okay. That's… great. I meant, like, a counsellor.
House: I know.
Wilson: But you meant a hooker.
House: Yeah. Baby steps.
Wilson [angrily]: You knew he was an addict before you got involved. ... You knew he was an ass… You told him you did not want him to change.
Cuddy: And I was wrong.
Wilson: You don't know that. You thought you were gonna die. Do you really think that was the right time to make this kind of decision?
Cuddy: No. But I've thought about it. A lot. And I haven't changed my mind.
Wilson: He thought you were gonna die. Nobody knows the right way to react in that situation. Just give him another chance. He deserves it.
Cuddy: I know. But this isn't about what he deserves. When things go wrong, I don't want to hope that I'm not alone. I want to know it. With House… every time I needed him to step up… He's just never gonna be that. It's not his fault. It's who he is. I should have known it. This is my fault.
Wilson: Well, he's back on Vicodin. So you might want to… keep an eye on his new patient.
Wilson: You were bored. You must have spent about two days setting up a fake murder, and you were bored.
House: I'm fine.
Wilson: You're not. And I'm worried you might do something even stupider. Why don't you move back in with me? At least until you get back on track.
House: What an ego. You think you're some sort of emotional paragon? You're my rock?
Wilson: I'm trying to be a friend.
House: At least I have the good sense not to marry every woman I fall into bed with. Maybe you should move in with me.
Wilson: Either way. If you prefer…
House: I prefer you to stop talking about this.
Wilson: House, we haven't even started talking about this except to establish the fact that you are fine, which clearly you aren't.
House [loudly]: Leave me alone!
Wilson: No. We are gonna talk about this, and we're gonna deal with this.
House: So I have no choice? Fine. Unless… unless… Yes, I do. I do have legs. [He stands.] I see you didn't factor those into your brilliant plan. [He leaves.]
Wilson, at Cuddy's door: You're gonna have to talk to him eventually. He needs you.
Cuddy: I love him. And I know he loves me. But I just can't…
Wilson: He needs you in his life. Even if you're not sleeping with him, he needs you. [He seems almost overcome with emotion.] Without you…
Cuddy: You can't go backwards. I can't fix his problem. I am his problem.
On House's hotel room balcony:
Wilson: It's understandable.
House: I hate when you do that. You respond to what you think I'm thinking, because you think that I think like you do. It's insulting and annoying.
Wilson: You're scared because nothing excites you. Fun doesn't excite you. Puzzles don't excite you. What's left? And I was saying you're right. You're upset. You're depressed. Everything's gonna taste a little worse right now, but it'll pass. [House's expression says that Wilson got it right.]
House: It's understandable. You're scared because you think I'm falling apart, and you're trying to convince yourself that you're overreacting.
Wilson watches House jump off the balcony into the hotel pool.
Fall From Grace
House and Dominika get married. I'm glad Wilson didn't act as best man. I'm guessing House didn't even ask him.
Dominika: A very soft-looking man. Must be the Wilson.
House: Dominika needs a green card.
Wilson: So you're just doing some random stranger a favor? It's illegal. People go to jail for that… Pay huge fines.
House: Have you seen me practice medicine? You know how much it costs to have a live-in maid, personal assistant, cook, massage therapist, whore? I do. She's willing to work four days a week for free. It's gonna save me about $33,000. All I have to do is say two stupid words… "I do."
Wilson: And if she doesn't see it this way?
House: Iron-clad prenup… We go our separate ways. Your stunned look, I take it, is your way of saying, "Brilliant idea, House."
Cuddy: I know what House is doing. You, on the other hand… why do you care? He isn't hurting anyone.
Wilson: You're the first boss he's ever had who could handle him. Before you, he was either fired or buried under a mountain of malpractice suits. He needs someone to say no. He needs someone he'll listen to, when they say no. If you really care about House, you'll stop feeling sorry for him and get out there and start kicking him where he needs kicking.
Cuddy escapes to House's bedroom during the wedding ceremony and Wilson follows soon afterwards.
Dominika: I know this is not real marriage… but I really like you.
House: I like you too.
[Dominika kisses him.]
House: I can't.
Dominika: Why not?
House: I never sleep with married women. I'm going to bed. You can take the couch.
The Dig
The House & Thirteen road trip episode.
Thirteen: Why are you so determined to bring me to this competition? Why don’t you bring Wilson?
House: Wilson thinks it’s stupid.
Thirteen: He couldn't do it himself. He was… the disease had progressed too far. He was flailing. He didn't have any control over his own body. He pretty much lost control of his mind too, but… every once in a while, he would have a few seconds of lucidity. He turned to me, and he said, "it's time." I hooked up the IV. I used gloves. I knew they'd get me on the drugs, but they couldn't prove who pushed the plunger. I put in the needle, and he just… got quiet. And it was over. And I was alone. And one day, I will be that sick, and there will be no one there when it's time.
Thirteen: I didn't expect compassion from you. I would have taken commiseration. Hell, I would have taken revulsion, any emotional engagement at all. It's no wonder Cuddy broke up with you.
Thirteen: You always get your way, don't you?
House: Not always. Today would have been our one-year anniversary.
House: I'll kill you. When the time comes, if you want me to. I'll do it now if you like. I think I've got a baseball bat in the back.
Last Temptation
Cuddy to Masters: Working with House is great. And it sucks. Often simultaneously. Most people can't work in that environment. Question is… can you?
House and Wilson play a very animal-welfare-unfriendly game with chickens.
Masters decides not to stay on the team.
Changes
House: Miserable stays miserable. Happy doesn't buy lottery tickets in the first place.
House: Why haven't you been yelling at me about the Cuddy twins?
Wilson: Because you're doing the right thing.
House: Are we talking about the same issue? Is there something I don't know about that I'm responding to appropriately?
Wilson: Cuddy wants you in the middle of this. So does Arlene. Because they don't want to face their own problem. Somehow, in your knee-jerk, juvenile way, you tripped and fell into an actual adult response to this.
Wilson: Seriously? That's your rationalization? How about you didn't like that Cuddy tricked you? Even though you wanted the same thing as her. You didn't like that she got the best of you. You've got more anger toward her than you realize.
House: I'm happier without her. I'm not stupidly expecting her to make me happy. I'm happier with my unhappiness.
Wilson: Do you listen to what you're saying? Because I have to.
Wilson: I've been thinking about your irrationality, and I've come up with a rational explanation for it.
House: That's quite a challenge.
Wilson: You don't want to let go of Cuddy, so you're clinging to the negative interaction, because some small part of you thinks the bad stuff beats nothing at all.
House: You're almost making this work. All you got to do now is change reality. Perhaps if I was the one suing me.
Wilson: You didn't start it, but you had the chance to end it, and you didn't. You love her, House, and it's human to hang on, but you're blowing up not just your job but any chance of any kind of relationship with her again.
Cuddy's mother tries to get Cuddy and House back together again.
The Fix
House exercises his leg with a resistance band and injects himself with an experimental drug that's only been tested on rats.
Wilson does a dance in front of House's team after coming in to collect on a bet about a boxing match.
Foreman: Tell him you admit he's right. Let's get him back to work. ...
Wilson: I think this is good for him.
Foreman: Obsessing over a bet is good? And doing his actual job, treating actual patients, that's bad?
Wilson: House only doing what House wants is the only way he can function. Since the breakup, he's been seeking out crazier and crazier things to do because they're crazy. This is - well, it's not crazy.
Foreman: No, just irresponsible and possibly dangerous.
Wilson: By House standards, it's dull. This he's doing just because he's interested. I think House getting back to doing… stupid House stuff for stupid House reasons is the best thing that could happen to him.
Foreman to House: You ignore us all the time. You go on crazy joyrides all the time. But you answer pages, you sleep. I know I'm gonna regret doing this, but I'll ask anyway. Is there anything I can do to help?
Wilson: [through door] Experimental drugs?
House: That's unfair. 'Cause at one point, even Vicodin was an experimental drug. I have to go. ... I'll give you two minutes. But first, I'm gonna tell you that I'm off the drugs and you'll feel silly 'cause you've got nothing to say for two minutes.
Wilson: Hmm. Why are you off them?
House: Because they don't work.
Wilson: Why were you on them?
House: Because they come in banana flavor. You know the answer.
Wilson: You think fixing your leg will fix your life.
House: I think that my life will be somewhat better if part of my life, specifically my leg, is somewhat better.
Wilson: You think all your problems are your leg.
House: And you're here to tell me that no matter how depressed I may be, it's not enough.
Wilson: I think you want everything to be physical, tangible, simple. You want unhappiness to have a cure.
House pays up on his bet with Wilson, but sweeps everything on Wilson's desk onto the floor with his cane and breaks the glass on one of his posters. Wilson takes this rather calmly. Later Wilson gives him the money back after House finally diagnoses the boxer.
Wilson: Well done, House. You might have saved that guy.
House gets himself punched at a bar.
After Hours
House scrubs his bathroom floor and bathtub before performing surgery on himself. I watched the cleaning scene quite a few times and averted my eyes from the surgery. When he can't handle the pain any longer, he calls Wilson (who doesn't wake up), his team, and eventually Cuddy.
Wilson is sitting by his bedside the next morning in the hospital. House knocks Wilson's hands away when Wilson tries to help him get to the bathroom, but is forced to accept Wilson's help when he realises he can't stand unassisted.
Wilson: Listen to me. You can't keep going like this. Something has to change.
House: Can I pee first? [He and Wilson look at each other at close range.] I know.
Moving On
House to Cuddy, about his self-surgery: I was self-destructive. It won't happen again. I'm making changes. I'm gonna stop doing stupid things.
Wilson: You're forging my name on prescriptions again.
House: No. What you just said implies that I stopped at some point.
Wilson: 20 minutes ago, I put a notice out to all local pharmacies to require verbal authorization before filling my prescriptions.
House: You have any idea how much extra work you've just given yourself? You're not gonna last a week.
Wilson: I've been dealing with this for years. But it's over - your liver, your hearing, never mind the fact that each scrip you write is a separate felony. You will serve time, so could I.
House: You've chosen this moment to give me crap about my Vicodin use?
Wilson: [picking up a Vicodin bottle] You filled this three days ago. Now it's almost half gone.
House: So is my leg.
Wilson: It's a month supply. The amount you're taking has nothing to do with physical pain.
House: Okay. So maybe I am trying to numb myself a little, because I'm trying to change, trying to stop being self-destructive.
Wilson: So you can only handle not self-destructing by being self-destructive?
House: What do you want from me?
Wilson: I don't know, House, but I'm worried about you. I don't know how many times I can watch you cut off pieces of yourself. Now it's the ICU. Next time it'll be the morgue. You're miserable. And you're angry. And I want you to actually deal with that and not just try to medicate the issue away.
House: No. You know what I feel right now? I don't feel miserable or angry. I don't feel good or bad. I feel… nothing… which feels great.
Wilson: What are you doing?
House: Moving on. In the direction of my house, where I got some more pills.
House: I did it to fix my life. No, wait. No, I did it because I'm a deeply unhappy person. No-no, I did it to get sympathy from you. I did it to piss you off. I did it because I'm not over you. Or I was over you, and I was moving on. I did it because I wanted to know what it's like not to be in pain. I did it because I want to feel more pain. Whatever the reason, it was a bad reason and a bad idea. That's all that matters. Good lunch.
Cuddy: House… talk to me!
House: I already did.
Cuddy: No, you just parroted back what Wilson and I've been saying to you the last few days.
House: Get out of my way.
Cuddy: No. Oh, you pulled a stitch. House, please just talk to me. [House pushes her against the wall.]
House: [loudly] You want to know how I feel? [quietly] I feel hurt.
Cuddy: I know. I'm sorry.
House: It's not your fault.
House rails at the artistic patient who decides to go ahead with treatment that might affect her creative abilities.
Wilson goes to House's apartment to check on him, phones him when House doesn't answer the door, and then suggests they go for a drink when House finally lets him in. I think it's more likely that Wilson would have driven them in his car, but they needed House driving his own car for the next scene. Apparently we were meant to think that House didn't intend to cause anyone physical harm, but I'd say he was driving much too fast to be sure there was no one in the room (say, Rachel playing on the floor) when he crashed through the wall, and in any case he broke Wilson's wrist and caused what I'd consider an unforgiveable amount of property damage! This is probably my least favourite episode of the entire series.
Mostly dialogue from the episodes and a few screencaps, for my future episode-finding reference. Transcript extracts courtesy of clinic_duty.
Now What?
Wilson gets stuck in House's kitchen window while trying to break in to check on him. Cuddy hides in House's closet.
Wilson: You do seem okay. You want me to stick around? I could do my usual thing of pretending I like watching monster truck rallies, if that would make you feel better.
House: No. You go.
Wilson: House... you could have died. You had a patient who did die in your arms. You shouldn't be alone.
Cuddy: I told you I loved you. You didn't tell me you loved me back. You don't think that should give me cause for concern?
House: No, 'cause words don't matter. Actions matter.
House: This isn't gonna work.
Cuddy: That's it? You can't just... say that and shut up.
House: It's just a statement of fact. It's not a debatable proposition.
Cuddy: Right. Because you can see the future.
House: No. But I can see the past. And you're gonna remember all the horrible things I've done, and you're gonna try to convince yourself that I've changed. And I'm gonna start doing those horrible things again, because I haven't changed. Then you'll realize that... I'm an insane choice for someone who has a kid. And from there, it's a short step to the inevitable conclusion that all of this... was a mistake. Tell me any of that isn't true.
Cuddy: I don't want you to change. I know you're screwed up. I know you are always going to be screwed up. But you're the most incredible man I've ever known. You are always going to be... the most incredible man I have ever known.
House [sincerely]: I love you.
Selfish
Wilson stands in the clinic doorway looking at House with a smile:
House: Yeah, I had that same facial expression for the first 48 hours. Had another one too, but only for 15 seconds at a time.
Wilson: I'm happy for you. You're happy for you. This is huge. So who's going to supervise you?
House: Cuddy.
Wilson: Well, I guess maybe that can work.
House: Maybe? Nothing's changed.
Wilson: You showed up for clinic hours. Voluntarily.
House: Fine. A little bit has changed.
Wilson: House, everything's changed. You're sleeping together. You want something from her besides a sign-off on scaring your patient to death.
House: You talked to Taub.
Wilson: He's worried about you.
House: He's a jerk.
Wilson: I'm worried too.
House: Do I need to say it?
Wilson: I want this to work.
House: I'm not doing anything differently. She changed my mind about one diagnostic test. And she was right. Even though it's your emotional default, stop worrying. I can handle it.
House: I can't handle it.
Wilson: What happened?
Unwritten
Long House-Wilson conversation in which House worries about the fact that he and Cuddy have nothing in common.
House: No. I know pain. You think you can handle it, and one day you can't. When that happens, you either find reasons to go on, or you don't.
Patient: I'm... I'm all out of reasons.
House: Now. When you're pain free, you're going to want to live and start writing again.
House enlists Sam's help in reading a novel from typewriter ribbons using the MRI.
House and Cuddy go go-karting with Wilson and Sam. Sam has fun, Cuddy doesn't.
House: Wilson told you.
Cuddy: Yeah.
House: He's such a gossip.
Cuddy: I'm not gonna dump you because we like different food or books or music. On the other hand, I might dump you if you don't talk to me when you have a problem with our relationship.
House: I know you believe that now... But the fact is-
Cuddy: Who cares about common? Common is boring. It's... common! I like being with you. You make me better. Hopefully, I make you better. What we have is... uncommon. And I've never been happier.
Massage Therapy
House takes Wilson motorcycle shopping.
Wilson: Are you sleeping over there yet?
House: Nope. She comes over, we hook up, she leaves.
Wilson: You really like these, or are you just avoiding a touchy conversation?
House: Nah. This one's too metrosexual. This one's too heterosexual.
Wilson: They're identical! Do you even want my input?
House: No.
Wilson: Then why did you invite me?
House: Who'd drive my car home if I buy a bike?
Cuddy: So you really think that I would be okay with you getting a massage from a hooker you used to have sex with?
House: You don't mind the massage part, you mind the sex part, which doesn't exist anymore.
Cuddy: I know a great physical therapist. I will give you her number.
House: Why would I give up one who definitely works for one who might work?
Cuddy: Because I asked you to.
House talks about this to Wilson at Wilson's loft:
Wilson: Ah, yes, the age-old hooker massage conundrum. Cuddy might have mentioned something about it. Let's say you're right. Completely right about everything. Give in anyway. ... Putting up with irrationality is the foundation for every relationship. I agree with Sam when she's calling her father a monster. I agree with her when she's calling him a saint. And in exchange, I get to have sex with her. And I'm sure she has similar tradeoffs with me. Relationships are hard. You have to make sacrifices. So sacrifice being crazy. Go get her a gift and apologize.
Cuddy: I have been completely open with you.
House: You won't let me sleep over. You basically haven't introduced me to your daughter.
Cuddy: But do you want to spend time with her?
House: Honestly… before this, I'd have said no. But… yeah. How are we ever going to be a couple if you keep hiding her from me?
Cuddy: House… I need to protect her. I let you into her life, and you go away…
House: Call it what it is. I'm not the only one who's holding back.
Unplanned Parenthood
House invites Wilson to Cuddy's and then tries to leave Wilson with babysitting Rachel.
Wilson climbs out of Rachel's window to avoid Cuddy, but his car was parked right outside the house and she could hardly have missed it.
We get to see Wilson's bedside manner with children when he does an ultrasound on Rachel.
Office Politics
Cuddy hires Masters, who is only a third-year med student.
House: If lying to a patient saved their life, would you do it?
Masters: No.
House: That's a lie. If your grandma gave you a really crappy tea cozy for Christmas, would you tell her you liked it?
Masters: Yes, but that's different.
House: So, you lie when it doesn't matter but you won't when it does. How'd you get so screwed up?
The only House-Wilson interaction is House asking Wilson about lying to Cuddy to get her to authorise the treatment plan he wants for his patient.
A Pox on Our House
The one with the very moving slave ship beginning (and the very moving ending when the modern-day father dies). One of the more interesting cases they ever had.
Father, just before he is taken away to be thrown overboard: Naola is now your father. [Naola nods.]
Son: Daddy, no! I want to be with you!
Father: He is me.
We see Wilson and Sam with a child chemotherapy patient, and Wilson suggests that Sam might want to get pregnant.
Small Sacrifices
House: Causal determinism. We are hardwired to need answers. The cave man who heard a rustle in the bushes checked out to see what it was lived longer than the guy who assumed it was just a breeze. The problem is, when we don't find a logical answer, we settle for a stupid one. Ritual is what happens when we run out of rational.
House [sitting at Wilson's desk]: Why are you late? Your next dental appointment isn't till January, and you just saw your GP eight days ago. You think stage IV glioblastoma in an eight-year-old could disappear in three weeks?
Wilson: I had a flat tire. Your patient has cancer?
House: Your tires got less than 5,000 miles on them. No, and neither does my patient's daughter.
Wilson: I hit a piece of rebar near a construction site. In three weeks? It's highly unlikely.
House: There's no construction site between here and your home. I agree. I think it was a misdiagnosed cyst.
Wilson: But there is one between here and my dry cleaner. It could be a misdiagnosis, or it could be spontaneous remission. But… why would I lie about this?
House: I don't know yet. But you would have dropped off your tie. It's got a mustard stain.
Wilson: I was buying an engagement ring. I'm going to propose to Sam at the wedding.
House: That is the second stupidest thing I've heard today. And I'm surprised how close you came. You don't need to buy her a new ring. Isn't the first one good for all you can marry?
Wilson: I assume you haven't apologized to Cuddy yet. Your stupidity demands equal time.
House: Nothing to apologize for.
Wilson: Pretend to apologize.
House: You want me to lie?
Wilson: There's a lovely symmetry to it. The lie got you into it. A lie gets you out of it.
Wilson: Sometimes there is no explanation. And I'm just fine with that.
House: Which annoys me to no end.
House: Your woman is fudging the facts. Five of those cases, the stated doses don't explain the radiation damage.
Wilson: Sensitivities vary.
House: Not that much.
Wilson: Yeah. That's what I thought. I asked her point blank about this. She said the dosages were accurate and that she had done nothing wrong.
House: 'Cause morally she didn't. All five patients were terminal. She exceeded the dosing protocols to try to save their life. You would have done the same. She's a sap, and she's perfect for you.
Wilson proposes to Sam at the hospital chairman's wedding, and she later leaves him for not believing that she didn't falsify the files.
Wilson goes to House's place to tell him:
Wilson: Sam left me.
House: What a moron.
Wilson: [sits down on the couch] Too soon. I'm still in love with her.
House: I meant you.
Wilson: Do you have a drink? Or drinks?
House: Cuddy's coming over.
Wilson: Does she know you're here?
House: I apologized to her.
Wilson: Good for you. [heads for the door]
House: Not really. I lied. I just took your advice. Too bad you didn't.
Wilson [sincerely]: Good for you.
Larger Than Life
House lies to both Cuddy and Wilson to get an evening to himself, and they quickly find out.
House: I forgot. You guys talk. Look, no offense to either of you, but [to Cuddy] dinner with your mom? Come on, I-I'd have to act like a decent human being, and you know what a strain that puts on me. And you, [to Wilson] ever since you broke up with Sam, you've done nothing but mope and whine. It's an unbelievable bummer.
Wilson: And just what is so exciting you have to blow off both of us to do it?
House: I just want to sit on my couch in my underwear, drink scotch, and watch The Real Housewives of New Jersey… by myself. I just want one night off. Is that so much to ask?
Cuddy and Wilson: Yes.
Cuddy: You have to choose one of us.
House: I choose Wilson.
Cuddy: Good… because he's coming to my birthday dinner.
Wilson: I do not whine.
Cuddy's mother: So say you two got married, would you convert to Judaism?
Cuddy: We haven't gotten that far, Mom.
Wilson: That's actually a really interesting question.
House: I'm an atheist.
Cuddy's mother: Honey, half the Jews I know are atheists. It's about community.
Cuddy: House isn't that big on community.
Cuddy's mother: And why do you call him "House"? The man's name is Greg. It makes it seem like you're not serious. I'm just trying to help you think about the future. You're - you're a certain age now. The parade of boyfriends can't be as amusing as it was. You need to settle down, like your sister.
Wilson: Settling down isn't all it's cracked up to be. Next week is Sam's birthday. I was gonna take her to the Poconos and-
Cuddy's mother: That's very sad. Perhaps not the best choice of topic for a festive occasion.
House drugs both Cuddy's mother and Wilson, and lets Wilson's head fall onto the table instead of catching it like he did in 6x7 Known Unknowns.
At the end House lies to both Cuddy and Wilson again to get that evening to himself.
Carrot or Stick
House tries to train Cuddy's daughter and Chase tries to find the woman who posted a small-penis picture of him online.
Family Practice
Nice House-Foreman argument about the treatment of Cuddy's mother.
Cuddy's mother tells Cuddy that she likes her other daughter better.
You Must Remember This
House is actually a pretty good friend in this episode, by his standards!
House to Wilson: I need your medical opinion on what bar we're gonna hit for happy hour tonight to kick off the official end to your three-month pity party over Sam.
Wilson says no and doesn't tell House he now has a cat. House searches Wilson's car and "breaks into" Wilson's place (he no longer has a key?).
Wilson: Okay, fine. I got a cat. Release the Kraken.
House: I don't think you appreciate the severity of your situation. You are rapidly approaching an end-stage male spinsterism. That cat, that diabetic cat that you're shooting up with insulin and buying dime bags of catnip for, that means you've given up on ever finding anyone.
Wilson: Don't you think you're completely overreacting?
House: If I'm completely overreacting, why'd you lie to me?
Wilson: Um, because I knew you would completely overreact.
House to Cuddy: After divorce number two, he fell into a committed relationship with a three-legged Siamese. He stopped answering his phone, redecorated his place like Grey Gardens. He wasn't able to come back to humanity until a window was left suspiciously and heroically open. How that cat opened the window, I will never know.
House: Maybe your subconscious is afraid that you're gonna die alone. And it just comes out as gibberish and sneezing. Prove that I'm overreacting. Boys' night out. Good Time Charlie's. They just changed their slogan to, "where the trashiest ladies get trashed."
Wilson: You do see the hypocrisy in all this, don't you? Until recently, your lifestyle of choice was self-exile.
House: But I never had a cat.
House and Wilson go to the bar and House imagines what Wilson is saying to a woman he's trying to pick up:
House: Hi, there. Wilson, James Wilson. I'm a doctor. I'm hoping that's enough to close, because I'm also a social moron. And I have a cat.
House: Do you know if that OR nurse that Wilson liked ever broke up with her boyfriend?
Cuddy: I thought your Wilson fetish was over.
House: I'm putting together a second string in case things don't go well with the well-breasted barista.
Cuddy: You've got to let that guy alone.
House: He's not supposed to be alone.
Cuddy: Is that what this is about? You feel guilty because Wilson's the one that's alone and not you? You still don't think you deserve this.
House: Have you met me?
Cuddy: Your happiness doesn't take his away. It's okay to enjoy it.
House to patient: If it's any solace, everybody dies alone.
House: So… I wanna hear all the dirty, dairy-specific details of your night with java the slut.
Wilson: All right. First of all, all real. Second… a true connoisseur of the dark arts of… I flaked. I walked her to her car and said good night. I will get back into it, I - you just need to give me a little more time.
House: I'll give you ten days.
Wilson: [thinks about it] Fine.
I like to think House is lying awake in bed with Cuddy thinking of Wilson, who's lying awake with his cat.
Two Stories
House talks to a school class and two students who are waiting to see the principal. I like most of these kids - they must be at about the age I start finding children moderately interesting.
Cuddy is angry at House for using her toothbrush and not taking out the garbage.
Cuddy: I want you to care about more than just what you want, what you think. You need me, House. And you may even love me. But you don't care about me. And I deserve someone who does.
House's driver's license shows his birthday as 15 May 1959.
House to the principal: I need her in my life. You know what it's like to actually need someone?
Recession Proof
Wilson: You're really going to the charity gala? ... A hundred says you don't show up.
House: You're giving me an incentive to actually show up? A personal, selfish incentive?
Wilson: I'm just making easy money. 200.
House: How high did Cuddy authorize you to go?
Wilson: She… she didn't… 300. She really wants you there.
House: Why do people believe I'm incapable of doing anything nice?
Wilson: Experience. [House walks away smiling.]
Wilson, stopping by House's office on his way home: You okay?
House: Why wouldn't I be? Solved my case.
Wilson: But your patient died.
House: I didn't say in time. It happens. I can't save everyone.
Wilson: I just came to apologize. You're right. I am turning bitter and cynical inside.
House doesn't show up to the charity event he was supposed to go to with Cuddy. Wilson finds him at a bar and silently takes a seat next to him.
House: All of them are gone, Wilson. They're all dead because I am screwed up.
Wilson: You lost one patient. And it wasn't your fault.
House: What about that mom who gave her baby cancer? If I'd figured that one out quicker, she'd still be a mom, alive.
Wilson: She refused treatment when it was offered. How is that your fault?
House: And there was that guy I spent a day trapped in isolation with. He was five feet away the whole time. Just watched him die like an idiot.
Wilson: Yeah. You've lost patients before, and you'll lose patients again. Why…
House: Exactly! Why? Because love and happiness are… nothing but distractions. The only thing my relationship with Cuddy has done for me is make me a worse doctor.
Wilson: Right. The great Dr. House doesn't deserve to be happy. You know it's not true.
House: My happiness is being paid for by other people's lives. How is she?
Wilson: She's worried. She's upset that you didn't show up tonight.
House: I gotta tell her the truth, Wilson.
Wilson: First… first, you're not driving anywhere. And second, you are definitely not talking to Cuddy like this.
House: Okay. I'm gonna walk.
House: I've made a decision. Being happy and being in love with you… makes me a crappy doctor.
Cuddy: Shut up. You're too drunk to end this relationship.
House: I am drunk. And I'm also right. You have made me a worse doctor. And people are gonna die because of that. And… you… are totally worth it. If I had to choose between saving everyone and loving you and being happy… I choose you. I choose being happy with you. I will always choose you.
Bombshells
There is such a contrast between how House reacts to Cuddy being unwell here and Wilson's cancer in the final S8 arc. I wonder whether House learned from this experience and knew he had to do better when it was Wilson's turn, or whether he would have been there for Wilson in mid-S7 just as he was at the end of S8.
Wilson performs Cuddy's ultrasound after she discovers blood in her urine.
Cuddy has a sitcom-style dream about House and Wilson raising Rachel.
House, entering Wilson's office: What are you doing here?
Wilson: Pie-eating contest.
House: Cuddy's biopsy is in an hour. You should be keeping her company.
Wilson: Okay. You've been worried that your relationship is getting in the way of your diagnoses, you're protecting your patient. Either that or… you're an ass.
House: Three - I hate the smell of death.
Wilson: The chances of Cuddy having renal cell carcinoma-
House: I'm talking about our relationship. She needs support and comfort, both things that I famously suck at. This will inevitably lead to-
Wilson: You know what's good for that? Practice. Doing it - I don't know - once?
House dreams about fighting zombies, in scenes more gory than most episodes of Supernatural. I'm really glad he didn't dream about a zombie Wilson.
Wilson, trying to talk House into supporting Cuddy: House… I'm not going to tell you a third time. Do not screw this up. Because I really don't want to clean up the mess.
Foreman: Have you seen House?
Wilson: No.
Foreman: He left my place last night after you called. No one's seen him today. Any idea where he'd be?
Wilson: No.
Foreman: And you're not… worried about that? He's not good with bad news.
Wilson: Yes. I'm worried. But this isn't about House. It's about Cuddy. She's the one who could be dying, and he's trying to make this about himself. I'm not playing.
Foreman: Okay…
Wilson: She still believes he'll show up. He'll either get over himself and be who she needs him to be or he won't.
Cuddy: You took Vicodin. When you came to my hospital room that night, you were stoned.
House: How did you know?
Cuddy: How did I not know? How did I make myself forget for months that you're an addict? My subconscious was trying to tell me you could never get through this without drugs.
House: It was a one-time thing.
Cuddy: It's not about the pills, House. It's about what they mean.
House: I was scared because I thought my girlfriend might die.
Cuddy: No. You don't take Vicodin because you're scared. You take it so you won't feel pain. Everything you've ever done is to avoid pain - drugs, sarcasm, keeping everybody at arm's length so no one can hurt you.
House: As opposed to everyone else in the world who goes looking for pain like it's buried treasure?
Cuddy: Pain happens when you care. Y-you can't love someone without making yourself open to their problems, their fears. And you're not willing to do that.
House: I ca- I came to be with you.
Cuddy: But you weren't with me, not really.
House: I wanted to be.
Cuddy: That's not enough.
House: I can do better.
Cuddy: I don't think you can. You'll choose yourself over everybody else over and over again, because that's just who you are. I'm sorry.
House: No. No, no, no. Don't. Don't.
Cuddy: I thought I could do this.
House: Don't. Please don't.
Cuddy: Goodbye, House.
Out of the Chute
Wilson does his very best to be a supportive friend in this episode.
House [opening the door of his hotel room]: I'm fine.
Wilson: Okay.
House: I assume Cuddy told you that she dumped me.
Wilson: She did.
House: And that I'm back on Vicodin.
Wilson: She told me you had taken a Vicodin.
House: And then I took a lot more. And so on.
Wilson: But you're fine?
House: Well, I'm not fine as in "fine", but I'm fine as in "you don't have to worry about me."
Wilson: Because you cleared out your bank account, checked into a hotel, and started back on Vicodin?
House: Because I'm going to be fine as in "fine" very soon.
Wilson: Until that happens, are you sure Vicodin is the…
House: My leg hurts.
Wilson: You've been able to handle the pain.
House: It's gotten worse.
Wilson: Not physically worse.
House: Worse is worse. Pain doesn't discriminate. Neither do the pills. The Vicodin and the five-star pampering that I'm gonna get over the next few days should be enough to get me through it.
Wilson: So you don't want to just avoid the issue. You want to avoid avoiding the issue. Sorry.
House: Nothing is either as bad or as good as we think it is at the time. That's why T.O. mocks his opponents immediately after scoring. He doesn't wait till his friend shows up the next day to tell him to deal with it. Two weeks from now, maybe a little more, maybe a little less, my life will be back to its usual level of crappiness. Till then, the only real issue is how much I'm gonna spend on hotel charges.
House, pointing to Wilson: After he and I have sex, I'm gonna slit his throat and then disembowel him in the bathtub.
Hotel employee: Oh, no problem. I'll cancel the morning maid service. Would you like me to have them clean up later when they come to turn down your bed?
On massage tables in the hotel room:
Wilson: Maybe talk to someone?
House: Already scheduled.
Wilson: Really?
House: I'm not an idiot. I know I need help.
Wilson: Okay. That's… great. I meant, like, a counsellor.
House: I know.
Wilson: But you meant a hooker.
House: Yeah. Baby steps.
Wilson [angrily]: You knew he was an addict before you got involved. ... You knew he was an ass… You told him you did not want him to change.
Cuddy: And I was wrong.
Wilson: You don't know that. You thought you were gonna die. Do you really think that was the right time to make this kind of decision?
Cuddy: No. But I've thought about it. A lot. And I haven't changed my mind.
Wilson: He thought you were gonna die. Nobody knows the right way to react in that situation. Just give him another chance. He deserves it.
Cuddy: I know. But this isn't about what he deserves. When things go wrong, I don't want to hope that I'm not alone. I want to know it. With House… every time I needed him to step up… He's just never gonna be that. It's not his fault. It's who he is. I should have known it. This is my fault.
Wilson: Well, he's back on Vicodin. So you might want to… keep an eye on his new patient.
Wilson: You were bored. You must have spent about two days setting up a fake murder, and you were bored.
House: I'm fine.
Wilson: You're not. And I'm worried you might do something even stupider. Why don't you move back in with me? At least until you get back on track.
House: What an ego. You think you're some sort of emotional paragon? You're my rock?
Wilson: I'm trying to be a friend.
House: At least I have the good sense not to marry every woman I fall into bed with. Maybe you should move in with me.
Wilson: Either way. If you prefer…
House: I prefer you to stop talking about this.
Wilson: House, we haven't even started talking about this except to establish the fact that you are fine, which clearly you aren't.
House [loudly]: Leave me alone!
Wilson: No. We are gonna talk about this, and we're gonna deal with this.
House: So I have no choice? Fine. Unless… unless… Yes, I do. I do have legs. [He stands.] I see you didn't factor those into your brilliant plan. [He leaves.]
Wilson, at Cuddy's door: You're gonna have to talk to him eventually. He needs you.
Cuddy: I love him. And I know he loves me. But I just can't…
Wilson: He needs you in his life. Even if you're not sleeping with him, he needs you. [He seems almost overcome with emotion.] Without you…
Cuddy: You can't go backwards. I can't fix his problem. I am his problem.
On House's hotel room balcony:
Wilson: It's understandable.
House: I hate when you do that. You respond to what you think I'm thinking, because you think that I think like you do. It's insulting and annoying.
Wilson: You're scared because nothing excites you. Fun doesn't excite you. Puzzles don't excite you. What's left? And I was saying you're right. You're upset. You're depressed. Everything's gonna taste a little worse right now, but it'll pass. [House's expression says that Wilson got it right.]
House: It's understandable. You're scared because you think I'm falling apart, and you're trying to convince yourself that you're overreacting.
Wilson watches House jump off the balcony into the hotel pool.
Fall From Grace
House and Dominika get married. I'm glad Wilson didn't act as best man. I'm guessing House didn't even ask him.
Dominika: A very soft-looking man. Must be the Wilson.
House: Dominika needs a green card.
Wilson: So you're just doing some random stranger a favor? It's illegal. People go to jail for that… Pay huge fines.
House: Have you seen me practice medicine? You know how much it costs to have a live-in maid, personal assistant, cook, massage therapist, whore? I do. She's willing to work four days a week for free. It's gonna save me about $33,000. All I have to do is say two stupid words… "I do."
Wilson: And if she doesn't see it this way?
House: Iron-clad prenup… We go our separate ways. Your stunned look, I take it, is your way of saying, "Brilliant idea, House."
Cuddy: I know what House is doing. You, on the other hand… why do you care? He isn't hurting anyone.
Wilson: You're the first boss he's ever had who could handle him. Before you, he was either fired or buried under a mountain of malpractice suits. He needs someone to say no. He needs someone he'll listen to, when they say no. If you really care about House, you'll stop feeling sorry for him and get out there and start kicking him where he needs kicking.
Cuddy escapes to House's bedroom during the wedding ceremony and Wilson follows soon afterwards.
Dominika: I know this is not real marriage… but I really like you.
House: I like you too.
[Dominika kisses him.]
House: I can't.
Dominika: Why not?
House: I never sleep with married women. I'm going to bed. You can take the couch.
The Dig
The House & Thirteen road trip episode.
Thirteen: Why are you so determined to bring me to this competition? Why don’t you bring Wilson?
House: Wilson thinks it’s stupid.
Thirteen: He couldn't do it himself. He was… the disease had progressed too far. He was flailing. He didn't have any control over his own body. He pretty much lost control of his mind too, but… every once in a while, he would have a few seconds of lucidity. He turned to me, and he said, "it's time." I hooked up the IV. I used gloves. I knew they'd get me on the drugs, but they couldn't prove who pushed the plunger. I put in the needle, and he just… got quiet. And it was over. And I was alone. And one day, I will be that sick, and there will be no one there when it's time.
Thirteen: I didn't expect compassion from you. I would have taken commiseration. Hell, I would have taken revulsion, any emotional engagement at all. It's no wonder Cuddy broke up with you.
Thirteen: You always get your way, don't you?
House: Not always. Today would have been our one-year anniversary.
House: I'll kill you. When the time comes, if you want me to. I'll do it now if you like. I think I've got a baseball bat in the back.
Last Temptation
Cuddy to Masters: Working with House is great. And it sucks. Often simultaneously. Most people can't work in that environment. Question is… can you?
House and Wilson play a very animal-welfare-unfriendly game with chickens.
Masters decides not to stay on the team.
Changes
House: Miserable stays miserable. Happy doesn't buy lottery tickets in the first place.
House: Why haven't you been yelling at me about the Cuddy twins?
Wilson: Because you're doing the right thing.
House: Are we talking about the same issue? Is there something I don't know about that I'm responding to appropriately?
Wilson: Cuddy wants you in the middle of this. So does Arlene. Because they don't want to face their own problem. Somehow, in your knee-jerk, juvenile way, you tripped and fell into an actual adult response to this.
Wilson: Seriously? That's your rationalization? How about you didn't like that Cuddy tricked you? Even though you wanted the same thing as her. You didn't like that she got the best of you. You've got more anger toward her than you realize.
House: I'm happier without her. I'm not stupidly expecting her to make me happy. I'm happier with my unhappiness.
Wilson: Do you listen to what you're saying? Because I have to.
Wilson: I've been thinking about your irrationality, and I've come up with a rational explanation for it.
House: That's quite a challenge.
Wilson: You don't want to let go of Cuddy, so you're clinging to the negative interaction, because some small part of you thinks the bad stuff beats nothing at all.
House: You're almost making this work. All you got to do now is change reality. Perhaps if I was the one suing me.
Wilson: You didn't start it, but you had the chance to end it, and you didn't. You love her, House, and it's human to hang on, but you're blowing up not just your job but any chance of any kind of relationship with her again.
Cuddy's mother tries to get Cuddy and House back together again.
The Fix
House exercises his leg with a resistance band and injects himself with an experimental drug that's only been tested on rats.
Wilson does a dance in front of House's team after coming in to collect on a bet about a boxing match.
Foreman: Tell him you admit he's right. Let's get him back to work. ...
Wilson: I think this is good for him.
Foreman: Obsessing over a bet is good? And doing his actual job, treating actual patients, that's bad?
Wilson: House only doing what House wants is the only way he can function. Since the breakup, he's been seeking out crazier and crazier things to do because they're crazy. This is - well, it's not crazy.
Foreman: No, just irresponsible and possibly dangerous.
Wilson: By House standards, it's dull. This he's doing just because he's interested. I think House getting back to doing… stupid House stuff for stupid House reasons is the best thing that could happen to him.
Foreman to House: You ignore us all the time. You go on crazy joyrides all the time. But you answer pages, you sleep. I know I'm gonna regret doing this, but I'll ask anyway. Is there anything I can do to help?
Wilson: [through door] Experimental drugs?
House: That's unfair. 'Cause at one point, even Vicodin was an experimental drug. I have to go. ... I'll give you two minutes. But first, I'm gonna tell you that I'm off the drugs and you'll feel silly 'cause you've got nothing to say for two minutes.
Wilson: Hmm. Why are you off them?
House: Because they don't work.
Wilson: Why were you on them?
House: Because they come in banana flavor. You know the answer.
Wilson: You think fixing your leg will fix your life.
House: I think that my life will be somewhat better if part of my life, specifically my leg, is somewhat better.
Wilson: You think all your problems are your leg.
House: And you're here to tell me that no matter how depressed I may be, it's not enough.
Wilson: I think you want everything to be physical, tangible, simple. You want unhappiness to have a cure.
House pays up on his bet with Wilson, but sweeps everything on Wilson's desk onto the floor with his cane and breaks the glass on one of his posters. Wilson takes this rather calmly. Later Wilson gives him the money back after House finally diagnoses the boxer.
Wilson: Well done, House. You might have saved that guy.
House gets himself punched at a bar.
After Hours
House scrubs his bathroom floor and bathtub before performing surgery on himself. I watched the cleaning scene quite a few times and averted my eyes from the surgery. When he can't handle the pain any longer, he calls Wilson (who doesn't wake up), his team, and eventually Cuddy.
Wilson is sitting by his bedside the next morning in the hospital. House knocks Wilson's hands away when Wilson tries to help him get to the bathroom, but is forced to accept Wilson's help when he realises he can't stand unassisted.
Wilson: Listen to me. You can't keep going like this. Something has to change.
House: Can I pee first? [He and Wilson look at each other at close range.] I know.
Moving On
House to Cuddy, about his self-surgery: I was self-destructive. It won't happen again. I'm making changes. I'm gonna stop doing stupid things.
Wilson: You're forging my name on prescriptions again.
House: No. What you just said implies that I stopped at some point.
Wilson: 20 minutes ago, I put a notice out to all local pharmacies to require verbal authorization before filling my prescriptions.
House: You have any idea how much extra work you've just given yourself? You're not gonna last a week.
Wilson: I've been dealing with this for years. But it's over - your liver, your hearing, never mind the fact that each scrip you write is a separate felony. You will serve time, so could I.
House: You've chosen this moment to give me crap about my Vicodin use?
Wilson: [picking up a Vicodin bottle] You filled this three days ago. Now it's almost half gone.
House: So is my leg.
Wilson: It's a month supply. The amount you're taking has nothing to do with physical pain.
House: Okay. So maybe I am trying to numb myself a little, because I'm trying to change, trying to stop being self-destructive.
Wilson: So you can only handle not self-destructing by being self-destructive?
House: What do you want from me?
Wilson: I don't know, House, but I'm worried about you. I don't know how many times I can watch you cut off pieces of yourself. Now it's the ICU. Next time it'll be the morgue. You're miserable. And you're angry. And I want you to actually deal with that and not just try to medicate the issue away.
House: No. You know what I feel right now? I don't feel miserable or angry. I don't feel good or bad. I feel… nothing… which feels great.
Wilson: What are you doing?
House: Moving on. In the direction of my house, where I got some more pills.
House: I did it to fix my life. No, wait. No, I did it because I'm a deeply unhappy person. No-no, I did it to get sympathy from you. I did it to piss you off. I did it because I'm not over you. Or I was over you, and I was moving on. I did it because I wanted to know what it's like not to be in pain. I did it because I want to feel more pain. Whatever the reason, it was a bad reason and a bad idea. That's all that matters. Good lunch.
Cuddy: House… talk to me!
House: I already did.
Cuddy: No, you just parroted back what Wilson and I've been saying to you the last few days.
House: Get out of my way.
Cuddy: No. Oh, you pulled a stitch. House, please just talk to me. [House pushes her against the wall.]
House: [loudly] You want to know how I feel? [quietly] I feel hurt.
Cuddy: I know. I'm sorry.
House: It's not your fault.
House rails at the artistic patient who decides to go ahead with treatment that might affect her creative abilities.
Wilson goes to House's apartment to check on him, phones him when House doesn't answer the door, and then suggests they go for a drink when House finally lets him in. I think it's more likely that Wilson would have driven them in his car, but they needed House driving his own car for the next scene. Apparently we were meant to think that House didn't intend to cause anyone physical harm, but I'd say he was driving much too fast to be sure there was no one in the room (say, Rachel playing on the floor) when he crashed through the wall, and in any case he broke Wilson's wrist and caused what I'd consider an unforgiveable amount of property damage! This is probably my least favourite episode of the entire series.