What I Want (Part 1/2)
Pairing: Dave Gahan (Right) and Martin Gore (Left), from Depeche Mode
Rating: PG-13 (Drugs, Cursing, Drama)
THIS STORY IS FICTION!!! Although I mention some things that actually happened to Dave, this is 98% fiction!!!!!
MARTIN:
Ever since I first heard his voice in 1980, I have loved him. Ever since I first met him, I something serious was going to go down between us. It was “written in the sky above.”
My primary job in the band was to compose songs for Dave to sing. It was a task that gave me more satisfaction than writing songs for myself to sing.
After about six years, in 1986 and during the release of Black Celebration, I couldn’t contain my feelings for him anymore. One night, I mentioned it to Dave while we were in the studio alone. He was scared at first and reluctant to respond to my confession, he eventually admitted that he’d felt the same way for “quite a while”. After that, we spent many pleasure-filled nights together, his skin against mine. Because we were both still in “the closet” to everyone but ourselves, we put a lot of effort into hiding the fact that were in a relationship with each other. One thing we did often while touring was rent two separate hotel rooms and agree to converge in one of them at a particular time.
One night, however, everything changed when Fletch caught us being intimate with each other. We were in the very back of our tour bus and, thinking everyone was asleep, we kissed each other. Fletch happened to wake up a few moments before then and was heading towards the restroom in the back of the bus, so he caught us kissing. Fletch had been suspecting there was something between us for a long time and this only confirmed his suspicion. He was angry with us at first, saying the we “get control of ourselves” and “be practical.” Because Fletch had put himself in charge of maintaining the band’s business, he said it was not good for two gay men to be the leading members of an up-and-coming band. This was especially in the UK, during the 1980s and after the passage of Section 28. “Now is not the time,” Fletch had told us, “so you have to keep this well-hidden if you’re going to keep acting this way. I don’t really care what you do with each other, but I’m going to let something like this bring the band down.”
This was distressing for me and Dave to hear. We snuck around for about another year, being even more careful than we had previously been, but this began to get to Dave. Though he was always a little shy, he’d become more outgoing in previous years. He liked to be out with other people and he liked to drink as well. Now he was afraid to go with friends because he was afraid of accidentally saying something about our relationship. He hated how, when we did go out, he couldn’t be too friendly towards me. He didn’t like living with all this worry and it was driving him crazy. He couldn’t live confined and I couldn’t live without him.
One night, his frustration levees broke and we began arguing in my hotel room. He was upset and was saying that he wanted a life of his own, that he couldn’t handle having hide everything like a criminal. I begged him to stay, saying that I needed him in my life, that I loved him. However, he left me and stormed away to his room while I cried, alone.
The next morning, I laid in bed and ran through the argument in my mind. I remembered his facial expressions, the way he’d spoken to me, our last kiss in the middle of the argument, and how he’d had to pry his hands away from my grasp. Running through it all, I realized that that he didn’t really want to leave me; He was doing it for our the good of the band and because he felt pressured. I believed that he didn’t want to end our relationship, but felt pressured into it.
I saw him in the afternoon and he looked like he hadn’t slept much. We exchanged many awkward glances throughout the day and they only reassured me that the love was still between us. We may have been living our separated lives now, but the emotions between us were never spoiled; They were never ruined.
“Don’t say you want me. Don’t say you need me. Don’t say you love me. It’s understood.
Don’t say you’re happy, out there without me. I know you can’t be, cause’ it’s no good.”
A/N: I already have the second part written, so you don't have to worry about this being another unfinished story. (I'm notorious for leaving stories unfinished, I know.)
If you enjoyed this story, please comment. I spent almost all day working on it. I'll post the second part as soon as I get a comment or two. :-)
Sorry if the font is weird, I typed this in Google Docs.