Still not alright
So I think Nick and I finally worked things out, at least as it pertains to his emotions. We went to breakers last night and watched the sun set over the lake. It was... nice. Then cam eback, partd ways for a bit, then watched the first half of a movie and went to bed. He asked me if I would mind if he went for a walk before bed. I said that I did, so he stayed. I'm still not sure about that. Where do I draw the line between letting him do what he wants and asking for what I need? It dosen't help that I feel incredably needy right now. Whatever it was that I needed to have learned, I don't think I've gotten the lesson again. I hope I can learn it before I break a second time, because damn, that really hurts. And because I'd hate to start a pattern of going hysterical whenever Nick wants to talk with Cammey. I trust him - at least I say that I do, and I really do for the most part, but there's this one little doubt that's driving me crazy. I won't stop feeling threatened by Cammey until I get rid of that. I recognize that it's pretty much solely my problem at this point. I just don't know what to do about it. I still feel so sad. I want to sto feeling sad. Jon would probably say that it's my wants that are making me unhappy. He's probably right. I still don't know what I'm going to do. I feel so incredably fragil. I want someone to take care of me. If I'm completely honest with myself, part of me wants to stay this fragil so that Nick has to take care of me, and I'll become completely dependent on him, and (in theory) he won't leave me. I know logically that's complete shit. Is that what this has all been about? I don't think so. It probably explains a lot of what I'm feeling right now, though. I don't want to grow up anymore. I don't want to be that indepenedent. In the darkest corner of my heart, I don't trust that someone's going to be there for me when I need them if I'm not already dependent on them. (Stupid childhood traumas that I can never escape from)
Yesterday, when I knew there was a chance Nick might leave for good, I asked myself if I could survive that. I decided I probably could, but barely. Is it that kind of trauma I need before I'll finally grow? Do I simply lack the willpower to grow that much on my own, without life forcing me to? I've been trying to be more independent, but then it starts to collapse and I'm just a house of cards on a windy day. How do I keep on with my life when it's still falling apart? The same as I've always done, I suppose. The crisis never waits until classes are over. One day at a time, right? There is no pain that I can't live through. I know that, I have proof. This is me resisting it with all of my might. Maybe it's time for me to bend with the breeze and let the pain blow though me rather than fighting it. It's worth a try, at any rate. It can only make things worse if it dosen't work, but they're probably headed there anyways without my help. I'll be ok as long as I remember to breathe, as long as I remember that somewhere inside of me there is the strength to outlast any storm. Maybe then I'll finally learn to accept my intrinsic worth, and this lesson will end.
Yesterday, when I knew there was a chance Nick might leave for good, I asked myself if I could survive that. I decided I probably could, but barely. Is it that kind of trauma I need before I'll finally grow? Do I simply lack the willpower to grow that much on my own, without life forcing me to? I've been trying to be more independent, but then it starts to collapse and I'm just a house of cards on a windy day. How do I keep on with my life when it's still falling apart? The same as I've always done, I suppose. The crisis never waits until classes are over. One day at a time, right? There is no pain that I can't live through. I know that, I have proof. This is me resisting it with all of my might. Maybe it's time for me to bend with the breeze and let the pain blow though me rather than fighting it. It's worth a try, at any rate. It can only make things worse if it dosen't work, but they're probably headed there anyways without my help. I'll be ok as long as I remember to breathe, as long as I remember that somewhere inside of me there is the strength to outlast any storm. Maybe then I'll finally learn to accept my intrinsic worth, and this lesson will end.