To Timothy
Loyalty has always been my forte. But I find my heart in
pieces, though all of them are dedicated to you at the moment, they still sting
at the edges where they haven’t quite come back together again. As much as you
say that you can’t care right now, I have to, because otherwise I feel as
though I would fall to worse disrepair than I already am at currently. The
nights when I get the privilege to sleep by your side, curled against your
back, I find myself sleeping soundly, and most nights are void of thought or
dream, something that is rare indeed, and much prized for my overactive mind.
But I wonder what happened to the nights when you once held me back. Before you
turned your back to me.
I have become much more comfortable around you. I suppose
this is sorta obvious since I’m speaking out more, and just my general behavior
is different…
But there are still times that I lack the ability to do what
my heart and instinct yells at me for not just jumping and performing.
Like last night, when you were falling asleep in the chair,
my lips wanted nothing more than to kiss your forehead and my fingertips to brush
gently through your hair, and my legs refused to budge. I feared you would
flinch from me in your tired sleepiness and I would retreat in tears, which I
did anyway because I tend to fear the worst. Granted, my emotions are slightly
off, it is an awkward time of month, and
I will blame everything under the sun before I ever blame you.
I’ll call it a defense mechanism, I’ll call it Luna being a
complete and utter imbecile and a cowardly lion, I’ll call it being heartbroken
and attempting to heal. Though you would think after a year, I would have
gotten over it by now. I don’t speak on it, because it just seems weird. With
you, your marriage to your wife lasted five years, my relationship almost
lasted a fifth of that. It doesn’t seem like I have a leg to stand on where
unhappiness comes. But what I hide is a lot more than what I have ever
revealed. Honesty is my policy, except I suppose when it comes to lying to
myself, seems I do that pretty often just to get by.
To say that I love you and your daughter would be obvious.
But to say that I love myself… Still having a hard time dealing with that one.
I don’t think I’m pretty, I don’t see much in the way of self worth some days,
but I find myself beginning to bloom when I’m around you. Seeing you smile,
your eyes lighting up, blue and calm as the water I love to look upon so often,
I can tell you are starting to change too.
The best part about being with you? Just being around you
most of the time makes me forget about everything else that sucks in my life.
And every once in a while my heart comes together, and I can even say without
looking in the mirror that I am beautiful, and that I have achieved this on my
own… but you sure as hell have helped. At work, people have commented on the
change in my attitude, somehow I’m smiling all the damned time, and seem to be
so happy.
It’s you. As it has been for a while now.
I became saddened after you commented that you would rather
have me as a friend than a lover, because a friend would stay with you and a
lover would leave you, even though I took it as a compliment that you would like
me to stay by your side. There is so much more that I would like to be for you,
to do for you, and sometimes you let me, and other times you make me wonder
whether I’m wanted at all.
But because I’m bullheaded, I said I would stand by your
side, and I meant every word I have said. You can do a lot of things to me, put
me through hell, but I know you won’t, not intentionally. Your heart is good
and pure, albeit wounded like my own. But it’s still beautiful, and deserves to
be cared for, just like mine does.
I know you will probably never read this, which sucks and is
alright all the same, once again the cowardly lion comes to mind cause I think
my head would explode right now at the thought of you reading it… all in due
time, I suppose.
Yeah, I left the rose on your computer desk, yes, your
pajama pants are a hella lot more comfortable than anything I have simply
because they are yours, I do believe I may have a want to tackle you and kiss
you every single time I see you though it’s pretty obvious I have a lot of
restraint, I may be one of the people who accidently puts dirty dishes in the dishwasher
once it’s been run( aka, my idea for the zombie clean/dirty dishwasher magnet...:/ )
,hell no I don’t care if you crawl into bed thinking you stink to high heaven
from working all day, you still smell amazing cause it’s you and your body is
crazy awesome like that, I’ll try my hardest to learn to speak up more often
and not be so… well, submissive, subservient… whatever it is that I am, and as
always don’t forget that even if you can’t right now, I do care, and I care a
hell of a lot. Your little family means a lot to my little family. Even if the
midgets like to bump heads, Jack still gets upset when he doesn’t get
to see Des, just as she gets exasperated with me when I show up without him.
Seems as though everything is in order. The thought process
died, so I will just have to leave it at that.
Hope the work day poses no issues, though I know you will be
able to surpass them; I will see you tonight, of course.
There is light on the horizon, and I feel much better having
just written this for you. Maybe soon the coward in me will get that courage I’ve
been looking to obtain from the Wizard of Oz...
Madly Loving You,
Luna
pieces, though all of them are dedicated to you at the moment, they still sting
at the edges where they haven’t quite come back together again. As much as you
say that you can’t care right now, I have to, because otherwise I feel as
though I would fall to worse disrepair than I already am at currently. The
nights when I get the privilege to sleep by your side, curled against your
back, I find myself sleeping soundly, and most nights are void of thought or
dream, something that is rare indeed, and much prized for my overactive mind.
But I wonder what happened to the nights when you once held me back. Before you
turned your back to me.
I have become much more comfortable around you. I suppose
this is sorta obvious since I’m speaking out more, and just my general behavior
is different…
But there are still times that I lack the ability to do what
my heart and instinct yells at me for not just jumping and performing.
Like last night, when you were falling asleep in the chair,
my lips wanted nothing more than to kiss your forehead and my fingertips to brush
gently through your hair, and my legs refused to budge. I feared you would
flinch from me in your tired sleepiness and I would retreat in tears, which I
did anyway because I tend to fear the worst. Granted, my emotions are slightly
off, it is an awkward time of month, and
I will blame everything under the sun before I ever blame you.
I’ll call it a defense mechanism, I’ll call it Luna being a
complete and utter imbecile and a cowardly lion, I’ll call it being heartbroken
and attempting to heal. Though you would think after a year, I would have
gotten over it by now. I don’t speak on it, because it just seems weird. With
you, your marriage to your wife lasted five years, my relationship almost
lasted a fifth of that. It doesn’t seem like I have a leg to stand on where
unhappiness comes. But what I hide is a lot more than what I have ever
revealed. Honesty is my policy, except I suppose when it comes to lying to
myself, seems I do that pretty often just to get by.
To say that I love you and your daughter would be obvious.
But to say that I love myself… Still having a hard time dealing with that one.
I don’t think I’m pretty, I don’t see much in the way of self worth some days,
but I find myself beginning to bloom when I’m around you. Seeing you smile,
your eyes lighting up, blue and calm as the water I love to look upon so often,
I can tell you are starting to change too.
The best part about being with you? Just being around you
most of the time makes me forget about everything else that sucks in my life.
And every once in a while my heart comes together, and I can even say without
looking in the mirror that I am beautiful, and that I have achieved this on my
own… but you sure as hell have helped. At work, people have commented on the
change in my attitude, somehow I’m smiling all the damned time, and seem to be
so happy.
It’s you. As it has been for a while now.
I became saddened after you commented that you would rather
have me as a friend than a lover, because a friend would stay with you and a
lover would leave you, even though I took it as a compliment that you would like
me to stay by your side. There is so much more that I would like to be for you,
to do for you, and sometimes you let me, and other times you make me wonder
whether I’m wanted at all.
But because I’m bullheaded, I said I would stand by your
side, and I meant every word I have said. You can do a lot of things to me, put
me through hell, but I know you won’t, not intentionally. Your heart is good
and pure, albeit wounded like my own. But it’s still beautiful, and deserves to
be cared for, just like mine does.
I know you will probably never read this, which sucks and is
alright all the same, once again the cowardly lion comes to mind cause I think
my head would explode right now at the thought of you reading it… all in due
time, I suppose.
Yeah, I left the rose on your computer desk, yes, your
pajama pants are a hella lot more comfortable than anything I have simply
because they are yours, I do believe I may have a want to tackle you and kiss
you every single time I see you though it’s pretty obvious I have a lot of
restraint, I may be one of the people who accidently puts dirty dishes in the dishwasher
once it’s been run( aka, my idea for the zombie clean/dirty dishwasher magnet...:/ )
,hell no I don’t care if you crawl into bed thinking you stink to high heaven
from working all day, you still smell amazing cause it’s you and your body is
crazy awesome like that, I’ll try my hardest to learn to speak up more often
and not be so… well, submissive, subservient… whatever it is that I am, and as
always don’t forget that even if you can’t right now, I do care, and I care a
hell of a lot. Your little family means a lot to my little family. Even if the
midgets like to bump heads, Jack still gets upset when he doesn’t get
to see Des, just as she gets exasperated with me when I show up without him.
Seems as though everything is in order. The thought process
died, so I will just have to leave it at that.
Hope the work day poses no issues, though I know you will be
able to surpass them; I will see you tonight, of course.
There is light on the horizon, and I feel much better having
just written this for you. Maybe soon the coward in me will get that courage I’ve
been looking to obtain from the Wizard of Oz...
Madly Loving You,
Luna