To James...
Dear James,
I’ve never really known quite how to say things to you, how
much I cared, how much you really meant to me, or to my son. Things just aren’t
the same without you. The world still turns, I still go to work, Jack still
gets taller, and I still go on loving, because that’s just the person I am.
Without love, I believe there wouldn’t me much in this world to interest me. It’s
hard to think about the fact that it’s been almost a month over a year since
you told me you weren’t good enough for me, that I deserved better. I still am
in the belief that I hardly deserved you… And that I should have been a lot
more grateful for the time I was able to spend by your side. Jack asked about
you just a few days ago. He’s done this a lot more often, actually. He misses
the way you would sit down with him and play with his transformers with him,
how you would interact with him and send him into giggles with your funny
actions. He doesn’t really have anyone to do that with anymore. Granted, Tim is
here, and his roommate John, but in comparison, you really took the cake where
Jack is concerned. Every single time he mentions you, he looks so sad and
forlorn, and a little bit of me dies inside, because I know exactly how he feels.
I miss the way you would always reach out to me when we
would go walking, your hand grasping with almost childish impatience at the air
until it was filled with mine. Then that smile would cross your face and we
could commence our steps. Especially when it was really icy out last winter and
the winter before, and you knew I would be liable to slip because I’m such a klutz,
so you wouldn’t let me stray from your side once we were out the door.
I miss sitting down and gaming with you. Granted, I can game
with anyone, but no one was as interested in really delving into and playing
for hours on end till our happy meters were filled. And the art projects… the corn
hole boards. And just listening to you talk about the aquariums you were
working on, watching as the house slowly became a home, new paint applied, your
room transforming every week into your safe haven…
I miss your family, yeah, even Tom. It’s so hard… so
unbelievable hard, accepting the way my
family does things, how we are so distant. I was welcomed into your parents
home like I had been there forever, to family birthdays, to Christmas, New
Years.. I miss their smiling faces, the laughter, the sense of camaraderie. How
funny your dad was, he was so straight faced about most things, but the twinkle
in his eyes was unmistakable. And your mom, always making something amazing in
her kitchen, the air permanently infused with the amazing scents of food she
had lovingly cooked. I sometimes wonder if she wears the necklace I made her
for her birthday, though I feel it wasn’t as nice as a lot of the other things
she had received, I should have done better.
I should have done better in a lot of things though, like
being able to keep my composure last week after Jack telling me at work that he
had seen you and Amanda in Greenwood having a drink together after work
Wednesday night. Instead, me, knowing I haven’t been okay, but trying to
pretend and lie to myself all the same, tried to convince Jack that it wasn’t a
mistake that he told me he saw you, yeah, I was totally cool with the fact that you guys hung out, how is he
doing?
Jack, bless his soul, knew I wasn’t, and changed the subject
pretty quickly.
And me? I was forced a little later on to retreat to the back
stock cooler for section 78 where I proceeded to bawl my fucking eyes out like
and idiot. Charmika came and found me later, giving me a big hug. Which leads
me to the next thing.
I miss your embrace. If there is one thing in the world that
there is more than enough but that I am in short supply of, it is of me being held. I feel so weak. Here I
sit, tearstained cheeks and hiccupping, staring down the computer screen
through what looks to be a waterfall, really it’s just a headache and some
bodily fluids. Mmm… sounds pretty gross. Now all I wanna do is make and absurd
Excel Saga reference; you would understand. We never did finish off the series…
Excel and Illpalazo might possibly get their act together in the end.
Back to business though, I need not even mention what still
resides on my nightstand, resting next to my moon and star box. And the picture
of you and me bumping heads, yeah, Stareyes, it still greets me when I wake at
the home which isn’t mine. When I sleep there, in the same bed we shared for
what seems like only a minute, I still sometimes dream of you, mostly I wake up
crying, sometimes screaming, always a little shaken. I don’t suppose the dream
catcher is working properly if such things are occurring, but no matter. It
still means I get to see you, even if it’s not in person. Still have eight
pillows floating around on my bed, but they are a sore substitute for an arm
under my head, a chest to snuggle into and another arm resting gently on my
hip. And pillows don’t have your scent, or your amazing sunflower colored eyes.
And they deffinately don’t…
They don’t have your stupid face. The one that would always
smile at me after I woke up, tell me,’ Good morning, Sunshine.” And pillows don’t
have your lips, the ones that never seems happy being idle, unless idle was a
state of your lips resting upon mine. I
miss being kissed so much it hurts.
The weird thing about all this?
I miss those things that I got from you, but I miss your
friendship the most. I can get any of those things from someone else, granted
it is a bit different, and a lot of those things, especially the affectionate
ones are, sad to say, not readily available to me at this point in time, much
to my sadness…
But your friendship is something that cannot be replaced. NO
ONE can take your place, James Shepardson. And as my tears are beginning to
slowly dry, I can tell you in good faith that when you decided to stop
communication a few months back, you reopened that black hole in my heart, and
you are no different than any other friend who has left me behind. Until you
return, that hole will still be unfilled. Because it was made for you. My heart
is always growing, and hopefully one day I will have a lot more people nestled
snuggly in their own homes in my heart. I have already expanded the surface
area because of Tim and Destiny, they take up a lot of real estate on my heart
and my soul now.
Hopefully that the hole you left behind, though it
still actively hurts like and infected wound, will become smaller and less noticeable.
Any maybe soon the scar will hardly be seen, but for today, I suppose
I will just have to lick my wounds, and keep on truckin.
Nobody wants to deal with a sad Luna. Hell, that was one
thing you couldn’t even handle. Fake it to make it, huh Jamesis?
In the end, I only hope you are doing well, and I wish you
only the best, because to think of you being unhappy, well it doesn’t bode well
with me.
Happy Tuesday.
As always,
Luna
Smile, though your
heart is aching.
Smile, even though it’s
breaking.
When there are clouds
in the sky, you’ll get by
If you smile, through
your fear and sorrow
Smile, and maybe
tomorrow
You’ll see the sun
come shining through for you
Light up your face
with gladness
Hide every trace of
sadness
Although a tear may be
ever so near
That’s the time you
must keep on trying
Smile, what’s the use
of crying?
You’ll find that life
is still worthwhile
If you just smile.
I’ve never really known quite how to say things to you, how
much I cared, how much you really meant to me, or to my son. Things just aren’t
the same without you. The world still turns, I still go to work, Jack still
gets taller, and I still go on loving, because that’s just the person I am.
Without love, I believe there wouldn’t me much in this world to interest me. It’s
hard to think about the fact that it’s been almost a month over a year since
you told me you weren’t good enough for me, that I deserved better. I still am
in the belief that I hardly deserved you… And that I should have been a lot
more grateful for the time I was able to spend by your side. Jack asked about
you just a few days ago. He’s done this a lot more often, actually. He misses
the way you would sit down with him and play with his transformers with him,
how you would interact with him and send him into giggles with your funny
actions. He doesn’t really have anyone to do that with anymore. Granted, Tim is
here, and his roommate John, but in comparison, you really took the cake where
Jack is concerned. Every single time he mentions you, he looks so sad and
forlorn, and a little bit of me dies inside, because I know exactly how he feels.
I miss the way you would always reach out to me when we
would go walking, your hand grasping with almost childish impatience at the air
until it was filled with mine. Then that smile would cross your face and we
could commence our steps. Especially when it was really icy out last winter and
the winter before, and you knew I would be liable to slip because I’m such a klutz,
so you wouldn’t let me stray from your side once we were out the door.
I miss sitting down and gaming with you. Granted, I can game
with anyone, but no one was as interested in really delving into and playing
for hours on end till our happy meters were filled. And the art projects… the corn
hole boards. And just listening to you talk about the aquariums you were
working on, watching as the house slowly became a home, new paint applied, your
room transforming every week into your safe haven…
I miss your family, yeah, even Tom. It’s so hard… so
unbelievable hard, accepting the way my
family does things, how we are so distant. I was welcomed into your parents
home like I had been there forever, to family birthdays, to Christmas, New
Years.. I miss their smiling faces, the laughter, the sense of camaraderie. How
funny your dad was, he was so straight faced about most things, but the twinkle
in his eyes was unmistakable. And your mom, always making something amazing in
her kitchen, the air permanently infused with the amazing scents of food she
had lovingly cooked. I sometimes wonder if she wears the necklace I made her
for her birthday, though I feel it wasn’t as nice as a lot of the other things
she had received, I should have done better.
I should have done better in a lot of things though, like
being able to keep my composure last week after Jack telling me at work that he
had seen you and Amanda in Greenwood having a drink together after work
Wednesday night. Instead, me, knowing I haven’t been okay, but trying to
pretend and lie to myself all the same, tried to convince Jack that it wasn’t a
mistake that he told me he saw you, yeah, I was totally cool with the fact that you guys hung out, how is he
doing?
Jack, bless his soul, knew I wasn’t, and changed the subject
pretty quickly.
And me? I was forced a little later on to retreat to the back
stock cooler for section 78 where I proceeded to bawl my fucking eyes out like
and idiot. Charmika came and found me later, giving me a big hug. Which leads
me to the next thing.
I miss your embrace. If there is one thing in the world that
there is more than enough but that I am in short supply of, it is of me being held. I feel so weak. Here I
sit, tearstained cheeks and hiccupping, staring down the computer screen
through what looks to be a waterfall, really it’s just a headache and some
bodily fluids. Mmm… sounds pretty gross. Now all I wanna do is make and absurd
Excel Saga reference; you would understand. We never did finish off the series…
Excel and Illpalazo might possibly get their act together in the end.
Back to business though, I need not even mention what still
resides on my nightstand, resting next to my moon and star box. And the picture
of you and me bumping heads, yeah, Stareyes, it still greets me when I wake at
the home which isn’t mine. When I sleep there, in the same bed we shared for
what seems like only a minute, I still sometimes dream of you, mostly I wake up
crying, sometimes screaming, always a little shaken. I don’t suppose the dream
catcher is working properly if such things are occurring, but no matter. It
still means I get to see you, even if it’s not in person. Still have eight
pillows floating around on my bed, but they are a sore substitute for an arm
under my head, a chest to snuggle into and another arm resting gently on my
hip. And pillows don’t have your scent, or your amazing sunflower colored eyes.
And they deffinately don’t…
They don’t have your stupid face. The one that would always
smile at me after I woke up, tell me,’ Good morning, Sunshine.” And pillows don’t
have your lips, the ones that never seems happy being idle, unless idle was a
state of your lips resting upon mine. I
miss being kissed so much it hurts.
The weird thing about all this?
I miss those things that I got from you, but I miss your
friendship the most. I can get any of those things from someone else, granted
it is a bit different, and a lot of those things, especially the affectionate
ones are, sad to say, not readily available to me at this point in time, much
to my sadness…
But your friendship is something that cannot be replaced. NO
ONE can take your place, James Shepardson. And as my tears are beginning to
slowly dry, I can tell you in good faith that when you decided to stop
communication a few months back, you reopened that black hole in my heart, and
you are no different than any other friend who has left me behind. Until you
return, that hole will still be unfilled. Because it was made for you. My heart
is always growing, and hopefully one day I will have a lot more people nestled
snuggly in their own homes in my heart. I have already expanded the surface
area because of Tim and Destiny, they take up a lot of real estate on my heart
and my soul now.
Hopefully that the hole you left behind, though it
still actively hurts like and infected wound, will become smaller and less noticeable.
Any maybe soon the scar will hardly be seen, but for today, I suppose
I will just have to lick my wounds, and keep on truckin.
Nobody wants to deal with a sad Luna. Hell, that was one
thing you couldn’t even handle. Fake it to make it, huh Jamesis?
In the end, I only hope you are doing well, and I wish you
only the best, because to think of you being unhappy, well it doesn’t bode well
with me.
Happy Tuesday.
As always,
Luna
Smile, though your
heart is aching.
Smile, even though it’s
breaking.
When there are clouds
in the sky, you’ll get by
If you smile, through
your fear and sorrow
Smile, and maybe
tomorrow
You’ll see the sun
come shining through for you
Light up your face
with gladness
Hide every trace of
sadness
Although a tear may be
ever so near
That’s the time you
must keep on trying
Smile, what’s the use
of crying?
You’ll find that life
is still worthwhile
If you just smile.