they're called social skills because they can be learned
(context: someone in one of my ND groups said 'I don't believe in "incorrect or poor social skills". That's a relative term, and assumes an objectively "correct" way to communicate and socialise. I reject that assumption.')
I agree that many of the things people *assume* are objectively correct are actually just cultural. (I'm particularly interested in the study where they put a bunch of autistics in a room and asked them to do specific communication-based tasks *with each other*, and found no statistically significant difference in "communication skills" from the NT control group.)
But I absolutely believe there are such things as social skills - I've been intentionally studying them lately. How to gracefully start and end a conversation, how to support someone who's having trouble (especially things like "Are you looking for solutions, validation, or just listening?"), how to contribute effectively in a work meeting (knowing when to table a discussion, what needs to be brought up immediately vs. later in an email, etc.)... all kinds of stuff.
All these, and more, are real skills. And just like basketball, some people may have more natural aptitude and some people may really struggle, but they can in fact be taught and learned.
Part of the problem with our society is that they generally *aren't* taught in any systematic way, so those of us who don't just "pick them up" on our own are left in the dark.
And certainly there are a lot of NTs who *think* they have good social skills, when what they actually have is familiarity with a specific set of expectations and ways of communicating and being in the world - and they're totally lost when dealing with a different set. But that doesn't mean social skills, as a concept, are fake.
I agree that many of the things people *assume* are objectively correct are actually just cultural. (I'm particularly interested in the study where they put a bunch of autistics in a room and asked them to do specific communication-based tasks *with each other*, and found no statistically significant difference in "communication skills" from the NT control group.)
But I absolutely believe there are such things as social skills - I've been intentionally studying them lately. How to gracefully start and end a conversation, how to support someone who's having trouble (especially things like "Are you looking for solutions, validation, or just listening?"), how to contribute effectively in a work meeting (knowing when to table a discussion, what needs to be brought up immediately vs. later in an email, etc.)... all kinds of stuff.
All these, and more, are real skills. And just like basketball, some people may have more natural aptitude and some people may really struggle, but they can in fact be taught and learned.
Part of the problem with our society is that they generally *aren't* taught in any systematic way, so those of us who don't just "pick them up" on our own are left in the dark.
And certainly there are a lot of NTs who *think* they have good social skills, when what they actually have is familiarity with a specific set of expectations and ways of communicating and being in the world - and they're totally lost when dealing with a different set. But that doesn't mean social skills, as a concept, are fake.