~If you look at it a certain way I actually won that fight
Blegh last week wasn't very good either, I'd say ups and downs but it was mostly downs. :/ It feels like this keeps happening... maybe it's 2020 stress really piling up. The loneliness I think is starting to get to me. I ended up writing a touch starvation based fic as a result where Edgar gets touched a lot and enjoys it. On the other hand, I wrote another one that's the complete opposite of that and a sort of sequel to Trust Exercise where Edgar does NOT want to be touched but gets touched anyway. The second one is so depressing and awful and sad though that I dunno if I'll actually post it anywhere, and the first one is just a pwp but that one has a better chance of being finished. I also did a bit of writing in Vargas! Finally starting to stitch together the latter half of the scene. I end up writing little snips of dialogue that occur to me in the text file, and some of them are really way out of order but I want to hang onto them before I forget. The end of the current scene had a bunch of fragments I finally put together, but the last scene is still in pieces and I need to try and put it into a framework still. But one thing at a time.
Although speaking of which, I never did a post for Trust Exercise! If you may remember, in the Edgar abuse meme I had Edgar blindfolded at one point, and eventually I decided to try and expand on that idea and try to see how it played out. It ended up being longer than I expected! And pretty twisted, but that's fairly standard for Vargas fic. It's also Nny/Edgar! I KNOW RIGHT, I CAN'T BELIEVE IT! Scriabin isn't even in it! Well, not directly. He's still present in his own way but for once he's not the actual main focus of it! You can imagine him holding onto the doorframe as he's escorted out of the story lol
Nny/Edgar has always been a difficult ship to make work, and the entire point of Vargas when I started it was to see if there was a way I COULD make it work. And after all this time, it's still so difficult! A lot of it comes from Nny himself obviously, haha. His huge aversion to touch and any kind of emotion or desire really makes bridging that gap of understanding between them very hard... it can be hard to really get into his headspace, and it's been a while since I've written from his perspective.
It really amuses me that this COULD have happened if Nny hadn't freaked out when Edgar got weird after no sleep and bailed for six chapters. SIX CHAPTERS! What's even funnier to me is that it was those six chapters where Edgar and Scriabin went from enemies to completely insane about each other. Like the minute Nny turned his back and left Edgar alone, Scriabin swooped in and tried to monopolize him entirely for himself. Call Scriabin Mr. Steal yo man
Even funnier because Nny didn't even see any of that happen (not that he was really aware of Scriabin's presence to begin with), he just left when Edgar and Scriabin hated each other and when they popped back into his life they'd become totally obsessed. This is what happens when you just f off for like a month, Nny! Well maybe it was a month, it was probably at least a few weeks. Time is always fuzzy in Vargas lol
To be fair, Nny's conclusion about what was going on wasn't entirely unreasonable, given what was happening. He bailed because he really thought his presence would just make things worse! That the closer he got to Edgar, the more easily he'd hurt him! Even though eventually he plans on killing him, haha. Emotional connection is dangerous! It ties in nicely with his increasing fervent desire to become purely logical and erase all emotion and desire from his life. Which AGAIN makes things so difficult with him... I mean, aside from all the Scriabin and Mmy nonsense when he and Edgar met up again after all that time.
Anyway, it was interesting to try and figure out the mental gymnastics required for Nny to do this because let me tell you it was HARD. I DO WANT THEM TO KISS BUT I NEED THINGS TO BE INTERNALLY CONSISTENT. This whole fic and universe has just been me trying to shove the same poles of two magnets together but I HAVEN'T GIVEN UP YET
So it was interesting to do a deeper dive into Nny's mindset and how he sees Edgar, it was actually pretty fun to finally present things from his perspective since in the fic, it's always from Edgar's. Nny's narration can sometimes be pretty disjointed or sudden, and he really loves his long, dramatic monologues. He's always been about those, haha. Even if he's not actually saying much through them... he and Scriabin have that in common (which they'd both hate). It was also really fun to just work in casual references to all the brutal murders Nny does. He really doesn't care about them at all! Violence is completely routine to him, killing people is just a fun hobby (well, when he doesn't angst about it on occasion). It doesn't even register to him as unusual most of the time.
It also amuses me that Johnny kind of got the idea for this experiment from Edgar, although Edgar never thought anything like this would happen to him.
There was a fun juxtaposition in this where Johnny talks constantly about Edgar, about why he's important to him and who he is, and what he deserves, and how he has to save him (so he can kill him), and all things that on the surface might seem very positive and even affectionate, signs that he actually does care about him sincerely. And yet, at the same time, all of it isn't really about who Edgar actually is, for all that Nny says different. Everything he says about Edgar always comes back around to him, it's always about Nny and what he thinks Edgar is feeling, what he thinks Edgar is, and who he wants Edgar to be. He's created his own version of Edgar in his head that doesn't really need any kind of basis in reality - he can just reinterpret whatever Edgar does the way he wants to, so it doesn't challenge any of the beliefs he has about him. Edgar is a symbol to him, a sort of concept rather than a person with his own inner life and emotions and thoughts. All of Edgar revolves around Nny in some way, and Nny isn't even aware that he's doing it. He's completely convinced that's what's going on. It's such a weird blend of total narcissism and some kind of actual affection, at least for who he thinks Edgar is. On some level he does want to help him and save him (although he doesn't really understand how to do that)... but it is for selfish reasons. To be fair, Edgar doesn't really tell Nny what's going on in him internally... although on the other hand, that's primarily because Edgar is afraid Nny will murder him if he does.
(This also makes Nny's breakdown later when he finds out about Scriabin and that Edgar's been hiding things from him all that more meaningful - Edgar breaking the illusion Nny had of him really shattered his entire worldview. He needed the fake Edgar he'd constructed, that promise of ultimate friendship! Everything just fell apart for him after that.)
It really amuses me that while Edgar's sleeping, Nny says that Edgar isn't afraid of him in the least. He has no idea. I also found out about the word decerebrate! Which I didn't know existed until I wrote this, haha.
One of the little things I like about Edgar's sleepy convo in the kitchen in the actual Vargas chapter is that it's one of the few times Nny is actually concerned about him, and I'm pretty sure it's the first time Scriabin is. A little chink in the armor!
It's also interesting to me that Nny has all the power in the relationship, yet he still feels like Edgar has control of certain things. He really doesn't realize how uneven the whole thing is.
All the casual mentions of him murdering Edgar were also fun, haha. Edgar's fear of him isn't unwarranted! Even if Nny isn't really thinking about it seriously all the time, it's just something that often crosses his mind. I imagine Nny just automatically thinks about how to kill someone whenever he's looking at them, even if he doesn't intend to at that moment.
Johnny's mention of being unable to relax is due to his house - this was briefly mentioned at points, but in the comic, Johnny has a ton of people imprisoned in his house, sometimes in torture machines, sometimes chained to walls or floors, sometimes just tied up to the walls. Just tons and tons of people who annoyed him in some way, and a LOT of them want to get out and kill him in retaliation, and often scream threats at him whenever he's around. So, generally I imagine it's something in the back of his mind, although he doesn't really seem that concerned about any of them escaping. In the comic, the monster thing from behind the wall basically kills all of them, or at least most of them, while it rampages through his house. There could still be a few left though, and if he's lived that way for a while, it's probably something that won't go away that quickly.
It's also very telling that he describes Edgar as a tv mystery. A toy or puzzle to solve eventually for his own gratification. He really doesn't understand what's wrong about seeing someone that way.
Another hilarious image to me was Nny smacking the Scriabin toy to the ground, not in part just as a sort of meta "f you" to how Scriabin kept stealing focus in the fic away from him, but it's so petty and I loved picturing Edgar and Scriabin having some big long-winded conversation in a dream and then out of nowhere Scriabin just gets bodychecked to the floor and is like WTF WHAT JUST HAPPENED
Edgar does react when Nny does it though, haha. He always feel so off when people move the toy around.
Johnny briefly mentions exploding heads in Heaven. If you didn't read the comics, when Nny went to the afterlife, he visited Heaven where everyone was chilling in the chairs, and the damned lady (Damned Elize, I think that was her name) leading him around said that in Heaven everyone has amazing mental powers and the capability to do anything they wanted, but sitting in the chairs had taken away all desire, so they didn't really want to do anything with all that power. Something like that. Nny, of course, wasn't in a chair, so the first thing he did was explode someone's head. It regenerated instantly without any pain (the guy just said "don't do that" mildly) but Nny was like :DDDD THIS IS GREAT and just started exploding people's heads left and right, who got increasingly peeved at him and then it turned into a big head exploding war. Eventually a nun finally got ticked enough to explode EVERYONE'S head, and Elize was like WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU DO YOU REALIZE HOW MUCH TROUBLE YOU'VE CAUSED I'M GOING TO GET IN SO MUCH TROUBLE at Nny and then they booted him down to Hell. Edgar missed all of that though, so he has no idea it happened, haha.
Love Nny saying he'll deliver Edgar from pain by murdering him and sending him to Heaven. So twisted.
Also love Edgar seeing the toy on the floor and being like :/// about it but not saying anything. You can just imagine what Scriabin is saying to him through all this! He would NOT be happy about Nny smacking him around.
Whenever Edgar's eyes unfocus or he's quiet for a little too long, he's talking to Scriabin. It's fun to describe that from the outside, since so many things are from Edgar's perspective, haha. Nny at this point totally suspects nothing about Scriabin's existence, so it was fun to have him spin his own justifications for why he does that. To be fair, awkward pauses between them aren't unusual!
Only a brief mention of Devi since otherwise it would have massively derailed things, much like brief mentions of Nny in the other Edgar/Scriabin fics. THESE OTHER RELATIONSHIPS MAKE THESE THINGS SO COMPLICATED
He's also talking to Scriabin when he looks at the toy obviously, haha. You can just imagine what he's saying to him, and it's always in response to something Nny says that just massively plays on Edgar's issues and he's just totally unaware of why that would be. "Because you get something out of this relationship" Nny says and Scriabin just BECAUSE YOU'RE GAY, DO YOU GET IT, NOW YOU HAVE TO ADMIT IT and Edgar just SHUT UP, SHUT UP
He really assumes Edgar is so much more emotionally and psychologically stable than he is. In a way it's sort of endearing how little he actually knows him.
"I can try, depending" "No, you're GOING to try" is very telling.
Scriabin like are you going to take your glasses off and let him blindfold you you idiot, you doormat, just let him slit your throat already, you're going to let him do it aren't you you're pathetic and Edgar like ://///
Also got to use simpatico, don't have a lot of opportunities for that normally.
Nny's able to realize that he wanted to run when he saw he was hurting Edgar, but not that killing Edgar at all is basically the same thing. He wants to kill him so he can never disappoint him or change! So he can never hurt him and so he can never mess things up! Which is exactly why he wants to run when he feels like he's messing things up. So close to understanding and yet so far.
Also amusing how quickly Nny jumped to kissing Edgar when he tried to think of things to do. Just a coincidence, surely. He and Devi DID almost kiss, so it's not something he's entirely opposed to. Or at least, he wasn't entirely opposed to at that time.
Love that Nny thinks that him murdering Edgar is what they both want. He's so sure of it. He's so sure Edgar is 100% on board for making this all work and sacrificing himself for Nny's sake. It is an interesting detail that Edgar looking sad makes Nny feel weak though. And that he can even identify when Edgar is feeling sad lol
Can you just IMAGINE the screaming in Edgar's head when Nny actually kisses him? Scriabin taunted him with it constantly but he NEVER actually thought it would happen for real. He was probably taunting him about how it'd never happen or how Edgar wanted it to happen so badly and it never would right before Nny kissed him and they both completely freaked out. Poor Edgar tries to get away from it and Nny doesn't even notice or care.
Nny's so sure Edgar understands him and he doesn't understand him at all. Nny wants so desperately to be understood and fixed, of course he'd project that ability onto Edgar. He projects all over him through the whole fic, haha.
Johnny not letting him look at the toy is another one of those little ways he ignores what Edgar wants and exerts power over him, not that he's really aware of it.
You can just imagine the argument he and Scriabin are having over what the kiss meant and what it means for their relationship, although Edgar just on his own would be so confused about why this happened and what Nny wanted. Those latent feelings Scriabin's constantly said he has! Do they actually exist? How could this happen! Was Scriabin right the whole time? What does it mean!
And then Nny just absolutely crushes him into dust, it's so awful and sad. D: Nny doesn't even know he's doing it! He just says one of the most hurtful things that Edgar could hear to him and he's totally oblivious, it doesn't even occur to him that it COULD hurt. It's just so outside his perception.
"The most awful thing you can imagine" is so painful. With all of Edgar's issues about himself and his sexuality and how he feels about him and what he wants and doesn't want, it just completely tears him apart. And Scriabin would definitely NOT be helping with that, particularly since this entire thing is EXACTLY what he was talking about to Edgar with in the actual chapter. Scriabin went on a whole long tirade about how Nny didn't see him as a person, didn't actually care about his feelings, viewed him as a toy, would never actually want to touch him or be capable of loving him, and then this happens!
When Edgar's wincing or making little pained sounds, it's primarily because Scriabin is also ripping him to shreds about the entire experience, and from the last chapter he's gotten to the point where he can cause him physical pain if he's focused enough. He's absolutely doing it now, not that Johnny can even tell. Add that on top of the general heartache of knowing Nny hates this so much and that he thinks doing this is disgusting, that Edgar is disgusting, Edgar's just really hurting from all sides at this point. :<
Nny thinks Edgar's at ease with it, but really Edgar's just given up and accepted that this is going to happen and there's nothing he can do. As much as it all hurts, he's still more into it than he could ever admit. He can pretend, at least, to himself, that Nny doesn't completely hate this. That Nny could be normal. And even pretending, or even wanting to pretend, is its own kind of agony that Scriabin is no doubt having an absolute field day with. Nny is obviously in denial of the fact he's into it too, haha. He jumps through so many mental hoops to justify why it gets easier and easier to kiss him. It's because you want to do it you idiot! You're enjoying it! But Nny can never admit that to himself, it's exactly the kind of thing he's trying to overcome. He can't want things, he just can't, even when he very obviously does want to do this.
Poor Edgar asking him again why he's doing it, hoping somewhere that it isn't because it's disgusting and awful, but Nny just basically shoots him down again without even thinking about it lol. And asking Edgar if he wants to stop! So much of what Nny does and says in this is like perfectly designed to torture Edgar in the worst way imaginable, haha. He is crying a bit under the blindfold but Nny doesn't notice. :<
Nny thumbing the scars was actually from a little doodle I did at one point in my sketchbook, originally it was Scriabin doing it just because it made Edgar uncomfortable, but then I thought it could also fit in well here. Of course Edgar has a reaction to Nny saying he belongs to him, although boy does he not want to. With all the fighting against his own desires, you can just imagine how hard he's struggling to process basically all of this.
Even more telling that Edgar actually does tell him to stop touching them for once and Nny's first thought is to be contrary and keep doing it. Like Edgar needs more things right now to make him unhappy!
"This is what you wanted, right?" is like a coup de grace, Nny has no idea how incredibly loaded that question is for him. Any answer Edgar has to that question is painful! Just ripping him into pieces bit by bit.
When they do start making out they're both into it, although Nny is still in total denial of it, haha. He even gets flushed and just decidedly ignores it! Edgar's into it and the level of self-hatred and disgust he'd have in himself, what Scriabin would be saying to him to make it worse...
Nny describing pushing things on Edgar without really asking as doing him favors, haha. I also like how he says that Edgar doesn't need any kind of care or consideration at all, that he's so strong that Nny doesn't need to be careful with him. Edgar isn't that strong, he's constantly getting hurt, what he wants is for Nny to actually be careful with him, to care about his feelings, but he feels like that'll never happen. :<
Haha Nny asking him if this is the right moment to kill him and Edgar like THINK FAST, THINK FAST, I CAN'T LET HIM KILL ME
lol Edgar and Scriabin really rapidly trying to come up with something together to get out of this alive. He has to be so careful about this! Even now after making out, he'd be terrified of saying the wrong thing. Nny even thinks about snapping his neck! He could actually do it right there, and there's no way Edgar isn't aware of that.
I do love that Nny thinks about snapping his neck right after a weirdly intimate thought about how he's wearing his clothes and wants to be him. He has these little glimpses of sincere, if twisted, affection for him at times. Nny still in denial when he can't stop thinking about kissing him and is like, I can do that again, if I have to. NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO, BUT IN CASE I HAVE TO. I COULD DO IT. I'M THINKING ABOUT DOING IT A LOT, BUT NOT FOR ANY PARTICULAR REASON.
Nny talking about pushing his own boundaries when he absolutely trampled all over Edgar's lol. To be fair, he does that a lot.
UGH BEEN TYPING ENOUGH
I also posted this at dreamwidth. Comment here or there, don't matter to me!
Although speaking of which, I never did a post for Trust Exercise! If you may remember, in the Edgar abuse meme I had Edgar blindfolded at one point, and eventually I decided to try and expand on that idea and try to see how it played out. It ended up being longer than I expected! And pretty twisted, but that's fairly standard for Vargas fic. It's also Nny/Edgar! I KNOW RIGHT, I CAN'T BELIEVE IT! Scriabin isn't even in it! Well, not directly. He's still present in his own way but for once he's not the actual main focus of it! You can imagine him holding onto the doorframe as he's escorted out of the story lol
Nny/Edgar has always been a difficult ship to make work, and the entire point of Vargas when I started it was to see if there was a way I COULD make it work. And after all this time, it's still so difficult! A lot of it comes from Nny himself obviously, haha. His huge aversion to touch and any kind of emotion or desire really makes bridging that gap of understanding between them very hard... it can be hard to really get into his headspace, and it's been a while since I've written from his perspective.
It really amuses me that this COULD have happened if Nny hadn't freaked out when Edgar got weird after no sleep and bailed for six chapters. SIX CHAPTERS! What's even funnier to me is that it was those six chapters where Edgar and Scriabin went from enemies to completely insane about each other. Like the minute Nny turned his back and left Edgar alone, Scriabin swooped in and tried to monopolize him entirely for himself. Call Scriabin Mr. Steal yo man
Even funnier because Nny didn't even see any of that happen (not that he was really aware of Scriabin's presence to begin with), he just left when Edgar and Scriabin hated each other and when they popped back into his life they'd become totally obsessed. This is what happens when you just f off for like a month, Nny! Well maybe it was a month, it was probably at least a few weeks. Time is always fuzzy in Vargas lol
To be fair, Nny's conclusion about what was going on wasn't entirely unreasonable, given what was happening. He bailed because he really thought his presence would just make things worse! That the closer he got to Edgar, the more easily he'd hurt him! Even though eventually he plans on killing him, haha. Emotional connection is dangerous! It ties in nicely with his increasing fervent desire to become purely logical and erase all emotion and desire from his life. Which AGAIN makes things so difficult with him... I mean, aside from all the Scriabin and Mmy nonsense when he and Edgar met up again after all that time.
Anyway, it was interesting to try and figure out the mental gymnastics required for Nny to do this because let me tell you it was HARD. I DO WANT THEM TO KISS BUT I NEED THINGS TO BE INTERNALLY CONSISTENT. This whole fic and universe has just been me trying to shove the same poles of two magnets together but I HAVEN'T GIVEN UP YET
So it was interesting to do a deeper dive into Nny's mindset and how he sees Edgar, it was actually pretty fun to finally present things from his perspective since in the fic, it's always from Edgar's. Nny's narration can sometimes be pretty disjointed or sudden, and he really loves his long, dramatic monologues. He's always been about those, haha. Even if he's not actually saying much through them... he and Scriabin have that in common (which they'd both hate). It was also really fun to just work in casual references to all the brutal murders Nny does. He really doesn't care about them at all! Violence is completely routine to him, killing people is just a fun hobby (well, when he doesn't angst about it on occasion). It doesn't even register to him as unusual most of the time.
It also amuses me that Johnny kind of got the idea for this experiment from Edgar, although Edgar never thought anything like this would happen to him.
There was a fun juxtaposition in this where Johnny talks constantly about Edgar, about why he's important to him and who he is, and what he deserves, and how he has to save him (so he can kill him), and all things that on the surface might seem very positive and even affectionate, signs that he actually does care about him sincerely. And yet, at the same time, all of it isn't really about who Edgar actually is, for all that Nny says different. Everything he says about Edgar always comes back around to him, it's always about Nny and what he thinks Edgar is feeling, what he thinks Edgar is, and who he wants Edgar to be. He's created his own version of Edgar in his head that doesn't really need any kind of basis in reality - he can just reinterpret whatever Edgar does the way he wants to, so it doesn't challenge any of the beliefs he has about him. Edgar is a symbol to him, a sort of concept rather than a person with his own inner life and emotions and thoughts. All of Edgar revolves around Nny in some way, and Nny isn't even aware that he's doing it. He's completely convinced that's what's going on. It's such a weird blend of total narcissism and some kind of actual affection, at least for who he thinks Edgar is. On some level he does want to help him and save him (although he doesn't really understand how to do that)... but it is for selfish reasons. To be fair, Edgar doesn't really tell Nny what's going on in him internally... although on the other hand, that's primarily because Edgar is afraid Nny will murder him if he does.
(This also makes Nny's breakdown later when he finds out about Scriabin and that Edgar's been hiding things from him all that more meaningful - Edgar breaking the illusion Nny had of him really shattered his entire worldview. He needed the fake Edgar he'd constructed, that promise of ultimate friendship! Everything just fell apart for him after that.)
It really amuses me that while Edgar's sleeping, Nny says that Edgar isn't afraid of him in the least. He has no idea. I also found out about the word decerebrate! Which I didn't know existed until I wrote this, haha.
One of the little things I like about Edgar's sleepy convo in the kitchen in the actual Vargas chapter is that it's one of the few times Nny is actually concerned about him, and I'm pretty sure it's the first time Scriabin is. A little chink in the armor!
It's also interesting to me that Nny has all the power in the relationship, yet he still feels like Edgar has control of certain things. He really doesn't realize how uneven the whole thing is.
All the casual mentions of him murdering Edgar were also fun, haha. Edgar's fear of him isn't unwarranted! Even if Nny isn't really thinking about it seriously all the time, it's just something that often crosses his mind. I imagine Nny just automatically thinks about how to kill someone whenever he's looking at them, even if he doesn't intend to at that moment.
Johnny's mention of being unable to relax is due to his house - this was briefly mentioned at points, but in the comic, Johnny has a ton of people imprisoned in his house, sometimes in torture machines, sometimes chained to walls or floors, sometimes just tied up to the walls. Just tons and tons of people who annoyed him in some way, and a LOT of them want to get out and kill him in retaliation, and often scream threats at him whenever he's around. So, generally I imagine it's something in the back of his mind, although he doesn't really seem that concerned about any of them escaping. In the comic, the monster thing from behind the wall basically kills all of them, or at least most of them, while it rampages through his house. There could still be a few left though, and if he's lived that way for a while, it's probably something that won't go away that quickly.
It's also very telling that he describes Edgar as a tv mystery. A toy or puzzle to solve eventually for his own gratification. He really doesn't understand what's wrong about seeing someone that way.
Another hilarious image to me was Nny smacking the Scriabin toy to the ground, not in part just as a sort of meta "f you" to how Scriabin kept stealing focus in the fic away from him, but it's so petty and I loved picturing Edgar and Scriabin having some big long-winded conversation in a dream and then out of nowhere Scriabin just gets bodychecked to the floor and is like WTF WHAT JUST HAPPENED
Edgar does react when Nny does it though, haha. He always feel so off when people move the toy around.
Johnny briefly mentions exploding heads in Heaven. If you didn't read the comics, when Nny went to the afterlife, he visited Heaven where everyone was chilling in the chairs, and the damned lady (Damned Elize, I think that was her name) leading him around said that in Heaven everyone has amazing mental powers and the capability to do anything they wanted, but sitting in the chairs had taken away all desire, so they didn't really want to do anything with all that power. Something like that. Nny, of course, wasn't in a chair, so the first thing he did was explode someone's head. It regenerated instantly without any pain (the guy just said "don't do that" mildly) but Nny was like :DDDD THIS IS GREAT and just started exploding people's heads left and right, who got increasingly peeved at him and then it turned into a big head exploding war. Eventually a nun finally got ticked enough to explode EVERYONE'S head, and Elize was like WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU DO YOU REALIZE HOW MUCH TROUBLE YOU'VE CAUSED I'M GOING TO GET IN SO MUCH TROUBLE at Nny and then they booted him down to Hell. Edgar missed all of that though, so he has no idea it happened, haha.
Love Nny saying he'll deliver Edgar from pain by murdering him and sending him to Heaven. So twisted.
Also love Edgar seeing the toy on the floor and being like :/// about it but not saying anything. You can just imagine what Scriabin is saying to him through all this! He would NOT be happy about Nny smacking him around.
Whenever Edgar's eyes unfocus or he's quiet for a little too long, he's talking to Scriabin. It's fun to describe that from the outside, since so many things are from Edgar's perspective, haha. Nny at this point totally suspects nothing about Scriabin's existence, so it was fun to have him spin his own justifications for why he does that. To be fair, awkward pauses between them aren't unusual!
Only a brief mention of Devi since otherwise it would have massively derailed things, much like brief mentions of Nny in the other Edgar/Scriabin fics. THESE OTHER RELATIONSHIPS MAKE THESE THINGS SO COMPLICATED
He's also talking to Scriabin when he looks at the toy obviously, haha. You can just imagine what he's saying to him, and it's always in response to something Nny says that just massively plays on Edgar's issues and he's just totally unaware of why that would be. "Because you get something out of this relationship" Nny says and Scriabin just BECAUSE YOU'RE GAY, DO YOU GET IT, NOW YOU HAVE TO ADMIT IT and Edgar just SHUT UP, SHUT UP
He really assumes Edgar is so much more emotionally and psychologically stable than he is. In a way it's sort of endearing how little he actually knows him.
"I can try, depending" "No, you're GOING to try" is very telling.
Scriabin like are you going to take your glasses off and let him blindfold you you idiot, you doormat, just let him slit your throat already, you're going to let him do it aren't you you're pathetic and Edgar like ://///
Also got to use simpatico, don't have a lot of opportunities for that normally.
Nny's able to realize that he wanted to run when he saw he was hurting Edgar, but not that killing Edgar at all is basically the same thing. He wants to kill him so he can never disappoint him or change! So he can never hurt him and so he can never mess things up! Which is exactly why he wants to run when he feels like he's messing things up. So close to understanding and yet so far.
Also amusing how quickly Nny jumped to kissing Edgar when he tried to think of things to do. Just a coincidence, surely. He and Devi DID almost kiss, so it's not something he's entirely opposed to. Or at least, he wasn't entirely opposed to at that time.
Love that Nny thinks that him murdering Edgar is what they both want. He's so sure of it. He's so sure Edgar is 100% on board for making this all work and sacrificing himself for Nny's sake. It is an interesting detail that Edgar looking sad makes Nny feel weak though. And that he can even identify when Edgar is feeling sad lol
Can you just IMAGINE the screaming in Edgar's head when Nny actually kisses him? Scriabin taunted him with it constantly but he NEVER actually thought it would happen for real. He was probably taunting him about how it'd never happen or how Edgar wanted it to happen so badly and it never would right before Nny kissed him and they both completely freaked out. Poor Edgar tries to get away from it and Nny doesn't even notice or care.
Nny's so sure Edgar understands him and he doesn't understand him at all. Nny wants so desperately to be understood and fixed, of course he'd project that ability onto Edgar. He projects all over him through the whole fic, haha.
Johnny not letting him look at the toy is another one of those little ways he ignores what Edgar wants and exerts power over him, not that he's really aware of it.
You can just imagine the argument he and Scriabin are having over what the kiss meant and what it means for their relationship, although Edgar just on his own would be so confused about why this happened and what Nny wanted. Those latent feelings Scriabin's constantly said he has! Do they actually exist? How could this happen! Was Scriabin right the whole time? What does it mean!
And then Nny just absolutely crushes him into dust, it's so awful and sad. D: Nny doesn't even know he's doing it! He just says one of the most hurtful things that Edgar could hear to him and he's totally oblivious, it doesn't even occur to him that it COULD hurt. It's just so outside his perception.
"The most awful thing you can imagine" is so painful. With all of Edgar's issues about himself and his sexuality and how he feels about him and what he wants and doesn't want, it just completely tears him apart. And Scriabin would definitely NOT be helping with that, particularly since this entire thing is EXACTLY what he was talking about to Edgar with in the actual chapter. Scriabin went on a whole long tirade about how Nny didn't see him as a person, didn't actually care about his feelings, viewed him as a toy, would never actually want to touch him or be capable of loving him, and then this happens!
When Edgar's wincing or making little pained sounds, it's primarily because Scriabin is also ripping him to shreds about the entire experience, and from the last chapter he's gotten to the point where he can cause him physical pain if he's focused enough. He's absolutely doing it now, not that Johnny can even tell. Add that on top of the general heartache of knowing Nny hates this so much and that he thinks doing this is disgusting, that Edgar is disgusting, Edgar's just really hurting from all sides at this point. :<
Nny thinks Edgar's at ease with it, but really Edgar's just given up and accepted that this is going to happen and there's nothing he can do. As much as it all hurts, he's still more into it than he could ever admit. He can pretend, at least, to himself, that Nny doesn't completely hate this. That Nny could be normal. And even pretending, or even wanting to pretend, is its own kind of agony that Scriabin is no doubt having an absolute field day with. Nny is obviously in denial of the fact he's into it too, haha. He jumps through so many mental hoops to justify why it gets easier and easier to kiss him. It's because you want to do it you idiot! You're enjoying it! But Nny can never admit that to himself, it's exactly the kind of thing he's trying to overcome. He can't want things, he just can't, even when he very obviously does want to do this.
Poor Edgar asking him again why he's doing it, hoping somewhere that it isn't because it's disgusting and awful, but Nny just basically shoots him down again without even thinking about it lol. And asking Edgar if he wants to stop! So much of what Nny does and says in this is like perfectly designed to torture Edgar in the worst way imaginable, haha. He is crying a bit under the blindfold but Nny doesn't notice. :<
Nny thumbing the scars was actually from a little doodle I did at one point in my sketchbook, originally it was Scriabin doing it just because it made Edgar uncomfortable, but then I thought it could also fit in well here. Of course Edgar has a reaction to Nny saying he belongs to him, although boy does he not want to. With all the fighting against his own desires, you can just imagine how hard he's struggling to process basically all of this.
Even more telling that Edgar actually does tell him to stop touching them for once and Nny's first thought is to be contrary and keep doing it. Like Edgar needs more things right now to make him unhappy!
"This is what you wanted, right?" is like a coup de grace, Nny has no idea how incredibly loaded that question is for him. Any answer Edgar has to that question is painful! Just ripping him into pieces bit by bit.
When they do start making out they're both into it, although Nny is still in total denial of it, haha. He even gets flushed and just decidedly ignores it! Edgar's into it and the level of self-hatred and disgust he'd have in himself, what Scriabin would be saying to him to make it worse...
Nny describing pushing things on Edgar without really asking as doing him favors, haha. I also like how he says that Edgar doesn't need any kind of care or consideration at all, that he's so strong that Nny doesn't need to be careful with him. Edgar isn't that strong, he's constantly getting hurt, what he wants is for Nny to actually be careful with him, to care about his feelings, but he feels like that'll never happen. :<
Haha Nny asking him if this is the right moment to kill him and Edgar like THINK FAST, THINK FAST, I CAN'T LET HIM KILL ME
lol Edgar and Scriabin really rapidly trying to come up with something together to get out of this alive. He has to be so careful about this! Even now after making out, he'd be terrified of saying the wrong thing. Nny even thinks about snapping his neck! He could actually do it right there, and there's no way Edgar isn't aware of that.
I do love that Nny thinks about snapping his neck right after a weirdly intimate thought about how he's wearing his clothes and wants to be him. He has these little glimpses of sincere, if twisted, affection for him at times. Nny still in denial when he can't stop thinking about kissing him and is like, I can do that again, if I have to. NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO, BUT IN CASE I HAVE TO. I COULD DO IT. I'M THINKING ABOUT DOING IT A LOT, BUT NOT FOR ANY PARTICULAR REASON.
Nny talking about pushing his own boundaries when he absolutely trampled all over Edgar's lol. To be fair, he does that a lot.
UGH BEEN TYPING ENOUGH
I also posted this at dreamwidth. Comment here or there, don't matter to me!