~Let the cold come in
So I did hear some news about my hat. Someone on dev said they'd seen it, that they'd found it at the Burbank airport and turned it in to lost and found... I thought they meant a few days ago, but they meant back last December, around when I lost it. And the airport lost and found doesn't hold items for a year... only for a few months. And they didn't seem to have any logs of items that had been turned in, so I could make sure that it had gone through there. I asked where items go after the lost and found gets rid of them, and one person I asked didn't know, and I'm waiting to hear from the other. It could have just gone in the garbage... but it could have been donated or sold, or something like that. It's unlikely, but not impossible.
So... my question now I guess, is has anyone seen it anywhere? It could really be anywhere at this point... it's a very distinctive hat, so it'd be hard to miss. There are a bunch of pictures of it here, it has a lot of pins on it and the inside is signed to me, and it had a Samus hairclip on the brim... it's bright green, you can't miss it. Maybe someone took it home by accident, maybe someone's seen it... I don't know. I got my hopes up yesterday when I thought they'd seen it recently, then got crushed when it wasn't there and ended up sobbing for a while in the car, and for most of the way home. And today, I went back to ask again about how long items are kept and if I could see the log, and hearing that it was gone ended up getting me sobbing again on the way home, and then for a while after that. I've spent a lot of the last day or two crying, really. It's draining. There are moments of this intense sadness and pain, and then I just feel hollow and numb for a while, and the cycle repeats.
I want to say I've lost hope of seeing it again, but I still made this post and updated the ones on various other sites, so on some level I can't quite let go of it. It could be out there. Maybe someone like ten years from now will find it. But my scope and reach is small, and the world is big, and the odds of it happening seem almost impossible. Hoping got my heart broken like twice, and yet still, here I am. I can't really remember the last time I've cried this hard for this long of a period, recently. I don't know if it's a healthy expression of emotion or not. It's so much worse to think that it was at the airport the entire time. I called them! I called the lost and found! I even have the exact date, it was December 5th. I called them and they hadn't seen it, and if that person found my hat after the 5th and turned it in... it could have been there the whole time, it could have BEEN there! If I'd called them one more time, I could have it! I could have gotten it back! If I'd just called them again, if I'd put more effort into it, if I'd had more follow-through... I keep torturing myself with ifs and self-hatred about this happening, and loathing that this happened, and blaming myself for it and all my failures that led to this happening, and me losing one of the most priceless things I owned. I know logically no one wants to lose anything, that I did try to get it back, but it's not enough for my brain to be quiet right now, it just keeps screaming and clawing at me that this is my fault and I was so close and I just failed at it again. I don't know when it'll pass. Right now with the hollow numbness it's not making me feel anything, although I'm not feeling anything in general.
I guess, on a more positive note, Octal managed to track down the person who made my hat originally... or if not them, someone who makes Luigi hats that look almost exactly the same. They have an Etsy store, and they were willing to make me a new one, so I ordered one from them. So, I'll have A hat, at least... even if it's not my old one. And some of my friends have offered to send me some new pins to decorate the new hat with, and make new memories with, that kind of thing. Which is probably the healthy way to deal with this loss, but right now it just hurts and hurts. Over the next few days it'll fade, hopefully, and when I get the new hat that might help. I don't know. The last few days have been very emotional, as you can guess. I just feel like a mess and my head hurts.
I also posted this at dreamwidth. Comment here or there, don't matter to me!
So... my question now I guess, is has anyone seen it anywhere? It could really be anywhere at this point... it's a very distinctive hat, so it'd be hard to miss. There are a bunch of pictures of it here, it has a lot of pins on it and the inside is signed to me, and it had a Samus hairclip on the brim... it's bright green, you can't miss it. Maybe someone took it home by accident, maybe someone's seen it... I don't know. I got my hopes up yesterday when I thought they'd seen it recently, then got crushed when it wasn't there and ended up sobbing for a while in the car, and for most of the way home. And today, I went back to ask again about how long items are kept and if I could see the log, and hearing that it was gone ended up getting me sobbing again on the way home, and then for a while after that. I've spent a lot of the last day or two crying, really. It's draining. There are moments of this intense sadness and pain, and then I just feel hollow and numb for a while, and the cycle repeats.
I want to say I've lost hope of seeing it again, but I still made this post and updated the ones on various other sites, so on some level I can't quite let go of it. It could be out there. Maybe someone like ten years from now will find it. But my scope and reach is small, and the world is big, and the odds of it happening seem almost impossible. Hoping got my heart broken like twice, and yet still, here I am. I can't really remember the last time I've cried this hard for this long of a period, recently. I don't know if it's a healthy expression of emotion or not. It's so much worse to think that it was at the airport the entire time. I called them! I called the lost and found! I even have the exact date, it was December 5th. I called them and they hadn't seen it, and if that person found my hat after the 5th and turned it in... it could have been there the whole time, it could have BEEN there! If I'd called them one more time, I could have it! I could have gotten it back! If I'd just called them again, if I'd put more effort into it, if I'd had more follow-through... I keep torturing myself with ifs and self-hatred about this happening, and loathing that this happened, and blaming myself for it and all my failures that led to this happening, and me losing one of the most priceless things I owned. I know logically no one wants to lose anything, that I did try to get it back, but it's not enough for my brain to be quiet right now, it just keeps screaming and clawing at me that this is my fault and I was so close and I just failed at it again. I don't know when it'll pass. Right now with the hollow numbness it's not making me feel anything, although I'm not feeling anything in general.
I guess, on a more positive note, Octal managed to track down the person who made my hat originally... or if not them, someone who makes Luigi hats that look almost exactly the same. They have an Etsy store, and they were willing to make me a new one, so I ordered one from them. So, I'll have A hat, at least... even if it's not my old one. And some of my friends have offered to send me some new pins to decorate the new hat with, and make new memories with, that kind of thing. Which is probably the healthy way to deal with this loss, but right now it just hurts and hurts. Over the next few days it'll fade, hopefully, and when I get the new hat that might help. I don't know. The last few days have been very emotional, as you can guess. I just feel like a mess and my head hurts.
I also posted this at dreamwidth. Comment here or there, don't matter to me!