~"Not that I'm a size queen, but I love your sex penis."

[zarla]

DARN IT i did UMO as usual and then the cd burner screwed up at the last minute and it didn't record my copy. >:( BAH.

In the meantime, jazaaboo reminded me of these and I know I told firefly99 that I'd post more ages ago but I am an unreliable person when you get right down to it. BUT HEY I GOT NOTHIN ELSE SO WHY NOT

BADFIC QUOTES GO

and since i'm lazy i'll just use the intro from the last post - If you're new to the party I take great pleasure in collecting out of context quotes from fic that make me laugh. Some of them are from fic I like, some of them are just mindboggling, and some of them will make you question the existence of loving God. BUT I COLLECT THEM ALL whenever I come across one in my travels along the internet I save it in a text file. IT'S SORT OF BECOME A HOBBY.

gathered from various sources i don't recall now. As always, comments in italics are from someone else.
Comments in italics with a ~ in front are from me.
And as always
THESE ARE NOT SAFE FOR WORK
I CAN'T EMPHASIZE THIS ENOUGH
IF RAPE AND UNDERAGE AND INCEST BOTHER YOU THEN PLEASE DON'T READ THESE

there might be repeats but get over it, i just shove these in a file whenever i come across one. I DON'T KEEP STRICT TABS ON WHAT I'VE SEEN BEFORE OR NOT
THERE'S JUST SO MUCH OF IT OUT THERE


Derek had just gotten home from a very long case. He was tired as hell and needed his baby gril.

“Says the person who can’t be arsed to get himself naked yet,” Harry said, and then lounged back on the bed to watch. He wondered for a moment if Draco’s undressing this time would be different because of what was going to happen.
And then he knew it would be, because Draco’s eyes opened wider than they had before and he lifted himself off the bed in one fluid motion.
Harry had been aware that Draco was graceful, in the way that he was aware Draco was blond. It was one of those facts about him that mattered at certain moments and had less than zero relevance at others. After all, Draco’s grace hadn’t won him victories on the Quidditch Pitch or given Harry the trust to let Draco make love to him completely before this.
But now, as he began to undress with a series of sinuous movements that simply would not stop flowing into one another, which had no end
I'm picturing him grinning in what he thinks is a ~sexy~ way and spinning like a propeller as articles of clothes fly off.

Her grip is almost too tight. The ridge of calluses snag his tender flesh. She's sloppy wet and he's positive the slickwetsquish can be heard all the way at the other end of the tunnel.

Mike stared in disbelief as his hands fell off. From them rose millions of tiny maggots. Maggots. Maggots.
Maggots. Maggots. Maggots. Maggots. All over the floor of the post office.
I'm a little confused, were there maggots?

The moonlight shone down on the place underhindered. The gnarled parapet jagged upwards like a bony hand of icy indifference. In the background there was a pigeon. Who knew how long the place had stood there? Forty years? Fifty years? Tempus imemoria, i.e always? But it was a bad place. That much was certain. A very bad place indeed.

Further, and then the darkness shredded away from him, melting like black snow in the wake of an ultramarine sun. Draco drew a deep breath of satisfaction when he realized he was once more among the blue-green arches of Harry’s soul, but didn’t take his eyes off the piece of his soul in front of him, and didn’t stop swimming.

Minerva McGonagall's Evening of Allurement
AN EROTIC VIDEO, A STUNNED HARRY, AND A SHY BUT WILLING HERMIONE........Only suitable for 18 yrs or older...........Mostly sexual content............. M/F/F

Just before he could scream Sam sat down full force on his face, sinking his cheeks all the way down to his ears. He watched in silent horror as the tight muscle shirt on the blond rippled and bulged and swelled at his stomach. After a moment or two he stopped fighting and went limp. Sam stood up slowly and pulled his pants up. The blond lay there coughing quietly, a coating of clear slimy liquid coating his face and hair.

Drake props himself up on his elbow. “So what words said ‘I love you’ to you? ‘I plan to ravish you’? That’s not overly romantic.”
“Well, no, since to ravish technically means to rape someone,” Josh agrees thoughtfully. “It wasn’t specific words. It was your intent.”
“I don’t intend to rape you!”

Steve was a thickly built blond with impressive abs and deeply protruding, intimidating pecs. A sexual beast of mammoth proportions, with a cock like a grandfather python and two heavy balls that swung with the momentum of five-pin bowling balls. In fact, Steve was so proud of his gigantic testes that he typically wrapped them in a wide silver bow to attract the eye. They were the largest possessed of any of the Avengers and thus were the envy of the entire team. It was a fact he knew and was extremely proud of.

"Silence," he said. In my agony I closed my mouth as the beginnings of the fever began to enshroud my body. "Haven't you just nursed off Thor and Hank?" He began to absently stoke his heavy chunk of cock as he spoke as I looked on in amazement. It was not the longest I had seen but it must have been three inches thick with a head like a softball. It grew out to a foot long if it was an inch and was as hard as his shield before long.

“Sir- said Norma- Am I pink because I’m a girl?”
“Yes, but we chose you because of your TALENTS. We had always intended for the medic of this operation to wear a bright, yet warm color. Because our medic is a girl, we went for pink.”
Ken said “Why am I yellow?”
“Why not?”
Henry then said “Yellow is the color of the china men, Asians. By making him wear yellow, you undermine his capabilities, his strengths. By making him wear yellow you UNDERLINE the fact that his skin is yellow. That you made an Asian wear yellow is sickening!”
Kennedy turned to Ken and said “Do you, by any chance, feel wronged being given the color yellow? Do you want to wear a different color?”
“No sir, none of what he said came across my mind. I simply wished to know why I had been given this particular color. I don’t want to change, I’m fine being yellow.”
This made Henry feel rather humiliated.

One day, she's just there. Sam looks up at the ridge and this girl is coming over it. He hasn't seen a woman in two years.
"Jesus fuck," Dean says, from ten feet away.
The girl stares at them.
Dean has her on her back inside five minutes. It isn't exactly rape. But it would be rape if she tried to fight.
"There's a bed inside," Dean says. The girl looks at the two of them: thinner, after two years of scrounging for food, hunting, learning to farm, but still big. She lowers her eyes. Nods.
~Again, SPN fandom, you are the creepiest of creepstars.

Be careful-- wait--"
Dean is ripping at her shirt. Sam thinks he should maybe, what, wait outside? Until Dean's done with her? (Because Sam isn't kidding himself that he won't go next. He'll go next. He can barely stand to wait until Dean's done. He's so hard his balls are drawn up against his body.) But he doesn't. He just stands there, near the stove, looking at his brother shove this girl down on his bed and rip at her clothes.
"It's my only shirt," the girl says. "Just wait-! Wait a second, I'll take it off."
She sounds resigned. Like it's the shirt that's bothering her, not the fact that a man she doesn't know has shoved her shirt up, buried his face in her tits and is biting at her nipples, grunting, burrowing like he can get into her that way.
Sam watches as Dean fucks her. Dean isn't mean, but it's about him. Not about her. The girl closes her eyes, tight. Brows drawn in like it hurts a little. It probably does, Sam thinks. Dean isn't holding back. The girl raises her hands over her head, tries to steady herself against the rough wall of the cabin. Her head gets knocked against the boards at the end a little bit, when Dean is grunting and just pounding away at her.
Sam counts: Dean lasts for 67 seconds, like a teenager. He rolls off, breathing heavy, and Sam is already walking toward the bed when Dean says: "Your turn."
Sam reaches for the girl's tits. They're full. Soft. He'd almost forgotten that breasts feel this good in your hands. He covers over her. Smells at her: her neck, under her arms. She smells good, too. Like a woman. She needs a bath, but Sam doesn't mind.
He wants to say something to her about how he'll be careful, because he's-- he's big. Sometimes he was too big, for girls. He doesn't want to hurt her. But then he has his pants open and his cock pressed against her, where she's wet with-- with his brother's come, he remembers. And maybe he should care about that. But she's slick and warm and she smells good and he hasn't had a woman in two and a half years.
~There's just... so much D: here, it's hard to know where to begin.

His cock is risen.
~*~*~ANGELS SING~*~*~

"It's all right," John says. "Hush now. Come on, let's get some dick in you."

The boy's green eyes scanned the dance floor, where slender limbsclad in scraps of silk and black leather appeared and disappeared inside the revolving columns of smoke as themundies danced

“Tony, have you ever heard about auto-erotic asphyxiation?” Steve whispered.
Tony's eyes widened, and he whimpered in fear, as Steve ran a finger along the edge of the arc reactor very suggestively.
“If your partner does everything just right, it can be very, very enjoyable, but if your partner does something wrong, you could actually die. I guess that means you really have to trust the person you do it with.” Steve said, sitting up.
Teambuilding Exercises: You're doing them wrong.

Iron Man was everything a good soldier wasn't. He was brilliant, yes, and brave, definitely, but for every positive trait he had, he had two negative ones. For starters, he was arrogant, overconfident, obnoxious, callous, and rude, and he was almost incapable of following orders. Iron Man didn't trust his teammates, and he probably didn't respect half of them, either; he would, however, protect them, but most people assumed he did that just for the bragging rights and the press coverage. If Steve could replace anyone, he would replace Iron Man. But, seeing as he couldn't replace Iron Man-it was hard to replace the man that funded over eighty percent of your operation-he decided he would just have to fix him.
Rape: the cause of - and solution to - all of life's problems.

I was attempting to retrieve T'Pop," Spock rasped slowly, his voice rough with pain, his usual crisp enunciation struggling with lips that had nearly been burned off.
McCoy turned away from the spicy scent of Spock's breath. Old Spice. When they'd first met, McCoy had thought Spock gargled with the stuff. He'd learned differently on an away mission. That was just the way Vulcan breath smelled. Strange body chemistry. He remembered gagging at the smell of burning tires when Spock had been in plak tow.
"What's T'Pop?" the doctor asked as he played the beam of the dermal regenerator over Spock's face. The Vulcan's eyes were nearly swollen shut and his nose was hideously misshapen, but first things first.
"My pet tribble," Spock explained.
"Wait a minute! You shoved your pet tribble up Jim's ass?"
"She required no coercion. She was bred and trained for such activity."

Nazi » reviews
AU Edward is forced to join the the Nazi army. during this time he meets Bella who just happens to be jewish can Edward protect her from the world? everyones human,this story is dedicated to mr.Leon the man that lived through the holocuast

Was it unpatriotic to want the war to end so he could have sex? He couldn't find it in himself to care.

She used two fingers, and forced them under the weight of my body so that all the newtons in me forced me down onto her hand. It was sensational.

Morgan chuckled, then reached out and snagged one of Reid's wrists, pulling him into the bed and on top of Morgan in a sprawl. "You and your penis are both welcome, Spencer," he said.
It was the sexiest thing Reid had ever heard.

Harry stared at him in dismay. Then he gestured to his erection, which was already smearing the front of his pale robes with wetness. “This why,” he said. He wished he sounded smarter, but that wasn’t going to happen at the moment.
Draco winked at him. “The Courtship is about desire,” he said. “And if you think desire is only delicious when fulfilled-“ He laughed, the sound rich as ice cream and causing Harry to thrust his hips forwards involuntarily. “You have much to learn about it.

She was like drapes. The tall, silky kind that seemed so proud to stand in the window. The kind that when they're pulled back, and the sun hits them just right, the light dances up and down their lustrous length. Pirouetting and leaping grace, gleaming and reflecting the most passionate strands that just wait to be illuminated, to be brought to life. But most people have their drapes closed, their true function. Ignorant and shut tight, they're really meant to block out the sole thing that makes them so beautiful.

Harry knew he forgave Tom quickly for what had happened, but he knew that Tom was the Dark Lord and the man had no previous relationship before. He wasn’t perfect.

He was interrupted when he caught whiff of his mate coming back outside. The smell wasn’t permanent, Harry reeked of pureness, to put it simpler… a virgin. After he lost that, his true sent would come through and hopefully that was to be soon.
Standing up, he watched in amusement when Harry came running toward him with tears of joy sliding down his cheeks.
“Tom!” Within moments, the Dark Lord’s arms were full of Harry.

She also had a full vagina. Shauna needed a wide crotch for her vagina. Her type vagina needed room to spread out and breathe. This was no little girl pussy, no slit in the crotch, this was a cunt, a man-eating cunt. Her husband, a big man, could insert his hand, make a fist, then carry her around like a lunch pail. He liked doing that.
You've never seen a vagina, have you.

"I think you could rape a woman almost twice my size as long as she weren't a masculine type of woman."

She also came to realize that Rodney wasn't just after a cum-in-the-pussy fuck. He wanted to knock her up. Her higher self was appalled. Her lower self said, "SHUT THE FUCK UP, YOU DUMB CUNT! THAT BOY AIN'T DONE FUCKIN' YOU. HE'LL LET YOU KNOW WHEN HE'S DONE. UNTIL HE IS, YOU HOLD THAT GOD DAMN CUNT STILL. YOU'RE RIGHT. HE IS A SON OF A BITCH. NOW KEEP YOUR BITCH MOUTH SHUT."
~I'd say "hate your vagina more" but I don't think that's possible.

Shauna loved double fucking - two fucks in a row with no pull-out - and the best part of double fucking was the second part, the sloppy seconds part. Shauna always pictured the second fuck as pissing all those first sperms off, making them madder than hell, like a stirred-up hornet's nest. All that pounding and buffeting would drive them into a frenzy. Mobs of angry sperm would go in search of a defenseless egg, kicking in doors, dragging out old lady eggs, stomping on puppy eggs - THERE SHE IS! GET ER BOYS!

Some say therianthropes date back to the very beginning, the Garden of Eden, where man and werebeast lived in harmony. But the Bible doesn’t tell the whole story. Certain religious leaders over the years have edited it as they see fit. Entire books were taken out. Like the Book of Bob.”
Weston looked around to see if anyone was smiling. All faces were serious.
“The Book of Bob?”
“The Book of Bob is a lost chapter of the Old Testament, dating back to the Hellenistic period. It tells the story of God’s prophet, Bob, son of Jakeh, who is the first werewolf mentioned in the Bible.”

Together, they looked at the cunt clenched around his wrist. He now wore his mother like a boxing glove, a mommy mitten. He thought that was really neat.

"Unbelievable!" Tony snapped, suddenly glaring at his laptop screen.
Steve looked up from his book about General Lee, and over at the man next to him in bed. "What's wrong?"
Tony was still glaring at his laptop. "Stupid, small mind morons," he muttered, before looking up at Steve. "They suspended scans_daily!"
Putting down his book, Steve raised an eyebrow. "You're upset because they suspended scans_daily?"
"I was just in the middle of reading an old issue of Superboy. Now where am I going to find out Mon-El's back story?" Tony almost whined.
lol like tony stark doesn't own ten comic book stores and has enough hd space to torrent every comic ever written

Unlike many, Rodney could piss with a hardon. Unlike many, Rodney fantasized of pissing in a little girl's mouth while she sucked his cock with a knife held to her throat. He had an English teacher he wanted to use as a urinal. He also dreamed of being a walking enema bag with a knife. Bend over and pull your cheeks apart, BITCH! Most females gave Rodney a wide berth and would not turn their back on him, treating him like a walking douche bag with a knife.

He kissed him hard and then withdrew, pleased when Illya sought his mouth in baby robin fashion.

Harry took a deep breath, gathered as much resolve as he could manage, took another look at Snape, and bolted for the door.
Wrenching it open and hurling himself out of the bedroom, Harry realized he was in the upstairs hallway. He didn't stop to be confused. Instead he ran to his own room, slammed the door, fell to his knees, shoved both hands in his trousers, threw his head back, and jerked desperately on his prick. He came almost instantly, harder than he ever had in his life. Unsettled but drained, he collapsed to the floor and fell into an exhausted sleep.

Anna had never actually fisted someone before, but she'd been fisted, so she combined her memories with internet research, and was pretty much as prepared as she could be for this moment. She hadn't been sure Summer's body could take it, especially without lube, but Summer only tensed for a minute and moaned, and then relaxed, and Seth kept kissing her, one of his fingers rolling first one nipple and then the other, his mouth latched onto hers as though he was going to suck her soul out.
Anna made sure to keep her fingers pressed together tightly, made sure her hand curved up into Summer following the curve of Summer's body, and felt the opening of her uterus. For some women, she'd read, having the opening of their uterus fondled was extremely arousing; for others it was pain incarnate.

Rorschach [Watchmen]/Gerard Way [My Chemical Romance]
I really will whisper no.

"You think you see me because my skin is hot," I hiss into the newest (nearest) ear. I tongue it, then suck the full of the shell of it into my mouth. If potato chips were pliant, this is it. I imagine that the darkness must emphasize the thunder of my tongue, and that my simple breath must approach the storied voice in the desert.

Spread out like this, our fuckboy feels his whole being as an extension of his asshole. "And tonight you too will emanate from my buttcrack, bud!" growls the hungry mouth. "Render your maker its due regard." Aimed at this unutterable bull's-eye, I push my way through to my private steam room.

His calm and guileless eyes make an offer: Be my body's marauders. His words, when they come, are hardly more civil. "Have either of you guys fucked butt yet tonight?" Dane's eyes go wide; despite himself he smiles, shakes his head no. "Would you like to, dudes?" I nod. We've reached the night's destination; he in turn reaches for each of our towels and tears them away.
We'll fuck a road to nowhere. It may be no one's home, but nowhere's home like here is. Let's dub this boy with the buzz cut sprawled on the bed now stroking a boner: conduit for our impossible union. Now let's anoint him such.

“Oh, vare are my mannors? Vlet me introduce myself. I aim Standartenfuhrer Stark, or een vor country, voo may cull me Kornal Stark. I do belleaf voo vur looking vor me? Vell, voo ave found me, congratulaytions.” Stark said. He clapped a few times to properly congratulate Steve on finding him before returning his chin to laced fingers.

“Oh, Capteen, voo are ze porfect male, un Aryan god. Dis eez var voo beloong.” Stark said, staring at Steve's manhood with a crazed look on his face.

Her toes were snails, they were snails with shells of tears.

Title: Every Slasher is Sacred, Every Slasher is Good
Characters/Pairing: God/Lucifer. Mentions of Mike Rosenbaum/Tom Welling, Jensen Ackles/Jared Padalecki, Chris Kane/Steve Carlson and Chad 'Mayhem' Murray/bad decisions
Rating: R, mainly for language
Summary: God is annoyed at the fangirls, but not for the reason you think...

“This is no time to argue, Rorschach. They don’t get re-stitched, you’ll catch gang-green, now sit.”

"Dirty. Dirty. Fuck. No. Dirty. Sorry. Sorry Daniel. You made me. No fair. No fair Daniel!"
"It's okay, Walter! It's alright! Calm down. Breathe. Jesus Christ." He's going into shock. Is he allergic to me or something? No; just emotional issues. He's so adorably mental. Wouldn't mother be proud, to see my lover. Did I fall for a doctor or a lawyer? Naw. A psychopath that's allergic to semen is far better. Makes me almost glad she's dead, so she doesn't have to see this.

Walter tastes like salty pineapple. I've never had salty pineapple before, but if I ever have it, this is what I expect it to taste like.

I chuckle. "Thanks. They do make it, you just have to special order, like the sugar cubes."
"Most extravagant Jew in existence, Daniel."
Clearly you know nothing of my people, fic!Schach.

Daniel Brady watched rangy, brown-skinned, floppy-haired Chaz Villette spider across the bullpen from the kitchenette, four pastries balanced on a napkin and a cup of coffee in the other hand. Chaz nibbled at the Boston creme doughnut teetering atop his pile with crooked, functional teeth. Brady ran his tongue across his own even bite, wondering if years of orthodonture had been worth it.
Ben Linus watched large, sweaty, floppy-haired Hugo Reyes spider across the kitchen from the microwave, hot pocket in hand. Hurley turned quickly, startled, and sent the hot pocket flying at the doorframe near Ben's head. Ben ran his tongue across his own even bite, wondering if years of evil plotting had been worth it.

A scientist wants Rodney for himself, but believes Rodney's crush on John is the reason why he was shot down. Therefore, he rapes John to prove his manliness.

Not all of our scars are worn on the outside ... Sam finds out Dean is in a porno.

Russia/Lithuania - first time Liet's Baltic brothers witnessed Russia seriously punishing him. This could be them either walking into the scene, watching from behind a slightly open door or Russia forcing them to watch. It's entirely your call and your imagination but please make it dark, angsty, tearjerky, hurt/comforty...

It doesn't stop Gunn from whispering, "Master Wesley," even when Wesley's pristine, 'lily' hand is on his dark cock, pulling and stroking it feverishly. Gunn called it that once, 'your pretty lily hands', and Wesley's never forgotten, took it to be a compliment and was grateful for the darkness in the hayloft that hid his blush. Sometimes he wants nothing more than to have Gunn up in his bedroom, on his clean sheets. Most times he doesn't let himself want it too much. It'll never be more than it is, a quick roll in the hay. He'll never rub elbows with Gunn in the main room, only rub cocks together in secret, in shame. He can't ever forget that, not even when he arches back and spills on Gunn's hand, burying his face against dark skin and calling out a slave's name.

Kirk looked up at him, his tawny hair falling into his amber eyes, still bright with tears, the traces of which could be seen on his bruised face. “Because when he isn’t hitting me, he loves me like no one’s ever loved me before. He’s as generous with his spoils as he is with his love. He made me his first officer over two others who had more seniority, but only after I had proven myself in the field. I think I loved him the first time I saw him, when I was just a lowly ensign newly assigned to my first ship. I thought he was the perfect model of a Starfleet officer. It took him a year to notice me among all the other promising young officers, but when he did--when he singled me out and offered me his love, I didn’t even bother to ask what was in it for me. Anybody else would have held out until he promised a promotion. That’s how it’s usually done, when the captain takes an interest in you. But I did it for love. I did it for love, Spock,” he repeated, his voice breaking as his eyes closed, squeezing out tears of shame to freshen the moist trails running down his face. “And this is how he pays me back!”

There was no point trying to get in to a fistfight with Rorschach, because Daniel had a nasty hunch that he'd lose.
So, Daniel sat on him.

Then she got another idea. Katara looked at all of the cum on her body and Aang’s, and then she concentrated on it. Slowly it began to rise, leaving their bodies. She realized that there was enough water in it for her to manipulate, although it moved through the air sluggishly, as if it was water weighed down considerably by something else. Slowly it all collected into a ball in front of her. She considered what to do with it and decided that her original plan still had merit. A streamer came off of the ball and flowed toward her mouth. Before long it had all disappeared between her lips, which closed into a smile after being licked suggestively by her tongue.

Avatar - The Last Airbender > General > If You Bend It, They Will Cum >

“I love it when you rape me,” Aang whispered in what he hoped was a very seductive tone, looking at Katara from beneath his lashes.

[LM/HP] When Harry was 5 he had a pet butterfly. The butterfly could turn into a man who lived in Harry’s basement. That man killed Vernon when Harry turned 8. That man is a Death Eater who has been training Harry in how to be a proper Pureblood Heir. Harry was always told he was a bit like a Caterpillar and one day he’d be a Butterfly too. Sorted into Ravenclaw, when he starts Hogwarts, Harry learns that sometimes it’s much harder to keep secrets than it is to tell lies. But it could be worse: he could have been a Slytherin. As if enough people didn’t look at him funny already!

Draco had expected this to be a disaster,
But Potter excelled in the role of a Master,
As Draco loudly pleaded,
Potter knew what he needed,
And proceeded to pummel him faster.

Soon Harry had no patience left to postpone,
So he pushed in with a satisfied moan,
His hips gave a swivel,
And Draco’s answering drivel,
Sounded really like more of a groan.

Title: Rahm Emanuel, Vampire Slayer
Summary: When the Twilight epidemic immobilizess the Slayers, Spike decides he must do something about it. When the Twilight epidemic reaches the White House, Rahm takes action. Together, Rahm, Spike and Andrew team up to stop this fad once and for all.

Buffy/Rahmdom/Twilight Crossover. I don't know when this could fit on the Buffy timeline. Somewhere during season 7.

He pulled out and dropped to his knees in one smooth motion. He didn't lick or suck or nibble, but just swallowed Steve whole.
And that's why you don't have sex with an anaconda.

Erestor learns he's pregnant and starts crying rape. But is he telling the truth? Or is he trying to hide the shame of his unwedded relationship with another elf by spinning a fine web of lies.

In a world where males can have babies, Orlando gets pregnant whilst filming
This fic is one of the only RPS Mpreg fics I've found that is actually believable. I can definitely see something like happening. Like someone once said: "Nature will always find a way."

"Gimli, my friend," he said. "I think the time is come. For me the last tie to Middle Earth is broken, and naught lies now between me and my heart's desire. Already I have given orders that a ship should be built. We might sail in the high summer, down Anduin to the sea, and so into the West. What say you?"
Gimli's brows drew together as he stared at his cup, and under his whiskers, white and tawny, his face grew grey. "That I did not know you loved Elessar better than me," he said at last, thickly. "But perhaps I should not be surprised, for the bitterest blows ever come at the end of things, and it is certain you have seen more of him these many years than you have of me. You must follow your heart. In any case I feel I shall not be left here alone long--age is heavy on me, and life begins to be a burden."
With a little sound that was almost a sob Legolas slipped out of his seat, and with a shadow's grace knelt by Gimli's side, gripping the dwarf at arm and shoulder in his urgency. "Gimli," he said, "How you tear my heart! Can you think that I would--that I could--leave behind the best of friends, the truest of lovers? You misunderstand me. Word has been sent and received; you shall come with me, if you choose, or I shall not sail, not if I wait ten thousand years!"
~Awwwwwwwwwwww :D

Gloved hands clung to his robe-like outfit, tears dropping into his lap like raindrops from a sky of unhappiness.

Cloud tilted his chin towards him. He placed his hand on his cheek, a finger wiping away the tears in a gesture that a mother could do. A soft smile unfurled on his lips. “Coming back would mean nothing unless he tried to come for you. And even if his attempt to kill you was thought-out and planned, I would risk everything- even my own life- to kill him and never let his dream come true. Nothing shall ever harm you, flower bud. I won’t allow it.”
~This is being directed at Solid Snake, if I recall correctly.

It should be noted here that Roxas had a rather odd taste for his ice cream - he never liked it too cold. Frozen hard ice cream gave him too many headaches since he ate it so darn fast, and Twilight Town was never warm enough to melt his cones fast enough, so he had taken to carrying a lighter with him to speed up the process. Strange, yes, but it worked. It was also handy for when he and Hayner were feeling stupid and tried to light their farts on fire.

EXT. New York Street- Night

We see a close-up of a blood-stained smiley face button in a pool of blood by a sewer grate. As we zoom out, we see a man cleaning the blood with a hose. He is soon passed by a man with red hair carrying a sign reading “THE END IS NIGH.” This is WALTER KOVACS, played by ZAC EFRON, from hereon known as ZAC RORSCHACH. We continue to zoom out until we reach the top of the building. At the very start of the scene music begins to build. As we begin to zoom out, we hear Zac Rorschach sing.

ZAC RORSCHACH (VO, SINGING)

This is

My journal

The day is October 12th

It’s 1985

This morning I saw

The body of a dog

Its belly caved in

Like a rotting log

I scare the city

I’ve seen its true face

Such a pity

Vermin drowning

In the gutters all around me

All the whores and politicians

Always on my case

I gotta tell them

That I won’t save them

With a whisper

Filthy communists

And homosexuals

I gotta put a stop to them all

Jared is really just an old-fashioned boy out to save the world. With lapdances. Featuring confused Jensen, helpful Chris, receptionist Chad, and pimp Misha.

someone is breathing softly beside her as she stirs from a good dream, and soft rings of light curl along a familiar face; "morning, football head," she whispers affectionately, and it is euphoria, it is the rest of her life, forever and ever and ever.

Warnings: Unadulterated and unapologetic crack. Non-con done in the style of A.A. Milne's Winnie-ther-Pooh. Spanking, dubious uses of honey.

WARNING: If the idea of women performing oral sex on horses offends you, or if you are a really fanatical Tolkien fan, read no further!! You have been warned!!! Because herein it is explained exactly what Boromir meant when he said that the people of Rohan "love their horses next to their kin." ;-)

Xander wasn’t surprised when Spike cock left his writhing in an effort to not come before his Master. What did surprise him was the feeling of having Spike all the way in him. Last time it had been a pressure bordering on pain and definitely uncomfortable. This time he felt only a pleasant pressure like the happy feeling from eating a really large meal and knowing that you couldn’t eat another bite.

Mustang’s---Roy’s---hands were folded neatly, one on top of the other, and laid on his unmoving chest. He was dressed in black, all black, making him stand out even more amongst the frosty white roses. His skin was deathly pale, almost as white as the flowers he was surrounded by, and his elegant eyelashes cast melancholy shadows onto his snowy cheek.
He looked, in Ed’s opinion, utterly and completely innocent.
The white roses, the black clothing, the folded hands, the pallor of his skin, the few silken rose petals that had fallen, lying softly on his cheek and throat...
And the eternally closed eyes.
Ethereal. Yes---Roy was ethereal...ethereally beautiful, angelically pure, lying still and immortal in that bed of heavenly roses...the color of purity, the essence of innocence.

"Har...oh, go-...harder, fast -...love, ungh, love...rea- J-Ji-I, I, I, I...Ayeyiyiyiyiyiiiiiiiiiii.............!!!" before the voyeur could make any sense of them the slender, beautiful body was arching violently backwards, white fluid spilling from his cock, clenched in a white-knuckled fist, dripping over the hand and landing in the water to sink. Panther's hands dug into the visible ribs, fingers dug deep, and he shoved up, it seemed as hard as he could, and tilted his head to bite the nearest shoulder, jaw locking as he stiffened and then thrashed helplessly, legs churning the water, throwing it out to puddle on the marble floor.

‘By Jove, old thing,’ he had said one evening after rugger as they headed back for a well-earned shower, ‘you’ve been spending an awful lot of time with that Evans fellow lately.’
Danforth felt oddly defensive. ‘Well, I’m not the one frolicking about on stage with him every day.’
‘Goodness!’ Bolton held up his hands. ‘Don’t gnash your teeth too hard, old chum! It’s not like he’s a filly or anything.’ He chuckled. ‘Gosh, if he had been I’d think you were quite sweet on him!’

“I can’t do it!” Jim says, storming into McCoy’s tiny office at the back of Sickbay.
McCoy sighs. He has work to do. Work he is clearly not going to be getting done now. “There are a lot of things you can’t do. You’re going to have to be more specific.”
Jim frowns and looks hurt for a second, like it’s never occurred to him that there could possibly be more than one thing he can’t do. McCoy sometimes wonders what it’s like inside Jim’s head, and then shudders, and has a drink to get over the trauma.

Danforth looked up at that. ‘Honour bright?’
Evans nodded. ‘Ra-ther. Bolton’s a lot of things but he’s not entirely the sharpest pencil in the set, you know?’ He gave Danforth a sideways look, blue eyes crinkling a little against the sunlight. ‘Keep a secret?’
‘Like a squirrel keeps his nuts!’

He began to come, shivering like he was in a high fever, shooting streams like silly string, enjoying the little party I'd thrown him.

"In my medical opinion, you should really spend the night here in sickbay," says McCoy, then adds, "Also, that was a sedative."

"I said nothing I believe to be untrue," says Spock primly. He hesitates for a moment, then adds, "It was also brought to my attention that after marooning you on an ice planet and attempting to strangle you to death, failing to speak out for your defense would make me, in the popular vernacular, a douche."

I was wondering, Cadet Uhura, if I could persuade you to accept this ticket? It will grant you entrance to a display of small armaments, which happens to be taking place at this moment in the approximate region of my biceps and deltoids, with an auxillary showing in the vicinity of the tricep.

“Cadet Uhura.”
“Yes, Professor Spock?”
“I would like to request your presence at an event I fully intend to host in the immediate, foreseeable future. A prompt R.S.V.P. would be most appreciated.”
“Oh?”
“Indeed. It is to be a small celebratory gathering.”
“Oh, that sounds fantastic. Where are you planning on holding it?”
“Ah, that is-ahem-I intend to host this event within the confines of my regulation issued uniform slacks.”

There was a knock on the door, and John called, "One moment," then whispered to Rodney, "Turn on your belly." Rodney did so, spreading his legs wide without being told. John checked to make sure that his cock couldn't be seen, and then called, "Come on in." He stayed sitting on the bed, as the waiter wheeled in the cart. He didn't say anything about Rodney as he brought John the bill, but John could see his eyes trace over Rodney's shape.
Signing the bill, he handed it back and then rested one hand on Rodney's cheek. "Beautiful, isn't he?"
"Yes, sir," the waiter said, lust evident in his voice. He was slowly backing away, as though he didn't want to take his eyes off Rodney, but eventually he had to turn away to open the door.
When he'd left, John grinned down at Rodney, who had been watching the waiter with eyes blown wide.
"OK guys," the waiter said as he returned to the kitchen. "I think I win the prize for the week's worst customers."

“I’m not some fragile woman, Bones. I’m not gonna break, and I don’t need foreplay,” he points out, trying to sound smug but mostly sounding a little desperate. He thrusts his hips up against Bones to indicate just how unnecessary foreplay is.
Then I break into the room shouting "FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU!" and machine gun them both down.

“Fuck, you’re sexy,” Jim whispers before he can stop himself. Bones ducks his head but Jim can see the slight smile, which means it’s okay. He didn’t sound like some emotional woman like he feared. Or, if he did, Bones didn’t care.
FUCK YOU

The unbelievable sensation of Jim’s anus nipping convulsively at the base of Spock’s cock

Kink: Gangbang
Pairing: Uhura/Spock, Uhura/Kirk, Uhura/Chekov, Uhura/Bones, Uhura/Scotty, Uhura/Sulu
Prompt: An uneventful shift gets more interesting when Uhura walks onto the male-dominated bridge for her shift.

There seemed to be a slit at the base of the scrotum, directly behind the penis. Lex touched it gently, and more of the gel oozed out. It wasn't bleeding, but Clark did move restlessly.
Then something interesting happened. If Lex was not a calm person, he probably would have jumped off the bed.
Something inside the scrotum moved.
Clark moaned, spreading his legs, his skin on fire. He gripped the mattress with one hand and the pillow behind his head with the other.
Ever so carefully, Lex touched the scrotum again. The slit grew, Clark cried out. More of the gel eased out, and just on a hunch, Lex massaged it into the slit. Clark whimpered, but did not cry again. The head of something pressed against the seam. The seam widened more, and Clark's silky dark head moved restlessly on the pillow. Lex kept spreading the gel, the slit continued to grow and out emerged the tip of...
Another penis?
Holy shit

More of the second penis emerged. It was deep blueish-purple in color. The head looked like any head of a penis -sans the foreskin. There was the crown, the slit in the tip, the glans at the base.
Lex kept massaging in the slick gel around the opening and the secondary penis continued to emerge. That's when Clark started screaming.
Loudly.
And clawing his way up the headboard.
"Clark!" Lex shouted at him, trying to get Clark's attention. He tried to grab a hold of him, but the gel on his hands was too slippery. natural lubricant
"Get it out of me! Get it out!" Clark screamed, trying to crawl up the wall backwards. "GET IT OUT!"
Okay, so your teenage lover is an alien with a secondary penis and no one ever bothered telling him about it. What do you do?
Lex gently grabbed a hold of the secondary penis and stroked it. The gel spread, but the seam in the scrotum opened no further. There was no blood, so Lex decided that this was probably a normal thing for Clark's biological people.
The secondary penis definitely liked being stroked. It seemed to be prehensile, following Lex's hand, and when it was fully extended, he decided that it was approximately 15 inches long. It was thinner than a human male penis and smooth rather than veined. It was flexible, and seemed almost to have a mind of its own-
-not totally unlike a human male's penis.
The more Lex stroked, the less Clark screamed. He had actually started to pant again. The secondary penis (Little Clark vs. Big Clark?), wrapped around Lex's forearm. Sweat trickled down Lex's face and he swiped at it with the back of one hand, smearing the gel on his face.
Experimentally -and an 'oh what the hell'- Lex licked the gel.
~This is a pretty good approximization of my face right now -

Clark reached down and pressed Lex's fingers to the right spot. "Here. Feel that bump? That feels really good when I press it."
"Your prostate gland." Lex theorized in velvet tones as he continued stroking. "You have a primary penis for expelling liquid waste. Your scrotum, for want of a better word, produces a natural -and tasty- lubricant."
Clark made a face at that.
Lex continued, "Then you have a secondary penis for sexual activity that is both lengthy and limber." He noticed that the front penis had retracted somewhat as the secondary penis had extended. Fascinating. "Not that I'm a size queen, but I love your sex penis."
~"Not that I'm a size queen, but I love your sex penis." would make a great lj subtitle.

Lex worked his way up until Clark's muscular thighs were draped over his. He exhaled sharply as Clark's secondary penis released its hold on his forearm only to entwine around his own penis replacing his hand with a silken rope of flesh. It squeezed and pulsed and tugged on it's own. Lex leaned forward, gripping Clark's hips. He pulled Clark up into a sitting position, straddling Lex's thighs. Clark pressed his face against the side of Lex's head, arms looped around the pale shoulders, managing a few sloppy wet kisses. They jerked and thrust together, both holding on to each other for dear life.
~You know usually I'm all for tentacles but this is creeping me out in a way I can't explain

“Yeah, just like you loved all those other women. You know, when you were married?” Wilson scowled as House backed up into the middle of the room. “You just won’t-” House was abruptly cut off when a Klingon careened into the room and in his haste knocked the doctor down.

Arthur and Merlin go to boarding school, and they hate each other. A lot. Modern AU.
Wow, if only it was a magical boarding school.

"That's why I'm asking how you feel," he whispers with a sudden urgency, a nameless fever rising in his blood. "Your heart...does it shiver when I'm in you? Does it sing to you when I do this? Does it tell you, despite every fact and logic, that I'm the only thing, the only one..."
~Captain Kirk, everyone!

There was a snort from the other man, and Spock lifted his head slightly, amusement dancing in black eyes as he scissored, firmly, kissing the other’s sweaty chest. “I am sure that Starfleet would be understanding, performing a court marshal on a decorated Commander because his slightly less decorated Captain was displeased with his sexual performance.”
Kirk snorted. “Probably happened before.”
“I can assure you that it has not.” Spock smirked, and pushed in a fourth finger - when had he gotten the third in without his noticing? - stretching him firmly. “Do you think that you are ready?”
“Yeah... what are you... using?” he frowned, propping himself up on his elbows.
“My penis.” Spock answered, with strange calm.

They were supposed to be just friends, but that didn't stop Kirk from taking care of Spock nice and slow, rimming him senseless. Hurt/Comfort
I hate it when I end up rimming people I'm just supposed to be friends with.

His hands had moved, almost of themselves, sliding over her hips, caressing her ass, seeking the second tight orifice she had to offer him. Wanting to take her that way, to remind himself, all along his nerves, just what Spock felt taking him. How it would feel taking Spock.
But he hadn't. He'd gotten on top of her and buried himself in her juicy little tribble cunt. Warm and wet and very woman. And he'd lost himself anyway....

a dark skinned man used to visit you a lot. now he only comes once in awhile. you heard him saying that he can't stand to see you like this. now he doesn't see you at all.
the doctors like to leave you alone. and when you're alone, you think. you think of a television show. timmy and his well. the black and white dog that saved him.
you look closely at the dog's black and white eyes. at the black-and-white blue.
old man comes and sits with you for hours, watching you and calling you 'shawn'. he wants you to snap out of it. and you want to ask why, but the blue-eyed dog on the TV took your voice with him down the well. and you let him take it. you know he needs it more than you do because in the well, silence rings in his ears. your voice keeps him company. and you don't know why, but as long as blue-eyed dog has it, everything is alright.

"Ever so accommodating," Merlin moaned.
"Less talk, more action," Arthur gasped as two fingers slid inside of him.
"My liege, my king," Merlin said mockingly.
"My arse, your cock," Arthur demanded.

Jensen Ackles is a shy, overweight songwriter whose body issues have prevented him from forming any real personal connections, and at thirty, he’s still unsure of his sexuality, and still a virgin. But when he signs up for an experimental obesity research program, he meets Jared Padalecki, a stunningly sexy fitness guru who slowly but surely changes Jensen’s life.

Harry was startled when he saw the raw emotion break across Draco's impassive face - he blinked, and looked again, but it was gone, like a wound closing in on itself; a trick of the eyes, a play of the slanted golden light which threaded tinselled silk into Draco's hair of blond.

"You're the last person I expected to see." That voice still sent shivers down along his spine. It was deep and soft, but with a rasp to it. Kind of what Brian imagined it would be like to have a wolf pelt stroked across exposed skin. Longer, coarse hairs would tickle and tease, while the thick, soft undercoat would soothe and seduce.

Adam is on a permanent diet of queer boys only. He tried the straight-but-curious type once and it made him feel like Veronica Mars walking down the driveway on the infamous morning after in her white party dress and bare feet, all mascara-black tears and complete trauma, saying, "I was roofied," and he never wants to feel like that again.
~Somehow I don't think those two situations are equivalent.

Kirk/Bones preslash. The 5 times Bones and Kirk drank the others semen by accident and the 1 time they did it on purpose.

Five Cocks that Jim Sucked, and One that was Just Right

Sam and Dean have their own sexy, dangerous language.

And at that moment the spark of hatred which had ignited in their first encounter aboard the Hogwarts Express had erupted into seething scarlet flames that burned eternal, stoked and kindled by anger and resentment and bitterness that only Harry had been able to invoke. It was the very seed of his loathing for Harry; envy twisted with contempt, like serpents of fiery emerald binding chains of mingled hatred and disgusted admiration around him.

Neither of them moved. Stillness roared like a silent flame
Lupin eyed Harry and Draco curiously. "You may begin," he suggested.
Eternity passed by, and vanished like smoke.

Then Zach sweeps a thumb across his cheek and Chris holds his breath this time, as though its betraying him like a fickle friend telling the National Enquirer all of his secrets.

Then he stuck his tongue into Sam's mouth, sweeping across Sam's teeth and palate like he was searching for hidden treasure.

They felt their organs stir as their mouths met again

“You took a shortcut across a garden and I had to follow you because you’re a moron and get into all kinds of trouble and now we’re married and I can hear what you’re thinking!” Kyle says in a rush.
“It’s just alien-married,” Guy says, far too calmly. “It’s not like it counts.”

Arthur finally gave what was so desperately wanted. Wrapping his lizard like tongue around the straining flesh, he stroked and licked until Merlin spasmed under him, gifting him with his creamy essence.

"Damn you, take my cock! Take it!" Arthur snarled.
But I don't wanna.

"If I am not mistaken", He paused, All the Death Eaters looked up, expectantly. "Potter just lost his virginity. How... very unwelcome that was."

"C'mere, Sam. I wanna show you something," John says and beckons Sam to come closer.
Dean hangs his head even further. Good boy. Sam is eager to learn and leans in close.
"See that?" John says. "That's what happens when you stuff your brother with a ten inch dildo. It spreads him open. See that ring of muscles there? It's stretched so wide, if I pull the dildo out, it's not gonna close. See?"
And with that, John pulls the dildo out and they watch the abused muscles try to clench up again. The red rim, sore from the earlier abuse, is not closing completely. It doesn't work as well as it used to. It tells John he should ease up on the boy. But he's never spared him before, and now that Sam is getting old enough to play with them, John is more likely to step up the game.

This story contains frequent reference to strong expletive language; as befits a bunch of freaked out space marines. I have abbreviated the objectionable words so as not to offend. My story also contains some gruesome, if not exactly gory, descriptions of human remains and episodes of intense violence against (non-anthropomorphic) Space Pirates. There are a few brief descriptions of injuries and violence towards humans, including the use of shoulder dislocation in self-defense, and (laughs to self) a “well intentioned” testicular assault in Part 2.

These days, I'm pretty sure I'm Catherynne M. Valente. Like Errour a-dripping in her cave, I vomit books--but don't let that put you off. The publishers make sure they're soaped up shined to a high gloss before they go out. I'm just a little old lady curled up in my house on chicken legs down an island in Maine, in the middle of the ocean, chained to the church wall, pulling carrots out of the dirt for the village kids and gods in deer-clothing, drinking monk-grown wine out of the bottle and scrawling poems on the birch trees. Except for the part where I'm a 29 year old black-haired siren (you know, half-bird, half-woman, one hell of a baritone) re-patriated from Scotland and Japan, escaped from the South, scribing it godridden through New England with occasional jaunts in my pestle-ship to force unsuspecting young maidens to read my books.
~I'M SPECIAL! I'M SPECIAL, DARN IT! SPEEEEEEEEECIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLL

Or perhaps it was what Solo's fingers were doing to him there that caused the physical reaction, it was difficult to tell. All Illya knew was that his world was on fire, only the thick spray from that organic fire hose could douse this inferno.

Sam doesn't like his dick getting cold. So like he has a pair of gloves to keep his hands warm he also has Dean to keep his cock warm. Whenever he has some privacy to puts his cock into Dean, ass or mouth, and then goes about his normal routine. It is Dean's job to make sure he doesn't inconvenience Sam. Dean's sole purpose in live is being a cock warmer and a masturbatory aid.
~...goes about his normal routine, really?

Merlin didn't care how stupid it made him look, but his mouth hung open, his tongue might have been peeking out a little bit and his eyes were glued to Arthur's cock.


this has cross spices paring ok

Cloud crashed onto his bed, and started to dial Aeris’ number. “ring ring”
Del: Cloud: “Ring ring”
Phone: *rings*
Cloud: “Hello?”
Aeris: “Cloud, honey, the Planet told me you forgot how to use a phone again.”
Cloud: “Ring ring!”
Aeris: “Cloud, the Planet wants you to know you’re a dumbfuck.”

“Please stop,” she pleaded. “I can’t… I’ve never… virgin,” was all she could choke out between sobs.
He gave a wicked smile, “I know, princess.”
Panic! Shorts were ripped! Screams!

Though Cloud carried her to the infirmary, Tifa and Aeris rushed him out. They went to nursing, cleaning, and clothing the injured girl, cursing themselves aloud for allowing something like this to happen.
Del: Tifa: FUCKING FUCKERY SHIT ASS CUNT
Dap: Aeris: May a thousand, thousand burning suns wreak their sorrows upon me for all their days, yea, until I am bereft of moisture, until my bones peer through my skin, for I have brought pain and sorrow into this house by my neglect, and may I suffer for it truly, O Ancients that were!

She was sitting up drinking a foreign tea that Aeris had prepared.
“It has amazing healing properties.” She insisted. She had brewed it with rue, not having complete faith in the emergency contraception Tifa had provided.
Dap: Emergency contraception by Tifa: 1 (one) punch to gut
1 (one) admonition "stop cryin' ya sissy"

He looked down and saw the head of ababy coming out of the end. It then occurred to him that his baby was conceived through his urethra maybe it would be born through his urethra.

5 People Who Comforted girl!Spock after She Had To Cut Off Her Gorgeous Hair, and 1 Person Who Showed Her She was Still Incredibly Attractive.

Summary: Bones is throwing up on every available surface of the ship when the inertial dampeners fail, and Jim decides to distract him from his motion sickness in a slightly unorthodox way.
Warnings: Rrrrrimming!

Its echoes are in the shift of light across the knife-blades of his cheekbones that says, don't leave me behind.

The lube was cold on Ianto’s arse as Jack drizzled it over him like he was a chef lovingly garnishing a salad.

Arthur’s grip on Merlin’s hips slackened. He slid off his lap, down to kneel on the floor between his legs, and began to unlace his breeches with sticky fingers.
Arthur’s cock leapt out.


Harry grabed missy waist and started to kiss her neck to get her to stop so they could have some adult time.
“ Harry potter stop your going to make me drop this.” missy said giggling
“ Hey you did promise me that we could have some adult fun time when I got home from work.” Harry said
“ Ok we will have some adult fun time now.” missy said
Missy put down the decertion and harry pulled her to there room to have some adult time and they stayed there all night.

Like a sensual octopus, Solo's adroit hands seemed to be everywhere: carding through Kuryakin's damp hair, undoing his pajama buttons, stroking the skin revealed, unfastening his trousers.

Sherlock Holmes doing rude pushups for the picture of hisself in the mirror. His body flexed to turgid shape. The photograph lilted out an tune of forbidden music from the far east. Cocaine was everywhere in great mounds. The door opened suddenly.
"His Cocaine!?" It Watson.
"WATSON!?" Sherlock holmes got up and knocked over a chair. "YOU BACK."
They hug each other very long. A bird is chirp and London street go on with their dealings. A Bobby seen in action patrol.

The ecstatic shudders seemed to go on forever. Like a marionette on a mad puppeteer's strings or a galvanized frog, Kuryakin's body jerked and surged of its own accord.

Illya's talented fingers had turned him on faster than a seasoned hooker, and there was nothing the mortified Solo could do to turn himself off again while those ignorant hands were still stroking his flesh.

Ok, so for anyone who watched Loony Tunes there was this character who was always rather large and dumb. Going in the theme of Loony Tunes, this character would get pets (like bug bunny) but because he wasn't all there, he kind of... over-loved them. I think the famous line from the cartoon was "and I will hug him and squeeze him and love him and pet him and I will call him George."
So! Jared is the big dumb lug, and he wants to keep Jensen as a pet. Do what you will.
(coming soon in prompts, Elmira from Tiny Toons. keep watching, I'll post it eventually)
P.S. educational note. the character came from the book "of Mice and Men"

Snape was a normal man, when he wasn’t with Voldemort! He wanted food three times a day and drank a lot of water.
He enjoyed running on his wheel!

“It will be okay… you can just use your power to turn my cum into water and then it wont be babies,” he said as he started to tittyfuck her. Her boobs were huge so they could wrap them around his weiner like bumblebees.”

and all words were forgotten as their rising moans filled the house like the wails of doomed souls roasting in sempiternal hellfire.

What came of The Flagellum and me, a voyeur? She strolled through the Domino Room, turning heads and raising my labia.

Summary: Joe isn't really looking forward to having a new little brother, at least not until the first time he sees baby Nick's face. While growing up together, the two boys don't realize what's happening between them until they're both grown up enough to finally understand.
Disclaimer: A great deal of this story takes place when Joe and Nick are very young, getting themselves into intimate situations without realizing that they are wrong. Nothing is intended to reflect real life events. More likely than not, none of this happened.
~So that's what it feels like to have my skin crawl off.

After his two top agents entered and sat down Mr. Waverly got right to business, "Gentlemen, it appears that THRUSH has found a new cover recently. They have bought out a porno film company."
The two men looked at each other in surprise, Illya with suspicion and Napoleon with amusement.
"We've managed to get you both jobs as actors in their latest film." Mr. Waverly continued.

Snow-white was as good and happy as ever a child in the world was, but Rose-black was a goth.

He was dancing, and it was the beginning of the evening, so he still wore his leather pants - the ones that had velcro to make them easy to tear off in one gesture

Draco looked down at the top of Harry's head, to the spot where his hair was already showing signs of thinning. It made Draco smile, for some reason. He kissed the spot, imagining himself talking a balding Harry out of a horrible combover at some point in the distant future. He'd keep his hair, of course. All the Malfoys had done.
LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

That weekend, Jared puts Jensen in his puppy bed and leashes him up. He gets it into his head sometimes that Jensen needs to be taken care of, that Jared needs to breed him full of spunk until Jensen can't hold anymore. Sometimes he even has Jensen take pregnancy tests, both of them pretending they don't know what it'll say. Jensen pisses on the stick while he's in his puppy bed, wetting himself and trembling when he hears the heavy stream of it pattering on the rubber sheet.

Summary: Jeeves comes to terms with loosing Bertie.
Rating: NC 17. Warnings for rape, suicide and angst.
...No thanks, I'll pass.

Merlin suddenly sprawled onto his love, skin against skin, Arthur’s arms around him, strong, Arthur’s mouth on his, famished - and their cocks striking, clashing, then matching - even their balls pressing and bobbling each against the other’s - ‘Aaarrrggghhh!’ Merlin cried out, hardly knowing whether it was agony or bliss

Draco shrugged, and pointed towards one of the walls of the room, which was entirely taken up with a vast, glass fronted, chrome cabinet. Inside the cabinet were thousands of CDs.
"Review copies," said Draco. "Do you fancy some undiscovered talent, or shall I just put Coldplay on?"
"Coldplay will just depress me," said Harry. "I want the worst fucking music you've got."
So, Coldplay, then.

The boy staggered and nearly fell, and the man grunted his displeasure as he fell out of the warm haven of fresh-fucked arsehole.

In the bird's nest of his crotch the mother bird once more placidly nursed her two eggs.
Best description of a flaccid penis and balls, or best description of a flaccid penis and balls?

His testicles were two grey gooseberries. His penis, which was circumcised, was small, almost but not quite abnormally small, and so plump and round as to resemble, rather, a third testicle. A charming thing which, no sooner had one set eyes on it, one felt like tenderly cupping between one's palms like a throbbing little sparrow.

The knowledge that he was quite possibly the only person who ever fucked Arthur’s arse was torture. At the council session next day, Arthur stood to address the courtiers. Merlin, standing behind him, had a perfect view of his firm, round buttocks, snugly fitted inside his tight breeches. He stared. He was the only one permitted to ease his cock inside that inviting crack. He was the only one.

Napoleon was left a quivering mass of excited, boneless protoplasm in his partner's wake. Then that wicked tongue started dipping into his aural canal and limning his earlobes, undoing him completely. By the time Kuryakin was done there, Solo was twitching like a Mexican jumping bean.

in world war I primitive tanks carried bundles of sticks on the front of their hulls which they dropped into trenches so they could cross them and the term for these objects is "fascines" but they could also be termed "enormous faggots" and basically if a wwI tank ever goes to mars and needs to cross the Valles Marineris it should strap heebie-gbs to the front of its hull
~this is an amazing burn.

PROBABLY ENOUGH FOR NOW