[Fanfic] Rurouni Kenshin - Thaw
I can't believe I took almost one freaking year to write this. Still not good enough. I did my best though.
Title: Thaw
Rating: K+
Word count: 1,414
A/N: Continuation to Winter. Thanks to my beta older woman for her suggestions. If there are any mistakes it's because I couldn't stop messing around with this.
Summary: Had he ever told her? No, he'd never thought he needed to. That was a mistake, his mistake.
One day, in the middle of winter, Kenshin catches his wife staring out into the falling snow.
She stands at the slight opening of the shoji, haori over her shoulders. One hand grips the door’s edge, suggesting an intention to pull it shut, but it does not appear as if she will do so anytime soon. Her attention is completely occupied - she does not even notice as he enters the room to stand behind her.
He watches for a few moments, wondering just what has transfixed her. There’s a strange, nagging feeling that there is something familiar about the situation.
Just as he opens his mouth to call her name, he hears a small sigh; her shoulders slump. She pulls the haori tighter around herself, and he is struck by how listless she appears.
He frowns, worried. He can’t recall the last time he saw her looking like -
No, that’s wrong.
An image comes to his mind - one from some weeks ago: her expression when he turned his eyes from the falling snow to see her standing behind him, silently watching - a reversal of their current positions, but she’s still the one who looks dispirited...
His gaze shifts back to the snow. And suddenly, many things become clear. The guilt comes as a deep ache in his chest.
“Kaoru-dono,” he murmurs, stepping forward towards her.
Startled, she whips her head around. “Kenshin!” She seems flustered, possibly embarrassed, under his gaze; it only serves to confirm his thoughts. “I was just … the shoji…”
He interrupts her, softening it with a smile. “Isn’t it cold standing there like that?”
Before she can recover from her obvious surprise, he steps in behind her and gathers her into his arms, pulling her back against his chest.
“Kenshin...?” He hears the confusion in her voice, but he pretends not to, choosing to stare out into the open, silently praying for her acceptance. To his relief, her momentary stiffness eases, and she does settle into his embrace after a while, but it is clear to him that she’s not fully comfortable.
For long moments, neither of them speaks a word as they watch the snow together. He tries to assess her feelings, half-hoping she will express them without him prompting. He can sense her unease growing with the silence; she’s tensing again, just a little, but does not say anything.
The wait, he eventually decides, has gone on long enough. “The snowfall has been heavy lately, hasn’t it?”
She only makes a soft sound of assent.
He allows the pause to drag on for a few moments longer, before saying in a quiet voice. “Kaoru-dono...this one has hurt you.”
Still she remains silent, her eyes fixed on the snow, but he can see how her shoulders have stiffened. Warily, he wonders if she will deny it. But then she lowers her head. “It’s not your fault,” she says quietly. “It’s mine.”
“That’s not true,” he protests. When she remains silent, he presses on. “The fault lies only with this one...will you forgive this one?”
He certainly wasn't prepared for her to pull away and turn, finally meeting his gaze. He is taken aback when he sees anger in her eyes. “What for, Kenshin? For remembering a woman who meant so much to you?” Despite the words, there is no bitterness, no accusation in her voice, only a note of despair. The anger, he realizes, is not directed at him. She holds his gaze for a moment, and then turns away.
“Did this one....” He hesitates. “Did this one make you feel...inferior to Tomoe?”
He sees surprise flash across her face, and wonders at it. “That’s - ” she stops abruptly, and then purses her lips, her expression dismayed.
“Kaoru-dono?”
Her eyes slowly drift back to the snow that is still falling onto their yard. “So...” he hears her murmur, her voice so soft that he almost misses it. “That’s how it is...”
“Kaoru-dono?” He probes again gently, but she does not seem to be listening.
For long moments. she does not speak. “It’s all right, you know,” she says at last, in that same, quiet, tone. “She was an amazing woman...certainly not one I should mind being second to.”
He is not sure what disturbs him more - her words, or the resignation in her voice. One hand reaches for her shoulder while the other grips her chin, tilting her face towards his. “Kaoru, look at me,” he urges. She does, but he sees her shocked expression, and it is only then that he realizes his slip, and that he is gripping her with more force than necessary. He releases her chin with a muttered apology, but his other hand remains on her shoulder, unwilling to let her go just yet.
“Kenshin...” She sound more concerned than fearful, to his relief.
“Please, hear this one out.” He takes a deep breath before looking squarely into her eyes. “This one...has never thought of you as being second to Tomoe - and this one never will.” Had he ever told her that? No; he had never thought that he could make her think otherwise. That was a mistake, his mistake.
She closes her eyes, as if trying to gather her thoughts, while he watches hopefully. When she opens them again, he can see tears threatening to fall. “I know that,” she whispers. “I really do. I know that she’s an important part of you, too, and I’ve accepted that. But sometimes...” She trails off, her head bowed, as if in shame.
“Kaoru-dono...look at this one. Please.” She raises her head.
“This one understands,” he says gently. “Please don’t be ashamed. For you to have been uncertain, this one must have been at fault.”
“Kenshin -”
He touches a finger to her lips. “Just listen first, please,” he urges. She bites her lip, and then quietly nods. There is a pause though, as he struggles to put his feelings into words. It’s something he’d thought through a long time ago, but he’d never thought the same questions would trouble her as well...
She stands silently until he feels ready to begin. “This one loved Tomoe very much. And...sometimes...he cannot help thinking of her, and...how she died.” The memory causes him to pause again, but his heart lifts when she reaches out to squeeze his hand tentatively, and he spares a moment to give her a small, grateful, smile.
“She is still important to this one... but as a part of this one’s past.” He clasps her hands in his. “The person most precious to this one is you. This one has told you that before, has he not? Did you believe it?"
She hesitates, then gives a small nod.
"That will not be changed, not by...someone who has passed. Nor by anyone else. Now, and for as long as this one lives...this one will love you, and only you. Will you believe that?”
He watches her take a deep breath. Her lip trembles. “Of course,” she says, softly.
The weight in his heart eases. “For hurting you, though...will you forgive this one?”
The tears finally spill from her eyes.
“Kaoru-dono...” He trails off uncertainly. But then she shakes her head. “I forgive you,” she says, her voice shaky - yet there’s a smile on her lips. “I forgive you. And I’m sorry for doubting you, even for a moment.”
He sighs. “There’s nothing to forgive, my dear.”
She lets out a short, sharp laugh that is accompanied by more tears. “You don’t think I’m being petty?”
“No. No, of course not.” Softly, he presses his lips to her forehead. “There is so much that this one puts you through...” He reaches out to wipe away her tears. “For accepting him anyway...this one is indebted.”
She shakes her head again. “Baka. You don’t owe me anything.” Some sternness creeps into her voice. “That’s not something you ever need to feel.”
Of course that didn’t matter to her. How could he have forgotten? “Ah...forgive this one. Again.” He chuckles. “As you say, this one is a fool, that he is.”
Her expression lightens too, for a moment, but she quickly becomes subdued again. “Just...be happy with me. That’s all I ask.”
He leans in closer, wanting her see the earnestness in his gaze. “And that, my dear...that’s not something you ever need ask for.”
He sees the way her eyes light up, just before she leans forward to rest her head on his shoulder, catching him by surprise. His arms slip around her, holding her close.
They remain there for a while, in each other’s embrace. She’s content to stay that way, it seems, for a good while longer.
He is not, however. He pulls away slightly, and then leans in to close the small distance between their lips.
The winter air still streams through the open shoji, but neither of them seems to notice the cold.
Title: Thaw
Rating: K+
Word count: 1,414
A/N: Continuation to Winter. Thanks to my beta older woman for her suggestions. If there are any mistakes it's because I couldn't stop messing around with this.
Summary: Had he ever told her? No, he'd never thought he needed to. That was a mistake, his mistake.
One day, in the middle of winter, Kenshin catches his wife staring out into the falling snow.
She stands at the slight opening of the shoji, haori over her shoulders. One hand grips the door’s edge, suggesting an intention to pull it shut, but it does not appear as if she will do so anytime soon. Her attention is completely occupied - she does not even notice as he enters the room to stand behind her.
He watches for a few moments, wondering just what has transfixed her. There’s a strange, nagging feeling that there is something familiar about the situation.
Just as he opens his mouth to call her name, he hears a small sigh; her shoulders slump. She pulls the haori tighter around herself, and he is struck by how listless she appears.
He frowns, worried. He can’t recall the last time he saw her looking like -
No, that’s wrong.
An image comes to his mind - one from some weeks ago: her expression when he turned his eyes from the falling snow to see her standing behind him, silently watching - a reversal of their current positions, but she’s still the one who looks dispirited...
His gaze shifts back to the snow. And suddenly, many things become clear. The guilt comes as a deep ache in his chest.
“Kaoru-dono,” he murmurs, stepping forward towards her.
Startled, she whips her head around. “Kenshin!” She seems flustered, possibly embarrassed, under his gaze; it only serves to confirm his thoughts. “I was just … the shoji…”
He interrupts her, softening it with a smile. “Isn’t it cold standing there like that?”
Before she can recover from her obvious surprise, he steps in behind her and gathers her into his arms, pulling her back against his chest.
“Kenshin...?” He hears the confusion in her voice, but he pretends not to, choosing to stare out into the open, silently praying for her acceptance. To his relief, her momentary stiffness eases, and she does settle into his embrace after a while, but it is clear to him that she’s not fully comfortable.
For long moments, neither of them speaks a word as they watch the snow together. He tries to assess her feelings, half-hoping she will express them without him prompting. He can sense her unease growing with the silence; she’s tensing again, just a little, but does not say anything.
The wait, he eventually decides, has gone on long enough. “The snowfall has been heavy lately, hasn’t it?”
She only makes a soft sound of assent.
He allows the pause to drag on for a few moments longer, before saying in a quiet voice. “Kaoru-dono...this one has hurt you.”
Still she remains silent, her eyes fixed on the snow, but he can see how her shoulders have stiffened. Warily, he wonders if she will deny it. But then she lowers her head. “It’s not your fault,” she says quietly. “It’s mine.”
“That’s not true,” he protests. When she remains silent, he presses on. “The fault lies only with this one...will you forgive this one?”
He certainly wasn't prepared for her to pull away and turn, finally meeting his gaze. He is taken aback when he sees anger in her eyes. “What for, Kenshin? For remembering a woman who meant so much to you?” Despite the words, there is no bitterness, no accusation in her voice, only a note of despair. The anger, he realizes, is not directed at him. She holds his gaze for a moment, and then turns away.
“Did this one....” He hesitates. “Did this one make you feel...inferior to Tomoe?”
He sees surprise flash across her face, and wonders at it. “That’s - ” she stops abruptly, and then purses her lips, her expression dismayed.
“Kaoru-dono?”
Her eyes slowly drift back to the snow that is still falling onto their yard. “So...” he hears her murmur, her voice so soft that he almost misses it. “That’s how it is...”
“Kaoru-dono?” He probes again gently, but she does not seem to be listening.
For long moments. she does not speak. “It’s all right, you know,” she says at last, in that same, quiet, tone. “She was an amazing woman...certainly not one I should mind being second to.”
He is not sure what disturbs him more - her words, or the resignation in her voice. One hand reaches for her shoulder while the other grips her chin, tilting her face towards his. “Kaoru, look at me,” he urges. She does, but he sees her shocked expression, and it is only then that he realizes his slip, and that he is gripping her with more force than necessary. He releases her chin with a muttered apology, but his other hand remains on her shoulder, unwilling to let her go just yet.
“Kenshin...” She sound more concerned than fearful, to his relief.
“Please, hear this one out.” He takes a deep breath before looking squarely into her eyes. “This one...has never thought of you as being second to Tomoe - and this one never will.” Had he ever told her that? No; he had never thought that he could make her think otherwise. That was a mistake, his mistake.
She closes her eyes, as if trying to gather her thoughts, while he watches hopefully. When she opens them again, he can see tears threatening to fall. “I know that,” she whispers. “I really do. I know that she’s an important part of you, too, and I’ve accepted that. But sometimes...” She trails off, her head bowed, as if in shame.
“Kaoru-dono...look at this one. Please.” She raises her head.
“This one understands,” he says gently. “Please don’t be ashamed. For you to have been uncertain, this one must have been at fault.”
“Kenshin -”
He touches a finger to her lips. “Just listen first, please,” he urges. She bites her lip, and then quietly nods. There is a pause though, as he struggles to put his feelings into words. It’s something he’d thought through a long time ago, but he’d never thought the same questions would trouble her as well...
She stands silently until he feels ready to begin. “This one loved Tomoe very much. And...sometimes...he cannot help thinking of her, and...how she died.” The memory causes him to pause again, but his heart lifts when she reaches out to squeeze his hand tentatively, and he spares a moment to give her a small, grateful, smile.
“She is still important to this one... but as a part of this one’s past.” He clasps her hands in his. “The person most precious to this one is you. This one has told you that before, has he not? Did you believe it?"
She hesitates, then gives a small nod.
"That will not be changed, not by...someone who has passed. Nor by anyone else. Now, and for as long as this one lives...this one will love you, and only you. Will you believe that?”
He watches her take a deep breath. Her lip trembles. “Of course,” she says, softly.
The weight in his heart eases. “For hurting you, though...will you forgive this one?”
The tears finally spill from her eyes.
“Kaoru-dono...” He trails off uncertainly. But then she shakes her head. “I forgive you,” she says, her voice shaky - yet there’s a smile on her lips. “I forgive you. And I’m sorry for doubting you, even for a moment.”
He sighs. “There’s nothing to forgive, my dear.”
She lets out a short, sharp laugh that is accompanied by more tears. “You don’t think I’m being petty?”
“No. No, of course not.” Softly, he presses his lips to her forehead. “There is so much that this one puts you through...” He reaches out to wipe away her tears. “For accepting him anyway...this one is indebted.”
She shakes her head again. “Baka. You don’t owe me anything.” Some sternness creeps into her voice. “That’s not something you ever need to feel.”
Of course that didn’t matter to her. How could he have forgotten? “Ah...forgive this one. Again.” He chuckles. “As you say, this one is a fool, that he is.”
Her expression lightens too, for a moment, but she quickly becomes subdued again. “Just...be happy with me. That’s all I ask.”
He leans in closer, wanting her see the earnestness in his gaze. “And that, my dear...that’s not something you ever need ask for.”
He sees the way her eyes light up, just before she leans forward to rest her head on his shoulder, catching him by surprise. His arms slip around her, holding her close.
They remain there for a while, in each other’s embrace. She’s content to stay that way, it seems, for a good while longer.
He is not, however. He pulls away slightly, and then leans in to close the small distance between their lips.
The winter air still streams through the open shoji, but neither of them seems to notice the cold.