Have Mercy on Us
Highlights in my life in the past week or so:
-Met a husky called Alice through Fetlife. We met IRL and she seems super cool. Hopefully we'll be able to hang out when I get back in town.
-Talked to Magia about how things went down between us. Long story short, she told me she likes me a lot but was uneasy about the polyamory deal because she didn't feel comfortable with me having sex with people in her group of known acquaintances. Not once did she bring this up while we were considering a relationship and I told her just because an ex had a very bad reaction to this request, it doesn't mean that I would. The sexual tension was obvious and I almost fucked here right there in her couch. I'm glad I didn't though. I would feel like utter shit about having sex with someone in a monogamous relationship regardless of the chemistry or the history involved.
-Made it to San Fran, which was fun until Fetz and Yumi decided that race was an OK subject to fuck around with. Yumi recited ad verbatim a racist skit that featured the N word several times, making me extremely uncomfortable. When I brought it up, Fetz decided it would be a brilliant idea to keep using the term just to egg me on. Then they're all surprised and butthurt when I don't want to interact with them or play test with them. Yumi ended apologizing and I wanted to explain how there are times, places and people to fuck around certain topics with, that as a Latina I am have a visceral reaction to someone looking at me while they say "damned nigger", that my people and myself have lived the horrors of racism on the flesh and no knowledge of a simulacrum makes us feel any safer. But instead, I just said "ok", too uncomfortable to say anything else. I still don't feel completely comfortable and to be honest, I feel like ditching them the second I get the chance to. And I don't know if I'll want to hang out with them once I'm back in Tucson. I hate losing friends (especially in a place where I have so few) and I can take a joke or problematic gestures, but this might be too much for me to bear. I don't know if I'll be able to feel comfortable with them any longer. To all the white people reading this: please don't think race is something to make fun of. You might feel that way because you've never been at the receiving end of racism but I swear to you, no matter how innocuous or ironic your point is, you never know who you might trigger and how much you might damage them. This is for me (as for many people of color) a trigger point and I am trying very hard to stop crying and trembling.
-Had pupusas. Those things are made out of crack.
-Los Angeles reminds me of la isla. It also reminds me of Sandy. Does Sandy remind me of the island? In a way she does. I'm still trying to figure out what is it about this woman that keeps me coming back for more. I told her I'm coming back to the department. I'm going to try this out one more time; a lot of it has to do with the fact that I do love scholarly work. It also has to do a lot with the fact that I feel a connection with Sandy. I know that is hella problematic to state but...I don't know. I just don't. I'm still trying to figure out what her damage is, why she wants me in the dept. I want to know why she doesn't leave even when I push her, when I am obviously looking at her with desire, with longing...fuck this is complicated.
-Going back to school. Will try this one more time. Will try to be a more positive person and not lose sight of what I love.
-Met a husky called Alice through Fetlife. We met IRL and she seems super cool. Hopefully we'll be able to hang out when I get back in town.
-Talked to Magia about how things went down between us. Long story short, she told me she likes me a lot but was uneasy about the polyamory deal because she didn't feel comfortable with me having sex with people in her group of known acquaintances. Not once did she bring this up while we were considering a relationship and I told her just because an ex had a very bad reaction to this request, it doesn't mean that I would. The sexual tension was obvious and I almost fucked here right there in her couch. I'm glad I didn't though. I would feel like utter shit about having sex with someone in a monogamous relationship regardless of the chemistry or the history involved.
-Made it to San Fran, which was fun until Fetz and Yumi decided that race was an OK subject to fuck around with. Yumi recited ad verbatim a racist skit that featured the N word several times, making me extremely uncomfortable. When I brought it up, Fetz decided it would be a brilliant idea to keep using the term just to egg me on. Then they're all surprised and butthurt when I don't want to interact with them or play test with them. Yumi ended apologizing and I wanted to explain how there are times, places and people to fuck around certain topics with, that as a Latina I am have a visceral reaction to someone looking at me while they say "damned nigger", that my people and myself have lived the horrors of racism on the flesh and no knowledge of a simulacrum makes us feel any safer. But instead, I just said "ok", too uncomfortable to say anything else. I still don't feel completely comfortable and to be honest, I feel like ditching them the second I get the chance to. And I don't know if I'll want to hang out with them once I'm back in Tucson. I hate losing friends (especially in a place where I have so few) and I can take a joke or problematic gestures, but this might be too much for me to bear. I don't know if I'll be able to feel comfortable with them any longer. To all the white people reading this: please don't think race is something to make fun of. You might feel that way because you've never been at the receiving end of racism but I swear to you, no matter how innocuous or ironic your point is, you never know who you might trigger and how much you might damage them. This is for me (as for many people of color) a trigger point and I am trying very hard to stop crying and trembling.
-Had pupusas. Those things are made out of crack.
-Los Angeles reminds me of la isla. It also reminds me of Sandy. Does Sandy remind me of the island? In a way she does. I'm still trying to figure out what is it about this woman that keeps me coming back for more. I told her I'm coming back to the department. I'm going to try this out one more time; a lot of it has to do with the fact that I do love scholarly work. It also has to do a lot with the fact that I feel a connection with Sandy. I know that is hella problematic to state but...I don't know. I just don't. I'm still trying to figure out what her damage is, why she wants me in the dept. I want to know why she doesn't leave even when I push her, when I am obviously looking at her with desire, with longing...fuck this is complicated.
-Going back to school. Will try this one more time. Will try to be a more positive person and not lose sight of what I love.