(no subject)
I don't know when the last time I wrote in this thing was. Probably some time last summer. Sometime when there was Joel and Elyssa and I don't know what else. I always loved this little journal. It's a shame that between life and the fact that I no longer have an internet connection to call my own I have slacked off completely. There as just too much drama back then. Besides, everyone worth really talking to made the switch to myspace. Lame.
Anyways, to be brief, I hate rehersal. I hate everything about being here. I hate watching the dancers dancer, I hate watching the singers sing. I hate watching the actors act. I hate being onstage. I hate being off it. I hate that every time I look in the mirror I feel compelled to compare myself to all the people around me, and I always end up feeling dissatisfied. I hate my hair,. I hate my glasses, I hate that I look so teerrible up there next to the other girls. I hate being one of the only ones who can hold their part in an ensemble number. I am so disgusted with everything about theatre right now that at times I have found myself wondering if I ever want to perform again. I'm tired. I'm bored. I'm not good enough anyways, so why bother? I just want to work on my dance, forget about singing, forget about acting. I want to not be busy. For two years I've had no time to myself, because I've dedicated every spare second of it to a place where I just don't fit in. I'm done. This is my last show.
In a year, maybe two, I might come back. By then maybe I'll be thin and pretty enough to make a stand on my own. Maybe by then this whole program will be something to be proud of again.