Fic - Popslash - The Bee's Knees - 2/2
Brian/Howie, Howie/Nick
R
The Bee's Knees, pt. 2
Howie cleared his throat. He could hear AJ snoring above him.
"Nick," Howie said, quietly. He didn't think that Nick was asleep. He thought about just shutting up, rolling over, closing his eyes, and trying to will himself to sleep. But he was sure Nick was awake. Nick had coughed just moments earlier. He tried again.
"Nick."
AJ snored and then Howie heard rustling and Nick's curtain opened.
"What?" Nick asked.
Now that Nick was staring at him, obviously annoyed, it was pretty clear that Howie was making a mistake bringing up the subject at all. But he had to tell someone, and Nick was right there.
"I - Brian and I - I don't think he - "
Nick squeezed his eyes shut and held up his hands. "Great. You know what, I'm trying to sleep. Don't say anything else, okay? I don't need to picture this. Why do you tell me these things?"
"Nick," Howie said. "Do you want me to stop?"
"I want you to stop explaining every detail of your love life to me, yes." Nick moved to close his curtain back up.
"No, I mean, you want me to stop with Brian? Everything?"
Nick sighed and rolled onto his back. "I don't care what you do with Brian."
"Because, Nicky, it kind of seems like you do." Howie didn't really want to admit that there was a part of him that wanted Nick to care. Howie didn't know what he'd gotten himself into anymore.
"I don't. I just don't want to know about it," Nick said. "Please." Nick turned his back to Howie and took a deep breath. "Good night."
Howie closed his eyes and tried to sleep.
**
Nick didn't want to know about it, which didn't really surprise Howie. He shouldn't have gone to Nick with this in the first place. He wasn't going to talk to AJ about it, and though he knew, really knew that Kevin didn't want to hear it, he really didn't have anywhere else to go.
"Brian's straight," Howie said after cornering Kevin near the lunch table. He handed Kevin a jar of peanut butter.
"I know," Kevin said.
"No, I mean, he's really very straight, Kev."
Kevin grabbed two slices of bread and a jar of jelly. "Okay."
"He's not even - he's not even getting off on this. I'm mean physically. At all."
"I'm trying to make a sandwich here, Howie."
"Do you want to know what I think?"
"Not really, but you're going to tell me, aren't you. Because this is all my fault."
"Brian likes kissing, He likes kissing because he thinks it's romantic and he thinks it's sexy and because it's something that people get off on and a lot of times, they don't get enough of it. He likes foreplay and he's good at it. He likes making everyone around him feel good, and so naturally, he sees that he's making me feel good and he wants to keep doing it. But he's not attracted to me. He's not attracted to men. He's just attracted to, you know, giving and stuff."
"Giving and stuff," Kevin repeated.
"Yes," Howie said. "And here's the thing. It's not me. Brian's not really that interested in me in particular. So here's what I think. Nick. Nick is interested in Brian. And Brian for five days has free reign to make me feel as good as he wants to make me feel. So what's the difference if he spends those five days making Nick feel good instead?"
"This is all really more than I need to hear," Kevin said.
"Okay," Howie nodded. "I guess I just wanted you to know that you were wrong. Brian's not bisexual at all. Maybe half a percent. Maybe."
Kevin bit into his sandwich. "He's Brian. I never really thought that he was. I just like arguing with him."
Howie narrowed his eyes. "I hate you, you know that."
"Whatever, Brian's getting you off. Brian's all about the foreplay. You love me right now. You're just not man enough to admit it."
**
"What is that?" Howie said, when Brian set down the brown paper bag, which hit the table with a thud.
"Tequila," Brian said.
Howie started shaking his head. "No way." The last time Howie'd had tequila, it was not a pretty sight. At all. And Brian should remember this, because if Howie remembered it correctly, and Howie didn't actually remember most of it, but this he was pretty sure he did, Howie ruined a pair of Brian's favorite sneakers that night.
"It's really good tequila," Brian qualified. As if it would make a difference the next morning.
"No," Howie said, but Brian was already pouring two shots and when Brian pulled a salt shaker out of his back pocket Howie sighed and reached for it.
**
"Howie," Brian said, and licked lime from Howie's neck. He traced a line of kisses up to Howie's ear and then bit Howie's earlobe, which was really really something Howie never thought Brian would do. But Howie liked it and Brian could tell, so Brian did it again.
"I hate tequila," Howie said, and pulled Brian over so that Brian's next kiss landed on his lips. "We shouldn't be doing this."
"Why not?" Brian asked.
"I don't know," Howie said. "Nick."
"Nick doesn't want me. I talked to him."
"He won't tell us," Howie said, and kissed Brian's nose. Brian made a face. "We should get someone else. We should have Kevin talk to him. Kevin's good at this. Not as good as you, but you're too, you know, close."
"Close," Brian repeated, and then his tongue was in Howie's mouth and his hand was on Howie's hip and Brian really was too close.
**
"You know," Brian said, and Howie couldn't believe Brian's brain was still working. Howie's brain wasn't working. Howie's brain was thinking about one thing and one thing only. And he knew he couldn't do anything real with Brian, even now he knew it, but the kissing was really fucking good. And if he could think, which he really couldn't, the whole thing would just confirm what he knew to be true and what he'd already told Kevin, but he couldn't think, so the fact that Brian wasn't aroused by this at all seemed pretty impossible.
"What?" Howie asked, once he'd managed to form words.
"Nick's really really gorgeous."
"What?" Howie said and pulled away a little. He hadn't actually started to formulate his plan to get Brian and Nick together, but he'd at least thought it would take some creativity. A little more than a bottle of tequila and a heavy make-out session. It couldn't be this easy.
"I mean, he's big, and blonde and everyone's always saying Nick has a really nice mouth," Brian said.
"He does, I guess. You have a nice mouth."
"He's tall," Brian continued. "His eyes are very blue."
"He's really big," Howie agreed. Howie didn't think about these things, he never thought about these things, but Brian started it, and Howie was drunk, and a drunk Howie could admit that Nick's shear size did turn him on. Just a little. Or kind of a lot, when he didn't actively think about how Nick shouldn't turn him on. He'd gotten pretty good at it though and it had become pretty automatic, not thinking about the fact that Nick really was incredibly gorgeous.
"He's got really long fingers," Brian said.
Kevin was gorgeous too, but Nick was gorgeous in a much more accessible way than Kevin. Howie wasn't sure if that made sense.
"Tall," Howie said. "I have a thing for height."
"Nick's very tall," Brian agreed. "And broad. That's the word, right? Broad. He's got a nice nose."
Howie laughed. "A nice nose?"
"I notice noses, okay? That's what happens when you've got a large one."
"Your nose isn't that large," Howie said.
"You don't have to lie to me. You've already got me in bed. Or on the bed anyway."
The hard part about being a Backstreet Boy was that no one cared about your personal space. Which was sometimes okay. It was sometimes even kind of nice. But it could also be incredibly frustrating, particularly when your bandmate, who you mostly thought of as a little brother and very much wanted to keep it that way, had a way of flirting and a certain art for invading personal space. The thing with Nick was, and Howie hadn't actually really thought about this before, the thing was that Nick was so magnetic that it didn't really matter what your gender or sexual preference was. Howie had a hard time feeling that there was anyone who could resist Nick if Nick really set his mind on them. It scared Howie a little.
Howie sat up and slapped Brian's shoulder. At this point he might as well just go for it. "You should - you've got what? Four days? Before you need to get this out of your system and get back to your real life or whatever it is we're doing, which I still don't really get?"
Brian shrugged. "I guess."
"You should kiss Nick," Howie said.
"Why?"
"He's got a nice nose," Howie started listing. "He's tall. He's got long fingers, and blue eyes, and a really really fantastic ass. I bet Nick is a good kisser. A great kisser."
"A great ass," Brian said. "We forgot that one, didn't we."
"And he wants you, Brian. And he likes - he likes to be kissed. I think."
The thing that Howie didn't get was if Nick could get anyone that he really wanted, and Howie had a hard time believing that Nick didn't realize that he could, why would Nick sit around and watch while Howie fooled around with Brian? Except that Howie was Nick's friend, and Nick usually tried really hard to keep his friends happy. And Brian was married, and nothing that happened now could or should change that. But still, Nick could have a few days. A few days with Brian.
"Let's call him," Howie suggested.
"What? Are you pimping me out now?" Brian asked, but he was laughing and reaching for his phone too.
"I'm not pimping, but Brian, think about it. It's not like you chose me, you know?"
Brian shrugged and stopped dialing Nick's room number. "I kind of did. I didn't have to kiss you. I mean, I don't want you to think that this is all just some kind of - I love you, Howie."
"I know," Howie said. "And you love Nick too."
Brian nodded. "I do."
"Call him," Howie said.
Brian laughed. "I am. I am! Nick? Hey, buddy, you weren't sleeping were you? Good. Listen, can you come down to Howie's room for - what? No. We aren't going to make you - No! Nick, I promise that there will be no making out in front of you. Yes, we are drunk. No. No. I know. I wouldn't - Nick, I know what you said. I do listen to you." Brian put his hand around the receiver and tried to muffle the conversation. "Nick, it's not what you think, okay? Just come down here, please. Okay. Don't lie to me. Okay. Thank you."
"He's coming?"
"Yes," Brian said. "He's coming. And it sounds like he might really really need some tequila, so I'm uh, I'm going to go down to the bar and get some more limes. I'll be right back, okay?"
"Maybe I should go," Howie suggested. "You should be here when - hey, I could just go now, so that you two can be alone and stuff. Just give me your room key. I'll go. You can have my room."
Brian pushed Howie back down on the bed and kissed him once on the mouth. "I'll be back before he even gets here."
**
Brian didn't make it back before Nick got there.
"What?" Nick asked. Nick was wearing his glasses. His hair was pressed flat on his head in the front, but stuck up every which way in the back. It was soft and free of gel. Howie wanted to touch it.
"You wanna come in?" Howie stood aside to let Brian into the room.
"Not really," Nick said. "Where Brian?"
"He went down to the bar, he'll be right back. Come in."
"I don't -" Howie pulled on Nick's arm and Nick stumbled a little and entered the room. "Ow." Nick rubbed his shoulder. "You don't need to dislocate my shoulder."
Howie watched as Nick took in the shot glasses and the rumpled bedspread and then Howie's face. Nick was really tall. Really very tall. And broad.
"You're tall," Howie said. "And you should wear your glasses more often."
Nick gave him a look and then replied, "I don't want to be here."
Howie sighed and sat on the edge of the bed. "You're already here. You might as well stay."
Nick crossed his arms over his chest and leaned stubbornly against the wall.
"Do you want a shot of tequila? There are no limes, but -"
Nick stared at the tequila and the shot glasses and the limes and then said, "You must really hate me."
"What?" Howie stumbled a little, not sure what to say to that. "No, I - Nick, I don't hate you. I'm going to leave as soon as Brian gets back and - I don't hate you."
"I think Brian might," Nick mumbled.
"Brian loves you."
Nick laughed. "Great."
"Nick, that's why he called. You talked, right? You two talked? About stuff?"
Nick narrowed his eyes and pushed himself away from the wall. "He told you? He told you what we talked about? That's what this is about?"
"Well, no, but, I mean, I know what you talked about," Howie said and watched as Nick gripped his hair with both hands and paced toward the door. Nick really did have an incredible ass. "You've got a great ass, you know that, right?"
"What?" Nick said, turning back to face Howie.
"Nicky, come here," Howie said from the bed. He just meant to hug Nick and he was pretty sure he said something to that effect. Nick was good to hug. Nick was a good person to hug if you were not very good when it came to hugging.
"You're plastered," Nick said.
Howie gestured toward the tequila and this time Nick walked toward it, poured himself a shot, downed it and then poured himself another. He cringed and turned back toward Howie.
"The last time you drank tequila you threw up on Brian's shoes," Nick said, staring down into the empty shot glass. Nick sat down on the bed beside Howie. "Where did you say Brian went again?"
"I don't think Brian's coming back," Howie said, and then realized after he said it that it was probably true. "You know," Howie continued, thinking that maybe this was his chance to just tell Nick how he thought the next week should go. "You can have anyone that you want."
Nick blinked at him and rolled the shot glass in the palm of his hand.
"I mean, if you try. You know that you can."
"You're plastered," Nick said again. Nick licked his lips. He was always doing that. He should carry chapstick with him, but he never did. Nick's mouth really was pretty amazing and even sitting down, Nick seemed so tall. It was overwhelming. Almost. Howie put a hand on Nick's chest.
"What are you doing?" Nick asked and then laughed. "You're being so weird right now."
Nick was still laughing when Howie kissed him and it was like Howie had flipped a switch in Nick's brain. The laughter was gone instantly and Nick was gripping Howie's shoulders hard, pulling Howie down onto the bed with him, kissing Howie's mouth, and when Howie's hands grabbed the fabric of Nick's shirt, Nick rushed to pull it over his head, his glasses getting stuck and then coming off too. As soon as Nick was free of his shirt he began pulling Howie's off too.
"You're sure," Nick started to say, but he didn't finish the thought and his hands were working to unbutton the front of Howie's jeans. Howie moved beneath Nick's fingers, helped Nick push down his boxers and when Nick pressed his body to Howie's and Howie felt Nick's arousal against his thigh, it was Howie's turn to laugh, a nervous short burst.
"What?" Nick asked, almost pulled away, but Howie was quick to pull him back down, quick to claim Nick's mouth with his own. Nick didn't need more encouragement than that. His hands felt like they were everywhere at once, and when his hands weren't there, Nick's mouth was. He was trying to memorize every part of Howie's body, taste every inch, and there was no question that this turned Nick on. No question at all that Nick was in this because he wanted to be, because he wanted Howie. Howie was surprised by how much of a relief that was. And there was a part of him, a small part that was aware that it was all a bad idea, much worse than any of the other bad ideas that he'd ignored in the last weeks. But there was a much larger part, the part that wanted Nick too, the part that had tried not to ever ever think about this happening ever, the part that was saturated with tequila and already aroused before Nick even got there. There was know way that that part was giving this up.
**
"Oh God," Howie said. He'd been sitting there for an hour, his hand playing gently with Nick's hair. He'd tried the whole praying it was a hallucination thing. It hadn't worked and he'd given up after fifteen minutes. He tried convincing himself that nothing had actually happened. They'd fallen asleep and it was all completely innocent. That didn't exactly work as well as usual. Howie remembered the entire evening. There was nothing innocent about it.
He stopped trying to figure out an alternative excuse after half an hour and started trying to piece together how exactly they'd ended up where they were. He'd started it. That much he knew. But he kept going back to one thing. Brian. Brian had never returned from the bar.
Howie found his cellphone underneath one of Nick's socks and tried to call Brian, only to discover that Brian had left his cellphone sitting next to a pile of leftover limes. And then he'd gone down to the bar to get more.
"Oh God," Howie said, again. Nick made a noise in his sleep and Howie jumped. The room suddenly felt half the size it had just a moment earlier.
He had to get out. He knew that he should stay, wake Nick up, apologize. He knew that, but there was no way he could stay there. He needed air. He needed to think. He couldn't think in his room. Not with Nick there.
Howie started pulling on his clothes.
**
He went for a run. He fought with his bodyguard. He took a shower in the hotel's spa. And then he went in search of Brian, who he finally found in AJ's bodyguard's hotel room, eating pancakes and talking to AJ about sports. AJ has his headphones on and was nodding every once in a while. AJ knew less about sports than Howie did. AJ's bodyguard wasn't even there.
"You did that on purpose," Howie said, as soon as Brian let him into the hotel room.
"Howie, you're overreacting," Brian said, immediately. And it sounded like Brian had rehearsed it, because Howie was just starting to overreact. He hadn't even started yet.
"Oh, that's nice. You really get off on messing with people, don't you."
"I don't even know what you're talking about!"
"You got me drunk. On purpose."
"Well," Brian seemed to weigh his answer. "Yes."
"You got me aroused. On purpose."
AJ stopped eating his pancakes and raised his eyebrows instead.
"Yes," Brian agreed.
AJ took off his headphones and leaned a little closer. Howie gave him a look and then continued.
"And then you called Nick into the room and left me there with him!"
"So?"
"So, I was drunk! And horny! And you'd just spent half an hour telling me how hot you think Nick is! And you probably delivered a bottle of tequila to Nicky's room too. Am I right? You lie, and you manipulate, Brian. You mess everything up just to see how it'll fall back into place."
"What? No," Brian said. "I didn't mean to - Nick wasn't drunk, at least, I didn't get him drunk."
"This is so fucked up," Howie said.
"This really is fucked up," AJ agreed and then he seemed to think about it for a minute before adding, "You know, with our record, you'd think we would have already covered this sort of drama at some point in the last, what twelve years? Thirteen? I lose track."
"Shut up, AJ."
"I'm just saying."
"AJ," Brian warned.
"Have either of you seen Nick? Was he upset?" Howie asked. He knew it was probably a stupid question.
"Of course he's upset," Brian snapped. "He's in love with you and we've been torturing him for weeks without knowing what we were really doing. What do you expect Nick to be?"
Howie stopped pacing. "Wait, what?"
**
"Nick's not in love with me," Howie said after Brian had finally managed to kick AJ out of the dressing room. "He's not in love with me."
"Howie, I talked to him. He didn't say 'love' exactly, but yes. He's in love with you."
"Nick's not - Nick loves me, but not. Nick's never said -"
"You know, I think if I could, I would probably try to have something with you. I think we could make something work," Brian said, and it sounded sincere. It probably was sincere, despite the fact that Howie wanted to be pissed, because deep down Howie knew that that was the kind of guy that Brian was. Sometimes Howie hated that.
"You could not," Howie snapped. "You're not even - you're straight, Brian. You're not even attracted to me."
Brian shook his head. "I could be," he said. "I think I could be."
"You couldn't. I really don't think you could. You just wish you could be because you like being everything for everybody, but you can't be. No matter how good making me feel good makes you feel."
Brian looked confused, as though he was trying to translate Howie's words. "I'm married. Happily married, and we both know that though there are sparks - and there are definitely sparks, Howie." Howie snapped his mouth shut. "Sorry, you looked like you were going to protest again. Though there are definitely sparks, we can't really - nothing can come of it."
"Brian, you don't have to - you're straight. I knew that when this started. We both did. You don't have to lie to spare my feelings. I knew what I was getting into. I didn't expect, you know, anything really. I didn't even expect what I got."
Brian shrugged. "I guess it doesn't matter now, does it?"
Howie shook his head. "I guess not."
"But that's not my point anyway. My point is that Nick can have something with you. You can have something with Nick. And really, when you think about it, it makes perfect sense in a way."
"What?" Howie said. "No, it doesn't. It makes no sense. And I don't - I didn't expect for this whole thing to end up with me with one of you. It's not even - It's a horrible idea! You know it is. Nick knows it is."
Brian sat down and put his head in his hands. "How did this become the most fucked up game of matchmaker ever?"
Howie stared at Brian for a moment and neither of them said anything. Brian stared at the floor and Howie stared at the thinning hair at the top of Brian's head. And then Howie laughed.
"What?" Brian asked. He looked concerned.
"I slept with Nicky."
"Yeah?"
"I mean, we were naked. I slept with him, Brian. That's not the same thing as making out with you. It's going to fuck things up. It already is fucking things up."
"Nick should be naked all the time," Brian said quietly.
Howie shook his head. "Don't do that. I know what you're trying to do. It won't work."
"I'm just saying that sometimes it's hard to get Nick to keep his clothes on."
"Brian, stop. It was good, okay? Is that what you want? You want me to admit that it was pretty amazing and that I haven't stopped thinking about it since I ran out of my own hotel room? Because I haven't. I don't need you to make your little comments just to make sure I'm thinking about what you want me to think about. I'm thinking about it, okay?"
"You think I'm manipulative," Brian stated.
"Yes."
Brian nodded. "I'm trying to help."
"Oh, you're always trying to help. It's what you do. It's annoying and sometimes it gets a little slimey and no one wants to tell you because your intentions are always good."
"I'm slimey?" Brian repeated as though he was hearing the word for the first time. Howie sort of wished he could take it back. He didn't really think that slimey was what he meant.
"I can't deal with this," Howie said. He couldn't.
"Howie," Brian said. "Yes, you can."
"No, this is too much. This is why you should never sleep with your co-workers. I need - I need a vacation, I need a drink. I just need some fucking space."
"Howie," Brian said again, not willing to give up, which Howie really should have expected because it was just another one of those obnoxious Brian traits that got them into this mess in the first place. "Nick's gorgeous. He's got a great nose, a fantastic ass, you've seen his mouth. And he's like a freakin' giant. And he's in love with you. You don't need a vacation. And you don't need your space, but if you really want it, we could always get you your own bus. You know we'd do it. You do need to sit down and think rationally about this, because you've done nothing but worry about what Nick's going through for weeks now. I'm telling you what Nick's been going through, and I think if you breathe and push aside the fact that you're angry at me, you'll realize that -"
"What?" Howie interrupted. "That I love Nick too?"
Brian sighed. "Maybe. I don't know." And then he left Howie alone in the dressing room.
**
Nick was sitting on the edge of the stage with Kevin and Kristin. Kristin was rubbing her hand in small circles on Nick's back.
Kevin heard Howie coming first and nudged Kristin. They stood up in unison and Kevin gave Howie a look that would have caused another argument if Howie didn't have more important things to work out.
"Hey," Howie said, coming up to stand behind Nick.
"Kevin told me that you thought I had a thing for Brian," Nick said, though he refused to look at Howie. "I don't."
Howie nodded. "I know." He sat down on the edge of the stage, a safe distance from where Nick was sitting.
"I really don't."
Howie thought about moving closer to Nick and then changed his mind. He kicked his foot against the side of the stage. "That's a good thing, really," Howie said. "Brian's really very straight. And married."
"I know," Nick said.
"So, um," Howie didn't really want to just come right out and say it. "You've, um, never - you've never really seemed interested before."
Nick shrugged. "I don't think I ever thought it was an option before."
"But I've, I mean, you knew I was gay, obviously. I've dated people. I've been in serious relationships. Real relationships, not like this mess with Brian. Whatever it was."
Nick made a face and finally looked at Howie.
"Well, I've been in one real relationship. And you were okay with that."
"I know," Nick said. "I liked Gary. But that's different. Gary wasn't, you know, a Backstreet Boy. I mean, you shouldn't lust after your bandmates, you know? You don't sleep with your bandmates. So I didn't."
"Brian thinks you're in love with me."
"Brian sucks," Nick said, and then thought about it a little and added, "I don't know. I mean, it's kind of new, isn't it? I love you, of course, and apparently I get really jealous when you make out with, you know, and you're like really really good at the whole drunken sex thing."
Howie laughed.
"You're not really very good at the morning after stuff though, are you?"
"I think I can learn to be better at it."
"I don't want you to just, you know. You shouldn't do anything just because you feel like I want you to. Or because Brian wants you to. I don't want that."
Howie nodded and this time he did move closer to Nick. "I don't want that either."
Nick nodded. "Good."
"I don't think I'm ready to jump into a relationship. Not with you."
Nick looked down and then nodded again. Howie reached out to touch Nick and then settled for resting a hand on the stage instead.
"Not because I don't want to be with you ever, Nick. I just think - you're right. You don't sleep with your co-workers. You don't rush into this kind of thing. We've known each other forever. I don't want to rush into this. We need to know what we're getting into first."
Nick looked up at Howie. "I kind of think we've been not rushing into this for a long time."
Howie shrugged. "It won't hurt us to not rush just a little longer."
Nick was quiet and Howie was tempted to keep talking, try to fill the silence, but he didn't really have anything else to add. He knew what would happen. It would happen the same way things had happened with Howie and Brian. It would start with one kiss. The first kiss would turn into a second. And then a third. Maybe. If they made it that far. Howie thought they might end up right back where they'd ended up last night before they even reached a third kiss. And then there would be no fighting it. Because Howie was okay with casual, but Nick fell fast. And hard. And Howie loved that about him.
"Nicky," Howie said, and he took Nick's hand, pressed his thumb to Nick's wrist and then pulled. Nick laughed a little, surprised, but slid toward Howie easily, moving closer until their thighs touched. Howie didn't let go of Nick's wrist.
"This isn't a smart place to do this," Nick pointed out.
Howie was about to blow caution to the wind, close the distance between them and let whoever might be watching, watch. He was about to, but Nick was quick and strong and pulling Howie to his feet before Howie could protest. He pushed Howie toward the wings, laughing when Howie almost tripped, catching him and continuing to move. It wasn't long until Nick had guided them into a secluded corner and lifted Howie onto a dusty table, pushing aside some wires and a piece of a broken microphone. When Nick finally moved in to kiss Howie, he was a little two eager, and Howie was a little to turned on by being manhandled. He moved forward just as Nick was moving in, the angle was all wrong, their noses hit and Nick jumped back, rubbed his, and laughed.
"Ow," Nick said, and grinned. It probably should have ruined the moment. It didn't.
R
The Bee's Knees, pt. 2
Howie cleared his throat. He could hear AJ snoring above him.
"Nick," Howie said, quietly. He didn't think that Nick was asleep. He thought about just shutting up, rolling over, closing his eyes, and trying to will himself to sleep. But he was sure Nick was awake. Nick had coughed just moments earlier. He tried again.
"Nick."
AJ snored and then Howie heard rustling and Nick's curtain opened.
"What?" Nick asked.
Now that Nick was staring at him, obviously annoyed, it was pretty clear that Howie was making a mistake bringing up the subject at all. But he had to tell someone, and Nick was right there.
"I - Brian and I - I don't think he - "
Nick squeezed his eyes shut and held up his hands. "Great. You know what, I'm trying to sleep. Don't say anything else, okay? I don't need to picture this. Why do you tell me these things?"
"Nick," Howie said. "Do you want me to stop?"
"I want you to stop explaining every detail of your love life to me, yes." Nick moved to close his curtain back up.
"No, I mean, you want me to stop with Brian? Everything?"
Nick sighed and rolled onto his back. "I don't care what you do with Brian."
"Because, Nicky, it kind of seems like you do." Howie didn't really want to admit that there was a part of him that wanted Nick to care. Howie didn't know what he'd gotten himself into anymore.
"I don't. I just don't want to know about it," Nick said. "Please." Nick turned his back to Howie and took a deep breath. "Good night."
Howie closed his eyes and tried to sleep.
**
Nick didn't want to know about it, which didn't really surprise Howie. He shouldn't have gone to Nick with this in the first place. He wasn't going to talk to AJ about it, and though he knew, really knew that Kevin didn't want to hear it, he really didn't have anywhere else to go.
"Brian's straight," Howie said after cornering Kevin near the lunch table. He handed Kevin a jar of peanut butter.
"I know," Kevin said.
"No, I mean, he's really very straight, Kev."
Kevin grabbed two slices of bread and a jar of jelly. "Okay."
"He's not even - he's not even getting off on this. I'm mean physically. At all."
"I'm trying to make a sandwich here, Howie."
"Do you want to know what I think?"
"Not really, but you're going to tell me, aren't you. Because this is all my fault."
"Brian likes kissing, He likes kissing because he thinks it's romantic and he thinks it's sexy and because it's something that people get off on and a lot of times, they don't get enough of it. He likes foreplay and he's good at it. He likes making everyone around him feel good, and so naturally, he sees that he's making me feel good and he wants to keep doing it. But he's not attracted to me. He's not attracted to men. He's just attracted to, you know, giving and stuff."
"Giving and stuff," Kevin repeated.
"Yes," Howie said. "And here's the thing. It's not me. Brian's not really that interested in me in particular. So here's what I think. Nick. Nick is interested in Brian. And Brian for five days has free reign to make me feel as good as he wants to make me feel. So what's the difference if he spends those five days making Nick feel good instead?"
"This is all really more than I need to hear," Kevin said.
"Okay," Howie nodded. "I guess I just wanted you to know that you were wrong. Brian's not bisexual at all. Maybe half a percent. Maybe."
Kevin bit into his sandwich. "He's Brian. I never really thought that he was. I just like arguing with him."
Howie narrowed his eyes. "I hate you, you know that."
"Whatever, Brian's getting you off. Brian's all about the foreplay. You love me right now. You're just not man enough to admit it."
**
"What is that?" Howie said, when Brian set down the brown paper bag, which hit the table with a thud.
"Tequila," Brian said.
Howie started shaking his head. "No way." The last time Howie'd had tequila, it was not a pretty sight. At all. And Brian should remember this, because if Howie remembered it correctly, and Howie didn't actually remember most of it, but this he was pretty sure he did, Howie ruined a pair of Brian's favorite sneakers that night.
"It's really good tequila," Brian qualified. As if it would make a difference the next morning.
"No," Howie said, but Brian was already pouring two shots and when Brian pulled a salt shaker out of his back pocket Howie sighed and reached for it.
**
"Howie," Brian said, and licked lime from Howie's neck. He traced a line of kisses up to Howie's ear and then bit Howie's earlobe, which was really really something Howie never thought Brian would do. But Howie liked it and Brian could tell, so Brian did it again.
"I hate tequila," Howie said, and pulled Brian over so that Brian's next kiss landed on his lips. "We shouldn't be doing this."
"Why not?" Brian asked.
"I don't know," Howie said. "Nick."
"Nick doesn't want me. I talked to him."
"He won't tell us," Howie said, and kissed Brian's nose. Brian made a face. "We should get someone else. We should have Kevin talk to him. Kevin's good at this. Not as good as you, but you're too, you know, close."
"Close," Brian repeated, and then his tongue was in Howie's mouth and his hand was on Howie's hip and Brian really was too close.
**
"You know," Brian said, and Howie couldn't believe Brian's brain was still working. Howie's brain wasn't working. Howie's brain was thinking about one thing and one thing only. And he knew he couldn't do anything real with Brian, even now he knew it, but the kissing was really fucking good. And if he could think, which he really couldn't, the whole thing would just confirm what he knew to be true and what he'd already told Kevin, but he couldn't think, so the fact that Brian wasn't aroused by this at all seemed pretty impossible.
"What?" Howie asked, once he'd managed to form words.
"Nick's really really gorgeous."
"What?" Howie said and pulled away a little. He hadn't actually started to formulate his plan to get Brian and Nick together, but he'd at least thought it would take some creativity. A little more than a bottle of tequila and a heavy make-out session. It couldn't be this easy.
"I mean, he's big, and blonde and everyone's always saying Nick has a really nice mouth," Brian said.
"He does, I guess. You have a nice mouth."
"He's tall," Brian continued. "His eyes are very blue."
"He's really big," Howie agreed. Howie didn't think about these things, he never thought about these things, but Brian started it, and Howie was drunk, and a drunk Howie could admit that Nick's shear size did turn him on. Just a little. Or kind of a lot, when he didn't actively think about how Nick shouldn't turn him on. He'd gotten pretty good at it though and it had become pretty automatic, not thinking about the fact that Nick really was incredibly gorgeous.
"He's got really long fingers," Brian said.
Kevin was gorgeous too, but Nick was gorgeous in a much more accessible way than Kevin. Howie wasn't sure if that made sense.
"Tall," Howie said. "I have a thing for height."
"Nick's very tall," Brian agreed. "And broad. That's the word, right? Broad. He's got a nice nose."
Howie laughed. "A nice nose?"
"I notice noses, okay? That's what happens when you've got a large one."
"Your nose isn't that large," Howie said.
"You don't have to lie to me. You've already got me in bed. Or on the bed anyway."
The hard part about being a Backstreet Boy was that no one cared about your personal space. Which was sometimes okay. It was sometimes even kind of nice. But it could also be incredibly frustrating, particularly when your bandmate, who you mostly thought of as a little brother and very much wanted to keep it that way, had a way of flirting and a certain art for invading personal space. The thing with Nick was, and Howie hadn't actually really thought about this before, the thing was that Nick was so magnetic that it didn't really matter what your gender or sexual preference was. Howie had a hard time feeling that there was anyone who could resist Nick if Nick really set his mind on them. It scared Howie a little.
Howie sat up and slapped Brian's shoulder. At this point he might as well just go for it. "You should - you've got what? Four days? Before you need to get this out of your system and get back to your real life or whatever it is we're doing, which I still don't really get?"
Brian shrugged. "I guess."
"You should kiss Nick," Howie said.
"Why?"
"He's got a nice nose," Howie started listing. "He's tall. He's got long fingers, and blue eyes, and a really really fantastic ass. I bet Nick is a good kisser. A great kisser."
"A great ass," Brian said. "We forgot that one, didn't we."
"And he wants you, Brian. And he likes - he likes to be kissed. I think."
The thing that Howie didn't get was if Nick could get anyone that he really wanted, and Howie had a hard time believing that Nick didn't realize that he could, why would Nick sit around and watch while Howie fooled around with Brian? Except that Howie was Nick's friend, and Nick usually tried really hard to keep his friends happy. And Brian was married, and nothing that happened now could or should change that. But still, Nick could have a few days. A few days with Brian.
"Let's call him," Howie suggested.
"What? Are you pimping me out now?" Brian asked, but he was laughing and reaching for his phone too.
"I'm not pimping, but Brian, think about it. It's not like you chose me, you know?"
Brian shrugged and stopped dialing Nick's room number. "I kind of did. I didn't have to kiss you. I mean, I don't want you to think that this is all just some kind of - I love you, Howie."
"I know," Howie said. "And you love Nick too."
Brian nodded. "I do."
"Call him," Howie said.
Brian laughed. "I am. I am! Nick? Hey, buddy, you weren't sleeping were you? Good. Listen, can you come down to Howie's room for - what? No. We aren't going to make you - No! Nick, I promise that there will be no making out in front of you. Yes, we are drunk. No. No. I know. I wouldn't - Nick, I know what you said. I do listen to you." Brian put his hand around the receiver and tried to muffle the conversation. "Nick, it's not what you think, okay? Just come down here, please. Okay. Don't lie to me. Okay. Thank you."
"He's coming?"
"Yes," Brian said. "He's coming. And it sounds like he might really really need some tequila, so I'm uh, I'm going to go down to the bar and get some more limes. I'll be right back, okay?"
"Maybe I should go," Howie suggested. "You should be here when - hey, I could just go now, so that you two can be alone and stuff. Just give me your room key. I'll go. You can have my room."
Brian pushed Howie back down on the bed and kissed him once on the mouth. "I'll be back before he even gets here."
**
Brian didn't make it back before Nick got there.
"What?" Nick asked. Nick was wearing his glasses. His hair was pressed flat on his head in the front, but stuck up every which way in the back. It was soft and free of gel. Howie wanted to touch it.
"You wanna come in?" Howie stood aside to let Brian into the room.
"Not really," Nick said. "Where Brian?"
"He went down to the bar, he'll be right back. Come in."
"I don't -" Howie pulled on Nick's arm and Nick stumbled a little and entered the room. "Ow." Nick rubbed his shoulder. "You don't need to dislocate my shoulder."
Howie watched as Nick took in the shot glasses and the rumpled bedspread and then Howie's face. Nick was really tall. Really very tall. And broad.
"You're tall," Howie said. "And you should wear your glasses more often."
Nick gave him a look and then replied, "I don't want to be here."
Howie sighed and sat on the edge of the bed. "You're already here. You might as well stay."
Nick crossed his arms over his chest and leaned stubbornly against the wall.
"Do you want a shot of tequila? There are no limes, but -"
Nick stared at the tequila and the shot glasses and the limes and then said, "You must really hate me."
"What?" Howie stumbled a little, not sure what to say to that. "No, I - Nick, I don't hate you. I'm going to leave as soon as Brian gets back and - I don't hate you."
"I think Brian might," Nick mumbled.
"Brian loves you."
Nick laughed. "Great."
"Nick, that's why he called. You talked, right? You two talked? About stuff?"
Nick narrowed his eyes and pushed himself away from the wall. "He told you? He told you what we talked about? That's what this is about?"
"Well, no, but, I mean, I know what you talked about," Howie said and watched as Nick gripped his hair with both hands and paced toward the door. Nick really did have an incredible ass. "You've got a great ass, you know that, right?"
"What?" Nick said, turning back to face Howie.
"Nicky, come here," Howie said from the bed. He just meant to hug Nick and he was pretty sure he said something to that effect. Nick was good to hug. Nick was a good person to hug if you were not very good when it came to hugging.
"You're plastered," Nick said.
Howie gestured toward the tequila and this time Nick walked toward it, poured himself a shot, downed it and then poured himself another. He cringed and turned back toward Howie.
"The last time you drank tequila you threw up on Brian's shoes," Nick said, staring down into the empty shot glass. Nick sat down on the bed beside Howie. "Where did you say Brian went again?"
"I don't think Brian's coming back," Howie said, and then realized after he said it that it was probably true. "You know," Howie continued, thinking that maybe this was his chance to just tell Nick how he thought the next week should go. "You can have anyone that you want."
Nick blinked at him and rolled the shot glass in the palm of his hand.
"I mean, if you try. You know that you can."
"You're plastered," Nick said again. Nick licked his lips. He was always doing that. He should carry chapstick with him, but he never did. Nick's mouth really was pretty amazing and even sitting down, Nick seemed so tall. It was overwhelming. Almost. Howie put a hand on Nick's chest.
"What are you doing?" Nick asked and then laughed. "You're being so weird right now."
Nick was still laughing when Howie kissed him and it was like Howie had flipped a switch in Nick's brain. The laughter was gone instantly and Nick was gripping Howie's shoulders hard, pulling Howie down onto the bed with him, kissing Howie's mouth, and when Howie's hands grabbed the fabric of Nick's shirt, Nick rushed to pull it over his head, his glasses getting stuck and then coming off too. As soon as Nick was free of his shirt he began pulling Howie's off too.
"You're sure," Nick started to say, but he didn't finish the thought and his hands were working to unbutton the front of Howie's jeans. Howie moved beneath Nick's fingers, helped Nick push down his boxers and when Nick pressed his body to Howie's and Howie felt Nick's arousal against his thigh, it was Howie's turn to laugh, a nervous short burst.
"What?" Nick asked, almost pulled away, but Howie was quick to pull him back down, quick to claim Nick's mouth with his own. Nick didn't need more encouragement than that. His hands felt like they were everywhere at once, and when his hands weren't there, Nick's mouth was. He was trying to memorize every part of Howie's body, taste every inch, and there was no question that this turned Nick on. No question at all that Nick was in this because he wanted to be, because he wanted Howie. Howie was surprised by how much of a relief that was. And there was a part of him, a small part that was aware that it was all a bad idea, much worse than any of the other bad ideas that he'd ignored in the last weeks. But there was a much larger part, the part that wanted Nick too, the part that had tried not to ever ever think about this happening ever, the part that was saturated with tequila and already aroused before Nick even got there. There was know way that that part was giving this up.
**
"Oh God," Howie said. He'd been sitting there for an hour, his hand playing gently with Nick's hair. He'd tried the whole praying it was a hallucination thing. It hadn't worked and he'd given up after fifteen minutes. He tried convincing himself that nothing had actually happened. They'd fallen asleep and it was all completely innocent. That didn't exactly work as well as usual. Howie remembered the entire evening. There was nothing innocent about it.
He stopped trying to figure out an alternative excuse after half an hour and started trying to piece together how exactly they'd ended up where they were. He'd started it. That much he knew. But he kept going back to one thing. Brian. Brian had never returned from the bar.
Howie found his cellphone underneath one of Nick's socks and tried to call Brian, only to discover that Brian had left his cellphone sitting next to a pile of leftover limes. And then he'd gone down to the bar to get more.
"Oh God," Howie said, again. Nick made a noise in his sleep and Howie jumped. The room suddenly felt half the size it had just a moment earlier.
He had to get out. He knew that he should stay, wake Nick up, apologize. He knew that, but there was no way he could stay there. He needed air. He needed to think. He couldn't think in his room. Not with Nick there.
Howie started pulling on his clothes.
**
He went for a run. He fought with his bodyguard. He took a shower in the hotel's spa. And then he went in search of Brian, who he finally found in AJ's bodyguard's hotel room, eating pancakes and talking to AJ about sports. AJ has his headphones on and was nodding every once in a while. AJ knew less about sports than Howie did. AJ's bodyguard wasn't even there.
"You did that on purpose," Howie said, as soon as Brian let him into the hotel room.
"Howie, you're overreacting," Brian said, immediately. And it sounded like Brian had rehearsed it, because Howie was just starting to overreact. He hadn't even started yet.
"Oh, that's nice. You really get off on messing with people, don't you."
"I don't even know what you're talking about!"
"You got me drunk. On purpose."
"Well," Brian seemed to weigh his answer. "Yes."
"You got me aroused. On purpose."
AJ stopped eating his pancakes and raised his eyebrows instead.
"Yes," Brian agreed.
AJ took off his headphones and leaned a little closer. Howie gave him a look and then continued.
"And then you called Nick into the room and left me there with him!"
"So?"
"So, I was drunk! And horny! And you'd just spent half an hour telling me how hot you think Nick is! And you probably delivered a bottle of tequila to Nicky's room too. Am I right? You lie, and you manipulate, Brian. You mess everything up just to see how it'll fall back into place."
"What? No," Brian said. "I didn't mean to - Nick wasn't drunk, at least, I didn't get him drunk."
"This is so fucked up," Howie said.
"This really is fucked up," AJ agreed and then he seemed to think about it for a minute before adding, "You know, with our record, you'd think we would have already covered this sort of drama at some point in the last, what twelve years? Thirteen? I lose track."
"Shut up, AJ."
"I'm just saying."
"AJ," Brian warned.
"Have either of you seen Nick? Was he upset?" Howie asked. He knew it was probably a stupid question.
"Of course he's upset," Brian snapped. "He's in love with you and we've been torturing him for weeks without knowing what we were really doing. What do you expect Nick to be?"
Howie stopped pacing. "Wait, what?"
**
"Nick's not in love with me," Howie said after Brian had finally managed to kick AJ out of the dressing room. "He's not in love with me."
"Howie, I talked to him. He didn't say 'love' exactly, but yes. He's in love with you."
"Nick's not - Nick loves me, but not. Nick's never said -"
"You know, I think if I could, I would probably try to have something with you. I think we could make something work," Brian said, and it sounded sincere. It probably was sincere, despite the fact that Howie wanted to be pissed, because deep down Howie knew that that was the kind of guy that Brian was. Sometimes Howie hated that.
"You could not," Howie snapped. "You're not even - you're straight, Brian. You're not even attracted to me."
Brian shook his head. "I could be," he said. "I think I could be."
"You couldn't. I really don't think you could. You just wish you could be because you like being everything for everybody, but you can't be. No matter how good making me feel good makes you feel."
Brian looked confused, as though he was trying to translate Howie's words. "I'm married. Happily married, and we both know that though there are sparks - and there are definitely sparks, Howie." Howie snapped his mouth shut. "Sorry, you looked like you were going to protest again. Though there are definitely sparks, we can't really - nothing can come of it."
"Brian, you don't have to - you're straight. I knew that when this started. We both did. You don't have to lie to spare my feelings. I knew what I was getting into. I didn't expect, you know, anything really. I didn't even expect what I got."
Brian shrugged. "I guess it doesn't matter now, does it?"
Howie shook his head. "I guess not."
"But that's not my point anyway. My point is that Nick can have something with you. You can have something with Nick. And really, when you think about it, it makes perfect sense in a way."
"What?" Howie said. "No, it doesn't. It makes no sense. And I don't - I didn't expect for this whole thing to end up with me with one of you. It's not even - It's a horrible idea! You know it is. Nick knows it is."
Brian sat down and put his head in his hands. "How did this become the most fucked up game of matchmaker ever?"
Howie stared at Brian for a moment and neither of them said anything. Brian stared at the floor and Howie stared at the thinning hair at the top of Brian's head. And then Howie laughed.
"What?" Brian asked. He looked concerned.
"I slept with Nicky."
"Yeah?"
"I mean, we were naked. I slept with him, Brian. That's not the same thing as making out with you. It's going to fuck things up. It already is fucking things up."
"Nick should be naked all the time," Brian said quietly.
Howie shook his head. "Don't do that. I know what you're trying to do. It won't work."
"I'm just saying that sometimes it's hard to get Nick to keep his clothes on."
"Brian, stop. It was good, okay? Is that what you want? You want me to admit that it was pretty amazing and that I haven't stopped thinking about it since I ran out of my own hotel room? Because I haven't. I don't need you to make your little comments just to make sure I'm thinking about what you want me to think about. I'm thinking about it, okay?"
"You think I'm manipulative," Brian stated.
"Yes."
Brian nodded. "I'm trying to help."
"Oh, you're always trying to help. It's what you do. It's annoying and sometimes it gets a little slimey and no one wants to tell you because your intentions are always good."
"I'm slimey?" Brian repeated as though he was hearing the word for the first time. Howie sort of wished he could take it back. He didn't really think that slimey was what he meant.
"I can't deal with this," Howie said. He couldn't.
"Howie," Brian said. "Yes, you can."
"No, this is too much. This is why you should never sleep with your co-workers. I need - I need a vacation, I need a drink. I just need some fucking space."
"Howie," Brian said again, not willing to give up, which Howie really should have expected because it was just another one of those obnoxious Brian traits that got them into this mess in the first place. "Nick's gorgeous. He's got a great nose, a fantastic ass, you've seen his mouth. And he's like a freakin' giant. And he's in love with you. You don't need a vacation. And you don't need your space, but if you really want it, we could always get you your own bus. You know we'd do it. You do need to sit down and think rationally about this, because you've done nothing but worry about what Nick's going through for weeks now. I'm telling you what Nick's been going through, and I think if you breathe and push aside the fact that you're angry at me, you'll realize that -"
"What?" Howie interrupted. "That I love Nick too?"
Brian sighed. "Maybe. I don't know." And then he left Howie alone in the dressing room.
**
Nick was sitting on the edge of the stage with Kevin and Kristin. Kristin was rubbing her hand in small circles on Nick's back.
Kevin heard Howie coming first and nudged Kristin. They stood up in unison and Kevin gave Howie a look that would have caused another argument if Howie didn't have more important things to work out.
"Hey," Howie said, coming up to stand behind Nick.
"Kevin told me that you thought I had a thing for Brian," Nick said, though he refused to look at Howie. "I don't."
Howie nodded. "I know." He sat down on the edge of the stage, a safe distance from where Nick was sitting.
"I really don't."
Howie thought about moving closer to Nick and then changed his mind. He kicked his foot against the side of the stage. "That's a good thing, really," Howie said. "Brian's really very straight. And married."
"I know," Nick said.
"So, um," Howie didn't really want to just come right out and say it. "You've, um, never - you've never really seemed interested before."
Nick shrugged. "I don't think I ever thought it was an option before."
"But I've, I mean, you knew I was gay, obviously. I've dated people. I've been in serious relationships. Real relationships, not like this mess with Brian. Whatever it was."
Nick made a face and finally looked at Howie.
"Well, I've been in one real relationship. And you were okay with that."
"I know," Nick said. "I liked Gary. But that's different. Gary wasn't, you know, a Backstreet Boy. I mean, you shouldn't lust after your bandmates, you know? You don't sleep with your bandmates. So I didn't."
"Brian thinks you're in love with me."
"Brian sucks," Nick said, and then thought about it a little and added, "I don't know. I mean, it's kind of new, isn't it? I love you, of course, and apparently I get really jealous when you make out with, you know, and you're like really really good at the whole drunken sex thing."
Howie laughed.
"You're not really very good at the morning after stuff though, are you?"
"I think I can learn to be better at it."
"I don't want you to just, you know. You shouldn't do anything just because you feel like I want you to. Or because Brian wants you to. I don't want that."
Howie nodded and this time he did move closer to Nick. "I don't want that either."
Nick nodded. "Good."
"I don't think I'm ready to jump into a relationship. Not with you."
Nick looked down and then nodded again. Howie reached out to touch Nick and then settled for resting a hand on the stage instead.
"Not because I don't want to be with you ever, Nick. I just think - you're right. You don't sleep with your co-workers. You don't rush into this kind of thing. We've known each other forever. I don't want to rush into this. We need to know what we're getting into first."
Nick looked up at Howie. "I kind of think we've been not rushing into this for a long time."
Howie shrugged. "It won't hurt us to not rush just a little longer."
Nick was quiet and Howie was tempted to keep talking, try to fill the silence, but he didn't really have anything else to add. He knew what would happen. It would happen the same way things had happened with Howie and Brian. It would start with one kiss. The first kiss would turn into a second. And then a third. Maybe. If they made it that far. Howie thought they might end up right back where they'd ended up last night before they even reached a third kiss. And then there would be no fighting it. Because Howie was okay with casual, but Nick fell fast. And hard. And Howie loved that about him.
"Nicky," Howie said, and he took Nick's hand, pressed his thumb to Nick's wrist and then pulled. Nick laughed a little, surprised, but slid toward Howie easily, moving closer until their thighs touched. Howie didn't let go of Nick's wrist.
"This isn't a smart place to do this," Nick pointed out.
Howie was about to blow caution to the wind, close the distance between them and let whoever might be watching, watch. He was about to, but Nick was quick and strong and pulling Howie to his feet before Howie could protest. He pushed Howie toward the wings, laughing when Howie almost tripped, catching him and continuing to move. It wasn't long until Nick had guided them into a secluded corner and lifted Howie onto a dusty table, pushing aside some wires and a piece of a broken microphone. When Nick finally moved in to kiss Howie, he was a little two eager, and Howie was a little to turned on by being manhandled. He moved forward just as Nick was moving in, the angle was all wrong, their noses hit and Nick jumped back, rubbed his, and laughed.
"Ow," Nick said, and grinned. It probably should have ruined the moment. It didn't.