Fic - Popslash - The Bee's Knees - 1/2
Brian/Howie, Howie/Nick
I suck at rating, but let's call this R
The Bee's Knees, pt 1
"It's not for me," Brian said, just as Howie stepped onto the bus.
"How would you know? Kevin asked. "You've never tried it."
Brian, clearly controlling his voice in an attempt to keep Kevin calm, agreed. "True. I haven't. But you have, and if it was so fantastic, why'd you marry a woman?" Well, Brian sort of agreed anyway.
Kevin's face turned a little red and Howie hesitated in the doorway, contemplated rushing back to the other bus before they pulled out of the parking lot. Howie'd come to expect things from Brian and Kevin's bus. He expected things from Nick and AJ's bus too. On Nick and AJ's bus he expected bickering and yelling and groupies and playboy models and farting contests. On Nick and AJ's bus, Howie ended up playing group mediator a lot of the time and that was okay because he expected it. They needed that from him, and Howie ended up spending more time on Nick and AJ's bus than he did on Brian and Kevin's.
On Brian and Kevin's bus, Howie expected wives and children and cartoons. He expected a certain level of maturity. He expected a frosted breakfast in the morning and little sticky fingers all over his clothes, but he also expected the little sticky fingers to be in bed shortly after the bus pulled away from the venue and then Howie expected a relaxing bus ride with a glass of wine, good conversation, and no one trying to paint his toenails black.
Usually, at least in the case of the buses, Howie got what he expected. When he didn't, on those unusual nights when AJ and Nick were calm and subdued, when someone, usually Kevin, managed to get everyone else on his bus riled up about one issue or another, Howie wasn't quite sure what to do with himself.
"It wasn't even like-" Kevin was frustrated, flustered. "I was with Kris before anything with Greg even - Kristin is everything to me, and I'm sorry, man. I just don't really think that has anything to do with gender. And the fact that I love Kris and will be with Kris doesn't change the fact that physically, being with a guy? It was pretty fucking amazing. Howie, back me up here."
And now it was too late for Howie to escape. He felt the bus jerk a little as it started to roll out of the lot and Howie threw his bag on the couch and said "Um. I don't - what's going on?"
Brian rolled his eyes. "It's Kevin's annual 'try something new' rant. It's ridiculous. I mean, last time it was sushi, and okay. I tried that sashimi thing and the California roll and whatever else it was that you tossed on my plate, and it wasn't as gross as I thought it would be, but come on, man. You read an article on some website and all of a sudden it's all 'Brian, why haven't you ever slept with a man?' Really, what kind of question is that?"
"I just think that if you were open-minded and -"
"Hold up," Brian cut Kevin off with a short laugh. "Open-minded? You're kidding, right?"
"I'm not saying that you're not open-minded, I'm just saying don't knock it till you try it, you know?"
"But where are you hearing the knocking, dude? You say 'You know, this article says blab blah percentage of people have had same sex experiences. You ever fool around with a guy?' I say 'Nope.' You say 'I did. It was awesome.' I say 'That's cool. I remember Greg. He was a nice guy.' And you jump down my throat! Howie, have I ever been close-minded about any of your relationships?"
Howie sighed and went to the fridge for that glass of wine. He was starting to think he'd need it. "What relationships?"
"See?" Brian said and Howie was pretty sure that Brian hadn't even heard his response.
"Okay," Kevin conceded. "I still think it's a valuable life experience and it's one that you're lacking."
"I think I'll survive. I have tried sushi after all. Last year you said that a piece of my life was missing because I'd never tried sushi, and you know what? It was okay. I didn't even gag. But it wasn't exactly life fulfillment wrapped in rice."
"What if Baylee turns out to be gay? Wouldn't you want to know what your son is going through?"
Howie downed half a glass of wine and poured himself some more. "Wine, anyone?"
"Please," Kevin said emphatically.
"No, thank you. I'll be able to be there just fine for my son if that turns out to be the case. I don't think I need to cheat on my wife in order to do that."
"Oh, you know I wasn't saying you should - I wouldn't tell you to - Brian," Kevin sputtered and then looked to Howie for help or possibly for the glass of wine. Howie handed him the wine.
Brian had stopped talking and was staring at Howie now.
"Do you want a glass?" Howie asked, though he was sure he'd remembered Brian declining the wine a moment earlier. Brian kept staring at Howie until Howie put the glass down and said, "What?"
Howie was really starting to miss the relaxing evening he would have had getting a pedicure on Nick and AJ's bus.
"Okay," Brian said and seemed to snap out of it. "How about this. I kiss Howie. Howie's a man. I'll kiss Howie and you'll be happy, you'll shut up and I'll be happy. And Howie'll be, well, Howie just looks kind of scared right now, but two of us will be happy. And two out of three? Well, it ain't bad." Brian smiled and turned to Kevin.
Kevin shrugged. "Okay."
"Wait," Howie said.
"Come on," Brian insisted. "Kevin thinks kissing me will enrich your life."
"Why don't you kiss Kevin?" Howie suggested and his voice cracked a little. Embarassing.
"Incest isn't until next year," Brian joked and then quickly turned to Kevin. "Which was not a statement against either kissing men or kissing you. Just so we're clear."
"Shut up," Kevin grumbled.
"Howie, sit down," Brian ordered.
Howie gripped the counter. "Why can't you do it standing up?"
"I don't want to. Sit down. Please."
"Howie," Kevin said, as though Howie was just trying to be contrary and it was all just so exhausting for Kevin to have to put up with. It was Kevin's Nick voice.
"Fine," Howie grumbled. He downed his glass of wine, setting down the glass a little too hard and then he sat down. "Okay?"
"Thank you," Brian said, and then climbed into Howie's lap, straddling Howie, his hands on Howie's shoulders.
"Is this really necessary?" Howie asked, uncomfortable. Howie liked personal space. He'd always liked personal space. The problem with being a Backstreet Boy was that no one cared that Howie liked personal space.
"Yes," Brian said, and pressed a finger to Howie's mouth. "Now shut up."
"Brian -" Howie started, but was cut off by Brian's lips. Brian's kisses were short, quick, as though Brian was testing the water, and Howie thought okay, this he could handle. Brian will make his point and Kevin will drink his wine and Brian will get out of Howie's lap and that would be that.
"Y'all are very convincing," Kevin said, dryly. "None of this is at all awkward to watch."
Brian gripped Howie's shoulders a bit harder with Kevin's words and the next kiss was longer and there was a little movement this time, a flutter of breath against Howie's lips. Howie gasped and shifted beneath Brian and his hands crept up from the cushion to rest on Brian's knees. It was ridiculous. The whole thing was ridiculous and Howie really couldn't believe Brian had even suggested it.
"So what do you think?" Kevin asked. Howie opened his eyes and saw Kevin take a sip of his wine. Kevin looked like he was trying really hard to be both uninterested in the kissing and yet interested in Brian's reaction. And then Howie felt Brian trying to kiss his mouth open and Howie made a noise in his throat and watched Kevin shift in his seat and turn away. Howie fought Brian a bit, tried to bring things back down to the quick light kisses, which were nice, really nice, and they brought with them a slight chance that Howie would be able to get Brian out of his lap before Brian realized that Howie was aroused by the whole ridiculous act.
It almost worked too. Brian went along with the short chaste kisses, kissing along Howie's lower lip, down to Howie's jawline, and then back up again to the corner of Howie's mouth. And then he moved, just a slight movement of his hips and that was it. Howie knew then that there was no fucking way Brian was fooled. Brian knew exactly what he was doing to Howie, had known all along. Howie felt his ears start to burn and his hands pushed at Brian's knees.
"Okay," Howie said. "Brian, okay. Come on, man."
Brian kissed Howie one last time, muffled Howie's protest and then climbed out of Howie's lap and collapsed onto the couch beside him. His body rested comfortably against Howie's side. Howie almost hated Brian right then.
Howie coughed and closed his eyes for a second and he was pretty sure that he heard Brian say "Sorry," but it was hard to tell over the ringing in his ears.
When Howie opened his eyes, Kevin was watching them.
Kevin crossed his legs, took another sip of his wine, and raised his eyebrows.
Brian shrugged against Howie's side. "Not bad," he said. "Better than the California roll."
Howie choked a little. He didn't even want to think about the fact that Brian was comparing him to sushi. Mostly, Howie was just glad that AJ was not there because Howie knew there was some sort of sick joke in there just waiting to be made.
"Um," Howie said after a long awkward pause.
"I told you it would shut Kevin up," Brian said, and it was probably Howie's imagination, but Brian's voice sounded a little smaller now.
Kevin didn't say anything, just took another sip of his wine.
"Right," Howie said, determined to get things back to normal. "I think I need a drink. Bri?"
"Oh God, yes," Brian said, and pressed a hand against Howie's thigh for leverage as he pushed himself up off the couch and walked the four steps to the counter where Howie had left the wine and the glasses.
**
"So, um, Brian's a good kisser," Howie said the next day to Nick.
"Huh?"
"Brian's a good kisser."
Nick pulled his sweaty t-shirt over his head and then tossed it into a pile in the corner. "No, I heard you. I just wouldn't have guessed it."
"Yeah," Howie agreed.
Nick wiped his chest off with a towel and then pulled on a clean shirt. "Huh," he said again.
"Brian's a good kisser and he didn't even want to kiss me. Imagine how good he would be if he wanted to and wasn't doing it just because Kevin told him to."
Nick was quiet for a minute as he pulled a comb through his hair. "huh."
"Yeah," Howie said and then stopped. "Actually, imagining that probably isn't a very good idea."
Nick made a noise and tossed a towel at Howie. Howie'd just kind of been standing there, still wearing his clothes from the show, but the towel that Nick tossed hit him in the face and Howie remembered what he was supposed to be doing. He wiped his face and dropped the towel onto a nearby table.
"Um," Nick said, looking up when AJ entered the dressing room, singing to himself. "What the hell are you guys doing on that bus, anyway?"
"Nothing," Howie said quickly.
"So like, are you going to be riding over there from now on? Am I gonna have to kiss you to make you hang out with me now?"
"What?" Howie asked, and was kind of stumped by the hurt looked on Nick's face. "No, you don't have to kiss me."
"I don't even want to know what you two are going on about," AJ said from across the room. The room was small, so across the room was practically right next to Howie and Nick.
"So I guess I'll see you tomorrow then," Nick said and knocked Howie's shoulder. Nick was changed and ready before Howie had even taken off his shoes. It had been a strange couple of days.
"Nicky," Howie said, just as Nick was about to disappear into the hall. "I'll see you in twenty minutes. I'm not riding on that bus tonight, Nick. I'm staying as far away from those two freaks as I can until their wives come back."
Nick shrugged as though he wasn't just acting kind of pissed about the whole thing. "Whatever."
"Dude. Kevin managed to scare you off? I'm impressed" AJ said when Nick had gone.
**
Everything was fine after that. Kristin was back on tour, though Leigh and Baylee were still in Atlanta. Howie blushed around Brian, because the whole thing was just embarrassing, and Brian seemed to think it was pretty funny, and Howie stuck to Nick and AJ's bus and even let AJ paint his toenails black.
"I told AJ that you think Brian's a good kisser," Nick said over a cup of coffee early one morning. There was something about the movement of the bus that woke Nick up in a way that a hotel bed never could.
Howie was still half asleep. He cradled the mug in his hands and breathed deep. "Why?"
"He was saying something about something, and I don't know. It just came up. I don't remember."
Howie shrugged. "I don't care," he said. It's not like Brian kissing him was some big secret.
"Okay," Nick said. "AJ was surprised too."
"That Brian was a good kisser?"
"No, that Brian was kissing you."
"He wasn't kissing me."
"Okay," Nick said. "I think I'm going to make eggs or something. Do you want toast?"
**
"So Rok," AJ started after the show a few days later. He turned to Howie and winked. "Howie here is spreading rumors that you've got a talented mouth."
"Ew," Nick said and crossed his arms over his chest. Kristin brushed a hand through his hair and Nick knocked it away, but then smiled apologetically.
"Oh yeah? That's very nice of him. Kissing Howie was a very life changing thing," Brian said, and then smiled over at Kevin. Kevin made a face. "You know what I mean, Kev?"
Nick sat up. "Kevin kissed Howie too?"
"What? No!"
"Okay, D, don't get all worked up about it," Kevin grumbled.
"Brian's not kissing me either."
"That's not what I've heard," AJ said and nudged Nick. Nick slapped his arm.
The problem was that Howie was an easy target. Howie had always been an easy target. And AJ, Brian, even Nick? They loved easy targets. And so predictably they loved Howie. Which would have been nice, if loving Howie didn’t go hand in hand with torturing Howie. Usually Kevin was Howie's only ally, but now it appeared that even Kevin was turning on him.
"Ask him. He'll do it again if you want him to. Anything to prove a point, right?"
"Well, not anything," Brian said. "Sashimi? I'm done with that. I'm not proving any more points with sashimi." Kevin glared and Brian sighed dramatically. "Kevin's jealous."
"Go ahead," Kevin prodded AJ. "Ask him."
"Guys," Howie said, and it was supposed to sound like a warning, but it came off a little too 'aw, shucks' and Howie could feel himself blush a little.
"Leave Howie alone," Nick said, and pinched AJ.
"Ouch, weasel. Geez. You're like twelve."
"Nick's right," Kristin said and she was trying to be serious, but even Howie could hear the smile in her voice. Howie missed Leighanne. Leighanne wouldn't think this was funny. Leighanne would roll her eyes and swat at Brian until Brian conceded and let the whole thing drop. Leighanne hated when they picked on the little guy. And now Howie was even thinking of himself as the little guy, which was just kind of sad when he thought about it.
"You're not fooling anyone, Kris," Kevin said and Howie's face was red. He could feel it. Howie really missed Leighanne.
"Well, okay. I'm a little curious. A little," Kristin conceded. "I mean, they're not two people who you'd think - It's not an easy thing to picture. You and AJ, I can picture that happening. AJ will kiss just about anyone, so that's not hard. Howie and Nick," Kristin's shoulders bounced as though she was weighing the idea. "I can maybe see that, but Howie and Brian just comes up blank."
"You're picturing us kissing," AJ said. "I don't know if I'm disturbed by it or a little turned on."
"I'm not picturing it," Kristin clarified. "I mean, it's not something I've thought about on a day to day basis."
"This is so inappropriate," Nick grumbled, and AJ looked at him like he was insane.
"I think I just can't picture Brian kissing anyone," Kristin admitted.
"I think that should offend me," Brian countered, immediately, though he didn't sound very offended at all.
"I'm disturbed," Nick said.
"No shit," AJ snapped. "Brian, kiss Howie."
Howie wasn't expecting it. He jumped. "What?!"
"Kiss him," AJ said.
And then Brian was standing next to him, a hand on Howie's shoulder.
Howie put his hands up. "You know, I really - I like my space, and no offense, Bri, but right now I'd really like you to stand a little further away, if you don't mind. It's just, you know, it's this tour and living on a bus and there's not, there's not a lot of space on a bus, and we're just, you're too close."
Brian squeezed his shoulder, massaged a bit, but didn't move away. "Howie," he said. "Close your eyes."
"Oh God," Nick said, and shut his own eyes, covering them with his hands.
Howie looked at Nick and then back at Brian.
"I won't make you sit down this time," Brian said and then he kissed Howie.
Howie was surprised and Brian had no trouble at all this time easing Howie's mouth open, breathing in Howie's breath, tentatively touching Howie's tongue. It was weird. It was really fucking weird kissing Brian like this while everyone watched. While everyone except Nick watched, because Howie couldn’t see him anymore, but he knew Nick was still covering his face. That was weird too.
"Okay," Kevin said. "Okay. We get the point."
Howie blinked and backed away from Brian. The whole thing was so quick this time, and Howie was thankful for that, because the kiss was ten times more arousing than all the kisses that they'd shared a few nights earlier.
AJ's mouth was hanging open, his hand gripping Nick's in an attempt to keep Nick's hands from covering Nick's face. Nick's eyes were squeezed shut and he opened one, saw that it was all over and pulled his hands from AJ's grip.
"Okay then," AJ said, and nodded appreciatively.
"Well," Kristin cleared her throat. "I can picture it now."
**
"I wish you hadn't done that," Howie said, shortly after the bus pulled away from the venue. They had a day off tomorrow, and none of them could wait to get to the hotel. Nick was staring out the window, his knee twitching, restless.
"Oh, come on," AJ said. "I saw your face. You enjoyed it."
Howie shook his head. "It's fun for him. He thinks he's messing with Kevin. It doesn't mean anything and I just - I don't think he gets it."
"Gets what?" Nick asked from the couch, his knee still bouncing.
"Nevermind."
"Gets what?" Nick asked again.
"I don't think he gets that he's messing with me. He thinks it's some kind of game."
"Oh," Nick said. "So you like, want him?"
"No," Howie shook his head. "No, I mean. He's a good kisser. That's all."
"So you want him," AJ repeated, except this time it was a statement.
"I don't want him."
"Want me to tell him to quit playin' games with your heart?" AJ asked and Nick snorted and went back to staring out the window.
"I hate you," Howie grumbled.
"I hate that song," Nick said.
"Oh, you know you love that song," AJ countered, and then did a mock rendition of Howie and Nick's stair dance, except without the stairs.
"Okay, maybe I like it a little," Nick agreed and then kicked AJ as AJ passed.
Howie had to admit that he liked it a little too, despite the fact that they'd sung it God knew how many times in the last decade or so. He liked it enough that he was a little more than disappointed during their next concert when the time came for Nick to call Howie to the steps and Howie turned to see that Nick wasn't there. Nick was on the other side of the stage, one arm slung around AJ's shoulders, singing away. It was the same the next night, and the night after that, when not only did Nick snub him on stage, he snubbed him in the dressing room afterward too. Howie looked around and his eyes met Brian and Brian shrugged and shook his head, and it wasn’t until then that Howie realized that Nick was snubbing Brian too.
**
"What's going on with you?" Howie asked, catching up to Nick backstage and stopping him with a hand on his shoulder.
"Nothing."
"Who are you mad at? Me?"
"No! I'm not mad at you," Nick said and shook his shoulder free of Howie's grip. "You're standing too close."
Howie thought Nick was probably mocking him, but he took a step back anyway.
"Brian?" Howie asked.
"Of course not," Nick said, a little two quickly. He tried to recover. "Brian's the bee's knees."
"The bee's knees," Howie repeated.
"Yeah, Brian's great. Brian's always been great. Brian's perfect. The bee's knees."
Howie laughed. "Brian's far from perfect."
"He's a great kisser," Nick said. It sounded like an accusation.
"So what. A lot of people are great kissers."
Nick shrugged.
"You're mad at Brian," Howie said.
"I'm not mad at - Brian's my best friend."
"So you're mad at me," Howie concluded.
"I'm not mad at anyone! Dude. Leave me alone." And with that Nick walked away.
**
Later, as they passed cornfields and truck stops in the dark, Nick sat down next to Howie in the back of the bus.
"Sorry," he said.
Howie shrugged. "It's okay. You're allowed to be upset. I just, you know, I want to know why is all. I want to know how to fix it."
Nick shrugged. "I don't know what's wrong with me."
"Okay," Howie said.
"I'm not mad at you," Nick said. "I'm sorry."
Howie nodded. He watched Nick for a little while. Watched Nick flip stations on the television, shift a little, trying to get comfortable. He turned and smiled at Howie before moving his eyes back to the television.
"Okay," Howie said again.
**
"So, um, I think Nick's jealous," Howie said when he finally managed to get Brian in a room alone.
"Jealous?" Brian asked.
"I think he's like - I think he might be mad at me for kissing you."
"You didn't kiss me," Brian said, reasonably. "And why would that make Nick jealous? You think Nick maybe wants to kiss you too?"
"What? Of course not. I think he wants to kiss you. But I'm not sure he even knows that's what he wants. He like, he idolizes you. You're his best friend. The bee's knees."
Brian snorted. "The bee's knees. Come on, Howie. Everyone knows that Nick hasn't idolized me in years."
"Come on, Brian. You should know by now that we all kind of idolize you just a little."
Brian looked down. "Well, you probably shouldn't."
Howie raised an eyebrow.
"I'm just saying, I'm maybe not - I'm not the bee's knees, okay?"
"Brian -"
"I'm not."
"You're the definition of -"
"I liked kissing you," Brian said. "I liked it, Howie."
"What?"
Brian just shook his head and turned away. Howie grabbed his shoulder.
"Who cares? It's kissing. Everyone likes kissing."
"I'm not supposed to - Howie, I thought that if I kissed you, and if I kissed you in front of people then it wouldn't feel like anything and it would mean - I don't know what I thought it would mean. It wouldn't mean anything, I guess, but it's not really - Kev was right. I liked it and I want to. I don't know what I want to do. I can't do anything, so I guess it doesn't really matter, does it?"
Brian wasn't perfect. Hadn't Howie said those words to Nick not two days ago? Brian liked to mess with people. Not cruelly mess with people, just - the kind of mess with people that was supposed to be all in good fun, the kind that resulted in toothpaste on your toilet seat and Brian and Nick snickering on the other side of the doorway. Brian liked to mess with people and Brian liked kissing Howie more than Brian thought he should.
"Brian, I'm sorry."
Brian laughed. "What for?"
"I don't know," Howie admitted.
Brian shook his head. "Don't apologize, man. I should be the one apologizing."
Howie shrugged.
They were quiet for a moment. Brian took a step forward and then seemed to think better of it and stepped back a little. "I'm going to go," Brian said. "I wouldn't - I wouldn't worry about Nick. He's Nick, you know? He'll be okay."
"Yeah," Howie agreed.
"Okay," Brian said. "I'm really going now."
Howie went to step out of the way and Brian moved in the same direction. Howie stepped the other way and Brian bumped into him. And then Brian's hands were on Howie's shoulders again and Brian's mouth was pressed against Howie's again and Howie felt the wall against his back.
"Brian," Howie said, but it was muffled against the press of Brian's lips. Brian sucked Howie's bottom lip into his mouth and pressed his hips into Howie's and Howie was absolutely positive that whatever protest he'd been about to make would now come out as no more than a moan.
This shouldn't be happening. Howie thought that maybe that was part of what made it so good. It wasn't the kiss, it was that it was Brian doing the kissing and kissing Brian, it just shouldn't happen. Brian shouldn't be able to do this to him, shouldn't be able to make Howie want to lick Brian's teeth and taste every inch of Brian's skin and Brian definitely shouldn't be allowed to press Howie against a wall and move like Brian knew exactly how to make Howie feel like he was about to completely fall apart.
And then he felt Brian's hands move down his body. He felt Brian's hands run along the top of his jeans and a warning went off in Howie's head. A warning that Howie really wanted to ignore. He tried. He kissed Brian harder, slid his fingers around Brian's wrist, thinking he'd keep Brian's hands there, keep Brian from pulling away, but it didn't feel right. It wasn't right and Howie tightened his grip on Brian's hands and removed them from his waist.
Brian backed away.
"That was a bad idea," Brian said, and Howie was glad that Brian was breathless too.
"Yeah, probably."
"Sorry," Brian said tugged at his own t-shirt. "Sorry."
"I'm going to go," Howie said, and he practically tripped out of the room, bumping into Brian's bodyguard and then turning and coming face to face with the last person he expected to see right then.
"Leigh," Howie said. His face was burning. He tried to control his breathing. He tried not to choke. "Hi."
Leighanne had Baylee propped on one hip and Baylee clapped his hands to his cheeks and laughed at Howie and Howie had his suspicions that Baylee was laughing because Howie was bright red and flustered and panting just a little. Leighanne set Baylee down and pulled Howie in for a hug.
"Baylee missed y'all," Leighanne said. "We both did. He was asking every day when he'd get to go back on that bus."
"Oh. Well, welcome back," Howie said and when Leighanne kissed his cheek he kissed her back. Baylee's hair was long, a mass of blonde curls and Howie mused it a little.
"Have you seen Brian?" Leigh asked, looking from Howie to Brian's bodyguard and back.
"Yeah," Howie said and pointed toward the dressing room. "He's - I was -"
**
Howie was scum. He'd pointed toward the dressing room, mumbled something about seeing them later and then practically ran down the hall and away from the whole lot of them. He avoided Brian during the show, avoided all three of them after the show, and didn't feel safe until he was safely on Nick and AJ's bus with Nick refusing to look at him on one side and AJ not leaving him alone on the other.
"I feel like scum."
"That can't feel good," AJ noted.
"Why? What happened?" Nick asked. He didn't look up from the magazine he was reading.
"I ran into Leigh backstage. She hugged me and kissed my cheek and I had just made out with her husband."
Nick did look up then and made a face. "You'd call that making out? I mean, it was kind of all an act, wasn't it? Not that I saw it or anything, but like, we were all there."
"You guys did it again," AJ said and then laughed, grabbed Nick's magazine from Nick's hand, rolled it up, and hit Howie's leg. Hard. "That's - Good for you, man."
"Ow."
"You made out with Brian?" Nick asked, not even bothering to try to retrieve the magazine from AJ. "Really?"
"It kind of just happened," Howie said, and it sounded lame even as he was saying it.
"So what now?" Nick asked.
"I don't know," Howie said. "Right now, I think I'm just scum."
**
Brian was letting Baylee play with the microphone. Baylee shrieked into it causing some painful reverberation and Leighanne clapped from the sidelines. Howie frowned and picked at his fingernails from the other side of the stage. He felt someone's foot in the small of his back and looked up to find Nick looking down at him. Nick was frowning too.
"Hey," Howie said and patted the stage next to him. He was kind of surprised though, when Nick took the invitation.
"I never thought," Nick said. "Kevin, he and Kristin have cheated on each other and broken up and gotten back together and seen other people and all of that and you kinda just look at them and know they can survive all that stuff and they almost kind of seem better because it all happened, but Brian. I mean, do you think he'll tell her?"
Howie shrugged. "I don't know."
"I don't think - I think if Leighanne leaves Brian then that's it. She's not like - I don't think we'll ever see her again. I mean, we'll have to because of Baylee, but like, we'll never see them together again, you know?"
Howie nodded.
"I feel like - " Nick stopped and kissed Howie's forehead before continuing. It was weird, but kind of comforting in that it was the sort of Nick weird that happened all the time. Howie pushed Nick away.
"You feel like what?"
"Don't get all offended, I just didn't think Brian was the kind of guy who would ever have this problem, you know?"
"I'm scum," Howie said.
"Whatever," Nick shook his head. "It's not like you jumped him or something, right? It's not your fault. You didn't jump him, right?"
"What?" Howie said and eyed Nick. "No, I didn't jump him."
"So like, when you guys were making out before you ran into Leigh yesterday, that was like - you were alone?"
Howie nodded.
"And Brian just kissed you?"
Howie shrugged. He was glad when Nick came over because he thought it meant that Nick was over whatever it was that Nick was upset about, but now he was starting to wish that Nick would stop.
"Was it better?" Nick asked.
"What?"
"Better than when he kissed you because someone told him to."
Howie shrugged again. He'd always kind of thought that Nick had a thing for Brian, even before Brian was married. He thought that it probably sucked to think that you never had a chance with a person only to find out that they were making out with your bandmate. He thought that probably sucked a lot, but maybe not as much as if you were married to a person only to find out that they were making out with their bandmate. He thought that might suck a lot more.
"Was it?" Nick asked again.
"They're right over there. I don't want to talk about it," Howie said. "Yeah. It was better."
**
When Howie turned a corner at the hotel and saw Brian, Leighanne, Kevin, Baylee, and two bodyguards standing there, his first instinct was to run the other way, back to his room where he could bolt the door and not talk to anyone ever. He was about to do just that when Leighanne saw him. "Howie," she said and waved him over.
Howie shut his eyes, tried to collect himself, and then approached the group.
"We're leaving for dinner in a few minutes," Leighanne said. "You're coming?"
"Um," Howie said. "I - I don't know."
"You're coming," Kevin said.
"Uh, Okay," Howie agreed. Baylee was tugging at his sleeve.
"Howie, can I talk to you for a second before we go?" Brian asked.
Howie shrugged and let Brian pull him into a hotel room, which Howie guessed must be Brian's room. There weren't any toys or anything though, so he couldn't say for sure.
"Are you okay?" Brian asked, and he looked really concerned.
Howie shrugged.
"I'm sorry about what happened yesterday. I knew - I should have told you they were on their way."
"That's okay," Howie said and folded his arms across his chest. He watched Brian fidget and thought about how not perfect Brian really was. He knew his wife would be there any minute and he kissed Howie anyway. Howie didn't know what to think anymore.
"I told her."
Howie blinked. "You did?"
"Yeah," Brian said and then he squinted at Howie. "You didn't think I would?"
"I didn't know what you were going to do," Howie said.
"I always planned to tell her," Brian said.
"What did you - what did she say?"
"She called me an idiot when I told her about the argument with Kevin and my solution for the whole thing, and I really did deserve that, didn't I? Cause as far as solutions to an argument go? This one didn't really work, huh? I think idiot might be a little too nice, really. And I told her about the dressing room, just before she showed up, and well, she was upset a little."
Howie nodded.
"With me, and kind of unfairly with Kev, but not with you. I told her that you never. This was all me this entire time."
Howie made a face. "I could have stopped it."
"You did stop it. But I didn't want you to," Brian pointed out. "So even if you'd stopped it sooner, I'm still guilty."
"I don't know," Howie said.
"Anyway, she was upset. She was upset that I'd never done this in college like a normal person. I didn't even go to college! I was going to go to Bible school. And I really really really don't believe that all normal people have made out with someone of the same sex sometime during their youth and 'gotten it out of their system' or, you know, not, whatever the case. I mean, maybe young people now do, but when we were young? Really?"
Howie shrugged. "I'm gay. And a Backstreet Boy. I don't know what normal people did."
"Yeah," Brian sighed. "I don't know what normal people did either."
"So you guys are, um, you're okay?"
"Yeah," Brian said, and he kind of sounded surprised about the whole thing. "Do you know what she said?"
"Um, okay. What?"
"She said that she's leaving next week to visit these friends of ours in Michigan. She'll be gone a week. When she comes back she wants it out of my system."
"What? What does that mean?"
"I don't know," Brian said and then looked around the room. "You know, I booked two rooms. Just in case she didn't want me staying in the same one."
**
Kevin was still in the hallway.
"I hate you," Howie said, brushing by him and down the hall.
"Why?" Kevin said, and he couldn't just let the statement go. Instead he started following Howie down the hall which was exactly what Howie should have known Kevin would do and exactly why Howie should have kept his mouth shut.
Howie made it back to his room and almost managed to shut the door, but Kevin was too quick and managed to get his foot in just as Howie went to slam it.
"Ow," Kevin said, and pushed the door open. "Shit. What did I do."
"What did you do? You started this whole thing! If it wasn't for you I wouldn't be in this mess. Nick wouldn't be mad at me, Brian wouldn't be - I don't even know what Brian's doing. None of this would be happening."
"This is my fault?"
"Well, kind of, yeah!"
"You know that is such bullshit," Kevin said.
"Oh, so you're saying Brian would have just decided to kiss me all on his own? Really, Kev?"
Kevin threw up his hands. "I don't know. Maybe! He didn't have to kiss you the first time, so yes, maybe there was some part of him that wanted to and he used the situation as an excuse. I don't know, Howie. I can't read Brian's mind."
"Shut up," Howie said. "You're an asshole, you know that?"
Kevin sighed. "Are you coming to dinner or what?"
"No, Kevin, I'm not coming to dinner."
**
"You're kidding," Nick said, the next evening on the bus.
Howie shook his head.
"So like, what does that mean? Brian has free reign to kiss you all he wants now? You guys can make out in front of everyone anytime you feel like it? Congratulations. You must be thrilled."
"I don't think that's what it means, Nicky."
"Come on. Don't call me that. That is what it means. It means that for a week, as soon as Leighanne leaves, Brian has permission to kiss you as much as he wants to."
"Nick," Howie protested. "He doesn't want to kiss me that much."
"Of course he does," Nick said. "He does. Leighanne thinks so. If she didn't think so she wouldn't be 'visiting friends', would she?" Nick made the air quotes just as the bus hit a pothole. He gripped onto the bathroom door to steady himself.
"I think she actually was planning to visit friends," Howie said. He'd been playing cards with AJ, but AJ's phone rang and he'd disappeared into the back of the bus, so now Howie was pretty much just sitting at a table in front of a half played game of Spit.
"Yeah, right," Nick snorted and then laughed a little as though he was mad at himself.
"You know, none of this matters," Howie said and started to clean up the card game. "I'm not doing anything with Brian. I won't do anything with Brian." The bus hit another pothole and Nick gripped the door a little harder. "Will you sit down?"
"Yeah, right," Nick said again only this time he wasn't laughing. "This highway sucks. Where the hell are we anyway?"
**
Leighanne and Baylee left for Michigan.
"Here we go," Nick said when Brian left to go with them to the airport.
"What?" AJ asked.
Howie shook his head. "Nothing. Nick, it's nothing."
And it wasn't anything. Howie spent the day with Nick. They went out to lunch and then went to a movie with Kevin and Kristin, and then at soundcheck he made sure to goof around with Nick, and he dragged Nick up the steps during Quit Playin' Games and afterward they conned AJ into a game of monopoly on the bus and Howie didn't even call Nick out on his cheating. It wasn't until Howie was lying in his bunk that he realized he hadn't spoken to Brian or about Brian all day or that he'd done it on purpose.
**
Brian called Howie from his hotel room the next evening.
"Can you come down here?" Brian asked.
"Why?"
"Howie, because."
"I don't want to be your experiment. I'm sorry."
"I just - let's talk, okay?"
**
"I'm not here to do anything but talk," Howie said before he'd even closed the door completely.
"I know," Brian said. "Okay."
"Nick's really really messed up about this, you know - why couldn't you have - you should have kissed Nick."
Brian sighed. "Nick does not want me to kiss him, Howie. He doesn't"
"Yeah, well, I think you're blind."
Brian smiled. "Okay. You know that I love you, right?"
Howie shrugged. "Sure."
"I didn't want to hurt you," Brian said. "I didn't mean to. I shouldn't have kissed you. Any of the times, really, but especially that last time."
Howie shrugged again. "I'm not hurt."
"I'm not going to kiss you again. I just wanted you to know that. We left it up in the air the other day, and so I just wanted to be clear. You don't need to avoid me or not talk to me or any of the other things that I know you've felt lately that you should do."
"I wasn't avoiding you."
Brian smiled. "Yes, you were."
Howie rolled his eyes. "Okay, maybe a little."
"And if you want, I'll talk to Nick, okay?"
Howie nodded. "Thanks. The bee's knees."
"I'm not the bee's knees."
"I know."
"Come here," Brian said, and grabbed Howie's arm, pulled him into a hug. Howie'd never been a good hugger. It went with the personal space thing. It wasn't that he didn't like people, he just didn't feel that comfortable being so damn close to everyone all the time. It didn't seem to stop people from hugging him though. Howie wasn't a good hugger, he didn't hug that much, really, but somehow, as a Backstreet Boy, he ended up getting hugged a lot, and he knew first hand that the rest of the fellas? All excellent huggers.
"Will you just relax?" Brian said against Howie's neck. "It's a hug."
Howie tried to relax, but Brian smelled good and well, Brian's body was completely pressed against his, and Howie's body remembered the last time a little too vividly, and Brian was a really good kisser. Really good.
"Oh," Brian said, suddenly very aware of Howie's body's vivid memory.
"Sorry," Howie said, and tried to pull out of the hug. Brian didn't let him go.
"It's okay," Brian said. "Howie, I -"
And then Howie kissed him. He didn't mean to do it. He didn't plan to do it. He liked to think he had more self control than that. He didn't.
Brian didn't stop him. Everything that Brian had just said seemed to disappear, to have no meaning anymore because Brian was instantly kissing Howie back, forcefully kissing Howie back and in a matter of moments Brian's knees hit the edge of the bed and his legs buckled and he brought Howie down with him.
"I'm sorry," Howie said and tried to climb off of Brian, off the bed. "Sorry."
"Stop apologizing." Brian grabbed Howie's shoulders, pulled Howie down and then rolled so that Brian was the one on top and Howie had no chance of escape. It was exciting, having Brian take control, and Brian seemed to know it. He teased Howie, pressed his thigh against Howie's groin and then kissed Howie's forehead, his cheekbones, hovered directly over Howie's mouth and then decided to kiss down Howie's neck instead.
"I hate you," Howie said, but it was a lie. It was so completely a lie. It was pretty impossible to hate Brian when Brian was slowly, maddeningly, driving Howie insane without even so much as removing Howie's shirt.
It probably should have been humiliating, losing control like that, but the friction of fabric and Brian's mouth on his neck, Brian's hands holding his hips, it was too much, and Howie couldn't hold on. He cried out once and then Brian's mouth covered his, swallowed Howie's moans, continued to move just slightly, just enough to leave Howie twitching with pleasure.
"Brian," Howie said, between kisses, and he tried to reach down between then, tried to return the favor, but Brian's hand found his, Brian's fingers intertwined with his, and then Brian brought Howie's hand to his mouth. Brian's cheeks were flushed and he kissed the backs of Howie's fingers, bit Howie's knuckle lightly and smiled.
"Brian," Howie said again. He moved a little and then he knew. He wasn't sure why he didn't notice it before. He suddenly felt self-absorbed, neglectful, and embarrassed. Howie was getting off in his pants like he was still in high school and Brian wasn't even hard.
"Kiss me," Brian said. "Please."
**
pt. 2
I suck at rating, but let's call this R
The Bee's Knees, pt 1
"It's not for me," Brian said, just as Howie stepped onto the bus.
"How would you know? Kevin asked. "You've never tried it."
Brian, clearly controlling his voice in an attempt to keep Kevin calm, agreed. "True. I haven't. But you have, and if it was so fantastic, why'd you marry a woman?" Well, Brian sort of agreed anyway.
Kevin's face turned a little red and Howie hesitated in the doorway, contemplated rushing back to the other bus before they pulled out of the parking lot. Howie'd come to expect things from Brian and Kevin's bus. He expected things from Nick and AJ's bus too. On Nick and AJ's bus he expected bickering and yelling and groupies and playboy models and farting contests. On Nick and AJ's bus, Howie ended up playing group mediator a lot of the time and that was okay because he expected it. They needed that from him, and Howie ended up spending more time on Nick and AJ's bus than he did on Brian and Kevin's.
On Brian and Kevin's bus, Howie expected wives and children and cartoons. He expected a certain level of maturity. He expected a frosted breakfast in the morning and little sticky fingers all over his clothes, but he also expected the little sticky fingers to be in bed shortly after the bus pulled away from the venue and then Howie expected a relaxing bus ride with a glass of wine, good conversation, and no one trying to paint his toenails black.
Usually, at least in the case of the buses, Howie got what he expected. When he didn't, on those unusual nights when AJ and Nick were calm and subdued, when someone, usually Kevin, managed to get everyone else on his bus riled up about one issue or another, Howie wasn't quite sure what to do with himself.
"It wasn't even like-" Kevin was frustrated, flustered. "I was with Kris before anything with Greg even - Kristin is everything to me, and I'm sorry, man. I just don't really think that has anything to do with gender. And the fact that I love Kris and will be with Kris doesn't change the fact that physically, being with a guy? It was pretty fucking amazing. Howie, back me up here."
And now it was too late for Howie to escape. He felt the bus jerk a little as it started to roll out of the lot and Howie threw his bag on the couch and said "Um. I don't - what's going on?"
Brian rolled his eyes. "It's Kevin's annual 'try something new' rant. It's ridiculous. I mean, last time it was sushi, and okay. I tried that sashimi thing and the California roll and whatever else it was that you tossed on my plate, and it wasn't as gross as I thought it would be, but come on, man. You read an article on some website and all of a sudden it's all 'Brian, why haven't you ever slept with a man?' Really, what kind of question is that?"
"I just think that if you were open-minded and -"
"Hold up," Brian cut Kevin off with a short laugh. "Open-minded? You're kidding, right?"
"I'm not saying that you're not open-minded, I'm just saying don't knock it till you try it, you know?"
"But where are you hearing the knocking, dude? You say 'You know, this article says blab blah percentage of people have had same sex experiences. You ever fool around with a guy?' I say 'Nope.' You say 'I did. It was awesome.' I say 'That's cool. I remember Greg. He was a nice guy.' And you jump down my throat! Howie, have I ever been close-minded about any of your relationships?"
Howie sighed and went to the fridge for that glass of wine. He was starting to think he'd need it. "What relationships?"
"See?" Brian said and Howie was pretty sure that Brian hadn't even heard his response.
"Okay," Kevin conceded. "I still think it's a valuable life experience and it's one that you're lacking."
"I think I'll survive. I have tried sushi after all. Last year you said that a piece of my life was missing because I'd never tried sushi, and you know what? It was okay. I didn't even gag. But it wasn't exactly life fulfillment wrapped in rice."
"What if Baylee turns out to be gay? Wouldn't you want to know what your son is going through?"
Howie downed half a glass of wine and poured himself some more. "Wine, anyone?"
"Please," Kevin said emphatically.
"No, thank you. I'll be able to be there just fine for my son if that turns out to be the case. I don't think I need to cheat on my wife in order to do that."
"Oh, you know I wasn't saying you should - I wouldn't tell you to - Brian," Kevin sputtered and then looked to Howie for help or possibly for the glass of wine. Howie handed him the wine.
Brian had stopped talking and was staring at Howie now.
"Do you want a glass?" Howie asked, though he was sure he'd remembered Brian declining the wine a moment earlier. Brian kept staring at Howie until Howie put the glass down and said, "What?"
Howie was really starting to miss the relaxing evening he would have had getting a pedicure on Nick and AJ's bus.
"Okay," Brian said and seemed to snap out of it. "How about this. I kiss Howie. Howie's a man. I'll kiss Howie and you'll be happy, you'll shut up and I'll be happy. And Howie'll be, well, Howie just looks kind of scared right now, but two of us will be happy. And two out of three? Well, it ain't bad." Brian smiled and turned to Kevin.
Kevin shrugged. "Okay."
"Wait," Howie said.
"Come on," Brian insisted. "Kevin thinks kissing me will enrich your life."
"Why don't you kiss Kevin?" Howie suggested and his voice cracked a little. Embarassing.
"Incest isn't until next year," Brian joked and then quickly turned to Kevin. "Which was not a statement against either kissing men or kissing you. Just so we're clear."
"Shut up," Kevin grumbled.
"Howie, sit down," Brian ordered.
Howie gripped the counter. "Why can't you do it standing up?"
"I don't want to. Sit down. Please."
"Howie," Kevin said, as though Howie was just trying to be contrary and it was all just so exhausting for Kevin to have to put up with. It was Kevin's Nick voice.
"Fine," Howie grumbled. He downed his glass of wine, setting down the glass a little too hard and then he sat down. "Okay?"
"Thank you," Brian said, and then climbed into Howie's lap, straddling Howie, his hands on Howie's shoulders.
"Is this really necessary?" Howie asked, uncomfortable. Howie liked personal space. He'd always liked personal space. The problem with being a Backstreet Boy was that no one cared that Howie liked personal space.
"Yes," Brian said, and pressed a finger to Howie's mouth. "Now shut up."
"Brian -" Howie started, but was cut off by Brian's lips. Brian's kisses were short, quick, as though Brian was testing the water, and Howie thought okay, this he could handle. Brian will make his point and Kevin will drink his wine and Brian will get out of Howie's lap and that would be that.
"Y'all are very convincing," Kevin said, dryly. "None of this is at all awkward to watch."
Brian gripped Howie's shoulders a bit harder with Kevin's words and the next kiss was longer and there was a little movement this time, a flutter of breath against Howie's lips. Howie gasped and shifted beneath Brian and his hands crept up from the cushion to rest on Brian's knees. It was ridiculous. The whole thing was ridiculous and Howie really couldn't believe Brian had even suggested it.
"So what do you think?" Kevin asked. Howie opened his eyes and saw Kevin take a sip of his wine. Kevin looked like he was trying really hard to be both uninterested in the kissing and yet interested in Brian's reaction. And then Howie felt Brian trying to kiss his mouth open and Howie made a noise in his throat and watched Kevin shift in his seat and turn away. Howie fought Brian a bit, tried to bring things back down to the quick light kisses, which were nice, really nice, and they brought with them a slight chance that Howie would be able to get Brian out of his lap before Brian realized that Howie was aroused by the whole ridiculous act.
It almost worked too. Brian went along with the short chaste kisses, kissing along Howie's lower lip, down to Howie's jawline, and then back up again to the corner of Howie's mouth. And then he moved, just a slight movement of his hips and that was it. Howie knew then that there was no fucking way Brian was fooled. Brian knew exactly what he was doing to Howie, had known all along. Howie felt his ears start to burn and his hands pushed at Brian's knees.
"Okay," Howie said. "Brian, okay. Come on, man."
Brian kissed Howie one last time, muffled Howie's protest and then climbed out of Howie's lap and collapsed onto the couch beside him. His body rested comfortably against Howie's side. Howie almost hated Brian right then.
Howie coughed and closed his eyes for a second and he was pretty sure that he heard Brian say "Sorry," but it was hard to tell over the ringing in his ears.
When Howie opened his eyes, Kevin was watching them.
Kevin crossed his legs, took another sip of his wine, and raised his eyebrows.
Brian shrugged against Howie's side. "Not bad," he said. "Better than the California roll."
Howie choked a little. He didn't even want to think about the fact that Brian was comparing him to sushi. Mostly, Howie was just glad that AJ was not there because Howie knew there was some sort of sick joke in there just waiting to be made.
"Um," Howie said after a long awkward pause.
"I told you it would shut Kevin up," Brian said, and it was probably Howie's imagination, but Brian's voice sounded a little smaller now.
Kevin didn't say anything, just took another sip of his wine.
"Right," Howie said, determined to get things back to normal. "I think I need a drink. Bri?"
"Oh God, yes," Brian said, and pressed a hand against Howie's thigh for leverage as he pushed himself up off the couch and walked the four steps to the counter where Howie had left the wine and the glasses.
**
"So, um, Brian's a good kisser," Howie said the next day to Nick.
"Huh?"
"Brian's a good kisser."
Nick pulled his sweaty t-shirt over his head and then tossed it into a pile in the corner. "No, I heard you. I just wouldn't have guessed it."
"Yeah," Howie agreed.
Nick wiped his chest off with a towel and then pulled on a clean shirt. "Huh," he said again.
"Brian's a good kisser and he didn't even want to kiss me. Imagine how good he would be if he wanted to and wasn't doing it just because Kevin told him to."
Nick was quiet for a minute as he pulled a comb through his hair. "huh."
"Yeah," Howie said and then stopped. "Actually, imagining that probably isn't a very good idea."
Nick made a noise and tossed a towel at Howie. Howie'd just kind of been standing there, still wearing his clothes from the show, but the towel that Nick tossed hit him in the face and Howie remembered what he was supposed to be doing. He wiped his face and dropped the towel onto a nearby table.
"Um," Nick said, looking up when AJ entered the dressing room, singing to himself. "What the hell are you guys doing on that bus, anyway?"
"Nothing," Howie said quickly.
"So like, are you going to be riding over there from now on? Am I gonna have to kiss you to make you hang out with me now?"
"What?" Howie asked, and was kind of stumped by the hurt looked on Nick's face. "No, you don't have to kiss me."
"I don't even want to know what you two are going on about," AJ said from across the room. The room was small, so across the room was practically right next to Howie and Nick.
"So I guess I'll see you tomorrow then," Nick said and knocked Howie's shoulder. Nick was changed and ready before Howie had even taken off his shoes. It had been a strange couple of days.
"Nicky," Howie said, just as Nick was about to disappear into the hall. "I'll see you in twenty minutes. I'm not riding on that bus tonight, Nick. I'm staying as far away from those two freaks as I can until their wives come back."
Nick shrugged as though he wasn't just acting kind of pissed about the whole thing. "Whatever."
"Dude. Kevin managed to scare you off? I'm impressed" AJ said when Nick had gone.
**
Everything was fine after that. Kristin was back on tour, though Leigh and Baylee were still in Atlanta. Howie blushed around Brian, because the whole thing was just embarrassing, and Brian seemed to think it was pretty funny, and Howie stuck to Nick and AJ's bus and even let AJ paint his toenails black.
"I told AJ that you think Brian's a good kisser," Nick said over a cup of coffee early one morning. There was something about the movement of the bus that woke Nick up in a way that a hotel bed never could.
Howie was still half asleep. He cradled the mug in his hands and breathed deep. "Why?"
"He was saying something about something, and I don't know. It just came up. I don't remember."
Howie shrugged. "I don't care," he said. It's not like Brian kissing him was some big secret.
"Okay," Nick said. "AJ was surprised too."
"That Brian was a good kisser?"
"No, that Brian was kissing you."
"He wasn't kissing me."
"Okay," Nick said. "I think I'm going to make eggs or something. Do you want toast?"
**
"So Rok," AJ started after the show a few days later. He turned to Howie and winked. "Howie here is spreading rumors that you've got a talented mouth."
"Ew," Nick said and crossed his arms over his chest. Kristin brushed a hand through his hair and Nick knocked it away, but then smiled apologetically.
"Oh yeah? That's very nice of him. Kissing Howie was a very life changing thing," Brian said, and then smiled over at Kevin. Kevin made a face. "You know what I mean, Kev?"
Nick sat up. "Kevin kissed Howie too?"
"What? No!"
"Okay, D, don't get all worked up about it," Kevin grumbled.
"Brian's not kissing me either."
"That's not what I've heard," AJ said and nudged Nick. Nick slapped his arm.
The problem was that Howie was an easy target. Howie had always been an easy target. And AJ, Brian, even Nick? They loved easy targets. And so predictably they loved Howie. Which would have been nice, if loving Howie didn’t go hand in hand with torturing Howie. Usually Kevin was Howie's only ally, but now it appeared that even Kevin was turning on him.
"Ask him. He'll do it again if you want him to. Anything to prove a point, right?"
"Well, not anything," Brian said. "Sashimi? I'm done with that. I'm not proving any more points with sashimi." Kevin glared and Brian sighed dramatically. "Kevin's jealous."
"Go ahead," Kevin prodded AJ. "Ask him."
"Guys," Howie said, and it was supposed to sound like a warning, but it came off a little too 'aw, shucks' and Howie could feel himself blush a little.
"Leave Howie alone," Nick said, and pinched AJ.
"Ouch, weasel. Geez. You're like twelve."
"Nick's right," Kristin said and she was trying to be serious, but even Howie could hear the smile in her voice. Howie missed Leighanne. Leighanne wouldn't think this was funny. Leighanne would roll her eyes and swat at Brian until Brian conceded and let the whole thing drop. Leighanne hated when they picked on the little guy. And now Howie was even thinking of himself as the little guy, which was just kind of sad when he thought about it.
"You're not fooling anyone, Kris," Kevin said and Howie's face was red. He could feel it. Howie really missed Leighanne.
"Well, okay. I'm a little curious. A little," Kristin conceded. "I mean, they're not two people who you'd think - It's not an easy thing to picture. You and AJ, I can picture that happening. AJ will kiss just about anyone, so that's not hard. Howie and Nick," Kristin's shoulders bounced as though she was weighing the idea. "I can maybe see that, but Howie and Brian just comes up blank."
"You're picturing us kissing," AJ said. "I don't know if I'm disturbed by it or a little turned on."
"I'm not picturing it," Kristin clarified. "I mean, it's not something I've thought about on a day to day basis."
"This is so inappropriate," Nick grumbled, and AJ looked at him like he was insane.
"I think I just can't picture Brian kissing anyone," Kristin admitted.
"I think that should offend me," Brian countered, immediately, though he didn't sound very offended at all.
"I'm disturbed," Nick said.
"No shit," AJ snapped. "Brian, kiss Howie."
Howie wasn't expecting it. He jumped. "What?!"
"Kiss him," AJ said.
And then Brian was standing next to him, a hand on Howie's shoulder.
Howie put his hands up. "You know, I really - I like my space, and no offense, Bri, but right now I'd really like you to stand a little further away, if you don't mind. It's just, you know, it's this tour and living on a bus and there's not, there's not a lot of space on a bus, and we're just, you're too close."
Brian squeezed his shoulder, massaged a bit, but didn't move away. "Howie," he said. "Close your eyes."
"Oh God," Nick said, and shut his own eyes, covering them with his hands.
Howie looked at Nick and then back at Brian.
"I won't make you sit down this time," Brian said and then he kissed Howie.
Howie was surprised and Brian had no trouble at all this time easing Howie's mouth open, breathing in Howie's breath, tentatively touching Howie's tongue. It was weird. It was really fucking weird kissing Brian like this while everyone watched. While everyone except Nick watched, because Howie couldn’t see him anymore, but he knew Nick was still covering his face. That was weird too.
"Okay," Kevin said. "Okay. We get the point."
Howie blinked and backed away from Brian. The whole thing was so quick this time, and Howie was thankful for that, because the kiss was ten times more arousing than all the kisses that they'd shared a few nights earlier.
AJ's mouth was hanging open, his hand gripping Nick's in an attempt to keep Nick's hands from covering Nick's face. Nick's eyes were squeezed shut and he opened one, saw that it was all over and pulled his hands from AJ's grip.
"Okay then," AJ said, and nodded appreciatively.
"Well," Kristin cleared her throat. "I can picture it now."
**
"I wish you hadn't done that," Howie said, shortly after the bus pulled away from the venue. They had a day off tomorrow, and none of them could wait to get to the hotel. Nick was staring out the window, his knee twitching, restless.
"Oh, come on," AJ said. "I saw your face. You enjoyed it."
Howie shook his head. "It's fun for him. He thinks he's messing with Kevin. It doesn't mean anything and I just - I don't think he gets it."
"Gets what?" Nick asked from the couch, his knee still bouncing.
"Nevermind."
"Gets what?" Nick asked again.
"I don't think he gets that he's messing with me. He thinks it's some kind of game."
"Oh," Nick said. "So you like, want him?"
"No," Howie shook his head. "No, I mean. He's a good kisser. That's all."
"So you want him," AJ repeated, except this time it was a statement.
"I don't want him."
"Want me to tell him to quit playin' games with your heart?" AJ asked and Nick snorted and went back to staring out the window.
"I hate you," Howie grumbled.
"I hate that song," Nick said.
"Oh, you know you love that song," AJ countered, and then did a mock rendition of Howie and Nick's stair dance, except without the stairs.
"Okay, maybe I like it a little," Nick agreed and then kicked AJ as AJ passed.
Howie had to admit that he liked it a little too, despite the fact that they'd sung it God knew how many times in the last decade or so. He liked it enough that he was a little more than disappointed during their next concert when the time came for Nick to call Howie to the steps and Howie turned to see that Nick wasn't there. Nick was on the other side of the stage, one arm slung around AJ's shoulders, singing away. It was the same the next night, and the night after that, when not only did Nick snub him on stage, he snubbed him in the dressing room afterward too. Howie looked around and his eyes met Brian and Brian shrugged and shook his head, and it wasn’t until then that Howie realized that Nick was snubbing Brian too.
**
"What's going on with you?" Howie asked, catching up to Nick backstage and stopping him with a hand on his shoulder.
"Nothing."
"Who are you mad at? Me?"
"No! I'm not mad at you," Nick said and shook his shoulder free of Howie's grip. "You're standing too close."
Howie thought Nick was probably mocking him, but he took a step back anyway.
"Brian?" Howie asked.
"Of course not," Nick said, a little two quickly. He tried to recover. "Brian's the bee's knees."
"The bee's knees," Howie repeated.
"Yeah, Brian's great. Brian's always been great. Brian's perfect. The bee's knees."
Howie laughed. "Brian's far from perfect."
"He's a great kisser," Nick said. It sounded like an accusation.
"So what. A lot of people are great kissers."
Nick shrugged.
"You're mad at Brian," Howie said.
"I'm not mad at - Brian's my best friend."
"So you're mad at me," Howie concluded.
"I'm not mad at anyone! Dude. Leave me alone." And with that Nick walked away.
**
Later, as they passed cornfields and truck stops in the dark, Nick sat down next to Howie in the back of the bus.
"Sorry," he said.
Howie shrugged. "It's okay. You're allowed to be upset. I just, you know, I want to know why is all. I want to know how to fix it."
Nick shrugged. "I don't know what's wrong with me."
"Okay," Howie said.
"I'm not mad at you," Nick said. "I'm sorry."
Howie nodded. He watched Nick for a little while. Watched Nick flip stations on the television, shift a little, trying to get comfortable. He turned and smiled at Howie before moving his eyes back to the television.
"Okay," Howie said again.
**
"So, um, I think Nick's jealous," Howie said when he finally managed to get Brian in a room alone.
"Jealous?" Brian asked.
"I think he's like - I think he might be mad at me for kissing you."
"You didn't kiss me," Brian said, reasonably. "And why would that make Nick jealous? You think Nick maybe wants to kiss you too?"
"What? Of course not. I think he wants to kiss you. But I'm not sure he even knows that's what he wants. He like, he idolizes you. You're his best friend. The bee's knees."
Brian snorted. "The bee's knees. Come on, Howie. Everyone knows that Nick hasn't idolized me in years."
"Come on, Brian. You should know by now that we all kind of idolize you just a little."
Brian looked down. "Well, you probably shouldn't."
Howie raised an eyebrow.
"I'm just saying, I'm maybe not - I'm not the bee's knees, okay?"
"Brian -"
"I'm not."
"You're the definition of -"
"I liked kissing you," Brian said. "I liked it, Howie."
"What?"
Brian just shook his head and turned away. Howie grabbed his shoulder.
"Who cares? It's kissing. Everyone likes kissing."
"I'm not supposed to - Howie, I thought that if I kissed you, and if I kissed you in front of people then it wouldn't feel like anything and it would mean - I don't know what I thought it would mean. It wouldn't mean anything, I guess, but it's not really - Kev was right. I liked it and I want to. I don't know what I want to do. I can't do anything, so I guess it doesn't really matter, does it?"
Brian wasn't perfect. Hadn't Howie said those words to Nick not two days ago? Brian liked to mess with people. Not cruelly mess with people, just - the kind of mess with people that was supposed to be all in good fun, the kind that resulted in toothpaste on your toilet seat and Brian and Nick snickering on the other side of the doorway. Brian liked to mess with people and Brian liked kissing Howie more than Brian thought he should.
"Brian, I'm sorry."
Brian laughed. "What for?"
"I don't know," Howie admitted.
Brian shook his head. "Don't apologize, man. I should be the one apologizing."
Howie shrugged.
They were quiet for a moment. Brian took a step forward and then seemed to think better of it and stepped back a little. "I'm going to go," Brian said. "I wouldn't - I wouldn't worry about Nick. He's Nick, you know? He'll be okay."
"Yeah," Howie agreed.
"Okay," Brian said. "I'm really going now."
Howie went to step out of the way and Brian moved in the same direction. Howie stepped the other way and Brian bumped into him. And then Brian's hands were on Howie's shoulders again and Brian's mouth was pressed against Howie's again and Howie felt the wall against his back.
"Brian," Howie said, but it was muffled against the press of Brian's lips. Brian sucked Howie's bottom lip into his mouth and pressed his hips into Howie's and Howie was absolutely positive that whatever protest he'd been about to make would now come out as no more than a moan.
This shouldn't be happening. Howie thought that maybe that was part of what made it so good. It wasn't the kiss, it was that it was Brian doing the kissing and kissing Brian, it just shouldn't happen. Brian shouldn't be able to do this to him, shouldn't be able to make Howie want to lick Brian's teeth and taste every inch of Brian's skin and Brian definitely shouldn't be allowed to press Howie against a wall and move like Brian knew exactly how to make Howie feel like he was about to completely fall apart.
And then he felt Brian's hands move down his body. He felt Brian's hands run along the top of his jeans and a warning went off in Howie's head. A warning that Howie really wanted to ignore. He tried. He kissed Brian harder, slid his fingers around Brian's wrist, thinking he'd keep Brian's hands there, keep Brian from pulling away, but it didn't feel right. It wasn't right and Howie tightened his grip on Brian's hands and removed them from his waist.
Brian backed away.
"That was a bad idea," Brian said, and Howie was glad that Brian was breathless too.
"Yeah, probably."
"Sorry," Brian said tugged at his own t-shirt. "Sorry."
"I'm going to go," Howie said, and he practically tripped out of the room, bumping into Brian's bodyguard and then turning and coming face to face with the last person he expected to see right then.
"Leigh," Howie said. His face was burning. He tried to control his breathing. He tried not to choke. "Hi."
Leighanne had Baylee propped on one hip and Baylee clapped his hands to his cheeks and laughed at Howie and Howie had his suspicions that Baylee was laughing because Howie was bright red and flustered and panting just a little. Leighanne set Baylee down and pulled Howie in for a hug.
"Baylee missed y'all," Leighanne said. "We both did. He was asking every day when he'd get to go back on that bus."
"Oh. Well, welcome back," Howie said and when Leighanne kissed his cheek he kissed her back. Baylee's hair was long, a mass of blonde curls and Howie mused it a little.
"Have you seen Brian?" Leigh asked, looking from Howie to Brian's bodyguard and back.
"Yeah," Howie said and pointed toward the dressing room. "He's - I was -"
**
Howie was scum. He'd pointed toward the dressing room, mumbled something about seeing them later and then practically ran down the hall and away from the whole lot of them. He avoided Brian during the show, avoided all three of them after the show, and didn't feel safe until he was safely on Nick and AJ's bus with Nick refusing to look at him on one side and AJ not leaving him alone on the other.
"I feel like scum."
"That can't feel good," AJ noted.
"Why? What happened?" Nick asked. He didn't look up from the magazine he was reading.
"I ran into Leigh backstage. She hugged me and kissed my cheek and I had just made out with her husband."
Nick did look up then and made a face. "You'd call that making out? I mean, it was kind of all an act, wasn't it? Not that I saw it or anything, but like, we were all there."
"You guys did it again," AJ said and then laughed, grabbed Nick's magazine from Nick's hand, rolled it up, and hit Howie's leg. Hard. "That's - Good for you, man."
"Ow."
"You made out with Brian?" Nick asked, not even bothering to try to retrieve the magazine from AJ. "Really?"
"It kind of just happened," Howie said, and it sounded lame even as he was saying it.
"So what now?" Nick asked.
"I don't know," Howie said. "Right now, I think I'm just scum."
**
Brian was letting Baylee play with the microphone. Baylee shrieked into it causing some painful reverberation and Leighanne clapped from the sidelines. Howie frowned and picked at his fingernails from the other side of the stage. He felt someone's foot in the small of his back and looked up to find Nick looking down at him. Nick was frowning too.
"Hey," Howie said and patted the stage next to him. He was kind of surprised though, when Nick took the invitation.
"I never thought," Nick said. "Kevin, he and Kristin have cheated on each other and broken up and gotten back together and seen other people and all of that and you kinda just look at them and know they can survive all that stuff and they almost kind of seem better because it all happened, but Brian. I mean, do you think he'll tell her?"
Howie shrugged. "I don't know."
"I don't think - I think if Leighanne leaves Brian then that's it. She's not like - I don't think we'll ever see her again. I mean, we'll have to because of Baylee, but like, we'll never see them together again, you know?"
Howie nodded.
"I feel like - " Nick stopped and kissed Howie's forehead before continuing. It was weird, but kind of comforting in that it was the sort of Nick weird that happened all the time. Howie pushed Nick away.
"You feel like what?"
"Don't get all offended, I just didn't think Brian was the kind of guy who would ever have this problem, you know?"
"I'm scum," Howie said.
"Whatever," Nick shook his head. "It's not like you jumped him or something, right? It's not your fault. You didn't jump him, right?"
"What?" Howie said and eyed Nick. "No, I didn't jump him."
"So like, when you guys were making out before you ran into Leigh yesterday, that was like - you were alone?"
Howie nodded.
"And Brian just kissed you?"
Howie shrugged. He was glad when Nick came over because he thought it meant that Nick was over whatever it was that Nick was upset about, but now he was starting to wish that Nick would stop.
"Was it better?" Nick asked.
"What?"
"Better than when he kissed you because someone told him to."
Howie shrugged again. He'd always kind of thought that Nick had a thing for Brian, even before Brian was married. He thought that it probably sucked to think that you never had a chance with a person only to find out that they were making out with your bandmate. He thought that probably sucked a lot, but maybe not as much as if you were married to a person only to find out that they were making out with their bandmate. He thought that might suck a lot more.
"Was it?" Nick asked again.
"They're right over there. I don't want to talk about it," Howie said. "Yeah. It was better."
**
When Howie turned a corner at the hotel and saw Brian, Leighanne, Kevin, Baylee, and two bodyguards standing there, his first instinct was to run the other way, back to his room where he could bolt the door and not talk to anyone ever. He was about to do just that when Leighanne saw him. "Howie," she said and waved him over.
Howie shut his eyes, tried to collect himself, and then approached the group.
"We're leaving for dinner in a few minutes," Leighanne said. "You're coming?"
"Um," Howie said. "I - I don't know."
"You're coming," Kevin said.
"Uh, Okay," Howie agreed. Baylee was tugging at his sleeve.
"Howie, can I talk to you for a second before we go?" Brian asked.
Howie shrugged and let Brian pull him into a hotel room, which Howie guessed must be Brian's room. There weren't any toys or anything though, so he couldn't say for sure.
"Are you okay?" Brian asked, and he looked really concerned.
Howie shrugged.
"I'm sorry about what happened yesterday. I knew - I should have told you they were on their way."
"That's okay," Howie said and folded his arms across his chest. He watched Brian fidget and thought about how not perfect Brian really was. He knew his wife would be there any minute and he kissed Howie anyway. Howie didn't know what to think anymore.
"I told her."
Howie blinked. "You did?"
"Yeah," Brian said and then he squinted at Howie. "You didn't think I would?"
"I didn't know what you were going to do," Howie said.
"I always planned to tell her," Brian said.
"What did you - what did she say?"
"She called me an idiot when I told her about the argument with Kevin and my solution for the whole thing, and I really did deserve that, didn't I? Cause as far as solutions to an argument go? This one didn't really work, huh? I think idiot might be a little too nice, really. And I told her about the dressing room, just before she showed up, and well, she was upset a little."
Howie nodded.
"With me, and kind of unfairly with Kev, but not with you. I told her that you never. This was all me this entire time."
Howie made a face. "I could have stopped it."
"You did stop it. But I didn't want you to," Brian pointed out. "So even if you'd stopped it sooner, I'm still guilty."
"I don't know," Howie said.
"Anyway, she was upset. She was upset that I'd never done this in college like a normal person. I didn't even go to college! I was going to go to Bible school. And I really really really don't believe that all normal people have made out with someone of the same sex sometime during their youth and 'gotten it out of their system' or, you know, not, whatever the case. I mean, maybe young people now do, but when we were young? Really?"
Howie shrugged. "I'm gay. And a Backstreet Boy. I don't know what normal people did."
"Yeah," Brian sighed. "I don't know what normal people did either."
"So you guys are, um, you're okay?"
"Yeah," Brian said, and he kind of sounded surprised about the whole thing. "Do you know what she said?"
"Um, okay. What?"
"She said that she's leaving next week to visit these friends of ours in Michigan. She'll be gone a week. When she comes back she wants it out of my system."
"What? What does that mean?"
"I don't know," Brian said and then looked around the room. "You know, I booked two rooms. Just in case she didn't want me staying in the same one."
**
Kevin was still in the hallway.
"I hate you," Howie said, brushing by him and down the hall.
"Why?" Kevin said, and he couldn't just let the statement go. Instead he started following Howie down the hall which was exactly what Howie should have known Kevin would do and exactly why Howie should have kept his mouth shut.
Howie made it back to his room and almost managed to shut the door, but Kevin was too quick and managed to get his foot in just as Howie went to slam it.
"Ow," Kevin said, and pushed the door open. "Shit. What did I do."
"What did you do? You started this whole thing! If it wasn't for you I wouldn't be in this mess. Nick wouldn't be mad at me, Brian wouldn't be - I don't even know what Brian's doing. None of this would be happening."
"This is my fault?"
"Well, kind of, yeah!"
"You know that is such bullshit," Kevin said.
"Oh, so you're saying Brian would have just decided to kiss me all on his own? Really, Kev?"
Kevin threw up his hands. "I don't know. Maybe! He didn't have to kiss you the first time, so yes, maybe there was some part of him that wanted to and he used the situation as an excuse. I don't know, Howie. I can't read Brian's mind."
"Shut up," Howie said. "You're an asshole, you know that?"
Kevin sighed. "Are you coming to dinner or what?"
"No, Kevin, I'm not coming to dinner."
**
"You're kidding," Nick said, the next evening on the bus.
Howie shook his head.
"So like, what does that mean? Brian has free reign to kiss you all he wants now? You guys can make out in front of everyone anytime you feel like it? Congratulations. You must be thrilled."
"I don't think that's what it means, Nicky."
"Come on. Don't call me that. That is what it means. It means that for a week, as soon as Leighanne leaves, Brian has permission to kiss you as much as he wants to."
"Nick," Howie protested. "He doesn't want to kiss me that much."
"Of course he does," Nick said. "He does. Leighanne thinks so. If she didn't think so she wouldn't be 'visiting friends', would she?" Nick made the air quotes just as the bus hit a pothole. He gripped onto the bathroom door to steady himself.
"I think she actually was planning to visit friends," Howie said. He'd been playing cards with AJ, but AJ's phone rang and he'd disappeared into the back of the bus, so now Howie was pretty much just sitting at a table in front of a half played game of Spit.
"Yeah, right," Nick snorted and then laughed a little as though he was mad at himself.
"You know, none of this matters," Howie said and started to clean up the card game. "I'm not doing anything with Brian. I won't do anything with Brian." The bus hit another pothole and Nick gripped the door a little harder. "Will you sit down?"
"Yeah, right," Nick said again only this time he wasn't laughing. "This highway sucks. Where the hell are we anyway?"
**
Leighanne and Baylee left for Michigan.
"Here we go," Nick said when Brian left to go with them to the airport.
"What?" AJ asked.
Howie shook his head. "Nothing. Nick, it's nothing."
And it wasn't anything. Howie spent the day with Nick. They went out to lunch and then went to a movie with Kevin and Kristin, and then at soundcheck he made sure to goof around with Nick, and he dragged Nick up the steps during Quit Playin' Games and afterward they conned AJ into a game of monopoly on the bus and Howie didn't even call Nick out on his cheating. It wasn't until Howie was lying in his bunk that he realized he hadn't spoken to Brian or about Brian all day or that he'd done it on purpose.
**
Brian called Howie from his hotel room the next evening.
"Can you come down here?" Brian asked.
"Why?"
"Howie, because."
"I don't want to be your experiment. I'm sorry."
"I just - let's talk, okay?"
**
"I'm not here to do anything but talk," Howie said before he'd even closed the door completely.
"I know," Brian said. "Okay."
"Nick's really really messed up about this, you know - why couldn't you have - you should have kissed Nick."
Brian sighed. "Nick does not want me to kiss him, Howie. He doesn't"
"Yeah, well, I think you're blind."
Brian smiled. "Okay. You know that I love you, right?"
Howie shrugged. "Sure."
"I didn't want to hurt you," Brian said. "I didn't mean to. I shouldn't have kissed you. Any of the times, really, but especially that last time."
Howie shrugged again. "I'm not hurt."
"I'm not going to kiss you again. I just wanted you to know that. We left it up in the air the other day, and so I just wanted to be clear. You don't need to avoid me or not talk to me or any of the other things that I know you've felt lately that you should do."
"I wasn't avoiding you."
Brian smiled. "Yes, you were."
Howie rolled his eyes. "Okay, maybe a little."
"And if you want, I'll talk to Nick, okay?"
Howie nodded. "Thanks. The bee's knees."
"I'm not the bee's knees."
"I know."
"Come here," Brian said, and grabbed Howie's arm, pulled him into a hug. Howie'd never been a good hugger. It went with the personal space thing. It wasn't that he didn't like people, he just didn't feel that comfortable being so damn close to everyone all the time. It didn't seem to stop people from hugging him though. Howie wasn't a good hugger, he didn't hug that much, really, but somehow, as a Backstreet Boy, he ended up getting hugged a lot, and he knew first hand that the rest of the fellas? All excellent huggers.
"Will you just relax?" Brian said against Howie's neck. "It's a hug."
Howie tried to relax, but Brian smelled good and well, Brian's body was completely pressed against his, and Howie's body remembered the last time a little too vividly, and Brian was a really good kisser. Really good.
"Oh," Brian said, suddenly very aware of Howie's body's vivid memory.
"Sorry," Howie said, and tried to pull out of the hug. Brian didn't let him go.
"It's okay," Brian said. "Howie, I -"
And then Howie kissed him. He didn't mean to do it. He didn't plan to do it. He liked to think he had more self control than that. He didn't.
Brian didn't stop him. Everything that Brian had just said seemed to disappear, to have no meaning anymore because Brian was instantly kissing Howie back, forcefully kissing Howie back and in a matter of moments Brian's knees hit the edge of the bed and his legs buckled and he brought Howie down with him.
"I'm sorry," Howie said and tried to climb off of Brian, off the bed. "Sorry."
"Stop apologizing." Brian grabbed Howie's shoulders, pulled Howie down and then rolled so that Brian was the one on top and Howie had no chance of escape. It was exciting, having Brian take control, and Brian seemed to know it. He teased Howie, pressed his thigh against Howie's groin and then kissed Howie's forehead, his cheekbones, hovered directly over Howie's mouth and then decided to kiss down Howie's neck instead.
"I hate you," Howie said, but it was a lie. It was so completely a lie. It was pretty impossible to hate Brian when Brian was slowly, maddeningly, driving Howie insane without even so much as removing Howie's shirt.
It probably should have been humiliating, losing control like that, but the friction of fabric and Brian's mouth on his neck, Brian's hands holding his hips, it was too much, and Howie couldn't hold on. He cried out once and then Brian's mouth covered his, swallowed Howie's moans, continued to move just slightly, just enough to leave Howie twitching with pleasure.
"Brian," Howie said, between kisses, and he tried to reach down between then, tried to return the favor, but Brian's hand found his, Brian's fingers intertwined with his, and then Brian brought Howie's hand to his mouth. Brian's cheeks were flushed and he kissed the backs of Howie's fingers, bit Howie's knuckle lightly and smiled.
"Brian," Howie said again. He moved a little and then he knew. He wasn't sure why he didn't notice it before. He suddenly felt self-absorbed, neglectful, and embarrassed. Howie was getting off in his pants like he was still in high school and Brian wasn't even hard.
"Kiss me," Brian said. "Please."
**
pt. 2