Past couple of days
Cancers are apparently emotional creatures. I wonder if this is why this blog is full of emotional writings. Then again, I only come here when I’m emotional and need to talk about things to get it off my chest. A kind of therapy I suppose.
Actually this has been a long awaited journal. I’ve got all of these one-liners I thought about during the week, but I haven’t been writing them down. One of them is…
The strife of grown-ups gets carried down to innocent children.
When my parents divorced, there was an unfair financial settlement. My mom offered less than half of their total assets, and my dad agreed to this settlement for 3 reasons. One, he thinks that because my mom is a single mother without employment and taking care of my sister and I, she would need more money. Second, he assumed that she would stay single. Third, he thinks he would have another chance to beg, ask for forgiveness and get back together with her. Well, needless to say, things didn’t go according to plan. Mom remarried soon after. Now, part of the money now technically belongs to the man she remarried.
You could guess what my dad felt after knowing she got remarried. He felt my mom is a devil and owes him.
As long as he doesn’t get his money back, he won’t be satisfied. He always gets emotional over this. His temper gets out of control and I have to listen to all of this.
I gotta admit, I haven’t been a good listener at all at this issue. (I always turn away when he talks about it. On retrospect, it must make him feel worse). He frequently talks about it. I never hear the end of it and it affects me emotionally too. What can I do? On one side, it is my mom and my dad has done wrong things to her. On the other side, there’s my dad who is suffering the consequences of his unfair settlement.
Ever since I started University and my loans are building up, he keeps mentioning this to me and asks me to get back some of the money that my mom now owns. I’ve never liked the idea of asking for money, especially because of a grown-up conflict that doesn’t involve me. I feel like my dad is employing me as the middle man. I hate it. I avoid it at all costs.
Talking about it now makes me want to talk to my mom about it. Even if things don’t get settled, I want to hear her version of the story.
Back to my main point… Because of the “everlasting” conflict between my parents, children have to suffer. I am not supposed to live at my mom’s place. I am not supposed to interact with my mom’s new son. I hate it. I just want to have a nice time with my mom and stay with her. I want to have an alright relationship with her son. I don’t mind having absolutely no relations with my mom’s husband, but her son is innocent and he deserves as much respect and love as my mom. He was born after these conflicts. He has lived with my sister who had conflicts with my mom’s husband. He sees separation between his family and my sister. I wonder how he feels about it. It must be so confusing. So many questions unanswered. So many things that no one wants to talk about.
When I turn away from my dad’s story, my dad turns to my sister. She hangs up on him from time to time because she’s done with his story too.
Did you know I am a mama’s boy when I was little? I have a secret about the settlement.
What do you think I should do?
I hope we find peace soon.
----
My dad and his girlfriend celebrated my birthday early today. I wished for peace when I blew out the candle.
Peace doesn’t just come from you wishing for it. You have to take action to get it. How should I act to gain this peace? How should I settle my family conflicts? I need to talk to my sister and mom….
----
Few days ago, I was watching these new TV shows called OBssessed and Intervention. They’re so good. About people with OCD and drug addictions, respectively. Pretty interesting and informative about both conditions. Very emotional show too.
----
They say love finds you. I think it’s you who find love. According to one of the philosophers I read in my philosophy of love course, love is a bestowed phenomenon.
Why all of a sudden. I think I’ve bestowed value on someone.
----
6/29/2010
Wow, where to begin. Today has been a good day overall. My mom is smiling, so that’s terrific. We had our awkward moments. My mom is as airheaded as always. I think we walked for 20 minutes to find our way back to her car… I wonder if that’s where I got it from. She’s slow. She’s not very social. She’s takes it easy to the extreme. I wonder if that’s where I got it all from...
I understand from the bottom of my heart she loves me from the bottom of her heart. She takes care of me in more ways than one. She offers us freedom. She offers us support. It’s too bad some people like to take advantage of the love she bestows. My half brother, her son, is the prime example of that. I saw my old self in him too, taking advantage of her flexibility and lack of reinforcement.
I think my mom misses me a lot. She wants me to be there more frequently. She said she wants me to come more often and she would pay for the trip. She said she would find a way to see if she can help pay some of my tuition.
Because of her air-headedness, I’ve always felt that she can be easily manipulated and taken advantage of. It’s because I sympathize with her so much that I never like to ask for favors from anyone in case I end up taking advantage of them.
And it’s because of her air-headedness that I’ve always taken her side in conflicts - especially ones with my dad. Everything just seems like my dad’s fault. I’ve never witnessed her bitchiness either. How can she do anything of ill-intent? Then again, same can be said for everyone as no one can be inherently bad just as no one would choose to hate than to love.
I believe in no inherent badness of humans (e.g., no one would choose to hate over love). Our bad actions are due to circumstances in which we live. That is what I believe.
But in the end, we’re both cancers, dealing with emotions more often than anything of particular importance.
----
I am right now laying in bed in my old room in my Vancouver house. It’s interesting because I thought this room would be my half brothers. I still remember its smell. I remember a lot.
----
Going through Richmond again - nothings changed except the convenience of the sky train.
----
Seeing my mom smile after my greeting with her husband - after all of the shit we’ve been through in so many years… priceless.
----
My little half brother is annoying me. He likes to make his own rules. I wonder if he plays with himself a lot. I was right. Not socialized at all. Doesn’t know team work. Reminds me of myself.
----
Second day of Vancouver Vacation
It’s another good day.
We went to New Westminster in the afternoon for some lunch then we went bowling. I won all the games of course. Lil half bro was being a loud mouthed kid because he can’t win lol.
My mom volunteered at this community event held at Mclean Park. There was a playground where me and my half bro played in with his friend, Maggie. I played some more basketball. Later, my bro and I shared some fries, drank some soda and waited until the movie started. We got a nice spot with our own foldable garden chairs and sat in front of the huge screen in the park. The set up was kind of amazing! I’m not sure what we watched but it was a 3D cartoon movie with raining food. It was an alright movie. A lot of children humor. Watched from 9-11pm in temperatures in the mid 10s C - chilly.
God I kinda love this place. The community is wonderful here. Unlike Toronto, this municipal government actually invests money into the people.
Biggest goodness of the day: I got some nice sunglasses for free from BChydro lolol. They’re pretty nice.
The weather is a bit cool. My mom complains about the car getting steamy under the sun… it’s less than 20C outside! My mom’s driving is scary.
I think my half bro is someone who gets picked on at school. He doesn’t seem to have much friends, and children he knows he calls names at. They say that people who pick on others do it to raise their self worth. I wonder if he thinks he’s not good at stuff. I know for a fact that he likes to talk shit when I miss a basketball.
My half bro likes taking advantage of my mom. She asks him to do something, he says no, she bribes him. They both get what they want, but at the price of an unhealthy choice of the young boy and lack of respect/obedience/discipline.
I saw my half bro hit my mom with a spoon because he couldn’t get pop with his lunch. I told him not to hit women because it is cowardly to hit someone who can’t hit back.
I set a good example for him when I carried the garden chairs for my mom and boasted that I am a gentleman. Hopefully, he’ll learn to do so too in the future.
I need to finish that calendar =A=
Actually this has been a long awaited journal. I’ve got all of these one-liners I thought about during the week, but I haven’t been writing them down. One of them is…
The strife of grown-ups gets carried down to innocent children.
When my parents divorced, there was an unfair financial settlement. My mom offered less than half of their total assets, and my dad agreed to this settlement for 3 reasons. One, he thinks that because my mom is a single mother without employment and taking care of my sister and I, she would need more money. Second, he assumed that she would stay single. Third, he thinks he would have another chance to beg, ask for forgiveness and get back together with her. Well, needless to say, things didn’t go according to plan. Mom remarried soon after. Now, part of the money now technically belongs to the man she remarried.
You could guess what my dad felt after knowing she got remarried. He felt my mom is a devil and owes him.
As long as he doesn’t get his money back, he won’t be satisfied. He always gets emotional over this. His temper gets out of control and I have to listen to all of this.
I gotta admit, I haven’t been a good listener at all at this issue. (I always turn away when he talks about it. On retrospect, it must make him feel worse). He frequently talks about it. I never hear the end of it and it affects me emotionally too. What can I do? On one side, it is my mom and my dad has done wrong things to her. On the other side, there’s my dad who is suffering the consequences of his unfair settlement.
Ever since I started University and my loans are building up, he keeps mentioning this to me and asks me to get back some of the money that my mom now owns. I’ve never liked the idea of asking for money, especially because of a grown-up conflict that doesn’t involve me. I feel like my dad is employing me as the middle man. I hate it. I avoid it at all costs.
Talking about it now makes me want to talk to my mom about it. Even if things don’t get settled, I want to hear her version of the story.
Back to my main point… Because of the “everlasting” conflict between my parents, children have to suffer. I am not supposed to live at my mom’s place. I am not supposed to interact with my mom’s new son. I hate it. I just want to have a nice time with my mom and stay with her. I want to have an alright relationship with her son. I don’t mind having absolutely no relations with my mom’s husband, but her son is innocent and he deserves as much respect and love as my mom. He was born after these conflicts. He has lived with my sister who had conflicts with my mom’s husband. He sees separation between his family and my sister. I wonder how he feels about it. It must be so confusing. So many questions unanswered. So many things that no one wants to talk about.
When I turn away from my dad’s story, my dad turns to my sister. She hangs up on him from time to time because she’s done with his story too.
Did you know I am a mama’s boy when I was little? I have a secret about the settlement.
What do you think I should do?
I hope we find peace soon.
----
My dad and his girlfriend celebrated my birthday early today. I wished for peace when I blew out the candle.
Peace doesn’t just come from you wishing for it. You have to take action to get it. How should I act to gain this peace? How should I settle my family conflicts? I need to talk to my sister and mom….
----
Few days ago, I was watching these new TV shows called OBssessed and Intervention. They’re so good. About people with OCD and drug addictions, respectively. Pretty interesting and informative about both conditions. Very emotional show too.
----
They say love finds you. I think it’s you who find love. According to one of the philosophers I read in my philosophy of love course, love is a bestowed phenomenon.
Why all of a sudden. I think I’ve bestowed value on someone.
----
6/29/2010
Wow, where to begin. Today has been a good day overall. My mom is smiling, so that’s terrific. We had our awkward moments. My mom is as airheaded as always. I think we walked for 20 minutes to find our way back to her car… I wonder if that’s where I got it from. She’s slow. She’s not very social. She’s takes it easy to the extreme. I wonder if that’s where I got it all from...
I understand from the bottom of my heart she loves me from the bottom of her heart. She takes care of me in more ways than one. She offers us freedom. She offers us support. It’s too bad some people like to take advantage of the love she bestows. My half brother, her son, is the prime example of that. I saw my old self in him too, taking advantage of her flexibility and lack of reinforcement.
I think my mom misses me a lot. She wants me to be there more frequently. She said she wants me to come more often and she would pay for the trip. She said she would find a way to see if she can help pay some of my tuition.
Because of her air-headedness, I’ve always felt that she can be easily manipulated and taken advantage of. It’s because I sympathize with her so much that I never like to ask for favors from anyone in case I end up taking advantage of them.
And it’s because of her air-headedness that I’ve always taken her side in conflicts - especially ones with my dad. Everything just seems like my dad’s fault. I’ve never witnessed her bitchiness either. How can she do anything of ill-intent? Then again, same can be said for everyone as no one can be inherently bad just as no one would choose to hate than to love.
I believe in no inherent badness of humans (e.g., no one would choose to hate over love). Our bad actions are due to circumstances in which we live. That is what I believe.
But in the end, we’re both cancers, dealing with emotions more often than anything of particular importance.
----
I am right now laying in bed in my old room in my Vancouver house. It’s interesting because I thought this room would be my half brothers. I still remember its smell. I remember a lot.
----
Going through Richmond again - nothings changed except the convenience of the sky train.
----
Seeing my mom smile after my greeting with her husband - after all of the shit we’ve been through in so many years… priceless.
----
My little half brother is annoying me. He likes to make his own rules. I wonder if he plays with himself a lot. I was right. Not socialized at all. Doesn’t know team work. Reminds me of myself.
----
Second day of Vancouver Vacation
It’s another good day.
We went to New Westminster in the afternoon for some lunch then we went bowling. I won all the games of course. Lil half bro was being a loud mouthed kid because he can’t win lol.
My mom volunteered at this community event held at Mclean Park. There was a playground where me and my half bro played in with his friend, Maggie. I played some more basketball. Later, my bro and I shared some fries, drank some soda and waited until the movie started. We got a nice spot with our own foldable garden chairs and sat in front of the huge screen in the park. The set up was kind of amazing! I’m not sure what we watched but it was a 3D cartoon movie with raining food. It was an alright movie. A lot of children humor. Watched from 9-11pm in temperatures in the mid 10s C - chilly.
God I kinda love this place. The community is wonderful here. Unlike Toronto, this municipal government actually invests money into the people.
Biggest goodness of the day: I got some nice sunglasses for free from BChydro lolol. They’re pretty nice.
The weather is a bit cool. My mom complains about the car getting steamy under the sun… it’s less than 20C outside! My mom’s driving is scary.
I think my half bro is someone who gets picked on at school. He doesn’t seem to have much friends, and children he knows he calls names at. They say that people who pick on others do it to raise their self worth. I wonder if he thinks he’s not good at stuff. I know for a fact that he likes to talk shit when I miss a basketball.
My half bro likes taking advantage of my mom. She asks him to do something, he says no, she bribes him. They both get what they want, but at the price of an unhealthy choice of the young boy and lack of respect/obedience/discipline.
I saw my half bro hit my mom with a spoon because he couldn’t get pop with his lunch. I told him not to hit women because it is cowardly to hit someone who can’t hit back.
I set a good example for him when I carried the garden chairs for my mom and boasted that I am a gentleman. Hopefully, he’ll learn to do so too in the future.
I need to finish that calendar =A=