(no subject)
fuck.
Not really eating again.
It's not totally my fault.
It just ah... I'm having trouble bearing my life.
I'm trying so hard it seems and then I feel those little irrational moments of it's not good enough coming back at me.
That money I had earned and managed to save. almost all gone. I'm not surprised. Just anxious and a little sad.
Saw my great aunt yesterday and all she could say was "Make sure you let us know when you graduate." Grandma just keep repeating that she needed pictures from us, cause graduation pictures are important.
Does no one know? Do they not get it? I don't want to remember this stretch in my life. The one where I fall apart and hurt and want to die and where I make friends but can't bear to be around anyone at all without having an anxiety attack and wanting to run.
I hate feeling like this. I hate hiding all the things wrong with me because we can't afford it. I don't like feeling empty and useless and hiding who and what I am.
I can'r say I won't be accepted. I'm just afraid that if I am, one slip and it's all over and for naught. My own father dropped out of my life and my mother says she'd have killed herself if I wasn't here. Who's really gonna stay in my life after that?
I don't know why I even write this. The few who will see it are only witnesses to my departure from coherency. I don't think this can be fixed and even if it could, I don't know if what will follow is worse or not.
Not really eating again.
It's not totally my fault.
It just ah... I'm having trouble bearing my life.
I'm trying so hard it seems and then I feel those little irrational moments of it's not good enough coming back at me.
That money I had earned and managed to save. almost all gone. I'm not surprised. Just anxious and a little sad.
Saw my great aunt yesterday and all she could say was "Make sure you let us know when you graduate." Grandma just keep repeating that she needed pictures from us, cause graduation pictures are important.
Does no one know? Do they not get it? I don't want to remember this stretch in my life. The one where I fall apart and hurt and want to die and where I make friends but can't bear to be around anyone at all without having an anxiety attack and wanting to run.
I hate feeling like this. I hate hiding all the things wrong with me because we can't afford it. I don't like feeling empty and useless and hiding who and what I am.
I can'r say I won't be accepted. I'm just afraid that if I am, one slip and it's all over and for naught. My own father dropped out of my life and my mother says she'd have killed herself if I wasn't here. Who's really gonna stay in my life after that?
I don't know why I even write this. The few who will see it are only witnesses to my departure from coherency. I don't think this can be fixed and even if it could, I don't know if what will follow is worse or not.