(no subject)
It's as I'm walking on the treadmill that I try to remind myself how amazing the word is. Closing my eyes and holding onto the rails and listening to the sound of a radio from Iceland piping its way to my ears through a palm-sized sliver of metal and glass stuffed in my back pocket. It's 4 AM in Reykjavík and what I'm listening to isn't good, in fact it's kind of trash, but it's different from our trash, and that makes it exciting. And I have friends over there.
I try to remind myself that the world is amazing. I close my eyes because I have been staring at screens for eleven hours today, maybe longer. I have options. I can run off this feeling even though it's cold and dark outside. I can close my eyes and run off this feeling and listen to bad music. I have my eyes closed now.
It's hard to remind myself that the world is amazing when it's hard to drag myself out of bed every morning, when it's hard to stand up from the sheer weight of living. All I want is to close my eyes and never have to get up again, to close my eyes and sleep forever and ever and ever. I didn't sign up for this life and maybe in a world more magic than this one I would demand to return it, demand a refund. Excuse me, I didn't order this, please terminate my subscription, thank you.
But some things are nonrefundable and some subscriptions are for a lifetime no matter if you want them or not. At that point you might as well just keep it.
This entry was originally posted at http://yuuago.dreamwidth.org/3540255.html. You can comment here or at the original entry.