Braindump
I've felt really unhappy today (and... recently, in general). And I can figure out a reason for it, or reasons, but the various causes aren't really anything I can fix.
It would be easy enough if it was a case of - oh, I'm not getting enough exercise, or oh, I'm not getting enough sunlight, blah blah blah whatever. But that isn't it.
Part of it is cyclical depression - because it always is, and there's no way around that. But the rest is just....
For the last few months, I've been feeling very closeted. And that makes me feel kind of suffocated. And I guess I'm just going through a period where I can't help but pay attention to... everything related to that. Usually I do a pretty good job of ignoring it, but it's been on my mind a lot.
My feelings about all of this are tl;dr and complicated. I just feel so... isolated. I always have here. There isn't much in the way of... resource, community, anything. When I was growing up, my high school didn't even have a Gay-Straight Alliance - not because the idea had been shot down, but because nobody had dared to bring up the idea yet. And things haven't really changed all that much, even after so many years.
Apparently there's a Meetup.com group. That's about it. And I'm incredibly reluctant to get involved with that because it isn't safe, I can't have people knowing, if any of this got out at the job I just - I can't. I work with an office full of gossips. And everyone in town knows my family. People would talk. It isn't safe and I can't.
Then again, even if I did go, it would probably be very... well. I remember university, how things were when I went to Pride meetings and events. It's just - if you need me to do activist stuff, I'm there. I'll stuff your envelopes, join your letter-writing campaigns, put up your posters, sit the office hours just in case somebody comes by for information (nobody ever did). But when it came to the social stuff, I just... never really felt like I fit, and not for the usual reasons of not having any shared interests. I just... No, I will not go to the gay bar with you. No, I don't get the appeal of "camp", I don't even really understand what it is. No, I've never heard of that lesbian band you like. There is such a thing as too much glitter and you, my dude, are practically dripping with it.
Point is, I expect it'd be like that again. Except with even less activism. Because it isn't safe.
I remember when it was in the local news. That someone stole a Pride flag and burned it. That was just a few years ago. Three years ago, I think. And my supervisor - my fucking supervisor - was going on about how she didn't understand what the big deal is.
So no, I'll keep this under wraps. I have to. The specific issues I have to deal with need to be kept locked down tight. Nobody can know about that.
In a way, it isn't all that different from mental illness, I guess. Because I can't go around talking about that either. Though it's a difference of scale, I guess. In my experience, people will just think I'm whiny and oversensitive and stupid if they find out I'm depressed. It does have an effect on employment, but not on the same level re: personal safety. At all.
Maybe I'm just kind of lonely.
I tried to make friends last year. It didn't work out. I'm going to try again this year. Maybe I'll have better luck. But I'm going to try not to be too optimistic. The chances of finding someone I can actually be friends with, let alone discuss anything resembling this stuff with, are... small. Very.
And, hah, you know, it really gets to me when people are all "Oh yeah, Canada is totally a gay-friendly country". True in theory, lol, but... ahahha. Well GUESS WHAT, not all of us live in fucking Vancouver.
I guess I'm just really sick of feeling like I don't really fit... anywhere.
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