Pounded in the butt by my own chemical imbalance
So there I was, minding my own business, when I got smacked in the face with melancholia.
At this point, I'm depressed, sure, but I'm also angry that I have to deal with this bullshit all the time.
Fuck mental illness. Fuck it right in the ear.
I mean, at least now I can distance myself in such a way that I can look at it and say, "Yep, my brain sure is being stupid right now. Wow, look at that chemical imbalance. It sure isn't functioning the way it's supposed to, eh?"
But it doesn't make me feel any better. It just makes me like, aware of what's going on, and that does help a bit, sort of, but it doesn't make it better.
And then on the other hand, I wonder if part of this isn't the depression. If part of it is just, you know, just normal sadness. Because it makes sense to be sad that you don't have any in-person friends, right? Doesn't it? But the depression just makes it worse. Or maybe it's normal, but I have no gauge of what's normal and what isn't, because I've been depressed my whole fucking life, as far as I can tell.
My experience with pills was bad. Not the doctors, the doctors were fine, but the pills themselves were not effective, and we tried a few different ones. I'm not really interested in a repeat. The effect left me incapable of functioning, and I lost time. Like - I'd go to the washroom with the intention of having a bath or something, and I would just... I would look up and I would realize that I'd been sitting on the edge of the tub for five hours, staring into space, and it'd be like 1 AM. And this happened for more than one type of pills. And in the mornings, half the time I couldn't even make myself get out of bed. But on my own, even when I'm down, I can usually make myself get out of bed. At least. Even if I don't want to. So it looks like I need to take care of this on my own. I wish there were an easy fix, but it isn't.
I'm just so, so fucking sick of this. I wish I could be normal.
...On the upside, at least I have a sense of humour about it. At least in some ways. There is that. But still, ARRRGH, WHY.
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