Sigh.
Called mum today. I'd been ignoring her calls all weekend. I told her that I'd been out for most of the weekend, doing homework at the library. But really I just didn't want to talk to her. I was having Some Of Those Days and I just couldn't. I worry myself when I get like that.
I have a presentation tomorrow and I'm worried. I kind of know the material, but my notes aren't finished yet. I need to do that tonight. It'll get done, I just... It's hard. I don't understand. This shouldn't be so hard for me. I think part of it is the environment. I never could work in my own space, I always had to go into some other space. That's why I miss the common room in the university residence. Working there put me in the right frame of mind. And it was nice 'cause all the things I needed were nearby - if I wanted tea I could go back to my room to get some, but everything I needed for work was right there in my little corner of the common room.
I think what I need to do is keep my eye on the end. Okay. I need to graduate school so I can visit Minako. To graduate school I need to finish all my coursework. To finish my coursework one of the things I need to do is do this project. If I finish this project then I can go to bed. Okay.
I think that maybe I should see a therapist. It's always a horrible ordeal for me but I need to go on at length about how I feel because I'm definitely not right right now. And maybe they could help me set up a game plan. Whether I would stick to it is another question but who knows. It's just, I need to go on about it, and I can't do that with my friends, I always hold back because I know what it's like to be on the receiving end of that, and I know that nobody wants to hear about how depressed I'm feeling. They might want to be supportive, yes, but nobody actually wants to hear it. It is how it is. And gods know I certainly don't want to keep dumnping this shit on Minako. She puts up with far too much from me as it is.
Besides, it doesn't hurt to go to a professional for that kind of thing. I did go to one last year, and even though I only went two or three times, it probably was good for me. And even though I panicked like hell at first, making an appointment again won't be so hard now, since I've done it before. I dunno.
I won't be going on medication again, though. Not during the school year.
Through all this my wrist still hurts and it isn't getting any better. Gods know I'm depressed enough without all that. I don't know what I'm going to do when I go to the physiotherapist on Thursday and she asks me if there's been any improvement. Well, obviously I'll tell her "no", but I wish I could say something positive. I wish I could write again.
Well. Back to work. Work. Right. I'll get this done so I can sleep. And then I'll give the presentation to fulfil that requirement for school. And then I'll do more stuff for school. And then I'll graduate. And then I'll be able to visit Minako. Right! Think positive!
... argh.