fanfic update
Title: Fade (Chapter 13/15)
Author: Yurffles
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: AllenxLenalee, LavixLenalee
Disclaimer: Not my characters, but the fic idea is mine. =)
Summary: After the Millennium Earl has been defeated, the Exorcists must choose new paths for their lives. This fic is set three years after the start of the series, predicts the success of the Exorcists, and is in line with plot points revealed up to chapter 173 in the manga.
Notes: All chapters can be found [in my memories]
I’m really trying to keep up my resolve to finish up this fic. I think the developments in this chapter are… surprising? XD;;
Chapter 13: Return
After returning to Headquarters, Lenalee found herself lying in her bed listlessly. Although her body was tired, her mind was active. Lavi’s actions that afternoon were so completely unexpected that she found herself reeling in the aftermath.
How long had he truly harbored feelings for her? Had she subconsciously known about it, as he had accused her of earlier that day? Shaking her head, she attempted to clear her mind of the thoughts that were plaguing her, but to no avail. Inevitably, her thoughts returned to earlier that day, when Lavi had looked at her with such intensity that it had held her completely captive. She shivered at the memory. The fact that she had this reaction to Lavi bothered her. She had never perceived herself to be emotionally fickle. However, here it was only two weeks after she and Allen had broken up, and her mind was already filled with thoughts of someone else.
The knocking on her chamber door interrupted her self analysis. Caught off guard, she froze at the sound. More pounding followed after a brief pause.
“Lenalee,” Lavi said from the other side of the door. “If you’re there, please talk to me. I want to apologize for what happened.”
She crept quietly towards the door, curious as to what such an apology would entail. Standing in front of the door, she stood and waited.
"Lenalee, open the door, please," Lavi said, knocking harder, as if he knew that she was standing across from him, and that the only thing separating them was door.
Pursing her lips, she kept her silence, choosing not to answer and choosing to wait for his promised apology.
"I can see your feet through the crack between the bottom of the door and the floor," Lavi commented dryly.
Mentally, Lenalee scolded herself for getting caught.
"Please hear me out," Lavi pleaded.
Since she had already been discovered, she didn't think that she had much of a choice but to let him in. Slowly, her hand reached for the knob, and just as slowly, she let the door swing open in front of her. "What is it?" she asked quietly. "What is it that you have to say?"
He looked contrite, a bit of wistfulness shining in his visible green eye. "I'm sorry that… I messed things up between us. It's my fault, and I wish I could undo things."
Lenalee's mind processed Lavi's statement carefully, focusing on the actual wording he had chosen to use. "You're sorry… that things are messed up," she started slowly. "But… you aren't sorry that you did it, are you?"
Lavi pressed his lips together and said nothing.
"You never said that you regretted kissing me," Lenalee prodded, being more forceful.
“Should I?" he asked, looking away. "Because I really don't. I was just hoping that you'd be able to accept me."
His honesty prompted her own. "Oh, Lavi," she breathed. "I'm just not ready. I feel like I'm not ready."
"Can I ask you a question? And will you be honest with me?"
His expression looked guarded, and it pained her that he felt that it was necessary to ask for her honestly. "Sure, Lavi," she said, knowing that she owed him at least that much.
"Did you feel anything… in town today?"
Lenalee opened her mouth to speak, and then hesitated. "I'm not sure," she said with a helpless shrug. Even as she said the words, the thought of the sudden kiss caused her cheeks to grow warm. "You just really caught me off guard."
"If I did this…" He reached out and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, his fingers lingering on the junction where her jawline met her neck. "Do you feel anything other than friendship?" he whispered.
Lenalee's lips trembled as she attempted to speak. "I…" Her voice stuck in her throat as his fingers moved across her throat in a gentle caress. She felt as if she should push him away, as if she should scold him for doing something like that when other people could be watching. But the words wouldn't come; her body refused to move. What was it about a serious and emotionally sincere Lavi that robbed her of control over her own motions? She couldn’t figure it out, and so she stood rooted in place, feeling the blood rushing through her system and hearing the sound of her pounding heart ringing clearly in her ears. Although she was sure she wasn't ready for another relationship, she couldn't reject him with certainty. "I… can't say "no"," she told him, lowering her gaze. "But, Lavi, I…"
"You don't feel ready. I understand." He removed his hand from its resting place at the side of her neck.
Lenalee let out the breath she didn't know that she was holding with a loud woosh. Now that he was no longer touching her, she could feel her jumbled nerves calm down.
Lavi laughed at her reaction and gave her his most charming smile. "Can I ask you for a favor?"
Suspiciously, Lenalee turned her gaze towards him once more. "I'm not sure," she answered with a shaky breath.
"I'm not asking for much. I just want you to spend time with me, like you've been doing before."
"Just that?" she asked, surprised. She hadn't considered changing their friendship.
"Well, that… while keeping in mind my feelings for you. Let's call is pseudo-dating," he suggested.
"So, how is that really different from what we've been doing before?"
"Well, I guess, I'd like you to think of the time we spend together as dating. But we won't do anything really different." He winked at her. "So that means no kissing."
She flushed at the thought.
"Well, at least not until you're ready. I’ll be patient with you; I promise. I just want you to keep an open mind. Your time and an open mind… for one month is what I'm asking for. Just give me a chance to win your heart over. This way, you won't have to tell anybody anything until you're sure of your own feelings. I just want you to seriously consider moving on… with me."
"So, one month with the mindset of us dating?"
"That's all I'm asking for. Can you do that?"
He looked so serious and sincere that it tugged at something in her heart. "I think I can try," she managed with a watery smile.
~*~*~*~*~
Two weeks had passed since Lavi and Lenalee had begun pseudo-dating. Although some of their peers commented how they were spending more time together, she could truthfully say that they weren't dating. She was glad for that, since she hated lying to people and frankly was terrible at it.
Currently, the two of them were sitting on a couch in a common room enjoying a cup of coffee and looking through a book of General Tiedoll's drawings, which was set between them.
"His landscapes really are beautiful," Lenalee breathed, running a finger across the edge of a page.
"It's like you're really there," Lavi agreed. He turned the page and laid his hand on hers.
She smiled at the warmth and sense of security it provided. This was as physically intimate as he allowed himself to be with her. It wasn't as if he didn't want to touch her more. She could tell by the way his gaze lingered on her that’d he love nothing more, but he was respectful her boundaries. At times like this, she had to admit that she had grown accustomed to his company. Slowly, she felt as if he was truly getting through to her. His kindness and attentiveness was something she hadn't experience before (except through Komui, but the situation wasn't really the same).
Lavi made her feel warm, loved, and appreciated, and she enjoyed that he helped her feel good herself. She had a certain fondness for him, too, and wanted to do things to cause him to smile at her and to look at her with that special tenderness. He made it clear that just spending time with her made him happy, and she really wanted to make him happy. They were growing together and becoming closer that way.
Her affections for Lavi, although as real as her affections for Allen had been, were different. With Lavi, she felt warmth and comfort. When she had been dating Allen, she had felt electrified with nervous energy.
Was she growing to love Lavi? She thought that she was, but she couldn't be sure. How could she be certain about something like this, when she had only been in love once before, and it had felt so different? Still, she couldn't help but marveling at the emotion of love itself. How differently her feelings manifested themselves for Allen and for Lavi, only to result in what she thought was the same conclusion.
In deep reverie, she couldn't help but think back to the past two weeks and how Lavi had slowly but surely integrated himself as a steady fixture in her life. Lenalee’s eyes narrowed, as she realized that it hadn’t just been the past two weeks… He had always been kind to her. She had thought this many times before, and just now events flashed through mind: Lavi’s patience with her fragile mental state and her immobility after her battle with the Level 3 Akuma, Lavi’s companionship when she had been faced with Inspector Leverrier’s presence upon returning to Headquarters with General Cross, Lavi’s advice throughout her relationship with Allen, and then Lavi’s support after her and Allen’s breakup. How had she not fully appreciated the depth of his attentiveness before now? It seemed so clear in retrospect. With a rueful smile, Lenalee found her thoughts returning to the more recent past, specifically the last two weeks.
Their “pseudo” relationship had started innocently enough - meals with comfortable conversation or time spent in the library. Lavi was one of the few people that Lenalee had met that read more than she did. Although it shouldn’t have been a surprise to her, due to his inclination for history, she had still been shocked when he had talked in excited tones about some of her favorite novels and authors. At that moment, they had formed another bond, one that she had not been expecting. Smiling, she recalled how he was constantly asking her about her dreams, her hopes, and her aspirations. She had never focused so much on herself in her entire life, and something about it felt nice.
True to his word, during the last couple of weeks, he had been patient with her as she attempted to sort out her emotions. There was only once when he had tried to initiate physical contact, a simple placing of his hand against her arm. When she had pulled away from his touch, she had felt guilty. He had only been trying to comfort her… How it must have hurt his feelings to have her recoil from him, but he hadn’t even flinched when she had rebuffed his gesture of affection. He kept on smiling and talking, as if nothing had happened. Afterwards, he had used her cues as a hint to tell what type of contact she was comfortable with, such as only allowing himself to initiate hand-to-hand contact after the first time she had grasped at his hand with her own. If she was honest with herself, it wasn’t as if she didn’t want to feel Lavi’s touch or that she didn’t enjoy their small physical intimacies. It was more that she felt as if she would have more trouble denying that they were dating if she allowed him to kiss her and to hold her like Allen had once done.
And suddenly, two weeks of such pseudo-dating had passed, and now she couldn't imagine not spending some time with Lavi everyday… just talking and building that connection and rapport between them. It was nice, nice in a way she hadn't been counting on, and she couldn't help the smile that spread across her face. Warmth enveloped her as she watched Lavi talk in excited tones.
"I'd love to see this, sometime," he said, pointing at one of General Tiedoll's sketches.
Although he didn't say it aloud, Lenalee was sure that "with you" was clearly attached to that statement. She didn't know why she was sure, but she was convinced of it as if it were an unshakeable fact. He really cared about her. She had always known it but hadn't realized how deep his feelings ran until recently. And she had to admit that he was winning her over… Maybe he had already won her over. Since she had agreed to start pseudo-dating Lavi, she hadn't had the chance to feel lonely, a fact she was thinking that she should make him aware of.
"Hey, Lavi," she said, interrupting his chatter with her thoughts.
"Hmm?" he asked, tilting his head towards her.
"I just wanted to thank you for the last two weeks. The way you've treated me has really helped me heal, emotionally."
Lavi's smile widened at her kind words, and that happy look on his face caused her heart to skip a beat.
"I like treating you well, Lenalee," he said simply. "I'd love to do it for as long as you'd let me…" He let his sentence hang and looked at her expectantly.
"Oh, Lavi," she said after a moment of silence. Her heart thudded loudly in her chest. Was this the time? He was always so kind and sincere, and she felt so safe and comfortable with him. She felt as if she could be herself, and nothing was more important than that. Her mind fogged as she was pulled in by Lavi's intense gaze, a reflection of his pure-hearted feelings for her. She couldn't help but responding in like.
"Oh, Lavi," she whispered again, her voice low with emotion.
'Just tell him what he wants to hear,' her mind urged her. 'You know you want to. He can protect your heart. He wants to…'
As she opened her mouth to speak, something stopped her. The feeling of a familiar presence at the door kept the words from leaving her mouth.
"Hello, Lenalee… Lavi, I'm home."
That calm, polite, well-mannered voice - she would recognize it anywhere. "Al…len," she whispered, her wide-eyed gaze swinging towards the door.
"Lenalee," he said, again, addressing her with a slightly melancholy smile.
Her heart jumped to her throat. The way he said her name still had an affect on her. She closed her eyes and lowered her head, as a chill ran through her body.
"Allen," Lavi said cheerfully. "How are things going? It's rare to see you back here."
Lenalee knew Lavi well enough to know that the cheer was faked.
Allen threw a smile just as a false as Lavi's cheer in the red-headed boy's direction. "It's going alright."
Lenalee watched in a horrified silence as Allen's gaze darkened when he saw Lavi's hand on hers.
Lavi must have caught Allen's expression, too, because his grip on her hand tightened.
Suddenly, Lenalee felt incredibly awkward and uncomfortable with Lavi clinging to her hand while Allen's eyes were focused on her.
"May I speak with Lenalee alone?" Allen asked. Although his voice still having its usual pleasant timber, his gaze was cold and hard.
Lavi hesitated, a stubborn light sparking in his eye.
'He's going to say "no",' Lenalee thought, eyes widening at the realization. She needed to circumvent the possible conflict that Lavi’s response would cause.
"Lavi, please?" she asked, looking him in the eye.
Lavi squared his jaw as if preparing for a fight but eventually relented. "If that's what you want," he whispered. With that, he left the room stiffly, not even looking at Allen when passed the other boy.
After Lavi left, Lenalee saw Allen visibly relax. His squared shoulders lost their rigidity, and his upright posture slackened.
He took a seat next to her. "That's better." He gave her his normal, sweet smile.
Lenalee sat with her hands folded in her lap, choosing to say nothing.
"So, you and Lavi, huh?" he asked, getting straight to the point.
"That's not it," Lenalee defended. It was technically the truth, but what weighed more on Lenalee's mind was why she felt as if it mattered for her to get that point across to Allen.
"I'm not surprised," Allen said, continuing as if she hadn't spoken at all.
"You're not?" she asked, surprised that he wasn't shocked in the least.
"Nah," he replied, the smile dropping off of his face. "When we were dating, I noticed the way he looked at you. I knew that he had feelings for you."
"Oh." Now she felt stupid and unobservant.
"I missed you while I was gone," he told her, fixing his gaze on her.
"You did?" Lenalee asked, her heart sinking. Suddenly, she was overcome with the need to leave before he said anything else. Something primal was screaming at her to stop him from speaking, warning her that if she didn’t things would become irreversibly complicated.
"Yeah," he continued before she could stop him. "I really wish you had been there with me, even for a little while. I wanted to see you when I came back. I came to find you right away."
Lenalee was having a strange out-of-body experience. The ability to speak, move, and respond left her, and all she could do was stare at him blankly.
"Have you already moved on?" he asked softly.
Lenalee blinked at him. "I…" she faltered.
"Do you still have feelings left for me?"
"Why are you doing this?" she asked in response to his question, her chest tightening uncomfortably.
"I need to know if I've lost my chance with you. I know it may not be right or fair, but… I need to know."
'NO!' Every fiber in Lenalee's being was screaming this one word, and she really wished Allen had not brought up that he still had lingering feelings for her. This strong reaction allowed her to get a hold of her tongue once more and allowed her to find the words she needed to say. "You're right. It's not fair of you."
Allen's face fell at her harsh words.
"We made a clean break. We both agreed. And now you're trying to come back into my life … to tell me you still love me. You cannot do this to me. Not again." She whispered the last two words, knowing that she looked and sounded as confused as she felt.
“I'm admitting that I was wrong, Lenalee. I made a mistake by not trying harder to make things work out. And nothing would make me happier than you telling me that I still have a chance. But… if you've completely moved on, then I'll have no choice but to understand." He paused to look at her. When she made no response, he continued. "And you need to consider the fact that Lavi and I aren't that different. He's just as transient as I am. It's required of him as a Bookman, and if you're going to be with someone like that, I'd prefer it if you were with me."
Lenalee was dumbfounded. She had never thought about Lavi being nomadic in nature like Allen, but Allen was correct in his analysis. The war was over; the only reason Lavi remained at Headquarters was to ensure the return of his health. He had to be getting close to that point, which meant that he'd be moving on soon. Something about the thought of Lavi leaving Headquarters sent a sharp pang through her heart.
"I'll take my leave now," Allen said, excusing himself. "Just keep an open mind… If you have any shred of fondness for me left in your heart, please don't discount it." Leaning down, he kissed her lightly on the forehead before turning his back on her. "Please let me know when you’ve made your decision."
After Allen left the room, Lenalee felt her artificial calm shatter. Her whole body crumpled, and she buried her head in her hands. The contact of Allen’s lips against her skin sent a warm tingle down her spine. Even now, she could still feel the electricity left by his touch humming on the surface of her skin. He still had an affect on her. Part of her still wanted him…
"You cannot do this," she whispered, addressing an Allen that was no longer there. "You cannot come back and mess up… everything. I thought… I had gotten rid of any feelings I had left for you…"
Her mind protested how unfair Allen had been, and she scolded herself for not cutting him off earlier, as her sixth sense had warned her to do.
'You have nobody to blame but yourself,' her mind told her. 'If only you were emotionally stronger, this would have never happened.'
Even as she tried to thwart her negative thoughts, she knew they was accurate.
"Allen… Lavi…" she whispered. "What should I do?" No matter what her decision was; someone would get hurt. And the worst thing was that she didn't even know what she wanted. Her confusion caused misery to crescendo leaving her with nothing but her own muddled thoughts.
TBC
I really enjoyed writing parts of this chapter and really struggled with other parts…
As always thoughts, concrit, and encouragement are welcome.
Author: Yurffles
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: AllenxLenalee, LavixLenalee
Disclaimer: Not my characters, but the fic idea is mine. =)
Summary: After the Millennium Earl has been defeated, the Exorcists must choose new paths for their lives. This fic is set three years after the start of the series, predicts the success of the Exorcists, and is in line with plot points revealed up to chapter 173 in the manga.
Notes: All chapters can be found [in my memories]
I’m really trying to keep up my resolve to finish up this fic. I think the developments in this chapter are… surprising? XD;;
Chapter 13: Return
After returning to Headquarters, Lenalee found herself lying in her bed listlessly. Although her body was tired, her mind was active. Lavi’s actions that afternoon were so completely unexpected that she found herself reeling in the aftermath.
How long had he truly harbored feelings for her? Had she subconsciously known about it, as he had accused her of earlier that day? Shaking her head, she attempted to clear her mind of the thoughts that were plaguing her, but to no avail. Inevitably, her thoughts returned to earlier that day, when Lavi had looked at her with such intensity that it had held her completely captive. She shivered at the memory. The fact that she had this reaction to Lavi bothered her. She had never perceived herself to be emotionally fickle. However, here it was only two weeks after she and Allen had broken up, and her mind was already filled with thoughts of someone else.
The knocking on her chamber door interrupted her self analysis. Caught off guard, she froze at the sound. More pounding followed after a brief pause.
“Lenalee,” Lavi said from the other side of the door. “If you’re there, please talk to me. I want to apologize for what happened.”
She crept quietly towards the door, curious as to what such an apology would entail. Standing in front of the door, she stood and waited.
"Lenalee, open the door, please," Lavi said, knocking harder, as if he knew that she was standing across from him, and that the only thing separating them was door.
Pursing her lips, she kept her silence, choosing not to answer and choosing to wait for his promised apology.
"I can see your feet through the crack between the bottom of the door and the floor," Lavi commented dryly.
Mentally, Lenalee scolded herself for getting caught.
"Please hear me out," Lavi pleaded.
Since she had already been discovered, she didn't think that she had much of a choice but to let him in. Slowly, her hand reached for the knob, and just as slowly, she let the door swing open in front of her. "What is it?" she asked quietly. "What is it that you have to say?"
He looked contrite, a bit of wistfulness shining in his visible green eye. "I'm sorry that… I messed things up between us. It's my fault, and I wish I could undo things."
Lenalee's mind processed Lavi's statement carefully, focusing on the actual wording he had chosen to use. "You're sorry… that things are messed up," she started slowly. "But… you aren't sorry that you did it, are you?"
Lavi pressed his lips together and said nothing.
"You never said that you regretted kissing me," Lenalee prodded, being more forceful.
“Should I?" he asked, looking away. "Because I really don't. I was just hoping that you'd be able to accept me."
His honesty prompted her own. "Oh, Lavi," she breathed. "I'm just not ready. I feel like I'm not ready."
"Can I ask you a question? And will you be honest with me?"
His expression looked guarded, and it pained her that he felt that it was necessary to ask for her honestly. "Sure, Lavi," she said, knowing that she owed him at least that much.
"Did you feel anything… in town today?"
Lenalee opened her mouth to speak, and then hesitated. "I'm not sure," she said with a helpless shrug. Even as she said the words, the thought of the sudden kiss caused her cheeks to grow warm. "You just really caught me off guard."
"If I did this…" He reached out and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, his fingers lingering on the junction where her jawline met her neck. "Do you feel anything other than friendship?" he whispered.
Lenalee's lips trembled as she attempted to speak. "I…" Her voice stuck in her throat as his fingers moved across her throat in a gentle caress. She felt as if she should push him away, as if she should scold him for doing something like that when other people could be watching. But the words wouldn't come; her body refused to move. What was it about a serious and emotionally sincere Lavi that robbed her of control over her own motions? She couldn’t figure it out, and so she stood rooted in place, feeling the blood rushing through her system and hearing the sound of her pounding heart ringing clearly in her ears. Although she was sure she wasn't ready for another relationship, she couldn't reject him with certainty. "I… can't say "no"," she told him, lowering her gaze. "But, Lavi, I…"
"You don't feel ready. I understand." He removed his hand from its resting place at the side of her neck.
Lenalee let out the breath she didn't know that she was holding with a loud woosh. Now that he was no longer touching her, she could feel her jumbled nerves calm down.
Lavi laughed at her reaction and gave her his most charming smile. "Can I ask you for a favor?"
Suspiciously, Lenalee turned her gaze towards him once more. "I'm not sure," she answered with a shaky breath.
"I'm not asking for much. I just want you to spend time with me, like you've been doing before."
"Just that?" she asked, surprised. She hadn't considered changing their friendship.
"Well, that… while keeping in mind my feelings for you. Let's call is pseudo-dating," he suggested.
"So, how is that really different from what we've been doing before?"
"Well, I guess, I'd like you to think of the time we spend together as dating. But we won't do anything really different." He winked at her. "So that means no kissing."
She flushed at the thought.
"Well, at least not until you're ready. I’ll be patient with you; I promise. I just want you to keep an open mind. Your time and an open mind… for one month is what I'm asking for. Just give me a chance to win your heart over. This way, you won't have to tell anybody anything until you're sure of your own feelings. I just want you to seriously consider moving on… with me."
"So, one month with the mindset of us dating?"
"That's all I'm asking for. Can you do that?"
He looked so serious and sincere that it tugged at something in her heart. "I think I can try," she managed with a watery smile.
~*~*~*~*~
Two weeks had passed since Lavi and Lenalee had begun pseudo-dating. Although some of their peers commented how they were spending more time together, she could truthfully say that they weren't dating. She was glad for that, since she hated lying to people and frankly was terrible at it.
Currently, the two of them were sitting on a couch in a common room enjoying a cup of coffee and looking through a book of General Tiedoll's drawings, which was set between them.
"His landscapes really are beautiful," Lenalee breathed, running a finger across the edge of a page.
"It's like you're really there," Lavi agreed. He turned the page and laid his hand on hers.
She smiled at the warmth and sense of security it provided. This was as physically intimate as he allowed himself to be with her. It wasn't as if he didn't want to touch her more. She could tell by the way his gaze lingered on her that’d he love nothing more, but he was respectful her boundaries. At times like this, she had to admit that she had grown accustomed to his company. Slowly, she felt as if he was truly getting through to her. His kindness and attentiveness was something she hadn't experience before (except through Komui, but the situation wasn't really the same).
Lavi made her feel warm, loved, and appreciated, and she enjoyed that he helped her feel good herself. She had a certain fondness for him, too, and wanted to do things to cause him to smile at her and to look at her with that special tenderness. He made it clear that just spending time with her made him happy, and she really wanted to make him happy. They were growing together and becoming closer that way.
Her affections for Lavi, although as real as her affections for Allen had been, were different. With Lavi, she felt warmth and comfort. When she had been dating Allen, she had felt electrified with nervous energy.
Was she growing to love Lavi? She thought that she was, but she couldn't be sure. How could she be certain about something like this, when she had only been in love once before, and it had felt so different? Still, she couldn't help but marveling at the emotion of love itself. How differently her feelings manifested themselves for Allen and for Lavi, only to result in what she thought was the same conclusion.
In deep reverie, she couldn't help but think back to the past two weeks and how Lavi had slowly but surely integrated himself as a steady fixture in her life. Lenalee’s eyes narrowed, as she realized that it hadn’t just been the past two weeks… He had always been kind to her. She had thought this many times before, and just now events flashed through mind: Lavi’s patience with her fragile mental state and her immobility after her battle with the Level 3 Akuma, Lavi’s companionship when she had been faced with Inspector Leverrier’s presence upon returning to Headquarters with General Cross, Lavi’s advice throughout her relationship with Allen, and then Lavi’s support after her and Allen’s breakup. How had she not fully appreciated the depth of his attentiveness before now? It seemed so clear in retrospect. With a rueful smile, Lenalee found her thoughts returning to the more recent past, specifically the last two weeks.
Their “pseudo” relationship had started innocently enough - meals with comfortable conversation or time spent in the library. Lavi was one of the few people that Lenalee had met that read more than she did. Although it shouldn’t have been a surprise to her, due to his inclination for history, she had still been shocked when he had talked in excited tones about some of her favorite novels and authors. At that moment, they had formed another bond, one that she had not been expecting. Smiling, she recalled how he was constantly asking her about her dreams, her hopes, and her aspirations. She had never focused so much on herself in her entire life, and something about it felt nice.
True to his word, during the last couple of weeks, he had been patient with her as she attempted to sort out her emotions. There was only once when he had tried to initiate physical contact, a simple placing of his hand against her arm. When she had pulled away from his touch, she had felt guilty. He had only been trying to comfort her… How it must have hurt his feelings to have her recoil from him, but he hadn’t even flinched when she had rebuffed his gesture of affection. He kept on smiling and talking, as if nothing had happened. Afterwards, he had used her cues as a hint to tell what type of contact she was comfortable with, such as only allowing himself to initiate hand-to-hand contact after the first time she had grasped at his hand with her own. If she was honest with herself, it wasn’t as if she didn’t want to feel Lavi’s touch or that she didn’t enjoy their small physical intimacies. It was more that she felt as if she would have more trouble denying that they were dating if she allowed him to kiss her and to hold her like Allen had once done.
And suddenly, two weeks of such pseudo-dating had passed, and now she couldn't imagine not spending some time with Lavi everyday… just talking and building that connection and rapport between them. It was nice, nice in a way she hadn't been counting on, and she couldn't help the smile that spread across her face. Warmth enveloped her as she watched Lavi talk in excited tones.
"I'd love to see this, sometime," he said, pointing at one of General Tiedoll's sketches.
Although he didn't say it aloud, Lenalee was sure that "with you" was clearly attached to that statement. She didn't know why she was sure, but she was convinced of it as if it were an unshakeable fact. He really cared about her. She had always known it but hadn't realized how deep his feelings ran until recently. And she had to admit that he was winning her over… Maybe he had already won her over. Since she had agreed to start pseudo-dating Lavi, she hadn't had the chance to feel lonely, a fact she was thinking that she should make him aware of.
"Hey, Lavi," she said, interrupting his chatter with her thoughts.
"Hmm?" he asked, tilting his head towards her.
"I just wanted to thank you for the last two weeks. The way you've treated me has really helped me heal, emotionally."
Lavi's smile widened at her kind words, and that happy look on his face caused her heart to skip a beat.
"I like treating you well, Lenalee," he said simply. "I'd love to do it for as long as you'd let me…" He let his sentence hang and looked at her expectantly.
"Oh, Lavi," she said after a moment of silence. Her heart thudded loudly in her chest. Was this the time? He was always so kind and sincere, and she felt so safe and comfortable with him. She felt as if she could be herself, and nothing was more important than that. Her mind fogged as she was pulled in by Lavi's intense gaze, a reflection of his pure-hearted feelings for her. She couldn't help but responding in like.
"Oh, Lavi," she whispered again, her voice low with emotion.
'Just tell him what he wants to hear,' her mind urged her. 'You know you want to. He can protect your heart. He wants to…'
As she opened her mouth to speak, something stopped her. The feeling of a familiar presence at the door kept the words from leaving her mouth.
"Hello, Lenalee… Lavi, I'm home."
That calm, polite, well-mannered voice - she would recognize it anywhere. "Al…len," she whispered, her wide-eyed gaze swinging towards the door.
"Lenalee," he said, again, addressing her with a slightly melancholy smile.
Her heart jumped to her throat. The way he said her name still had an affect on her. She closed her eyes and lowered her head, as a chill ran through her body.
"Allen," Lavi said cheerfully. "How are things going? It's rare to see you back here."
Lenalee knew Lavi well enough to know that the cheer was faked.
Allen threw a smile just as a false as Lavi's cheer in the red-headed boy's direction. "It's going alright."
Lenalee watched in a horrified silence as Allen's gaze darkened when he saw Lavi's hand on hers.
Lavi must have caught Allen's expression, too, because his grip on her hand tightened.
Suddenly, Lenalee felt incredibly awkward and uncomfortable with Lavi clinging to her hand while Allen's eyes were focused on her.
"May I speak with Lenalee alone?" Allen asked. Although his voice still having its usual pleasant timber, his gaze was cold and hard.
Lavi hesitated, a stubborn light sparking in his eye.
'He's going to say "no",' Lenalee thought, eyes widening at the realization. She needed to circumvent the possible conflict that Lavi’s response would cause.
"Lavi, please?" she asked, looking him in the eye.
Lavi squared his jaw as if preparing for a fight but eventually relented. "If that's what you want," he whispered. With that, he left the room stiffly, not even looking at Allen when passed the other boy.
After Lavi left, Lenalee saw Allen visibly relax. His squared shoulders lost their rigidity, and his upright posture slackened.
He took a seat next to her. "That's better." He gave her his normal, sweet smile.
Lenalee sat with her hands folded in her lap, choosing to say nothing.
"So, you and Lavi, huh?" he asked, getting straight to the point.
"That's not it," Lenalee defended. It was technically the truth, but what weighed more on Lenalee's mind was why she felt as if it mattered for her to get that point across to Allen.
"I'm not surprised," Allen said, continuing as if she hadn't spoken at all.
"You're not?" she asked, surprised that he wasn't shocked in the least.
"Nah," he replied, the smile dropping off of his face. "When we were dating, I noticed the way he looked at you. I knew that he had feelings for you."
"Oh." Now she felt stupid and unobservant.
"I missed you while I was gone," he told her, fixing his gaze on her.
"You did?" Lenalee asked, her heart sinking. Suddenly, she was overcome with the need to leave before he said anything else. Something primal was screaming at her to stop him from speaking, warning her that if she didn’t things would become irreversibly complicated.
"Yeah," he continued before she could stop him. "I really wish you had been there with me, even for a little while. I wanted to see you when I came back. I came to find you right away."
Lenalee was having a strange out-of-body experience. The ability to speak, move, and respond left her, and all she could do was stare at him blankly.
"Have you already moved on?" he asked softly.
Lenalee blinked at him. "I…" she faltered.
"Do you still have feelings left for me?"
"Why are you doing this?" she asked in response to his question, her chest tightening uncomfortably.
"I need to know if I've lost my chance with you. I know it may not be right or fair, but… I need to know."
'NO!' Every fiber in Lenalee's being was screaming this one word, and she really wished Allen had not brought up that he still had lingering feelings for her. This strong reaction allowed her to get a hold of her tongue once more and allowed her to find the words she needed to say. "You're right. It's not fair of you."
Allen's face fell at her harsh words.
"We made a clean break. We both agreed. And now you're trying to come back into my life … to tell me you still love me. You cannot do this to me. Not again." She whispered the last two words, knowing that she looked and sounded as confused as she felt.
“I'm admitting that I was wrong, Lenalee. I made a mistake by not trying harder to make things work out. And nothing would make me happier than you telling me that I still have a chance. But… if you've completely moved on, then I'll have no choice but to understand." He paused to look at her. When she made no response, he continued. "And you need to consider the fact that Lavi and I aren't that different. He's just as transient as I am. It's required of him as a Bookman, and if you're going to be with someone like that, I'd prefer it if you were with me."
Lenalee was dumbfounded. She had never thought about Lavi being nomadic in nature like Allen, but Allen was correct in his analysis. The war was over; the only reason Lavi remained at Headquarters was to ensure the return of his health. He had to be getting close to that point, which meant that he'd be moving on soon. Something about the thought of Lavi leaving Headquarters sent a sharp pang through her heart.
"I'll take my leave now," Allen said, excusing himself. "Just keep an open mind… If you have any shred of fondness for me left in your heart, please don't discount it." Leaning down, he kissed her lightly on the forehead before turning his back on her. "Please let me know when you’ve made your decision."
After Allen left the room, Lenalee felt her artificial calm shatter. Her whole body crumpled, and she buried her head in her hands. The contact of Allen’s lips against her skin sent a warm tingle down her spine. Even now, she could still feel the electricity left by his touch humming on the surface of her skin. He still had an affect on her. Part of her still wanted him…
"You cannot do this," she whispered, addressing an Allen that was no longer there. "You cannot come back and mess up… everything. I thought… I had gotten rid of any feelings I had left for you…"
Her mind protested how unfair Allen had been, and she scolded herself for not cutting him off earlier, as her sixth sense had warned her to do.
'You have nobody to blame but yourself,' her mind told her. 'If only you were emotionally stronger, this would have never happened.'
Even as she tried to thwart her negative thoughts, she knew they was accurate.
"Allen… Lavi…" she whispered. "What should I do?" No matter what her decision was; someone would get hurt. And the worst thing was that she didn't even know what she wanted. Her confusion caused misery to crescendo leaving her with nothing but her own muddled thoughts.
TBC
I really enjoyed writing parts of this chapter and really struggled with other parts…
As always thoughts, concrit, and encouragement are welcome.