Comatose
This is turning into the longest week. Sort of. It’s already Wednesday though. Paradoxical feelings. Every once in a while, I feel like my heart stops. My chest hurts. I didn’t eat breakfast, but that’s probably because my will to wake up in the morning has nearly vanished. So dramatic. Listlessness. I catch myself staring off into space. Yesterday others caught me doing this, too. Where do I go from here? Am I making this situation more dramatic than it really is? Am I strangely addicted to cycles of bliss just to experience the extremity of the pain later? Is this my emotional cutting so that I know I’m alive? It’s not in my head. He’s done this before, several times actually. The reasons, again, aren’t really important. But he’s done it.
I wish I could go back to the time it happened where I felt nothing. Indifference. Acceptance.
Not confusion. Anger. Helplessness. Loneliness. Intense, disturbing curiosity. Emptiness.
I fear it will be a long way until I feel normal again. I should have put my defenses up completely a long, long time ago. I must stop myself when I find I am thinking anything remotely positive about him. How can he be a nice person anyway? More and more, it seems like he is some kind of sociopath using his charm to get what he wants of people. “Making up” with me so that others don’t find him disagreeable? So that there is no perceived drama? How many lies did I believe? How many lies did I deflect?
“You won me over in a way. I love talking to you.” Fell for it.
“I just thought it would be nice to kiss a pretty girl.” Oh, please.
“I miss you.” What a line.
“I would (come to watch S&TC).” Huh?
"Let's be friends. Let's be friends."
"It will be nice to be able to be honest with someone here."
"I want to be friends for good."
"I was upset. Yes, you have that kind of effect on me."
Bad. Doubt rising. Maybe I’m making a mistake? Stick to your resolve! Is this stubbornness…? I can’t have peace.
I wish I could go back to the time it happened where I felt nothing. Indifference. Acceptance.
Not confusion. Anger. Helplessness. Loneliness. Intense, disturbing curiosity. Emptiness.
I fear it will be a long way until I feel normal again. I should have put my defenses up completely a long, long time ago. I must stop myself when I find I am thinking anything remotely positive about him. How can he be a nice person anyway? More and more, it seems like he is some kind of sociopath using his charm to get what he wants of people. “Making up” with me so that others don’t find him disagreeable? So that there is no perceived drama? How many lies did I believe? How many lies did I deflect?
“You won me over in a way. I love talking to you.” Fell for it.
“I just thought it would be nice to kiss a pretty girl.” Oh, please.
“I miss you.” What a line.
“I would (come to watch S&TC).” Huh?
"Let's be friends. Let's be friends."
"It will be nice to be able to be honest with someone here."
"I want to be friends for good."
"I was upset. Yes, you have that kind of effect on me."
Bad. Doubt rising. Maybe I’m making a mistake? Stick to your resolve! Is this stubbornness…? I can’t have peace.